Friday, December 12, 2014

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Good lord, man.  These ambiguous blobs of nitrate-free "treats" have set an almost unattainable level of whiteness.  Even Whole Foods would scoff at this like, "Oh wow, we..we just can't sell these."

But you know what?  These are a great way to set the bar EXTREMELY low for children.  Basically perfect for when you want them to have a childhood, but you secretly don't love them/care about their happiness.

Very curious to know what a gingerbread woman even looks like.  Boobs or nah?  Just trying to ask the important questions out here.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

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Mike Brown

Mike Brown's family this past Thanksgiving without their baby

Clear, vivid, and disturbing image of Eric Garner getting choked to death by the NYPD

Eric Garner's last words.

(Let's take a break from the dick jokes, cute animals, and strange, yet hilarious, banter.  The world is turning into a terrifying place right before my eyes.)

Look, I don't hate the police.  I was raised to revere them - to love them.  My father is a retired law enforcement official and still holds the spot as the best man that I know.  Although life was not great for him, he made sure that he raised a pragmatic and intelligent son.  He kept me safe, but not sheltered.  He made sure to teach me right from wrong, but, most importantly, he pulled back the curtain.  

For years I wondered why my father always told me to keep my wallet in my front right pocket (I'm right-handed).  At first I thought it was just a comfort thing, but then I slowly realized it was a precautionary measure.  While attending high school in a predominantly white area, I asked many of my friends where they kept their wallets. Most said they kept theirs in back because that's the only way they've seen it done - a respectable answer, but also a privileged answer.  Their fathers didn't have to worry about their kids getting shot when they were reaching for their wallet because the cop thought it was a gun like my father did.  They also didn't have to worry about walking alone on the street late at night.  Or being deemed "suspicious" for wearing certain clothes.  For awhile, I was naive.  I thought that if "I stayed out of trouble" and "kept a low profile", everything would be alright.  
Every day is a dice roll for every individual that walks the planet.  But, for me and others that look like me in the United States, the die are a bit more weighted.  After the recent events that have taken place in Ferguson and NYC, it has become abundantly clear that my life's value is much lower than I thought it was.  Again, naivety.  Like many others, I thought "WE MADE IT" when President Obama was elected.  I thought racism (overt and subtle) was on the way out.  It's not.  It's just reformulated and re-purposed.  Even though I've stayed out of trouble and kept a low profile, I can be dead tomorrow.

I'm not a lawyer and I'm not going to pretend to be (same goes for you, fake Facebook political analysts - newsflash, you all look like idiots), but lives were lost and repercussions were not administered.  A family was without their son and children were without their father this past Thanksgiving.  Trayvon Martin's parents had to spend another year filling that void in their hearts.  Legal system aside, that is some sad shit.  Imagine your dad, brother, friend not being around this Thanksgiving/Christmas and every holiday thereafter.  It's heartbreaking.  And I know that could have been and still could be me.  I wear hoodies, I listen to rap music out of the car, and I'd attempt to break up a fight if I saw one on the street (barring the situation).  But preconceived notions, man.  I'm a SERIOUS threat because I'm a reasonably stout, young black male and there is no way that I can shake that.

Please, everyone that reads this, take note of what I'm saying here.  Don't hit me back with "All Lives Matter"  (that's like running into a random funeral and yelling that you've experienced loss, too) or comment any stupidity on this post because I won't be having it.  Just read and absorb perspective from the other side of the lawn.  Ask questions.  Reach out to people and say "hey man, how are you?"  Shit like that goes a long way.  I implore you that this is not the time to argue.  Lives were lost, families were destroyed and cultures have been rattled.  It's bigger than all of us now.  

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

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First off, why is a hot dog rolling onto the court in a wheely cart at Cameron Indoor?  Just doesn't seem like the most logical move.  But obviously that's not what we're getting at here.  This hot dog has some SEVERE problems.

What's more American than wrapping an American flag around your body and cannibalizing yourself in front of thousands of teenagers returning from Thanksgiving break?  Honestly, I can't think of anything.  With that said, dude is determined.  He even has that biting-my-lower-lip-because-I'm-working look going.  He really wants to make sure he's delicious before he tries eating himself.

All in all, none of this makes sense and, frankly, I'm a little disturbed.  Regardless of what happens on the court today, little Timmy will always remember his first basketball game when a hot dog accessorized itself with condiments before eating its own body.

(Using a push cart to wheel your suspiciously phallic lower body is kind of a beast move)

Monday, November 24, 2014

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About two weeks ago, there was a 4.8 magnitude earthquake in some of the flyover states (sorry, coast or die). As most people know, earthquakes are the price California residents pay for dramatic ocean views and beach access, in addition to crippling mortgages and rents, and extra taxes and regulations.

Since the rise of fracking, earthquakes have been driving people in other parts of the country into doorways and under desks and tables, thanks to the shoving of water and chemicals into the ground with enough pressure to decapitate a dinosaur from 18 miles away. Because we're running out of energy sources and [many more politically inflammatory comments about money, Big Oil, government, and why not throw in OPEC, too]. 

So, since people outside California (and sometimes Washington and Oregon, I guess) don't have the involuntary earthquake detection factor, it's shocking and nobody thinks to be prepared. Certainly not the people in Kansas and Oklahoma. Someone called 911 after his recliner moved eight inches across the floor. 

Another resident reported that every ornament on her Christmas tree shook. This was on November 12. This is the real story: someone had her Christmas tree up and fully decorated by November 12. Is that a thing people do? Are we all supposed to have our trees up before Thanksgiving? I guess I'll start counting down to 2015 right now. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

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Egads, yo.  This is what happens when you have too much time and far too little chill.  Dude put a hamster sized toilet in his mouth and confidently walks out of the house every morning. Crumb-believable, I say!  So, how did we get here?


Just your typical, shaggy-haired white boy with a ton of inherent privilege.  Probably owns a skateboard, hates his mom because she didn't correctly microwave his Bagel Bites, and has VERY colorful language in Call of Duty online play.  You know, standard stuff.



Uh oh.  He bought his first a Slipknot CD.  After committing some random acts of petty theft, he probably put up a couple ironic "Caution" street signs on the front of his room's door and got some equidistant piercings.  Conformity is super wack.  And whoever "the man" is, fuck him.



Welp, he finally hit the"phase" where he expresses himself, doesn't shower, uses a Sharpie on his forehead and inserts a hamster toilet in his mouth.  It's truly that time to experiment and find yourself. We've all been there, though.  High school amirite?


YASSSS bitch.  Look at him coming in looking exactly like that uncle you're not supposed to be left in a room with while unattended. I mean, dude is a platypus.  It's uncanny at this point.

 Right?

Even...more..right?




Monday, November 17, 2014

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Curving is an epidemic. Now that the Ebola scare has died down and all the thinkpiece dust has settled, it’s time to tackle the most underserved problem in the social media community.

“But Dub, WTF is curving?” Glad you asked. Curving is the swag term for getting rejected or shut down. Any time you’ve been bamboozled, hoodwinked or straight up played by a member of the opposite sex, you most likely got curved. For example: ever get a text from someone that just said “K” when you said that “you guys should hang out at some point?”

The curving breakdown starts and ends with some iteration of the list below:


The main problem is that no one can accept that they’ve been curved. I once convinced myself that all cell phone towers were down in my area due to seven mph winds and that’s why a girl didn’t respond to my texts. When you start creating wildly implausible scenarios, it’s probably a strong indicator that you got GOT.

Other “You got curved” situations include:

-Repeatedly checking your phone because you thought your thigh vibrated and she texted you back. She didn’t.

-Completely and knowingly immersing yourself in the friend-zone because, gosh darn it, you’re a good enough guy and that will eventually show.

-She tweeted 230 times, but has not responded to your texts

-She crafts wildly creative/disrespectful excuses not to hang out with you, i.e.: “I’m sick, but I also have to cook lasagna. So definitely not tonight.”

Now that we are in a social media age where people don’t know how to talk to each other in person, a lot of game is kicked online. Especially Twitter. From my vast and intensive research, there is nothing worse than attempting to slide into those DMs only to realize that you got picked off by the cutoff guy.


At least that was short and sweet. Got in and got out like a revolving door. Sometimes, though, things get a bit dicier in those harsh, harsh Twitter streets.


This is like getting dunked on in the playground, except it’s on the internet and will likely be there forever. Look, I get where this dude is coming from. He saw an opportunity, albeit an unlikely one, and took a shot. Too bad that shot was thrown wild inaccurately into triple coverage, but it was a shot nonetheless.

But, yo, shooters gotta shoot. Adele got curved so bad that she dropped a diamond album, so it goes to show that even the most battered phoenix can rise from the ashes. Or something.

Keep slidin’ in those DMs!

Monday, November 10, 2014

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Look, I'll put it bluntly.  The streets NEED a Smarf spin-off.  Sure, he died a gruesome death and has the weirdest skill-set in the game, but that's all in the mystery.  Is he a wise-cracking piano teacher with a heart of gold?  Maybe he's a cat that was born with Care Bear powers and has to maneuver through society as an outcast?  Is that a vest?  I don't know, but I want to know so badly.

Sidenote, I made the horribly amazing mistake of watching the full "Too Many Cooks" video while very drunk on a Saturday night.  For a guy that has never done peyote, it was a fairly perfect alternative.  With all that said, RIP brother Smarf.  Hopefully some genius TV producer repurposes yo' dead ass.


Full video:


PS. If they play this song at the club, I'm not NOT dancing to it.  Just sayin'

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

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If that's not a "Welp, guess I gotta ride this whole 'being stuck in a manhole thing' out" look, I don't know what is.  Just a donkey that realizes his current circumstances are not ideal.  Dude looks exactly like I do when I sit at my desk at work.  Pure indifference.  How'd he get into the hole?  No clue, but since this could very easily happen to me, I have to assume a smartphone was involved..

Yeah, there's a manhole 5 feet in front of you, but these tweets aren't going to send themselves.  Rule #1 of 2014 is making sure you get these tweets off by any means necessary.  If you fall in a hole, you fall in a hole.  

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

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Let's not get hasty here.  I don't want some young rapscallion to run in there with a gas canister and a match.  This needs to be thought out strategically.  And by "strategically", I mean military strikes, drones, Terminator-style robots, and potentially a trained army of grizzly bears.  

The fact that this exists is terrifying for so many reasons.  Mainly, EW.  Secondly, these spiders might figure out how to mobilize.  The odds that we have a "Caesar from Planet of the Apes" type of spider in there is alarmingly high.  

Let's get on it, super-soldiers.  We're wasting time here



Thursday, October 30, 2014

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Before we dive in, it would be irresponsible of me not to mention that Teddy Bend-her-ass-around has put on a few El-Bees. Not saying there's a causation, but there is, perhaps, a correlation.

That being said, I almost cried during this downright shocking rendition of "Buy You a Drink." It was probably the most beautiful song that I've heard in 2014. And, yo, I've heard Taylor Swift.

PS. Almost slipped up for a second and got seduced by T-Pain. Like, "Alright, I'll accept a drink from you, but you will NOT take me home. OK, I'll go back to your place, but we're JUST going to hang out" and you know how that goes. I'm probably never clicking "Play" on this Youtube again.