Monday, December 30, 2013

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^conversion: roughly 2000 Colombian Pesos = 1 US Dollar

For those that don't know, I was in Medellin, Colombia all of last week traversing the world and getting cultured.  In the midst of chopping it up with Pablo Escobar's ghost and stupidly playing with stray dogs, I came across the most racist ice cream ever.

There are different types of racism.  One type is the completely subtle, institutionalized brand that occurs throughout the world on a daily basis.  Another type is the completely overt, in-your-face-black-guy-on-a-chocolate-ice-cream-container racism that I almost kinda like.  Almost.

Colombia came out of the gates extremely hard.  The Mimo's marketing team damn near smashed the accelerator on this one.  It's so straight forward and to the point that, as a black guy, I have to respect it.  This ice cream is for the layman.  The type of person that has no fucking clue what chocolate ice cream may look like inside of the container.  The type of person that needs to openly think, "Ohhh, this ice cream looks like a black guy" before making an informed purchase.  I mean, they knocked "Cafe Mocha" out of the god damn park.

Money is green and that's all that Mimo's cares about.  They make ice cream for people that like ice cream but aren't confident in item-color recognition so we can't really be that upset at this.

PS. I feel sorry for the young white girl that thought she was going to be the next CoverGirl model, but got told that she was best suited for modeling race-based ice cream in Colombia.
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*Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Finals/holidays/general laziness has been keeping me busy.

I know it's been known for a while but I just found about Mickey Mantle's best experience as a Yankee. And I gotta say this just solidifies his reputation as a bonafide boss. Here's the letter in all it's glory (if you can't read it just click on the link above):
So what is your greatest moment? Walk off dingers? World series championships? Nah dude, totally that one time I got head under the bleachers.
See, this is what makes him such an all-time great. Great player for sure, but probably the most relatable guy out there on the field. It's like he's a high school ballplayer or something. Some guys play for the money some for the glory, Mickey just wants a little strange on his day off.
P.S. I love how he says "I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time." That's all he's worried about. Like "yeah it sucks I can't play but the real tragedy is not being able to give it to this broad in the 4th inning."
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Thursday, December 19, 2013

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Nothing to see here.  Just a few pigeons choppin' it up and discussing what's on the agenda for the day.  Probably coordinating what cars they're going to shit on or what crazy homeless person most likely has the most bread.  Not too different from us.

I can just picture the first interview question being: "What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses as a pigeon?"

"Well, I'm a great loiterer.  I can walk around aimlessly for hours on end and always manage to be in the way.  I've also shit on three different generations of iPhone in the last month.  Lastly, I'm confident that I will suffer a gruesome death in the middle of a street that has a high volume of people cross it.  As far as weaknesses, I'm pretty arrogant."

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

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First off, I'll say what everyone is thinking: There is absolutely, unequivocally no way that this can go wrong.

Jk.  This is one of the worst ideas that I have ever seen.  That dude has Gyrados tatted across half of his body and this chick looks like one of my substitute teachers in high school.  Unless she's given a dagger and a gun, I simply don't understand how she's going to come out of this event not dead.  All in all, this is just Brazil doing what Brazil does.  

Sometimes you get the 2016 World Cup, other times you promote a male versus female mixed martial arts fight.  Sometimes you get a Gisele Bundchen, other times you end up with a transexual.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

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It's only Tuesday and cats have had themselves a pretty weird week.  By "weird", I mean they were aggressive, scary, and mostly got fucked up.

One cat was a habitual line-stepper and proceeded to get gored and tossed 12 feet into the air by a Buffalo.

No other way to say it, this cat got it's ass-kicked by a rat from the Bronx.  For those of you that forget, I was actually born and raised there.  Small victories when you can get them.

If it wasn't for this video, the cat stock might have taken a deep, dark plunge.  Dude was literally fighting for his species as he legitimately and legally tackled a woman to the ground while simultaneously scaring the poop out of her dog.  

Hey dog, hop the fence or something, bro.  Make an effort.  Don't just stand there and watch your owner take a hurricanrana from a cat when you could get in the mix yourself.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

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That's good, right?  I'm positive that each and every one of those punches thrown would have killed me and sent my head into the 8th row.

This also begs the question, is Muhammad Ali the least defined, most successful athlete ever?  Dude looks like Play-Doh.  Goes to show that being jacked, having a six pack and wearing Affliction t-shirts isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

That little dance in the end was the cockiest, most dick-head thing that I've ever seen and I love it.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

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Well, what took so long?  Every time I watch boxing, I always wonder "Why haven't they sprinkled any chess in here yet?"  What can I say, Russia does it again.

Beautiful game too.  Such a science.  Do you try to concuss the guy so he can't tell the difference between a Knight and a Bishop?  Or do you go for body shots so your opponent internally bleeds as he's trying to engage in highly strategic cognitive thought?  I, like you, am just trying to piece this shit together.

Beginning of the match is super cordial.  Just two fat guys engaging in a test of wit, thinking about hot wings.

You have to feel for the guys that have to move the chess board between matches.  There's no doubt in my mind that if they drop this board, they're dead.  It's Russia.

Both of these guys are fighting like they just got told to fight after initially being told they were playing chess with boxing gloves on.

Checkmate, bitches. 

I came out of that with less understanding of the sport than I had 5 minutes ago.  Do you try to win chess or boxing first?  How long is each round?  So many questions that I truly don't care about because I'm living in a world where chess boxing exists.  For every act of racial, gender and societal oppression the world presents, we are sometimes gifted gems like this.  Enjoy it, people.

If Mayweather-Pacquiao isn't like fought via chess boxing, we all failed as a civilization.

Monday, December 9, 2013

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You can't really feel THAT bad for a guy that voluntarily adds an apostrophe to "Richard"

Here's Robert Ri'chard.  A mildly respectable actor that played bit roles in every show/movie that we have watched in our entire life.  Here's a refresher:

He spent most of his time with his puppet cousin Skeeter and almost, probably had sex with Meagan Good:

He had an alarming blonde phase and we started to get a little worried:

But that didn't stop him from getting a bit role on "One on One" and teaching us all life lessons:

He snuck in "Alley Cats Strike" right under us, but we knew, Robert.  We knew:

And we can't forget Damien Carter in "Coach Carter."  He was really excited about it:

Things were looking up for Mr. (Fucking) Ri'chard.  Up until 10 years decided to go by without him appearing in anything of relevance.  Then today, something miraculous happened.  He reappeared, but not like I wanted him to reappear.

There he is behind the poorly not-cropped-out "play" symbol and ambiguously race'd hot chick.  In the BACKSEAT of a Nissan in a god damn Nissan Rogue commercial.  You couldn't even assume him to be this chick's boyfriend.  He was their friend that didn't own a car and needed a ride so he be third wheel and ruin their day.  Pour out some of that poor-tasting whiskey you've been drinking tonight because you officially lost in Fantasy Football playoffs and pay your respect to the career of the once ubiquitous Robert (hate his last name) Ri'chard.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

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This is SO Mexico that it hurts.  As soon as they get over Swine Flu and all of their police commissioners getting murdered, their one basketball arena catches on fire.  It's like clockwork down there.

Mexico is like the dude at the bar that keeps getting rejected by girls.  At a certain point it becomes so accustomed to rejection that it has no idea what to do when something good happens.  Just get the phone number and leave Mexico.  In other words, when you get an opportunity to host a premiere NBA matchup, don't let your arena catch on fire.  Christ, guys.

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Dude is physically incapable of getting his feet set out here.  Probably the saddest thing I've seen in 2013.

Step into Tippy's (sweet name, guys) world.  One second you're eating a acorn and the next you're unconscious wondering what the hell just happened.  I give him a ton of credit though.  Each and every time this happens, he has the option to just kinda die, but he's too much of a fighter.  He's determined to just keep living life as a squirrel even though it'll inevitably end in a falling-off-a-tree related tragedy.  Someone get this son of a bitch a Kickstarter so we make sure he can eat acorns without blacking out and collapsing into leaves.

PS. As a complete side note, I'm all about the Sloth life and might need to get my first tattoo.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

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WMD isn't just crude humor, funny pictures and dick jokes.  Sometimes I like to break into the art scene and expand your musical horizons.  If you're tired of Katy Perry's "Roar", this is a big breath of fresh air.

I like this video for a several reasons:

1) The first :30 is just a pretty girl running around in a tight dress.  Can't be mad at that.

2) It somehow makes Boston look awesome.

3) Pretty sure Mack flipped hipster-fashion upside down.  This hat is unreal, yet ironically worn with a shirt that has the sleeves rolled up:

4) Some super hot drunk kid pops up at the 2:30 mark

5) Copious amounts of mason jars are what's hot in the streets right now.  

Great track, give it a listen.

-To follow Mack and his musical endeavors, check out  FYI, I'm trying to ride his coat tails to fame and fortune.

Monday, December 2, 2013

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Have to call a spade a spade here, this dude killed it.  Sure, none of us are going to sleep tonight, but a victory is a victory.

Don't think about the amount of bodies that this dude has in his freezer (probably 4, maybe 5) or the fact that he's most likely naked and appreciate the disgusting artwork that occurred on this guy's chest.  He connected his mustache to his chest hair, guys.  I didn't know that was anatomically possible.  

The paws can burn in hell, though.  Those are the figurative icing on my nightmare cake.

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h/t HuffPost

Dude, what the hell are you thinking? Might as well not even shower the rest of the time you're in jail. Like it's bad enough you're only in jail for a month in the first place. If you're in for a month there's no way you're one of the tough guys, so all you do is keep your head down and keep a sturdy grip on the soap.

But you finally had it here, you broke out, man. That's like the single toughest thing you can brag about in jail. Golden ticket to the cool kids table and protection from every hulk in there who thinks you can get him out. When they inevitably catch you and throw your ass back in jail you're king for a day. But not this Swedish fuck. Back in his cell just bragging it up like "Man my tooth feels so much better, fuck the guards am I right?" No bro, you're not. In fact you probably just made yourself a target for every wannabe tough guy in the place.

Even criminals are fucking pussies nowadays.

Follow me @Smeesh