Monday, September 15, 2014

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Great and horrible news.  Great because we all get to pretend that we're 11 again, horrible because our bodies simply won't be able to handle it and we're all going to die.  A real coin-flip situation.

Pro: Relive the days where your had sleepovers with friends and someone's parents bought a 24 pack of Surge, three pepperoni pizzas and you spent all night infiltrating lesbian AOL chat rooms to unknowingly talk to other dudes.

Con: Yellow #5.  Granted, the whole "Yellow 5 kills your sperm" thing turned out not to be true, but against all odds, I still believe Surge can kill your sperm.

Pro: Actually that "con" above is a pro.

Con: Fast track to diabetes.  Since I am already resigning to the fact that I'm going to become morbidly obese at some point relatively soon, we might as well expedite the process.  If I have surgically removed feet, I don't have to walk anywhere.

Pro: This .gif that makes so little sense that it actually makes all of the sense:

Con: It honestly never tasted that good.  When you're a citrus flavored drink, you're kind of in purgatory from a taste standpoint.  You're not orange, grapefruit, or tangerine and live life with no identity.  Can't have a soda with no identity in 2014.

Your move, Pepsi Blue.

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Bags of sand, bro.  Bags of sand.

Welp, no going back from here, folks.  Yes, I realize it's Monday and we just went THERE, but I think this was important viewing for a number of reasons:

1)  Japan has left us in the Stone Age as far as weird sex shit goes.  I'm kind of upset about that from a patriotic standpoint.

2)  If (LOL, "if") this kid ever gets to the point in life where he touches real human breasts, I'm pretty sure he's going to be wildly confused/terrified if the girl is not in the arms-over-head position.

3)  How do you win this game?  Seriously, asking...for a friend.

4)  Did NOT like any of the sounds going on in this video one bit.  From the weird dubbed computer voice to the sound of the anime chick giggling, I feel like I need to go to church and take a shower.

5)  Have to give props to the Oculus business model, though.  The untapped market of repressed, introverted, and sexually frustrated teens and young twentysomethings is quite possibly a one trillion dollar industry.

Happy Monday!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

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So this is a real text exchange that I had with one of my buddies.  He randomly flew out to Miami and had an awesome weekend galavanting around and shit.  Naturally, I was hatin' from afar, but jealous to the point that I had to know every move that he was making.  That's when these texts happened.

Take a quick look at this picture:

Now imagine walking up to (presumably) unapproachable girls, tapping them on the shoulder, showing them that picture and then making a hand phone on your face.  Preposterous, right?  A move I'd deem as downright psychopathic.  But you know what?  There's a good chance that it worked.  From the perspective of the girls, they don't know what the fuck just happened.  This guy basically bought 14 acres of land in your psyche and you don't even know if the move was hilarious or not.  You don't even have time to be creeped out.  The game has officially been changed.  

Stop wearing nice clothes, buying drinks or wearing cologne.  No need to smell good when you can just mash people's minds into confusion. 

Monday, September 8, 2014

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ZOMG.  Guys.  I think I'm blacking out.

*realizes what happened and takes a deep breath*

Ok, I got my shit together and can speak coherently now.  YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*whoops, blacked out again*

So, back to the ducks.  Perhaps the intro wasn't exactly accurate to what we know and love, but ducks aren't capable of wearing monocles.  That's on us, guys.  Can't get an accurate Scrooge without duck monocles.  Huey, Louie and Dewey, on the other hand, killed it.  Those ducks were just waiting to get into some weird shit with their adorable little color-coded hats on.  Made me want to go to the pond and commit the unethical act of straight up stealing ducks.  Thankfully it didn't come to that, but there's always tomorrow because LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE HERE IN DUB WORLD.  Sorry.

Friday, September 5, 2014

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This is probably the worst thing to happen to Adam Silver since he took over as commissioner of the NBA.  Can't have the Louis Vuitton don out there looking disinterested as shit playing your sport. Maybe that crossover bounced off his heel out of bounds.  You know what?  It's your fault, Adam.  The basketballs aren't baller enough.  

Welp, looks like basketball is no longer cool anymore.  Guess I'm done with this shit until 'Ye comes back around and endorses it again.  Put some Swarovski diamonds and suicide doors on the sides of the backboard and then we'll talk.

PS.  We cannot overlook the fact that Kanye hit Captain Phillips with possibly the greatest crossover of ALL-TIME, though.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

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It takes a big man to accept when they are starting to become washed-up.  There is no scientific evidence behind this, but as soon as you hit age 26-27, shit just starts slowing down. 

Maybe it’s the noticeable decline in nightlife activity.  Perhaps Tuesday nights become less about happy hour beer specials and more about “But FOX has a tremendous and oft-overlooked Tuesday night lineup.”  Or, most likely, you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and the incentive to go out isn’t quite there anymore.  Whatever your reason may be, if you think that it’s happening, it’s probably happening.

1)      You fell asleep before 11 pm on a Friday/Saturday and didn’t feel bad about it

2)      Getting asked to go out for Thursday drinks suddenly becomes the most arduous riddle ever encountered.

3)      You hit up boozy brunch mainly for the brunch

4)      You are not positive, but there’s a chance that you are STILL hung-over from the 5 beers that you had on Sunday

5)      You have an encyclopedic knowledge of all new shows released on Netflix over the past 4 months

6)      You asked, “Can I please see the dessert menu?” on a Friday/Saturday night

7)      The mere prospect of playing full-court basketball is legitimately terrifying

8)      You hear a song you like, start dancing, convince yourself that there is gum on your shoe, see no gum and proceed to stop dancing.  Forever.

9)      The whole idea of hitting on people starts to seem stressful, expensive and tiresome

10)    You get drunk and read books

11)    The booty calls/texts are not flowing in quite like they used to

12)    You downloaded Snapchat four months ago but haven’t sent a snap yet.

13)    You leave the bar well before last call just so you can beat the cab rush

14)   You haven’t purchased a new Madden game since 2012 because “the only thing  that changes are the players”

15)   Your Friday night “turnt” attire is whatever you wore to work that day

16)   You haven’t shaved in a week because, honestly, what’s the point?

17)    The only songs you know the words to are the songs played on the radio

18)    Buying a bucket hat starts to seem like a good, practical idea

19)   You go to a party and utter under your breath:  “Who are these people?”

20)   You likely have a very severe injury that you never got diagnosed because going to the doctor is an insurmountable task at this stage in the game

21)   You toyed with the idea of going to a movie by yourself, but you haven’t done it yet

22)   Crate & Barrel, though

23)   You have to stretch before you even consider doing anything athletic.

24)   You have a food rewards card in your wallet that needs two more stamps for a free meal

25)   The only shot you can take without sneakily throwing up in your mouth is Fireball

26)   “Sleeping in” means waking up at 8am, laying in silence for 45 minutes and playing with your phone for an hour

27)   You opened an incognito tab on your Google Chrome browser and typed in: “Am I washed up?”

Friday, August 29, 2014

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Well, everything is different now.  All previous goals and aspirations have been tossed out the window.  If I'm not living as flawlessly as this capybara is living by Monday, life might as well be considered a failure.  

How this capybara got to this point, I don't know. I do know that I'm super jelz, though.  Dude had an itch under his nose and it was immediately attended to by three monkeys.  THREE.  I can barely get three people to do anything for me, let alone scratch my nose.  How much of a nerd am I that I decided to "work/make an honest living" instead of deciding to become a capybara?  My priorities are all sorts of fucked up right now.

I can't stress how wack it is that I have to scratch my own nose after seeing this picture.  

Thursday, August 28, 2014

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WHOOPS.  Turns out little Susie can't waltz into 1st grade rockin' Auschewitz couture this year.  If you told 6-year old me that I couldn't wear my yellow-star striped shirt into class because it's what the Nazis wore, I'd be SICK.  Cocky move by Zara, but you definitely have to feel for the kid in this scenario.

Imagine being six and an idiot and not knowing the historical significance of your first day of school outfit.  You had a plan in place to stunt all over your punk ass friends and then society had to crush it.
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This is perfect (by "perfect", I mean horrible, obviously).  The first thing I thought about after I parsed through all of the facts involved in Ferguson was "What does DJ Khaled have to say about this?"  Thankfully, I will get my answer along with the answers from roughly 28 other rappers. 

Is a 47 minute rap song about the wrongful shooting death of an unarmed teenager in poor taste?  Perhaps.  But what IF, in the shocker of all shockers, Tauheed '2Chainz Tity Boi' Epps drops such an eloquent introspective view on the matter that it puts Don Lemon in tears?  Not positive, but I'm pretty sure that would end racism.

Imagine you're King Pharoah or TGT.  Not too well-known, trying to rise the ranks of the rap world and THIS is your first track.  Can't get all lyrical and double-entendre'y when deep-seeded social issues are in play.  Rock and a hard place for those guys.  

Speaking of lyrical, let's watch Nick Cannon get ethered by someone that took "Wild'N Out" far too seriously:

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

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People need to chill, man.  Develop a hobby, get in shape, maybe start writing a blog to complain about menial shit. I don't know.  Just something other than ruining my childhood please.

Also, you can't throw up "Genie" lips like that without paying respect to the late great, Robin Williams.  So overt, so mean.

If you're going to do Popeye, you can't shortchange him on the forearms.  I mean, those are big, but not radioactive spinach (aka anabolic steroids) big, ya know?  Mad disrespectful.

Got Bugs Bunny out here looking like a velociraptor/animated Chris Bosh.  This girl keeps finding lines to cross, man.

I know this isn't racist, but given the current racial landscape in America, I'm going to go out on a limb and be offended by this.  2014 - still terrible!

Well this is a nightmare.  Literally and figuratively.  But you know what?  There is still some dude that will go for it after a few Bud Lights and a shot of whiskey.  Because we don't care.

This one is actually really impressive.  I still hate you, random girl, but you can fux around with some stencils in the mirror better than most.  

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