Will Smith Backhand Slapping Affectionate Guys All Over Ukraine

Does MIB3 suck? I'm not one to analyze a picture (pretty sure 98% of WMD is me analyzing pictures), but Will doesn't seem like a happy camper on premiere night. Lucky for him, he can do no wrong in my eyes.

I can absolutely see where he's coming from though. I'm 300% not trying to get kissed by a Ukranian dude reporter. But Will, don't you have like seven 6'9 350lb dreadlocked-out bodyguards that can come to your aid at a moment's notice and erase this non-glasses-wearing Stephen Colbert looking motherfucker off the grid? You made "Big Willie Style" and we forgave you for Hancock, you deserve a bit more respect and protection for this.

On a very real note, is getting slapped the most disrespectful thing that can happen to anyone? I think it is. In medival times, dudes got decapitated and hung as a result of getting slapped. No coming back from that. Toss some Johnson's Baby Powder in your palm, swing, and potentially ruin someone's life forever.

Reactions:

Man Needs Emergency Assistance After Geting Stuck In A Garbage Chute Trying To Escape His Girlfriend

^easily the most misguided garbage-chute hiding attempt of all time

Hiding might be the scariest experience in the world. You're just sitting/standing there in a cramped space trying to adjust your breathing so you don't make noise/pass out. One of your feet is undoubtedly going to fall asleep, so be aware of that when you try to move so you don't break your face. Then there's the self-doubt, like "Is this even a fucking hiding spot?", "Are my feet exposed?", and the ever popular, "What if no one finds me/everyone forgets about me?" You can figure out why I absolutely despise Hide'N Go Seek. Way too many, "Oops, sorry Dub, we stopped playing and forgot to tell you to stop hiding"s in my life.

Toss in a pissed girlfriend, the fire department, the jaws of life, confused/ridiculing neighbors and you might as well take me out back and put a bullet in my head. No more hiding. Just stay where you are or straight up leave.

Reactions:

If You Plan On Visiting Thailand, Try To Avoid Accidentally Buying Roasted Baby Fetuses From Fetus Smugglers

(tasteless image choice)

It's like I've always said, any time you smuggle more than 4 roasted fetuses into another country, you're probably there for a reason.

While I'm not well-versed in the roasted-fetus smuggling game, I can imagine that this dude had to be involved in some sort of business transaction. A few roasted fetuses for a hologram Charizard Pokemon card? Maybe a Furby? Unsure how they translate currency-wise.

::Reads story further, throws up, redacts every previous word written::

Yikes. This is some next level fucked up stuff, that even my piss poor moral compass can't dive into further. Ground up, disintergrated baby pills? Nah, that ain't me.

Reactions:

The Only Way To Make Battleship Better....

....Is by changing the entire structural design and turning it into Monopoly. As long as the entire cast of Friday Night Lights, Rihanna, Eric from True Blood and the immortal Liam Neeson are still fighting "aliens" that look eerily like Transformers, I'll probably see it. Plus, anytime a movie is made by the same company that made Connect 4, you have to go.

And can we please recognize that the original OG 1%'er is the Monopoly guy. My man rocks a monocle AND a cane. With no back or leg problems. That's a level of baller that hasn't been seen since the Great Depression.

Sorry Jay, I think Rich Uncle Pennybags invented swag.

Reactions:

In The Realm Of Bad Wedding Proposals, Proposing In A Pandora Commercial Might Be The Worst

It's agreed that the Pandora app sucks, right? You pick an artist's "station" then skip 3 songs because they're not even close to the type of music you chose and then a commercial about Honda Civics comes on. Next thing you know, you wasted 5 minutes and your phone battery is drained roughly 25 percent. So you can imagine how I feel about combining this bullshit with marriage.

The idea of marriage is bad enough. I was barely able to ask anyone to prom, so I'll probably have a combo aneurysm-heart attack before I get down on one knee for some unlucky lady in the future. With that said, how much of a cop-out is asking your girlfriend's hand in marriage via a Pandora commercial. Your girl is just trying to get her Lady Gaga fix in during the morning commute. Don't burden her with the most important question of her life when she's already pissed that she had to skip through 2 Ke$ha songs and Katy Perry's "Firework." It just lowers your chance that she's going to say yes.

There is NOTHING worse than overly creative wedding proposals (except that dude that somehow proposed via Super Smash Bros.). Just go to the fucking park, take her on a chariot ride, get a glass of red wine in her so she'll be kinda drunk, and blast the bling at her. If you're not a dick/rushing things, she'll say yes. Add Pandora commercial to the terrible list of asshole proposals that include: flash mobs, Youtube videos, songs, jumbotrons, Airplane Exhaust, in the sand, spelled out with inanimate objects, bands, Tim Tebow, internet memes and putting a ring in a glass of wine.

PS. Real talk, the two most important Pandora stations I have are the "Symphonic Orchestra" and "Disney Soundtracks" stations.

Reactions:

It's The Ticket Oak's World And We're Just Living In It

If you don't think the Ticket Oak is the most electric, charismatic commercial personality to come along in decades, you sir/madam are out of your mind. And probably a terrible human being.



My man is just content as hell to sit there and wait for people to request tickets to their favorite shows. Sure, his eyes may be a little wonky/wildly misaligned and he may have a glaring learning deficiency, but god dammit if he's not working his ass off growing Justin Bieber and Miami Heat tickets out of his ticket-leaf-fro.

And yes, the Ticket Oak's owner is most certainly a serial killer. Ryan probably didn't make it to that show.

Reactions:

Happy Mother's Day Mom!!

Ok, guys, I narrowed it down to a few gifts that I'm going to next-day-air Mama to virtually ensure that she'll disown me forever. Let's give them a scan:

"Hey Mom, thought you'd look great in a ironically Japanese Lucha Libre mask. Just kidding! It's actually a facial exercise mask that squeezes your nerves and improves platelet regeneration--whatever that means! Love you, Mom!!!"

"Hey Mom, I know the racial atmosphere is a little dicey and people routinely get shot/killed for mistakenly having a gun, but fuck it, here's a gun purse! It's a purse shaped like a gun. It'll be so funny when you go to places like the bank and airports. Love you, Mom!!!"

Real talk, my mother might actually like this and this borderline might be the perfect gift for her. I'm halfway through inputting my credit card number as we speak. Is this a sign that my Mom's a weirdo or that I'm wildly incorrect and will immediately be dropped from her lineage. Only one way to find out I guess...CONFIRM PURCHASE.

Get yo' Mama a card this weekend. She birthed you.

PS. Without us, our Mom's wouldn't be mothers and thus ineligible to celebrate "Mother's Day." In a sense we make this holiday for them. It's true, but don't you dare say that to them.

Reactions:

If I Lie And Say I'm Done With Finals And/Or Law School Will I Temporarily Become King Of Facebook?

Looks like I found the new surefire way to become the cat's pajamas on Facebook. Nope, not posting a "professional" model picture. Finality. People fucking love the end of anything. Tell them you finished finals--328 likes, 98 comments. Law school done? Everyone's servers might as well explode. Unfortunately, I have literally NOTHING of importance going on, so I might have to fake it.

Social experiment: What happens when I create a fake status that says I finished EVERYTHING? Legitimately every type of school and I could possibly take.

Here's the status:

Whoever Is Finding A Way To Inexplicably Incorporate Hitler Into Every "Draw Something" Move Won Today

I get offended by any image of Hitler and Nazi Germany as much as the next guy, but this shit is absolutely hilarious.

Clearly each of these pictures took about 3 months to complete. Anyone who has played "Draw Something" knows that the game is borderline impossible to carelessly play. You either put your ALL into it or you run the risk of looking like an asshole. I'm one of those assholes. Once I realized that game requires diligence and precision, I was out. And you can't fucking do anything without the color green, which costs like 2000 coins. My dickish attitude ended up resulting in me becoming "that guy" and spelling the words out after constant erasing. No one likes to play that guy.

Then again, who wants to be the guy to erect childish iPhone app masterpieces? That's like being awesome at the Etch-A-Sketch. Yeah, in some sectors of the world you can be considered "talented", but 98% of the population hates you and thinks you're a nerd.

Kidding. I'm just really jealous. Draw on inexplicable Hitler drawer, draw on.

Reactions:

Introducing Dominic Deville, The Guy That Dresses Up Like A Killer Clown And Stalks Your Child For A Week Before Their Birthday Where He Smashes Them In The Face With A Cake

There are good ideas and then there are great ideas. Hiring a stranger to dress up as a killer clown to stalk your child, leave terrifying notes and ultimately hitting him/her in the face with a cake on their birthday is as perfect as it gets.

I was such a pansy when I had birthdays. Age 6 was a weak affair all around. My mom came into my first grade class with cupcakes and lizard toys and brought me brand new basketball sneakers. I was such a bitch. Way too much smiling and laughing it up with all the other kids being genuinely happy. That's not how it should have gone down. Mom should have called Dom up, paid him his fee, and watched the fireworks ensue. Sure, I'd probably be a serial killer or socially inept, but let me tell you, I'd be such a badass. There is literally nothing in life that can possibly scare you after you had a homicidal clown stalk you for 7 days while your mother did nothing but giggle. And to top it all off, you're probably heart attack proof for the rest of your life after you get a cake smashed in your face by your clown stalker. Your aorta will permanently be hard as a rock and slightly inefficient everyday thereafter.

Reading this quote right here: "If at any point the kids get scared or their parents are concerned we stop right there," he said. "But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless."--virtually ensured NO black parents will ever be purchasing this service.

Reactions: