Thursday, March 26, 2015

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Good lord, this is incredible.  I can't even begin to process or understand its purpose, but I do know I need several of these in various colorways.  

This is perfect for the dude that has a job, but doesn't like his job too much, and wants to no longer have a job at the end of the day.  Also perfect for the inconspicuous drug dealer on the corner that wants to garner little police attention.  

Most importantly, this is for the burger enthusiast.  The dudes out there that just love Big Macs an unreasonable amount.  So much so, that they bought a hoodie with pictures of Big Macs on it.  What a time to be alive, people.  I think we've officially made it.

Friday, March 13, 2015

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FYI, Suge Knight killed someone..again.  I know, I know, this is starting to become a broken record.  Suge kills someone in public/broad daylight, things get mysteriously brushed under the rug, and the dude is free to kill again like some villain from a superhero cartoon.

Well, he got himself into another pickle.  And by "pickle", I mean he ran over two people in his car directly in front of a surveillance camera in (you guessed it!) broad daylight.  Can't knock a dude for treating life like Grand Theft Auto V since that was just a really fun gaming experience.  But yeah, one of those dudes died (video is gross, but it's on TMZ if you're into snuff films) and Suge had to show up in court to evade authority yet again.  What happened next was legendary.

First, Suge and his defense team went with the ol' "I'm blind and had no idea what happened because I couldn't see anything" excuse because that hasn't failed ever.  Akin to:

  

THEN Suge took it to the next level.  In the span of 48 hours, he managed to procure a walking stick and legally blind people glasses!  Incredible.  He went the extra mile to prove himself to the judge and prosecutor.  In my eyes, this deserves a least a few votes in the Time Magazine 2015 'Person of the Year' running.  

Evolve and Adapt - The Suge Knight Story

Thursday, March 12, 2015

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This fat-ass dog is simply not down for your little games of fetch, catch, and/or the general idea of physical exertion.  See those eyes? Those are the eyes I hope to develop in the future.  The "Yeah, I CAN do stuff, but I just choose not to" look.  That means you've won at life, I think.

You, pup, are truly a companion I can ride and (most likely) die with.  We'll spend our days thinking about doing things, but ultimately deciding that sitting on the couch is a much better idea.  Man's best friend indeed.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

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Generally, the internet is a cesspool of time-wasters, clickbait, illegal shit, and multiple other ways to ruin your life - WMD included.  This site is powered off of stealing away precious seconds away from your life that you'll be wishing that you still had when you're old and decrepit.  But that's besides the point.  

The 18th anniversary of Biggie Smalls' death occurred two days ago and, honestly, I couldn't think of a better way to honor his career.

(I was scared to DEATH of this show.  Would literally cry every time I watched it.  Was little-me a bitch?  Probably.  But animatronic dinosaurs in 1992 was absolutely way too much.) 

Monday, March 9, 2015

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Tim Cook and the ghost of Steve Jobs are here to devour the hell out of everything in your checking/savings account, y'all.  Got a tax refund back?  Nah, Tim stole that, so hopefully you won't have to go through that.  Your bonus from work finally hit your account?  Nope, Steve Jobs' ghost just bought 11 new Keurig machines with your cash in rich-people heaven.

The whole event was a spectacle.  First they released a gold, ballin' ass MacBook Pro that could take your job and steal your girlfriend at a moment's notice.  But little did we know, the gold, girlfriend-stealing MacBook was just the appetizer.  The Apple Watch is finally here to make us debate among friends on how "stupid" and "unnecessary" it is until we all inevitably break down and buy it like the sheeple that we are.  Circle of life shit.  No worries, Timmy.  I'll handle the FAQ.

"But, like, we already have our phones.  Why do we need a watch that does the same thing?"


Because we need a device to tell us how unhealthy we are, that's why. I'll be honest here, this particular feature isn't my favorite.  Full disclosure, I wore a FitBit for a week and I'm pretty sure it thought I was dead on several occasions.  I don't anticipate that "Activity" app is going to get much burn for me personally, but I'm just a guy blogging in his underwear with a bag of chips on his chest. As a fake-professional blogger that sits a LOT, I can't have my watch attacking my decision-making skills.

"What if I have an irregular heartbeat?  What then?"


You didn't think Cupertino was going to forget about your heart palpitations, right?  Pfft.  Timmy C and ghost Stevie J-O weren't messing around when they were forcing slave laborers to make these historic devices at terrifying efficiency.  Grandpa's not going to die on your..wait for it...wait for it...watch.  

*swan dives into a vat of battery acid*

"What if I'm bored?  And by bored, I mean I checked Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook again, my email, accidentally opened Safari, terrifyingly wandered into something called the "Stocks" app, and then Twitter again."


It's been a long time, shouldn't have left you, without a crude drawing app to step to - Steve Jobs feat. Aaliyah*.

If you want to remember what it was like to be five and have limited brain function, you're in luck.  The sketch app is here with a 1x1 inch display to draw the wackest flower you can dream up from the comfort of your wrist.  Take my money, Tim.  Just take it.

(Jokes aside, I used to be one of those "Apple haters", but now I have an iPhone, an iPad, Apple TV, and I'm probably going to start a GoFundMe for the $10,000 version of the Apple Watch because that's currently the ballinest shit that I can do)

*That was mean
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Pitching in fantasy baseball might not be the most important ingredient to success out there, but having consistency certainly matters. That is exactly what people are looking for with a potential ace on their squad. One guy seems to be a clear-cut number 1 option in fantasy baseball, but who else should be drafted fairly early?

Clayton Kershaw had a remarkable season last year, as he was able to win the Cy Young Award and MVP trophy in the National League. Even though his postseason pitching was mediocre, Kershaw is still considered to be in a class of his own as far as fantasy baseball standards are concerned. He’ll be gone by mid-first round in most standard leagues.

The only other pitcher who has a chance to be drafted in the 1st round is Felix Hernandez. He is someone who has been the most consistent pitcher in the American League in the last few years. The one thing that is always hurt him a little bit is a lack of run support, but Seattle looks to have their best team in quite some time in 2015. This could be a banner season for the right-hander.

Max Scherzer became a very rich man in the offseason, as he signed a new contract with the Washington Nationals. Now comes the tough part as he needs to show that he is worth all that money. Washington does feel like they have one of the best teams in the game, so that will give him a little bit of support.

Recent news about Chris Sale has some people in fantasy baseball very scared. The left-handed pitcher is trying to get back on track after suffering an injury at his home. The good news is that it happened early in spring training, so he will be missing fewer games that actually matter. It might just scare some people off to draft him though, even after looking at his outstanding numbers in 2014.

Finally, people still remember Madison Bumgarner dominating in the postseason last year for the San Francisco Giants. He might not be the most productive pitcher in fantasy baseball, but he gets results in big games. He will sneak into the top 5 this year thanks to his excellent command and his ability to stay relatively durable.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

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God damn.  Kim looks like she just came out of a Green Day concert and/or cast Avada Kedavra on an entire daycare full of children .  Don't get me wrong, I'm into it obviously, but still, why?  Wait, I know why.  

Kanye watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the first time on ABC Family 2 days ago, saw Lucius Malfoy, immediately called him an uncountable number of offensive white people names, and finally admitted that he had swag.  This ultimately lead him to telling the barely sentient pair of glutes (aka his wife) that she should rock that look.  I mean, he just released the "All Day" CDQ on iTunes so he can't miss right now.  

Look at 'Ye, checking the surrounding area for Patronuses like the good husband that we know he is.

Monday, March 2, 2015

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A) This seems completely safe and ok.  I literally see no way that this could go wrong.

B) Somebody finally gave the homie, Pedobear, a real, actual job.  It's been too long, my g.  Too long.


Jokey jokes aside, Jesus Christ, Japan.  What in the shit is wrong with you guys?  Were regular nurses no longer viewed as "hot in the streets" anymore?  Are you guys trying to expedite the inevitable robot takeover?  Either way, this is bad news (BEARS). Come see me in the streets if you're not about the #dadjoke puns.  Frankly, I was convinced we were going out via Skynet style robots shooting laser beams.  Not by some bears that look like they belong on the anime block of Adult Swim, but such is life.   

Friday, February 20, 2015

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It goes without saying, but I have been listening to a whole lot of Ja Rule on this glorious Friday. Really making a day of it, actually.  More specifically, I've been listening to an intense amount of "Put It On Me."  And by "intense amount", I mean I've listened to it like 6 times in a row.  Look, I know that's not advisable, healthy, or remotely sane, but a jam is a jam.  My hands were tied.

So, after listening to this damn song a thousand times, I started getting some ideas.  Yes, most of these "ideas" can be classified as "COKE DREAMS" or something of that ilk, but they were ideas nonetheless.  With that said, I immediately began to convince myself that "Put It On Me" was quite possibly the greatest romantic ballad of all time.  You can see it play out in real time on my Twitter:







Existential crisis or brilliant realization? You decide.  Just kidding, it was brilliant.  So brilliant that I truly suggest changing the game this wedding season and let Ja take the reigns in expressing your love to your future life partner.  Gone with the boring "I will be by your side until my last breath" and in with the "CUZ EVERY THUG NEEDS A LADY" I say.  It's 2015, be your own person a little bit.

Face it, you planned a wedding, spent a shit ton of money, and you're exhausted.  You don't have time to get the creative juices flowing to form truly meaningful and heartfelt vows.  Ja did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.
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It's safe to say that, as a dude, shopping with any type of woman is the worst experience ever.  We know all too well that "I just want to look at this dress" is a cryptic and extremely complex message that essentially means "Your soul belongs to me for the next 2-3 hours."  And you know what?  We go because we're scared, guys.  We're really scared.

In the rare occasion that I have to shop for anything, I either dart into the store and buy it within 5 minutes or have a mild panic attack and become stricken with anxiety for 15 minutes.  In both instances, I'm in and out reasonably quickly.  Everything changes when your mom, girlfriend, friend that's a girl, or sister brings you into a store, though.

Shopping with girls is an adventure akin to one of those "Choose your own fate" Goosebumps books.  Trips filled with plot twists, secret traps, and tough decisions.  Mess around and end up in Narnia if you're not careful.