Friday, February 28, 2014

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"Am I a bear or am I society's characterization of what a bear should be?"

Yikes, bears have officially become too self-aware to the point where they are becoming systemically depressed.  At first I thought they were on their way to becoming "Planet of the Apes" smart, but now it seems like they have turned a disastrous corner.

It all started with this happy ass bear:

Waving and shit.  Returning people's greetings.  That was when I first got worried.  It was clearly evident that they were trying to butter us up at this point.  Lower our defenses and strike.

Then they somehow developed opposable thumbs, complex thought and potentially learned how to drive cars.  This was what we in the business like to call "Code: Awwww Shit."

Nope.  They just ended up depressed.  With great intellectual capabilities comes great responsibility.  Just pop in some Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne and Papa Roach and everything will be ok, Bear.  

Thursday, February 27, 2014

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1) Taco Bell released a Waffle Taco breakfast sandwich thing

Seeing that this exists is like a mouse seeing cheese in a trap.  It wants the cheese, but recognizes the fact that he will likely die if he eats it.  That's me right now.  I know those can't possibly be chicken eggs in there.  In fact, it's even harder to imagine what eggs those can possibly be.  Probably an animal that can't anatomically lay eggs.  And guess what?  I still really, really want to eat this thing because I have SIGNIFICANT food related problems.

Verdict: my mind's telling me no, but my body, my body'ssssss telling me y...fuck no.  This is bad.  Real bad.

2) This haircut that's supposed to be the Jordan logo, but is actually a stick figure swinging a mallet while running

You know when the barber gives you the mirror so you can look at the sides of your head?  Yeah, I don't think that happened here.  What he did do was potentially ruined this poor kid's life for the foreseeable future.  Can't go into school with a bootleg Jordan logo on your head.  Social suicide.  But hey, the barber tried. 

He just fell in love with angles and did NOT fall in love with detail.  Happens to the best of us from time to time.  This kid, unfortunately, could get bullied out of school.  Nothing could ruin your elementary/middle school standing quite like a fucked up haircut.  Kid has to go bald or retire from school and become a street vagrant.  No other choice at this point.

Verdict: I feel for this kid.  I've had a fucked up haircut and turned it into a baldy.  Takes a big man and ultimately prevents you from being homeless.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

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Yeah, maybe a gross misspelling of a 3D globe-trotting ape wasn't exactly the answer here, but god dammit this woman took a shot.  Nothing worse than Final Jeopardy answers that are left blank.  Toss one up into the end zone.  Make a fool of yourself.  Become a blog post on WMD.

Sonic has GOT to be pissed, huh?  None of the Sega guys get any love out here.  I mean, Vectorman might be the least respected video game character of my generation:

I remember all of my friends were like "That game looks pretty cool, but Genesis?  Ew." Sonic was the only thing holding that system together and people can't even pull together a Final Jeopardy answer without pooping all over Sega's face.

On another completely different note, the mine level in Donkey Kong Country legitimately made me cry.  For like an hour.  I treated that level like an alcoholic treats booze.  I played because it hurt so good and it hurt so good because I played.  

Monday, February 24, 2014

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Remember back in the day when a raccoon would go into your trash can and that would be a minor inconvenience?  Those days are gone now and we have to start investigating ideas on how to exit Earth because coconut crabs have effectively taken over the planet.

This begs the question: what happened to the raccoons?  Were they pushed off their turf "The Wire" style?  Or, more likely, were they brutally eaten by these monster robot crabs?  Either way, the suburban trash can game belongs to the crabs now.  In fact, I think our houses belong to the crabs now.  These things basically went from non-existant to digging in our trash cans in the span of 24 hours.  Not good.

If they become one ounce more self-aware it's time to send an email to Lance Bass to find out if he has room in that spaceship he was meaning to fly out in 2005.  I'm sure the N'Sync money isn't flowing like I used to, so if we all pitch in a little bit we can get out of here.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

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I read the headline and thought, "Please, PLEASE don't be a black guy", but low and behold it's the most deer-in-the-headlights black guy we've seen in recent memory.

Don't know how to sum it up more than that.  Just an unfortunate scenario, supermarket, picture, and pants situation going on here.  There's nothing we can do about it.  There's nothing he can do about it.  His drawers are covered in rib juice and that's on him.

The silver lining is the AMAZING advertising that this presents for Piggly Wiggly.  Ribs so fucking good that people have made the rational decision to stuff $100 worth into their underwear and tried to steal it.

Takes a big man to slow cook and baste some ribs that incubated in ball sweat.  A big man.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

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...of a fucking snake bite

That's like railing up lines of HIV and being surprised that you got HIV. Is it possible to rail up lines of HIV? Probably not. Do I have any medical knowledge of this? Definitely not. 

Dude claimed that snake bites only kill those who are not anointed with God's love. Um...any moron with 20 brain cells to rub together knows better than to rely on such wild speculation. I know for a fact that there's a first class booth waiting for me in Hell, and I probably only have about 15 working brain cells. (Nitrous oxide is a hell of a gas.)

Behold: The new face for Douchebags with fedoras. 

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So petty.  If I was Melo and saw this, I might start crying.  That's some technologically crude shit.  First you have the unbelievably stupid, copyright-infringing Flappy Bird game and then you have the New York Knicks.  Two failed and confusing franchises.  Combine that with the NBA narrative of "Melo can't win" and we're all crying.

As far as Melo goes, I dig his game.  The Wizard of Jab-Step is A-OK in my book.  When you're playing with Fat Ray Felton and JR "#TheTurnUpIsReal" Smith, your game is going to be criticized a bit.  Also, when you're the best point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward and (possibly) center on the team and you only get the ball with 6 seconds left on the shot clock, things aren't going to go smoothly 100% of the time from an offensive standpoint.  I always think that it's bullshit when people blame HIM for the Knicks shortcomings.

That should be James Dolan's head in Melo's place.  Dude has squandered upwards of $300M away, lost out on countless all-stars and future HOFers, and traded away all of the team's first round picks.  I may legitimately have a mortgage before the Knicks have first round draft pick.

Yes, I've laughed at this picture on 5-10 different occasions.  Doesn't mean it isn't stupid.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

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Lil Kim version 16.0 17.0 17.2 is finally here.  It's like one of those AOL packets that kept showing up in your mailbox in 1999 that you never wanted except this one kinda hurts.  I have a history with Kimberly.  "How Many Licks" thrust me into a world I couldn't possibly understand.  She straight up took my puberty away and for that, I owe her.  I think?

So obviously this begs the question of "Why?"  Lots of whys.  

Why did you get pregnant, Kim? You look like a bootleg Madame Toussaud version of yourself.  

Why did you impregnate her, random guy?  Unless it was planned (it wasn't) this is an all-time "Safe Sex" practicing night.  When you convince yourself that you are going to have sex with Lil Kim, you have to also have a tangential agreement with yourself that you have at least 50 condoms/dental dams/saran wrap related products on your person.  Remember Bubble Boy?  Yeah, like that.

But when did we start losing Kim?

First things first, this is the most bonkers number organization that I have ever seen. Disorienting as shit.  And it's safe to say that we never really "had" Kim in the first place.  She was just kept in check better at certain points than others. 

She temporarily turned white in 2004, got fat-faced in 2005, lost her cheeks in 2009, turned white again in 2011, turned Asian in 2012 and died once in 2013.  It's safe to say she's transformed a bit.  It's 2014 and we're onto "she's growing a life inside her now" mode.  

Let's pray this baby doesn't come out looking like fucking Ivan Ooze.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

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This guy just made it happen.  You know how you wake up some mornings and crave some food?  Well, this guy woke up one day and really wanted a duck for some reason.  He didn't sit and whine about it.  Nor did he complain about not having one.  He made a goal from himself and attained it.

Now we're not going to get into the messy "How?" question here since there aren't many ethical ways to acquire a duck in 2014.  Maybe he straight up stole one from it's mother in a random pond.  Maybe his local pet store was having a sale on ducks.  We'll never know and we won't dive into it.  Let's just be excited for "Browned Out Name" and his new duck baby.  There's basically no way that any of this can go wrong.

Monday, February 10, 2014

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God damn, man.  This is the saddest picture that I have ever seen.  I can't help but look at this and hear Sarah McLachlan's voice telling me that I can save this Cup of Noodles for $0.33 a day.

And what's with that shit poor contraption they gave him?  Dude is just pushing a dustpan around hoping to make something happen out there.  Where are you pushing the snow, Cup?  There are Mondays when your Excel completely shuts down before you saved and there are Mondays when you are dressed in a cup costume pushing snow outside of your employer's strangely titled museum dedicated to your likeness.  Puts things in perspective.

Friday, February 7, 2014

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Classic "replace an obvious circle with a much smaller snow flake and hope no one notices" move by Russia here.  It works for so many reasons.  Actually just one.  They fucked up.  

Love the enthusiasm, though.  It's like planning to bring flowers to a girl on Valentine's Day, forgetting to buy flowers, and picking up a daffodil out of the dirt before you get to her door.  Shit effort, but effort nonetheless.

How about Sochi killing it this year, huh?  Semen on the hotel sheets, brown ass water, and a mass genocide of stray dogs.  That's basically the ineptitude trifecta.  My favorite #SochiProblem is most definitely the open manhole covers:

The audacity of the city to not put forth the effort to close these holes of doom is downright remarkable.  But hey, consistency, right?  You can't have all 5 Olympic rings if you have open manhole covers, dead dogs and gay-bashing going on.  In a way, Sochi is just throwing a fast ball down the plate every pitch and just daring us to hit it.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

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Nothing like good ol' fashioned racism to kick off Black History Month.  Can't get mad at them either since they have to squeeze in so much into so few days.

Not gonna lie, fried chicken, cornbread and watermelon sounds like a BOMB ass lunch.  That's not just the black in me either.  That's the "I like to eat good food" in me.  Show me a white person that doesn't like fried chicken, cornbread or watermelon and I'll show you a real, genuine racist with a terrible palette.

Out of all the disparaging stereotypes that are associated with black people, the fried chicken and watermelon stereotype is definitely in the top two.  And honestly, the best part of this whole thing is the "Diversity Assembly" that they are going to hold to discuss the matter.  Man, WUT?  Are kids going to be in a panel-like scenario airing their grievances on the shit they ate for lunch one afternoon?  CBS, NBC, FOX and most of all Comedy Central need to be there with bells on filming this.  This shit might bring Dave Chappelle out of retirement.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

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I'm convinced that this baby is at least 10-15 years older than me.  Dude came out of the womb concerned about his 401k and whether his investments were diversified enough.  Wasn't worried about pooping himself and juice boxes.  Bonus tidbit: he's the Benjamin Button of Birdman.  

"But you're supposed to put butter in the pan, not Canola Oil" - What I imagine he's trying to say if his old yet underdeveloped brain was able to create language.  

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What does this girl know?  You can't take anyone that writes on a napkin with a purple gel pen seriously.  Plus, this chick inexplicably stopped this list at 31.  Not 30.  Thirty fucking one.  All in all, I'm going to take this with a grain of salt, but according to Dr. Drew over here, I'm a pretty shitty boyfriend.

1) Nice handwriting - Yikes, tough start. 


2) Cuteness - Easy money.

3) Likes Parents - And parents like me

4) Not living with parents - Check.  This is starting to sound like the first verse of "No Scrubs"

5) Good manners - I put napkins in my lap at dinner and stick my pinky out when I drink wine.

6) Good artist - The first time I colored outside of the lines I wanted to jump off the roof.  Retired after that.

7) Dresses well - Own two tie clips, so I think so.

8) Takes you to nice places - Quite possibly the only thing that I'm sure of on this list.

9) Nice place - I'd give it a B-  in decor and an A in location.  

10) Likes children/Wants Children - Love kids.  I think they're legitimately idiots, but they're great.

11) Nice jewelry - Livestrong bracelet circa '05-'08

12) Listens - Wut?

13) Don't pick your nose - Can't stop, won't stop.

14) No kissing on first date - Hitch method.  I go 90, you go 10.  You're the one doing the kissing.

15) Marry someone who respects you - Hard not to get behind this.

16) Smart - Almost too smart.

17) Good cook - I contributed heavily into making Jambalaya recently.  

18) Has a good job - I write blogs and work for the "man", so probably?

19) Always happy - I'm very gay, most of the time.

20) Clean - At 7:50 am on weekday mornings.  Any other time? I can't make any guarantees.

21) Respect different religions - I'm on Team "Whatever gets you through the day"

22) Last name not weird - I have the most basic, slave-times last name ever.  I think we'll be ok here.

23) Very fun - I own a Playstation, c'mon.

24) Makes you laugh - *Checks name plate* *Sees "Dub Jeezy"* *Gives thumbs up*

25) Eats healthy - I have a customer rewards card to three separate burrito establishments. So umm..

26) Takes care of body - I'm jacked for someone who has a customer rewards card to three separate burrito establishments.

27) Doesn't Tattletale - Snitches get stitches.

28) Brushes teeth and floss - Literally bled profusely for ten minutes after flossing last night.

29) Likes your job - I like blogs, but don't like the man.  Neutral.

30) Take care of pet - I look at pictures of puppies on a daily basis.  I'd probably be a shitty puppy dad though.

31) Doesn't smoke - Gross.

Overall, not too bad.  Somewhere my girlfriend has realized that she made a huge mistake.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

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Cute letter, kid.  Despite you butchering that "a" so early on and inexplicably sending Santa a letter in February, this thing pulled at my heart strings.  I was once like you Kinnell (arguably the whitest name I've ever heard) and thought about Pokemon being real, but then I realized I'm not a big fan of apocalypses. 

A coalition of these adorable bros:

Would take over the world in like 45 minutes.  You're going to get a call that your buddy's grandma got electrocuted by a fucking medium-sized yellow rat and she died.  Squirtle will stomp his way to the White House and waterboard the entire Obama administration.  Shit will be absolutely tragic.  All because of you, Kinnell.

PS. All fun and games until someone has sex with Jynx (the Pokemon built through racism that we just accepted) and justifies it by saying "I thought she was just an overweight black woman that lost her nose in an accident."

Monday, February 3, 2014

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Post-Super Bowl Monday, my voice is gone, my stomach is trying to kill itself and I'm fairly certain that I Google'd Bruno Mars for like 45 minutes last night.  I'm not going to say that I am desperate, but I certainly needed this guy to take a picture holding the letter "T" in front of Urban Outfitters.  

Just to paint a picture, I looked at this pic for like 30 seconds and thought "I don't get it", before I realized that my neurons weren't synapsing.  Thank you, man.  Thank you.