Wednesday, July 1, 2015

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We really need to come up with a name.  Suggestions?

Table of Contents:

-high functioning alcoholism

-stealing shit from work

-4th of July plans

-moving is the worst

-SCOTUS decision

-Facebook is terrible. It's all terrible

-NBA stuff for awhile (girls should stop listening for roughly 15 minutes)

-Luke Ridnour got traded 1000 times in 3 days

-An ode to Four Loko

Thursday, June 25, 2015

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Random inexplicable break at around the 37:30 mark.  All you missed is us saying some borderline inappropriate things about the idea of marriage.  No biggie.

Table of Contents:

1) What has happened since the WMD Podcast of 2012?

2) NBA Draft (girls, stop listening here or keep listening. I don't care)

3) Sports Science is stupid

4) What do NFL writers talk about in the offseason?

5) Antonio Cromartie vs. Kellen Winslow

6) Diddy beat up a guy with a kettlebell

7) NBA again (talk some stuff about Euro basketball)

8) Would you play sports overseas?

9) Podcast freezes right when I call Sean racist

10) Wedding Season


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

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Batten down the hatches, Japan is about to get loose this weekend.  Like, people might die. Seriously. After nearly 7 decades of not dancing, I'm pretty worried about how this is all going to turn out.  Limbs flailing, dudes pulling off moves that can be deemed as "downright dangerous", and assorted other catastrophes are all on the menu at the clubs this weekend.  Most of all, I'm worried about dudes that have been waiting for their time to shine after watching dances like the "Soulja Boy", "Lean Wit' It Rock Wit' It", "Dougie", "Nae Nae", and now the "Whip."  I can only imagine that going out on the dance floor blind with nothing but hopes, dreams, and fond memories of black people dancing awesome will only cause injury.

But yo, Japan is going to be LIT.  Keep an eye out for tons of pregnancies and deaths derived from lost dance battles this upcoming weekend.

Playstations and dancing?  Welcome back to the world superpower club, Japan.

Unrelated, but related:

Friday, June 19, 2015

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There are #SquadGoals and then there is sitting in a large simulation ramen bowl with the fam, extended fam, some neighbors, and few random people you found on the street.  The idea and overall concept of family bonding just got flipped on its head and I'm most certainly not missing out on this shit.

A top 5 mistake of my life was missing the boat on the selfie-stick craze.  Now I'm just some mark ass nerd that has to extend his arm an insurmountable distance to take a picture of himself.  Not again. I'm jumping on this ramen hot tub party idea before it's hot in the U.S. so I can get respected as a tastemaker again.

Have to respect Japan, though.  They come up with a shit ton of ideas, don't really vet them at all, and just see what sticks.  Like the red burger from Burger King for example:

This is a TERRIBLE fucking idea.  But you know what?  They went for it.  You know how dating advice columns always talk about how confidence is endearing and one of the best qualities a person can have?  Same goes for ideas.  Ipso facto, I now want to date and, one day, marry this burger because it was such a bold, irrational decision. 

Know what else was a terrible idea that somehow worked out? 

A tiny plumber ate a glowing star and violently murdered a couple of arm-less humanoids and poorly constructed "turtles" for no reason at all.  Nintendo is now worth ~18.4 billion dollars.

"Shooters gotta shoot, yo" - Japan

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

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I kind of pushed this one to the back of my mind since I've become an adult and the overall trash-ness of adulthood has managed to destroy some of my most prized childhood memories - like eating random food off the ground in video games.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Ground Pizza

Look at them.  They're perplexed as hell, but will ultimately decide that eating that ground pizza is a fantastic idea.  Plus Leonardo is injured.  He'll quite literally die if he doesn't eat from that generic pizza box on the ground of a construction site rooftop.  Their hands were tied.

Streets of Rage: Ground Turkey/Cupcake

First off, if these things are drawn to scale, that's either the biggest cupcake ever or the smallest, most disease-riddled turkey of all time.  Either way, something isn't adding up.  But, ya know, when the Streets are "Of Rage", beggars can't really be choosers.  If you got beaten over the head a few times by a random henchman with a lead pipe, ground turkey (WHERE DID THE PLATE COME FROM THOUGH) is likely your best option.

Crash Bandicoot: Ground Fruit (with no fruit tree in god damn sight)

I might let this one slide because Crash was a fucking savage, but yo, look around.  None of those trees are bearing sparkly fruits.  The homie Crash is running like that shit is the antidote or something.  Nah bruh, just another piece of ground food that inexplicably provides you with health or super powers in video games.

Super Mario Brothers: Ground Mushrooms

Speaking of super powers, much of Super Mario Bros. was spent chasing around smiling mobile mushroom in order to more than double in size.  Why did this happen?  No one cared to ask.  We were just like, "Oh, word?  None of that makes sense." and kept it moving like dumb little children.  Our parents definitely hated us.

Moral of the story: video games pointedly taught us to eat shit off the floor to gain strength, health, and supernatural powers and no one thought that was weird.  I urge you to think back to a time that a pizza fell on the floor and it made you excited because you thought eating it would improve your overall health profile.  Adulthood.  Trash for a myriad of reasons.


Has nothing to do with ground food, but remember when you attacked a chicken in Legend of Zelda and after awhile it'd tell its chicken crew to come through and fuck you up?  That was great.

Monday, June 1, 2015

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*hits blunt*

"But what about, like, a magnifying glass for your eyes"

We made it!  It's crazy how we, as humans, physically reached the Lord's year two thousand fifteen without a means to see objects clearer and at a distance.  You'd think we'd all end up accidentally walking into the traffic or crashing our cars into walls because of our complete inability to see anything.  Not anymore.  This is the future now.  Gone are the days of connecting large, uncomfortable magnifying glasses to your head via lever-pulley system.  Big Vision is here to ensure that you don't look ridiculous for once in your life.  And, in the event that you find yourself in the dark, they even blessed us with a clip-on LED light.  What a time to be alive.  Not only are we able to enlarge objects and make everyday tasks easier to do, but we are also able to do these tasks with a light on our head like we're foraging mines for gold in 1849.

Shoot your shot, Buy Big Vision.  Shoot your god damn shot, you slimy bastards.

Monday, May 4, 2015

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Look at him!  Despite his wife and the mother of his child looking like a 20 out of 10, Mr. Carter looks wild displeased about everything around him.  

Fellas.  We know EXACTLY what happened here.  Jay was in his tux, had his bow-tie tied around 7pm, and Beyonce decides to step into the bathroom to get ready at 7:30.  Don't worry, she says that she'll only be 45 minutes max.  Jay doesn't believe her, but whatever, he signed up for this.  Those "45" minutes turn into 3 hours, Jay's tux is wrinkled as fuck, but at least he has time to watch most of the basketball game on TV.  But wait!  Beyonce is magically ready with 4 minutes left in the game and she's yelling at Jay that they have to leave "right now."  Jay tries to explain that there are only a few minutes left and that he was ready 3 hours ago, but then he just gives up and sulks into the limo.  Beyonce doesn't notice or care.  He accepts that his tux will be wrinkled and that zero people will be looking at him anyway.  Scene.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is marriage in a nutshell.  Someone is always just a little bit upset at the other person and that person doesn't really give a shit.  As long as that's understood and balanced, everyone will live happily ever after.

Or not.  

Thursday, April 30, 2015

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I'm inches away from buying a selfie-stick.  Once again, I have succumbed to societal pressures, but, most importantly, I feel like I'm denying the world my flame emoji level selfies.  I have facial expressions to make and "likes" to acquire on Instagram.

With that said, you just have to own it.  Once you cross the line into "no one's trying to take a picture with me, but none of them matter anyway because my mama told me I'm handsome" territory, there's no point in hiding it with an old, dead looking white mannequin hand.  A selfie stick is more or less a statement that you're going at life alone, with no one to account for but yourself.  No need to create a false reality where you're carting around a dead person to validate yourself on social media.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

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It was all supposed to be all fun and games.  I was supposed to download this silly Chinese app, toss my picture in there, and have a few lighthearted and good-natured laughs.  As you can imagine, that didn't happen.

Yeah, sure.  Whatever you say, language I don't understand.  Usher me into an abyss of self-consciousness and facial-image issues with your whimsical aura of sunlight and vegetation with no sense of remorse.

Let me upload some pictures and see how realistic this can get.  I mean, what are the odds that these things can even capture my face and likeness, right?

Oh sweet Jesus no.  What flimsy-wristed, nut-hugger jean-wearing creature have I created?  How swaggerless is this cat?  Like, I might get beat up by association with this dude.  Let's try again...

Apparently the side profile view does not change my apparel.  This is bad.  This is very bad.  On the bright side, my teeth are so white they believe that #AllLivesMatter.  One more try...

FUCK.  If this creation could talk, it would beg for me to kill it.  I know it's an avatar I just created 5 minutes ago, but this dude just wants to die.  Came into the world, saw it's existence, and wanted nothing to do with life anymore.  

Initially, I blamed the app.  Like, why is this overseas-based web application trying to play me like this?  But then I realized that the key problem was the variable aka the person taking the picture aka me.  I'm the problem.  Guess I have to flee the country, change faces, and reappear to try this shit again at a later date like Nic Cage in 'Face Off' ™.  

The app portraying me without a penis all three times hurts the most.

Monday, April 13, 2015

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The second I found out that we had black people emojis, I tried to alert as many people as possible. Also, it finally allowed me to recognize Obama's presidency as an actual "thing."  So you can imagine my shock, sadness, and confusion when everyone responded back to me with "huh?" and "what?"

To my dismay, we did not, in fact, make it.  Contrarily, it revealed that Apple kind of thinks of black people as white aliens.  Not jumping to conclusions, just pointing out facts.  Similar to Jelly Belly jelly bean mathematics, according to the iPhone emoji system, a black emoji with a dark caesar haircut = one white dude with a regular cut + an alien.  

Ipso facto, Steve Jobs always thought black people were just white aliens.  Dude was truly a visionary.  Probably explains that extra muscle in our legs, y'all.  Glad we cleared all that up.