Wednesday, August 20, 2014

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People need to chill, man.  Develop a hobby, get in shape, maybe start writing a blog to complain about menial shit. I don't know.  Just something other than ruining my childhood please.

Also, you can't throw up "Genie" lips like that without paying respect to the late great, Robin Williams.  So overt, so mean.

If you're going to do Popeye, you can't shortchange him on the forearms.  I mean, those are big, but not radioactive spinach (aka anabolic steroids) big, ya know?  Mad disrespectful.

Got Bugs Bunny out here looking like a velociraptor/animated Chris Bosh.  This girl keeps finding lines to cross, man.

I know this isn't racist, but given the current racial landscape in America, I'm going to go out on a limb and be offended by this.  2014 - still terrible!

Well this is a nightmare.  Literally and figuratively.  But you know what?  There is still some dude that will go for it after a few Bud Lights and a shot of whiskey.  Because we don't care.

This one is actually really impressive.  I still hate you, random girl, but you can fux around with some stencils in the mirror better than most.  

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

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You know what I say to this?  CLOSE ENOUGH.  We can all get into that fruitless "Jesus looked a certain way" conversation another time, but there is no denying what Yeezus looks like.  When you spit the verse he spit on "New God Flow" you earn the right to get brown MS Paint splotches tossed on the (literal) God in order to transform into the new GAWD.  Makes perfect sense to me.

These other ones do, too:

Hey bruh, the lipstick added nothing to this transformation, but whatever floats your boat, dawg.

I mean, if you never "woke up like dis", did you even really wake up?  Are you even alive?  Can you even?  Are you literally dead?  

Any opportunity that we can remind ourselves that JT looked like a Grade-A asshole, we have to take it.  Can't let him get too big for his britches, ya know?

The way I see it, any time you can put a cat on top of your head, you have to do it.  This dude probably puts cats on his head all of the time and patiently waited 30 years for a scenario so topical enough that he can say all of it was worth it.  Probably.

2014 has been a terrible year.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

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Call me crazy, but I kind of like the approach by this guy.  Sure, he's dead and what not, but he really went for it.  Like, there is no denying that this dude was trying to win this race and basically lived out the overall concept of 50 Cent's hit album "Get Rich or Die Trying" minus the 'any possibility of becoming rich' part.

Yes, MAYBE he could have fallen more gracefully and defended his face from smacking directly onto the track, but people would have obviously questioned his effort if that happened.  When you evacuate the use of all of your extremities in the final stretch of a race, it can be confirmed that you actually gave a shit.  RIP, though.
Friendly PSA: if you ran track competitively and you weren't a sprinter, you were a nerd.  I'm sorry.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

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I don't think any group of people hate anything more than white people hate accidentally ending up in the ghetto.  Granted, I'm not a fan of unexpectedly ending up in a random ghetto either, but, ya know, I just turn around.  Don't need to make an app (SketchFactor) for it or scream from the highest mountain about a sudden and terrifying influx in minorities.  Just do the standard, "Oh shit, I have to leave IMMEDIATELY" to yourself and hit a quick U-Turn, like normal people.

Hopefully their logo is understated and doesn't raise a sliver of controversy:

Oh, sweet.  It's a black-faced bubble icon with "sketchy" looking eyes.  Understated and most definitely not racist.  Nope.  No sir.  Know why it's not racist?  

Rule #1 of not being racist is to state, overtly, that you're not a racist.  An old trick from the Civil Rights era.

Sing it, Dave!

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

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Hey, ya know what?  It happens.  Sometimes you wake up one day and you become a robot with no emotions, thoughts, or melanin.  The b/w Instagram filter sometimes giveth and other times it makes you look like you run on triple-A batteries.  

Maybe the lack of fame post-Run's House has finally took it's toll.  Perhaps his facial expression is just a web page that hasn't loaded yet.  We'll never know.  

Monday, August 4, 2014

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For those situations where you want to just relax on the couch, but your boy might call you and ask if you want to go to the club even though you don't want to go, but you don't want anyone calling you a bitch behind your back so you end up going even though you're definitely not changing out of your sweatpants.

You like sweatpants, but you hate drawstrings, being gainfully employed and you also kind of like jeans.

For the man that has seen too much shit in his life to really care about the logistics of where/how he pees in a pair of sweatjeans

I might play basketball after school and these pants just make sense

"My left leg just fell asleep. HA! Get it?! Because it's being lazy and wearing sweatpants.  LOLOLOL"

The "I haven't caught a bid in awhile so let's just expedite the process" look of the summer

Couldn't think of one good thing to say about these pants.  Ya know what?  The best thing a guy can do in a situation like this is recognize that he's been defeated.  That's right.  I'll take the L to this godless article of clothing and live to fight another day.

Friday, August 1, 2014

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h/t Reuters

I'm not gonna lie, I absolutely love this move by France. Already got a stranglehold on the wine game, so why not get their foot in the door of the not-being-little-pussies game. What's the point of getting between a terminally ill person from his/her blackout induced hookups and Sunday morning sweats anyway?

What do you think of when you think of France? Cheese eating, stuck-up, pencil thin mustache having whiny punks, right? Look. Tough beat for France, but we pretty much all view them as pussies. Like the Irish are drunks, the Russians are criminally insane, Australia is pretty much one big bar fight, and the French are pussies. Just the natural order of the world. That's why this is an Eiffel Tower sized middle finger right in the haters' eyes.

P.S. Way to totally steal my thunder, France. Anybody who really knows me knows I plan on living the shit out of life when I a) get old and decrepit or b) get a terminal illness. I'm talking getting an IV of sweet sweet booze. Blow in the morning, blunts at night, maybe dabble in some heroine. So thanks, France, you fucking pussies. Way to make me look like a copy cat.

Monday, July 28, 2014

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The internet has been around for awhile now and I can say with total confidence that this is the worst thing that has come out of it.  I've been to the deepest, darkest regions of the information super highway and have seen some shit that I definitely shouldn't have seen, but goddamn, this is extremely horrible.  

In all seriousness, I've become less funny because I watched this 6 second comedic travesty.  It's like a MonStar from Moron Mountain came down and absorbed the humor from my fingertips as soon as I heard "broom, broom", man.

Hey snuff films and inappropriate imagery, you  just got put on notice.  Disgustingly unfunny vines that have ironically high amounts of views are the new sheriffs in Internet Hell.
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First thing that I thought of when I saw this picture was:

Like, what is Phil Jackson even doing right now?  When you have an athlete of this caliber standing among regular civilians at a destination wedding with no NBA contract, someone is making a mistake.  Yeah,  I know she's a female, but the WNBA might have to refinance 50 of it's loans in order to pay the contract that this girl would be demanding. 

What do you do if you're her boyfriend?  Just get dunked on all day?  Imagine if every time your girl had a rough day at the office, she'd come home and ask you to stand under the hoop in the backyard so she can throw it off the backboard and emasculate you before dinner.  Call me old-fashioned, but I'd be pretty steamed if that happened to me.

Friday, July 25, 2014

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Oh ho hum, dad's being a dick again.  Let's gang up on pops one more time for trying to add a little flair into your life, little girl.  What's dad's role in the toddler stages of life anyway?  Provide some shoulder rides here and there? Make sure you don't die?  Playing court jester when Mom is fed up with taking care of you?  Maybe nose larceny isn't our "best" option, but as you can see, we don't have much to deal with.  Grow up, baby.

(Disclaimer: Getting your nose stolen was the worst thing that can happen to you when you were a dumb, stupid, little baby.  Completely sympathize with this girl.  Horror show scenario)

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