A Working Man's Diary

Facebook Friday #7

2012-01-27T16:10:00.005-05:00

Frankly, FB Friday is in a vegetative state. Ready to die, but stubbornly surviving. That’s how I like my blogs. Here we go:

1. Guy Touches 1000 Boobs…But Somehow Doesn’t Get Arrested?

Yes, I know the video is 20 minutes, but what do you expect? Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen 500 girls this month, so this is definitely a feat in a pervy, sexual-assault-ish sort of way. I’m downright shocked no police officers were on the scene during any of this. Waiting for the sequel: “Guy Grabs 1000 Asses.” That should be high comedy. Thanks CD.

2. Reviewing a Book I Never Read/Will Read: “Why Men Love Bitches”

Don’t need to drop $11.99 when I already know the answer to this painfully easy question. Bitches make you work hard. Simple as that. Imagine turning on Super Mario, stomping on Bowser’s head once and the screen flashing “You Win” and the credits roll. You’d be pissed right? That’s like a girl coming onto you (unless she’s hot) and just throwing her underwear in your face. It’s not that fun (READ: UNLESS SHE’S HOT) when there is no element of challenge out there. A bitch will make you buy her, her 7 friends, her ex-boyfriend, and some other random dude next to you shots before she lets you rattle off 2 sentences to her. Granted they suck, but there’s a reason they’re a dominant force out there. Thanks ER

3. Dub Jeezy’s Guilty Pleasure 90’s Song

Don’t think I didn’t just do the dance right now at my work desk, because I will not hesitate to do it again. Literally told NO ONE that I liked this song. Shit like that would get you beat up and stuffed in a locker in ’99. But once I got some privacy, you best believe I was jamming to this fake MTV boy-band. I definitely confused the show and real-life a few times when I patiently waited for them to drop an album. Never happened. RIP Michael “QT” Cucchione. Thanks CG

BONUS Hilarious Picture:

4.Memphis Grizzlies Jerseys Last Night

Great googly moogly these are ugly. Made me think of a joke intramural basketball team that had literally zero talent and tried to compensate for that by dressing in an outrageous uniform. Except this was a professional basketball team in the NBA, that’s actually pretty good. I don’t know if it was “Dress Like Dog Shit” night out in the Staples Center last night, but someone or somewhoever should be fired and blackballed from all NBA-jersey related business. Thanks EJT

5. Iamastuffedanimal.com
This. Site. Is. Awesome. I’m going to make 30 Dub Jeezy stuffed characters right now regardless of cost just so I can continue feeding into my crippling God complex. Real talk, will it make me look like a serial killer if I have 30 dolls of my likeness lined around my bed? What if I give them different outfits? Yikes. Thanks Spellgirl.

6. My Thoughts On Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego
Hated her. Crafty bitch. Also didn’t get why her last name was Sandiego and why people weren’t looking in San Diego, California more often. I never watched the cartoon because it just wasn’t very good. But that game show was the JAM. 11 year old kids in wayy over their heads trying to identify maps and place suctioned poles on countries. It was high comedy and the hardest shit I’ve ever seen. Definitely hated the host too. I was the Playa Hater of the Year when it came to that show. Thanks ER.

1500th post bitches!

In The 1950s, Kids Were Literally Getting Lost Inside Computers

2012-01-27T10:36:00.002-05:00

I can relate to this kid so much. Just an inquisitive soul that wanted to know how things worked. While all the other kids were playing sports and being active, young Dub J found himself lost in the woods, clothing racks, supermarket aisles, Madison Square Garden, Central Park, and just as recently as 4 years ago, the Boston College Football stadium. Life would be completely different for me if people were rewarded for being idiots and constantly getting lost.

I 100% should have been abducted at least 50 times. It's not that my parents were negligent, it's just that I was a dick. I was in love with the wriggle-free, sprint in the opposite direction, dart left manuever. Worked every time. I was just too slippery and stupid to be caught. At MSG, my Dad sent my cousin and I to get popcorn in the first quarter of a Knicks game and I didn't reappear until after half time. Darted left on them like crazy. So many tears.

I fucking fell into the pond at Central Park when I was 8 and when my dad fished me out, I was so embarrassed I ran off and got lost. While that gross ass pond did give me super radioactive blogging powers, it probably wasn't worth getting lost in the most dangerous park in America.

So I get it kid. Sometimes we don't keep our head on a swivel and end up trapped in a Macy's clothing rack for 15 minutes. Word of retroactive advice: just cry for awhile and a security guard will put you on the loud speaker so you can ask for your Mommy. Fool proof.

Third Grade Thursdays

2012-01-26T22:40:00.002-05:00

Are your Thursdays just merely the fourth night of the week? Just the day leading up to Friday? Well, fret no more. We’re starting a new tradition up here in Hartford. Thursday nights have now become a launching point for bouts of nostalgia and uncalled for amounts of drinking. You guessed it: Third Grade Thursdays.

What does that mean, you may ask. To that I say, give me your Segas, your Super Nintendos, your huddled Playstations yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming youths. And bring along a case a beer and get ready for the long haul. Work tomorrow may be awful, sure, but I’ll tell you one thing’s for damn sure, I just finished up a two hour round of Twisted Metal 2 and I’m not the least bit mad about it. Responsibility is playing second fiddle because Spectre is running the streets of Paris.

I’m taking a little break from the madness as we speak to put this post up, but I also had to stop because to bear witness to the greatest display of original Super Mario the world has ever seen. My boy is ripping through world 7 with no end in sight. Underwater levels? Ain't no thing. Octupuses? They ain't got shit.

On that note, World 8 is about to start, and this is can't miss TV. After this we’re moving on to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. And next week we start the journey that is Metal Gear Solid.

All I can say is Thursdays are back...with a vengeance.

The Working Man's Diary Podcast #4

2012-01-25T22:32:00.003-05:00

Seany Sweeps went off tonight. We hit up some controversial topics and awkwardly transitioned into really light stuff. Like bosses.

Enjoy everyone.

I Love Jay Bilas' Mid-Life Crisis So Much

2012-01-25T20:30:00.000-05:00

Dude is at such a crossroads in his life it's fantastic. One minute he's discussing the Princeton offense with Digger Phelps, the next he's taking a twit-pic of himself in a "Trill" t-shirt. Can't keep up, but I definitely want to see where it ends up.

Watching you descend off the deep-end has been a pleasure and privilege.

State Of The Union Went Off Without A Hitch..Except For The Part When Obama Mentioned Nothing About The Mayan Calendar

2012-01-25T19:02:00.005-05:00

If you don't follow me on Twitter (@WMsDiary), I unintentionally live-tweeted 75% of the State of The Union Address last night. Because I'm a dick and not in touch with anything, I found the entire event hilarious. Here are some thoughts I had:

-Quietly wished Obama came out to "N****s In Paris." It would have 1 million % got him impeached, but his entrance swag was off the charts. Daps on daps on daps. Reminded me of late-90's WWF, except infinitely blacker.

-John Boerner. My man put on a fucking show. Looked like a Madame Tussauds wax statue out there. I had aspirations to tally the blink disparity between him and Biden, but there was no point. Five minutes into the speech, Biden was up 500 blinks to two.

-I'm unsure if Joe Biden had a solid meal before everything. Dude was looking gaunt as a motherfucker. At around 9:55, you can catch him in another world whimsically day-dreaming about sandwiches and coffee. Felt bad for him.

-Laurene Powell Jobs...I would.

-I felt weird for the black Republicans out there. They straight up had no idea when to stand and clap for one hour and 45 minutes.

-Eric Cantor stare.

-#1 issue above everything: NO fucking mention of the impending Mayan apocalypse. Am I the only one keeping tabs on this shit? Their impeccable calendar "expired" on December 23, 2012 and Obama is talking about schools and "preserving the economy." Pfft. I want knowledge on war and nothing else. I want laser discussions, gatling gun committee meetings, and I wouldn't mind additional funding for alien-proof body armor. Fuck it, get Cantor in there with a switch blade and his piercing stares and we'll probably be ok.

Michelle, don't think I didn't see you looking like a blue Ring-Pop out there. Holla at me. Kidding.

Girl Puts On Clinic Of How NOT To Blow Out A Candle

2012-01-24T23:02:00.003-05:00

Damn this shit is embarrassing. Just taking chunks out of the air in fruitless, almost painful efforts to put out a single candle.

In her defense, blowing out a candle is a pressure-packed moment. Usually there's a cake involved. Obviously everyone's anxious for cake, no one wants spit on the frosting, and as a dude, your entire manhood is on the line. If you fuck up you may come out of the process with no friends and a black-mark on your life resume. As an experienced candle destroyer, I can offer this girl one bit of crucial advice. Blow from an angle. The fire is never ready for it. Coming in head on is just asking to get juked. And fucking take legitimate breaths for crying out loud. Opening your mouth as wide as possible and then shrinking it down makes you look like an anime character and won't accomplish anything.

Shout out to pops here offering the worst encouragement, exploiting his daughter, and making this shit go viral. When I know my kid's a dud, all I'm going to do is video tape him/her all the time and try to turn their shortcomings into cash in my pocket. I'm going to be a fantastic father.

Greatest Parents Ever

2012-01-24T20:58:00.003-05:00

It goes without saying that I am not going to win Father of the Year at any point in my life. That said, I can also guarantee that I won't be rolling my baby around like a fucking suitcase through a crosswalk. Pretty sure I'd ball out on the extra $10 to get a seat belt in my stroller too.

We have to put some of the blame on this baby though. You can't dead fish your way through survival. I know your Mom is whipping you around like a miscreant, but you have to take action. Grab hold to something and don't plop on the ground like an asshole. Vegetable-ing on the pavement is the purest definition of giving up. Not even a roll to the sidewalk to evade the car. Despicable.

All in all, this shit was an overall catastrophe. Standard case of everyone on the court doing the wrong thing. For the first time since she left, I ask "What would Oprah say about this?"

She'd know what to do.

Game. Changer.

2012-01-24T19:21:00.003-05:00

To say this item could change my life would be one of the largest understatements ever typed. I was at work late last night laying on mouse pads and binders trying my best to make the most of a bad situation. Needless to say, this cushioned suction head pod could have made all the difference.

Here's the elephant in the room: every one of these holes look like an orifice. I'm not going to dive into details, but that's enough to deter a nap decision. And the fact that there's a 30% chance this thing can kill you because of the Chinese finger-trap vibe. Once you get past the surreal grossness of how it looks and the very real possibility of a comfortable ass death, this could be a fantastic gift for a loved one or me.

If you're the boss and pop into someone's cubicle and see them like this, you can't get mad right? If someone has the audacity to slip into a nap contraption on company hours, they're the type of wildcard spark plug that can make everyone millions or set that place on fire with molotav cocktails. I one day, hope to be that person.

Kids Are Creating Complex TI-84 Games Now

2012-01-23T19:00:00.003-05:00

I think we were all set with "Snake" and "Brick Breaker" on our TI-83 graphing calculators. Shit definitely started going awry when Super Mario Bros. was introduced into the fray. When you're completing quests, gaining XP points, and are emotionally engaged in the experience, the game most definitely shouldn't be played on your calculator.

This nerd up here essentially took what I just said, shat on it, and lit it on fire because this is the most intricate calculator game to ever be created. Dude was fighting clearly distinguishable giants and wolves out there. Dealing damage, collecting gold, and buying shields and shit. Maybe I'm some bitter old dude, but I was completely okay with running a square polygonal line around the screen collecting other squares to become a larger, harder to wield polygonal line. That's all it really took to get me through a boring math class. When I got frustrated, I broke some polygonal bricks to blow off steam. Zero thought, even less time commitment.

Real talk, I'm jealous as shit. I would have 100% failed most classes, played no sports, and wouldn't have hooked up with girls, but I would have a had a blast with this game. Rocking orcs in the grill with a mace-having no date to the prom-avenging the king's death-getting swirlies in the bathroom.

Hell, I'd do it.

Friends Ask Dub: "What Does "SMH" Mean?"

2012-01-23T17:49:00.002-05:00

Not gonna lie, I'm probably the worst in the game when it comes to deciphering stupid internet acronyms. I spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about what "LOL" could have possibly meant back in the early AIM era. As soon as I found out what that meant, I got hit with a tough string of unidentifiable "TTYL", "BRB", and "OMG"s. Made me feel like a god damn hermit living under a rock.

Even with my past failures, I made it a point to research and investigate "SMH" the second it made it's way into a Worldstar HipHop video's comment section. Thought about how cool it'd be to emerge on the otherside of the stupid internet acronym warzone. Then I realized all of these are really stupid, including, "Shaking My Head." Yes friend, "SMH" stands for Shaking-My-Head. And yes, I'm fucking serious.

In the internet acronym game, black culture has struggled to find one that sticks. One that transcends into popular culture and distinguishes itself as a popular stupid internet acronym amongst juggernauts such as: "LMAO" and the ever so frustrating "LMFAO." Welp, this one stuck and it's just as stupid as all the rest. I'm going to form a small rational argument against each stupid internet acronym:

"LOL"--say it aloud, doesn't it sound stupid? Just say "haha"
"BRB"--you honestly never need to say this
"OMG"--too religious, easily replaced with "wow"
"TTYL"--I briefly fell for this one, but realized "later" is just one more letter and a lot less stupid
"LMAO"--you're not funny and the joke probably wasn't funny
"LMFAO"--you're 12 years old, not funny, and the joke probably wasn't that funny.
"SMH"--easily replaced with "damn"
"LLS"--I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT WANT TO SO BAD

There you have it. A pure exposure into how stupid we all are or have been. We all used "Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing", so there's really no need to abbreviate a line that takes 3 seconds to type into a line that takes 2 seconds to type.

Hope that answered your question (obviously white) friend. SMGDMFH...figure that one out.

Introducing The “Gym-Pact” App That Fines And Rewards You Money Based On Gym Visits

2012-01-20T15:06:00.003-05:00

Holy hell, what’s going on? Why is the gym becoming that big of a deal?

Here’s a secret: every single time I go to the gym, I do the exact same workout. Every. Fucking. Time. I strictly do the vanity muscles aka the muscles people can see at any given moment and never change up my routine:

1) Fucking Curls
2) Bench Press
3) What I call the “Get Fly” machine because I’m black and it’s more fun that way.
4) That Pull-down thing that really hurts my arms and I don’t know if it accomplishes anything
5) Weird ab stuff—I pick up a medicine ball and chop wood, sit-ups, and all sorts of odd shit. Definitely a turn off for the ladies and again, I don’t know if it accomplishes anything.
6) Walk past all the treadmills and reason with myself that I don’t need cardio until I’m 40

That’s the gym for me. Arms, chest and abs. That’s all you need as a 24 year old guy in 2012. What do I need a firm back for? No one sees my back. And don’t get me started on legs. I dunked a basketball in 2005 and ran track superbly. Fuck outta here with legs. And I have a firm belief that your shoulders are just your arms extended, so I’m covered there. Call me irrational/unorthodox or even fundamentally dangerous, but if you call me inefficient, I owe you a powder slap in the face.

According to the “Gym Pact”, I’d be down about $15 this week. I wipe my ass with $15 (no I don’t). That’s not even remotely scary, so please back off with your holier than thou apps assholes.

No Matter How You Cut It, Eating 1000 Peanuts In A 4-Day Work Week Is Not A Good Look

2012-01-20T13:10:00.002-05:00

Boy oh, boy would George Washington Carver be proud. All of his very strange hard work establishing peanuts in the grand scheme of things to eat is finally paying off. For some reason, your boy Dub Jeezy loves peanuts. After throwing away my second container of Planters, I did some introspection and according to serving size information, I fucking ate at least 1000 peanuts this week. What?

You know those times when you drift off into a daydream and kind of blackout for a bit? When that happens to me, I come to and my hands are covered in salt and peanut remnants. On any bit of down time I have, I'm eating peanuts. Crushing them. Not even sure if I actually like them, but that shit has molded it's way into becoming muscle memory.

Sure, the "scientists" may say peanuts are healthy and this is a good thing, but 1000 of anything isn't good. If I enjoyed any of my other treats like I enjoyed peanuts, I'd be dead as hell. 1000 gummy bears/worms: type 2 diabetes and gangrene. 1000 marshmallows: I’m not sure, but I can imagine it won’t be good. What I’m trying to say is, my sodium level must be off the charts bad, contributing to adult onset inevitable African-American high blood pressure. I have no idea if non-saturated fat is good or bad, but I have a lot of it coursing through my veins. And I’m going to take the liberty to say my protein level must be so crazy I don’t need to go to the gym tonight.

All in all, I’m getting a D on this health test. And you’re out of your mind if you think I’m not eating gummy bears right now.

Working Late Is The Worst

2012-01-19T22:09:00.002-05:00

When 5:01 PM strikes, my body immediately gets sent into fight or flight. Synapses popping and the immune system starts wondering what the fuck is going on. I start sweating and crying a little bit at the same time. Basically what I'm trying to say is, every time I work late, part of me actually dies.

There's no worse feeling than seeing your coworkers walk by your desk with that, "..Damn" look on their face. Just a mixture of judgment and pity that you can't erase off your mind. It's like society picks a time to bottle up your swag and leaves you to your own devices. You, Microsoft Office and motherfucking Minesweeper against the God damn world. Kidding. There's no "Braveheart"-esque war rally to fall back on.

Time starts slowing down and you start developing phantom injuries. No lie, I was positive that I sprained my ankle while SITTING in my desk chair. Because I was alone, I was rolling around the rug writhing in fake ankle pain, completely oblivious to the fact that it was just my synapses trying to prevent me from living/dying. Not a good look when the entire purpose of staying late was getting shit done.

Needless to say, I'm in bed mode at fucking 10:30. A new career high (low) for me. Embarrassing. I'm growing up like a motherfucker.

How Much Does It Suck That "My Heart Will Go On" Was Playing As That Cruise Ship Capsized?

2012-01-19T19:27:00.005-05:00

(NOTE: Several people lost their lives in this disaster and that's obviously a tragedy, but this is RIDICULOUS)

Short answer: A lot. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not trying to die in the most over-the-top case of irony ever.

Scratch that. There aren't many songs I'd rather explode/drown to than Celine's chart-topping love ballad. It's established itself as one of those un-skippable songs that pop on my Ipod shuffle. It's right up there with the "Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers" theme song as the greatest, most timeless song of all time. The only thing holding me back from being ok with a Celine induced disaster is the fact that it's SO damn ironic. That's like getting stabbed by Jason Voorhees while wearing a Jason costume on Halloween.

Why hasn't this song been banned from all aquatic vehicles? Thought they may have added this to the boat driving handbook by now. This song either means instant tears/bliss or chaotic historical destruction. Everyone should know that.

The Working Man's Diary Podcast #3

2012-01-18T21:53:00.006-05:00

Introducing Seany Sweeps! You're in for a treat.

NOTE: We didn't dress very well again.

Is It Universally Known That "The View" Is The Worst Television Program Of All Time?

2012-01-18T19:05:00.004-05:00

Aside from Elizabeth Hasselbeck displaying trace amounts of bougie/elitist attractiveness, there's not a lot to like about this bunch. I had jury duty today because I'm a grown ass man apparently and the only thing I can take away from it is the undeniable fact that I hate all of these women with a pure fiery passion.

Doing the math, jury duty wasn't that bad up until "The View" came on TV. Sat there, napped against a wall and checked Facebook and Twitter all day. Honestly, it wasn't very different from a typical day of work. Then these bitches came on the screen and put on the most outlandish display of squawking I've ever witnessed.

As soon as the show started EVERYONE had something to say. Whoopi talking about how many times people confuse her for a dude, nameless blonde white chick talking about her cholesterol, nameless brunette white chick talking about Sandra Bullock, and Elizabeth trying to squeeze in some comment about apple pies. Pure chaos. No red-blooded human could have napped through that Hurricane Katrina-esque disaster. At first I thought it was a gimmick the show pulled as like an intro sort of thing, but then 58 more minutes went by and the credits rolled. That was fucking it. That was the show. I was left flabbergasted and wanted to ask the middle-aged female jurors why that show is crack for women.

Is that like us watching PTI or Sportscenter? If so, I've regained a new found respect for the female gender. I made a list in my phone of things I would legitimately do instead of watching another episode of "The View":

-walk over hot coals

-drink a bottle of hot sauce

-end one friendship

-strongly consider quitting my job

-go deep-sea diving even though I can't swim

I would have kept going, but they told me I didn't have to sit on the jury. Easily could have reached 1000 terrible things.

The Steve Jobs Action Figure Is God Damn Impressive

2012-01-17T21:29:00.003-05:00

What the fuck? Did Steven Spielberg and James Cameron get together and reincarnate Steve Jobs with plastic and turtleneck material? If it weren't for the blatant action-figure disconnect going on with those wrists, I'd be convinced that this was some cell-phone convention from 2009.

Not since the Power Rangers Megazord has an action figure caused this much of a stir in my life. Granted, this too-real Steve Jobs creation is not composed of a mastodon, pterodactyl, triceratops, saber-toothed tiger, and tyrannosaurus (and sometimes the Dragon Zord when shit got crazy), but damn I'm impressed strictly from a hologram/CGI standpoint. If we can do shit like this, I'm positive ~~I can live forever~~ we can make strides in medicine and other nice things. I'm definitely a little scared too though. Can't have millions of plastic, real Steve Jobses walking around with Watson the Jeopardy winning robot still somehow alive.

Regardless, fantastic presentation.

Nice Book Bro

2012-01-17T19:22:00.002-05:00

This is the rawest, most unadulterated violation of book etiquette I've ever seen on the train.

What I couldn't completely capture in this picture is the overall size and obvious weight of the book. Shit was 4x bigger than an Organic Chemistry textbook. I almost respect the dude for keeping a stern, yet strained expression on his face the whole time while he was clearly in a lot of pain. His other hand is literally preventing his wrist from snapping.

Also, what's good with my man reading the 1st version of the Old Testament? Never before have I seen a book so white, so pronounced, and so powerful. Don't mess with the system man. Just take out a Kindle or a Nook, read the Hunger Games/Game of Thrones/Girls With Fire Dragon Hornet's Nest, and don't stir the pot. That way you won't get creepy pics taken of you by a heterosexual dude while you're reading the first edition of the book of God.

200% chance the girl next to me saw me taking this picture and was VERY freaked out.

Burger King To Test Out Home Delivery

2012-01-17T11:43:00.001-05:00

If you're anything like me, this is the most detrimental information you've received in a long time.

The simple fact that a Whopper meal can be delivered to my door anytime between the hours of 11:00am and 10:00pm is batshit crazy. If this "testing" period goes through, you can pretty much call it a wrap on my life. With just one link, I was more or less told that any future goal that I had hoped to accomplish is officially shattered and my health will plummet until they film a TLC show about me. "The 800 Pound Fight: Dub J's Story."

There's straight up not much hope out there for a blogger that orders Burger King delivery all day. Simply not a shot in hell. Might as well buy into it and dive in head first.

As a fast food connoisseur, I KNOW for a fact that there is no way Burger King can replicate my soda creativity. Anytime I'm at a BK I put on a display that can only be described as the Pablo Picasso of drink mixology. It's like I'm a bartender on the Lower East Side or some shit, except I'm dealing with Orange Hi-C, Powerade, and Fruitopia. I start with about 1/2 Hi-C purely for nostalgia purposes and the mindset that every time I drink Hi-C could be my last. Next, I drop in 1/4 Powerade because that shit has ions in it. I finish the drink off with 1/4 Fruitopia because honestly, Fruitopia is a figment of all our imaginations. Keep in mind this drink has enough high fructose corn syrup to give you instant-diabetes and kill an infant, but it's delicious beyond belief. And I think it makes you black out. The moment BK can prove that they can replicate that drink is the day I sign my immune system over to the devil.

It's a foregone conclusion that, "The 800 Pound Fight: Dub J's Story" would be some of the most moving television of our generation.

Thanks to former co-blogger "G"

The "Don't Step On Fire" Sign Has To Be The Most Outrageous Warning Sign Of All Time

2012-01-16T22:03:00.003-05:00

Not many scenarios where you are faced with the decision of whether or not you should step on fire, but I guess we're officially covered. Love the seagull wildcard they added to the picture as well. Creates such a "WHAT does the seagull mean?!" type of vibe. I challenge any of you to name me a sign that can possibly more absurd.

PS. I want to have a beer with the person that was in such a bind, they needed the assistance of a sign to tell them not to walk into fire.

This Frog Is An Asshole

2012-01-16T20:11:00.002-05:00

I don't mean to be so brash, but this frog is an absolute son of a bitch. Blah, blah, blah, I'm smaller than a dime, take a picture of me. I'm smaller than the CVS up the street from me and I didn't call Time Magazine to photograph me standing on top of it.

Serious question: what does this frog eat? Can't be flies, right? In my opinion, a fly would FUCK this frog up no question. Six-handed slaps straight to the face. I even think mosquitoes and ants would cause this thing some problems. It's only option very well might be some dried up soda on a table at a local McDonald's. If that's the case, this thing must have eaten strictly debris, dirt, and algae all the way up until it turned into a frog. That's not a life any mini-frog would want to live.

Sidenote, how do you feel if you were the guy assigned to take this picture? This has to be an all-time career low for a photographer. That's like if I go to work and someone comes out and tells me, "Hey Dub, just don't bother turning on your computer today. Here's a mop." It goes without saying that I'd flip some tables and say inappropriate things to the secretary if I got assigned the mini-frog picture.

Can I PLEASE Get The Nod To Become One Of Boston's Professional Wingmen?

2012-01-16T19:04:00.003-05:00

How this slipped past me, I don't know, but I've never seen anything I'm more qualified to do in my entire life.

My actual job? Pfft, a mentally-handicapped chimp with a moderate knowledge of Microsoft Office can do my job. Wingman-ing is truly my calling. And call me crazy, but I'm like 75% sure that that black silhouette with the golden wings in their logo is supposed to be me. It's as if they know I'm an extraordinary wingman and created this company knowing I'd find it with my blogger internet sleuth skills.

True story, I'm the Scottie Pippen of Wingmen. Notice how I didn't say Michael Jordan? That's the mentality you have to have if you want to be dominant in your role as the setup guy. My strategy is as follows:

1) Spark up conversation with the less desirable girl.

2) Make a few jokes talking up my friend without making it seem obvious that I'm doing that

3) Separate myself and the less desirable girl from my friend and his girl

4) Make it abundantly clear that I'm not interested in anything further than friendship. (NOTE: If on a dance floor, don't dance too close because you don't want to give the wrong idea)

5) Discuss how crazy it would be if our friends hooked up

6) Receive a high five and $100 in the morning from an appreciative friend.

Kidding. If you don't think I will be ordering a professional wingman as early as Thursday night, you are outside your mind.

Facebook Friday #6

2012-01-13T16:00:00.010-05:00

Blah, blah, blah, funny intro. FB Friday #6.

Number 1 Reason Why You Don’t Go Past the Danger Sign On The Beach:

Hissing fanged-creatures with basketball shaped-squid heads WILL swim around you and spray water at you from their mouths and noses. Hey Joey, maybe you should stop bleeding for 90 minutes in monster infested waters and get some medical attention. That way your friend and his muppet-sounding wife won’t get shook up by these eel-shark-basketball-mammal hybrids. Got a little dumber watching that. Thanks MD.

Boy Gets Ticketed For Recklessly Driving His Toy Motorcycle Into SUV:
Was this kid hammered? Had to be right? My guess is some fermented Mott’s Apple Juice was in play. Probably got a little too aggressive on the playground and took some Mott’s to the face. Another reason he was most certainly drunk is because kids treat any remote control/motorized vehicle with an absurd amount of care and respect. I’m almost positive I would have killed or died for my motorized Tonka dump truck. Gael, lay off the juice and watch out for the fucking Escalade next time, ok? Thanks BB.

Megabus Now Taking People That Want To Go To West Virginia to West Virginia:
The extremely large and robust market of people that have long awaited travel to Western Virginia have had their prayers answered. I’m tired of taking a $1 Megabus to DC, taking the Metro into Virginia, buying an Amtrak ticket to West Virginia, and hitchhiking my ass along a dirt road into Morgantown where there is a higher than 50% chance I’m going to get hacked to bits by a serial killer. Megabus made the right business decision here, because when you’re tired of NYC, Boston, D.C. and Philly, there’s nothing like a relaxing trip to West Virginia to set your mind right. Thanks MA-K

Male Umbrella Usage:
Can’t believe this was a question. Is my manhood questioned because I prefer not to get drenched, have my headphones destroyed and be unable to aggressively play Word With Friends as I’m walking down the street? Mayyybe my manhood can be questioned because I currently rock a maroon-ish, fushia-ish colored umbrella because no one got me a douchey New York Jets golf umbrella for Christmas. No one likes to sit on the Friday afternoon commute looking like a wet dog. That’s when my best eye-contact flirting goes down. I think. Thanks CG

Girls Scouts Cookies Boycotted Because Of Transgendered Scout:
Listen, if these little brats keep making Samoas and Thin Mints they are fine by me. They can be blue, orange and have as many sexual organs as they want. As long as I get my 4 boxes of Samoas and 2 boxes of Thin Mints I won’t snap. Now if this transgendered scout somehow hurt the production of either of these cookies with their lack of work ethic and cookie knowledge, I’m all for this ban. Thanks Tino (KILLING it with submissions—unfortunately could only use one for now)

They Clonin’ Wooly Mammoths Out Here:
Absolutely thrilled to hear this news. This is based solely off of Snuffleupagus though as he is the only wooly mammoth I’ve fake encountered in my life. Eh, maybe the Mastodon the black ranger used in Power Rangers, but that’s a stretch. I’m just so down for mildly depressed, insightful shaggy elephants to roam the streets. Would make leaving the bar a LOT more interesting. “Hey Dub, you want to take this cab with us?” “Nah guys, I think I’m going to climb this wooly mammoth and see where he takes me.” Thanks KCon.

What’s Really Good With Bassett & Dash Hounds?
Got no real explanation for this other than the fact that God kind of messed up making these things. A bassett hound has way too much skin and runs like an asshole. A dash hound is built low to the ground and runs like an asshole. What they lack physically, they make up for in “not give a fuck”-ness. Eating shit they shouldn’t eat, sleeping anywhere they want, and biting you for no good reason. I can get on board with that attitude. That Spellgirl, is the skreal with bassett and dash hounds.

Thanks errybody, have a good weekend.

Friggatriskaidekaphobia Is A Real Word And It Means "Fear of Friday, The 13th"

2012-01-13T10:54:00.001-05:00

It goes without saying that this is the most egregious waste of letters in the history of letters. No matter how you cut it, there’s straight up no need for any word to have TEN vowels in it. Every time I try to pronounce it, I get halfway through, get tired and ask myself “What am I doing?”

If Jason Voorhees had no affiliation with Friday the 13th, there would be absolutely no hoopla and it’d be just a regular day that you wouldn’t make a Facebook status for. Unfortunately movie producers decided to create a 7’3, 400 pound dude that wields a perma-sharp machete and is immune to: fire, stab wounds, gun shots, death, drowning, explosions, and reason. A killing machine in the purist of forms.

If you’re one of those people that can’t function because of the date on the calendar, then you’re an asshole. Not trying to be mean, it’s just true. If it’s rainy out or you’re hungover (like today…and me), it’s understandable, but don’t bring luck or superstition into play. It’s January and there’s tons of motherfucking precipitation outside, of course today is going to suck.

If someone can change the name of Friggatriskaidekaphobia to “I’m an asshole”, things would be set back into order.

Guy Killin' The Iron Man Costume At Comic-Con

2012-01-12T22:45:00.000-05:00

Now this is what I'm talking about. Strap up your boots, grab 17 rolls of masking tape, some yellow construction paper and you've got real-life Iron Man. The blue balloon taped to his hand really brought everything together. Art truly imitates life.

How absolutely pissed is that kid on the right? Just has a "that's not fucking Iron Man" look on his face.

This Crow Is Really Sledding Down The Roof

2012-01-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

I thought this was going to be one of those rinky-dink Youtubes of some crow misjudging a step and slipping a few feet down the roof. Nope. This crow was actually trying to sled down the roof because it was a good fucking time.

How much better are Russian crows than American crows? Exponentially? Every time I see a crow on the street I get mean-mugged until I'm out of it's way. Crows here just sprinkle obscene amounts of hate all over the place because they're pissed at the world. Not in Russia. This crow saw a coffee lid on the ground and took initiative. Said to himself, "Hey, today's going to be better than yesterday because my life is in my hands" or something inspirational and took to the slopes. Determined as all hell to get that lid in the right position for maximum acceleration.

PS. My grandma told me something so outrageously crazy about crows, I still think it's a joke. She said, "Every time you see a crow, a person just died." Chill with that shit grandma. It doesn't make sense and makes you even creepier than I thought you were.

I Respect The Hell Out Of This Bootleg Cell Phone For Claiming It Has 15-Year Battery Life

2012-01-12T19:36:00.003-05:00

Before I dive into this ridiculous battery-life claim, I want to talk about the equally absurd makeup of this phone.

1) It's not even a flip phone: At this stage in the game, you've either got to be a flip phone or a Smartphone to compete in today's cell phone market. Not SpareOne. They scoffed at such nonsensical terms like, "market share", "advancement" and "it's 2012" and kept it real as hell.

2) What's good with that blue alien button?: That's an alien right? I've seen my fair share of Sigourney Weaver "Alien" movies and that looks like a dead ringer. I'm not saying SpareOne needed this button, but the ability to call up Mars when you need someone to talk to is unparalleled.

3) The outer layer of the phone is called "PowerSkin": I've seen bootleg phones before, but none of them have had the brass to come out and call the outer layer of their phone something as off-the-wall as the PowerSkin. Straight out of a 1995 Saturday morning cartoons commercial. If I had a guess, I'd say that obstruction poking out of the top part of the phone was some sort of game changer, but again, that's just a guess.

Now onto the 15-year battery life. You're telling me this phone can outlive most dogs and cats with a single charge? Hell, if you're making that claim, the alien button makes a helluva lot more sense. My phone dies if I walk too fast, let alone make a few calls so my ears certainly perked up when I heard this claim. But 15 years is too much. Too unrealistic. It's like that dude who's doing push-ups at the gym when a girl by and he counts aloud, "9001, 9002." That's stupid. If he said something like, "76, 77, 78" maybe that girl would be a little more inclined to give him a shot.

If one of my readers is stupid enough to own this phone, can you PLEASE let me know what the alien button does?

What Does It Mean When Someone Sends You A Facebook Friend Request And Then Immediately Deletes It?

2012-01-11T21:30:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting here disheveled as hell. Confidence at an all-time low. In dire need of a 32oz container of non-existant Swag Juice.

What twisted, genuinely mean individual would socially blue-ball me like that? I logged on to the Creepbook this morning and saw a little "+1" next to the friend request button. That NEVER happens. I damn near fell out of my chair scrambling to click it and when my jackass phone finally loaded, it said "No Friend Requests Available." Naturally, I thought it was the phone's fault so I reloaded the page like 48 times. Still no new friend. This wasn't a technical occurrence. Someone second-guessed being my motherfucking digital friend.

I admit, my profile isn't the most appealing or inviting profile in the world, but that's not enough for someone to think, "..Ehhh actually, I'm better off not being his friend." Sure my interests are generic and my "Favorite TV Shows" section hasn't been updated in awhile, but give me a second chance. Maybe my quotations make me sound like a douchebag, but I was just a freshman getting into college and after Googling "great quotes"that was the best I could come up with. I don't know why I'm here pleading with an unknown person to take me back, but it's now or never over here. As an aggressive status-updater, I run the risk of losing friends at an exponential rate every day. I can't afford to lose them before they even have a chance for me to creepily message them (if they're a chick) or steal their cool pictures/videos (if they're a dude or a chick). Hurts the blog more than it hurts me. Please take me back random person that refused my Facebook friendship.

PS. I've been fluctuating between like 925 friends and 934 friends everyday. What's the deal with that shit? People deleting their accounts cold-turkey and come crawling back like addicts? Has to be it.

Overdue Christmas Post

2012-01-11T19:23:00.006-05:00

Before I get too deep into this bout of ungratefulness, let me just say that I always appreciate any presents people get for me. It just so happens that my parents are the most unintentionally hilarious gift-givers out there, and it’s high time the world heard about it.

Through the years I’ve acquired too many unwearable sweaters and indescribable oddities to keep track of. To give you a taste, two years ago my dad bought me a three-pack of sports blooper videos. On VHS. From 1987. One year my mom bought my brother and I matching rollerblades. I was 17. My brother was 28.

This year, though, was something else. That picture up there is of all my presents from this year. Let’s break down the haul real quick. It’s a little tough to see, but if you look closely you’ll find:

• a leather jacket

• a fire extinguisher

• body wash

• mustard

• some weird ass rice mix

• granola

• a thermometer

• dish cloths

• gardening gloves

• a scented candle

• a set of sheets

• a 17-piece culinary set

• three, count em THREE, different tool sets

Not even sure where to begin here. I guess I’ll start with the culinary set. Real talk: I had half a Snickers for dinner tonight. Odds of me needing a cheese grater in the next four years are outlandish.

Next we’ll go to the…fire extinguisher? Really have no words for this one. Had a tough time stammering out a thank you after unwrapping this little guy.

Hmm…Gardening gloves…Is it weird that my first thought was to wonder how these could somehow tie into masturbation?

Yes. Yes that is weird.

Lastly let’s look at those toolboxes. Bear in mind, my dad gave me a toolbox before I moved out in August, so now the number of screwdrivers in my apartment is flirting with triple digits. And two saws? Unless a tree limb starts growing through one of my apartment windows, don’t see those coming into play.

I’ve never really been one for fixing things (read: broken toilet), but I guess in the four months since I’ve moved out my parents got the impression that I turned into some sort of motorcycle-riding, tidy-house-keeping handyman. Who knew?

PS. The saw in the lower right is some straight up serial killer shit

Better Indian Vacation: Get Your Head Scalped Off By A Leopard Or Consistently Drink Milk Infused With Bleach, Fertilizer, & Detergent?

2012-01-11T14:00:00.000-05:00

No matter how you cut it (pun intended), your day is going to SUCK when you're missing 1/4th of your dome-piece because it got lopped off by a rogue leopard on the street. Knocks the pep right out of your step. I'd love to feel sorry for this guy, but I have to believe this is entirely his fault. Leopards don't just "pop up" in the middle of your local flea market. Dude's awareness must be staggeringly low to not hear the rustle of a leopard tearing through the street.

Shout out to the dude 4-5 feet away taking this picture who is undoubtedly chillin' in riot gear and football pads.

While I don't necessarily like my milk churned via rickshaw, I don't hate it either. I'm not the type of guy that disrespects an honest effort to be innovative. Put your milk in large metal moonshine jugs and attach it to the back of your bicycle in scorching heat all you want, just make sure there's no fucking bleach, detergent, or fertilizer in it. Is it that too hard to ask? Can't get into any sort of morning rhythm if I'm starting my day with Cinnamon Toast Crunch that tastes like poop and Tide Free & Gentle.

-What it comes down to is preference. Do you want to be mildly maimed for the rest of your life, but drink some of the most baller milk imaginable on the daily? Or do you want a sound scalp, but lack severely in vitamin D, calcium and die a slow bleach induced death? Choice is yours.

PS. It would take $1,000,000 in unmarked bills to get me to CONSIDER going to India for 24 hours.

Microsoft Being Straight Up Brash With Their New "Avoid The Ghetto" App

2012-01-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

Obviously this app reeks of not-so-subtle racism, but let's be honest, who out there is excited to roll through the ghetto? Not me. Nuh uh.

Fun fact about me, I was born and raised in the Bronx, New York. While shit wasn't always gumdrops and sugar plums it certainly wasn't WWIII and molotav cocktails weren't being hucked at luxury sedans anytime they rolled down the street. I didn't consider my area to be "ghetto", but I'm sure some people would have. Everyone has their own relative idea of the ghetto. It's like those Russian Egg Dolls that keep getting smaller each time you remove one.

Large Russian Egg Doll=Well to do suburbs

Med-Large Russian Egg Doll=Suburbs close to trailer park

Medium Russian Egg Doll=Urban neighborhood with some suburban tendencies

Small-Medium Russian Egg Doll=Urban neighborhood with some projects

Small Egg=Financially, educationally and socially deprived projects

REALLY Small Egg=Fucking Afghanistan

As you go down, each egg wants nothing to do with the other egg. I was told by my Dad, Mufasa style, to never go into the South Bronx. I never knew why, but whenever we had to drive through that area, I was fucking terrified. It was an ignorant thought, but 10 year old me would have 100% wanted that app.

I got a little older, I got a little more perceptive and with that said, there's still a 100% chance I'd want that app if it prevents me from ever ending up in the South Bronx. To this day, I haven't been there and irrationally and ignorantly never want to. Papa Jeezy struck the fear of God in me about that place and it ain't going away.

PS. On the real though, this app should be shut down. Can't take 60 yard shots downfield on 4th and 1.

Working Man's Diary Podcast #2

2012-01-10T21:21:00.003-05:00

Potentially 1000x better than the first podcast. Had a really good time making it. Also dressed a little better. I think by the 10th podcast we'll be in tuxedos or some shit.

If you didn't check out the first one, click here. Really bad compared to #2.

Check Out Dirk Nowitzki Dramatically Reading "Oops I Did It Again" By Britney Spears

2012-01-09T22:40:00.005-05:00

I would watch a 2 hour and 30 minute documentary titled: "The Shit NBA Players Did During The Lockout." I'd want it to be like "True Life" from MTV and follow 3 different NBA players doing very different things.

Dirk Nowitzki: After a torrid 127 day bender following their NBA Championship, it's back to work for the tall German with the herky jumpshot. He goes to the gym for 10 minutes, hits his first two shots and realizes he honestly doesn't need to work out. Dirk then calls Mark Cuban, pops on some hipster shades, takes a small hit of ecstasy and cranks out a dramatic reading of Britney Spears' pop hit, "Oops I Did It Again." Lockout defeated.

Blake Griffin: Quickly becoming the "NBA Funny Guy", Blake Griffin decided to go a bit overboard. As a pro athlete, Griffin didn't realize that people only want to see you X-amount of times. Do your profession and be in 1-2 commercials max or else you run the risk of being annoying as hell. Kia, Subway, and that's fucking it Blake.

Delonte West: Gun store, liquor store, gun store, gun store, liquor store, where the fuck are we?! We're with Delonte West. If you want to get precise, we are sitting behind Delonte on a Yamaha motorcycle, clutching a Guitar case full of AK-47s and Sour Patch Kids. This segment doesn't last too long because the sound is clouded with Chopped & Screwed music and sirens.

There's A 100% Certainty I'm Getting Hit By A Bicyclist This Year

2012-01-09T21:46:00.003-05:00

^I WILL go out of my way to haphazardly swing every cab door open for the rest of my life.

It's a foregone conclusion that I am going to get my brains scrambled beyond belief by some clown riding a bike down the street this year. Instead of a New Year's Resolution, this is a New Year's Realization. I've successfully dodged like 35 "cyclists" this week alone. Chicks and dudes flying down the street all willy nilly like they're Schwinn fucking Armstrong with no disregard for human life.

What's the deal with rules and regulations on a bike? I know people said there's such thing as a BUI, but if you have the coordination and wherewithal to direct yourself on a Huffy, you're innocent in my book. A Youtube video waiting to happen. And what's up with traffic lights? 2, maybe 3% of bikers obey the traffic light, which leaves me in a lot of "limbo" like situations where I'm just wobbling in the street wondering what's going to happen. Granted some of it's my fault because no 24 year old dude should be wobbly out in the street, but in my defense there are TONS of lights flashing every which way. That red 'stop' hand is just a mystery. Sometimes it's up and the light is red and other times it's the opposite. Needless to say, the odds are stacked against me to get clipped before 2013.

PS. Took this pic like 7 months ago and knew it would come in handy some day.

Facebook Friday...#5?

2012-01-06T14:12:00.006-05:00

Honestly, I have no idea how many FB Fridays I've done. That can't be good. Anyways, here we go:

1) Kay Jewelers Commercials
Life isn’t gumdrops, fairy tales, and Open-Heart necklaces by Jane Seymour. It’s a grind out here ladies. Every 30 seconds it’s either your birthday, Christmas, I cheated, or Valentine’s Day and I have to spend 1 month’s salary on an expensive piece of jewelry you’re probably not even going to like that much because you want me to get you “gifts from the heart.” I agree with the ridiculous practice of engagement/wedding (is there a difference?) rings, but I’m not about to let savvy TV advertising back me into financial burden icing you out like Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz. Thanks JD-sorry for forgetting you.

2) Botched Marriage Proposal Video

This video reeks something serious of being fake, but for the sake of this write-up I have to say that this is exactly how I see my proposal going. I’m just so off-tune with what women are thinking that I may be dumb enough to take my future ex-girlfriend to a Jets game (fully knowing she hates the Jets, football and Jumbotrons) and propose on the Jumbotron in 2054. Can’t knock this guy’s hustle for one second. Thanks HS.

3) Justin Timberlake Engaged To Jessica Biel
Fellas, we lost an angel today. A true beautiful soul that kept us on the edge of our toes always wondering what the next move was. Anyone who thinks I’m talking about Jessica Biel is crazy because the male population lost one of the last true cocksmen this week. Gone are the days that I will see intros to “Extra” and “Access Hollywood” telling me that JTimbs went on a quadruple date with Sloane from Entourage, Halle Berry, and Adriana Lima. Not it’s time for lame US Weekly articles telling me that Justin and Jessica named their kid “Trashcan” or something celebrity stupid like that. Biel is a dime, but 7th Heaven was F-grade gremlin juice. Thanks JT.

4) Opinions on Vodka Ice-Cream
There is a 100% chance I gag when I take a shot of vodka. Call me a bitch, but my esophagus just ain’t down for that action. Ice cream really isn’t my bag either. I’m not gagging, but I’m not enjoying myself either. Plus people make fun of me because I only like Vanilla flavor and that leaves me open to TONS of “Vanilla Personality” jokes that I’m not prepared to defend. Ipso facto, this is a just a terrible fucking combination. BONUS QUESTION: “What hockey team do you like more: Bruins or Rangers?” Haven’t watched a hockey game ONCE in my life, true story. Call it stereotypical if you want. If I had to pick on a whim, I’d go Rangers because I’m a born-again NY sports fan. Thanks CG.

5) Dude Builds His “Fairy-Tale” Home for $4700
It goes without saying, that this has got to be the worst, most piece of shit house ever assembled. Must be dilapidated to all hell with rats and termites running the show from all corners. One of those places where “Yo Mama” jokes thrive. Like, “Yo mama so poor, she ring the door bell and her toilet flush” type shit actually ends up being depressingly true. I legit may have to go to the bathroom, wash my hands, leave the house, and ring the door bell to complete the operation. Sounds fun on paper, but it’s definitely not a good look in the winter. Thanks Tino.

6) Guy Gets Hit By Train, Gets His Body Severed, Severed Body Slams Some Unattentive Bitch In The Face and She Proceeds To Sue His Estate
This is just another cut and dry case of “watch where your body goes after it gets obliterated by a train and gets sent 100 feet in the air.” Saw that shit today. Dude got hit, made sure to have the dead person wherewithal to angle his body to avoid hitting bystanders. Now he’s able to have a standard closed-casket funeral with no financial complications. (Seriously, I didn’t even want to post this because there’s not many situations where you can put a funny spin on train-splattering gore, but I think I nailed it). Thanks Tino, you morbid fuck.

Thanks everyone!

They Seriously Need To Stop With These "The Devil Inside" Trailers

2012-01-05T22:59:00.002-05:00

I'm just sitting here trying to watch the Jersey Shore in peace while MTV keeps throwing up this terrifying trailer that makes me pee myself and cry at the same time.

This movie might be too scary to even consider seeing in theaters. Poor marketing scheme. At least with "The Ring" you had no idea what it was about and you ended up surprisingly shitting your pants. Not with this one. I know for a fact that I'm going to pull my shirt over my eyes and plug my ears the minute that wacky bitch contorts her elbow the other way. Hell, I may be "fashionably late" to the movie by 45 minutes just so I can say I didn't hide my eyes during the whole thing.

1000% never seeing this film.

Stick Stickly Was The Worst Host Nickelodeon Could Have Chosen For "Nick In The Afternoon"

2012-01-05T20:49:00.003-05:00

"Mommmm? Why isn't Doug on, and more importantly, why is this Popsicle stick imparting his views on me?"

That's basically what I said the first time Nickelodeon pulled this absolute fucking stunt before it's afternoon banger lineup. You remember that lineup, right? Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats, and either Rocket Power/Ren & Stimpy/doesn't matter because you were on Cloud 9 for 90 minutes straight. Then Stick Stickly showed up.

Maybe I was a little ahead of my time, but didn't the overall concept of a stick with googly eyes and some crudely applied arts & crafts supplies throw anyone else off? It was just a childish display that took time from the important questions of my pre-teen world. Like: what rerun of Doug am I about to watch? Will Helga finally roofie Arnold? Why haven't I gotten Reptar for my birthday or Christmas yet? Instead I'm subjected to a finished ice cream stick throwing bad joke after bad joke at me for an awkwardly long 2-3 minutes. I just sat there trapped in my own house, scared to turn the channel because my alternatives were Home Improvement and General Hospital. No thanks.

Stick Stickly..really? That's like if I was Jewish and my blog name was Blogger Bloggerstein.

If You Didn't Think There Was A Shower Curtain Specifically For Assholes, You Were Wrong

2012-01-05T18:52:00.003-05:00

^no matter how much you want it to be, this isn't fake.

I've seen fuckery in a lot of places, but I thought shower curtains were going to be left out of it all. Now I see this and have absolutely no idea what to think about anything. My mind has been blown in the worst possible way.

When you throw in a 1950s bathtub that no one uses anymore, an asshole in a Manu Ginobili mask, and like 7 really bad jokes, I'm going to hate your shower curtain advertisement every single time. On a unrelated note, what the FUCK is a basin? Is it the "proper" way to say sink? I hope not because that's just an asshole thing to do. Needless to say, if I end up at your house and have to go to the bathroom and I see this, I'm burning that shit down arson style. Not even thinking about it. Just waltzing into your living room, grabbing a phonebook, going into your kitchen, lighting that shit on fire on your stovetop, tossing it in your closet, and walking out. Hell, I'll stand outside on the street and wait for the cops to show.

All I have to do is show them a picture of your shower curtain and I'll be acquitted of all charges. May get the key to the city.

Automatic Doors Aren't Opening For Me Anymore

2012-01-04T22:47:00.003-05:00

I guess my soul ran out of juice. Clearly something very important within me expired and now I can't get through automatic doors.

A real chunk of your manhood gets blasted away when you straight up run into an automatic door that was supposed to open. The other day I was crushing someone in Words With Friends when all of a sudden my life flashed before my eyes. I made square contact with the auto-door at my work and hit my face right on the glass. Easily had a mild-concussion and a sprained MCL. Luckily no one was around when I did it, but regardless I had to take the revolving door like a defeated mule. The next day I watched a countless amount of people walk in and out of that door like God was sitting on a lawn chair with a glass of lemonade and a fresh grilled cheese giggling at my misfortune. "Oh Dub, that just sounds like a random unfortunate malfunction." Nope.

Walked out of the grocery store yesterday and crushed another fucking door. Smashed it. At that point I had to ask myself, "Why are you darting into automatic doors with reckless abandon in the first place?", but then I realized it's an automatic door and I should never have this dilemma. The person behind me definitely laughed, made sure I wasn't crying, and proceeded to walk through the door no problem. What's really good with that? Do I seriously have no soul? Do my sneakers not have the proper rubber to trigger the auto-sensors? Am I straight up a bad person and is this my punishment? If that's the case, it's an outlandishly bizarre and straight up cruel method of torture.

I'm not much of 'say your prayers' kind of guy, but tonight I'm definitely going to be getting my hymn on.

The Return Of Sausage Pancake Bites Will Inevitably Be The Death Of Me

2012-01-04T20:48:00.003-05:00

So I googled: diabetes, coronary heart disease, gout, amnesia, and stomach cancer today. Know why? Sausage pancake bites are back. Want to know the other reason why? I have a Dunkin Donuts $25 gift card.

I think the picture is self-explanatory, but I'll give you a brief idea of what's going on with a Sausage Pancake Bite. It's (what I hope is) a sausage surrounded by (what I hope is) pancake fluff. Really nonsensical if you break it down. For reasons I'm not particularly proud of, I'm obsessed with them. Got them one day in an ordering fumble and haven't looked back since. My defining SPB moment was back on a particularly aggressive night at the bar when I got stranded out in the cold near a Dunkin Donuts. Went in and literally said, "How many of those sausage things can I get for $15?" If you do some brief research/math, you'll find the answer to be 24. Granted I didn't eat them all at one time, but I assure you they got eaten. Easily a top 5 worst, most despicable moment in my life.

With that said..they're back. It's like at the end of a "Nightmare on Elm Street" when you think you killed Freddy. Then all of sudden you're in the middle of "Nightmare on Elm Street 2" with Freddy inexplicably unscathed haunting your dreams. Except instead of a knife-handed, burn victim from hell, we have sausage-encased pancakes. It's like I'm eating deliciously disguised razor-blades full of cancer and snake poison.

What I do with this gift card can legitimately shape the rest of my life.

The First Official Working Man's Diary Podcast

2012-01-03T22:00:00.005-05:00

That's us sitting there in my kitchen with an absolutely surprising setup. Microphones out the ass. A soundboard worth more than all our lives. Only 6 beers! Stunning developments left and right.

We're dressed like bum ass dudes too to add to the appeal that we are roughing it something serious out here. Without further ado, here is A Working Man's Diary Podcast Episode 1:

Is Having My House Referred To As, "Bro Palace Empire" A Good Or Bad Thing?

2011-12-30T15:22:00.004-05:00

^shout out to the third Google image result for the search "bro palace empire". Exactly how I pictured it.

Clearly this is a backhanded insult meant to attack the “bro” (aka young adult that hasn’t realized they’re out of college yet) lifestyle. But anytime you refer to anything related to me with the words “palace” or “empire”, I get all tingly inside and think I’m more legit than I am. Every time I go home now I feel like fucking Mufasa touching down on his kingdom. Looking at my kitchen like the Serengeti and my bathroom like the elephant graveyard that I tell my hypothetical lion child never to go to.

Personally, I’ve always connected the term “bro” to frat superstars, but that word has taken on a bit of a transformation over the year. The second half of this 2011 brought about the creation of “bruh”, the blacker, potentially more meaningful version of the word. No matter how you look at it these days, “bro/bruh” means your partner in crime, whether it be: chillin’, drinkin’, schemin’, video gamin’, fightin’, or anything else fun. As much as I hate the overuse of the word and the connotations that surround it, I support it whole heartedly.

Yes we have beer cans, whiskey, condiments, expired milk, a spatula, and clearly old 85% fat-free angus beef in our fridge. Sure our bathrooms have started to develop hazardous, impossible to clean film. Maybe our rooms aren’t filled with ironic framed pictures, plants, or matching bed dresses. But you know what? It’s who we are and to be happy, you have to own who you are.

I don’t know how to grocery shop, interior decorate, or use anything in the bathroom besides Scrubbing Bubbles, so there’s no point trying to learn now. #IMSINGLE #LADIES?

WMD's Annual: "I'm Probably Going To Die This Year" New Year's Eve Post

2011-12-30T12:12:00.004-05:00

What everyone’s thinking:
“Man, open bar from 10pm to 3am? I might not make it through this weekend.” Blah, blah, blah, shut up Dub. Stop acting like you’re the only one that’s going to be excessively drinking on New Year’s Eve. Also, PLEASE stop bringing up 2 years ago when you threw up on yourself, slept on the floor of Penn Station, and potentially cried. It’s getting repetitive and frankly, you’re not that cool. I blacked out too bro, you don’t see me writing 500 words about it. What you do last year? Oh you hung out with your now ex-girlfriend and sipped champagne while watching Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest’s Rockin’ New Years Eve on NBC. Real cool man. Sick blog though.

In my defense, 5 hours of open bar is fucking excessive. These better be the most watered down drinks imaginable or people are going to literally drop like flies. I have a propensity (25 cent word) to get a little overzealous during open bars. I have a full belief that they are a scam where they promise unlimited drinks, but with only one bartender for 400 people, it’s going to be impossible to get drinks. That’s why I pregame open bars. In the unexpected event that it’s a legitimately run organization, I tend to black out real early and offend everyone. And listen, 2 years ago was a problem. Can’t really get your swerve on, or buy a train ticket for that matter with a distinct throw-up stain on your suit jacket and mangled tie. Last year wasn’t a terrible time. Girlfriend NYEs are the mid-range jumpers of celebrations. It’s frowned upon, not fancy, but in the end you’re getting buckets. Really unsure if that made sense, but it did to me.

Let’s talk the Midnight Scramble. 11:53pm has rolled around and people are getting painfully desperate. Eyes peering around like a hawk, people sizing up prey, and wondering if that 5 minutes of conversation at 10:12 warrants a dance-floor makeout when the ball drops. No one wants to be on the outside looking in at that point so you have to make moves. My recommendation, have reasonable conversation with a cute girl early in the night when apps are served to establish yourself as a non-threatening, dapper-as-fuck, knight in shining armor. 11:57 rolls by and she’ll find you because you knocked her smitten ass off her feet over an hour ago.

Just kidding, I truly have no idea what I’m talking about. The only “plays” on my Madden playcall screen are: “Hail Mary” Hail Mary” “Hail Mary.”

It Goes Without Saying That I Need This $100,000 Diamond-Encrusted Toilet

2011-12-29T19:21:00.003-05:00

If you gave me a choice between a bag filled with $100 grand and this diamond encrusted toilet, you best believe I'm taking the toilet like 13 out of 100 times.

If this blog has some sort of direction (which I'm pretty sure it doesn't), it's following the pursuit of being as illogically baller as possible. There's no item that exists right now more illogical than a diamond encrusted toilet worth more than a luxury sedan. You can't even begin to understand how excited I'd be to use the bathroom with the light off because my iced out toilet is blinding my pee stream. The aura that surrounds you after you tell someone, "Umm, can you use the other bathroom? That one has a diamond toilet in it" must be truly special.

I tried to incorporate the Chappelle quote, "It makes your dookie twinkle" into this blog, but I just couldn't. I'm so upset that I didn't pull it off.

Worst Ninja Turtles Weapon?

2011-12-28T21:33:00.003-05:00

We're automatically taking Leonardo out of the discussion because my man was the ultimate cheat code. Rockin' TWO metal swords while two of his brothers are using wood-based weapons like herbs. Splinter probably should have delegated one of those swords to someone else. Then again, I'm no sensei, so what do I know?

A lot of people look at Donatello and think he has a terrible weapon. Like he's going into battle with a branch that fell off a tree. Nuh uh. I'm fully positive he's rocking some bamboo-redwood concoction that may or may not be harder than metal. Plus he can hit people from like 10 feet away without fear of getting punched in the face. Lastly, he can deal non-lethal blows unlike Leonardo who simply has no choice but to slice people to death. No one likes blood on their shell.

Michelangelo doesn't have the best weapon, but they certainly aren't the worst. For some reason, when I see nun-chucks they give off the impression that they hurt really badly. Like they'd leave a serious bump on your head if you got womped with them. Can't be rolling to the bars with a cartoon sized lump on my dome. Respect Mike.

I don't know about you, but all I see are giant forks. Just outlandish cutlery with red fabric wrapped around them. My friend mentioned, "how come no one bled after Raphael stabbed them?" I never thought of that, but it's true. Not only does he have to attack people strictly at close range, but you're telling me that when he does attack, the biggest injury he can inflict is a cracked rib with a blunt dagger? I think this answers the question. You're not getting selected in "Ninja Turtle III: Turtles in Time" too often when you're making things happen with forks.

For A Measly $10,000 You Can Have Your Very Own Japanese McDonald's Wedding

2011-12-28T19:45:00.004-05:00

Hear that sound? That's me sprinting down the street spitting aggressive game at every chick I see in hopes that one is dumb enough to Japanese McDonald's marry me.

Talk about gamechanger huh? You're telling me I can marry a woman, crush a double quarter-pounder, and crack some of the finest orange Hi-C bubbly all in the same place? It's almost too good to be true. AND you're telling me my wife can rock a not at all ridiculous red or white balloon gown too:

Start the proceedings and consider me engaged to a woman to be named later. Also consider my savings account empty, because I'm putting in my full payment today. Can't let such an amazing opportunity pass me by.

If I can somehow rock Grimace cuff links, I'm motherfucking getting married tomorrow. Japan is like 13 steps ahead of us in everything. First Playstations, now Happy Meal marriage.

Thanks MA-K.

Newborn Babies Flooding The Newsfeed

2011-12-28T18:10:00.004-05:00

Call me an asshole, but I'm not the biggest fan of seeing 8 week old fetuses when I crack on the old Creepbook. I'm on there trying to get a full dose of strangely personal status updates, Mobile Upload mirror pics, and the occasional relationship status change. Not only are Facebook "I'm having a baby" albums wildly inappropriate, they're also gross as hell.

"Here's little _____ still covered in after-birth with Daddy"--these pictures and captions happen FAR too often. It pains me that I live in a world where right under some girl's "Bahamas Vacation" album there is a picture of a soft skulled newborn. I get it, having a baby is a wonderful time in a person's life, but there is a most definitely a time and a place. Namely not my Newsfeed. Give it a couple weeks, clean it up, put on some cute clothes, and maybe get it a stuffed animal. No need to give us closeups of the Midwife and your OBGYN, we don't give a fuck. We care about results. I need more Newsfeed pop-ups like this:

Little Dub J looking ambiguously gendered as a motherfucker. Definitely cute, but you definitely have no idea if I'm a dude or a chick. See everyone? Instead of turning away and throwing up because you're pretty sure someone "tagged" placenta in the picture, you can get all warm and fuzzy looking at fat baby me laying on what appears to be a cloud.

No more newborns on Facebook everyone, thanks.

Friends Ask Dub: "What Do You Have Against Almond Joy?"

2011-12-27T22:44:00.003-05:00

^this is the most unprofessional, unoriginal, uninspiring candy bar wrapper I've ever seen in my entire life.

What do I have against Almond Joy?! I honestly thought this was a joke after I berated the idea of an almond based candy on my Twitter (@WMsDiary). You heard correctly..almond based. I didn't know almonds still existed. Thought they all just picked a day and decided to stop growing. One of my coworkers asked if I wanted one this afternoon and I legitimately said, "They still make those?" with the most genuinely puzzled expression on my face. No one understood my confusion and I ended up looking like an asshole.

So where do I begin? For starters, that wrapper sucks. It's the most default design I've ever seen. No one took initiative and everyone wanted to get out at 5:00pm the day that shit was designed. Next, almonds. Almonds are the worst thing to ever be ingested by the human population. Throwing melted chocolate on top doesn't solve any problems. An ugly person in a mask is still an ugly person. I can't tell you how many "mixed nuts" packages were utterly ruined by the inclusion of like 3 unnecessary almonds. Everyone's content with some peanuts, cashews, walnuts, and even tough ass pistachios. Throw an almond in there and you might as well throw-up in the container. Even if I got smashed in the head with a crowbar and thought it was a good idea to purchase an Almond Joy, I'm pretty sure convenience stores don't even sell these anymore. I think you have to order them from the warehouse or some shit, which in itself is absolutely ridiculous. Shout out to my 70+ year old readers that are reading this with a scowl and an Almond Joy in hand. Have fun casually choking every 2 minutes because the molars can't quite crush almonds that well.

The real question should have been: "If presented with these two options, which do you take: 25 King-Size Almond Joy bars or a cyanide pill" That would have been a three word answer, "Cyanide pill please."

PS. I can fuck with coconut

The Miami Heat Intro Video Is Half Douchebag, Half Nothing-About-Basketball

2011-12-27T21:04:00.007-05:00

I was pretty upset when I first watched this, but I was LIVID when Eddy Curry made an appearance. I'm as much of an NBA player as Eddy Curry is.

Shane Battier. What the fuck are you doing bro? You're like 36 with a wife, some kids and a Duke education. There is absolutely no reason to dress like a frat bro with the double-rainbow collar pop. The days of roofie-ing freshmen is over when you have a 401k and a legitimate pension plan. I think the theme of this video was indirectly, "Think Of What People Hate The Most And Dress Like It." Lets run through this lineup: Mario Chalmers in the hipster shades trying to look esteemed even though he's from Alaska. Dexter Pittman is clearly a fake person. Eddy Curry is clearly 3 fake people in one real person. Mike Miller is one more strange hairstyle away from the Neighborhood Watch list. And the other assholes are irrelevant.

If the Miami Heat weren't the real-life version of the MonStars from Space Jam, I'd hate them so much right now. Sweaters, hipster glasses, denim jackets, and absolutely NO basketball screenshots/highlights was not on the syllabus for "Pregame Intros 101."

Christmas Vacation Highlights

2011-12-27T19:50:00.005-05:00

In a word, Christmas break was fantastic. Spent it with some of the best people in the world and was shitfaced like 65% of the time. In what frazzled memory I have of the events, here are the 2 highlights that particularly stood out:

Drank Johnnie Walker Blue Label-
Straight up no reason for me to be drinking that. One second, I was chillin' at the table drunkenly writing lyrics for a soon-to-be awful rap song and the next I was taking shots of some of the finest scotch available. And there was cocktail shrimp littered all over the place for some reason. Here's the picture for proof:

Shit wasn't real life.

Check out this Motherfucker!-

Got this for Christmas and I still don't understand it. Thought it was a stress ball, but it's clearly not. It's just a goopy, gloppy mess of slime and that Gak shit they had on Nickelodeon. Still, I played with it literally all day. The added effect of the rats poking out from everywhere was even more gross. Other gifts might have been more flashy and some might be more useful, but it's not everyday you feel like a simple piece of goopy replica cheese can end your employment.

Hope all of your Christmas/Hanukkah/few days off was awesome, WMD is back with a mediocre vengeance.

Facebook Friday #4

2011-12-23T15:19:00.003-05:00

Is this the end of Facebook Friday? It might be the end of Facebook Friday. Responses are dwindling, people are tired of briefly scouring the internet for me, and there's no fear like having zero comments on a desperation Facebook status.

1) Dude sings "Ninjas in Paris" on train

My man Leon from "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is definitely doing some serious viral marketing for the super secret next season. Larry David is always up to some serious tricks. Just kidding, this guy is just an aggressive crackhead that displayed a B- knowledge of 'Watch The Throne' lyrics on what appeared to be an empty subway. Swag on playa. Thanks VB

2) New Years Eve Kinda Sucks
New Years Eve reminds me of a very talented basketball player that consistently underperforms in the 4th quarter of games. You pay tons of money to party at an advanced level. People are dressed nicer, drinking more drinks, and smelling a little bit more like expensive cologne. All in all a nice time. Then 11:59 pm rolls by and that NYE kiss scramble begins. That girl you talked to a few hours ago was kinda into you, but then again there's that girl you made eyes with for the last 10 minutes. Your buddy looks to also be going for her, so what move do you make? Too much to think about, too stressful. Thanks EJ

3) Wine-Tasting
A sign that I think I'm growing up. Out of all the outlandish tasks that I want to do at some point, I think I put wine-tasting at the top of the list. I just want to break bread with people in suits, talk about grape growth rates, and swirl some motherfucking glasses. Maybe stick a pinky out or two, I don't know. Basically I'm trying not to be a jackass whenever I'm out on a date in the future and order a bottle of wine. I don't know when to sniff, swirl, or how much to pour. Then my date thinks I'm trying to get her blacked out. Even though, Wine Country is in no way prepared for me, I think I'll give it a go. Thanks BC

RIP Facebook Friday.

Big Game Tomorrow

2011-12-23T11:55:00.004-05:00

So big even, the New York Post had to put horrifying expressions on their faces and dress the starting quarterbacks of the respective teams in fucking Puritan pirate costumes.

What I do appreciate is the fact that they made Eli noticeably fatter than Mark. Equally creepy faces and premise, but the fat suit really takes the cake in who this newspaper wants to favor. Onto the game though, I'm kinda prepared for the biggest shitshow since that game where the Eagles tied the Bengals because Donovan McNabb forgot the rules of OT. Eli calling run plays on his own 25 with 2 minutes left in overtime. Eli fumbling the snap and Jets recovering. Mark takes 3 knees running out the clock. The two QBs dap each other up in the middle of the field because they technically didn't lose the game for their respective teams. You think I'm joking...

..but there is like a 35% chance this can happen.

We Be Podcasting!

2011-12-22T21:04:00.005-05:00

We also be drunk. But that doesn't mean this is a half-assed attempt to create a Podcast. We are certainly taking this seriously and bringing the funny to your ears. My overall goal is to make WMD an attack of the senses. You read the blogs, listen to the podcasts, feel me creeping behind you on the dance floor, smell my not so pungent B.O., and taste the idea of victory. Seriously though, you shouldn't be tasting anything.

So let's talk about this picture. My main homie Mack is going to be taking the podcast plunge with me. If you remember he's the guy frolicking seaside playing guitar in the "Home" video. If you enjoyed that, you'll enjoy him frolicking all over the funny on the podcast. Plus he's obviously an alcoholic holding that Jack Daniels. Ya boy Dub J is sipping a polite Coke Zero...kidding, I'm drunk as well. Podcast #1 is coming this week. Get motherfucking amped and tell your friends.

For reference check WMD daily and if you like my boy Mack's music get weird with Stereo Drive-By. See you guys soon from a podcast perspective.

A True "Be Real With Yourself" Moment: How Much Underwear Should You Pack For Vacation?

2011-12-22T12:25:00.003-05:00

Packing shit is certainly not my forte. It's a flustering experience that no one is really prepared for. Guys find their favorite t-shirt, some basketball shorts, and flip-flops and they're good for a 7 day, 6 night vacation in the Cayman Islands. Girls go home for the weekend and they pack 12 bricks, 50 shirts/blouses/tanks, 11 jeans, and 5 purses just in case the weather gets tricky. We're all idiots no matter what gender.

Underwear. I CANNOT get my feet set when I'm dealing with underwear. Society wants me to pack 12 pairs of underwear if I'm gone for 12 days, but let's be real with ourselves fellas. As long as you're not a disgusting individual playing sports all day, you don't really need a new pair everyday. I'm not especially gross or anything, but there are just some days I wake up and know I'm not changing underwear. No one's fault, just circumstantial. I weigh a few things: 1) Did I play intense sports or go to the gym? 2)How many bathroom trips? 3) How clean were the underwear prior to wearing them?

If I had a lazy day chillin on the couch where I didn't eat any Mexican or Indian/other alarming food and am wearing freshly clean underwear, it just doesn't make sense economically for me to change undies. If I'm on vacation, forget about it. Call me gross, but I'm just being real with you guys.

I've reached the point in my life where I bring 2-4 pairs less underwear than is socially acceptable because I know myself better than any of you know yourselves.

No Worries Everyone, R. Kelly Has Written 32 More Chapters Of "Trapped In The Closet"

2011-12-22T11:20:00.002-05:00

If you were one of the millions wondering where the Pied Piper of R&B has been hiding, fret no more. My man Robert has been hard at work crafting another 3 hours of closet searching, midget evading, AIDS having madness.

I, like many of you watched the first 5 parts of Trapped in the Closet with utter shock and amazement. Mainly a "why the fuck did I enjoy that so much" mindset, but it definitely put asses in the seats. In my opinion five was enough. It had all the elements of a great story: a cast you empathized with, a dude hiding in a closet with a beretta, a gay plot twist, and pure suspense. Each turn was twistier than the last and it all culminated with the final kaboom. Then I heard 17 more were created that involved dwarfs and the overall concept of AIDS. Probably the most overlooked cry for help DVD box-set this past decade.

So Kells, how about you call Jay-Z (let's assume he deleted your number), leave a voicemail BEGGING to try another "Best of Both Worlds" album because the other two weren't that bad, and try to grasp the magic that you had on "I Believe I Can Fly." Impossible is nothing.

Stop It Paula

2011-12-22T00:17:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the clearly not well-thought-out late night post. I've been working and traveling all day and the last thing I wanted to do was post a picture of Paula Abdul strutting her ~~still kinda hot~~ crazy ass around with a Pepsi-can purse.

Let's be completely feasible here, what can you fit in there aside from some coins, like 5 chap sticks, and..a can of Pepsi. Paula, if you got a bedazzled Pepsi purse exclusively to store Pepsi, you need to kill yourself. Not that you do, but just in case. And call me crazy, but I honestly don't know what "The X-Factor" is. American Idol 2? I like the logo because it doesn't remind me of X-Men at all. That said, keep strutting that confusingly hot ass around Paula.

Chinese Restaurant Association Just Gets It

2011-12-20T23:06:00.003-05:00

Shout out to all the Jewish readers and enjoy the start of Hanukkah.

Buy someone the Torah on a Kindle/Nook, spin some Dreidels, and make sure to be safe when lighting the Menorah.

Guess This Kid Terrorizing Everyone At The Mall With An Ipod On Is The New Hot Bananas

2011-12-20T21:09:00.003-05:00

The mall is a strange dynamic around Christmas time. A lot of panicked men between the ages of 18-55 are making rushed and questionable decisions because the deadline is closing in. Toss in boy wonder over here and I guarantee things get kicked up a notch.

Yesterday, my roommates and I took a trip to the mall to get the jump on Christmas shopping. Went into a sports store, did a U-turn and came out. Poked our heads into a toy store that seemed to exclusively sell only Mahjongg and like 30 different versions of Monopoly. Then we went to Taco Bell to collect ourselves and figure shit out. After some Grilled Stuffed Burritos and strange Mexican Pizza orders, we got back out there. Our renewed sense of confidence and vigor quickly turned into fear and panic. I found myself lost between Abercrombie & Fitch and Victoria's Secret, trying to avoid smelling anything like A&F while not sneaking too many creepy stares at the Angels on display. What came out of the night was a mish-mash of hurried confusion and missed opportunity. Typical male trip to the mall.

Throw in this cocky motherfucker Preston Leatherman and you best believe it'll be anarchy out there. One spin move pirouette in my grill and there's a 100% chance I'm taking an errant swing. Not because I dislike the dance moves (because he's honestly killing it for the duration of this video), but because of the principle. You don't go near a wounded animal trapped in the corner like you don't spirit finger a confused and disgruntled dude trying to decide if a gift card is better than a DVD.

PS. Never been more jealous of anyone in my life.

Haven't Successfully Wrapped A Gift In My Life

2011-12-20T18:50:00.004-05:00

You see that piece of shit wrap job up there? Multiply it by 1000, think of one of your most painful memories and you have yourself a run-of-the-mill Dub J wrap job.

Here's a quick little personal aside that I shouldn't say on a blog, but may explain why I'm not exactly the most gifted wrapper. When I was home for Thanksgiving break, I was looking through some old boxes because my Mom moved them out of the closet while she was cleaning. After snooping for a few minutes I found my "Life Proficiency" test that they give little kids before they go to kindergarten. Two enormous red flags popped up. 1) Issues in social situations and 2) Inability to understand spacial relationships. Props to Mom for staying mum on the fact that I was kind of retarded.

"Issues in social situations" can be explained based on the fact that I was an only child and better explained based on the fact that I have a blog that displays a very concerning God complex. Red flag #1 was to be expected, but #2 was very alarming. I have distinct memories of having absolutely NO idea how to deal with that "Put the Correct Shape In the Correct Hole" game (there's a sex joke in there somewhere). Literally just rammed the square peg into the circle hole until the game broke or I started crying. Obviously things improved, but I guess the one remainder is the fact that my brain can't comprehend wrapping a fucking gift. Even on layup wrap jobs like a DVD or a Playstation game, I end up using like 26 feet of wrapping paper and a football field worth of tape. Don't even get me started on wrapping clothes--that shit's like trying to squeeze water. Scissors also play a crucial role in causing me to suffer at least one minor injury a year too. Bloody blobs of gifts that overall fuck up the decor of the tree is NOT a good look.

Maybe I'll be a bag guy this year? Do people hate bags? People have to hate bags...fuck.

Want To Have Nightmares Tonight?

2011-12-19T23:43:00.001-05:00

If you're not having nightmares tonight exclusively featuring a porcupine that sounds like a disgruntled "WALL-E", then you're not on my level.

What in the good name of anything was this video trying to accomplish? I would have bet the farm that this thing was a robot dressed in a porcupine suit based on the sole fact that it sounded like a VHS on fast-forward. And let's not beat around the bush, dude really pussy-footed around that cookie. We as viewers came to see your scary ass devour a cookie, not talk our ears off. On the real, what the fuck do you have to say? How is your day so interesting that you are spouting off for the entirety of a 39 second video? Anytime I'm on the phone with one of my parents, my end of the conversation lasts less than 30 seconds. Let them know I'm not sick, I ate today, and I'm still single--basic guidelines to a parent-child conversation. No reason for a porcupine to fill us all with fear for pointless dribble.

Thoroughly apologize for ruining all of your evenings.

What's Good With Tsunami Clouds Lurking Near Cities?

2011-12-19T22:59:00.003-05:00

This tsunami cloud reminds me of me in a dimly lit bar. Just clutching a mixed drink, teetering on blackout, and standing behind a pillar of some sort. Except instead of offering to buy a girl a drink, it's about to destroy this city.

If you're lurking, you have to be a little more discrete. You can't sit next to a city literally looking like a monster about to eat it. Maybe lay back, camouflage a little bit. You don't see me Harlem-shaking in bar basements wearing yellow Adidas track suits. Draws too much attention and gives off a creeper vibe. My move is to post up, make mysterious eye-contact that leaves the gazer wanting more, and smoothly go in for the kill. So in tsunami terms, I guess that means you should find a forest to hang under. Maybe a low-rise mountain. I'm not trying to give you advice here, but when a guy with a .084% success rate speaks, you listen.

Safe to say Birmingham, Alabama is gone right?

From Reader: "Hey Man, Dub Jeezy Is A Stupid Fucking Name"

2011-12-19T22:10:00.002-05:00

Usually the "internet gangstas" don't get to me, but good lord I'm borderline crying right now. The email subject line simply read, "Your Name Sucks" and said everything that's in the title. No signature.

Honestly I thought Dub Jeezy was as close to genius as a moniker could get. If I went real-life initials, I'd be known as "WJ." Whatta herb. Might as well dunk me in the toilet and give me a swirly. Stuff me in an internet locker somewhere. I decided to be hip and come up with some outrageous/blacktastic partially copyright infringing name. Some people will say, "You kinda stole that from Young Jeezy." I kinda did, so what? If Jeezy wants some, send an email to workingmansdiary@gmail.com. (But don't though)

On a completely serious note, I read this email, looked over my shoulder like 5 times and considered going to the bathroom. Dust storm hit the office. It's like I stubbed my toe on the internet.

Facebook Friday #3

2011-12-16T16:08:00.004-05:00

Got a little tense today. Put up the status and didn’t think anyone was going to comment. Reminded me of inviting people to a party and no one showing up. I’m was just sitting in my figurative party hat waiting by the door praying someone knocked. Good thing some comments started to roll in though. Almost offed myself. Facebook Friday everyone:

1) The Most Important Cats of 2011

Shout out to Shironek, “the most relaxed cat in the world.” I’ve been striving to win the human version of this title since 1987, but things haven’t fallen into place. 2011 may be my year when the judges see how little I’ve done to impact society. Thanks MD

2) Kids Suspended For Tebowing
I’m going to side with the school here in an unexpected twist straight out of a Nancy Drew novel. Part of me thinks some of these asshole youths decided to make a mockery of my man Timmy Teebs and Tebowed wrong. You need a perfect 90 degree angle on your kneel, your head nestled in a praying to something stance, and a genuine accomplishment. If these kids got 100s on their spelling test, Tebow away, but don’t do it if you don’t have a reason. Thanks JR.

3) According to some Evolutionary Shit, all of Santa’s Reindeer are Supposedly Females
I think this was an effort by the Coalition of Women to make fun of men by saying we’re lazy and poor with directionality. All I see are the guy reindeer sitting on the sideline and the chick reindeer doing some fat old man’s bidding. I’m not saying this is reflective of the “get me a sandwich” mentality of today’s society, but it definitely is. Thanks ER,

4) Hungary Outlaws Being Homeless as of 15 Days Ago
The obvious question that comes to mind is: what happens if you’re homeless on December 2nd? Do you “disappear?” Get disintegrated by some invisible, unexplained monster like that terrible movie I keep seeing advertised called “The Darkest Hour”? They can’t just take you to jail, because that’s essentially giving the homeless a home. And Hungary doesn’t seem down to help out people in need at all. How about we cool it with Darfur for a sec and investigate what’s happening to Hungary’s homeless for the past 2 weeks. Thanks BB.

5) Worse Roommate Violation: Dropping Toilet Paper in Toilet or Not Cleaning Anything In the Kitchen

For starters, I’m an awful, awful roommate. Deplorable. I’m cocky, annoying, selfish, and most of all unclean. If I see my roommates cleaning, I literally leave the house and walk around until I think they’re done. Then come back and take credit like I was somewhere in the shadows taking out our kitchen’s trash. Pretty sure none of them like me. With that said, dropping TP in the toilet might be the worst thing you can do. You have to fish it out of dirty toilet water that you most likely did your business in and you have to live with the shame of destroying perfectly good Charmin. If you’re one of those assholes that puts it back and hopes it dries off all crinkly and shit, you deserve to be shot. No trial or jury. One shot to the face. Nothing worse than a cover-up TP drop. Thanks KCon.

Got this one up late today. Sorry, had to do “real” work. Insane how that actually happens sometimes. Thanks and have a swell weekend everyone. Follow me on Twitter @WMsDiary. I’ll be blacked out 90% of it and putting up some alarmingly hilarious tweets.

Tebowisms In Real Life Situations

2011-12-15T22:21:00.004-05:00

Tim Tebow. Literally just fucking up for 92% of the game and playing perfect-God comparison'd football for the last 8%. I love that style. Controversially effective. Here are everyday real life Tebow situations:

At Work:
Get to work late. Struggle to turn on your computer and when you do, forget your password 3 straight times so your system locks. Go to the bathroom like 9 times. Spend 20 minutes each trip napping/dumping. Eat Indian for lunch. Come unprepared to two meetings. Develop a complex algorithm to increase company profits by 400%, repair a marriage, and make 4 girls fall in love with you. TEBOWED.

Meeting A Girl:
Stumble all of your words. Buy her a drink that she hates. Receive a smack in the face. Dance terribly and be the only person that wasn't taught How to Dougie. Get blacked out and borderline get thrown out of the bar for being too drunk. Pull out the black card you keep stored in the back of your wallet and tell the girl you were just kidding and you already know her favorite drink. Spin her a few times rhythmically to "Give me Everything" and proceed to make out. TEBOWED.

Cooking:

Buy 14 packs of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks and Sunny-D from the grocery store. Go home and realize that you forgot to buy any ingredients to make salmon over rice pilaf. Get pissed that all you had to buy was salmon and rice pilaf and you got fruit snacks. Turn on the oven, realize that you have a perfectly good souffle in there that you made while you were drunk the night before, invite your girlfriend over, eat some souffle, and make some love. TEBOWED.

Blogging:

Get home. Go to the gym. Make some dinner. Scramble onto the internet and check the big three websites: AOL, Time.com, and Newser. See nothing. Read G-chats throughout the day for casual questions that you lead people to ask. Create a "Friends ask Dub" blog because people like that. Mention something realistic and relate-able that people will enjoy. Blast that shit on Facebook and Twitter. Get 8 funnies, 2 informationals, and have a girl you've never met at the bar tell you, "I love your blog!" TEBOWED.

Friends Ask Dub: "What Do You Want For Christmas?"

2011-12-15T19:57:00.002-05:00

Finally no more porn related questions because that was starting to get awkward. Kidding, that was an awesome post to write. Felt liberated as hell to turn this into "WMD: After Dark." (Quietly want to start that site by the way).

Why isn't Mariah hot anymore? One of the more plaguing questions to affect my life. I'm just sad every time I hear "All I Want For Christmas Is You" knowing full well that she's bloated and getting impregnated by Nick Cannon. Not the future I envisioned. That said, it's Christmas time and you guys want to know what I'm trying to acquire. Well you're going to be completely disappointed because it's kind of weird.

Giant douchebag golf umbrella. That's what I want. Preferably Jets:

Yeah, I'm officially an old person. No need for video games. I get NBA 2K and NCAA when they come out. I have a nice TV, a solid computer, and a King size bed. Honestly what else do I need? I've broken 20 umbrellas on my morning commute when gusts of wind decimate them into thousands of pieces. Let's say every umbrella is $10. 10 x 20=200. Factor in Massachusetts tax and that shit's like a million dollars. I'd be a legitimate millionaire if I had my umbrella game tight. That's why I'm cutting out the middle-man (me) and waiting for Christmas time to launch an all out assault on anyone who cares about me. I NEED a douchebag/asshole umbrella to ensure dryness, pride, and potential millionaire status. NEED it.

Good luck wrapping that shit. Pay me a zillion dollars to do that and I'd end up cutting my wrist with the scissors before effectively completing that job.

Please Tell Me They Didn't Pay $10,871 To Turn A Strand Of Michael Jackson's Hair Into A Roulette Ball

2011-12-15T19:11:00.003-05:00

^this pic is gross

Elephant in the room: these look like pubes. Someone had to say it and that makes an already disgusting picture 10x worse.

It's safe to say the King of Pop is having the weirdest post-death of all time. Despite the news coverage, I have NO idea who Conrad Murray actually is. I kinda have an idea, but I also kinda don't. Once I realized I'd never see "This Is It" live in concert, things went dark. When the lights came on, some fucking casino bought MJ's (pubes) hair and stuck it inside a roulette ball. I played roulette shitfaced while I was in Vegas and didn't care one bit about the roulette balls. Just betting black continuously because I'm black and racist when it comes to roulette. The point is, I didn't give two fucks what the roulette ball was composed of when it kept landing in the red 8 times out of 8. When you're down a quick 500, you are NOT considering how some dude chiseled/melted a roulette ball at Caesars.

Gotta say, Mike is made of money. My man might be worth a billion dollars dead. How much does Dub Jeezy's hair go for in today's market? Like -$4? A tootsie roll pop? The main motivation for the entire existence of "A Working Man's Diary" is to make my hair worth more than $20. Sad? Maybe. Goal orientated? Definitely, but not really.

New Zealand, You Probably Shouldn't Have Done This

2011-12-14T22:38:00.003-05:00

A surefire way to get yourself in some hot water is to put up a billboard of the Virgin Mary reading a pregnancy test with a shocked expression on her face. Probably the most misguided advertisement of all time. What happened to putting a worried teen on the billboard and writing the D.A.R.E symbol? Or "This is your brain on Pregnant"? That always worked for me. Crack an egg in a pan, let it sizzle, call it my brain, and I'm shitting myself scared and will never do anything bad again. Ad people man. Can I get a job atop the industry to make this shit right? Just call me Dub J, Director of Common Sense and Motherfucking Respectability.

Hope no one takes offense to this.

Andrej Pejic Is Not A Girl

2011-12-14T22:06:00.002-05:00

Eh, I was fooled. I'll admit it. Went in with the standard, "who's this kinda hot bulimic bitch" approach and continued reading the article. Felt a little weird, but then realized that everyone in the 80s had this experience with Prince and The Revolution.

Micki Free was certainly not a fuckin' girl, but like 1 out of every 8 dudes thought he was:

Just got to chalk up a smooth, "My bad" and walk away with my head held high.

Merry Christmas Mom!

2011-12-14T20:24:00.003-05:00

Hey Mom, I know how much you love low-risk, high-reward Christmas gifts, so I said why not splurge for the Passenger Seat Office. Why get you something risky and off the wall like a necklace when I can get you the safest, most practical gift on the market today?

Believe me, I know how much you like to multi-task in the car. Sometimes you change the radio station, sometimes you're illegally on the phone, and sometimes you're doing both. Being the best son in the world, I got you something that lets you do all of that and more. Need to change that Excel document while making a U-Turn into oncoming traffic? Done. Want to upload some Facebook pics of me doing funny shit during thanksgiving while merging into the next lane? Done again. I know you're probably going to ask, "Did he get me the printer with the non-skid Auto Exec. power inverter?" Obviously I did. How are you going to do all of your work when shit is skidding everywhere while you're on cruise control? This ain't Bush league mother, I mean business when I get you gifts. Remember a few years back when I got you a waffle-maker even though you already had one? That was an awesome experience and it brought joy to may face to see your excitement. I know you didn't forget that oven mitt with my baby picture on it. Definitely know you're using that. So add the Passenger Seat office to my list of awesome gifts. You're welcome.

PS. Completely kidding this thing is a god damn DEATH TRAP. Necklace is currently in the mail mom.

Toronto Bro Penguins Broken Up By Females

2011-12-13T22:50:00.003-05:00

What's wrong with a couple of guys hanging out? Nothing like watching a game, making jokes, and 'nesting' with your boy. Wait, nesting?

So Pedro (why?) and Buddy spent a lot of time together, what's the big deal? Nothing wrong with bro'ing out penguin style. Sure things got a little intimate, but I'm sure they were all like, "Yo, let's nest together tonight man. No homo" and it was all good. Unfortunately like every great male friendship, women entered the fray and they stopped giving a fuck about each other. Can't knock that.

Zoologists called them "gay" penguins because all they did was chill with each other. Guess you can call Dub J gay too because I hang out and eat nachos with my boys when it's unexpectedly "Ugly Night" at the bar. Put these guys in a situation where there are dimepiece penguins running amok and I guarantee they'll be mating and courting broads left and right. Sure Pedro's "striking out left and right", but God dammit you can't help but love his spirit. Reminds me of me out there, fighting the good fight with a short memory for rejection. These two frat star penguins were just waiting for the right scenario to spread their comically small unusable wings.

PS. I don't know why, but I felt kind of gross writing that entire thing.

Friends Ask Dub: "What's More Shameful, Being A Pornstar Or Being The Live Webcam Girl That Pops Up In The Bottom Right Of Your Screen?"

2011-12-13T20:23:00.007-05:00

^My safe search is permanently off and I just didn't have many appropriate choices for the picture.

(It goes without saying, things are about to get dark. Mothers/Good people stop reading now because we're taking a journey into the depths.)

Ah, porn. A topic that hasn't been touched on the blog and a topic I kind of avoid because like I said, things get dark. But fuck it. Let's go. Fellas, we all know EXACTLY what this question is asking. We casually ask it to ourselves every night before we..umm..engage. That said, we have to look into this from the perspective of the respective women: the pornstar and the live webcam girl.

My perspective as a female pornstar:

I don't give a FUCK what people think about me because I'm rich and have a shark tank in my heavily mirrored bedroom. Sure, my parents stopped talking to me after "Naughty Bookworms 22", but who needs parents when you've got sharks. My love life isn't too glamorous, but that's ideal. All I want is sex is anyway. I don't care if the guy just throws me a towel and walks away, I'm adored by all my fans. My Twitter followers tell me I'm hot all day, so that's cool and my Facebook Fan page profile pic has 11,130 likes. People respect me! I swear they do! I won an AVN for best Interracial scene so that means I'm progressive. Why doesn't my Mother answer any of my calls? And why does Fleshlight keep calling me?!

My perspective as a live webcam girl:

Man, today was tough at the law firm. I just want to plop down, open some Ben & Jerry's and watch some network television. ::After showering and slipping into a nightie I open up my laptop:: I guess I'll call Cathy and see how things are going in the chat room. Whoa, there are 13 people in the room! I'm signing on. Oh god, it says I'm in the bottom right corner of Pornhub. I hope I'm not bothering whoever is surfing. Aw, who am I kidding, they X'ed me out a long time ago. "Hey guys, you want to see more? Just click private." God, this spiel never works. I hope my coworkers aren't watching this. Scratch that, NO one is paying attention to me right now. Pretty sure I can say and do whatever I want right now. Wait a second. Someone named "DubJeezy" just signed in and paid for the premium package. Oh my god, what do I do? He's asking me to get a bag of marshmallows, a picture of Nick Cannon, and the game Jenga. Shit, things are about to get weird.

Andddd scene. Whoa. Don't think I'll ever be the same after that. Got a little gay and certainly got creepy. Oh well, no regrets. After much ado, my answer is: pornstar. Them bitches have like a 40 year shelf life and that's if you're lucky. Webcam girls can make like $100 a month and live to fight another day working their 9-5 desk job. Sure SexyLisaXOXO is depressed, a little lonely, but in the end she's in better shape than Jenna Haze is in 30 years.

Bear Says, "HAYYYY"

2011-12-13T19:55:00.002-05:00

Guess I was wrong about that dude running from the bear. Maybe he should have just let himself get caught and let the most unexpected, illest game of patty-cake commence.

Now that we got the petty jokes out of the way, how scary was that shit? If bears are giving out flimsy waves to random tourists, what can we keep sacred anymore? He was supposed to burst through that plastic 1.5 foot fence and wage war all over that safari van. Then break the camera on the ground after screaming "Worldstar, Worldstar!" into the camera. Never thought I'd be disappointed in a Grizzly bear, but damn, I'm kind of depressed. Literally everything I believe in is falling apart around me. Bears aren't scary, santa isn't real, and girls DON'T like you if you write a blog. My world's upside down and inside out right now.

"Eat some fucking tourist, yell out HAYYYY" (Ne-Yo voice) (Bad joke)

Excessive Exclamation Points

2011-12-12T21:50:00.004-05:00

The spicy bitch in this e-card is speaking the realest of real talk and I can't help but respect her two-dimensional ass. People are exclaiming WAY too much these days.

Today I got a text message from a friend of mine that said, "Hope your vacation was fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lies. No human alive ever hoped anything was 30 exclamation points worth of fun. Seriously, if cave men could text back in the day and a meteor was falling from the sky, I still don't think that "Oh SHIT we all gon' die" text should have more than 4, maybe 5 exclamation points after it. People have too much power. Too much to the point that they're making a mockery of punctuation. We were given these tools to express ourselves, but like Spiderman's uncle said, "With great power, comes great responsibility." Sometimes it's the overzealous emailer, stressing how bad their day is with "OMG this day sucksss!!!!!" Other times it's an unreasonable Gchat that's literally just "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and you're at a loss at how to respond.

From the moment we learn that the SHIFT key combined with "1" key creates "!" we are at a crossroads. Some people take the conservative route and only use them in work emails and Facebook Happy Birthday messages. Others use them for pure annoying evil. We only do it at work because the technologically handicapped older generation can't understand emotion unless you show it through symbols and we do it on Facebook because we want you to write on our walls when it's our birthday. Don't choose the wrong side.

150 character texts where 135 of the characters are exclamation points? Throw your phone in the toilet.

Things You Think About When You Hear Your Toilet Flush 6,600 Times in One Day

2011-12-12T20:41:00.000-05:00

This is a video of my toilet.

Yesterday morning, I flushed my toilet. And then, my toilet flushed again. And again. And again.

“Stop flushing,” I said to my toilet. But it didn’t listen. It just sat there flushing.

I jiggled the handle. I twisted some knobs. I jumped up and down and stamped my feet. But my toilet just kept flushing.

My toilet is sealed in such a way that you can’t access any of the pipes, and maintenance for my apartment building is closed on weekends. So my little toilet continued in this manner, flushing every 12 seconds, from 10 am yesterday until approximately 4 pm today. That’s 30 hours of nonstop flushing, or, for anyone who’s counting, 9,000 consecutive flushes. Look at my little toilet go!

Yesterday was a Sunday. I was hungover and football was on, so naturally I didn’t leave my apartment. Didn’t even consider it, really. This has become somewhat of a tradition lately. I enjoy it more than I should.

I left for work at 8 am this morning, so that means I was present for 22 consecutive hours after the flushing commenced, or, if you’re keeping track, 6,600 total flushes.

A lot of things ran through my mind as I listened to my little toilet flushing away. Most of them not very good things. It’s hard to stay optimistic when every sentence and every thought you have is punctuated by a big “FLOOOOOOSSHHHHHH.”

I thought about the holidays coming up, and I thought, “I have so many friends and family members that love and care about me.”

“FLOOOOOOSSHHHHHH.”

I met a girl I liked last week. She seemed to like me too. I thought, “Maybe I’ll ask her out on a date this week.”

“FLOOOOOOSSHHHHHH.”

I thought about my job and all of the things going on in my life, and I thought, “I have a bright and promising future ahead of me.”

“FLOOOOOOSSHHHHHH.”

You see what I’m getting at. Watch that video while you’re doing absolutely anything and it’ll make sense.

Then, I thought of the absurd amount of water I was wasting (approximately 14,400 gallons). I thought of this not because of environmental concerns, but because I feared it may raise my bill at the end of the month (still kinda worried about this btw).

Then, I went to pee, and as I was peeing, I thought that the bright spot of the situation was that I didn’t have to push the handle down to flush after I pee. Then, I realized that not needing to push the handle down after I pee’d was probably the highlight of my day.

……

“FLOOOOOOSSHHHHHH.”

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

DOBC: Death of Bubble Coats

2011-12-12T19:27:00.005-05:00

^I Spy a comically small broom and stacks of beer balls in the back right of this picture. Did I mention, I'm single?

Was the death of the bubble coat, the most abrupt and unrecognized fashion death of our generation? Like a flash, they were eliminated as a legitimate cold-weather clothing option for what seemed like no reason. No idea what happened. I was checking in the closet for a dufflebag and saw mine balled up in the corner looking absolutely pathetic. By all accounts, it's my warmest coat, but I simply can't wear it out of fear of looking like an out of touch herb. I'm going to do a service to the once respected jacket and give it a proper obituary.

MY GRAY AND BLACK NORTH FACE COAT (2002-20??)

My gray and black North Face bubble was a great coat. It was warm, fluffed to all hell with goose feathers, and gave me a false sense of safety. Numerous times I asked people to punch me while I wore it and pretended to not feel pain when the hits actually really hurt. Many people took the liberty to call me variations of the "Michelin Man" and "That Marshmallow Dude from Ghostbusters" when I wore it. I felt fortunate because, let's be honest those were terrible jokes that made anyone who said them sound like an idiot. I'll miss struggling to wash/dry my coat due to a gross lack of cleaning instructions. I'll even miss your unexpectedly weak and flimsy hood that did very little against the weather you were built to protect against. Sometimes your pockets could hold the world, like Baggin' Saggin' Barry and sometimes, they couldn't hold my cell phone. Your unpredictability will be missed, your warmth was unquestioned, and despite what society wants me to do, I'll occasionally wear you when I go to take out the trash. RIP.

Is It Bad That ALL Of My Roommates Are More Talented Than Me?

2011-12-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

I'm a pretty narcissistic dude. You can probably tell from the fact that I have my own blog where I talk about myself in literally every post. Thousands of little Dub Jeezy anecdotes, childhood memories, and general "I'm awesome"-ness. Some would say it hovers on the edge of douchebaggery and to those of you that think that, I can't disagree. Today though, I am a humbled man. A man that recognizes he's the least talented roommate in a house full of five people.

See that video up there with the tall dude galavanting up and down the eastern seaboard with a guitar? One of my roommates. The song itself features another one of my roommates on the bass and long lost co-blogger Craw on the drums (may he RIP). You know how many times I had to yell, "Guys stop playing music so I can blog"? Embarrassing. You don't need silence to blog. I'm just a hater to the fullest. Then there's my other non-musical roommate who's just that prototypical default dude that's killing it. Has a protagonist look to him and an overall sound moral compass. What are the odds that I'd literally be the least talented person in a 5 man house? Well fuck you guys, because I'm the best at sitting on my computer in very little clothing and scouring the internet for nonsense/borderline offensive material. Got 'em.

NOTE: If you live in the Boston area and are interested in good causes my roommates' band "Stereo Drive-By" is performing a benefit show at Copperfield's Bar near Fenway on Saturday, December 10. If you hate great causes and good music, you're probably some shriveled green dude in Santa clothes. Grinch reference.

Facebook Friday #2

2011-12-09T14:15:00.005-05:00

Two weeks and the wheels on this misguided bus haven't fallen off yet. Frankly I'm impressed. That said, let's get on with it:

1) Douchebag Investment Manager Snaps On A Girl That Didn't Call Him Back After A Date:

At first I felt for the guy because we've all had a girl deny us in a salty manner. I'm still at a loss to why girls give you numbers at the bar, but won't respond to your text a couple of days later. Then this dude dropped the, "That's real money. That's not monopoly money" line and he lost me. I feel like it's a rite of passage for any investments asshole to reference a comparison between real money and monopoly money at least once in their working career. Thanks MD.

2) Six-Year-Old Boy Charged with Sexual Assualt for Playing Doctor:

Thank GOD the justice system wasn't this on-point when I was six. I was a bonafide rapist. Going up to chicks and just kissing whoever I pleased when the teacher wasn't looking. Teacher started writing on the chalkboard, I snuck one in. She cried, I denied. Looking back on it, that explains a TON. Thanks Tino

3) Skip Bayless Sucks:

Actually, dude's pretty jacked. If he fights like he argues (reckless, over the top, and wrong), he literally may rip me limb from limb and eat my face off. On a sidenote, my man Stephen A. Smith got a little too ghetto on TV the other day. Thanks CG

4) An American Juggalo 23 Minute Mini-Movie: Thanks Tino. If anyone wants to take the afternoon off to watch this, they'll probably get fired.

(Ever since Eminem called them "Faggy 2 Dope" and "Silent Gay", and had a track on the Marshall Mather's LP dedicated to both of them felating each other, I stopped taking the whole "Juggalo" thing seriously).

5) Kris Humphries Baking Cookies on Good Morning America:

My man Kris basically climbed the face of life's mountain and promptly fell off the other side. Like 2 minutes ago dude was yucking it up with Scott and playing Halo with Rob. Now dude is popping in some Pillsbury Toaster Strudles into the toaster. Also, I'm pretty sure he's not on any NBA roster at the moment. Damn. Thanks JT.

6) Videogamers Thought Their Stellar Game Play Would Get Them Charged With War Crimes:

Just another case of a video games altering reality. Happens all the time for the chiseled gamer. Can't knock these guys one bit. Last night, I was watching the college football awards and thought my digital QB in NCAA Football '12 would sweep the offensive player awards. All you got to do is splash your face with some cold water and trudge forward like nothing happened. Thanks BL.

7) Museum Scared To Open Ancient Roman Wine:

This wine has these curators by the balls. Taunting them, daring anyone to come up and attempt to see what's inside. I'd be scared too if pent up 600 year old grape smell was waiting to smack me in the face. Hell, I'm terrified if there's a rogue Bud Light hanging out in the bag of the fridge. You don't know wrath until you've had an 11 month old, half-frozen Bud-Light. Thanks CG.

8) Couple Of Chicks Looking To Cuff Up Some Dudes for The Holidays via Craigslist:

I'm so on board with this, it's crazy. Everyone wants someone for the months of December-March (excluding Christmas and Valentine's Day). It's cold as fuck, there's ton's of TV on demand, and hot chocolate made by someone else is 1000x better than hot chocolate you make. Tino coming in hot on Facebook Friday.

9) The Motherfucking Hawaii Chair:

If you're down for throwing up twice a day, being unable to complete basic tasks, and getting fired, the Hawaii Chair is right for you! I damn near wanted to dedicate an entire blog to this thing, because it has to be one of the worst inventions ever created. The song was awful, the chair is vomit inducing, and the bit extras throughout the video looked terrified to be on it. Sometimes the stars align and a perfect Youtube video is born. Big thanks MM.

10) Chargers Kicker Nick Novak Just Pissing On The Sideline Before A Kick:

I tried that once in football and peed all over myself, my gloves, somehow my helmet, and like 4 teammates. I'm thoroughly impressed. Thanks RP.

Thanks everyone!

Anyone Pumped That Orange Is The Official "Color" Of 2012?

2011-12-08T22:26:00.003-05:00

Orange? I get that everyone's trying to avoid the words "impending apocalypse", but can we have a vote at least. I'm not trying to spend my last year of living on a peaceful, non-fire/four horsemen filled Earth squinting at the color of the year. Orange is bright as fuck.

Don't get me wrong, I'm cool with the idea of orange. Orange juice is always a good time, chicks in orange dresses get me riled up, and my favorite Ninja Turtle was Michelangelo. I'm not a hater, I just also see some flaws in the color . Like the "Orange Alert" on the Homeland Security Advisory board. What are you trying to tell me? I'm supposed to be really scared, but not too scared. I can go outside, but I can't go anywhere when I'm outside. It's just such a middle-ground spot of awfulness. It's basically the hook-up buddy of colors. Sure you enjoy hooking up, but someone's going to catch feelings and by the 4th hook-up everyone is fucking confused and in tears.

I'm not going to go through pre-apocalypse 2012 crying whilst confused. I'm trying to quit my job in like September, loot thousands upon thousands of stores, have roughly 75 "It's the End of the World" theme parties and greet the 4 Horsemen with my camera phone out for some legit Mobile Uploads. Can't achieve any of that if we have Mr. Face just smiling at us every morning.

This Video Of A Demon Monster Mantis Shrimp Solving A Rubik's Cube Can't Be Real...Right?

2011-12-08T21:36:00.007-05:00

A Youtube video comes around every once and awhile that will leave you perplexed and terrified at the same time. This is that video. It's a gargantuan half shrimp, half mantis solving one of the most intellectually trying games in minutes. With just it's tentacles and antennae.

Of course there are going to be the people that come out and say, "Dub you're an idiot, this is clearly fake", but there are also people that have to be intrigued by this. What a treat it would be to find out that deep sea mollusks are capable of complex thought and a respectable knowledge of algorithm. My mom gave me a Rubik's cube when I was like 6 and the moment I realized it didn't give me candy I was so upset. Legit went up to her and essentially asked, "What the fuck?" the best possible way a 6 year old can. Now that's because I was a dumb kid. I'm sure there were kids that enjoyed them and grew up to become not blog writers. To each their own. But this kind of makes you feel bad if you were good at the Rubik's cubes huh? That thing you bragged about for years is being bested by a run of the mill demon shrimp in minutes. Yikes nerds. Yikes.

I'm banking on the 0.005% chance that this is real and preparing for a very, very dark mantis-shrimp-demon filled future. I've said it once, I've said it a million times, you have to worry about mollusks that can solve algorithms.

How To Run From A Bear

2011-12-08T20:09:00.002-05:00

^0:23 is when things get realer than real

One of the main perks of being a blogger (and black) is that I am rarely in situations where I have to run from a fucking BEAR. Chillin' in my boxers literally 100% of the time I'm not at work, declining any and all invitation to go camping, and researching phone apps to monitor the migration patterns of bears. I'm just doing my part to make sure this never happens.

While I'm a fast dude, there's no way a rogue root isn't going to pop up and trip the shit out me. No way. Roots get their paychecks because they trip dudes running from bears. So what's the deal with the guy rocking a first-person view camera on his forehead? Didn't give off the pornstar/whatever activity requires a first person helmet cam vibe. In the event that this bear didn't chase him, this would literally be the worst video on Youtube. Grainy footage of your jog through Yellowstone on a Tuesday afternoon might be the most un-entertaining thing of all time.

Did my man really juke that bear?

Rick Perry Not Even Trying To Hide It

2011-12-08T19:52:00.004-05:00

“There's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military.”

Come on, Rick. You’re running for president, here. At least try to lock up the offensive statements til you’re in office, much less include them as part of your campaign.

I’m no politician, but something tells me ads like this ain’t gonna fly too well anywhere outside of the Texas state boundaries.

Not that he was really gonna pull down any of the democratic vote anyway. But if he had any hope of locking up the gay republican vote, it just went right out the window.

There have to be gay republicans out there somewhere…right?

I usually steer clear of politics, but this is just a gimmie. If Byahhh! can derail a presidential campaign, surely this and his recent memory lapse can too.

On the flip side, kudos for giving me a layup of a post, Big Rick. Looks like I’ll be clocking out early.

Now the question is, what do I do with the rest of my night? Too bad the football game tonight is downright unwatchable. I’m starting to feel Dub J’s Staycation pain, and I’ve only been bored for like 12 minutes. Might be about time to slug some NyQuil and call it even.

Not A Thing Weird About This Picture

2011-12-07T22:35:00.004-05:00

Just a bunch of dudes presumably listening to a speaker, sitting with their sex doll girlfriends. Nothing to see here.

It's not like every dude pictured looks EXACTLY like the type of dude that would own a sex doll or something. Everyone needs to stop being so judgmental and over analyzing the fact each of these dolls is intricately dressed in tops, bottoms, and shoes. Haters, that's what you all are. Spouting out unfounded statements like, "At least 3 of these dudes have been or will be a serial killer." Come on now, that's hurtful. I even heard someone suggest that the people in the picture might not be listening to anyone, because what person in their right mind would lecture a bunch of dudes sitting next to sex dolls. I ask each of you to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I normal?"

We've all taken pictures that we're not proud of, so how about you back off and let these completely normal people get back to whatever they're doing.

Kidding. These people are fucccckkked. (Thanks BS)

Friends Ask Dub: "What Have You Been Up To During Your Staycation?"

2011-12-07T20:46:00.003-05:00

Hey guys! I haven't killed myself yet. And I'm only in the mild stages of hoarding. All in all, I have to call it a success thus far. The only alarming thing is the fact that I keep asking myself these 3 very alarming questions everyday:

Question 1: What is an errand?

I wake up, get my bearings, read everything on ESPN.com, and sit there kind of confused for awhile. When my head clears I go through the list of things I need to do and quickly realize I don't have shit to do. Not one. I'm borderline creating errands for myself. Squeezing out way more body wash than normal, egregiously pouring out alarming amounts of milk into cereal, and straight up going to the post office for no reason. So really..what is a fucking errand?

Question 2: What day is it? (Multiple times)

Kind of self-explanatory, but whenever I'm off for more than 2 consecutive days I become oblivious to date and time. Throw a broken phone into the mix and I'm essentially Amish. I tweeted, "Absolutely no idea what day it is" not as a joke, but a cry for help. Damn near had to wait for one of my roommates to get home before I found out it was Wednesday. Is it Wednesday?

Question 3: When was the last time I've eaten?

I'm either malnourished or over-nourished. I have no way of knowing and my body damn sure isn't giving me any indication what's going on. Today I ate some Trix (because that's the only cereal anyone should be eating on Staycation), went to the gym, came back and made eggs, bacon, and toast. Didn't realize I ate Trix this morning til about 20 minutes ago. Also ate a burger 20 minutes ago. I'm in trouble.

That said, I'm having an awesome time spiraling into dementia and I give this Staycation a B+.

Nazi-Monopoly Proves That "Ghettopoly" Isn't The Most Offensive Game Of All Time

2011-12-07T18:56:00.008-05:00

is a little worse than..

As a black guy, I find the gold-teeth, bandana-wearing, uzi and 40oz wielding character in the middle of the Ghettopoly board hilarious . Can't really be that offended by misguided ignorance. Nazi-Monopoly on the other hand, is fucking horrible.

So many different unrecognizable, yet clearly offensive symbols on the Nazi board. This game isn't even trying to be Monopoly. Pretty sure there aren't any properties on the board, just hateful symbols. At least Ghettopoly threw a few crackhouses and liquor stores into the mix. Basically what I'm trying to say, is that solid efforts weren't made to keep the integrity of the game alive through all the hate. All I see are Swastikas, Black&White lightning bolts and a skeleton Hitler scaring the shit out of everyone. I don't believe I'm saying this, but maybe Nazi-Monopoly should have taken a page out of Ghettopoly's book. Be so over the top that people are overwhelmed with how many things there are to be offended by, but still maintain the feeling of being offended.

WHAT is the currency for either of these games? Scratch that, don't answer that one.

The "Spinops Sternbergorum" Is The Fakest Discovered Dinosaur Of All-Time

2011-12-06T22:45:00.008-05:00

Let's be real and point at the elephant in the room. This is just a Triceratops with some blue face paint and JV horns poking out of it's head. And a dude's signature on the side.

Look, I ain't mad atcha Cleveland Museum of Natural History because we've all bullshitted something in our lives. Sometimes you tell your boss you got something done when you aren't quite finished and sometimes you fabricate the existence of a dinosaur. Hey, you have a drawing of what you "think" it looks like so I guess you're home free. That means I can find a chicken bone on the ground, hit up Microsoft Paint and become an archaeologist within a couple of days. The only difference between Dub Jeezy and Cleveland's finest archaeologist is the fact that I wouldn't make it look exactly like a dinosaur that fucking exists. Like an exact replica of the Triceratops. Embarrassing bro.

For the record, my chicken bone dinosaur would look like this:

Jay & Kanye Perform N***** In Paris 8 Straight Times In Chicago

2011-12-06T18:55:00.005-05:00

It was cool when they performed the song twice in strictly an encore fashion. It was kind of baller when they performed it 3 times in a row when people were losing their minds wanting more. But then they played it 7 times in Detroit. And then 8 times in Chicago.

That'd be like me posting the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show post 8 times in a row in the same night. Yeah it was a good post, but I'm pretty sure no one reads a blog twice in a row. That's just weird. Maybe on a rainy day when you're bored, you scroll down the blog and check it out months down the line. But we can't be too surprised. "Watch The Throne" is essentially a 74 minute dick swinging contest that makes anyone who listens to it feel genuinely bad about their life. Don't act like I'm the only one who googled "Margiela" when Kanye spoke about that jacket none of us would ever own. The sound guy isn't going to give Jay and 'Ye that "cut off" motion to let them know it's time to wrap things up. They know they're in control and we let it happen. If one person in the crowd was strong enough to be like, "Yo guys...three is enough. We're done" and "Occupy" whatever venue they're in, we'd be in business.

How would you feel if you paid $150 for a ticket to the Throne tour and had to sit through 18 consecutive performances of Ninjas in Paris? Essentially begging Jay to play "Just Wanna Love You", but dude keeps talking about the Nets losing all their fucking games. Annoying.

PS. Remix: "Pandas in Scotland" That shit cray.

Thanks ST.

This Picture Essentially Means We're Fucked

2011-12-06T18:22:00.004-05:00

While I have NO idea what's happening in this picture, I can tell you it came from an article titled "Black Holes Billions Of Times The Size Of Sun Discovered." I'm no astronomer, but that sounds like pretty bad news.

Or is it good news? For all we know black holes can be a good time. Grab some glow sticks, a girl with zero inhibitions, some street-level narcotics and you're looking at the most baller rave of all time. Non-stop partying because you have nothing else to do and you can't see shit. Ironically wouldn't me too different from my life now.

My main gripe is this God damn picture. Really NASA? Did you honestly think people were going to look at this picture and think, "Ah, it makes sense now. Thanks guys!"? This shit makes me feel like I need a compass. Not the directional one you use for hiking, but the outrageously dangerous tool you used in 8th grade math. (Quick digression: Can't tell you how many times I had to leave class due to compass related bleeding. Even with the plastic one. Pretty sure everyone thought I had autism.)

Just show me a not-to-scale picture of the Sun and something billions of times bigger than that and call it a day. Stop trying to get cute.

Worst Christmas Present Of All Time?

2011-12-05T21:36:00.003-05:00

Game Child. A game system of few features, even less gender bias, and a ton of heart. For such a blatant copycat item, I have almost unlimited respect for it's style.

-It's NEVER a good look when the direction button is the same size as the screen.

-Off and On are usually the same button.

-Why is there an Anterior Cruciate Ligament button next to the "Start" button? And what does it do?

-Props to the completely cut-and-dry music note volume button. For the guy that likes his sound unreasonably loud or at complete silence.

-Love the Player/Level/Fire button. Just such a meathead button. Answers the basic questions: Who am I? Where am I? Who do I kill? Love it.

For some reason I feel like this thing strictly takes un-purchaseable C batteries. It'would only be appropriate.

How Bad Of An Idea Is This?

2011-12-05T20:35:00.003-05:00

I'm stuck between pretty bad and really fucking bad. There are very few (if any) situations that warrant a $3.99 Crab Cake purchase. Let me tell you, today was not one of them.

As I wrote about in my previous post, I'm on staycation. When you're balls deep in staycation you have to expect some outlandish plays. I just didn't think it'd be this soon and this severe/life-threatening. Keep in mind, I've eaten these already and to be straight up honest, they weren't bad. Obviously they weren't restaurant quality, but I didn't necessarily want to kill myself so we can consider that a small victory. I like to go by a common rule in life when it comes to food: stay away from any food product that has the word "Handy" somewhere on the box. Blatantly went against that today. Plus how suspicious of a brand name is "Crab House?" Be a little subtle. Draw me in. Don't be all like, "We are quite literally a house full of crabs"--just reeks of desperation and neglected crabs.

You know it's bad when one of your roommates sees you opening the box and doesn't do anything but shake their head before walking away.

I'm So Bad At Being On Vacation, It's Not Even Funny

2011-12-05T18:08:00.002-05:00

So for those of you that don't know, I have the entire week off from work this week. Yup. Sailing the high seas fishing for Great White sharks in Bermuda, playing Yahtzee with Castro in Cuba, and ecstasy'ing my brains off with Nicki Minaj in Amsterdam. It's going to be a crazy week. I don't know if I'll have enough time.

Just kidding, I'm STILL in my boxers. No vacation planned, no exotic beaches, and most certainly no Yahtzee with Castro. I found out I had to take this week off in October and immediately scrambled to ask all (7) of my friends to see if they wanted to go somewhere fun the first week December. Almost everyone responded with a resounding "no" like I said something offensive, but I thought things would blow over and everything would fall into place. Nope. So I had the borderline depressing idea of vacationing...by myself. I'd have to pretend I'm on a business trip right? Rolling around (random spot X) with a suit and tie on with a pep in my step like an asshole. That's no way to live. So I just bit the bullet and decided to stay home and accept my "Staycation" like a man. Then I immediately went online to see cheap flights to anywhere because the idea of a Staycation was legitimately terrifying.

Called my Mom up and said, "Hey, I'm thinking about going to Texas for this week off I got. What do you think?" She responded with, "That sounds great. Can I come?" I proceeded to essentially cry about how I'm a grown man and don't need to be babysat all day erryday and how responsible I am, blah, blah, blah. She wrapped up the convo by saying, "I just thought it'd be a fun time and I've never been to Texas. Asshole." She didn't call me an asshole, but you know she was thinking it. So there I was, no allies on a quest to maintain a sound social standing by avoiding staying home for a full 5 days in a row. Just when you think things can't get worse, my phone broke and I need to wait 3-5 days for a replacement to be delivered. Basically a large karmic "Fuck You" for yelling at my mother I'm assuming.

Here I am, a humbled man. Boxers on, swag REAL low, and no real meal schedule. I slept in, went to the gym, made breakfast, worked on the blog (gasp!), and went into the city for lunch. Came back and it was like 12:18--I thought it was at least 4. I'm not on suicide watch, but I'm definitely not not on suicide watch.

PS. Up until 7 minutes ago, I thought the only version of "Vacation" was sang by Angelica of "The Rugrats." The old version fucking sucks. What up Angelica:

"Dog Disco" Seemed Like A Solid Show

2011-12-05T17:15:00.002-05:00

You know, I think I would have thrived in the 70s. If I managed to dodge racism, grow a 3x3 foot afro, and somehow work my way into ABBA, things would have gone pretty smoothly.

All you needed back then was the ability to dance, a consistent smile on your face, and a general indifference to getting fucked up. Granted, I don't know how extreme I'd get on the "fucked up" scale because they got after it in 70s, but I'd make sure that my party pants were on--namely bell-bottoms because those were fantastic. Times were simpler, people were chiller, and DOGS were DANCING with each other on mid-morning television. I'm not trying to nitpick, but I would have liked to see more dance move variety than synchronized tailwagging and the two paw up-down. Then again, that's probably what was hot in the dog-dance community back in the 70s.

Pretty sure people weren't teaching each other how to Dougie in the Boom-Boom Room back in '76.

This Video Set Hanukkah Back Hundreds Of Years

2011-12-03T14:39:00.000-05:00

Not an ounce of Jewish in me, but I'm offended. The Hasidic coalition should pull Al Sharpton from whatever rock he's under and let him get shit started. Dude's just itching to be offended by something.

Pretty sure someone on the Grammy committee saw this and that's why "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" didn't get an Album of the Year nod.

Facebook Friday #1

2011-12-02T15:36:00.003-05:00

This is a new thing that I’m going to try in an effort to give Friday some pizzazz and readers a chance to interact more with the blog. While I’ve relied on crutches such as the Working Man’s Diary email account (workingmansdiary@gmail.com) and my Twitter (@WMsDiary), I’ve decided to attack from a different angle. Just blast out a desperate, “Got a blog for me” question on the creepbook and wait for the masses to hit me back with stuff for me to talk about. I got so many good, random, and ridiculous responses that I decided to use them all as a show of goodwill. In this case, the “masses” consisted of 7 people. We’ll hopefully see that number increase as time goes on. Here we go.

1) Cuteoverload.com: It is what it is. Made me happy and itchy at the same time. Plus this chick definitely has a rat chillin’ on her shoulder.

Someone should help her out. Thanks Spellgirl.

2) The idea of living in the past: If I wanted this blog to become a cry for help and have zero readers, I’d talk about my high school sports glory days the entire time. Some would say my number 1, 2, and 3 favorite subjects to talk about are myself, my achievements, and how cool I am. Fortunately for you guys, I want this blog to be successful and will refrain from digging too deep into that stuff. Long story short: I’m black, really fast, can jump pretty high, can’t swim, can’t shoot that well from beyond the 3 point arc, moderately decent tackler in football, and a surprising archer. That’s my athletic prowess in a nutshell. Thanks JD & JR

3) The Chinese Government Puts Homeless People in Cages: By far the most ridiculous submission I received. Can’t even confirm if it's true or not. No link was provided, but it’s too hilarious/sad not to dig into. Plus I think it’d be way funnier if it was a completely made up idea submitted just to see what I’d say about it. Because I have a LOT to say about it, but unfortunately that’s another blog altogether. If you’ve consistently read WMD, you’re aware of my irrational, but completely rational disdain of the homeless. They’re the closest thing to zombies we got and if “The Walking Dead” is any indication, zombies are kind of wack. If a zombie cock-blocked me from hooking up with girl in post-apocalyptic CVS, I’d be so pissed. Thanks BB

UPDATE: Here's the link. This shit actually went down.

4) Mark Sanchez Playing In a Bathtub: Fuck you Pears.

5) Pedobear investigation: Saw this on some other blogs, but this is really weird from just about every level. I may be getting old, but I have no idea what Pedobear is. A pedophiliac bear? Frankly, I wouldn’t be that upset if I heard about a pedophile bear rolling around as opposed to a regular bear that kills people. Sure I’ll be traumatized and a tad sore, but I’ll be alive. Dude creates a hilariously creepy animated creature and the FBI’s after him? The times we live in. Thanks MD

6) Man arrested in lab claims to be from future: Props to BL for finding me the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile. I can’t do it justice because this is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read, but I’ll try to summarize it as such: A dude ( in what I presume was a FILA jumpsuit) was found inside a large particle accelerator. He claimed that he went back in time to stop the distribution process of Mountain Dew to vending machines because the lab used the cans in their experiments. He also sabotaged the acceleration process by dropping a baguette into the machine months earlier. Then this quote came: “Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.” What?!

Thanks everyone. Same time next week?

Huffington Post's "7 Ways To Stay Happy This Winter" Is So Offensively Wrong It Makes My Head Hurt

2011-12-01T22:08:00.004-05:00

^literally have all of these symptoms for like 10 months of the year

So I'm balls deep in Seasonal Affective Disorder right now and don't hesitate to click random articles that claim they can beat "The Winter Blues." They're mostly general, but sometimes they drop some decently helpful gems to prevent me from writing DARK blogs about killing myself. I don't know how, but this article has set me back in my quest to beat SAD by about 15 years. Let's take a look at some of these methods:

1) "Check your vitamin levels"--If you gave me every possible resource in the world and like 8 vitamin-level specialists, I guarantee you I won't be able to find out my vitamin level. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, so I think I'm doing alright. Insane request.

2) "Take a long walk"--While walking aimlessly through subzero temperatures truly sounds like a blast, I'm going to have to pass. Too many video games to play, blogs to write, TV to watch, and naps to take. There's just no room for walking.

3) "Don't fight the crowds--Shop smart"--Though I'm on the outside looking in, Black Friday is kind of awesome. Has a real apocalyptic feel to it. So in the event that I did actually shop, it'd be in the warzone with all the other lunatics. Brass knuckles and molotav cocktails.

4) "Eat brain-healthy foods"--Da fuck is a brain-healthy food? Please God tell me somewhere within the Pizza, Burgers, Burritos, Quesadillas, Subs, and Gummy Bears spectrum of my diet there is a hint of brain-juice in there.

5) "Volunteer"--I don't think I even need to get into this one. Let's put it like this, anytime I've volunteered for something, I feel that distinct fear a person gets when they know they've done something wrong. Shouldn't be going through fight or flight when I'm tending the soup kitchen.

6) "Snack Healthy"--Today I looked in the fridge and saw a sub that may or may not have been mine and thought, "I don't have a lot of information on this sandwich, but for some reason that's not stopping me from wanting to eat it." Then I eat it, wait an hour, and if I'm okay, it was a success. Snacking healthy like a fucking bawse.

7) "Pace yourself with drinking"--Pardon? You're telling me, Huffington Post, that wasn't a joke? Just looking me right in the eye and lying to my face. It's like I'm reading The Onion right now and can't tell right from left. When you end it by basically saying, "don't drink too much when it's the winter and just about everyone is depressed" you offend me, my blog, and everything I'm about.

There you have it. Goes to show that if you're alive, have like 3 working fingers, no brain, and a keen sense of not having any idea what society is thinking, a job in the Huffington Post "healthy living" section is the right place for you.

Hanson's Beer Making Venture Is The Biggest Cry For Help Of All Time

2011-12-01T21:21:00.003-05:00

Soak it in guys. A band that hasn't been close to relevant since 1999(?) is staging a comeback in an industry that is so far astray from what made them famous. One-hit wonder girlishly frail pop group Hanson is making some motherfucking beer.

First off, Taylor Hanson is not a girl. Secondly, could they have come up with a better name than "MmmmHop"? Granted, no one would make a Hanson connection if the beer wasn't named that, but still. That's some childish shit right there. I can't foresee myself buying a round of MmmmHops without fully expecting a punch in the face. I wouldn't even retaliate because it should be applauded when a person checks someone for ordering a Hanson endorsed beer. That's like DMX coming through the hood selling pink mittens with anime butterflies on them. Or Ricky Martin selling power tools. Whatever. Despite all the hate I'm spitting, whenever "MMMBop" makes an appearance on my shuffle I kinda sorta let it play through the duration.

Let's Get High School Reunion Drunk Tonight

2011-12-01T10:25:00.002-05:00

I woke up, covered in sweat. My head pounding. I was laying in my bed, but I had no recollection of returning there. I had a vague sense that I had vomited recently, and the taste in my throat told me I may vomit again soon. A knock came on my door. A voice informed me we were leaving for my cousin’s house in ten minutes.

In a flurry of brushed teeth, running water, and dry heaves, I found myself dressed and downstairs in just under eight minutes. I climbed into the back seat for the two hour drive and popped in my headphones as soon as possible. The drive passed in a half-sleeping haze of Norah Jones and nausea.

We pulled into my cousin’s driveway. A pie was placed in my hands and I walked up towards the house. I saw relatives hugging and exchanging greetings, and all I could think is “This is really happening.”

The fact that I survived that day is a miracle. It was thanks mainly to a potent combination of a recliner, football, avoiding eye contact, and nursing several bottles of water. Talk to family members? Not a chance. Cranberry sauce? Fuck you. Recollections from the night before? Few.

Why, you may ask, was I in such a miserable state on this glorious day of feasting? Because the night before was Thanksgiving Eve, of course.

But this was no ordinary Thanksgiving Eve. Not for me and my fellow graduating class members of 2006. This was our 5-year high school reunion.

And with high school reunions comes a special sort of privilege. Or a responsibility, perhaps, depending on your perspective. This duty is to engage in revelry. To have a few more drinks than one normally might. And to use these drinks as an excuse to re-hash over stories that have been told time and time again and laugh at them anew.

And this privilege, some may say I took advantage of it. Abused it, even. Call it what you will, all I know is I was blacked out by 9 p.m. Between then and when I went to bed (around 2 a.m. I’ve surmised), a reign of terror ensued. A reign of embarrassment that encompassed all eras of my life: past, present, and future. A reign that I never fully expect to live down. At least, not until the ten year reunion.

As Thanksgiving morning crawled on, I found out, piece by piece, just exactly how much of an ass I made of myself the night before. I will spare you from my attempts to recount the actual events of the night. But at this point I have managed to narrow down some of my more questionable decisions.

In the span of a few short hours, I managed to:

*Come down with the title of second drunkest alum at the reunion (there was some stiff competition for the crown)

*Slur my words in front of people I haven't seen in 5 years

*Flirt with unconsciousness while sitting on a barstool for at least a fifteen minute period

*Get a ride home from my friend's mom who I've known since high school…and subsequently make an ass of myself

*Pass out in my friend's basement

*Wake up, only to leave numerous highly regrettable voice mails

*Confuse my other friend's house for my own, and upon realizing it was not my house, start wrestling him in his garden, killing a handful of plants and waking up his entire family

*Stumble into my own house at some strange hour, waking up my two year old nephew staying in the room next to me

Years of good impressions and mild-manneredness down the drain. All that remains now is a picture of some stumbling drunk idiot. On the off chance that anyone that was at the reunion ends up reading this post…

Yikes. Sorry. Can we call that one a mulligan?

In the great words of Taco from season 2 of The League, "High school reunions are like office parties, except the next day, you don't have to see the other people at work. Trust me, mistakes will be made tonight..."

Words have never been truer.

Something Happened To Me During The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

2011-11-30T22:10:00.008-05:00

If you're not following me on Twitter (@WMsDiary) you're missing out because this fashion show sent me into a god damn tailspin.

I had no intention of watching because of the accessibility I have to any of these chicks with a quick Youtube search. Ohio State-Duke was on, I had a nice spot on the couch, and I couldn't find the remote. Things weren't looking good for the angels. Then I took a quick bathroom break and Ohio State was up like 200 points, so I figured I'd pop on this fashion show and see what all the fuss was about. Keep in mind, I never watched one before, so I didn't know what to expect. My mind was fucking blown to bits. Then someone found those bits and lit them on fire with magma.

This shit was the most cut-and-dry program I have ever seen on television. Literally everyone involved in production deserves a Nobel prize. As soon as I turned it on, it was a spectacle of lights, boobs, butts, and that song Jay-Z and Kanye are over playing. I'm still trying to get perspective on what actually happened. Here are some "notes" I took down while I tried to un-mush my brain:

-None of those chicks can speak proper English. Not even the American ones. I guess that's the one perk of having a hot daughter as a parent, you legit don't have to teach them ANYTHING and they'll end up successful.

-I started thinking about Adrian Lima and how many homeless people I'd kill before my conscience started weighing on me. 11 is the number.

-Kanye is going to have his pick of the fucking litter from these girls.

-Adam Levine, Jay-Z, and Orlando Bloom were killing the "I know I'm dating/married to an absolute dimepiece" look. Some real alpha shit that I'll never understand.

-"N****s In Paris" is going through Rigor Mortis. Sad to watch.

-As I was watching, I realized that despite what I think, I've never actually hooked up with a hot girl. I thought I did, but this shit slammed that door shut. On my hypothetical fingers.

-Nicki Minaj looked like a troll-gremlin out there next to the angels and she's really hot.

-When all the models and singers were on stage hugging with the confetti falling...I could have died right in the middle of that.

To summarize: I was consistently laughing when I'm pretty sure no funny jokes were made the entire show, I thought I was going to cry midway through when I accepted I'd never hook up with that caliber of a girl, and finally, I got mad at myself for tweeting so much. RANGE of emotions.

Follow that Twitta.

Friends Ask Dub: "Why Do Guys Shit On Other Guys When They're In The Beginning Process Of Dating A Girl?"

2011-11-30T20:34:00.002-05:00

A tradition as old as time itself. As a guy, it's in your genetic makeup to hate your closest male friends' romantic happiness. Doesn't matter how great the girl is or the improvements she made on your friend's life. As your closest confidants, it is our responsibility to make you feel absolutely terrible about the prospect of having a girlfriend and experiencing true, unrivaled joy.

I've been on both sides of the fence here. Been the shitter and the shittee. Actually scratch that, that's probably the grossest thing I've ever said. I'm one of those weak types that can dish it with the best of them, but can't take it well. Back in the day when I was wifed up, I took a beating. Some of the most elaborate, well-conceived disses were thrown my way whenever I considered sleeping over at my girlfriend's. Mental tears like crazy. On the other side, whenever my friend goes to visit his girl, I make sure to thoroughly berate him before he gets on the road for the weekend. No "have a safe ride" or "tell her I said hi", just borderline hatred. It's because we're too fucking cool to admit to losing our wing man. Literally the gayest part of heterosexual male friendship is the fact that we can't deal with losing the friend to a chick. Because face it, our jokes can't compete with her sex. We turn to cheap middle school tactics of mental destruction to get you to avoid turning to the "dark" side. Ridiculous on all counts.

Short answer: we're assholes.

Can A Brotha Get Some Leaf Raking Hands?

2011-11-29T21:41:00.003-05:00

I'll tell you what's never been on my radar: leaves. Never cared about them, never tended to them, and was never really bothered by them. A pure non-factor feature of my life. Saying that everything has completely changed would be a DRASTIC understatement.

If I'm not out in the fake-mini yard in front of my house double scooping leaves with my rake hands, I may straight up become depressed. There are obviously some glaring issues like, "how do you put the leaves into the garbage bag?" and "how much of an asshole will I look like in these?", but once you got rake hands none of that matters. Life moves a little bit slower, the flowers smell a little bit better and each morning is a little bit brighter.

I'd be like the Edward Scissorhands of leaf raking. I'm completely aware that I'd be on the Neighborhood Watch list, but sometimes it's like they say, "You have to pay the cost to be the boss."