Wednesday, July 23, 2014

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Can't peruse the internet anymore these days without stumbling on an article telling me that I'm going to die faster than white people.  At first I thought it was a joke, but then:

Well, damn.  Thwarted by "New Study" yet again.  Guess I have to work harder at having a more awesome day than Smeesh because I don't have as many left.  Life is straight up hitting me harder than him.  Looks like I have to perform a "newer" study to get the jump on the game.  It's like chess.  One race releases an age study, then you have to counteract that with an even newer study before anyone knows what happened.  At least that's how I think it works.  

Study time --> *consults Twitter* --> Posts results:

New study finds that female white child stars age much more rapidly than female black child stars.  Olson twins are out here looking like vacuum sealed bags while Tia and Tamera are looking like they are in the beginning stages of becoming proud, fat, black women.  See?  If you do a brief "experiment" with little to no tons of research, you can really prove any point that you want.

PS. Hey Newser, I saw the pic you guys used on your site:
Using "a black woman prays in church" even though everyone's first thought is that she's most certainly having a heart attack is a shrewd move.  A shrewd move indeed.  You out internet'd me today, but there will be other battles.
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So Roy Halladay has been retired for the better part of a year now and appears to be trying his hand at The Twitter. Upon some weird greenman/horse guy/thing playing bucket drums on the street ol' Doc thought he'd tweet about it. Harmless enough, right?

I think so at least. But some Reds fan saw it and just had to talk some shit on my Phils (as if we don't have it bad enough right now) because apparently the Reds are some powerhouse franchise that is universally acknowledged as great?

To which Roy promptly brandished his pimp hand

And that was that.

Friday, July 18, 2014

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h/t HuffPost (background story here)

Ok, so I can't write this blog without first giving the inventor of the Selfie Toaster his due. Because you know there's no chance in hell this is some hipster who wants to see his face on toast. No what we have here is a perfect example of a savvy businessman noticing yet another popular trend, making a stupid spin-off product, and cashing in. Boom, capitalism all over your face.

Now to the matter at hand. I've never been a selfie guy, I've probably been in a group selfie at some point but I can't say I've ever actually taken one. Maybe I'm just not trendy, maybe I'm ugly, maybe I just think they're the dumbest result of modern technology. Regardless, if you're the kind of person who thinks this is cool I don't want to know you. It's bad enough selfie was the Oxford Word of the Year in 2013 but now it's coming after our breakfast food? Get the hell off of my lawn, selfie. I've had it with your duck faces, your songs, and now I've had it with your fucking toast.

Now sing it with me...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

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"My Captain America is black, my Lambo is blue"

Look, I'm not a comic book guy.  I'm barely a book guy.  So while I have no horse in this race, I have to say that this is probably a terrible idea.  I'm not saying that because of the way it will be perceived within the media (even though white people HAVE to be fed up - first Thor's a chick and now this).  I'm saying that because of the black ass storylines that Cap is going to be involved in now.  He's going to get caught up in some real ignorant shit.  For example:

Monday, July 14, 2014

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Think this pup cares that it has a veer-right perma-penis on his back?  Nope.  As long as the neck rubs keep coming, nothing else in life really matters.

Tattoo a giant white penis on my back and life is effectively ruined.  No more pool, beach, or narcissistic flexing in the morning.  I'd have to rent a studio apartment in the back woods of Bumfuck, USA and become a recluse.  This dog just keeps on trucking, surviving purely off of the love of human contact. 

PS. We simply cannot discount the fact that this is an awesome penis.  

Thursday, July 10, 2014

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Snake it til you make it, sir.  Girls love private jets?  Just find your best "super casual" picture, delicately cut it out on Microsoft Paint and plop that sucker on a runway next to a private jet.  Done and done.  Oh, they need proof that you are actually ON the jet itself.  Pfft, they don't even know that you took an Adobe class in the 10th grade.

BAM!  Changed the game in all of these haters' faces.  "Don't think this jet is mine?  Well, jokes on you because here is me photoshopped ON a jet that you have to assume is the jet from the previous picture, bitches." 

Oh, what's that?  I can't hear you because I photoshopped myself onto a private jet:

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

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I ask you this, old people: Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant get these tweets off?  Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant set the bomb filter to this magical sunset?  Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant say stupid shit via text messages and try to make up for it by sending topically hilarious emojis?  No?  Well then, I rest my case.

With all that said, I hate millennials.  I hate the idea of millennials.  According to the timeline "definition" of millennial, I am one so essentially I hate myself.  As a well known hater, I find it an intriguing challenge to hate a category that I, myself, am included in, but I'll make it work.  We're entitled dicks that expect $200k salaries after 2 years of menial excel mashing, we mistreat each other to the n'th degree, and we've become so jaded socially that a majority of people need to resort to online dating to find a life partner.  It's crazy. Not knocking it at all, but it has absolutely become the norm based on how things are out there.  Hot chick with 5000 Instagram followers won't give a dude the time of day because she has "for bookings" in her profile.  That same dude will go on to random girls' profile and leave horrible comments about their appearance because he's all mad and shit.  People value themselves way too high/low for a variety of nonsensical reasons out here.  Time is a flat god damn circle.  

Listen, people older than us.  Don't focus on how we much we smell like shit and text too much.  Focus on how to set an awesome example for how people should act instead of standing on ivory towers pointing and laughing.  I know we're dicks, but frankly, we don't know how to be anything else, you enabling motherfuckers.
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Wouldn't call this the "ideal" scenario, huh?  

I'm no scientist, but it is a proven fact that any time a girl puts a "peace sign" emoji next to their father's name in their contacts, they are officially the property of the internet.  That means sexts, webcams, generic inspirational Instagram quotes, and ho-like tendencies are all in play here.  That also means that, at this present moment, this father is either dead or in jail.  I don't see any other option personally.  Either he killed somebody, got arrested trying to kill somebody, or jumped off the roof.  

But because you have to hear both sides, I'm here to offer young nyyy nyyy (and internet hoes everywhere) some crucial advice.  If a dude you're sending nudes to has "Da" in the first two letters of their name, you have to change his name to something else like "Xena Warrior Princess."  Can't risk Pops seeing you stick popsicles in various orifices.  He worked too hard to buy you Beanie Babies and shit.  

I  can promise you that I'm not not reviewing this extensively:

Monday, July 7, 2014

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You're telling me THIS guy went on a rant?  The guy with the bedazzled face mask had some crazy shit to say?  Color me shocked.

Listen, I get it.  Sometimes you need to toss on a mask, offend nearly everyone in attendance, and alienate yourself from one of your target demographics.  It happens.  As always, you could have done this a little better.  Like, there were some very valid points about media perception and diluting creativity sprinkled in the batshit here.  

At this point, Kanye is basically the kid that plays with Legos for an hour, makes something genuinely awesome, and demands that people acknowledge how awesome it is every hour on the hour or else he will die.  

(Jokes aside, this is currently the Halloween costume front-runner)

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

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You know what?  It happens.  You see a spider, toss a shoe at it from 15 feet away, convince yourself you killed it even though there is absolutely zero evidence that it's dead and then you feel like something is crawling on you for the rest of the night.  It's a story as old as time itself.  Instead of dealing with uncertainty and living in constant fear, this lady was proactive and started over.  Yeah, maybe she didn't fully pay the mortgage and this whole sequence may be classified as a "terrible financial situation", but hey, no more spider, right?  

Seriously though, I completely agree with this move.  Can't live your life worried that a vengeful spider is going to lay tons of eggs on your tongue.  Just dip into that 401k and focus on making sure that shoe toss counts next time.