Wednesday, May 18, 2016

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We've all been there.  You've ordered food at the food spot, got asked if you want a drink, said "nope, but can I have a water cup?", and the attendant pulls out some weak ass miniature cup from a hidden area by the counter.  Now whether you got the water cup because you're a brokeboi, health conscious, or monitoring your carbon footprint is another story - what you do WITH the cup itself is where magic happens.

And by "magic", I mean "realness."  Once you get the water cup, you're literally handed the keys to the wonderful kingdom of fountain beverages.  You're Simba up in that bitch.  Only you and God know whether or not you're pulling down that Times New Roman font-ed water lever under the lemonade (unless these diabolical sons of bitches rigged fountain drink cameras above the dispensers - can't put it past them honestly).  So, what do you do?  You might have initially wanted a comically small glass of water with your meal, but now you've entered soda Narnia and your entire world just got flipped on its head.  You more or less promised to buy a Hyundai, but the attendant left you in a room by yourself with the keys to a shit ton of Lamborghinis and one Hyundai.  Best believe you ain't leaving with that Elantra yo.

With that said, there are the added elements of "those asshole other people" that purchased their wax coated paper cups flipping their nose up at whatever decision you make.  That elitist snob wants to laugh at you pouring the free, highly available (in the 1st world) resource while they roll over you atop their high fructose corn syrup high horse.

Don't let them get to you, though.  Judge the scene.  Assess the situation and do you.  If it's one of those weeks where you've HAD IT with "the man", go right ahead and steal like $0.001 from Shake Shack.  If Susie Suburban Mom is giving you a semi-racist glare for no reason, give her something to tell her husband about:

"I saw this twentysomething black man...*stops to cry for 15 seconds*..pour SPRITE into a cup that was CLEARLY a WATER CUP.  The nerve of him, honey!"

The food spots are going to catch on eventually to this racket, so act fast.  Sneak a little lemonade into your water just to fuck your drink up just because you can.  This is America for a reason.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

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Table of Contents:

Podcast wearing the 45 like Jordan after coming back from a crippling gambling addiction

Hatin on Whole Foods

Game of Thrones Spoilers

The NFL Draft

The NBA Playoffs

Thursday, March 24, 2016

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-March Madness and St. Pattys
-Cuba Does Not Look Great
-Batman v. Superman
-$75 Billion Challenge

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

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(First off, I am not close to being cultured enough to understand what that symbol is in front of the 75 billion.  No clue what the conversion rate is on a squiggly "L" with a line through it, but alas, this question needs to be answered*.)

Real talk, I don't think I can do anything for 24 hours.  Lets get that out of the way first.  My attention span is basically shot and I complain a ton about almost everything.  Toss a million spiders and one giant creature on the wall and all the bets are off.  But yo, allow me to have my phone so I can get these fire tweets off, too.  For the culture.

Let's get on the elephant in the room - the monster on the wall.  Look, I see the jig.  This thing has six legs and, of course, *pushes up glasses on nose* arachnids have eight legs.  No idea who this impostor is, but I'm not inclined to mess with him.  It's also become abundantly clear that a baseball bat might not be the play.  I'm shocked to admit this, but I've heard from others "Oh, it's just like a dog," he may be friendly. Mannnnnn, WUT.  Not even going to entertain that with a response.  Now onto tactics;

1) Let go and let god - just stay still and pray it doesn't notice you.  Bad plan.

2) Throw the bat at the big thing - honestly not too different from previous plan.  Also bad.

3) Turn the bat into the ultimate shiv so that you have a sword-like contraption - I like this, but it requires a lot of time.  Easily enough time to catch the fade and get your watch stolen.

4) Try to create fire using friction and set the bat on fire - I watched enough episodes of Naked and Afraid to build a B- fire in a likely condemned/abandoned bathroom.  High chance of burning myself to death while the monster watches and giggles, though.  Can't be caught on fire with Crying Jordan on my head.  Can't.

5) Walk into the room, walk right out - Winner.  I also don't want your hard to distinguish pesos or shilling prize money either.  I'll just climb the corporate ladder, retire at an age I'm not thrilled with due to inflation, and avoid being disemboweled by faux-arachnids.

*If this is equivalent to like $3 USD, I'm an idiot and the rest of the blog is void.
** I know it's a "pound" symbol.  (I Googled)

Monday, March 14, 2016

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Table of Contents:

  • We have become sick of each other
  • March Madness is here :)
  • Donald Trump is still here :(
  • People vs. OJ Simpson
  • Naked & Afraid
  • The Future is Wild from Animal Planet in 2008

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

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Sean went to Utah and Vermont in consecutive weekends - his white people pilgrimage is complete. Mozel Toz, bitches!

Table of Contents:
-Toilet Paper fears
-Travel and Life Updates
-Kanye West Album
-Grammy's and Oscars
-Light-skin dudes taking over the NBA

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

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No ifs, ands, or buts about it - this dude is SLUMPED and looking for a helping hand.  Can't knock it, though.  A baby seal breaking into a restaurant with *very plush* booths is a damn good accomplishment.  Gotta weather that 'itis storm, young fella.  Let's take a look at his physical destruction picture-by-picture, shall we?

He stood up triumphantly thinking he was actually okay.  Wrong!  You idiot.  Your insides are doing somersaults and you are in the infancy stages of bubble guts.

When life comes at you fast and you start questioning all the choices you've made thus far in your young life that lead you to this point.

"Hello God, are you listening?"

Honestly, this is the saddest picture I've ever seen.  Homie has made his peace with the ocean and is ready to succumb to that high-on-the-portions-side brunch he just ate.  Tragic.  

And that, folks, has been another blog where I chronicled the death of a baby seal.  Thanks for visiting Working Man's Diary Dot Com on the internet!  

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

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We've all got our flaws.  Every now and then I chew with my mouth open and sometimes Hannah goes outside, captures a butterfly, and tosses it into a microwave.  So goes the day.

Look, I get it.  People like to keep it interesting and spice things up every once in awhile.  Can't just come home, hit the gym, make dinner, and watch The Bachelor every night.  Life's too short.  Hannah woke up one day and decided "we have WAY too many microwaves and, coincidentally, WAY too many butterflies on planet Earth" and the stars sort of aligned.  

Get off Tinder.  Delete Bumble.  Away with Hinge.  Come back to Match and find love with someone that will brutally murder you in six months.


*I know there are some savages reading this that immediately said "I would" with no regret.

Monday, February 1, 2016

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Table of Contents:

-Expensive coats (Canada Goose & Moose Knuckle
-Kanye West vs. Wiz Khalifa & Amber Rose
-BoB thinks the world is flat
-Super Bowl preview
-The Lions killed Calvin Johnson and Barry Sanders
-Ideas how to fix the Pro Bowl

Monday, January 18, 2016

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-We didn't win Powerball, so now what?
-NFL Playoff Preview
-Justin Bieber is impacting the NBA All-Star game
-All-Star voting
-Dudes washing their hands in bar bathrooms
-UberPool dating service