Monday, August 9, 2010

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Breaking Down "Hot" Girls Throughout The Day

Based solely on my one tumultuous year out of school and in the workforce I have become a bonafide expert on the different types of "hot" out there...yes, there are different types, nerds.

I'll try my best to describe them and associate a picture as well to get the point across.

Morning Commute Hot: Yeah, she's hot and you probably made eye contact a few times, but FUCK NO are you talking to her. You haven't said a word yet today, your voice is undoubtedly froggy as shit, and you know she probably doesn't want to talk to you either because it's like 8:15AM. Because of this you will oogle at her and creep her out each and every day that you ride the train/bus together. Trust me, you won't say a word.

Office Hot: Easily the most confusing type of hot. Your mind is still flabbergasted at that girl you saw on the ride over. You need a coffee bad and guess who walks by in her tight little Monday morning number? You probably didn't guess it because you're dumb, but it's the office hot girl. Tempting you, confusing you, and most of all making you question what you think is hot. Yeah, she's definitely a 4, but when you're confined to the office for 8 hours and work with a majority of dudes, Darwinism kicks in, and you are walking on egg shells with a girl you could easily pick up on Friday. Not ideal, but you'll definitely dabble on a happy hour or two.

Lunchtime Hot: A tad hungrish are we? Well, at lunchtime apparently 10s flock to wherever you're not going or something that's not in your budget because face it, you're not eating a salad. You wonder where they are all going, then you see a ridiculous line outside of the gourmet salad shop. Once or twice you'll think you can pull it off. Make a joke or two in line and earn that girl of your dreams. Nope. You'll go in, not know what to order, order it wrong, not enjoy your meal, and talk to zero girls, not even the cashier, it'll be a really effeminate dude. My bad.

Early Evening Bar Hot: Hot aren't they? Definitely tons of sexy girls out after work on a Friday. Thing is you're stone sober and the sun is still peaking through the windows. Essentially your a vampire when it comes to picking up bar girls. Once the sun goes down, all bets are off. Oh yeah, Bud Lights won't fly. They might not even sell it wherever you're at because you most likely went with your co-workers and were out of the comfort zone aka bars with cheap beers. Fear not because if you wait out the sun and order a couple long island iced teas you'll begin our next chapter at...

Pretty Drunk, But Not Blackout Bar Hot: Sadly, this is the area most of us are going to meet our husbands and wives to. Basically if you're talking to a girl/guy for more than 10 minutes at this point, the both of you are definitely going to make out. Night may continue, numbers might get exchanged, and next thing you know you are eating dinner by candle light. This is an area where 7s-8.5s thrive. They are bumped to 10s and if they can hold a conversation for straight up 10 minutes, they are fuckin' in.

Blacked Out Hot: Anyone. Everything. That plant over there. That cheeseburger. Your bed. The toilet. The regret.

Straight Up A Good Looking Individual: I Hate Entourage. I Hate Turtle. I Will Say This Everyday Until It Gets Old.

8 Reactions to this post

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  1. Anonymous said... January 9, 2011 at 1:16 AM

    How about the Hot Friend who has (unfortunately for you) put you in the friend category from day 1, but will still chat with you online when you stumble in alone from your nightly escapades and put up with your drunken flirting in exchange for your sober friendship?

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