Hey Frog, You Cold?

If there was a picture that can define Winter 2014, this would be it.  Cold, desolate and hopeless.  And here's Exhibit A.  Plain and simple, that's a frog that has given up.  He had the option to go find shelter in the rocks, but just said, "Nah, I'm good."  

Actually, now that I think about it, this frog's a cocky bastard.  Don't act like he's not out there with frozen eyeballs just waiting for someone to take a picture.  I know your game, frog.  "Oh, I temporarily died for 4 months, but I posed like this before I fake died so I can stunt on all of y'all" blah, blah, blah.  You're no different than a "fitness model" on Instagram.  Winter needs to end so I can drink fruity, gender-conflicting margaritas and for frogs to stop being assholes. 

Arguably The Most Disappointing Alligator Of The Last 1000 Years

Hey Alligator,

Get your shit together. 

Sincerely,

The Mesozoic Era

Yikes.  Not a good day for alligators.  Not a good day at all.  16 seed defeated a 1 seed.  Once word gets out that one of them got absolutely brutalized by an otter, respect/fear is going to plummet.  Alligator wrestlers everywhere will be out of jobs, people won't think twice about hitting golf balls out of the swamp and, most of all, otters are officially terrifying.

Seriously.  Otters might have gotten bold all of a sudden.  What struck that otter to say, "Yeah, I can fuck this alligator all the way up"?  That's the question we need to dive into because humans aren't too far off on the "improbable animals otters didn't think they could fuck up, but suddenly can" list.  I'm not trying to get otter-mugged in a dark alley any time soon.  Be on the look out, people.

Sell all alligator stock and buy all otter stock.  Market lesson of the day.

@WMsDiary

The Nose Typing Gawd Is At It Again

How do you discover this talent?  Must have crushed a Five Guys burger and milkshake, stared at his Outlook inbox, passed out on his keyboard and woke up to realize that he was a superstar.  You don't choose nose typing - you "itis", pass out and nose typing chooses you.

Love all the people looking at him, too.  Like, "Oh shit, Khurshid's about to bless us with some nose typing up in this bitch."  Hey guys, I get it.  The office gets REAL mundane at times and this is the perfect thing to shake stuff up.  Hell, I've convinced myself that the characters I've created with paper clips over the years can get their own half-hour HBO show.  We all lose it, but sometimes that can be the best thing that ever happened to us.

Gorillas Are Having An Awesome 2014

Japan is keeping it VERY light in preparation of every animal escaping the zoo.  Throw one of your boys in a super-childish Gorilla costume, let him run around until he get tired, and then poke him with a stick.  Perfect testing strategy.  If the "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" characters followed this strategy, that movie would be over in like 10 minutes.

More importantly for gorillas, Mack Spellman released an album today named after the king of all gorillas.  From the looks of this album cover:

It may tackle some heavy issues.  All albums with silhouettes and orange sunsets do, idiots.  Give him a listen and buy his album (you can pay as little as $0 or as much as 100 Bitcoins) because he's my meal ticket once he makes it big.  I'll be a citizen of Mooch City and the pied piper of maxing out credit cards that aren't mine.  So please, help him because you also help me and I NEED this.  Here's the video for the album titled: "Kong":

(That really dark, super handsome, and very drunk guy at the 0:21 mark may or may not be me)

They Made A "Drunk In Love" Video With Just Emojis And It's Awesome

Careful, ladies.  If you watch this video you may "literally die" or "can't even deal" at an alarming rate.  I know that combining Beyonce with a flagrant use of emojis may, quite realistically, cause some chaos for your gender population.  

With that being said, "Drunk In Love" is a track.  Jam city, population: Me and 3.5 billion chicks.  Not the first time I've posted on it and it certainly won't be the last.  Now that that's out of the way, emojis are also the jam right now.  Fuck if I know how to use them, but if I get an opportunity to post that smiling poop face, it's a good day.

Enjoy.  Don't get into car accidents, miss your stop on trains, fall into open manholes, walk into oncoming traffic, or say "I die.  Like, literally, I died" please.

I Know, Bro. I Know

We've all been there, kid.  Sometimes you flip to a page of the SI Swimsuit issue and see what could possibly be a nipple and BAM, you're blown back in your chair.  You can be a 26 year old blogger, a baby, even a girl and this is the same reaction that you'd get.  Kid didn't even make it to upside down Kate Upton yet.

On a serious note, did this kid just hit puberty before our eyes?  Kind of a special photo from a physiological standpoint, yanno?

FWIW: My rank of the front cover is: Left, Right, Middle.

How Would You React If You Saw A Black Bear On Your Porch Reflecting On Its Life?

"Am I a bear or am I society's characterization of what a bear should be?"

Yikes, bears have officially become too self-aware to the point where they are becoming systemically depressed.  At first I thought they were on their way to becoming "Planet of the Apes" smart, but now it seems like they have turned a disastrous corner.

It all started with this happy ass bear:

Waving and shit.  Returning people's greetings.  That was when I first got worried.  It was clearly evident that they were trying to butter us up at this point.  Lower our defenses and strike.

Then they somehow developed opposable thumbs, complex thought and potentially learned how to drive cars.  This was what we in the business like to call "Code: Awwww Shit."

Nope.  They just ended up depressed.  With great intellectual capabilities comes great responsibility.  Just pop in some Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne and Papa Roach and everything will be ok, Bear.  

You Pick: What Was The Worst Thing To Happen This Week?

1) Taco Bell released a Waffle Taco breakfast sandwich thing

Seeing that this exists is like a mouse seeing cheese in a trap.  It wants the cheese, but recognizes the fact that he will likely die if he eats it.  That's me right now.  I know those can't possibly be chicken eggs in there.  In fact, it's even harder to imagine what eggs those can possibly be.  Probably an animal that can't anatomically lay eggs.  And guess what?  I still really, really want to eat this thing because I have SIGNIFICANT food related problems.

Verdict: my mind's telling me no, but my body, my body'ssssss telling me y...fuck no.  This is bad.  Real bad.

2) This haircut that's supposed to be the Jordan logo, but is actually a stick figure swinging a mallet while running

You know when the barber gives you the mirror so you can look at the sides of your head?  Yeah, I don't think that happened here.  What he did do was potentially ruined this poor kid's life for the foreseeable future.  Can't go into school with a bootleg Jordan logo on your head.  Social suicide.  But hey, the barber tried. 

He just fell in love with angles and did NOT fall in love with detail.  Happens to the best of us from time to time.  This kid, unfortunately, could get bullied out of school.  Nothing could ruin your elementary/middle school standing quite like a fucked up haircut.  Kid has to go bald or retire from school and become a street vagrant.  No other choice at this point.

Verdict: I feel for this kid.  I've had a fucked up haircut and turned it into a baldy.  Takes a big man and ultimately prevents you from being homeless.

So Close. So So Close.

Yeah, maybe a gross misspelling of a 3D globe-trotting ape wasn't exactly the answer here, but god dammit this woman took a shot.  Nothing worse than Final Jeopardy answers that are left blank.  Toss one up into the end zone.  Make a fool of yourself.  Become a blog post on WMD.

Sonic has GOT to be pissed, huh?  None of the Sega guys get any love out here.  I mean, Vectorman might be the least respected video game character of my generation:

I remember all of my friends were like "That game looks pretty cool, but Genesis?  Ew." Sonic was the only thing holding that system together and people can't even pull together a Final Jeopardy answer without pooping all over Sega's face.

On another completely different note, the mine level in Donkey Kong Country legitimately made me cry.  For like an hour.  I treated that level like an alcoholic treats booze.  I played because it hurt so good and it hurt so good because I played.  

Guys, Coconut Crabs Are A Thing

@WMsDiary

Remember back in the day when a raccoon would go into your trash can and that would be a minor inconvenience?  Those days are gone now and we have to start investigating ideas on how to exit Earth because coconut crabs have effectively taken over the planet.

This begs the question: what happened to the raccoons?  Were they pushed off their turf "The Wire" style?  Or, more likely, were they brutally eaten by these monster robot crabs?  Either way, the suburban trash can game belongs to the crabs now.  In fact, I think our houses belong to the crabs now.  These things basically went from non-existant to digging in our trash cans in the span of 24 hours.  Not good.

If they become one ounce more self-aware it's time to send an email to Lance Bass to find out if he has room in that spaceship he was meaning to fly out in 2005.  I'm sure the N'Sync money isn't flowing like I used to, so if we all pitch in a little bit we can get out of here.