Monday, November 24, 2014

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About two weeks ago, there was a 4.8 magnitude earthquake in some of the flyover states (sorry, coast or die). As most people know, earthquakes are the price California residents pay for dramatic ocean views and beach access, in addition to crippling mortgages and rents, and extra taxes and regulations.

Since the rise of fracking, earthquakes have been driving people in other parts of the country into doorways and under desks and tables, thanks to the shoving of water and chemicals into the ground with enough pressure to decapitate a dinosaur from 18 miles away. Because we're running out of energy sources and [many more politically inflammatory comments about money, Big Oil, government, and why not throw in OPEC, too]. 

So, since people outside California (and sometimes Washington and Oregon, I guess) don't have the involuntary earthquake detection factor, it's shocking and nobody thinks to be prepared. Certainly not the people in Kansas and Oklahoma. Someone called 911 after his recliner moved eight inches across the floor. 

Another resident reported that every ornament on her Christmas tree shook. This was on November 12. This is the real story: someone had her Christmas tree up and fully decorated by November 12. Is that a thing people do? Are we all supposed to have our trees up before Thanksgiving? I guess I'll start counting down to 2015 right now. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

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Egads, yo.  This is what happens when you have too much time and far too little chill.  Dude put a hamster sized toilet in his mouth and confidently walks out of the house every morning. Crumb-believable, I say!  So, how did we get here?

Just your typical, shaggy-haired white boy with a ton of inherent privilege.  Probably owns a skateboard, hates his mom because she didn't correctly microwave his Bagel Bites, and has VERY colorful language in Call of Duty online play.  You know, standard stuff.

Uh oh.  He bought his first a Slipknot CD.  After committing some random acts of petty theft, he probably put up a couple ironic "Caution" street signs on the front of his room's door and got some equidistant piercings.  Conformity is super wack.  And whoever "the man" is, fuck him.

Welp, he finally hit the"phase" where he expresses himself, doesn't shower, uses a Sharpie on his forehead and inserts a hamster toilet in his mouth.  It's truly that time to experiment and find yourself. We've all been there, though.  High school amirite?

YASSSS bitch.  Look at him coming in looking exactly like that uncle you're not supposed to be left in a room with while unattended. I mean, dude is a platypus.  It's uncanny at this point.



Monday, November 17, 2014

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Curving is an epidemic. Now that the Ebola scare has died down and all the thinkpiece dust has settled, it’s time to tackle the most underserved problem in the social media community.

“But Dub, WTF is curving?” Glad you asked. Curving is the swag term for getting rejected or shut down. Any time you’ve been bamboozled, hoodwinked or straight up played by a member of the opposite sex, you most likely got curved. For example: ever get a text from someone that just said “K” when you said that “you guys should hang out at some point?”

The curving breakdown starts and ends with some iteration of the list below:

The main problem is that no one can accept that they’ve been curved. I once convinced myself that all cell phone towers were down in my area due to seven mph winds and that’s why a girl didn’t respond to my texts. When you start creating wildly implausible scenarios, it’s probably a strong indicator that you got GOT.

Other “You got curved” situations include:

-Repeatedly checking your phone because you thought your thigh vibrated and she texted you back. She didn’t.

-Completely and knowingly immersing yourself in the friend-zone because, gosh darn it, you’re a good enough guy and that will eventually show.

-She tweeted 230 times, but has not responded to your texts

-She crafts wildly creative/disrespectful excuses not to hang out with you, i.e.: “I’m sick, but I also have to cook lasagna. So definitely not tonight.”

Now that we are in a social media age where people don’t know how to talk to each other in person, a lot of game is kicked online. Especially Twitter. From my vast and intensive research, there is nothing worse than attempting to slide into those DMs only to realize that you got picked off by the cutoff guy.

At least that was short and sweet. Got in and got out like a revolving door. Sometimes, though, things get a bit dicier in those harsh, harsh Twitter streets.

This is like getting dunked on in the playground, except it’s on the internet and will likely be there forever. Look, I get where this dude is coming from. He saw an opportunity, albeit an unlikely one, and took a shot. Too bad that shot was thrown wild inaccurately into triple coverage, but it was a shot nonetheless.

But, yo, shooters gotta shoot. Adele got curved so bad that she dropped a diamond album, so it goes to show that even the most battered phoenix can rise from the ashes. Or something.

Keep slidin’ in those DMs!

Monday, November 10, 2014

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Look, I'll put it bluntly.  The streets NEED a Smarf spin-off.  Sure, he died a gruesome death and has the weirdest skill-set in the game, but that's all in the mystery.  Is he a wise-cracking piano teacher with a heart of gold?  Maybe he's a cat that was born with Care Bear powers and has to maneuver through society as an outcast?  Is that a vest?  I don't know, but I want to know so badly.

Sidenote, I made the horribly amazing mistake of watching the full "Too Many Cooks" video while very drunk on a Saturday night.  For a guy that has never done peyote, it was a fairly perfect alternative.  With all that said, RIP brother Smarf.  Hopefully some genius TV producer repurposes yo' dead ass.

Full video:

PS. If they play this song at the club, I'm not NOT dancing to it.  Just sayin'

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

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If that's not a "Welp, guess I gotta ride this whole 'being stuck in a manhole thing' out" look, I don't know what is.  Just a donkey that realizes his current circumstances are not ideal.  Dude looks exactly like I do when I sit at my desk at work.  Pure indifference.  How'd he get into the hole?  No clue, but since this could very easily happen to me, I have to assume a smartphone was involved..

Yeah, there's a manhole 5 feet in front of you, but these tweets aren't going to send themselves.  Rule #1 of 2014 is making sure you get these tweets off by any means necessary.  If you fall in a hole, you fall in a hole.  

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

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Let's not get hasty here.  I don't want some young rapscallion to run in there with a gas canister and a match.  This needs to be thought out strategically.  And by "strategically", I mean military strikes, drones, Terminator-style robots, and potentially a trained army of grizzly bears.  

The fact that this exists is terrifying for so many reasons.  Mainly, EW.  Secondly, these spiders might figure out how to mobilize.  The odds that we have a "Caesar from Planet of the Apes" type of spider in there is alarmingly high.  

Let's get on it, super-soldiers.  We're wasting time here

Thursday, October 30, 2014

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Before we dive in, it would be irresponsible of me not to mention that Teddy Bend-her-ass-around has put on a few El-Bees. Not saying there's a causation, but there is, perhaps, a correlation.

That being said, I almost cried during this downright shocking rendition of "Buy You a Drink." It was probably the most beautiful song that I've heard in 2014. And, yo, I've heard Taylor Swift.

PS. Almost slipped up for a second and got seduced by T-Pain. Like, "Alright, I'll accept a drink from you, but you will NOT take me home. OK, I'll go back to your place, but we're JUST going to hang out" and you know how that goes. I'm probably never clicking "Play" on this Youtube again.

Monday, October 27, 2014

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20 years from now you'll remember where you were when you realized that Grammy Award winning RAPPER, Macklemore, was actually Tobey from The Office.  Little did we know that the GAWD emcee, responsible for such hits as "A Few Little Jokes About Being Cost Efficient", "That Song That Was Groundbreaking For Homosexuality" and "The Dude Singing The Chorus Should Be More Famous Than You" was also a legendary comedy foil.

Just goes to show that if you work hard enough writing rhymes during your lunch break in the HR department and ignore your boss constantly berating everything you do, you can become the best RAPPER in the history of the Milky Way Galaxy and reverse age yourself 15 years.


Monday, October 20, 2014

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Introducing the Goliath Birdeater spider - he will steal your wallet, smack you in the face, threaten your family and spit on you before he walks away.  We almost have to think about the mathematical implications here.  The less rain forest devastation = an increase in spiders that will mug us on the streets.  I'm not saying we need to start the ignition to these bulldozers, but I am saying that we should at least get Hagrid on the scene to confer on what needs to be done here.  I guess what I'm trying to stress is, I'm not trying to get fucked up by a spider.  Is that too much to ask?

(I'm SHOCKED that the person's hand in the picture is of the Caucasian ethnicity.  SHOCKED.)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

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We've all been in this dilemma, right?  No, not the person dying, but the person taking the picture.  Perhaps you see someone getting their chest cavity crushed by 235 pound metal, but feel the need to save them is at priority level 2.  Ya know, since you got to get these hilarious tweets off and save the best one for an Instagram photo later.  Odds are he'll live anyway, so what's the point of squandering 100 likes to save a life that most likely doesn't need saving.

The downside to this whole thing is that the person will probably remember your face as "that guy that chose to take pictures of me dying instead of saving my life" and will probably try to seek murderous vengeance on you until the end of days.  But man, 100 likes is 100 likes.