Kim Kardashian's Heels Are Fighting For Dear Life

This is like when George Clooney was on the boat in "A Perfect Storm" and he knew that he was going to die.  Just leaving it all on the line for the betterment of heels everywhere.  No reason for them to be in that situation, but they were and they fought until they died.

Fucking Kim, though.  What are you doing?  Your feet/cankles did not want to go through with this, but you had to make them.  Now everyone's dead.  Look what you've done!

Guys, Should I Adopt My Girlfriend's New Dog? His Name's Tito If That Helps

My girlfriend's family recently acquired a new member and after like 2 months, they are indifferent to him.  I don't get why.  He's cute, right?  He's obviously a pug and clearly has the requisite hate-my-life pug face that all of us find incredibly adorable.  Well, here's the problem.  He's old, he's blind and his eyes get green gunk balls in them.  All of that goes hand and hand really, but I think these "deficiencies" make him the perfect dog for me.  I work, I blog, but I love and I love hard.  What better dog to dote all of my love on than a tiny pug that doesn't require much attention, can't see anything and generally wants to do nothing all day?

Here's Tito in a nutshell:

                                                     

Prancin' around like a fuckin' boss for 3 1/2 minutes before getting impossibly exhausted.

Too exhausted to make it to his bed.  Just plopped on the ground doing his best burrito impression.

An hour later, he made it to bed and looks all sorts of shitfaced.

But he keeps it classy and licks his entire face before bed.

Mission accomplished.

And that's it.  That's me having "responsibility."  If I can make sure this dog has 4-5 minutes of exercise a day and can successfully guide his blind ass to bed, I'm a good owner.  Do I have to agree to this?  I think I do.

CougarLife.Com Billboard Ads Coming In Crazy Hot

The second ad is hilarious.  If I had to drive by that thing every day, I'd laugh every single time for like two months.  First ad is absolutely disgusting.  An unexpected titty can send a car veering into a palm tree very fast.  Add in a child breastfeeding and it can become vomit city even faster.  Either way, Cougarlife is on the radar.  

So here's Miss Cougarlife.com:

She scares me for a number of reasons.

1)  She can be anywhere between 29 and 52 years old.

2)  That body will rip a 401K right out of your wallet.

3)  She participated and won "Miss Cougarlife.com"

All significant red flags that would make me concerned if this was the absolute pinnacle of the site.  I'm obviously going to investigate further with significant research and experimental cases, but from the outside, this is a very worrisome site.

Christopher Walken's Pants Though

Rockin' the elastic sweat/dress pants hybrid like he's at a funeral but can sit on a reclining chair at any given moment.  Next level, grandpa 4.0 shit right here.  If this was my party, I would have felt an eerie combination of offended, disgusted, impressed, nervous and terrified.  Walken's world, we're just living in it.

Watched Hockey For The First Time Ever Tonight And It Was Pretty Legit

Honestly, I can't tell you what the fuck I just watched, but it was a pretty good time.  Saw people freaking out on Twitter talking about a hockey game and then the struggle began.  The struggle I'm discussing is the struggle to find out what channel this game was on.  Never before was I thrust into a situation where I had to "find" where a hockey game was on TV.  Once that crisis was averted, I put on my pink hat and dove right in.  Straight up a fan for like 6 minutes and 38 seconds.  Probably will never watch another game again, but dammit I'd be lying if I said that was a fun experience.  I will watch a Game 7 of any sport that ends in sudden death.  Dudes just putting their hearts on the line to move on to the next round and live to fight another day.

I may have been too athletic, rhythmic and terrified of cold to play ice hockey, but I built some respect for those dudes on the ice tonight.  Boston Strong, indeed.

All The Remaining Bald Eagles On Earth Hanging Out In a Pickup Truck

If there were only 25 super-athletic, handsome, hilarious black bloggers on Earth, I probably wouldn't want to hang out with all of them in the same place.  Can't afford to have us all wiped out in an instant.  That's clearly not what these bald eagles were thinking.  Just YOLOing all over the place getting blacked out drunk on eagle alcohol and fornicating all over the place.

Can we point out that zero police appeared in a video titled "Police Break up Eagle Party..."?  As wrong as a title can be.  I can't blame the Alaskan police force though - no chance that you keep your eyeballs if you're one of the first 4 cops to dive in there.  These assholes were way too drunk and way too amped to reproduced with each other.

Jay-Z Is A Hip Hop Mogul, Time Traveler And Possibly A Vampire

Two things we know for certain: 1) this picture was taken in 1933.  2) that is 120% Shawn Carter.  White People are catching a lot of flack on the internet today for agreeing with my sentiment, getting called racist based on the "all black people look alike" premise.  Well white people, Dub J absolves you because we just broke the time-space continuum, bitches.

Now that we know Jay-Z was once chillin' on a stoop in 1933, we have to assume he was around for some other things too.  Probably was in the delivery room doing the *Birdman hand rub* when Beyonce was born.  At the very least it's a safe bet to say that Jay thwarted the Cuban Missile crisis for obvious reasons.  With this said, why did he allow himself to get photographed 80 years ago to give himself up like that?  Admittedly it's a power play to reveal that you have time traveling capabilities, but I'd keep that shit under wraps. 

"But Dub, vampires can't sit on a stoop in the sunlight"

Shut up, don't you think I know that.  Haven't you seen Blade 1 - Trinity?  If young/old Hov hasn't broken all of the laws of physics, he is definitely a daywalker and I'm cool with that.  Pretty par for the course when you're in the Illuminati.

PS.  I think Kanye pissed the wrong person on the Illuminati Board of Directors off:

If You Weren't Aware Of Testicular Cancer, Senhor Testiculo Is Here To Teach

Don't know about you fellas, but I just investigated the hell out of my balls.  Had to do the annual check to make sure they didn't have googly eyes and a faceless Hispanic woman next to them before I was completely sure that I was okay this year.

If the goal was to terrorize the male population of Brazil, mission accomplished.  While I'm sure most people don't understand why a set of nuts with chubby cheeks is preaching anything, I believe that the point is well taken here.  You don't need a bigger "check your testicles" reminder than a giant set of testicles with Aspergers Syndrome.  I know it doesn't say that he has Aspergers, but Mr. Testicle most certainly does.  Props to this woman for deeming this picture too embarrassing to have her face revealed.  You don't want to forever be linked to Senhor Testiculo.

I may be accused of a lot of things here on WMD, but neglecting testicular health will never be one of them.  Awareness.

You Wouldn't Believe Tiger Woods Was Drunk If I Told You

Stage 1: Panic

Tiger is worried that he looks visibly drunk

Stage 2: Irrational Confidence

Tiger thinks he's fine, but he's actually really drunk and everyone knows it

Stage 3: Creeper

We officially lost him.  He's gone straight primal on us and this is just special to watch at this point.

 Stage 4: Get Home

In a time honored tradition unlike any other, it's the struggle to get home.  You have one goal: get to bed.  You have an alternative goal of buying pizza, falling asleep before you finish it and throwing up in your sleep. Do your thing, Tiger.

Anyone who's had a few whiskey-based beverages has been in this exact spot.  You get drunk, deny that you're drunk and "only had __ drinks", lose yourself, bother people, fight the good fight to get home and half eat something.  We've all been there.  Even the stars do too.

Dude Steals $500 From Three Year Old In Liquor Store Because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

God dammit, Bronx.  Can't go like 30 seconds without hearing a weird, fucked up story out of you.  Just as bad as things can get from just about every angle.  Why is the kid in the liquor store?  Why is the mom casually carrying $500?  How did the 3 year old kid easily steal $500 from his mother?  Why did this dude steal the money from the 3 year old?  Actually, the answer to that is "because it was easy", but still.  Nothing sacred in this world anymore.  Little man just wanted to buy a Playstation and some gummy worms.  (S)haking (M)y (H)ead.