Tuesday, August 31, 2010

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Wireless is out until we get around to setting it up at the new place....

See you on the other side.
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Not even putting up a picture for this one. We are Deathcon 5 over here or whatever that shit means. Code Red and Orange at the same time. Y2K. Stocking the bomb shelters with beans and corn. Fire everywhere. A lone baby crying in the street. My shirt is ripped and I'm covered in blood. I have on a camouflage bandana. My bandana has a skull surrounded by lightning. I've been fatally wounded, but haven't found out yet because of all the adrenaline flowing. I'm watching "Bad Girls Club" on-demand before Cable and internet go out. Yes you read that correctly. A sweat drop went in my eye and I started crying out of that eye. A fly just chose to die on the floor.


September 1st, 2010.
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3 weeks in, and he's that frustrated about playing for the Lions. I feel ya dawg.

Monday, August 30, 2010

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Yup, those are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Straight baller shit right there, but you already know my thoughts on making the Apocalypse a positive time. September 1st (Move-In Day) is upon us, and with that comes my increasing need for a murder spree-suicide combo. Seriously, I've been thinking of escape routes for like 4 hours IF I happened to personally riot like it was Grand Theft Auto 4 or some shit. Best believe I'd rack up 4 stars quickly.

I was at work today and thought, wow, I have to clean shit up after work--all night long. I actually caught myself debating hiding out at work and racking up like 18 hours of overtime. Cameras catch me sleeping on a row of printers and shit. I'd probs be fired. I bit the bullet, grabbed the rubber gloves, mop, and AK-47 (in case I snapped, plus I did the 'all weapons' code explaining the AK) to start cleaning. 2 hours felt like days, days felt like weeks, and the lack of paper towels/cleaning products really salted my game. This is just part 1 of a terrible series. Think "Saw." You don't want to watch it, but you have to since it comes out on Halloween and 1-6 are on Showtime, HBO, and for some reason Nickelodeon.

I'll keep you comfortable mofos posted on how things are going 'round these parts. If Craw doesn't post tomorrow, assume he got AK'd.
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Granted the cat was all up ons the screen like a vagrant, but I can't knock it's hustle. He hit every duck as it emerged and lacerated the SHIT out of that dog about 1 million times as it set the ducks loose.

I wish my cat had the coordination to compose a Youtube video over. Instead it chooses to run into walls and lay down in it's litter box. To each his own I guess...
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This is an older video but it's certainly worth another look. Check this hot shot crusin' through the neighborhood streets with no regard. Yo man I hate to break it to you, but sometimes you're gonna find kids running around and old ladies falling asleep on the cross walk. Just the way it is. No need to lay on the horn and rev the engine to make her go any faster.

I wish the they kept taping this one. The last few seconds show the dude about to get out of his car. I wonder if he was going to attack the grandma or the kids in the background laughing in his face. A moment that couldn't be scripted any better.
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Color me homosexual (nothing wrong with that), but for some reason I thoroughly enjoy seeing the women walk the red carpet in their Emmy dresses. It starkly reminds me of the times at the bar when I stare from afar and judge women on how they look....kidding!...

Anyway, here's my thoughts on some of the fine femmes from last night:
Primetime Emmy Awards Arrivals held at The Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California on August 29th, 2010. Anna Paquin                                            Fame Pictures, Inc
Anna Paquin--not even going to bother spell checking. I just don't care. She brought that viking shit to the game and I dig it. Plus whenever there's an "N" on that "TV-MA" for True Blood, you know you might get filled in on a little information.
Primetime Emmy Awards Arrivals held at The Nokia Theatre L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California on August 28th, 2010. Jenna Fischer                                            Fame Pictures, Inc
Pam getting after it. To be honest, when I see Pam outside of "The Office" I get a little uneasy. Like I shouldn't be seeing it. But then I remembered how she wore that corset in "Blades of Glory" and forgot what I was talking about..
Photo by: RE/Westcom/Starmaxinc.com 2010  8/29/10 Hannah Cornett, The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards held at the Nokia Theatre in (Los Angeles, CA.) Photo via Newscom
What up 7-head?!
Photo by: RE/Westcom/Starmaxinc.com 2010  8/29/10 Nina Dobrev, The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards held at the Nokia Theatre in (Los Angeles, CA.) Photo via Newscom
Is this Sloan from Entourage in training? Like the farm-system version of her or something. Possibly a Junior-Varsity Emmanuelle Chriqui. I don't even think it's legal to like this girl yet. I'm going to leave that one alone...for approx. 1-2 years.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

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Hopefully Celtics forward Glen Davis has been getting shots up lately, cause he's definitely campaigning to give newly acquired Shaquille O'Neal some off court competition. 98.5 The Sports Hub discovered Big Baby casually shopping for a handful of iPads after a trip to the movies. I assume the movies were involved based on the 3-D glasses he was still wearing with the frames popped out and tape around them to imitate Steve Urkel. As if we wouldn't recognize all 6'8 and 285 of Davis, he's gotta be in costume to make sure we're aware.

Anyone following iambigbaby11 on Twitter? If you are then you would've got a free meal at Game On cause the dude offered it to anyone who would join him and his mom for dinner last week. God damnit I wish I saw that. Here are the lucky 10 people who actually took him up on it. Oh yeah and speaking of customs, check out Davis as Waldo in his basement playing guitar?

Other notable comments on Twitter include...
1) Cabots!! Is so good!!!!!!! Best ice cream ever!!! Hummmmmmmmm!! Ayo baby!!!!
2) What should I do today? Hummmmmmmm don't have !!! Ufc expo going on today!! I wanna go! Anybody knows what time it's starts?
3) Like for real ladies .. Y'all ain't got to lie to kick it with a brother!!! Just keep it real!! You know what I'm saying !! I!!
4) Like for real !! All that fake air in a bro food ! Y'all girls are crazy !! Don't try to make me food !! Then when I take a bit I got hair!!

Glen's also put in some time on YouTube singing and dancing...Who knows what's next. Let's just hope he's making enough trips to the gym on the side.
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Couldn't have seen that one happening going like 7 mph down the flight strip right? Pilot must have let out a big, "My Bad" on the loudspeaker.
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My roommate just showed me this video and I thought it was some Criss Angel Mindfreak shit, then I realized it was just some Brazilian kids' idea of fun. Then I got sad because I realized that was the highlight of their day. They woke up, used their cup-string-cup phone system, knitted a fucking net, and waited for hours to wrangle an absurd amount of pigeons. I mean, I have a similar idea, but it goes a little different. I wake up, yell over to my roommate, chill ALL day, shower/clean up nice, and go out and try to wrangle like 3 girls' numbers.

Guys, I get you. Keep catching pigeons, I'll keep pulling numbers.
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Words can't even begin to describe the sandwich/burger/pizza on the revamped BK menu. For $12.99 you can savor what looks like six whopper patties doused in cheese topped with pepperoni and a sprinkle of...is that tarter sauce?

What is the deal with these fast food joints trying to reinvent the construction of a sandwich. As if the Double Downs and Grilled/Fried Cheese Melts weren't enough. Now we're throwing the idea of pizza into the fray. Even if  The King is getting a little overzealous on us I'm willing to give it a shot.
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I don't know when these shirts came out at all. I feel like the year range where these things emerged could have been anywhere between 2004-2010. That's how little they were on my radar. But now? Now?! These motherfuckers are ruining my day. I feel like that kid that missed out on Pogs or god damn yo-yos, just sitting on the sidelines fuming that I thought I was too cool for the idea and now want one.

Just the wackness right now because I'm not sure if I want one, but I'm definitely intrigued by them. Intrigued like someone's intrigued by a Sizzling Fajita plate at TGIFridays. You see it, then you look at your plate/shirt, see it again, then realize what your wearing/eating sucks and you want some of that Cookie Monster/Elmo/Fajita plate going on. Did that make sense? Either way, there's like a JV version to my dilemma. They have hats with the same design on them. Definitely creepier and would require me to wear a hat, but not the same commitment as a shirt. I also like the scare factor of this attire. Definitely won't have any kids or small animals to deal with on my travels rocking the Cookie Monster.

So, would I be judged or applauded for jumping on this bandwagon between 1-6 years late?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

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Ripaway suits at the Stock Exchange guys? Really? We know you're the toughest dudes in the game right now and the movie is doing awesome, but we are just crawling out of the recession. We can't have the movers and shakers out there neglecting key buy and sell moments when Terry utilizes the ripaway effect of the suit he bought with Sly, Dolph, and Jason.

You know how they say the recession "should be over in the next 6 months"? Well add like 2 years to that. Thanks a lot Terry Crews....
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I am confident that Scream 4 will be attended by a bunch of 16 year old dudes taking their GFs to a "scary" movie in an effort to get action and me in the top right with a large popcorn and a painfully sugar-filled ICEE cheesin' like a motherfucker. Everyone was cool with the first three Scream movies, but I was really in. Like 4 Halloween costumes turned out to be Scream related. I even vomited into the infamous mask one particularly debaucherous Halloween. That was my thing, and it will be my thing as long as they keep making these movies.

I guess Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courtney Cox have been waiting by their phones for like 10 years huh?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

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"Ladies, ladies...Hold on there's plenty of time to chat. Just give me another five minutes for some pinball and we're all good."

When breaking it down, has anyone in the history of nightlife ever pulled this move? If I ever see someone successfully bring out the Rookie of the Year at a club I'd be thoroughly impressed. Of course there wouldn't be any ten year olds like Rowengartner to roll with...or a pinball machine on sight for that matter. If a girl would remain interested after you've brushed her off for a solid game of pinball then she's gotta be out of her god damn mind...or who knows...maybe she's a keeper.
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I wish I could figure out whats going through this kids head right now because this is definitely one of the more eccentric facial expressions I've ever seen in my life. Whatever breakthrough discovery just occurred, I think I have it narrowed down to one of three things.

1) He was introduced to Gerbers latest flavor: Jalapeno.
2) Marked his territory right there on the kitchen table. Everybodys gotta go at some point.
3) Straight up stumped by Blues Clues.

Either way the shock value is through the roof here. If only we knew what it was all about...
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Yup Nick Mangold, the recently high paid center on the New York Jets just doesn't get it here. Struggling to make basic hand-eye coordination moves. Meanwhile, Galinari is digging deep for his inner Ronnie and getting his Jersey Shore on. That of which I cannot hate on.

Shaun O'Hara, you were a non-factor here. Essentially the Omega male of the group. Another factoid. Danilo Galinari definitely pulls the 2nd most tail out of all NY athletes behind my boy Marky Mark.
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I live in a neighborhood with VARIOUS woodland creatures. Namely a shit-ton of cats. Big cats, small cats, fat cats, sickly cats, basically every type of cat around. On my to and from work I estimate that I see about 5 of them just being sketchy as hell peering around corners. Early in the morning, there aren't many people around, sometimes you're like, "Does anyone really care for this cat?" I'm a cat fan too. Own a fat orange sunuvabitch named Garfield and love him to death. If Garfield was routinely leaving, being sketch on the streets, and being poorly groomed/gross, I wouldn't be too upset to find him meowing in a nearby trash bin. Thing about Garf though is that he'd be fine with the new bin setting--real chill cat.

Probably form a thought-bubble typical of the comic-strip version of Garfield filled with "Zzz"s within like 45 seconds of being dumped.

Monday, August 23, 2010

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Just a compilation of the everyday obstacles we face before the infomercial pitches whatever is being sold. Man that seems like an overwhelming amount of problems to solve.

But the real question is how do people land these type of acting gigs? Seems like all I have to do is mess up a simple task, make a corny face and job well done. Trip over the staircase, knock over a glass and look to QVC to cut my check.

Every shirt I own is already stained. I'm pretty sure I have enough variety in my groans to create an iPhone app entitled Craw Noises (already coined by Dub Jeezy). Basically if you took a camera and followed me around for 24 hours, there's no doubt I encounter at least 10 of the dilemmas displayed in the clip above. Now I just need to figure out a way to get paid while doing it.
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Well this is probably the weirdest thing you heard about all day. I'm sure it's made the rounds on every blog and news outlet today, but if you haven't heard, China is in the midst of a 9 day traffic jam that is undoubtedly ruining the Yen and the rest of the Chinese economy.

I'm not one to deal with traffic jams well. I get terribly antsy without a Gameboy Color and Pokemon Red. My guess is that this little pod is slowly going to turn into another community. And by community, I mean another country, because China is needlessly large. Minus the shit ton of useless cars and the overabundance of Chinese people, I think this can be the start of a Utopian society. Like, "what's there to eat?" "oh, there's a McDonald's, Burger King, and KFC at that rest stop." And forget about working. Imagine running a little late to work and letting your secretary know, "eh, I'm running a little late", the secretary asks "why and how late?", and you drop the bomb on her: "Well, I'm pretty sure I'm in a 62 mile long traffic jam that has no set end in sight...so i'd ball park around 9-10 days. Am I getting paid for these days." And that's how you get acceptably fired and become a member of China 2: The Utopian Sequel. No more "One Child Policy" or issues with banning Google. It'll be just a quaint experience of fast food, car naps, and no work.

Seriously, people did not want to go on a detour and spend like $0.90 on a toll? Actually, it's Y0.90, which could come out to like 11 dollars, in which case I'd deal with that ol' jam.
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Two seemingly unrelated pictures, two bad situations. With the gymnast it's clear what the situation is, but on the Chatroulette pic, the guy talking to the cat suit is clearly not doing well either.

Based on the picture, you have to assume that the chick about to crumble to her doom is definitely having the worst day of the two, but I like to dig a little deeper. You go on Chatroulette to meet chicks. Yup, even girls. You go on to meet chicks. Granted, you have to evade and dodge phallus like it's your job, but you will probably meet your goal in a couple hours. Imagine being on said quest and seeing cat dude. Your day was just ruined. In fact, your next three days have been attacked thoroughly. Cat dude will be that face you see when you close your eyes and the life you pity when you think about the sad people you met back in the day. Cat dude will stay with you.

So you decide. Clearly broken bones/possible death or eternal damnation at the hands of the eeriest cat guy on the web today?
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I guess the move these days is to just add a "Macarena" theme to whatever you're doing and it'll sell. You can't knock those people over at Snuggie. They found out what's up in the industry of the lazy and have been RUNNING with it. I mean, I was at Stop & Shop earlier, and next to the M&M's there was a box with a Snuggie in it. Just casually next to M&Ms, like it ain't no thang.

Each day is a lesson in going backwards in society for me.

Friday, August 20, 2010

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So Derrick Rose may not have an NBA title under his belt yet but what's Rajon Rondo gonna think when he sees this? God Damnit D-Rose. A Skittles machine? There's definitely a point guard rivalry going on in the midst of team USA practices but I hope the arguments don't stoop down to this level...

Rose: Whats good Rajon?
Rondo: Hey Derrick, just enjoying the fine taste of Red Bull and watching some tape.
Rose: Oh from the 2008 season...big surprise.
Rondo: Take it easy man, you'll get to the Finals sometime...but until then I'm the best though. You could argue that Fisher is the top PG as current champ but please...we all know where he's at. Plus 2K11 gave me a 99 self-esteem rating.
Rose: Is that right...Well check THIS. Everyday I refuel with my new custom Skittles machine. You ain't got shit on me Rondo...LeBron...Howard...shiiiiiitttt...King Kong ain't got SHIT on me...not with this new Skittles machine by my side anyway.

But at the end of it all we're gonna discover that Kobe has an entire food court in his living room. Who would've thought that Skittles could completely change the competitive nature of the NBA.
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If there's one thing that beats out watching a J Biebs video it's this...Justin Bieber's U Smile 800% slower with a random space landing video in the background. So this Shamantis dude took the liberty of searching within the vague pop song to bring out it's true feeling...and man did it work out.

Is this the most peaceful, majestic shit you've ever encountered or am I just out of my mind. The real version is a good 35 minutes long but the clip above will provide what's necessary. Take a listen and let it change your life.
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^big tree, fall hard

So one of my co-workers mentioned the fact that you can legitimately kill a rabbit if you scare it bad enough. Normally I'd call bullshit on something like that, but this kid seemed scarily knowledgeable on methods of killing woodland creatures. Basically that kid who doesn't say anything, then will randomly drop, "You know you can kill a rabbit if you scare it really bad" at around 9:08 on a Friday morning.

I'm not going to lie, I'm intrigued by this. Not in the creepy, I kill animals and will end up a serial killer way, but moreso from the science standpoint. My other buddy mentioned at lunch that someone messed up when it came down to rabbit evolutionary progression. Like dropped the fucking ball. I mean, the one time I got scared in my life, I was still able to produce basic life functions. These things just freeze up with fear and proceed to have a life-endingly severe stroke. Pretty gruesome. Someone upstairs fix the rabbit medula-oblongota please??

What I'd like to think here, is that I saved you about 30 dollars in Snapple purchases so you can read that fact.
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As I sit down and crush Dub Cheesys all day, I like to think of the simpler times. The times when I didn't have to do shit, but open the brown paper bag, and eat whatever was in it.

Fun fact about the kid Dub J: I am a mama's boy and grew up an only child. A deadly concoction for having spectacular school lunches made on a regular basis. I’m not underplaying the fact that I was the ultimate bitch boy. Like, it was bad. My mom would wake me up, have breakfast made, and have clothes laid out from age 3 until some embarrassing age that neither of us want to admit. I started dressing myself at 10 though, because Mom didn’t understand the concept of the pre-shirt and the shirt (what up Jersey Shore). Anyway, I was definitely on some “Jetsons” conveyor belt type shit. Wake up, have a machine brush my teeth and wash my face, have breakfast laid out, and clothes basically put on my body during elementary school. That shit was awesome. All I was responsible for was killing it on spelling tests and knowing the state capitals.

In an effort to salvage the subject of this post, I’ll bring up one thing: Dunkaroos. The vanilla ones. These things were the gamechangers of a bagged lunch. Like you know what to expect out of the Turkey sandwich and the juice, and you know the apple’s going to play some effective defense, but the Dunkaroos could turn any lunch around. Occasionally mom would throw some gummy bears in there too, but that lead to some phone calls from the teacher about “your son keeps going up to girls and hugging them.” Young Dub DID NOT fair well with sugar.

Someone needs to pay their respects to the old school lunches. They were a hell of a lot better than the evens and odds I spurt out in the McDonald’s lines.
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So many emotions in a matter of seconds. Instant gratification/humiliation with a side of what the hell just happened all at the same time. It's all about whether you wind up on the good side at least 6-of-10 in these make or break type situations.

I'll experience something like this a good 50 times on a golf course (which can actually range from 45-60...basically whatever I shoot in 9 holes). No one knows where my shots going...I could either find the green or knock out a clubhouse window...Just hope I'll be allowed to come back the next day.

Traffic lights...Does the guy in front of me slow down or gun it through when the light turns yellow...Do I follow or speed up myself? Am I late to work or do I show up five minutes early with donuts because I made such good time...or do I collect a ticket at the end of it all?

Lunch breaks at the office...Is it cool for me to slip out for an hour and enjoy...or do I stay at my desk to anticipate the next call. Everything's okay up until that build up on the walk back. Is it gonna be chill or am I sitting back down to five missed calls from customers with some choice words for me?

6-of-10 factor and you'll be alright. So in light of my delusional state its time to call it a night. Big weekend coming up. Enjoy it.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

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Does anyone have any insight on the new barefoot running shoes cause I don't trust this shit for one second. It'd be like driving with your tires off thinking its better to cut weight on the highway. Is it the webbed feet or the bold Velcro strap that supplies the extra advantage? Who knows but I'm intrigued to say the least.

Should we start fishing for some sponsorship on this blog? As a 'husky' young man it might be in my best interest to give it a go. Running in these would certainly look better than rollerblading. Maybe I should just drop the plate of nachos, unstrap the abtronic and genuinely workout...Nah...my methods will do the trick at some point.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

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The main goals at work are to keep bringing in money and not get fired...but man...the things I could do if I were to be laid off. The best thing about YouTube is to see how people can really utilize their spare time. Back in my college days...when I had to commit to obligations for roughly two hours a day were some of the laziest times of my life.

Who knows what kind of meaningless/awesome shit I could've produced by now.

If I had to pick I'd say the Lego Simpsons caught my attention best. I mean the camera work and attention to detail on that minuscule set was just down right impressive. Backyard Star Wars comes in at a close second though...Did you catch the heavy amount of swagger 1:46 in when he somehow unhinges the duel swords and flips one to himself? Remarkable. Well, time to rest up for yet another day at the office.
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Sometimes you wonder why Sega strayed away from the whole, "Let's make a Sonic game and watch the money pour in" formula.

Then you go ahead and make an ad like this? Granted this had to have been in like 1992 when the world wasn't funny and was unable to make a joke out of this--plus I didn't grow into my role as a comedic genius. I was basically still on red-alert to shitting myself and crying about anything and everything. Life was sweet back then.

I'm going to refrain from any real commentary on this, because like I said many times before...sometimes the picture writes the post.
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Call me old fashioned, but what the fuck happened to giving a kid a Slinky and a set of stairs and letting him have at it? Come on now. I'm like really smart, and this Fushigi garbage definitely has me backed into a corner.

Most cases, I would go in blind with any new kids toy and dominate it within the hour. A few Christmases back I saw my cousin's "Bop-It Extreme" toy. Let me tell you, kids were struggling with it. Like, crying, throwing food in a fit of rage struggling. Clearly everyone was looking my way to get this problem sorted out because I'm the resident super-secret-mega-nerd in the family. I proceeded to wrestle it from defeated 8 year old hands and killed it out there, with an utter disregard for the new gadgets and flares added on. Within 10 minutes the children were literally dancing to my abilities on the Bop It Extreme (did anyone know these things were $160?!). Digression or not, times have changed. I have no idea what the hell is going on with this thing. I think it's a Yo-Yo ball?

Oh, and if you think the commercial would help, it doesn't. I guess you have to just figure it out on your own..or something.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

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If you reside near the BankAtlantic Center then you best give the Florida Panthers a call for some season tickets. Why? Because they just recently launched a new "set your own price" campaign for their 41 home games in 2010-2011.

Damn...I'm really considering giving them a call for the best seats in the house. I think I'm gonna offer up a few pizzas to the sales crew. What's one pair of season tickets to these guys if they can't even set their own prices. Hell, I'd take a free lunch any day if I were stuck begging people to be Panthers fans Monday-Friday from 9-5.

Deals are also prime for New Jersey Nets tix. Seasons are currently being sold for $299... That's around $7 per game and a weekend at the bar for any young professional who budgets their money as poorly as I do. Once in a lifetime opportunity here.
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I feel like the Wii has just given up or perhaps gotten tired of making the same old god damn game. Developers are tired of making big-headed circular characters that swing tennis rackets and fight Bowser. This game appears to represent the "wash" that is effectively being called by Nintendo.

Dudes in the developing room are just seeing what sticks out there. Just sitting in a board room saying:

"Hey, you think it'd be cool if we made a game with a naked chick that you can massage?" "Sounds good to me man, I truly don't give a shit anymore"
"Let's slap an "E" rating on it and see if anyone notices how wrong that is"

Kudos to you gentlemen. Just not giving a fuck about your jobs anymore. Suddenly those wife and kids at home don't seem that important when you just wrapped up making "Wii Sports Emporium 9."

Expect some crude and questionable games from the Wii in the near future...
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So I'm out on my way to lunch and like I do everyday, I spot a street urchin trying to peddle something. I just assumed it was "Save The Children" or some "Greenpeace" bullshit, but no, it was some glum looking fellow holding up some WordArt constructed piece of paper with Lunchdates.com on it. I gave him the stankiest of eyes and kept on my merry way. Then I started thinking...what's Lunchdates about?

Am I going to have to take a member of the opposite sex into my world during my lunch break? There may be roughly 4-6 girls out there that'd be able to hang with me on what I call a rigorous lunch regimen.

So I started this new trend of sleeping in public places during lunch break. As much as I hate and fear the homeless, their tactics intrigue me. Mainly the sleeping wherever the fuck they want thing. So say, I'm in a Quiznos, pizza shop, or Wendy's, I'm going to connect two chairs, put them adjacent to the wall, and you best believe I packed my bookbag with some comfy clothes so it could act as a pillow. Just immensely resourceful thing after another. Is Girl X going to be down for that? You know I only get an hour lunch, so you best believe I'm going to make it worth it. If you're fine with me not asking how your day is going, playing nothing but hits on my Ipod and then narcolepsy'n out for about 25-30 minutes, sign me up.

The only problem with my lunch routine is the whole scaring children and forcing management to check if I'm alive thing. If there was a second party involved just chattering away about how Steve hooked up with Betty, but Betty is in love with Kevin all the while not knowing Kevin's gay, I am all for it. Gives me a cover to drool to my hearts content.

I'm not calling you out because I don't like you LunchDates.com, I'm calling you out because I need you.

Monday, August 16, 2010

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USA Today summed up Sly Stallone's new project The Expendables as "gratuitously savage, implausible and sometimes incoherent." To me the ridiculous action was just that with a twist of unintentional yet sensational humor. There's not a lot that can beat out Stallone, Mickey Rourke and Co. with a spread of nachos and a hefty 80 oz fountain soda on a Saturday afternoon.

If you could choose any fictional crew to roll with to a brawl, it's clear that these senior superstars are your only choice. First of all it was good to see Stallone alive and well. He's fixed himself up a bit more since filming Rocky Balboa that's for sure.

The matchup of the movie has to go to Ivan Drago vs. Jet Li, a genuine battle displaying quickness and intelligence against sheer brute strength. The best scene was clearly Bruce Willis and Governor Schwarzenegger swearing at Stallone in a local Church. Terry Crews was brilliant throughout the entire film, enthusiastically taking out thousands of civilians like clockwork. The Expendables is a must see...just don't go in with too many expectations, sit back and enjoy all that is over the top.
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So glad I did that poll so I could post these pictures. This site is starved for some classy pictures of beautiful women.

This definitely sucked for Ari's wife. She would have placed anywhere else, but not in this two horse race. Actually, it was more like a one horse race with me frantically jumping on every IP address I could to vote for Alex, but Blogger didn't let me. Sloan was just too strong out there. There aren't many girls on this planet that she would lose to either.

If you can tell me one (other than Alex aka Dania Ramirez), I will smack you in the face and respect you for having the balls to lie to my face. Have a good night and hopefully a good morning if you're checking these out at your desk. You'll have at least a moment of bliss before your boss creeps over your shoulder and you get fired.
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I mean someone had to talk about this today right? I feel like this is some Illuminati, blogger's code type shit or something based on how no one has mentioned a peep about this. Well, early bird gets the worm bitches.

Synopsis: a German pop singer decided to be quiet about the fact she had HIV while she fornicated--multiple times. Not even joking, that shit's scary. If a girl sneezes near me we can't talk anymore (kidding! I'm desperate), let alone carrying the "slow death." Statistically Magic Johnson is really the only play here for this chick.

The only one here to blame is the creator of Long Island Iced Teas. Because, part of me thinks this girl mentioned the fact that she was packing heat in the form of an incurable virus beforehand. It's just that this dude was so hopped on Long Islands that he had no idea what HIV meant. Probably thought it stood for some new fashion brand or something. You know if HIV didn't exist, H&M would definitely be called HIV. Andd, I'm going to have my blog coach take a time out on the floor. I clearly just hoisted up a couple bricks in the form of possibly offending people as well as not keeping my head up in the form of missing necessary key points that could have been made.

But hey, if I'm not inadvertently offending anyone and overall missing the point, then frankly, I'm not trying.
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Remember back in 2002, when the "between-the-legs" dunk was the coolest thing you've ever seen? Now that shit is like a VCR. Just old and boring. Now dudes are jumping over other humans and various apparati (you like that word, I know you do)doing it. I'm pissed. Babies are being born and having the capabilities of doing between the legs dunks. I'll also add how ridiculous it is that I missed out on the "Dunking Generation." Instead I'm in the "We're going to be in a recession the better part of your life generation, so you're going to have to come up with crazy schemes like 'blogging' to have a sliver of a chance succeeding"...err something.

Seriously though, this dunk contest is awesome. Makes you really think how awful these guys must be at basic basketball skills with athleticism like that. Like if T-Dub can avoid dribbling the ball off his foot and Werm understands that 3 steps=traveling, I think these guys have a shot.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

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Another collection of conversations between me and co-blogger Dub Jeezy while making it through the 9-5. August discussions have ranged from casual NFL talk to texting strategies with a side of numerous hangover complaints. Hope you enjoy.

Dub J: thunder: team #2
also, did you see tom bradys hair last night?
Craw: shit
i was actually google imaging tom bradys hair and was gonna send you it
but then i had to work

Dub J: not feelin the greatest right now
i was a zombie by the end of the night
Craw: yeah
i just got bitched at by a customer cause his tickets didnt ship
its like come on dude...its a david gray concert relax
Dub J: hahah
im sitting here with like 4 glazed donuts and an iced coffee
just snapped at dunkin
havent touched a donut yet

Craw: are you down for the expendables tomorrow?
Dub J: more than absolutely
Craw: YES
Dub J: haha one of the movie critics said, "if explosions and awesome have a baby, it's the expendables"
Craw: haha my god
so theres a 2:15 showing with Digital Projection
Dub J: what does digital projection mean?
Craw: digital projection applies for all shows that are projected digitally rather than using conventional film
shows use one of several different technologies to provide maximum fidelity
a picture with impressive clarity, brilliance and color and a lack of scratches
fading and flutter
Dub J: what the fuck man

Dub J: i deleted my sent texts but kept my inbox
so i have some interesting responses to things i dont know what i said
Craw: to who
Dub J: random girl
Craw: nice
Dub J: but i read something that said, "youll have to ask my dog about that ;)"
Craw: hahahah
Dub J: like what

--Friday at 4:55--
Dub J: we've been throwing a squishy ball around for the past 45 minutes
it's been a straight wash

Saturday, August 14, 2010

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Allow me to introduce the latest food project to take the overweight U.S. population by storm: the Denny's Fried Cheese Sandwich. Sort of a lighter selection compared to the Friendly's Grilled Cheeseburger Melt, but will still serve to provide the rush of greasy goodness you desire.

So the creation as depicted can be described as four savory fried mozzarella sticks and the finest American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread....for four dollars. Yup, certainly getting your bang for your buck on this one. The Fried Cheese sandwich will go down on the revamped $2 $4 $6 $8 value menu at Denny's (this is awesome). Also featured on the bill will be the Nacho Salad and Bacon Chipotle Skillet. Now if you'll excuse me I've got a date with Denny's.

Friday, August 13, 2010

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Pretty sure I'm already drunk just looking at this picture. Friday, Saturday, and early parts of Sunday have been straight dedicated to like 4am, tension-filled Super Smash Brothers. If you're not hanging out with a lovely lady at that hour, you are probably playing some aggressive Smash.

Sitting there, blacked out, dead silent, floating around with Kirby and shooting blasts with Samus. That's what real life is about.

Kirby, not pictured. Eat that Craw.

EDITORS NOTE: Kirby is pictured between Link and Mario. God Dammit.
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Like what the hell is going on? I'm at a loss to understand what exactly happened to my 2nd day text game. I use to be so on-point with that shit that you'd be absolutely dazzled. Like glitter and light shows were coming out of my hands when I was texting chicks the night after meeting them. Just a true exhibition of a man playing the game he was born to play.

Now though, now...I've lost my touch. My 40 time has dipped a few tenths of a second, my vert ain't where it used to be, and that Wonderlic is looking like the god damn MCAT. Now I'm struggling, big time. I thought I said some pretty quality things. I'm pretty sure I keep it safe. The general formula of "get-to-the-point" and an added joke usually took me where I needed to get. I guess the game has changed and I'm not catching the drift anymore. I feel like my fucking dad when he got a laptop. Things definitely changed, but he kept treating it like a desktop--"Dad chill, there's no number key on the laptop."

I'm at the point where I send texts to girls I had great interactions with the night before and just call it a wash. Shaking my head as I'm typing it knowing what the result is going to be.

Anyone have any advice? Scratch that, I'm just going to ride this thing out and see if I can step my level up to dad on the laptop. Struggling, but being too prideful to change.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

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I guess it was worth it? I don't even know. I feel like I heard this beat at some point in like 2003. Maybe that's what Dr. Dre was planning. He was going to keep putting off this album until enough years and enough songs were made that he can casually steal a beat from some obscure song that didn't make it. I mean I like the style.

Reminds me of how I used to rock shit back in AP English class. Surprised I took AP English, huh? I am too, based on the crack rocks I spit on this shitty blog, but I digress. Anyway, on these things called Literary Journals aka LJs, I read the grade composition sheet, saw how little they were worth to the overall grade, but also read the all important "ALL REQUIRED TO BE COMPLETED TO PASS COURSE" part at the end. A perfect composition for me to finangle the system and loophole my way to success. Such tactics were coined, the "Dub Jeezy Way" back in high school. I would read up on old essays, web summaries, and other internet sources based on the topic and literally copy and paste those into a document and give that to the teacher. Yup. Straight living a fucking lie via LJs in AP English. Once my teacher admitted she had no idea how to use the internet you can consider that the greenest light a vagrant like me could get, bless her heart.

Yeah, so since I'm so similar to Dre, expect some "Blogs By Dub" headphones to be out by the end of fall.
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Before I get into the saddening fact that Madden might not be for me anymore, let me bring out some gems from our timeless, potential zombie friend, John Madden. Our friends at Manofest lined up some his best and brightest quotes over the years:

1) "The best way to gain more yards is to advance the ball down the field from the line of scrimmage"

2) "When you have great players, playing great, well that's great football!"

3) "Whenever you talk about a Mike Shanahan offense, you're always going to be talking about his offense."

4) They're either going to run the ball here or their going to pass it.

Gems. Absolutely obvious gems. That's what John Madden was always good for. He was going to let you know something that was so blatantly known that you forgot it was a possibility--like that quote about the team that was either going to run or pass it. Classic John.

Well needless to say, I will not be getting this game. Madden has scorned me pretty good the last few years with random fucked up features and they simply don't simulate Mark Sanchez's perfect release like it should. Plus they definitely took off roughtly 180 El-Bees from Rex Ryans enriched frame. I'll dabble again in 2012, but this year's version is certainly a wash.
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Really? Is Youtube really figuring me out this well? In the "Videos You Might Like" section, this video was smack-dab #1.

Never before has a video effectively decided for me that it was going to be posted on the WMD. This shit gripped my fingers to the keyboard, clicked on the site-new post-publish post button and it was up. I posted a video similar to this awhile ago. I'm just straight up too lazy to post it, but it was this type of thing with the "Pokemon" theme. Good stuff, but not the variety this guy did.

He did like 4 more videos, but I was satisfied with one. Don't want to risk the disappointment for this potential hiring.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

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Forgive the late and brief post, but I just stopped my 28th crying session of the day as I come to grips with the very real possibility that Darrelle Revis might not be playing New York Jet football next year. It's ridiculous that he's even in the fuckin' intro.

Get ready for Antonio Cromartie dealing with his kids running on the field while he's trying to deflect a pass. Get ready for Braylon Edwards to drop some of the most uncomfortable passes on television and most of all get ready to see the amount of girls Mark Sanchez racks up throughout training camp. It's going to be a helluva year. Just wish Revis will show up to the party.

He's currently a "maybe" on the guest list to the "New York Jets Training Camp" Facebook Event. No one likes a maybe.
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So the big move in day is coming and I couldn't be more ecstatic to finally leave the nest at the age of 23 (chill). As the monumental change nears I start to think about the one aspect that could haunt me during my first year away as a working man. Grocery shopping.

Sure I've lived on my own in the past...with a college cafeteria 50 yards away just waiting for me to go in and crush. Shit, looking back I remember it like a revamped Old Country Buffet with the generous portions and quality selection. But soon I'll be faced with annual trips to Shaws...one of the more difficult tasks all men will have to go through at some point in their lives.

How do I even get started? It's already hard enough to walk in there and get a meal on a random Sunday afternoon. Last time I took a field trip out to the unknown with Dub Jeezy I walked over to the cash register with a box of frozen crab rangoons, stuffed mushrooms and Uncrustable PBJs...that's clearly no way to live.

Not only will I be lost in the mecca of brand food but also struggling to keep my budget right. I'm gonna be like Shaq signing for the veterans minimum after buying out the top floor at the W. Collecting my check only to spend it all at the grocery. God damnit. I'd have Dub show me the ropes but he still doesn't know what he's doing either. The fact that my cooking skills are limited to a microwave could be what keeps me from purchasing the whole store. Only time will tell.

Monday, August 9, 2010

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Based solely on my one tumultuous year out of school and in the workforce I have become a bonafide expert on the different types of "hot" out there...yes, there are different types, nerds.

I'll try my best to describe them and associate a picture as well to get the point across.

Morning Commute Hot: Yeah, she's hot and you probably made eye contact a few times, but FUCK NO are you talking to her. You haven't said a word yet today, your voice is undoubtedly froggy as shit, and you know she probably doesn't want to talk to you either because it's like 8:15AM. Because of this you will oogle at her and creep her out each and every day that you ride the train/bus together. Trust me, you won't say a word.

Office Hot: Easily the most confusing type of hot. Your mind is still flabbergasted at that girl you saw on the ride over. You need a coffee bad and guess who walks by in her tight little Monday morning number? You probably didn't guess it because you're dumb, but it's the office hot girl. Tempting you, confusing you, and most of all making you question what you think is hot. Yeah, she's definitely a 4, but when you're confined to the office for 8 hours and work with a majority of dudes, Darwinism kicks in, and you are walking on egg shells with a girl you could easily pick up on Friday. Not ideal, but you'll definitely dabble on a happy hour or two.

Lunchtime Hot: A tad hungrish are we? Well, at lunchtime apparently 10s flock to wherever you're not going or something that's not in your budget because face it, you're not eating a salad. You wonder where they are all going, then you see a ridiculous line outside of the gourmet salad shop. Once or twice you'll think you can pull it off. Make a joke or two in line and earn that girl of your dreams. Nope. You'll go in, not know what to order, order it wrong, not enjoy your meal, and talk to zero girls, not even the cashier, it'll be a really effeminate dude. My bad.

Early Evening Bar Hot: Hot aren't they? Definitely tons of sexy girls out after work on a Friday. Thing is you're stone sober and the sun is still peaking through the windows. Essentially your a vampire when it comes to picking up bar girls. Once the sun goes down, all bets are off. Oh yeah, Bud Lights won't fly. They might not even sell it wherever you're at because you most likely went with your co-workers and were out of the comfort zone aka bars with cheap beers. Fear not because if you wait out the sun and order a couple long island iced teas you'll begin our next chapter at...

Pretty Drunk, But Not Blackout Bar Hot: Sadly, this is the area most of us are going to meet our husbands and wives to. Basically if you're talking to a girl/guy for more than 10 minutes at this point, the both of you are definitely going to make out. Night may continue, numbers might get exchanged, and next thing you know you are eating dinner by candle light. This is an area where 7s-8.5s thrive. They are bumped to 10s and if they can hold a conversation for straight up 10 minutes, they are fuckin' in.

Blacked Out Hot: Anyone. Everything. That plant over there. That cheeseburger. Your bed. The toilet. The regret.

Straight Up A Good Looking Individual: I Hate Entourage. I Hate Turtle. I Will Say This Everyday Until It Gets Old.

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EMBED-Deer Mounts Woman - Watch more free videos

Can two videos be more unrelated? I don't think so.

The knee-jerk reaction to this little competition would have the 2nd video winning by a landslide, but we aren't about knee-jerks here. We are about strict research, dedication, and science. Sure, the wild rock music and sound effects may have drew you toward the beer opener, but let's dig into the deer video for a second. That deer just straight up stole that dude's wife. No build-up, no drama. The deer saw the woman, thought, "I'm going to have that" and was on his way. I got nothing, but respect for his talents (which I hope he soon takes to South Beach) and for that, I have to give him the nod.

Beer opener video was too Power Pointy and the camera man was simply too excited. ##1 way to kill a video for me.
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A sigh of relief on this particular Monday in light of the marathon weekend that just took place. So bloated in beer that I'm actually starting to become what I've been consuming all this time. What? Definitely still a high percentage of alcohol/Papa Johns in the system. And due to a slight misdirection in the midst of a drinking game, not only was I drinking beer but also spilling and swatting it.

I may be giving myself a little too much credit here...depicting myself as a genuine, premium product. I think I'm more just starting to look like this guy. Needless to say I made it out alive and back on the blog. Looking forward to a nice cleansing period this week before additional chaos ensues.

Friday, August 6, 2010

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Sometimes I see a picture and know it is going to be completely wrong for the post. Either it won't make too much sense or, in this case, it will offend people.

The reason why this picture is going to offend people is because this post is not about zombies terrorizing our friends down south. This about our friends down south neglecting basic medical practices and not realizing that a baby was alive until they were about to lock the casket. I am very happy the baby survived, but also dumbfounded at the inability of Mexican doctors to measure mortality. I feel like they did the ol' feel test that you or I perform when we are paranoid as shit. Like, "touch my head I think I have a fever" or "Feel my heartbeat. Does it feel fast to you." I've guessed 1000% of the time on those responses. You can't eyeball a baby and just say, "Eh, it's probably dead", shit's not ethical.

Reminds me of Spring Break '09. Constant propositions of drugs and prostitutes no matter where I went. The solicitors mainly inhabited what I like to call the 4 B's Of Spring Break: Beaches, Bars, Back-Alleys, and Burger King.

Mexico, the only place in the world where you can get offered a 250 Peso prostitute after you order a Rodeo Burger.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

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What video genius would pair Charlie from "Lost" and sexy ass Megan Fox together? That's like Turtle and that gorgeous chick in Entourage. Shit just doesn't make sense. Making it tougher for the legitimately good looking people to succeed out here.

Also, questionable theme of domestic violence with Rihanna singing the hook...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

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Day 7 at Redskins Training Camp and still no Albert Haynesworth on the practice field. Why? Because the dude still can't pass the initial conditioning test after boycotting offseason workouts. Pretty bold move for somebody who just signed a seven-year deal worth $100 million.

The test consists of two 300-yard shuttle runs that have to be completed in 70 seconds with a 3½ minute break in between. One day he was hiding in the bathroom for 20 minutes in between sets. Now his knee is bothering him because of the sprinting. Who in the Redskins front office isn't in tears right now reviewing his multi-million contract?

I love how Mike Golic from ESPN even took action and completed the test himself. Thats how fed up these reporters must be in regards to the same headlines. Everyday leads off with some new LeBron James shit with a side of Brett Favre and Haynesworth's fat ass. Shit...put a contract infront of me and I'll pass that test running backwards blindfolded 10 beers deep. No way in hell I'm playing football afterwards though...Five minutes on the practice field and its a wash.
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Yeah, I was shocked too when I saw this video. Thought he was going to limp one over the rim or put up a lay-up followed by a rim grab. Basically a debatable dunk attempt--aka something I perfected. Nope. This guy can absolutely jam.

Dude is 5'8 and mixed up MJ on that first move. Throwing down reverses, touching the backboard, and rockin' the jerry curl like a motherfucker.

Respect to you most-jealous-younger-brother-of-all-time.
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^Reason #293990 on why I am going to spend all money and time on finding out how not to have a girl baby. Seriously

This is the latest underage girl to wake up one wonderful Wednesday morning and decide, "Hey, I think I am going to sail around the world." How does that work? Does she come down and run it by Mom or Dad? Or does she slowly spring it on them reminiscent of Ralphie hypnotizing his parents into getting him a Red Rider BB Gun in "A Christmas Story." I mean it was hard enough for me to hang out with my friends past 10PM at age 14. Now I am asking myself, was the bowling alley that much more dangerous than the Atlantic Ocean?

A 14-year old girl too? These are the most annoying chicks in the god damn game. Complaining about shit that hasn't even bothered them yet, dealing with hormones, and trying to climb the social ladder. This girl is going to socially eat herself from the inside out. No one to hear her complaints/randomly cry about nothing to/and no clique to strive to be better than. That is a 14-year old girl's lifeblood right there. No way she's surviving this trip. Aside from emotional issues, a 14 year old girl is just embarrassingly weak. Can't really see her getting that sail up in tough winds. Chick needs a spotter or something.

You heard it here first: "14 Year Old Girl Eaten by Shark" (WHAT UP Shark Week!), "14 Year Old Girl, Just Straight Up Blown Away", and last but not least, "Girl Dies of Teen Angst at Sea."

Daughters. Scientifically and forcibly not in the cards for this guy.

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I mean, I've always taken the mental "Dez Bryant" approach to any sort of idea of hazing. If I was a 1st round draft pick, you best believe that I'd say "fuck that" to the idea of getting a phallus put into my head for like a month. I just received 4 million dollars and was "forced" to move to Jacksonville, Florida for the summer, you think I'm trying to go out to the clubs at my highest value with some balls follically place on my head. I'd especially say "fuck that" if I was going to war with David Garrard and experiencing bi-monthly blackouts on my game.

I live life with one simple rule: don't let anyone put a dick on you via marker or hair clippers.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

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For those of you who think the Celtics are working to bring in Shaquille O'Neal solely based on basketball abilities you're simply mistaken. The C's and Shaqtastic are a perfect match for 2011. Here's a few reasons why Boston can easily welcome in the The Big Aristotle with open arms.

With Diesel on the squad, the Celtics have the best roster ever assembled on paper when you throw age out the window. In the early Double-0's this All-Star team could spot the rest of the league 10 and not lose a single game. He also solidifies the Celts as the most ridiculous team of characters in league history between other notables that include Glen Davis, Nate Robinson, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. If only we still had Sheed.

Shaq will most be utilized to wipe out his old teams. Conveniently, the other three major threats have each played host to the 4X NBA champion through the course of his 19-year career. If the C's can pull together another Finals run, they'll have to get through the Heat, Magic and Lakers to raise Banner 18.

It'll be easy to take down the new mega-trio in light of Shaq being sworn in as a reserve police officer during his time in Miami. Ever seen Celtic Pride? Moving onto Orlando, it certainly doesn't hurt to sub in the original Superman to harness Howard. He just has to bulldoze him a couple times and help draw a foul or two and we're good money. Then we get to LA, nothing would be better for Shaq than to deny Kobe Bryant of reaching Jordan status in NBA titles.

Even if he doesn't contribute much, the fact that he's on the opposing team alone will make for some great entertainment. So let's get it done Shaq. Give us a solid 10 minutes per game and make a few more funny/weird jokes along the way.