Saturday, June 29, 2013

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Not to be insensitive, but a 100,000 piece, $23,000 dollar Lego helicopter is like a reckless youth magnet.  They basically had no choice but to fuck this helicopter all the way up.

With that said, Ryan "The Brickman" McNaught has full right to vigilante murder the shit out of these kids.  When your name is The Brickman, there probably isn't much else in your life after Legos. On a related note, there's no greater, more confusing pain than when someone disrespects your Legos.  Granted mine always looked awful and had more "fern" pieces than I would like to admit, but I completely sympathize with whatever this guy's retaliation.

PS.  I'm not going to lie to you guys, this happened:

One summer, I found myself with a bucket of Legos, lots of time and a few beers.  The result was one of the greatest physical compositions known to man.  It was destroyed by roughly 15 snot nosed, "reckless" youth. I was overpowered shortly after this picture was taken and I've never been more emotionally vacant.  Could have done anything at that point.  But I grew and just tucked this awful memory in the back of my mind until this blog.  So yeah, I'd support the death penalty for these asshole kids.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

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Whoa.  Next level dong, but almost too much dong to deal with.  Shit is just dragging in the dirt like it's not a sexual reproductive organ or anything.  Dude's literally rockin' with a fifth leg.

Well fellas, it's officially dong alert time.  A real gut check moment to really feel bad about yourself.  But let's not get too sad so we can make fun of the Tapir for a second.  Pretty basic animal, right?  It has a weird faux hawk, the body screams "blah" and it generally doesn't look healthy.  Welp, none of that matters when you're swinging Thor's hammer. 

Tons of respect for the Tapir, aka the Ron Jeremy of the animal kingdom.
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This picture. It is everything. The 'fro. The hat. The 'fro again. The comical height differential. The smile on Stern's face like he's being forced to do this. Everything.

But that afro. Jesus Christ, it's amazing. He had to have stolen it off of Cleveland from "Family Guy," it's that well coiffed. A family of birds can nest inside of it. It could be used to make a sweater more comfortable than one made of lamb's wool. I can't get enough of it. I actually made this my cover photo on Facebook.

The NBA: Where Amazing Happens.
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I found a can of peaches under my old desk at work. Doesn't that look good, aside from the fact that it's peach season and I can get a fresh peach practically any damn where?

But I'm at work, so supplies are limited. Here's another but.
See all that yuck on the can? It's DUST. 
I don't know how long it takes peaches to go bad after the "Best By" date, but let's hope it's longer than six months and nine days. Stay tuned for this and more exciting details about shit that doesn't really matter.
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Predictably, the triumph of Texas state senator Wendy Davis's historic 13-hour filibuster is a bit dampened by internet speculation of whether or not she peed, and if she used "a device" of some kind. Let's further dilute her achievements.

Personally, I would have diapered up if I anticipated facing hours of standing with no escape. The very thought gives me anxiety. The urgasmic relief of finally going has brought me to tears. The unforgiving urgency to urinate has brought me to tears. Tears that I've hoped would somehow help route the urine through my eyes, because it's way more socially acceptable to cry in public than it is to pee.

I'm a chick, but I have a bladder the size of an old raisin, with about as much ability to hold liquids. And I don't even have kids yet. Pregnancy is no friend to the bladder from what I've heard. It's a piss-laden downhill slope from here. Wendy Davis is a hero on many levels.

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This tweet from Sports Illustrated's Peter King about Aaron Hernandez is so dumb that my IQ dropped 17 points. While in college, Hernandez was a bit of a bad apple, and now that he's been arrested for murder, King is going all sanctimonious doucher on us.

Basically, King is saying that there is some kind of correlation here? I don't know. Hernandez smoked weed in college and got in trouble, so it's obvious that he was going to drafted lower and, eventually, kill somebody (maybe multiple people!).

If that's the case, I must implore all my friends to immediately stop the consumption of marijuana. As @ConcernedMom420 always tells us, weed smokers are bad and, along with homosexuality and atheists, have a one way ticket to hell.

Oh, and for what it's worth: Tom Brady was drafted 199th. Remember that the next time there's a terrorist attack or someone holding up the line at Chipotle.
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Don't know if you caught that baller-ass blog two posts below, but I have added ANOTHER new writer.  When it rains it pours, I guess.  His name's Flip and fun fact: he was one of the water boys on my high school basketball team.  Fantastic bringer of water.

A little bit about Flip:

1)  He's still in college, so he'll probably only post about funneling and beer pong.

2)  I've "stolen" quite a bit of content from him over the last year as he seems to be just as weird of an internet user as I am.

3)  He's actually a writer too.  Journalism major and writes on several other blogs.  I'm like the side-side-around-the-corner-chick.  Cool with it though.

4)  Big time sports fan.  Namely a Patriots fan.  Formerly an Aaron Hernandez fan.  You know, before he committed murder in his backyard and had it recorded on his home security system.

That's it.  This blog got super weird over the last 24 hours, but I hope you like it.  Just want to add more content.  As the great philosopher Kanye West once stated, "No one man should have all that power."  
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David Hasselhoff is trying to shake his...shaky image as a drunken, sloppy hamburger eater caught on video. His new comic, aptly named The Hoff, will launch in London this weekend. Apparently The Hoff is a time-traveling agent of Heroes of Fearless Freedom (H.O.F.F., naturally) and will join forces with the Funk Commandos to...well, we'll find out this weekend, I guess. I'm sleep deprived and just stopped caring. I hope there's a hamburger in there somewhere. But stay with us as this presumed comic disaster unfolds. Maybe my "DON'T HASSEL THE HOFF" T-shirt will be worth something after all. Probably not.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

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Remember that episode of Chappelle when Dave did his own version of "Cribs" and one of the two dinosaur eggs he owned cracked, only to reveal a baby dino? Dave claimed that was the most baller shit EVER.

This dude one ups it.

He looks like your average super white person with a lot of money and teeth whiter than Paula Deen. But NEVER judge a book by it's spray-tanned cover.

That dude divorced his wife of 43 years. Alright whatever.

The settlement was $250 million. A lot, but Alex Rodriguez gets paid that much to do nothing. Again, whatever.

He mass e-mailed an orgy he had with three ladies in the back of his limo. Alright, cool, whatev.....WAIT WHAT.

This dude has basically achieved every person's dream: you get back at your ex in the craziest way you can imagine. Some highlights:

  • "I Love It" by Icona Pop played in the background. I would have gone with "Cry Me A River" and stared directly into the camera the entire time but whatever.
  • This video was shot in the south of France because of course.
  • He straight tells the women to have sex with each other and they do it. I can't even convince my girlfriend to take the same car with me to the bar. He wins. At everything.
Congrats, Orange Dude. All you gotta do now is have a coat made of white panda (choked out by Hulk Hogan)/bald eagle and a $2 million chandelier of expensive chicken dinners you've eaten over the years and you'll out-baller Chappelle.

Oh, and by the way, I'm Flip. I'm the new guy.

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Completely understandable why you don't have cellies, my man.  This was definitely one of those, "Nah, I'll take your word for it.  No need to explain" moments where the guy just happened to explain.

But sometimes you stick your arm up a dudes butt, give him a swirlie and attempt to hurl him off of a scaffolding and you just HAVE to tell someone.  I get that too.  Sometimes I brag about modeling Excel sheets.  Same thing. 

It's like when someone pees on an electrical fence that says, "Caution: Live Wire."  Except this time it's rape and shooting people in the face.  Regardless, no more cellies.
// //
So apparently there's this gross coat made of dudes' chest hair commissioned by Arla, a company that peddles Wing-co a high-protein milk drink marketed to men in their 30s and 40s. What's the connection? Does this inanimate creature demonstrate the importance of diet on hair growth?

Questions about the coat:

Is it gonna live in a museum somewhere? Is it going to be worn by mascots of this man-milk drink?
Was any of the hair contributed by David Hasselhoff, Will Ferrell or Steve Guttenberg?

On the count of three, look vacant and junked out. Nailed it. 

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These are just going to get MORE annoying with overuse.

1) THIS. If you're too lazy to click on the Urban Dictionary says:

One-word response placed after a quote on a message board as an affirmation of the author's agreement with the quoted person's view or opinion. Commonly used on

2) Saying a thing, and then "because" (either the thing or another thing). E.g.: "I love this bacon cupcake, because bacon!" "Your calculation is incorrect, and you should fix it, because MATH."

Speaking of lazy, I lifted this from my Facebook status. I thought I'd start off on aWMD by half-assing it. But I guarantee that I will add to this list. Because annoying trends!

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Took long enough.  I was beginning to lose faith in humanity when I was unable to find one person good enough to sling the funny with me on a daily basis.  It finally happened and I'd like to proudly introduce "The Elisabeth" (so cocky to go with an "s" instead of a "z", I like it).

A little bit about Elisabeth: 

1)  She answered my "How do you feel about black people?" question with this:
If you can't read that, it says, "Elisabeth, My source tells me you're really good at black people.  Keep it up, Baratunde Thurston."  

Baratunde Thurston wrote this:

So I guess she's good?

2)  She brought up Shaun Livingston's knee injury for no reason at all, which is always a plus.

3)  She's actually a good writer and sits with journalists and stuff, so she probably HATES my writing.  

4)  This site needed some ovaries.

5)  She doesn't care, hasn't brought up, forgot to ask doesn't mind writing for free.  That means she sees some potential in this ol' hunk of junk.  

That's it.  I'm still going to be posting my usual nonsense, you'll just happen to have more nonsense available to you to get you through the work day.  No this doesn't mean I've stopped looking for other writers, I'm trying to make this thing big.  Keep applying.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

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Well, shit.  I'm going to have some very fucked out dreams tonight and it's no fault but mine.  I had no reason to dig into the depths of the internet this late at night.  Only bad things happen when you get to a certain level of internet.  In this case, I stumbled on a terrifying video of "Toy Story" Woody going absolutely HAM in Grand Theft Auto IV.  I'll tell you what - I didn't need that.  Not one bit.  Ruined all the Toy Story movies for me, I more or less threw my Playstation out of the window, and I'm going to be super startled for the rest of the night.

Despite it all, "You Got A Friend In Me" is STILL a jam.  It withstood a truly horrifying video and still prevailed as being a song I'd still listen to.  It's over for the movies and the video games.  Those are dead to me.  But that song is just a treat no matter how you slice it.  Might mess around and spend $0.99 on it in iTunes.
// //
Hate it or love it, this hipster is partying pretty hard 

Call me old fashioned, but I kinda enjoy the drinking aspect of alcohol.  Can't really picture myself at the bar huffing Bud Light without looking like a total asshole.  Actually drinking a drink is half the appeal next to getting drunk.  You can't dump a vapor shot of Jim Beam over your shoulder like a normal washed-up drinker, you actually have to absorb that shit or else the environment is affected.  Hell, that shot can seep into the atmosphere and intoxicate a baby strolling by outside.  Can't have involuntary babyslaughter on your record all because you were too much of a bitch to swallow/inhale/? a cloud of whiskey.  

My official stance is that I'm against smoking alcohol until they create an over-the-shoulder dumping mechanism for the occasions when someone orders whiskey shots that I don't want.  Until then, I'll just let this bro sort through his Busch Heavies and Maker's Mark as he contemplates indie music and wooden bicycles or some shit.

Monday, June 24, 2013

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Hey fellas, have you ever actually typed in the word "Buzzfeed" into your address bar?  No?  Not once?  Well how do we find out about the 40 Cutest Puppies or the 13 Gifs To Make Your Monday Better then?

Girls.  You guys fucking love Buzzfeed.  Don't get me wrong, it's a solid website, but god damn is it repetitive and takes almost zero brain power to compose.  I love puppies as much as the next person, but at a certain point I'm all set.  In the end, I just kinda want to pet one instead of watching gifs of them trying to get out a paper bag, you know?  With that said, how many girls linked to Buzzfeed on their Facebook/Twitter or emailed you a link to a Buzzfeed article today?  And ladies, how many of you got hypnotized by an article on Buzzfeed and instinctively decided to put the link on social media?  The numbers may startle you.  

As an amateur sociologist, I'll make the wild claim that Buzzfeed = porn for girls.  You guys can't get enough gifs of otters doing funny things like guys incessantly watch people fornicate.  It's science, obviously.

Friday, June 21, 2013

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Just the biggest nerd in rap.  Love his music, but dude has such a bad identity crisis that it's almost becoming sad.  I mean he was basically getting posterized by Dan LeBatard and JA Adande at the entrance to the Heat locker room.  Didn't put up any fight or drop any "Do you know who the fuck I am?" type of lines.  He just took the L, sulked a bit, and got ready for the club.  But then this happened:

Finally meet up with "I swear he's my friend" LeBron and puts on the biggest goober face ever.  Dude's reacting like a preteen girl meeting Bieber or something.  Stop trying to be something you're not, Drizzy.  You're a nerd, you're not a thug, you're articulate, you grew up in a good neighborhood, please don't try to be that guy and embrace who you really are:

Thursday, June 20, 2013

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Yeah, maybe this guy doesn't inspire the most confidence:

But I'm still most definitely in.  If you're brash enough to make a candy that simulates urine in a toilet, you must be bringing the heat from a flavor standpoint.  So eerie, so much potential to be great and ultimately, so Japanese.  I thought Japan peaked with the Playstation.  Nope, couldn't have been more incorrect.  Foaming toilet candy is the new wave and you need to get on board or press "X" on your browser right away

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

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There's a dick-smashing epidemic going on and it's NOT good.  Toddler boys nationwide are just crushing their nuts with the top seat of potties.  It's a damn shame.  Oh well, story time:

I'm pretty sure I never got potty-trained.  That means I was either way too awesome/smart to be taught such a remedial thing or that I was incapable of learning how to use the bathroom.  Based on my skills now, I'm not quite sure which one.  All I do know is that I had vivid memories of falling through the seat on an embarrassingly consistent basis and trying to pee from far distances.  That's all the bathroom meant to me.  I knew I was probably going to fall into the toilet and/or attempt to break a piss distance record.  There was never a penis related fear that I had to deal with unrelated to pissing all over the floor.  Are kids rocking hammers down there now?

The world is a terrible place to bring a child into right now.  Crazy people everywhere, the country's in severe debt, the environment is shit and toilet seats are smushing toddler penises.  Don't rush to have kids, people.
// //

Good lord.  Just a couple of dogs crying for help and visually begging the photographer to put a stop to all of this.  As pure of an insult as possible for that little dog in the bottom left.  You can barely see him, he got painted shit-green, and they tossed him into a fucking trash can.  Like he wasn't worth the time or something.  Very sad.  Big dog was just maimed to the n'th degree out there.  My man has a bird on his ass for crying out loud and a laughably disproportionate Elmo on his back legs.  He looks like an asshole and knows it.  

The only play here is that these dogs just revolt violently, kill all humans in the vicinity, and defecate on their bodies.  Hell, I won't even be upset if these dogs knocked on my door and gave me a world-class ass-whooping for even posting this.   

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

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I'm wavering between, "monkeys are awesome" and "kill it with fire."  Can't really decide yet.  On the one hand, it's obedient as hell and very selfless.  He thoroughly wants to give his owner all the change, the soda, and basically anything else.  On the other hand, he's a monkey and he's very smart.  Like understands basic concepts of cause and effect smart.  CANNOT have that floating around this world.  I'm very only so smart so it's pretty evident that a pack of 2-3 of these things can absolutely ruin me.  Beat me up, throw feces at me, steal change from my pocket to buy sodas and then leave me to die.  Getting emasculated by small monkeys is not something that I'm trying to get involved in at this juncture of my life.

Verdict: Kill it with fire.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

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Boys vs. Girls.  The oldest, strangest, hormone-fueled fight that we've all engaged in.  As men, we start out hating them, we get confused by them, then we become terrified of them, start liking them, become obsessed with them, start living with them, and finally die with them.  Really weird stuff.  With that said, these kids fucking HATE girls.

You can tell how upset Troy and Mike were by the amount of different markers they used for the exclamation points.

Jesus, guys.  No need to blow up Patti Mayonnaise like that.  Can't knock their logic though.  I imagine that a girl would be less than thrilled to receive a bomb.  I do love the addition of "Help."

Ingenuity.  If there is one thing that girls hate, it's getting hit by a wrecking ball.  Sneaky impressed by the correct spelling of "wrecking."

Troy and Mike spent this entire page #TurntUp

Morbid from a "your kid is probs gonna be a serial killer" perspective, but alas, there's nothing more annoying than being dead.  I'd be so pissed if I was dead.  They didn't even give this dead stick figure chick enough respect to spell "stupid" out in it's own line.

What did we learn?

1)  These kids are going to be serial killers.  We know this now and will be shocked when something bad happens 20 years from now.

2)  A Bomb and Wrecking Ball are pretty creative annoyances.

3)  The "Wow"s and the "Help"s really brought this thing together.
// //

Begs the obvious question: how did this person find out that their dog's asshole looked like the big JC?  This is one of those things you kinda have to stare at for a second to connect the dots.  Easy from our perspective since this is a still framed shot with a pretty pronounced "face-down, ass-up" profile, but very difficult to pick up at home.  Whoever found this had to do a thorough investigation of this dog's butt and for that I commend them.  Internet gems don't come without a little canine asshole investigation these days.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

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First off, I'm super jealous that I never got on this "oculolinctus" train back in middle school.  I was too busy putzing around looking for a kiss on the cheek like an absolute herb.  I imagine it's MUCH easier to get an eyeball lick than a kiss on the cheek in the "getting some ass" heirarchy.  So provacative, so gross.  I think 7th grade Dub would have been DTL all day, everyday.

Secondly, I'm never having kids.  Wasn't thrilled about the idea of cleaning diapers to begin with and now you can add in the fact that they're going to undoubtedly grow up to be sexual deviants at the rate that we're going.  Can't imagine what "show you mine and you show me yours" has evolved into these days let alone in the years when I'm procreating.  

My kid is already doomed to be a blogger, I can't have him/her running around with juvenile syphilis too.  

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

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If you were having some GoT withdrawal, feel free to fly out to Belfast, Ireland, pop some MDMA and get really weird with Hodor.  This is probably the best case scenario for this dude.  You can only go through your acting career literally acting like an idiot without a release for so long.  Sometimes a guy needs to press some buttons on an iPod, hold his hand to his headphones, and close his eyes to pretend he's focused on the music he just pressed play on like the rest of the DJs out there.  

How does it make you feel that Ho-Doh is out here picking up girls and doing cocaine off of strippers' asses while simultaneously acting as the weirdest wheelchair in the game?

Monday, June 10, 2013

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What I learned:  I have no support system and arguably zero real friends, my girlfriend potentially wants me to get fat and die, and that I have a problem.  And that's strictly what I learned while I stood in line waiting for this monstrosity.

Did I want to bow out and just order a sausage, egg & cheese croissant?  Definitely.  But because I write a middling blog, hate healthy decision making and was too far away from any other breakfast establishment, I never had a choice.  I stood in line and literally had no gameplan.  No real Plan A or B.  I saw the attendant and knew just by looking in her eyes, that she was not prepared for what I was about to say.

Me: Can I get the Glazed Donut Bacon Egg & Cheese Sandwich please?

Attendant:  (confused laughter) What?

Me: It's the new promotional sandwich you guys are running.  It's a sandwich made from two glazed donuts, egg, bacon and cheese.

Attendant:  (genuine concern) Why do you want that?

Me:  Honestly, I don't know.

::5 minutes go by while the attendant, the coffee maker, and the manager struggle to understand what I ordered and battle with the machine to find the correct button to process the order.  A line has began to form::

Me:  You know, I actually don't.....

Attendant:  Ohh, I found it.  This is the first time I have made this.

Me:  This is hopefully the only time you ever make this

And it was done.  It's like I willfully paid for a pill that would lower my life expectancy by 5 years.  Two people in the line cheered me on and said good luck, which is certainly not a great sign by any means.  I slugged home, thought about tossing it in the trash and was ready to face my destiny:

Initial thoughts: 1) Wasn't awful  2) Haircut was needed weeks ago  3) Not that filling, could have eaten two.  4) If you look at the picture closely, you can hear my heart screaming and my soul crying.

There, I did it.  I know no one asked me and frankly no one cared that I would do it or not, but it's done.  I hate all of you for it.  I saw no, "Dub, don't do it!!!" emails.  No concerned text messages.  Not even a "that shit's gross" to deter me from this horrible quest.  You guys just watched me go ahead and die a little bit.


Thursday, June 6, 2013

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Texas doing it big as usual.  Big steaks, big hats, and prostitute killing laws akin to Grand Theft Auto.  Can't knock them for ignoring basic societal norms and just going with their gut.

In this case, the defendant was acquitted because he believed that sex was included as part of the fee.  A gripe definitely worthy of a bad Yelp review or a stern phone call to this woman's pimp, but shooting her?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I have never ventured into the ho trick scallywag slag escort game because I'm not a vagrant, but I'm pretty confident that at some point you have to know that you're not conducting normal business.  Transactions in the escort world don't work like they do at your local Arby's.  You know you're getting that Jr. Roast Beef with the disgusting sauce, while with an escort you're not 100% entitled to your Jr. Roast Beef with the disgusting sauce (if you read that like I did, you probably threw up.  whatevs. I'm keeping it).  

Because Texas essentially produced the "Friday Night Lights" television show, I have given it a lot of leeway with it's extensive problems, i.e. racism, sexism, overly aggressive food portions, prison system, allowing the killing of prostitutes, etc.  Riggins can't get you out of every jam, assholes.

Texas Forever Texas Sometimes Texas Occasionally?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

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There's no salty look quite like the "I was brutally murdered in front of the entire planet on national television" salty look.  Not even trying to keep a low profile either.  Dude is glum as hell.

Chill with the umbrella, brah, you're King of the North.
// //

"I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you." - Silky Johnson, Playa Hater's Ball (Chappelle Show)

I honestly think Bieber did everything wrong to the point where he seemed like he was 100% trolling while simultaneously 100% not trolling.  He has officially reached a strange level of douchebag that we have never witnessed before.  There once was a time when wearing sunglasses indoors was just about the worst thing that you can do.  Well, it's 2013 and based on this picture, that's not true anymore.  There are way worse things that you can do.

You can rock a Miami Heat hat that screams "I have no idea who that Chalmers guy is, but LeBron is just so AWESOME."  You can wear a leather shirt with sleeves that suspiciously cut off at the biceps.  You can get a tiger tattoo on your "bicep."  You can wear lip gloss out in public - not chap stick, lip gloss.  And you can also look extremely disinterested like someone dragged you to game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals.  These things will all make you look terrible as an individual.

Of course this is all null and void if Bieber is rooting for Miami just for another shot at this moment:

Monday, June 3, 2013

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Kinda have a weird feeling about sloths these days.  At first they were hilarious, then they were cute and now I think I'm scared of them.  For example, this sloth is 100% doing this:

Are we cool with that?  Sloths just throwing up deuces and chillin' in bowls?  I feel like we're giving these things a little too much leeway.  At first we were just happy to see them existing in their natural habitat.  Climbing trees and getting eaten by leopards was THE sloth thing to do.  Now they're in bowls, in stupid internet memes, and becoming animal celebrities.  Plus they can actually smile like people.  That really bothers me from a "they be demons" standpoint.

PS. I'd still buy one in a second.  These things must make unreal TV watching partners.
// //

Looks like it's curtains for me, gang.  It happened before with the McGriddle, it happened again with the Sausage Pancake Bites and it's going to happen again with the Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich.  My brain just clicks when something disgusting is introduced into the fast food fold.  It's like how Batman is entrusted to protect Gotham City except not and much more gross.

Glazed donut, cardboard bacon, a yellow claymation egg and a lot of lost dignity stand between me and achieving my next disgusting fast food goal.  Yes, I'll itis hard.  Yes, I'll probably call out sick for work the next day, but I'll be damned if you forget that ya boy Dub tried this nasty ass sandwich first.  That's not really something to be proud of, but I have a God complex for some reason, this satisfies it.