Monday, November 30, 2009

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Pretty much the same exact videos...


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Women. You say that word to any stranger on the street and they could tell you a tale and a half. They fluster us, make us look and sound stupid, and most of all, embarrass the shit out of us.

I am at the gym minding my own business, trying to get my swell on and put a few shots up when this girl comes by to disrupt my flow. I've determined a really good/creative name for this type of girl: a disruptor. She's plays the real life equivalent to that big ass pog that's only role was the fuck shit up. The disruptor is generally really really hot and wears clothes you know he mama wouldn't let her wear to the gym. She walks by and I start sweating. Keep in mind, it's like 49 degrees in the gym.

Everywhere I walk I somehow ended up in her path doing that "are you going right, because I am going left, wait you're going left? Shit I better go right" awkward thing. I'm flabbergasted by what's just happened here. I walked over to the dumbbell section to get away and regroup. The girl is on the other side touching her toes in my direction. What's a fella to do? I mistakenly stared until I burnt a hole in her butt. Again, I am flabbergasted and beside myself, so I don't realize that she is seeing me staring in the mirror. Here's where I pull the "Diddy." I stand there and keep staring. If I walk away that means she wins right? What? God dammit. She had kind of a blank stare on her face as I got the hell of there. It was more of a "I just saw a car crash" look. I proceeded to the locker room, put my clothes on in 17 seconds and turned my Usain Bolt on.

Needless to say, I am going back to the gym tomorrow to stare again...
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Three of my family members pronounced me dead several times this weekend because of turkey-induced coma, but alas, I am alive. Well rested and generally miserable to be back in Boston, I was able to make several observations over the weekend.

--How was Shrek the float this year at the parade? Didn't that movie come out like 8 years ago? 85% of the kids had no idea what that float was or they got the cheap extra shitty experience of watching it on DVD in the back of the mini-van. Coach Spongebob just threw the red challenge flag.

--I feel like I was blacked out drunk during both the NFL games on Thanksgiving. No idea who played and what the scores were. All I know is that I thought it was a good idea to sit Miles Austin. Shit. Keep in mind, I drank no alcohol on Thanksgiving. Damn you turkey-induced coma...

--Finally saw the "Notorious" movie. I simply couldn't buy Tupac being played by the guy who got killed by Eminem at the end of 8-Mile. It went from tragedy to comedy in an instant.

--Attempted Black Friday. My phone read 12:39 when I woke up. I feared for my mother as she braved the storm..

--I ended up watching the "Videophone" video like 28 times. Number 28 was definitely the best time.

--Got some embarrassing Call of Duty hand injuries. It's fine.

--Tiger Woods proves that the hoe-er the berry the sweet the juice. I literally have no idea what that means. Again, still catching residual effects of that satanic turkey-induced coma. He must have popped in Ludacris' "Area Codes" and embarked on a countrywide search. It looked like he broke Luda's wireless provider's range and got some Australian Ho-bag Skankaloon. The sketchy ass "Tiger's wife rescued him from the crash with a golf clubs and Tiger only had face lacerations" excuse did not fly with this guy. I called up the gumshoes and we did some investigating. Actually, TMZ did. Can't fault you Tiger, in another world (this one), I would do the same thing.

--Met the girl of my dreams on the trip back from Boston. Literally a perfect match type of situation. Talked to her for literally 8 hours about nothing. I would have sold my Playstation and got a shitty wedding ring on the spot. Then she told me she had a boyfriend. Damn.

...then again, it could have been another one of those blackout dreams created by that son of bitch turkey induced coma. Good to be back guys.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

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I am on a Greyhound Bus right now with the pissest of poor Wi-Fi, so I wasn't able to watch the video in it's entirety. From what I saw though, it was on some next level shit. Just when you think those crazy muppets were comfortably spending their retirement money along the water in Florida they decide to wow us again.

Kudos to you Muppets, kudos to you.

Monday, November 23, 2009

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I ask the question of why? 90% of these falls warrant that reaction. Like, why did that kid run into the bushes?

Why did that kid not notice there was a ledge when he was riding his tricycle?

I'm not going to lie here, when I have a kid I will keep a video camera on hand at all times because by default, he will be dumb. I'm trying to win that $10,000 prize on "Which Kid is The Dumbest" aka "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Friday, November 20, 2009

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No, I don't read Twilight, but I do know people that swear by it (spellgirl?). It's the hottest thing since cocaine apparently. I'm not going to lie, I saw this trailer and got that warm fuzzy feeling I usually get when I know a movie is going to be good. --This fuzzy feeling is legit, Rotten Tomatoes monitors my fuzzies like it's the god damn Taliban--

I am not going to read the books or familiarize myself with the series at all, but I'm probbbbably going to see this movie 1-4 times.

Enjoy the weekend "Team Edward"....see I'm hip guys.
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Thought of a great idea for life and work while I was just enjoying a rousing game of NHL 2k9. I thought about lulling the defense to sleep (wearing casual clothes all the time) and then hitting them with the bomb (wearing a nice outfit).

Basically, since I started work and I realized there is not a strict dress code (yes, it's a real job) I have worn the bear minimum requirement to not get fired. Shirts and the same jeans for all 5 days. It's awesome. Due to a combination of laziness and laundry detergent, I only had my "big gun" shirts remaining. Backed into a corner, I unknowingly put together a pretty snazzy outfit. You know those scenes in shows where the jukebox stops when some significant character walks into the bar? Picture people not really reacting, but noticing me in a nice shirt. Girls fumble their words and the guys ask me who my stylist is. That doesn't happen. It does feel good to actually look deese when I walk in the office though.

Before you think I'm rambling hear me out. In any facet of life you can run the play action on people. Life is about the shock and awe. Get yourself noticed. Break away from your norm and go deep to the wide open receiver in the corner of the me it'll pay off.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

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Little Girl Toy Dog Show Fail - Watch more Funny Videos

This may be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I especially like how she crumbles following the hit. You initially think she's dead, but then you see she is just mortified and crying, so it's cool to laugh again.

Drugs, Alcohol, and a stripper pole are going to play a large role in this little girl's now ruined future.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

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Fair warning: Sequels have a history of sucking.

Animaniacs: I hated the show, but during lunchroom conversation in elementary school, I pretended I liked it. Life is all about fitting in during opportune times.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Obviously a tremendous cartoon program. Can we talk about the lopsidedness of the weapons. Leonardo had a sick katana, but Donatello is stuck with a stick? Raphael was rockin' a couple of undersized pitch forks and Michaelangelo's stoner ass had some nun chucks. They only had one sword in stock. I bet Shredder would be destroyed in episode 4 if they all had swords.

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: I distinctly remember this show starting at 2:30 when school ended at 2:15. You never seen a kid force his mother into so many near-miss speeding violations. Tantrums were thrown and basically you were not involved in any insightful conversation on the playground if you didn't see Power Rangers the day before. The show though, did teach people about stereotyping. Red Ranger-A before-his-time white bro (of course he had the sword), Blue Ranger: wore glasses, thus a nerd and the science guy of the group, Black Ranger: black, could dance, great at basketball, should I go on? Yellow Ranger: Asian, Pink Ranger: Hot. So many subliminal messages.

Doug: Great show. One of my all time favorites. Another show that made race a non-issue and created characters of all colors..literally (even though Skeeter was definitely meant to be the "black guy").

Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers: Is it weird to think that chick mouse-thing was hot?

Beast Wars: Couldn't wrap my head around the idea of 3-D at the time, so the show didn't get a fair chance with me and was deemed shitty.

Magic School Bus: Great show, but bad because it gave kids a false representation of what field trips were going to be about. Fuck the museum, I want to go back in time far enough to make an appearance in the "Land Before Time" DVD.

CatDog: Another show that I still know all the words to the theme song despite not really watching the show. Strange.

Tiny Toon Adventures: A wayyy better version of that busted "Looney Toons" shit the previous generation watched. This is one of those shows that inspired me to get into a bunch of schemes. Schemes like putting the salt where the pepper should be and hiding the orange juice in the oven. I wasn't a very creative kid.

Darkwing Duck: Let's get dangerous. Pretty bad-ass show that actually followed up on it's two and three parters (X-Men!!). I could respect when a show ropes you into a mini-series and actually comes to an end. Ahem. I was Darkwing Duck for 2 straight Halloweens. No one knew who I was.

Bobby's World: This show may have been responsible for several scoldings and potential spankings. I mean, Bobby's parents (Howie Mandel's crazy ass) didn't give a shit if he rode his tricycle around the house. Why should mine? Exactly. I demand an apology mother.

Dragonball Z: The creme de la creme of all my 90s shows. I've never cared more about a show. I skipped practices, faked sicknesses, stayed up absurd hours, to watch this show. It had everything I wanted in an action cartoon. I'm a sucker for outrageous super powers and this show had that and a great story to back things up. It one of those match made in heaven moments where the puzzle pieces fall into place. To date, my favorite show of all time, and if they showed an updated version of it, I am not ashamed to say that I would watch it.

I'm done.

Judge away people.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

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-I totally don't dig the 90s dude, but this picture is so rad. (Could be 80s? Mehhh)

Great Decade. Great Shows. Great Associations. Round 1....Fight! (Street Fighter? 90s Game. Get it??)

Pinky & The Brain: The premise of this show essentially parallels my bar conquests, but instead of the focus on taking over the world, my focus is on women.

Johnny Bravo: Responsible for at least 16% of the world's future rapists.

Pokemon: Remember everyone thought it would be sick if Pokemon were real. It wouldn't. It would probably lead to the apocalypse with life as we know it being completely over.

Batman the Animated Series: I was way to young to watch this shit. Mature Themes.

Ren & Stimpy: Still don't really know what was happening in this show. Again too young to watch it. To my knowledge, the show centered around fart jokes and booger picking. The bio-cartoon version of my life?

X-Men: The Animated Series: The most frustrating show of my youth. For anyone else who watched this, wasn't every episode the first or second of a three parter? The next day you'd scrape your knee because you were violently sprinting off the bus to catch the start of episode 3 and they show another part one of a completely unrelated three parter. Fuck you X-Men.

Spiderman: Ditto. I blame Fox programming for another brilliant showing of ineptitude.

Freakazoid: Teaching the children the effects of cocaine abuse.

Scooby-Doo: For some reason I still know the words of the theme song. Definitely not a 90s cartoon. More likely 1970's (note the Mystery Machine). Don't ask.

Reboot: Sucked balls.

Hey Arnold: The unofficial guide to pre-pre-teen boys. It taught you how to be chill and level-headed before those were even considered concepts within society.

Digimon: A strong role-player in the Japanese-Pokemon-Tamagotchi American takeover. Kind of like a Horace Grant.

Monday, November 16, 2009

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Boston. Not well represented despite the fact that this may be one of the biggest hoe/slag/skankaloon habitats in the country. I don't know if Ludacris reviewed his census statistics because my numbers read off a different tale.

I essentially judge women by the "Safari Zone Theory." Yes, Safari Zone from Pokemon. Before you get all "man you a nerd Dub Jeezy" on me, hear me out. Getting women is pretty much like catching a Pokemon in Safari Zone. You are only equipped with a pokeball (to catch it), food (to make it comfortable), and a rock (to show aggression). The guy equivalents of these would be a combination of looks, charm, money, possession, and chillitude (combo of chillness and attitude). One of Luda's aforementioned "hoes" doesn't care about the food or the rock. You can just throw a pokeball and they're caught. Now what's the fun in that?

Get your facts straight Luda and update your mapping code.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

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This is one of those "can't wait til Monday" posts. I saw this and shrieked. Yes shrieked. And I reiterate, I'm straight. Shrieking just happens sometimes. Enjoy the track as well as the rest of the weekend.

Friday, November 13, 2009

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I just realized I had a creepy 2 cat posts in a row thing going on and needed to add some hotness and freshness to these things.

Well, hopefully this song can provide both Hotness and Freshness (Editors Note: Hotness and Freshness was the name of my fake rap group in high school, that's why I keep saying it). Andy Bernard is absolutely hilarious in this.

Have a good weekend!
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As you may know from my various posts, I miss my cat Sammy. Only the most special of felines could fill the void that Sammy provided. This guy is not only special, but as the sign says, he is awesome. I can settle for awesome.

I do however feel that this cat is of the prehistoric era, but fuck it, it's the holiday season. Isn't this the time when miracles happen. I also feel like this cat could beat me up. Not scratch or bite me, but straight up rock me in the jaw a couple of times. You know, put me in my place a little bit. I can respect that and that's why I hope that there is a moving cat shaped gift under my tree this year.

Get on it Mom.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

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It's been a wild and strange ride so far. Mostly strange. Aside, I would like to thank you all for checking this wacky site out so often and reading all the ridiculous things I have to say. You all have made this a lot of fun for me and I appreciate you guys.

As always, I will keep writing if you all keep reading. Hell, I'll probably write even if you don't read it.

Thanks again.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

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How boring was the previous generation? Better yet, how sad was the previous generation? Why did the advertisers think this would be their breakthrough toy?

Way too many questions and not one answer. I am legitimately speechless from this.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

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Oh yea, the Yankees won. Despite my lack of true baseball fanhood, I was born next to Yankee stadium and I am proud that they won.

I am also proud of where I am from and what shaped me into the shit blogger that I am today. Preach Jay, preach.
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-He looks how I feel.

I thought moving away from the Allston area meant no more fast food restaurants and three meal a day McDonalds binges. The area I live in has no major fast food joints except for Subway. Despite this, I am still managing to eat way too many burgers per day. I thought about it. It is currently Wednesday and without even realizing it, I have eaten 16 patties of meat so far this week. Yes, I am counting the week that begins on Monday.

How does this happen you ask? For one, I am the sneakiest fat kid you will ever see. I plow through food, sit on the couch, fall asleep, and wake up only to eat more food or ice cream. Oh, and I drink beers (woo college!). I still remain a chiseled (meh) 175lbs. Sure I have a gym membership and participate in athletics on a reasonably regular basis, but when BK drops that $1 Double Cheeseburger deal, we stop the fuckin' presses at Jeezy Co. To you readers, I am revealing myself. After every gym trip (BK and the gym are right next to each architectural designing bastards), I make a stop at BK to get two Dub Cheezy's (double cheeseburgers) and some fries/onion rings depending on how I feel. Workout negated. Time wasted. Palette satisfied. Those past three sentences essentially define my life to this point.

As a pre-New Year resolution, I want to mark this week as the last week I will eat fast food (unless there is no other option) for the next 2 months. I want to really try to do this. If it means dying to prove to myself I can beat two beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese then so be it. I'll be a martyr for all the sneaky fat kids out there and let them know there is a way to do it. God dammit, I am going to try.

There is no chance this is going to work.

Monday, November 9, 2009

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In one of the bigger "wildcard" moments of my life, I scour the web and find out that the JJ "Trey Bombz" (get it? Trey Redick is making a rap album. Throughout this blog's history, I have brought up instances where apocalypse is probably upon us. This may be the most pressing and urgent of them all. Forget all of the natural disasters and lightning losing it's god damn mind. JJ Redick is coming out with a hip-hop/rap album. Somewhere a kitten just died. It didn't want to live in a world where they just give anyone a mic.

December 23, 2012. Mark your calendars. If JJ's album is number one at that point, you're probably fucked.
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I simply have nothing to say. When it rains, it pours in terms of genius products. We got fire, electricity, the wheel, the Snuggie, and now the Dreamie.

I couldn't think of a more creative and ingenious name to give this item. Ad geniuses out there in the "As Seen On TV" department of Hollywood. When it's all said and done on Christmas morning, I should have like 6-7 Snuggies and hopefully 2-3 Dreamies.

A brotha needs his recommended 8 hours.
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Lakers are winning, Kobe's scoring from all over the place, life is good in La La land. It's cool to stop playing midway through the fourth. And according to Kobe's face, it is also cool to fart. Somebody (ahem..Magic) has to take these guys down.

Friday, November 6, 2009

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-the funniest analysis of Sesame Street I ever heard (some bad language, but screw it. I swear all the time)

One of the most formative cartoons for the youth. Shit, I couldn't start my day without "The Count" informing me of what the hell a number was. Seriously, at age 2-3 you have no fucking idea what a number is, or anything for that matter. Another reason why babies are stupid. I digress. Sesame Street was a tremendous show for the fact that it just tricked the balls out of kids and extremely high adults. I would listen to anything those strange puppets said.

Even though Chappelle made it pretty evident, I never questioned why a 6 foot Yellow Bird was running shit on the block. I accepted things as they were.

"Whoa, what? There's this terrifying blue monster that constantly performs B&E's stealing people's cookies?

"Chill mom, it's cool. Ugh! You'll never understand."

What I did question was how the humans seemingly integrated completely fine with these large puppet creatures that spoke great English. Again, it was a great show. Taught me how to count, listen, judge, and manipulate. Pretty much all you need in this crazy world we live in.

Have a great weekend everyone!!
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Huh? Remember when the Cavs did cool stuff? They were creative. They won a shitload of games (going 39-2 at home) and looked like they had a great time. Now Shaq is coming in with his tired, borderline sexually strange introduction. Anyone see how pissed LeBron is that he isn't being introduced last. This team dynamic is all sorts of effed and it all starts with the jackass who thought it was a good idea to give Shaq a wooden spanker (?) before the game.

Come on guy, did you really think he'd put the ass spanker to good use right before the pre-game warm-up? Damn.
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Seriously apparent British girl? Rule 101 of dealing with your boss as a friend of Facebook is not bad mouthing the job. Duhh. You just make a blog with an outrageous alias like, I don't know, Dub Jeezy and you don't invite them to your Facebook group. Simple as pie darling.

If anyone has seen the movie "You Got Served", this is a biting example of how one gets served. The two ways you can get served boil down to either getting the shit danced out of you or someone ripping your soul out with the power of words. Needless to say, this skankaloon probably doesn't have a Facebook account anymore..

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

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I open the box, no ghost. What the hell? I won the bid and I expect what I paid my good hard earned direct-credit-card-because-the-user-does-not-accept-PayPal money for.

Can a playa get a ghost one time? How else am I going to gain experience for opening up my own ghostbusting agency. Wait..there were already Ghostbusters? And one already had my name?

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You know, you have to respect Reebok here. They see that Nike is kicking the shit out of them in just about every department and they pull their trump card. Sure, marketable athletes and high quality products are great methods of advertising, but what's the best way to get a guys attention?

Food and primal sexual urges. I don't see a 64oz steak in this commercial guys. Kudos to you Reebok!

Monday, November 2, 2009

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This vid is all over the web like I am all over the gummy bears at work. Greatness in the form of a video.

If there is one thing I love, it's mass confusion. That's what happens here. If you look closely, Dejuan Blair (6'7 2000lbs) is absolutely terrified. I would be too, but he is 2000 pounds. Is there anyone other than Manu on the Spurs that you thought would try to grab the bat? Exactly. Tony Parker, Tim Duncan, even Matt Bonner, are far, far away from the action. A haymaker death blow on a bat mid-basketball game. You gotta love it. Sneaky weird moment though. How and why did Manu know immediately where to go with the bat after he demolished it? And who was that guy? Things don't add up.

This shit has to be taken into account when the league votes for Sixth Man of the Year.
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Christopher Walken Performs Poker Face - Watch more Funny Videos

Some people have Michael Myers, some have Freddy Krueger, others have the Bogey Man (Gucci Mane?)...I have Christopher Walken. Anything this man does terrifies me. You have never seen a song ripped from a workout mix (ahem..) faster than "Pokerface." It took everything I had to post this video because I know he will be in one of my nightmares tonight.

Why does his voice sound like that? Come on
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The planned looked great on paper. I got some white pants, some white gloves, some silver hair spray, and a good attitude. With all of this going for me, I felt like my streak of terrible Halloween costumes was finally going to come to an end. The results varied...

First off, the white pants I purchased were "sailor" pants (no they weren't gay pants) that had a wide bottom, similar to bell-bottoms. I was unaware of this at the time of purchase, but when it was time to put them on, that fact became glaringly clear. Another thing about sailor pants (...not gay) is that they are extremely tight at the waist (a little gay). Constriction and partying don't really mesh well. Next, I almost passed out from the fumes of the coloring spray. Granted, I just came out of the shower and the bathroom was still very steamy and condensed, but I almost passed out mid-spray. I am absolutely positive that the spray I inhaled will have a detrimental effect on my life-span. Anywho, I get the costume on and it looks surprisingly good.

My roommates are with it and after extensive study of the "Thong Song" music video, I feel reasonably confident I can do the dance (not including the one-handed cartwheel). I'm feeling good. My roommates dressed as characters from "Anchorman", but with there being no prominent black character in the film, my options were limited. So, the channel 4 news team and Sisqo rolled off to a ballin' ass movie wrap party together.

An hour one mentions my costume. I thought this was my god damn year. It was supposed to be my time to be king crab. We get to the party and one of my buddy's bosses looks at me and says, "your Jamie Foxx right?" That had to be the most confusing unintentionally racist thing I've ever heard. What? Jamie Foxx at no point in his career had silver hair or at any point wore an outfit resembling what I was wearing. The night went on with more failed attempts from random onlookers. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt since it was a movie wrap party and the average age was about 32, but come on. One girl called me the "thong song guy", which I accepted and ran with. It wasn't until I was drunkenly stumbling about in an area in Cambridge alone in search of a cab (don't ask) that I realized my costume worked.

While walking past a large group of people in the rain, I heard one kid tell all his friends to stop. I thought I was going to get jumped by the California Raisins, a couple of office skanks, and Gumby, but then the unthinkable occurred. He said, "You're Sisqo! That's the best costume I have ever seen."

Halloween was awesome.