Friday, November 30, 2012

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First thought was, "LOLWUT?" and that was quickly followed by a second thought of, "Oh yeah, duh."

Now it's official, I'm officially crazy by psychological standards. One of my co-workers decided to pass around this test to everyone during the tail end of a Friday and let's just say I lied about my score because apparently I'm crazy.

Let's break down my list:

Authority: No lie, I thought the world LITERALLY revolved around me until I was like 12.

Self-Sufficiency: If any of my clothes get kinda-a-little stained, I just throw them away.

Superiority: There was a period of time when I refused to play basketball unless I was the point guard.

Exhibitionism: Sick bod? Check.

Exploitativeness: The red squiggly is telling me this isn't a word, so I'm going to assume this doesn't exist.

Vanity: I've written my own blog about myself for over 3 years.

Entitlement: No. I just expect everyone to read all of my blogs immediately after I post them.

If you want to take out this super wack, non-descript test, be my guest. It's not accurate at all and proves nothing.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

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Straight up fantastic. Nothing else to say about this other than the fact that he definitely has a voodoo doll of Seth MacFarlane in his bedroom. I also laughed out loud during the Cleveland part. Haven't laughed at a Youtube video since like '09.

His Joe was pretty mehh, I'll say it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

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This is a preposterous thing to say, I know. But shit, can I brotha have a chance? With the numbers I have, all this ends up being is a transaction where I give a young man of Indian descent two dollars for nothing in return. Just me giving a guy two dollars for no reason. Maybe he's a friendly dude, but not worthy of a random 200 cents.

With that said, I'm not enthused about the drawing tonight. It's much ado about nothing when you're given numbers that don't allow you to succeed or flourish. I'm just a dude with essentially a blank sheet of looseleaf paper trying to participate in the "See you guys tomorrow...maybe!" office jokes and Twitter/Facebook banter. Good luck to everyone else tonight, I'll be on the sidelines clapping with tears held back.

PS. If I win, this will be the first, second, third...five thousandth thing I will do:
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I know there are some real nerds working at the Creepbook, but this is ridiculous. If it wasn't before, it's abundantly clear to me that most of the FB IT department is full of socially inept brainiacs and dudes that used to receive daily swirlies. I get that. What I don't get is how, in the year 2012, it's possible to mistake a set of breasts for elbows. Shit like this should get you exiled and all the testosterone sucked out of your body immediately. Boobs are awesome, elbows aren't. I don't see how such an egregious error could have possibly been made.

On a sidenote, who took this picture? As much as we shit on the in-front-of-the-mirror-duck-face pic, there hasn't been much backlash on the person-that-takes-pictures-of-someone-else-in-awkward-scenarios person. Those people are the highest grade of lunatic.

Begs the question of who is worse? The chick asking, "Can you take a picture of me while I'm in the bath tub, please?" or the person responding with, "Sure. That's completely fine with me."

Basically the "Why did the chicken cross the road?" of 2012. Mayan apocalypse is 100% on.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

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I already know the answers to the questions you're going to ask.

"Is this dumb?"
-Clearly, this man is outside of his mind.

"Is this the cockiest guy ever to live?"
-If not, he's easily top five.

"But how does he get the mail?"
-You don't need mail when you live in a 5 story mega-mansion in the middle of the highway.

Outrageous/Hilarious story, picture, and video. This guy just defines the male species perfectly. Impossibly stubborn, on a constant quest to have a dick swinging contest and most of all, refusing to move out of his weird mega-mansion when the government tries to build a highway through his house. The Y-chromosome is truly flourishing with this guy. Dude straight up has nowhere to go at any given point in time, zero way to provide for his family, and he has to look both ways whenever he opens the door.

Never gave up that deed, though.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

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So douchey, so socially unaware AND one of them wears sunglasses indoors?! By God, we may have struck gold, everybody. Never before have two flagrant douchbags been captured on such a stage with such a perfect reaction. He even took off his glasses for a Dwight Howard dunk! Spectacular.

First things first, that half in-awe - half confused look on the guy on the left's face is something only a true megatron bro can master. You know he shreds something, whether it be a guitar, a skateboard, a surf board or various blond girls and he undoubtedly is apathetic about everything except those things and Dwight Howard. I also love the cronie. Only a true goon/henchman can capture the "I'm going to copy exactly what he's doing in drastically less cool fashion" move like this kid can. Impressive duo, I hope they end up on The Today Show or some shit. It'd truly be a treat to see their views on the world.

Big promotion:

Your Wedding Day:

Birth of your first child:

You wrote a sick blog:

Monday, November 19, 2012

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You ever text someone and have them immediately call you seconds after you pressed "send"? This instantly prompts a:"Why didn't you just respond to my text?" question with the inevitable, "Sorry, I'm just a bad texter" answer. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's the worst thing that can happen in the world. I know there is socioeconomic plight, the fear of war, and the Mayan apocalypse, but this fits right in there.

It's 2012, this is officially the year where it's straight up dickish to call yourself a "bad" texter. Before we dive in, a bad texter is a person that:

-Calls immediately after you text them
-Has a baseline knowledge of T9 and almost no understanding of QWERTY/Auto-correct
-Gets upset when they receive texts
-Somehow still gets charged per-text
-Repeatedly MisEHPelsl words in an effort to frustrate you into not texting them

I bet one of these assholes still uses a polyphonic ringtone too. I can almost imagine how it was back in the olden times.

"Why are you still scraping a rock on that slate? We have scrolls now, bro."

"Ya know, I'm don't really get scrolls, or pens for that matter. I've been using this rock and this other rock for a long time and it has served me well."

The dude that used the scroll probably got hung or castrated because that's what they did to unreasonable people back then. Now we have a select few heroes people that write whiny blogs about them and complain until something gets done. Don't let the world pass you by, guys.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

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That's basically all there is to say to start things off. There is some real ugly, nasty stuff going on here and I'm not even going to try to make sense of anything. Let's discuss:

1) Dude in Green turtleneck/scarf combo on the left is all the way turn't up for the atrocities that are occurring.

2) The combination of standing on a ledge and looking the way she does means the singer is either Christina Aguilera or Nicki Minaj. No one wins.

3) The guy on the right didn't attend the choreography rehearsals and is stuck on punch-mode.

4) I'm pretty sure the words in the back are completely random and that there is a 75% chance of it all being Microsoft WordArt.

5) I have nothing to say about the boob-heaving, seizure-having, split-performing thing that took up most of the screen.

UPDATE: Just watched the last 5 minutes of the AMAs and saw Psy performing with MC Hammer to close out the show. In other news, music took itself out to the shed and shot itself.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

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Very serious question: Can Johnny Depp ever play a regular guy? Like, he always has to be some wacky character that at some point or another, gets drugged out. Walking around with hedge clippers attached to his hands, funny hats, and weird accents all God damn day. Can we get a role where you are a functioning human person with real problems in real situations, or is that too much? It's also very safe to assume John has no idea who he is anymore. Must be a terror to deal with if he's your father. Jumping from Willy Wonka to that sad sap from "Blow" when you just need him to pass the syrup.

As a sidenote, do you think he responds to "John" or "Jonathan"? No, right? It has to be assumed that when you intersplice your identity into different creatures/aliens/psychopaths, you probably don't respond to the name on your birth certificate.
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This is becoming a legitimate problem for me. No matter how hard I try, I always sound like somebody you'd want beat up whenever I talk to Siri. Even if I'm just trying to tell that bitch to wake me up in 20 minutes, it has to be in the most proper, borderline high-pitched tone I can muster. I just put some food in the oven and literally cleared my throat like 9 times before setting the alarm and still ended up sounding like Elmo an alleged pedophile puppet.

And you know Siri's judging, wondering if I can use some sort of cheat code to add more base to my voice.

Also, can't be happy when pictures like this surface shortly after you're about to publish the post:

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

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Probably going to start spending my Saturdays at Home Depot and start going to bed before "The Tonight Show" comes on with the rate I'm going.

A little context behind my initial tweet. As soon as I turned 25, the clock to "when Dub is going to eventually die" officially started to tick. My knees hurt whenever I just consider playing a sport, if I stay up ONE minute past midnight I start to become instantly sick and I'm starting to figure out what a "savings account" actually means. All startling things. The most startling thing has to be what happens to my body whenever I eat food. At first I thought it was when I ate shitily, you know, things like burgers, subs, pizzas, etc. So I tried to eat healhy and the same result occurred. I don't want to dive into what happened, but in summary it's basically everything that the TUMS bottle says it'll cure.

So as a dude that's entirely too comfortable in his own skin and with a slight God complex, I decided to tweet to the masses about my new affliction. Ya know, maybe snag a retweet here and a Twitter HJ (aka "Favorite") there. All was well and good until I woke up today and saw the most startling, life-affirming tweet of all time. The fucking verified TUMS twitter account tweeted me and not only did they tweet me, they made fun of me. Droppin' wink faces and hypothetical past lives on me like it was nobody's business. Almost made me start crying and shit. Well, jokes on you TUMS because the Smoothie flavor tastes like disgusting and a Smartie had a terrible, terrible baby.

This is an open, childish ultimatum for TUMS. Unless you plan on sponsoring A Working Man's Diary, stop being so mean, guys. C'mon.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

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Just a perfect video for anyone who thought they had a rough day. By all accounts, I had a pretty shitty day. Piles of work, Mom on my back and my god damn foot hurts. And then you see a video of a hilariously determined, hammered Asian gentleman struggling to defy physics and everything automatically becomes better.

Hate the lady that's all, "You're going to get hurt!" Back off, bitch, let my man keep chugging along. It was your fault for not taking the stairs when you see something like that brewing. Just be like every other bystander and keep it moving. Maybe tell your friends a racially insensitive Psy joke, I don't know.

T-Minus 30 seconds before I'm dead if I ever attempted this slightly buzzed. Like 1.5 Mike's Hard Lemonade buzzed. Reverse escalators are just tough to deal with.

Monday, November 12, 2012

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This has to be it for the KKK, right? I mean it's at that point where their klan rallies are getting rolled on by a bunch of floppy, red-shoed, potential pedophiles. The pure definition of rock bottom.

I wonder what the mindset is for someone who is just PUMPED to join the klan. At this point you can't hate non-whites that much. Too many sports stars, entertainers, and prominent public figures are minority that you're bound to accidentally be a fan of one. In fact, I bet there are thousands of racist whites that have no idea that Blake Griffin is half-black. Probably throwing out emails to the Grand Dragon wizard with "White Men Can Jump! Fuck Those *******" in the subject line and attaching a Blake highlight video off Youtube. There have to be tons of Clayton Bigsbys out there ingesting cyanide pills and burning their Austin Rivers rookie cards.

Clowns will never make sense to me. Always 100% terrifying and had no real gimmick. Water gun flower, nose honker, infinite colorful cloth under their sleeve, big shoes, and a whoopie cushion. Shit sucked.

PS. Does this technically mean that A Working Man's Diary is attacking the KKK with humor too?
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Some people call it petty larceny, but I call it a way of life. The way I see it, I'm just doing my part to continue the time honored American tradition of thwarting Monopolies. Because if you say you have seen this hot sauce anywhere but inside of a Chipotle, you're a liar and disgust me.

True fact: I have never stolen anything in my life until I stole my first Smoked Tabasco Hot Sauce from Chipotle. It just never seemed worth it to me - not until now. That shit is so good it's petty larceny. The combination of being flavorful, not oppressively hot and versatile just can't be beaten. It's good on: burritos, any meat/seafood, pizza, rice, noodles, bread, cheese, probably Pop Tarts and most definitely eggs. It basically tastes like your favorite team winning the Super Bowl in your mouth.

With that said, you're a pansy, merit badge holding, certified bitch if you don't at least consider stealing it every time you're at Chipotle. Take off life's training wheels and live a little. If you're scared to do it, here's how:

1) Take a shit load of napkins so the "grab" motion everyone sees seems natural.

2) Throw all sorts of things in your bag and look a little confused like you're just grabbing forks, spoons and straws for the hell of it.

3) Slyly (and I stress SLYLY) grab the Smoked Tabasco Flavored hot sauce. If you accidentally grab another flavor, may God help your soul.

4) Wink at the other person attempting to steal too and give them a mental air dap.

5) Walk out of Chipotle. You won...until next time.

PS. This all applies to Baja Mountain Dew, but with less enthusiasm and slightly more confused disgust.

Friday, November 9, 2012

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You're so right, Nicole. It IS Thanksgiving and I think people were starting to forget about it.

So informative (thanks for listing the holidays!) and so timely (Thanksgiving is almost here). I can't write a better recipe for a better song. But bitch, I can write a better recipe for stuffing. I mean what the FUCK were you putting in there? Peas and Cap'n Crunch. That was embarrassing and ruined the entire song for me. And you're not fooling anyone with that cornish hen in the oven. Clean it up and re-release this track. You have the requisite amount of "Oh, oh, oh"s, but almost zero holiday related accuracy.

You did pull me back in when you used that cornish hen drumstick as a microphone though. Clever stuff.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

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I feel you, Kobe. I've been giving that same befuddled, aggressive look to everyone that walks by and says it's a day other than Friday. My body clock thinks today is Sunday, when in reality it's Thursday 2. Thursday 1 was actually Wednesday when I would have bet a kidney that it was Thursday. All confusing stuff.

I've never been more cataclysmically screwed over by day light savings than I have been this year. Might fuck around and miss Thanksgiving.

What day do you think it ACTUALLY is? Sound off in the comments you never sound off in.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

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I usually stay out of the political scene until a winner is decided because people are absolute idiots during election season. Making 2 paragraph long statuses of shit they copied and pasted from CNN, saying things like "learn the facts before you talk" and all sorts of stupidness. The dumbest people somehow have a stage and it's awful. Well, Obama won. I was happy with that, but I'm more happy in the country prospering. Let's back the dude because we're going to be in this spot until 2016. Now it's time for the funny:

1) Diane Sawyer was Blackout drunk:

-Hell, I can't blame her. You were a fool if you didn't once consider having a drink last night. Wolf was stressing me out with the "Breaking Updates" and the video screen was an utter mistake after the first 10 minutes.

2) LOL, White People:

-Clearly all black people look EXACTLY the same. We're pretty much all the same interchangeable rapper, basketball/football player/track runner, hoodlum with similar personalities. Get with the program, brah.

3) The Romneys goin' IN on some chocolate milk:
I always wondered what my life would be like if I never drank alcohol, got wild or wrote a blog. I'd probably be exactly like Mitt. Aside from being a robot, dude is Scrooge McDuck rich, Ann can get it, and he somehow figured out the magic secret to only have male children. Plus, I kinda liked his "I give up" speech last night. Classy.

4) Couple Asian dudes dancing horrifically bad:

They killed it. That's all I have to say about this.

5) "Otis" the semi-remix:

If I can buy stock in a person, I'd buy 1 gillion shares of Young Jeezy. Going to skyrocket for the next 4 days, then I'm selling the shit out of those things.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

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Here's the link everyone. Donate what you can as people in the New York/New Jersey area still need plenty of help.


Monday, November 5, 2012

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EVERY year with this shit. The Monday after Daylight savings is arguably the worst day of the year. Like, do you really want to be at the bar for another hour? If I stayed out for another 15 minutes on Saturday night, I would have purchased frozen White Castle cheeseburgers and probably would have thrown up. Not ideal. Instead I got a little sleep, was super confused all day Sunday and braced myself for the disaster that was Monday.

Didn't matter. Monday was even more awful than expected. I came into work, ate a bagel, procrastinated a bit, had a meeting and it was dark. Pitch black at like 1:04 PM. Oh, and I didn't mention that the temperature dipped to 0 degrees Kelvin today. Just all around perfect storm for Seasonable Affective Disorder. Let's go over the symptoms:

1) Difficulty waking: Check. Plus.

2) Decreased energy: Obviously.

3) Carbohydrate cravings: If gummy bears have carbs, I'm guilty as charged.

4) Increased appetite: Eh, not really.

5) Increased sleep: Not while Netflix still exists.

6) Weight gain: Nah. Still awesome looking.

7) Difficulty concentrating: It's taken me about 2 hours to write this blog.

8) Decreased libido:

9) Withdrawal from family and friends: Been in my room for like 4 hours straight

10) Depression/Irritability/Anxiety: Struggle city.

Are you afflicted? If you don't think you are, you probably are.

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Koshik is cocky. That's something we can gather from this picture alone. This elephant is feelin' himself and I can't knock it one bit. Once I started taking Spanish classes and found out what "Livin' La Vida Loca" meant, I was walking with an extra pep in my step too.

But then again, we have to come back to the fact that this is a Korean speaking elephant and that shit is absolutely hilarious. I can't pinpoint it, but it's definitely the funniest thing I will see today. Yes, I can go with the same, "the Mayans have won" yapping I would normally do in a situation like this, but it's too obvious. They won AWHILE ago. I just want to embrace this thing and have him chill on the ground with me while I perform calligraphy too. That guy is so lucky.

Can't wait for Steven Spielberg to get wind of this. He'll have Hanks, Norton and Clooney on the phone within 15 minutes in discussion for the knock-off "Planet of the Elephants" movie. It'll win so many Razzies.

Friday, November 2, 2012

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After my unexpectedly polarizing Halloween candy post, I figured that I would take it one step further and do an entire list. I may disowned, defriended and broken up with because of this list, but candy needs a definitive ranking:

#10-Kit Kats
An unsung hero in many respects. It's always in your candy jar and you're never that upset about it. Sure, you're not thrilled, but at any given moment you can probably crush like 17 fun-sizes in a half an hour.

#9-Hersheys Milk Chocolate Bar
While Hersheys Milk Chocolate Bar WITH ALMONDS is probably the worst candy ever, the original is as solid as solid gets. Versatile and effective in so many different ways. Will never wow you, but it will always pick up the tough yards you need. And smores, can't forget smores.

Skittles lead the league in making me sick and almost suffocating me, but I will never leave them. Just a straight up abusive relationship where I love the punishment. Sure, maybe they come out of the bag at 75 MPH and there's a 100% chance they'll get stuck in your teeth, but love is love.

My first sexy pick on this list. Twizzlers are the hot chick with zero personality in the candy world. Flashy as shit, terrible wrapping situation, and all around a weird eat. I respect the hell out of Twizzlers.

#6 Butterfinger
One of the most flawed candies of all time. Basically the Michael Vick of candy bars. So much talent, so much potential, but too many glaring flaws to ever be considered the best. HOW COME EVERY TIME I OPEN A BUTTERFINGER IT'S BROKEN AND CRUMBS GET EVERYWHERE AND IT GETS STUCK IN MY TEETH ALL THE TIME?

#5 Sour Patch Kids
Just a good time. Since I'm lame as fuck, this is as close to Molly and Ecstacy I'm ever going to get. Pixie dust on top of gummy children. Throw on some Dubstep and let's crush some SP Kids.

#4 Snickers
Much like Skittles, I think I'm going to die every time I eat a Snickers. Without fail I always choke on a rogue peanut bit that gets lodged in my esophagus. No shame in my game. Snickers is cocky and they know it. Just throwing anything they felt like into a pot, mixing it up and making a bomb ass candy bar. Don't even care that it's the most homoerotic candy bar out right now.

#3 Hershey's Cookies and Cream
This shit is like a unicorn. Any time you have it, you eat it so fast that you don't remember what happened. You black out, see weird wrappers all over the place and are left confused. Aside from that, there's no stopping white chocolate, choco-bits, and the swagger of a Hersey bar.

#2 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
If you don't like Reeses and have no allergies, you should be immediately catapulted into space. It's the simplest, most effective taste orgasm of all time. It has a downright foolish design, melts in anything over 32 degrees Fahrenheit and doesn't give you enough portion-wise. And with all that, it's still one of the most dominant candies to exist. Whatchu know about Reeses Puffs cereal?! (Seriously, I've never had it and would genuinely like to know)

#1) Gummy Bears/Worms/Sour Gummies
Gummies win this in a landslide. Not even a contest really. Show me a gummy bear from any generic pack of gummy bears and I will show you the best candy on the planet. The formula is so potent that it just gets better regardless of the creature. Why we decided on bears and worms, we'll never know, but whoever figured this out should win at least 5 Nobel Prizes. Now someone pour some sour dust on these things and turn on the fucking Dub Step!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

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Well aside from the obvious fact of my childhood being over, this is the most outrageous picture I think I have ever seen. I know this blog is pretty much exclusively hyperbole, but I really mean it this time. Most outrageous picture of my life.

Fucked up things to observe:


2) I'm like 68% sure that's Link from "Legend of Zelda" with his arm wrapped around the princess.

3) Toad #1 and Toad #2 are naked as hell

4) That's a Yeti in the bottom right of the picture. There was never a Yeti in any Super Mario game.

5) Goombas and Turtles are inexplicably floating. No longer threats. It seems very peaceful in Mushroom Kingdom.

6) Is this a video game or an album? The "Original Soundtrack" in the top left is in English. Could be an R&B album--worth investigating.

The 5-year old in all of us just jumped off a roof.
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Big whoop. So what if this horse successfully painted a picture of himself? That shit was in 2D. You can accidentally paint anything in 5 minutes if there is zero artistic skill involved. Where's the shading? Do horses get a free-pass when it comes to things like angles, depth and realism, or is "Justin" getting entirely too much credit?

Sure, you may think I'm hating on this horse, but damn, drawing a self-portrait in art class was by far the most difficult academic activity I ever had to perform. Took me like 8 months and always, without fail, looked like shit. Can't have Justin-the-plain-named-horse coming out here and getting all this CNN shine. Just because you're using your mouth, have hooves, and don't understand the concept of art doesn't let you make a mockery of my life like that. It ain't that easy.

Color me unimpressed.