Monday, October 20, 2014

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Introducing the Goliath Birdeater spider - he will steal your wallet, smack you in the face, threaten your family and spit on you before he walks away.  We almost have to think about the mathematical implications here.  The less rain forest devastation = an increase in spiders that will mug us on the streets.  I'm not saying we need to start the ignition to these bulldozers, but I am saying that we should at least get Hagrid on the scene to confer on what needs to be done here.  I guess what I'm trying to stress is, I'm not trying to get fucked up by a spider.  Is that too much to ask?

(I'm SHOCKED that the person's hand in the picture is of the Caucasian ethnicity.  SHOCKED.)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

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We've all been in this dilemma, right?  No, not the person dying, but the person taking the picture.  Perhaps you see someone getting their chest cavity crushed by 235 pound metal, but feel the need to save them is at priority level 2.  Ya know, since you got to get these hilarious tweets off and save the best one for an Instagram photo later.  Odds are he'll live anyway, so what's the point of squandering 100 likes to save a life that most likely doesn't need saving.

The downside to this whole thing is that the person will probably remember your face as "that guy that chose to take pictures of me dying instead of saving my life" and will probably try to seek murderous vengeance on you until the end of days.  But man, 100 likes is 100 likes.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

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Lil TerRio was at the BET Hip Hop Awards tonight and let's just say he didn't look..thin/well/healthy/like a 6 year old should.

So, with all that said, I gave TerRio a new nickname.  Introducing the GAWD of the clouds, Yung Cumulonimbus.  You know, because 1) that white shirt didn't stand a chance and 2) he's the closest thing we have to a cloud in the rap game.  Genius, I know.  Thanks.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

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Can't quite figure out what that metaphor is, but I'm sure one exists for this video.  In a completely shocking scenario, the cat was NOT about that action.  In fact, the cat seemed like it hated life, but such is the life for cats.

You: "Hey, let's do something fun!"

Your cat: "Nah, I'm good"

There was the tan-ish cat that tried to play along, but generally had no idea what was happening.  I'll be honest, though, why are you walking cats?  A main benefit of owning a cat is to ignore their general needs because they can solve their own problems.  Buy a cat, enjoy the kitten days, begin to develop disdain for one another and co-exist for the duration of time.  Simple as that.

Found the metaphor: the black cat getting dragged is every dude that has to go apple picking with his girlfriend in the fall.  Nailed it.  

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

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You're excited. You've crossed out all of the days leading to October 7th.  You sprint to Gamestop to buy your copy of NBA 2K15.  You read the back of the game and see that there's facial recognition software built into the game that allows you to upload your likeness into  Create-A-Player mode and today is basically the best day ever.  You rush home, pop in the CD, set up create a player, take your picture and.....your fucking eyes are on your chin.

Gaahhhh-lee.  Shit like this will start to make you reevaluate your entire life.  You'll start questioning every single instance that you took a picture, wondering if you look as ghoulish to your friends and family as you do to the 2K Sports servers.  As far as I'm concerned, the NBA 2K15 camera actually takes a picture of your soul and shows what you actually look like on the inside.  For that reason, I will not be participating in the facial recognition technology and sticking with "Generic Black Guy Face #5."

Monday, October 6, 2014

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We've all been in the Facebook game long enough to have a couple spam accounts request us every now and then.  Today was my most interesting spam request yet.  For one, the person was clearly using pictures of the only black male model in existence, Tyson Beckford.  I know that blasian mug anywhere, plus I literally know zero people with abs like that.  Shrewd move spam bot, shrewd move.  

At first this was an automatic "delete", but then I thought, "Wait, whoever this person/bot is chose pictures of Tyson for reason.  I might have to investigate."  Plus, the "Also from Bronx, New York" is an excellent touch.  What this bot doesn't know is that the Bronx already has a fake Tyson Beckford and he's a crackhead on East Tremont that bears a striking resemblance to DMX.  

To be continued...

(Outchea like)

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Now, more than ever, is the time to develop an R&B caliber voice.  I've been saying it for years.  An R&B voice just makes life a little bit better.  Sun shines brighter, birds chirp louder.  It's like wearing glasses, but through your voice.  Wear glasses - people think you're smarter.  Sound R&B'ish - people will respect you/think you're hilarious.  Win/Win.

That being said, this video is indicative of most relationships in 2014.  Perhaps this lizard dude broke up with his lizard chick via text message and the lizard chick didn't think they ACTUALLY broke up since it was via text and she thought he respected her more than that.  Perhaps.  Regardless, I'm pretty sure this is how dudes and chicks interact with each other.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

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Got to hand it to the person that drew this comic - they went all in.  Probably realized that no one is reading print newspapers anymore and threw up a YOLO comic.  Hey man, we've been there.  A lot less overt racism and crude artistic depictions of world leaders, but we've been there.

Like, yeah, we get what you're trying to say with the intruder bathing behind Barry's shower curtain, but the other stuff was up to a bit of "artistic interpretation."  Aside from the obvious toothpaste jab, the monkey ears move was a "eh, I'm probably getting fired soon, let's get REAL racist with it."  I'm not even that mad about this because at least it wasn't another black dude getting shot at by a cop. Any time that doesn't happen we have to chalk it up as a win in 2014.  On a sidenote, I'm completely ok with the racist foods associated with black people.

Watermelon?  Refreshing and delicious.  Fried Chicken?  Possibly the best thing to ever happen to food.  Grape flavored beverages?  Tell me you won't do horrible things for a Welch's grape soda and I'll call you a liar to your face.

Good thing Boston's not known for having a rich history of racial unrest or anything.  Really dodged a bullet on that one.

Monday, September 29, 2014

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30 days, everyone!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

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Welp, cuddling is back, I guess. I don’t know how or when this happened, but obviously this is terrible news. It goes without saying that cuddling sucks. We didn't need this. I’d even go as far to say that people are living in a Golden Age of easily accessible, non-committal ass. Someone invented Tinder and people are able to arrange random sex with strangers from the comforts of their own couch. Then Cuddlr happened and it pooped all in the punch bowl.

But, since I’m all about that creep life and take my journalism seriously, I did the damn thing and downloaded the Cuddlr app to see what it was all about. (Spoiler: I got freaked out and almost immediately deleted it)

So I opened the app and instantly got hit with some bullshit:

Couple red flags:

1) Nah, yo. These egg people are giving off some troubling vibes. And by “troubling”, I of course mean “come back to my place so I can chloroform you, dump you in an ice bath and remove your kidney.”

2) An hour to accept? Someone who looks nice? What does any of this mean? If you’re going to cuddle with an organ harvester, you better dive face first into the act. Make that decision in 10 seconds or less.

How do you find a fellow cuddler, you ask? Apparently the same way you found enemy trainers in Pokemon Red.

Do we just cuddle right on the spot? Do you rent a motel? Should you get drunk first? I have no idea how this works. Either way, you might have to deal with the ramifications of random erections.

Wait, what? PG? I don’t feel comfortable using an app based solely on rubbing genitals if random erections are not socially accepted. Can you see the egg people’s hands in that picture? Exactly. Definitely some yolky funny stuff going on there.

Simply because I’m a competitor, I would strive to be the world’s greatest Cuddlr even though cuddling is fundamentally stupid and pointless. If that means working out less so I get fat, doughy and more cuddle-able then so be it. Perhaps I need go on eBay and buy a CD player so I can create cuddler-specific mixtapes for each of my meetings. There’s being a good cuddler and then there’s going the extra mile for that ‘thumbs-up.’

Now that I’ve pretty much transformed cuddling into a sport, let’s see what the deal is:

Ah, the old “we need your Facebook info so your girlfriend and all of your friends can see that you’re using an app to cuddle with strangers” trick. Not going to fall for it this time. With that said, it’s still worth poking around and seeing what the clientele is looking like. You know, for experimental reasons.

Let’s call a spade a spade - lots of dudes, including two infants. And a picture of two ninjas fighting each other with fences. It’s safe to assume that this app has a few kinks to work out in the user department. Shout out to Evie, though. Her phone battery must be hot to the touch with all the cuddle requests that must be rolling in. Basic only-chick-at-a-sausage-fest economics right there.

It may come as a surprise that I deleted the Cuddlr app about 45 seconds after downloading it, but it had to be done. They were asking about my government name and wanted to make me into a social pariah. Plus the egg people were VERY off-putting. Other than that, I can see this app going through some real struggles. Zero dudes actually want to cuddle, we all get erections, and, to be honest, we generally don’t smell awesome most of the time. The market is going to use this exactly like they use Tinder and that’ll bring about some hilariously horrible results.