Monday, December 30, 2013

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^conversion: roughly 2000 Colombian Pesos = 1 US Dollar

For those that don't know, I was in Medellin, Colombia all of last week traversing the world and getting cultured.  In the midst of chopping it up with Pablo Escobar's ghost and stupidly playing with stray dogs, I came across the most racist ice cream ever.

There are different types of racism.  One type is the completely subtle, institutionalized brand that occurs throughout the world on a daily basis.  Another type is the completely overt, in-your-face-black-guy-on-a-chocolate-ice-cream-container racism that I almost kinda like.  Almost.

Colombia came out of the gates extremely hard.  The Mimo's marketing team damn near smashed the accelerator on this one.  It's so straight forward and to the point that, as a black guy, I have to respect it.  This ice cream is for the layman.  The type of person that has no fucking clue what chocolate ice cream may look like inside of the container.  The type of person that needs to openly think, "Ohhh, this ice cream looks like a black guy" before making an informed purchase.  I mean, they knocked "Cafe Mocha" out of the god damn park.

Money is green and that's all that Mimo's cares about.  They make ice cream for people that like ice cream but aren't confident in item-color recognition so we can't really be that upset at this.

PS. I feel sorry for the young white girl that thought she was going to be the next CoverGirl model, but got told that she was best suited for modeling race-based ice cream in Colombia.
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*Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Finals/holidays/general laziness has been keeping me busy.

I know it's been known for a while but I just found about Mickey Mantle's best experience as a Yankee. And I gotta say this just solidifies his reputation as a bonafide boss. Here's the letter in all it's glory (if you can't read it just click on the link above):
So what is your greatest moment? Walk off dingers? World series championships? Nah dude, totally that one time I got head under the bleachers.
See, this is what makes him such an all-time great. Great player for sure, but probably the most relatable guy out there on the field. It's like he's a high school ballplayer or something. Some guys play for the money some for the glory, Mickey just wants a little strange on his day off.
P.S. I love how he says "I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time." That's all he's worried about. Like "yeah it sucks I can't play but the real tragedy is not being able to give it to this broad in the 4th inning."
Follow me @Smeesh 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

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Nothing to see here.  Just a few pigeons choppin' it up and discussing what's on the agenda for the day.  Probably coordinating what cars they're going to shit on or what crazy homeless person most likely has the most bread.  Not too different from us.

I can just picture the first interview question being: "What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses as a pigeon?"

"Well, I'm a great loiterer.  I can walk around aimlessly for hours on end and always manage to be in the way.  I've also shit on three different generations of iPhone in the last month.  Lastly, I'm confident that I will suffer a gruesome death in the middle of a street that has a high volume of people cross it.  As far as weaknesses, I'm pretty arrogant."

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

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First off, I'll say what everyone is thinking: There is absolutely, unequivocally no way that this can go wrong.

Jk.  This is one of the worst ideas that I have ever seen.  That dude has Gyrados tatted across half of his body and this chick looks like one of my substitute teachers in high school.  Unless she's given a dagger and a gun, I simply don't understand how she's going to come out of this event not dead.  All in all, this is just Brazil doing what Brazil does.  

Sometimes you get the 2016 World Cup, other times you promote a male versus female mixed martial arts fight.  Sometimes you get a Gisele Bundchen, other times you end up with a transexual.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

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It's only Tuesday and cats have had themselves a pretty weird week.  By "weird", I mean they were aggressive, scary, and mostly got fucked up.

One cat was a habitual line-stepper and proceeded to get gored and tossed 12 feet into the air by a Buffalo.

No other way to say it, this cat got it's ass-kicked by a rat from the Bronx.  For those of you that forget, I was actually born and raised there.  Small victories when you can get them.

If it wasn't for this video, the cat stock might have taken a deep, dark plunge.  Dude was literally fighting for his species as he legitimately and legally tackled a woman to the ground while simultaneously scaring the poop out of her dog.  

Hey dog, hop the fence or something, bro.  Make an effort.  Don't just stand there and watch your owner take a hurricanrana from a cat when you could get in the mix yourself.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

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That's good, right?  I'm positive that each and every one of those punches thrown would have killed me and sent my head into the 8th row.

This also begs the question, is Muhammad Ali the least defined, most successful athlete ever?  Dude looks like Play-Doh.  Goes to show that being jacked, having a six pack and wearing Affliction t-shirts isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

That little dance in the end was the cockiest, most dick-head thing that I've ever seen and I love it.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

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Well, what took so long?  Every time I watch boxing, I always wonder "Why haven't they sprinkled any chess in here yet?"  What can I say, Russia does it again.

Beautiful game too.  Such a science.  Do you try to concuss the guy so he can't tell the difference between a Knight and a Bishop?  Or do you go for body shots so your opponent internally bleeds as he's trying to engage in highly strategic cognitive thought?  I, like you, am just trying to piece this shit together.

Beginning of the match is super cordial.  Just two fat guys engaging in a test of wit, thinking about hot wings.

You have to feel for the guys that have to move the chess board between matches.  There's no doubt in my mind that if they drop this board, they're dead.  It's Russia.

Both of these guys are fighting like they just got told to fight after initially being told they were playing chess with boxing gloves on.

Checkmate, bitches. 

I came out of that with less understanding of the sport than I had 5 minutes ago.  Do you try to win chess or boxing first?  How long is each round?  So many questions that I truly don't care about because I'm living in a world where chess boxing exists.  For every act of racial, gender and societal oppression the world presents, we are sometimes gifted gems like this.  Enjoy it, people.

If Mayweather-Pacquiao isn't like fought via chess boxing, we all failed as a civilization.

Monday, December 9, 2013

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You can't really feel THAT bad for a guy that voluntarily adds an apostrophe to "Richard"

Here's Robert Ri'chard.  A mildly respectable actor that played bit roles in every show/movie that we have watched in our entire life.  Here's a refresher:

He spent most of his time with his puppet cousin Skeeter and almost, probably had sex with Meagan Good:

He had an alarming blonde phase and we started to get a little worried:

But that didn't stop him from getting a bit role on "One on One" and teaching us all life lessons:

He snuck in "Alley Cats Strike" right under us, but we knew, Robert.  We knew:

And we can't forget Damien Carter in "Coach Carter."  He was really excited about it:

Things were looking up for Mr. (Fucking) Ri'chard.  Up until 10 years decided to go by without him appearing in anything of relevance.  Then today, something miraculous happened.  He reappeared, but not like I wanted him to reappear.

There he is behind the poorly not-cropped-out "play" symbol and ambiguously race'd hot chick.  In the BACKSEAT of a Nissan in a god damn Nissan Rogue commercial.  You couldn't even assume him to be this chick's boyfriend.  He was their friend that didn't own a car and needed a ride so he be third wheel and ruin their day.  Pour out some of that poor-tasting whiskey you've been drinking tonight because you officially lost in Fantasy Football playoffs and pay your respect to the career of the once ubiquitous Robert (hate his last name) Ri'chard.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

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This is SO Mexico that it hurts.  As soon as they get over Swine Flu and all of their police commissioners getting murdered, their one basketball arena catches on fire.  It's like clockwork down there.

Mexico is like the dude at the bar that keeps getting rejected by girls.  At a certain point it becomes so accustomed to rejection that it has no idea what to do when something good happens.  Just get the phone number and leave Mexico.  In other words, when you get an opportunity to host a premiere NBA matchup, don't let your arena catch on fire.  Christ, guys.

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Dude is physically incapable of getting his feet set out here.  Probably the saddest thing I've seen in 2013.

Step into Tippy's (sweet name, guys) world.  One second you're eating a acorn and the next you're unconscious wondering what the hell just happened.  I give him a ton of credit though.  Each and every time this happens, he has the option to just kinda die, but he's too much of a fighter.  He's determined to just keep living life as a squirrel even though it'll inevitably end in a falling-off-a-tree related tragedy.  Someone get this son of a bitch a Kickstarter so we make sure he can eat acorns without blacking out and collapsing into leaves.

PS. As a complete side note, I'm all about the Sloth life and might need to get my first tattoo.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

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WMD isn't just crude humor, funny pictures and dick jokes.  Sometimes I like to break into the art scene and expand your musical horizons.  If you're tired of Katy Perry's "Roar", this is a big breath of fresh air.

I like this video for a several reasons:

1) The first :30 is just a pretty girl running around in a tight dress.  Can't be mad at that.

2) It somehow makes Boston look awesome.

3) Pretty sure Mack flipped hipster-fashion upside down.  This hat is unreal, yet ironically worn with a shirt that has the sleeves rolled up:

4) Some super hot drunk kid pops up at the 2:30 mark

5) Copious amounts of mason jars are what's hot in the streets right now.  

Great track, give it a listen.

-To follow Mack and his musical endeavors, check out  FYI, I'm trying to ride his coat tails to fame and fortune.

Monday, December 2, 2013

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Have to call a spade a spade here, this dude killed it.  Sure, none of us are going to sleep tonight, but a victory is a victory.

Don't think about the amount of bodies that this dude has in his freezer (probably 4, maybe 5) or the fact that he's most likely naked and appreciate the disgusting artwork that occurred on this guy's chest.  He connected his mustache to his chest hair, guys.  I didn't know that was anatomically possible.  

The paws can burn in hell, though.  Those are the figurative icing on my nightmare cake.

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h/t HuffPost

Dude, what the hell are you thinking? Might as well not even shower the rest of the time you're in jail. Like it's bad enough you're only in jail for a month in the first place. If you're in for a month there's no way you're one of the tough guys, so all you do is keep your head down and keep a sturdy grip on the soap.

But you finally had it here, you broke out, man. That's like the single toughest thing you can brag about in jail. Golden ticket to the cool kids table and protection from every hulk in there who thinks you can get him out. When they inevitably catch you and throw your ass back in jail you're king for a day. But not this Swedish fuck. Back in his cell just bragging it up like "Man my tooth feels so much better, fuck the guards am I right?" No bro, you're not. In fact you probably just made yourself a target for every wannabe tough guy in the place.

Even criminals are fucking pussies nowadays.

Follow me @Smeesh

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

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This is the time of year to reflect on everything we're grateful for. Family, friends, warm shelter, access to food, clean syringes, whatever. But all that stuff is meaningless. If you didn't have an iSomething you couldn't text and FB the ones you love, because who actually uses their phone to talk? Landlines called and they want their monopoly on verbal conversations back, but no one answers unfamiliar numbers. Even my mom prefers texting, totally ruining this hilarious meme. She ruins everything.

If you didn't have a device, how would you find your way outside without navigation, let alone to a store? Google Maps is ruining good senses of direction for you Rand McNallys like Microsoft Word ruined spelling for school-wide bee champions like myself (two-years in a row, bitches).

I don't know about y'all, but my phone is like a baby. I keep it silent and within reach. I sleep with it under my pillow like a gun. Because if there's an intruder, I think there's an app for that. 

I love my phone so much my boyfriend walks out of the room and says, "Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys."

If my phone was actually a live grenade about to explode, I'd scramble to check my email one last time. 

But this, I don't know. If it was a chicken, it would shit all over my life. 

I think this is where the line is. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

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That shirt is worth either 10 dollars or 1 million dollars.  There is no middle ground.  It was either sold out of a crackhead's shopping cart or crafted with oyster pearls and rhino skin.  That's just how Tauheed rolls.  It also looks exactly like the hardest Tetris level in the history of the world, as this tweet describes.  Symbols that don't even make sense, possible swastikas, and enough colors to give a small child epilepsy.  

The top button, cholo-look is the only way that this shirt is supposed to be worn.

Monday, November 25, 2013

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h/t HuffPost (<-- Video of this crazy old bitch chasing him with the article)
I'm not even gonna touch on this guy here (get it? ok I'll shut up) cause he's like low hanging fruit. It's so easy it's not even worth it. Besides, what business of mine is it how a guy gets his rocks off? Some guys like having sex with women and some guys like rubbing one out in the women's bathroom at Walmart. Besides, guys, he "didn't know it was the women's bathroom." Promise.
But Beth Davis, what the hell are you thinking here? You find a strange man just furiously tenderizing some tube steak in the bathroom and you don't think "that was fucking weird" and leave like a normal person, but WAIT FOR THE DUDE YOU JUST SAW JERK OFF IN A WALMART BATHROOM and film while you yell at him? You're more of a fucking psycho than poor Brian here. Spare me the bullshit about how it's wrong and you want to send a message to people like that. You just wanted your 15 minutes and you got it. So tell me, lady, how does it feel that the most note-worthy thing you've ever done is get interviewed about a guy's Walmart jerk sesh on the local news?
P.S. "That's news there? Fucking weak, Tulsa." - The State of Florida

Sunday, November 24, 2013

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Everything's going completely normal at the AMAs tonight.  R. Kelly is President of the United States and enacted law that allowed him to look up skirts whenever he wanted.  It's fine and everything made perfect sense.

Plus, that's how any of us would have reacted to this:

PS. Yup.  Completely normal night:

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"AP - A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis.
Oklahoma City Police Capt. Dexter Nelson says a man discovered a Thermos-type container in his lawn Thursday afternoon and brought it to a police briefing station. Nelson says the container was heavy and had tinfoil protruding from the lid, so the man considered it suspicious.
The Oklahoman reports ( that officers told the man to leave the container outside and the police bomb squad X-rayed the item. The analysis determined that it was only a burrito."
If I was the cop here I think I would probably be forced to give this guy a wet willy. Someone dropped a thermos in your yard and you think it's a bomb? Bro, someone dropped their fucking lunch. How fucking important do you you are that the terrorists want to bomb your goofy ass over like the White House or some shit? Motherfucker I doubt you even crack the top million bombing targets anyone in the world has. Think that burrito is a bomb? Get your head in that fucking toilet so I can give you a swirly pussy-boy.
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So background is necessary I guess. I'm an unabashed Arsenal fan (in the English Premier League) and Rambo has been absolutely killing it this year. Already 13 goals and 3 assists blowing away his former highs of nowhere-fucking-close-to-that.
Either way, whether you support Arsenal, Tottenham, United, or don't even like soccer you can't tell me this song isn't hot fire. I mean sure the production quality isn't the best but this is indie stuff. Maybe get "Fitbathatba" on a label and in a studio with Mesut Ozil rapping and he could somehow be even better. That is if it's even possible to top this.
P.S. He's totally right. If I were to hook up with Aaron Ramsey tomorrow is would be 100% straight. Like I'm not gay, bro, but come on it's Aaron Ramsey.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

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It's the weekend, I'm mailing this one in like we all should. So if for some reason you're actually reading this on a Saturday night instead of drowning your sorrows with drugs and alcohol like a normal person, here's a relatively funny video that didn't require all that much effort on my part to find.
P.S. King of all Blacks, please don't kill me.
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As you guys know I've been fairly active this week. Finally decided to take some of the weight off of Dub's back and help out. As it turns out, that might have been the worst decision of my life.
My blogs Thursday started to generate some pretty weird feedback. For instance:
"Cocaine kinda tastes like soap (sometimes).. So maybe this girl WASNT lying. IDK THO, ive only walked once cause im a ninja ninja- YOWO and IM CHILLEN ERRR DAY ERR DAY ERR DAY. LIKE IM SITTIN ON A PARK BENCH. Ninjas tryna play.

-King of all blacks."
"Man SMEESH if there is one thing you should know, its that constant visual clitoral stimulation LEADS TO A HEALTHY LIFE, naw mean?"
Pretty weird shit. So I decide whatever it's the internet you're gonna run into some strange people. But then he follows up on my next blog with this gem:
"AYO THIS GUY FINNA TURN UP FEELLLL MEEEEE, we gotta get him in a ROOM. Man. Get him on da STReet, man. Let's get dat at, let's be THAT AT, let's SEE THAT at. FEel me?! FEEEL ME


Triville man, Idaho. Lego.

- King of all blacks "
Sorry for the essay, but American Psycho doesn't have shit on the "King of all blacks". I assume I'll be chopped up in this guy's trunk by Monday. Tell my family I love them.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

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In case you haven't been following Rob Ford's last few weeks (and why wouldn't you be?) you need to start paying attention. Whether it's smoking crack or falling while trying to throw a football and not giving a fuck, Robby Boy has been the toast of the town. And while it's always funny to rip on the fat guy, we would be remiss not to note Rob's place among the funniest fat guys of all time. What better way to do that than with a funny fat guy mash up? 
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Gotta wash my nose, you guys
h/t TruTV 
Ah, an old classic. You can't convince me the "No it's just homemade soap I swear" defense isn't the right move here. Worst case scenario you get arrested, which is probably happening anyway. Best case, you get the cop to try to prove you wrong by smelling it and BAM. Coked up cop. Not only hilarious, but now he kind of has to let you go. It's not like he can just drive back to the station all high and try to convince everyone he did it by accident, right? Right.
P.S. "Field tests showed the white powdery substance was cocaine, records say." Oh yeah? Field tests? Is that what they call doing a few lines off the hood of your patrol car now?
Rick James approves

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Guys, is this Miley Cyrus:

or Macaulay Culkin?

Or this thing that you earn when you spend 100 tickets at Chuck E. Cheese?

Or Powder from the movie "Powder"?

Or Charlie Villanueva, backup forward on the Detroit Pistons?

Any time that you can be a female sex symbol while looking like a boy, flaunting invisible curves and shaving off your eyebrows, you simply have to do it.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

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Watch out Japan, Belgium just threw its hat into the ring.
I can only imagine the Belgian Weird Shit Czar (every country has one of those right?) chuckling to himself as he says "We'll see your tentacle porn and raise you a year long necrophilia fest. What do you think of that, you has-been fucks?" On top of calming the hell down, Belgium needs to realize it's out of its depth here. In Japan, we're talking about the country that brought us MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenges, for you uncultured simpletons), invisible butt statues, and like 90% of the world's weird porn. You need to back the fuck up and come up with a long term plan if you think you can take on Japan. You can't just go throwing out Lady Necrophilia all willy-nilly.

P.S. I see you sneaky mouse on the top of the bed.
Follow me @Smeesh

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It's not racist if black people laugh too, right?
I really wanted to come up with a way to defend this woman. REALLY tried to figure out how to get on her side here, but this bitch is either as racist as Clayton Bigsby or as dumb as Harry Dunne. Does this chick just consider everything that isn't white "black"? I get that zombies have rotting skin and all, but if anything that shit's gray. That would be like going up to Ronnie from Jersey Shore and calling him black.
But maybe she's just stupid right? I mean she certainly sounds Southern. No, actually, this seems pretty open and shut racist. Kick rocks lady. (But after you're done kicking rocks call me because you're actually kind of hot)
More black than zombies, and probably less douchy than this lady

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More importantly, can you poop in this?  I publicly urinate all the time, so a #1 isn't too out of the ordinary for me, but pooping?  Man oh man, pooping in this would be an adventure.  And by "adventure" I mean a series of panic attacks and stage fright.  I'd never have the courage to use it and if I did, I'd sit there for 12 hours stricken by fear.

This picture nails the realness of the matter, complete with elderly white couple in the background.  Yeah, maybe you can do your business in public, but in front of grandma and grandpa the stakes are a bit higher when you can bear the responsibility of giving one of them a heart attack. 

If this was a reality show, I'd probably watch it.  I mean, I did watch David Blaine stick an ice pick into his hand and give Jada Pinkett-Smith a mind-orgasm last night, so all bets are kinda off.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

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Okay, so let's forget for a minute that this guy is the world's dumbest criminal. Yes, I get that he burglarized 17 cars, taunted the police on facebook about it, and then promptly got busted. Whatever, crime is crime. Sometimes you just gotta put food on the table.
But what grown man who wants to be taken seriously calls  people "muthasuckas"? Rolando, buddy, you need to step up your insult game. You sound like an 8th grader who wants to call people motherfuckers but is scared of his mom hearing him. I'm a weak, sheltered, generally unintimidating white kid whose last fight was in middle school. But if you call me a "muthasucka" to my face, I'm 1000% positive I can kick your ass.
P.S. Shout out to the Rosenburg, Texas police. Catching a car burglar in less than 15 minutes? I can't even get a fucking pizza delivered from down the street in that time.
P.P.S. Yes, I get pizza delivered from down the street. I'm lazy.
P.P.P.S. Rolando I'm just kidding about being able to kick your ass. Please don't hurt me.

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Welp, I need to find a way to sneak on to Richard Branson's spaceship to Mars because it's officially a wrap for Earth.  Tough year for "Equality", "Peace", "Tolerance."  They just didn't have what it takes this year.  Don't worry, a word signifying the action of taking a picture of yourself took it down this year.  Makes perfect, logical sense.

Call me old, call me out of touch, but I have never taken a #Selfie.  Too ugly for that nonsense.  No one wants to see it, plus I'm confident that boogers make it a point to appear any time that I have to take a picture.  With that said, people make a living with them.  I've been on Instagram for like 20 minutes and every other picture is a "model" taking a picture of herself in a mirror equipped with barely any clothes on, her duck face and thousands upon thousands of "not good enough to post" pics on her phone.  It's the world we live in.  Not saying I hate it, but it's reinforcing the fact that I'm jumping off of the Empire State Building if I have a daughter.

Before I stowaway on Branson's Virgin Apollo 13, I'll take the opportunity to present the good, bad and ugly of #Selfies. 

The Good:

Chick in the back is PISSED that she got blocked out of the Pope selfie.

Serious question: Did he kill that dude on the left, take his phone and photograph himself?  Love squirrels, man.

The Bad:

If this was graded on effort, she'd win.

Aaron, I've been meaning to talk to you about this pic. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Not bad in the traditional sense or in the new that chick is "bad" sense.  I mean, things are ON POINT, but I'm now rendered unable to bring a daughter into this world without jumping off of a building.

The Ugly: 

"Let me capture my baby crying with shit in his pants so I can get these 14 likes"

Queen Bey dropped from a 10.0 to a 9.9999 with this one.  Ladies, if it's not broke don't fix it.

I don't like this one bit.

The fact that you can Selfie within a video game means I've drafted an email to Richard Branson (Lance Bass cc'd) inquiring about space travel.  Seriously.