Thursday, December 31, 2015

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Table of Contents:

-Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

-Just kidding, New Year's Eve is trash

-So Trash

-So So Trash

-Chip Kelly got fired

-Some NBA Stuff

-Holiday Cheer

Thursday, December 24, 2015

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Lots to unpack with this one. But first off, man oh man what in the holy hell was that?

I'm initially put off by the 1950s-era tiny white girl that was most certainly a strong racist, but then she kicks it up a terrifying notch by asking for the worst Christmas gift ever - a fucking hippopotamus. Hey little girl, you know what a hippo is, right?

If you're down to see grandma get ripped to shreds by a physiologically confusing water beast then I am completely off base and in the wrong here. If not, then maybe reassess your life, ma. Sit yourself down and question your childhood, upbringing, and every single hope/wish you've ever had because somewhere down the line something fell apart. I mean, god damn. Even the cutest hippopotamus is kinda a piece of shit.

Look, even HE knows he's a piece of shit. Your best case scenario is acquiring a greasy miniature water beast that doesn't even respect itself. Plus your entire squad is talking behind your back, asking themselves whether or not they want to be your friend anymore:

I know this is roughly 65 years too late, but get your shit together. Ask for a dollhouse. Maybe a soccer ball. Hell, take a shot and ask for a radio flyer wagon and try to stunt on all the other basic betches in the culdesac.

PS. Your dancing was fire. Don't let anyone take that away from you, potentially racist little girl.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

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FYI, it sounds like I'm talking into a shoe the entire episode.  Which, honestly, isn't that far from the truth.  Thanks for listening!

-Life Updates
-Chipotle made the entire BC basketball team poop
-Chipotle has some fraudulent burrito rollers
-Victoria Secret Fashion Show
-Donald Trump is through with Muslim people
-Batman vs. Superman - what is this movie actually about?

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

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Let's do a quick timeline to really dig into the depths of Molly's psyche.  As we can see above, Molly came through and really fucked that fence up.  Like she really rolled her fat ass over every coil to ensure the most damage possible.  She also looks *kinda* cute in the second pic, playing all coy and shit.  Can't help but respect that move.

But then things take an irrational twist:

She's PISSED and no one really knows why.  Just irrationally upset at the world and screaming at you for no reason.  This is all starting to make sense.

Now Molly appears to be crying.  We went from destructively content, to livid, to tears in a span of about 15 minutes.  Things are starting to add up.

Molly was just hangry as hell (you know that mythological disease that only affects women where they are irrationally upset/sad/every emotion until they receive food, even though they never mentioned that they were hungry to begin with?).  Everything makes sense now.  Chicks, man.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

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Thanksgiving Time
High School Reunion Season
What do we do when girlfriends are away?
NBA Update
General Sports Talk

Friday, November 6, 2015

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We back.  Just a typical batch of terrible sports analysis, hot takes, and mild racism, all mixed with sudden onset seasonal depression!

Table of Contents:

- Fake Podcast Ads
- Bad NBA Preview
- Khaki Pants Suit looking dudes
- NFL Talks
- How was San Francisco, Sean?
- Quick Halloween Costume Update

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

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We've all seen the memes, the gifs, practiced the dance in front of the mirror like no one was watching, cried when it was over, watched it again, etc.  But, like, let's talk about it.  Seriously, let's square up, look each other in the eye and have a good ol' fashioned blogger to productive human conversation about what really transpired.

About a week has passed since the video came out and changed everything we know about music, dancing, Timberland boots, and turtlenecks.  This has given us all time to decompress and assess what the fuck just happened.  

1) The memes, fam.  The memes.

I'm as millennial as the next inexplicably entitled artisanal cheese lover, but god damn these memes have been too much.  My brain can't process them.  One second Drake's tossing pepperoni's on a DiGiorno and the next he's playing Wii Tennis with Doug the god damn Pug.  I mean, I laughed, but the volume was downright troubling.

2)  Dancing is different now. Forever.

In my mind, after like 3.5 drinks I'm a top 5 bar/wedding reception dancer.  Welp, I don't even know what dancing is anymore because whatever Drake did was kind of transcendent.  Like, you know those crackheads you see on the street just dancing their crack-filled ass off despite their Coby headphones being attached to nothing but air?  It was just like that, but substantially less depressing.  We just needed someone to capture the innocence and jubilance of a person addicted to crack without all of that messy crack involved.  Drake cracked the code.

3)  Where do Timberlands stand now?

As an avid and proud Timberland boot wearer, I don't know what has become of my boots.  Their value is all over the place from a socioeconomic standpoint.  It's nothing new that a rapper is wearing Timbs, but has a rapper ever worn them with a turtleneck and sweatpants, while doing something resembling a molly-fueled cha cha slide?  The answer is fuck no.  As a result, I've been staring my Timbs directly in the laces everyday for like 5 minutes just hoping that they'll one day learn to talk and provide an explanation, or some guidance for that matter.  Do I throw them away?  Do I buy a shit ton of turtlenecks?  Questions everywhere.

4) The song's fire

It's been fire and you know Drake used some sort of complicated algorithm to determine the best time to release the video.  I know that because he brought a fucking lint roller to a playoff basketball game.  Because lint loves nothing more than high stakes basketball, Aubrey.

That's all.  Just had to let the dust settle a bit before I figured out what I needed to say.

(When you drop a fire thinkpiece, but include a meme essentially contradicting everything you just wrote, but also are you going to finish your fries yes those fries?)

Monday, October 12, 2015

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Seriously, where are they?  Remember Tom Chambers?  And....half of Blake Griffin?  Man, those were the days.

Pod Table of Contents:

-Recapping the GoldenPalace.Com Monkey saga
-Friday nights then vs. now
-Ugly babies
-Is having babies trash?
-Field Goals and Knuckleballs
-Chip Kelly is a genius. So is Sam Hinkie
-Dunk Contest
-Racial Dunk Contest - are there any white dunkers?
-Seriously are there any good white dunkers in the NBA?

Thursday, October 1, 2015

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-Had a hiatus
-Football's back and everyone sucks except Brady and Rodgers
-Fantasy Football
-Not sure why, but we got into the golden palace monkey, biology, and animals in general
-Traveling to bolivia
-Girlfriends making us watch the super blood moon

We back!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

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Never thought I'd utter this sentence, but honestly, this chameleon is everything.  Seriously.  You couldn't be more #unbothered if you tried, fam.  Not since JordanLayingInTheGrassWithTerribleJeansOn.jpeg, have we seen the likes of this:

Eating flies and avoiding predators can wait for 15 minutes when you're playing the leaf banjo and catching some z's on what appears to be a wildly uncomfortable root. 

PS. Yeah.  I forgot I had a blog for like a month.  Whoops.  But, like the consummate blogging professional that I am, I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen and never acknowledge this accidental hiatus ever again.  Hit it, Dave!

Monday, August 24, 2015

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Welcome back.  Work's trash.  This podcast is slightly less trash.  Listen.

Table of Contents:

-Taylor Swift might be worth switching to Apple Music?
-Getting old, teens are scary
-Casual racism
-Bebop and Rocksteady, TMNT
-Godzilla was bad
-Jared from Subway
-Deez Nuts
-Eat a lobster roll from McDonalds
-We're going to Kansas to Catfish everybody?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

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My god, what a hero.  If that's not a "On my way to steal your girl" face, I don't really know what is. On second thought, this might be a "ZOMG I just climbed 700 feet to the top of this crane without opposable thumbs and I've got to take a shit" face, but who's really counting here.

Got to give this guy some credit.  He sought out a challenge, put himself in position to succeed, and won.  Once you disregard the fact that "winning" means high altitude dumpage and start to appreciate this little critter for his willpower and determination, life suddenly starts to make sense.  And, to be honest, if you replace pooping with peeing, I'm right on board with this plan.  Don't lie, fellas. There was nothing more satisfying than peeing from a distance.  Personally, I used to stand outside of the bathroom door and see if I could pee in the toilet, so I completely see where this raccoon was coming from.  

No matter how much we talk about technological and social advancements, it's evident that society isn't fully ready for next-level extreme excrement.  SMH.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

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Introducing the GOOD ENOUGH Podcast.  We finally got a name.  It's not bad, it's not great.  It's good enough.  There we go.

Table of Contents:

Boston is Bougie

AC Juice falling from the sky

Philly, what happened?

Did we invent a new sport?

Summer kinda sucks.  Admit it, it does.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

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Oh.  This is wonderful.  Not like snails are gross or anything.  Let's just make them 10x their normal size and have them live in the trees in our neighborhood.  :-)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck all of this, yo.  This really might be the last straw for Florida.  As a state, as a structural entity, as an ensemble of atoms - I want Florida out of here.  First you had that dude eat another dude because he was on Florida manufactured drugs and now this.  No three-strike system when it comes to tree-dwelling snails that can poop on me and give me meningitis.  No siree.

My first reaction to seeing a SIGN telling me that there are GIANT LAND SNAILS in the area would be very similar to this:

Not even going to get into that second picture up top.  Just going to smooth avoid it and act like I never uploaded it.  Denial is the best strategy here.

It's time:

Monday, August 3, 2015

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"Hitchhiking robot that relied on human kindness found decapitated" is arguably the funniest shit I've read in this glorious year 2015.  Dude made it through Canada and parts of Europe, but as soon as he touches down in Philly, he gets his robot head cut off and his limbs strewn about in a gutter somewhere god damn.  But let's be honest, whoever lead this robot to Philly has to be somewhat at fault here.  On a hitchhiking tour of the United States, I'm pretty sure you can leave Philadelphia off the list and things would be quite alright.  I mean, they booed Santa Clause and cheered Michael Irvin breaking his neck on the football field so of fucking course they're going to decapitate a hitchhiking robot.  If this robot somehow survived, it would have been the upset of the century.  With all due respect to Philadelphia, of course.

Look, I'm not saying this has to do with Philly's reaction to Meek Mill's demise last week, but I am saying Drake probably killed this robot.  

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

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Hometown Weddings
Ty Lawson is drunk as hell
Going to work sucks
Unemployment, apparently, also sucks
TV Shows - True Detective, Ballers, Battlebots
Awkward Ending

Leaning towards the "Life is Trash Podcast" - is that too pessimistic? Or not pessimistic enough? Let us know!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

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Yes, I completely realize that this blog is morphing into a "yo, this guy only blogs about weird shit that happens in Japan", but honestly, I'm kind of cool with that.  That country just oozes bizarre blog content and this is my way of thanking them for it.

On the docket this week is a new game show (because Japan doesn't say no to game show pitches..god bless them) that features a bear attacking a woman in a glass box.  That's it, I think.  If you don't die, you win.  If you die, you might still win?  I'm not sure.  Can't tell when the game ends either.  Regardless, I'm fucking in.  When it comes down to it, you put any bear-related game show on TV and I'm watching.  Especially with horrible baseball on.  Jesus, when will that sport just stop with the charade and cut the season by 100 games.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the bear has fallen asleep, goodnight everyone!  See you next week maybe"

In other news, bears are becoming people more and more and we don't seem to care:

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

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Look, I'm not saying this is something we should have spotted a long time ago, but I am saying that the signs were all there.  Fat dude, limited mobility, tons of internet time, dry, mayonnaise-less sandwiches for 8 years straight?  Combine those things together and you can clearly see how a man can end up in the darkness like that.  Hell, if I eat a Subway sandwich with all the fixins, I'm liable to murder people solely on the grounds that the sandwiches are so trash.  

[Separate Subway Rant] Yo, why does every Subway smell like a horrible combination of hell, motor oil, and sweaty gym socks?  Bread doesn't smell like that.  Nothing natural smells like that.

Shout out to Subway for just tweeting through it, though.  Rule #1 of PR: if you never acknowledge it, it never happened.  

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

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We really need to come up with a name.  Suggestions?

Table of Contents:

-high functioning alcoholism

-stealing shit from work

-4th of July plans

-moving is the worst

-SCOTUS decision

-Facebook is terrible. It's all terrible

-NBA stuff for awhile (girls should stop listening for roughly 15 minutes)

-Luke Ridnour got traded 1000 times in 3 days

-An ode to Four Loko

Thursday, June 25, 2015

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Random inexplicable break at around the 37:30 mark.  All you missed is us saying some borderline inappropriate things about the idea of marriage.  No biggie.

Table of Contents:

1) What has happened since the WMD Podcast of 2012?

2) NBA Draft (girls, stop listening here or keep listening. I don't care)

3) Sports Science is stupid

4) What do NFL writers talk about in the offseason?

5) Antonio Cromartie vs. Kellen Winslow

6) Diddy beat up a guy with a kettlebell

7) NBA again (talk some stuff about Euro basketball)

8) Would you play sports overseas?

9) Podcast freezes right when I call Sean racist

10) Wedding Season


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

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Batten down the hatches, Japan is about to get loose this weekend.  Like, people might die. Seriously. After nearly 7 decades of not dancing, I'm pretty worried about how this is all going to turn out.  Limbs flailing, dudes pulling off moves that can be deemed as "downright dangerous", and assorted other catastrophes are all on the menu at the clubs this weekend.  Most of all, I'm worried about dudes that have been waiting for their time to shine after watching dances like the "Soulja Boy", "Lean Wit' It Rock Wit' It", "Dougie", "Nae Nae", and now the "Whip."  I can only imagine that going out on the dance floor blind with nothing but hopes, dreams, and fond memories of black people dancing awesome will only cause injury.

But yo, Japan is going to be LIT.  Keep an eye out for tons of pregnancies and deaths derived from lost dance battles this upcoming weekend.

Playstations and dancing?  Welcome back to the world superpower club, Japan.

Unrelated, but related:

Friday, June 19, 2015

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There are #SquadGoals and then there is sitting in a large simulation ramen bowl with the fam, extended fam, some neighbors, and few random people you found on the street.  The idea and overall concept of family bonding just got flipped on its head and I'm most certainly not missing out on this shit.

A top 5 mistake of my life was missing the boat on the selfie-stick craze.  Now I'm just some mark ass nerd that has to extend his arm an insurmountable distance to take a picture of himself.  Not again. I'm jumping on this ramen hot tub party idea before it's hot in the U.S. so I can get respected as a tastemaker again.

Have to respect Japan, though.  They come up with a shit ton of ideas, don't really vet them at all, and just see what sticks.  Like the red burger from Burger King for example:

This is a TERRIBLE fucking idea.  But you know what?  They went for it.  You know how dating advice columns always talk about how confidence is endearing and one of the best qualities a person can have?  Same goes for ideas.  Ipso facto, I now want to date and, one day, marry this burger because it was such a bold, irrational decision. 

Know what else was a terrible idea that somehow worked out? 

A tiny plumber ate a glowing star and violently murdered a couple of arm-less humanoids and poorly constructed "turtles" for no reason at all.  Nintendo is now worth ~18.4 billion dollars.

"Shooters gotta shoot, yo" - Japan

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

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I kind of pushed this one to the back of my mind since I've become an adult and the overall trash-ness of adulthood has managed to destroy some of my most prized childhood memories - like eating random food off the ground in video games.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Ground Pizza

Look at them.  They're perplexed as hell, but will ultimately decide that eating that ground pizza is a fantastic idea.  Plus Leonardo is injured.  He'll quite literally die if he doesn't eat from that generic pizza box on the ground of a construction site rooftop.  Their hands were tied.

Streets of Rage: Ground Turkey/Cupcake

First off, if these things are drawn to scale, that's either the biggest cupcake ever or the smallest, most disease-riddled turkey of all time.  Either way, something isn't adding up.  But, ya know, when the Streets are "Of Rage", beggars can't really be choosers.  If you got beaten over the head a few times by a random henchman with a lead pipe, ground turkey (WHERE DID THE PLATE COME FROM THOUGH) is likely your best option.

Crash Bandicoot: Ground Fruit (with no fruit tree in god damn sight)

I might let this one slide because Crash was a fucking savage, but yo, look around.  None of those trees are bearing sparkly fruits.  The homie Crash is running like that shit is the antidote or something.  Nah bruh, just another piece of ground food that inexplicably provides you with health or super powers in video games.

Super Mario Brothers: Ground Mushrooms

Speaking of super powers, much of Super Mario Bros. was spent chasing around smiling mobile mushroom in order to more than double in size.  Why did this happen?  No one cared to ask.  We were just like, "Oh, word?  None of that makes sense." and kept it moving like dumb little children.  Our parents definitely hated us.

Moral of the story: video games pointedly taught us to eat shit off the floor to gain strength, health, and supernatural powers and no one thought that was weird.  I urge you to think back to a time that a pizza fell on the floor and it made you excited because you thought eating it would improve your overall health profile.  Adulthood.  Trash for a myriad of reasons.


Has nothing to do with ground food, but remember when you attacked a chicken in Legend of Zelda and after awhile it'd tell its chicken crew to come through and fuck you up?  That was great.

Monday, June 1, 2015

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*hits blunt*

"But what about, like, a magnifying glass for your eyes"

We made it!  It's crazy how we, as humans, physically reached the Lord's year two thousand fifteen without a means to see objects clearer and at a distance.  You'd think we'd all end up accidentally walking into the traffic or crashing our cars into walls because of our complete inability to see anything.  Not anymore.  This is the future now.  Gone are the days of connecting large, uncomfortable magnifying glasses to your head via lever-pulley system.  Big Vision is here to ensure that you don't look ridiculous for once in your life.  And, in the event that you find yourself in the dark, they even blessed us with a clip-on LED light.  What a time to be alive.  Not only are we able to enlarge objects and make everyday tasks easier to do, but we are also able to do these tasks with a light on our head like we're foraging mines for gold in 1849.

Shoot your shot, Buy Big Vision.  Shoot your god damn shot, you slimy bastards.

Monday, May 4, 2015

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Look at him!  Despite his wife and the mother of his child looking like a 20 out of 10, Mr. Carter looks wild displeased about everything around him.  

Fellas.  We know EXACTLY what happened here.  Jay was in his tux, had his bow-tie tied around 7pm, and Beyonce decides to step into the bathroom to get ready at 7:30.  Don't worry, she says that she'll only be 45 minutes max.  Jay doesn't believe her, but whatever, he signed up for this.  Those "45" minutes turn into 3 hours, Jay's tux is wrinkled as fuck, but at least he has time to watch most of the basketball game on TV.  But wait!  Beyonce is magically ready with 4 minutes left in the game and she's yelling at Jay that they have to leave "right now."  Jay tries to explain that there are only a few minutes left and that he was ready 3 hours ago, but then he just gives up and sulks into the limo.  Beyonce doesn't notice or care.  He accepts that his tux will be wrinkled and that zero people will be looking at him anyway.  Scene.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is marriage in a nutshell.  Someone is always just a little bit upset at the other person and that person doesn't really give a shit.  As long as that's understood and balanced, everyone will live happily ever after.

Or not.  

Thursday, April 30, 2015

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I'm inches away from buying a selfie-stick.  Once again, I have succumbed to societal pressures, but, most importantly, I feel like I'm denying the world my flame emoji level selfies.  I have facial expressions to make and "likes" to acquire on Instagram.

With that said, you just have to own it.  Once you cross the line into "no one's trying to take a picture with me, but none of them matter anyway because my mama told me I'm handsome" territory, there's no point in hiding it with an old, dead looking white mannequin hand.  A selfie stick is more or less a statement that you're going at life alone, with no one to account for but yourself.  No need to create a false reality where you're carting around a dead person to validate yourself on social media.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

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It was all supposed to be all fun and games.  I was supposed to download this silly Chinese app, toss my picture in there, and have a few lighthearted and good-natured laughs.  As you can imagine, that didn't happen.

Yeah, sure.  Whatever you say, language I don't understand.  Usher me into an abyss of self-consciousness and facial-image issues with your whimsical aura of sunlight and vegetation with no sense of remorse.

Let me upload some pictures and see how realistic this can get.  I mean, what are the odds that these things can even capture my face and likeness, right?

Oh sweet Jesus no.  What flimsy-wristed, nut-hugger jean-wearing creature have I created?  How swaggerless is this cat?  Like, I might get beat up by association with this dude.  Let's try again...

Apparently the side profile view does not change my apparel.  This is bad.  This is very bad.  On the bright side, my teeth are so white they believe that #AllLivesMatter.  One more try...

FUCK.  If this creation could talk, it would beg for me to kill it.  I know it's an avatar I just created 5 minutes ago, but this dude just wants to die.  Came into the world, saw it's existence, and wanted nothing to do with life anymore.  

Initially, I blamed the app.  Like, why is this overseas-based web application trying to play me like this?  But then I realized that the key problem was the variable aka the person taking the picture aka me.  I'm the problem.  Guess I have to flee the country, change faces, and reappear to try this shit again at a later date like Nic Cage in 'Face Off' ™.  

The app portraying me without a penis all three times hurts the most.

Monday, April 13, 2015

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The second I found out that we had black people emojis, I tried to alert as many people as possible. Also, it finally allowed me to recognize Obama's presidency as an actual "thing."  So you can imagine my shock, sadness, and confusion when everyone responded back to me with "huh?" and "what?"

To my dismay, we did not, in fact, make it.  Contrarily, it revealed that Apple kind of thinks of black people as white aliens.  Not jumping to conclusions, just pointing out facts.  Similar to Jelly Belly jelly bean mathematics, according to the iPhone emoji system, a black emoji with a dark caesar haircut = one white dude with a regular cut + an alien.  

Ipso facto, Steve Jobs always thought black people were just white aliens.  Dude was truly a visionary.  Probably explains that extra muscle in our legs, y'all.  Glad we cleared all that up.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

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We all knew it would happen eventually, but British swans are tired of the shit.  They're sick of it. Officially fed up with the gondolas, the gawking tourists, and people tossing wack ass bread in the water.  So guess what?  They snapped.  They absolutely lost it.  Look at that picture up top - that photographer is dead.  Just got nubbed to death by the toothless death-machine that is the swan.

"Stop looking at me, bitch. I hate you, your family, and everyone on this boat.  I hope a meteor falls from the sky and literally hits only this boat. I'd kill you all if I had my gun on me."

"Think I'm above 'credit card' swiping the gooch?  Because I'm not. Tell your old bag wife to keep her eyes facing front before she gets dealt with, homie. TELL HER!"

Friday, April 3, 2015

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Ho hum, the sun came out, the day ends in "y", and a dude died in a sex toy related accident with a scarecrow.  Typical day tbh.

Look, Argentinian dude, I'm not going to say that I get it, because I don't.  This shit is weird and depraved as all hell.  But I do understand that dudes need to switch things up in their daily life.  If I eat burritos Monday and Tuesday, I don't want a burrito on Wednesday.  If you have regular inanimate object sex Monday and Tuesday, you don't want that on Wednesday.  You want to change it up.  I got pizza on Wednesday, you strapped a strap-on to a scarecrow on Wednesday and died.

Different animal, same beast.  

Thursday, April 2, 2015

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Listen, there are plenty of jokes to be made about driving skills in "certain regions" and stereotypes about dog treatment in "certain regions," but let's just be happy that this dog survived what looks to be a pretty terrible ordeal.  And, according to media reports, the dog and the owner appear to have patched things up/are best friends.  Like, "Yeah bro, you hit the shit out of me with your car and had me trapped in your death machine for roughly 250 miles, but you tossed a piece of bacon on the ground last night, so I guess we're cool now."  

Real talk, we all know this dog hates this fucking dude's guts and is plotting a way to kill him in his sleep on a daily basis, but for now, this is a feel-good story.