An Ode To Our Relationship With Axe Body Spray

Take a walk down memory lane with me, as we reminisce about a special, completely inexplicable time of our lives – the body spray era. It was revolutionary and, at the time, life-changing.

THE GOLDEN AGE

The {insert cologne (but let’s be honest, it was Michael Jordan cologne)} grandma got you for Christmas just wasn't producing the results that you expected. Girls weren't any more interested and you didn't get better at basketball. It became abundantly clear that Michael fucking lied to us. Because there was no socially acceptable way to ask your parents to buy you cologne so you can increase your odds at at actually making out with a girl, there needed to be an alternative. Enter Axe Body Spray. It was cheap, efficient and the commercials were overtly sexual. You had us at cheap and boobs, Axe.

So, as 13 year olds, we collectively convinced ourselves that Axe smelled awesome, showers were optional and that girls would be all over us. Think about it, there is no cockier person alive than a middle-schooler that just sprayed half a can of Axe on their chest/stomach/balls right before homeroom. I’m convinced that kid would walk by me on the street right now, call me a pussy, and spit on my shoe for no reason. We were all beautiful birds that haven’t yet flown too close to the sun.

THE FALL

We all quickly became Axe lemmings. And by “lemmings," I mean that we were all smelly teenage assholes that basically lost all concept of reality. People straight up stopped showering after gym class, no one was getting ass as a result of Axe, and we started body spray shaming kids that used Bod Man Fragrance Spray. Shit was getting weird.

It was also starting to become evident that all the scents basically smelled the same. If you were able to truly decipher Phoenix from Essence from Touch to Kilo, you were lying and you were a horrible individual. The jig was officially up. The girls that we thought were laughing with us were actually laughing at us, our parents were legitimately starting to hate us and we probably lost a few years off our lives because we inhaled full containers of $4.99 aerosol deodorant. It was time to grow up.

THE AFTERMATH

Axe still exists and, by all accounts, is still thriving. As long as there are middle school boys looking to make their balls smell magnificent, there will always be a market for Axe. Like most businesses, though, Axe has had its fair share of ups and downs since we parted ways.

1. People almost died:

In defense of Axe, these kids need to step their respiratory system game up.

2. There are negative connotations surrounding Axe spray:

Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He'll live, but he won't get laid.
— Kianna Wozney (@Kianna_Wozney) September 17, 2014

I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray on my dog & now I can't get him out of the gym & he goes by G-Reg.
— Johnny Crash (@AzahelZamora) September 12, 2014

My grandma bought me Axe body spray for my birthday. Now I'm legally required to get a tribal tattoo.
— WhitePeoplesProblems (@WhiteFolkProbs) September 11, 2014

I'm sure we all have a half used bottle on our dresser at our parents’ house that we don’t have the heart to throw away. While the handjob forecast was wildly exaggerated, the memories were too fond to let go and toss in the trash.

Dear Axe Body Spray,

Haters gon’ hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

Sincerely,

Dub