Wednesday, November 27, 2013

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This is the time of year to reflect on everything we're grateful for. Family, friends, warm shelter, access to food, clean syringes, whatever. But all that stuff is meaningless. If you didn't have an iSomething you couldn't text and FB the ones you love, because who actually uses their phone to talk? Landlines called and they want their monopoly on verbal conversations back, but no one answers unfamiliar numbers. Even my mom prefers texting, totally ruining this hilarious meme. She ruins everything.

If you didn't have a device, how would you find your way outside without navigation, let alone to a store? Google Maps is ruining good senses of direction for you Rand McNallys like Microsoft Word ruined spelling for school-wide bee champions like myself (two-years in a row, bitches).

I don't know about y'all, but my phone is like a baby. I keep it silent and within reach. I sleep with it under my pillow like a gun. Because if there's an intruder, I think there's an app for that. 

I love my phone so much my boyfriend walks out of the room and says, "Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys."

If my phone was actually a live grenade about to explode, I'd scramble to check my email one last time. 

But this, I don't know. If it was a chicken, it would shit all over my life. 

I think this is where the line is. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

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That shirt is worth either 10 dollars or 1 million dollars.  There is no middle ground.  It was either sold out of a crackhead's shopping cart or crafted with oyster pearls and rhino skin.  That's just how Tauheed rolls.  It also looks exactly like the hardest Tetris level in the history of the world, as this tweet describes.  Symbols that don't even make sense, possible swastikas, and enough colors to give a small child epilepsy.  

The top button, cholo-look is the only way that this shirt is supposed to be worn.

Monday, November 25, 2013

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h/t HuffPost (<-- Video of this crazy old bitch chasing him with the article)
I'm not even gonna touch on this guy here (get it? ok I'll shut up) cause he's like low hanging fruit. It's so easy it's not even worth it. Besides, what business of mine is it how a guy gets his rocks off? Some guys like having sex with women and some guys like rubbing one out in the women's bathroom at Walmart. Besides, guys, he "didn't know it was the women's bathroom." Promise.
But Beth Davis, what the hell are you thinking here? You find a strange man just furiously tenderizing some tube steak in the bathroom and you don't think "that was fucking weird" and leave like a normal person, but WAIT FOR THE DUDE YOU JUST SAW JERK OFF IN A WALMART BATHROOM and film while you yell at him? You're more of a fucking psycho than poor Brian here. Spare me the bullshit about how it's wrong and you want to send a message to people like that. You just wanted your 15 minutes and you got it. So tell me, lady, how does it feel that the most note-worthy thing you've ever done is get interviewed about a guy's Walmart jerk sesh on the local news?
P.S. "That's news there? Fucking weak, Tulsa." - The State of Florida

Sunday, November 24, 2013

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Everything's going completely normal at the AMAs tonight.  R. Kelly is President of the United States and enacted law that allowed him to look up skirts whenever he wanted.  It's fine and everything made perfect sense.

Plus, that's how any of us would have reacted to this:

PS. Yup.  Completely normal night:

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"AP - A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis.
Oklahoma City Police Capt. Dexter Nelson says a man discovered a Thermos-type container in his lawn Thursday afternoon and brought it to a police briefing station. Nelson says the container was heavy and had tinfoil protruding from the lid, so the man considered it suspicious.
The Oklahoman reports ( that officers told the man to leave the container outside and the police bomb squad X-rayed the item. The analysis determined that it was only a burrito."
If I was the cop here I think I would probably be forced to give this guy a wet willy. Someone dropped a thermos in your yard and you think it's a bomb? Bro, someone dropped their fucking lunch. How fucking important do you you are that the terrorists want to bomb your goofy ass over like the White House or some shit? Motherfucker I doubt you even crack the top million bombing targets anyone in the world has. Think that burrito is a bomb? Get your head in that fucking toilet so I can give you a swirly pussy-boy.
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So background is necessary I guess. I'm an unabashed Arsenal fan (in the English Premier League) and Rambo has been absolutely killing it this year. Already 13 goals and 3 assists blowing away his former highs of nowhere-fucking-close-to-that.
Either way, whether you support Arsenal, Tottenham, United, or don't even like soccer you can't tell me this song isn't hot fire. I mean sure the production quality isn't the best but this is indie stuff. Maybe get "Fitbathatba" on a label and in a studio with Mesut Ozil rapping and he could somehow be even better. That is if it's even possible to top this.
P.S. He's totally right. If I were to hook up with Aaron Ramsey tomorrow is would be 100% straight. Like I'm not gay, bro, but come on it's Aaron Ramsey.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

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It's the weekend, I'm mailing this one in like we all should. So if for some reason you're actually reading this on a Saturday night instead of drowning your sorrows with drugs and alcohol like a normal person, here's a relatively funny video that didn't require all that much effort on my part to find.
P.S. King of all Blacks, please don't kill me.
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As you guys know I've been fairly active this week. Finally decided to take some of the weight off of Dub's back and help out. As it turns out, that might have been the worst decision of my life.
My blogs Thursday started to generate some pretty weird feedback. For instance:
"Cocaine kinda tastes like soap (sometimes).. So maybe this girl WASNT lying. IDK THO, ive only walked once cause im a ninja ninja- YOWO and IM CHILLEN ERRR DAY ERR DAY ERR DAY. LIKE IM SITTIN ON A PARK BENCH. Ninjas tryna play.

-King of all blacks."
"Man SMEESH if there is one thing you should know, its that constant visual clitoral stimulation LEADS TO A HEALTHY LIFE, naw mean?"
Pretty weird shit. So I decide whatever it's the internet you're gonna run into some strange people. But then he follows up on my next blog with this gem:
"AYO THIS GUY FINNA TURN UP FEELLLL MEEEEE, we gotta get him in a ROOM. Man. Get him on da STReet, man. Let's get dat at, let's be THAT AT, let's SEE THAT at. FEel me?! FEEEL ME


Triville man, Idaho. Lego.

- King of all blacks "
Sorry for the essay, but American Psycho doesn't have shit on the "King of all blacks". I assume I'll be chopped up in this guy's trunk by Monday. Tell my family I love them.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

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In case you haven't been following Rob Ford's last few weeks (and why wouldn't you be?) you need to start paying attention. Whether it's smoking crack or falling while trying to throw a football and not giving a fuck, Robby Boy has been the toast of the town. And while it's always funny to rip on the fat guy, we would be remiss not to note Rob's place among the funniest fat guys of all time. What better way to do that than with a funny fat guy mash up? 
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Gotta wash my nose, you guys
h/t TruTV 
Ah, an old classic. You can't convince me the "No it's just homemade soap I swear" defense isn't the right move here. Worst case scenario you get arrested, which is probably happening anyway. Best case, you get the cop to try to prove you wrong by smelling it and BAM. Coked up cop. Not only hilarious, but now he kind of has to let you go. It's not like he can just drive back to the station all high and try to convince everyone he did it by accident, right? Right.
P.S. "Field tests showed the white powdery substance was cocaine, records say." Oh yeah? Field tests? Is that what they call doing a few lines off the hood of your patrol car now?
Rick James approves

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Guys, is this Miley Cyrus:

or Macaulay Culkin?

Or this thing that you earn when you spend 100 tickets at Chuck E. Cheese?

Or Powder from the movie "Powder"?

Or Charlie Villanueva, backup forward on the Detroit Pistons?

Any time that you can be a female sex symbol while looking like a boy, flaunting invisible curves and shaving off your eyebrows, you simply have to do it.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

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Watch out Japan, Belgium just threw its hat into the ring.
I can only imagine the Belgian Weird Shit Czar (every country has one of those right?) chuckling to himself as he says "We'll see your tentacle porn and raise you a year long necrophilia fest. What do you think of that, you has-been fucks?" On top of calming the hell down, Belgium needs to realize it's out of its depth here. In Japan, we're talking about the country that brought us MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenges, for you uncultured simpletons), invisible butt statues, and like 90% of the world's weird porn. You need to back the fuck up and come up with a long term plan if you think you can take on Japan. You can't just go throwing out Lady Necrophilia all willy-nilly.

P.S. I see you sneaky mouse on the top of the bed.
Follow me @Smeesh

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It's not racist if black people laugh too, right?
I really wanted to come up with a way to defend this woman. REALLY tried to figure out how to get on her side here, but this bitch is either as racist as Clayton Bigsby or as dumb as Harry Dunne. Does this chick just consider everything that isn't white "black"? I get that zombies have rotting skin and all, but if anything that shit's gray. That would be like going up to Ronnie from Jersey Shore and calling him black.
But maybe she's just stupid right? I mean she certainly sounds Southern. No, actually, this seems pretty open and shut racist. Kick rocks lady. (But after you're done kicking rocks call me because you're actually kind of hot)
More black than zombies, and probably less douchy than this lady

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More importantly, can you poop in this?  I publicly urinate all the time, so a #1 isn't too out of the ordinary for me, but pooping?  Man oh man, pooping in this would be an adventure.  And by "adventure" I mean a series of panic attacks and stage fright.  I'd never have the courage to use it and if I did, I'd sit there for 12 hours stricken by fear.

This picture nails the realness of the matter, complete with elderly white couple in the background.  Yeah, maybe you can do your business in public, but in front of grandma and grandpa the stakes are a bit higher when you can bear the responsibility of giving one of them a heart attack. 

If this was a reality show, I'd probably watch it.  I mean, I did watch David Blaine stick an ice pick into his hand and give Jada Pinkett-Smith a mind-orgasm last night, so all bets are kinda off.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

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Okay, so let's forget for a minute that this guy is the world's dumbest criminal. Yes, I get that he burglarized 17 cars, taunted the police on facebook about it, and then promptly got busted. Whatever, crime is crime. Sometimes you just gotta put food on the table.
But what grown man who wants to be taken seriously calls  people "muthasuckas"? Rolando, buddy, you need to step up your insult game. You sound like an 8th grader who wants to call people motherfuckers but is scared of his mom hearing him. I'm a weak, sheltered, generally unintimidating white kid whose last fight was in middle school. But if you call me a "muthasucka" to my face, I'm 1000% positive I can kick your ass.
P.S. Shout out to the Rosenburg, Texas police. Catching a car burglar in less than 15 minutes? I can't even get a fucking pizza delivered from down the street in that time.
P.P.S. Yes, I get pizza delivered from down the street. I'm lazy.
P.P.P.S. Rolando I'm just kidding about being able to kick your ass. Please don't hurt me.

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Welp, I need to find a way to sneak on to Richard Branson's spaceship to Mars because it's officially a wrap for Earth.  Tough year for "Equality", "Peace", "Tolerance."  They just didn't have what it takes this year.  Don't worry, a word signifying the action of taking a picture of yourself took it down this year.  Makes perfect, logical sense.

Call me old, call me out of touch, but I have never taken a #Selfie.  Too ugly for that nonsense.  No one wants to see it, plus I'm confident that boogers make it a point to appear any time that I have to take a picture.  With that said, people make a living with them.  I've been on Instagram for like 20 minutes and every other picture is a "model" taking a picture of herself in a mirror equipped with barely any clothes on, her duck face and thousands upon thousands of "not good enough to post" pics on her phone.  It's the world we live in.  Not saying I hate it, but it's reinforcing the fact that I'm jumping off of the Empire State Building if I have a daughter.

Before I stowaway on Branson's Virgin Apollo 13, I'll take the opportunity to present the good, bad and ugly of #Selfies. 

The Good:

Chick in the back is PISSED that she got blocked out of the Pope selfie.

Serious question: Did he kill that dude on the left, take his phone and photograph himself?  Love squirrels, man.

The Bad:

If this was graded on effort, she'd win.

Aaron, I've been meaning to talk to you about this pic. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Not bad in the traditional sense or in the new that chick is "bad" sense.  I mean, things are ON POINT, but I'm now rendered unable to bring a daughter into this world without jumping off of a building.

The Ugly: 

"Let me capture my baby crying with shit in his pants so I can get these 14 likes"

Queen Bey dropped from a 10.0 to a 9.9999 with this one.  Ladies, if it's not broke don't fix it.

I don't like this one bit.

The fact that you can Selfie within a video game means I've drafted an email to Richard Branson (Lance Bass cc'd) inquiring about space travel.  Seriously.

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h/t Orlando Sentinel

If Japan is the epicenter for the world's weird shit, then Florida is definitely the hub for the USA's weird shit.

So the answer is yes. This is apparently exactly what a woman who throws her baby at a cop to get away looks like. But isn't this whole thing really just like running away from a bear in the woods? Like the whole "you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your friends" thing? Except I guess the bear is a cop and your friends are your two year old daughter. Sorry honey, mommy's got a few prior convictions. Maybe if you didn't take so damn long learning to walk she would have taken her with you, you stupid idiot.

But hey, that's life. Sometimes you have to be faster than your friends because someone left some smores out at the campsite, and sometimes you have to throw your baby at a cop because you're a shitty driver.

Monday, November 18, 2013

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Sometimes people don't have access to a tailor and frankly can't afford to go to one.  The country is still recovering from a recession and...wait..what's that:

God damn, Tracy.  You can't be on live-TV looking like Bilbo Baggins.  I get that you just retired and are trying to find a way to identify yourself, but wow.  Is there a GoFundMe for TMac because I won't not donate to him.  I feel obligated.

PS. Maybe this is the way we're supposed to wear suits and we've all been doing it wrong.  Tracy wouldn't mess up this bad, right?

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That's it. I'm done. I can never listen to Lose Yourself again (or probably any other Eminem songs for that matter).
I feel like I'm not the only one, but this is how I've imagined it should be from the first time I heard it back in like 4th grade. "Mom's Spaghetti" is clearly the best line, and who doesn't like spaghetti? I know I'm not alone when I say it's moments like this when I really marvel about how far mankind has come. The technology involved in pulling off this feat was but a dream back in '02. This is truly a defining moment in history.
Shit, now I really want spaghetti.
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h/t HuffPost  "Prosecutors say they will not file charges against a father and son arrested on suspicion of kidnapping the father's ex-wife in Northern California to perform an exorcism."
Gotta love living in a 2 guy 1 girl household. Seriously, I mean I grew up at home with my sister, so when my dad went to work I got ganged up on. I'd have to help do chores and cook dinner, all while some bullshit like America's Next Top Fashion Designer/Cook/Model/Goat Herder is on TV.
Think that shit would fly in the Farias household? Absolutely fucking not. "What's that, mom? You want me to do the dishes while dad takes out the trash? We're not gonna need to have another exorcism are we?" BOOM, no dishes and I bet they got to go out for ice cream later.
But really, it's the perfect crime because for some reason it's not a crime. Think about it. They took her for 9 fucking days. If she had a job, that bitch was fired for going all Office Space. How in the world can you steal a person for 9 days and still be within the realm of the law? I'm not quite sure but let's put it this way: If my first kid turns out to be a guy I might just go buy a cross and not worry about doing chores ever again.
Follow me on Twitter: @Smeesh

Sunday, November 17, 2013

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Cranston doing Cranston things.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

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So much dust in my eye, man.  Just kidding, I'm crying.

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JP Morgan's horribly misguided idea for a Twitter chat backfired kind of like, you know, selling collateralized mortgage obligations to investors and breaking the economy.

JP Morgan decided they needed to reach the young'uns, so they stupidly launched a Twitter chat, which is like dangling a gimpy lamb in front of a rabid pack of Cerberi.

The DOJ settled with JP Morgan for $13B in fines for monetizing everyone's lives and then setting it all on fire. The underlings cheered. But that's like that fee you got a few months ago for making a late credit card payment (to JP Morgan, coincidentally). You already forgot about it.

JP Morgan swindles people out of money like they put their Gucci slippers on in the morning. It's just a routine. By the time they're in the marbled dual-head shower, they've already done it again because they forgot they did it earlier. It's like a pothead smoking a joint 10 minutes after he smoked a joint to get ready for [any hipster sport] practice. He forgot he smoked the joint so he smokes another one.

JP Morgan just strode out into Twitter like some asshole that never called you after that one night, swaggering into the same bar, talking you up like you've never met. Because as far as they're concerned, you never have.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

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This was me last year at around the same time of year.  It was a simpler time and I was as happy and plastic looking as a boy can be.  I was dancing with dolphins and being an awesome boyfriend.  Things were good.  Then the dolphin stories started swirling around.  Word got out that they were violent killers, sexual deviants and overall bad animals.  Their response: not giving a shit.  It's like your favorite protagonist on a TV show turning into a villain.  I wanted to believe all of this wasn't true, but even I draw the line at this:

This is 100% the most disrespectful shit that I have ever seen.  Having sex with a decapitated fish is the end all be all for dolphin reputation.  This dude was LOVING it too.  Just a pure psychopath exhibitionist on display behind the glass.  Fuck dolphins, man.

PS. Fuck koalas too:

PPS. You would think that I replaced my picture with a black "Ken" doll for identity reasons, right?  Nope.  1) Black Ken looks fantastic.  2) I was smiling HARD in that picture and now I am really concerned that I was being diddled by the dolphin.  I got duped bad. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

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h/t  HuffPost

Power move of all power moves.

Think the Christian Science Church (that's a thing) is in a downward spiral? Not quite the pinnacle of power they once were? Not quite. Seen their dick lately, bro? This church in Illinois just happens to be the biggest unit this side of the Mississippi. Or the other side. I'm not really good with geography.

Point is that this might be the best decision the Church of Christ, Scientist has ever made. Anyone and everyone who values a good power move is signing up. And probably a few disgraced priests too. But hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?


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Oh hey, is that a Twitter account dedicated to combining two animals into one?  You know I have some high hopes about this one.  As I have always said, the Internet is a fickle beast.  Some days you get a lot of good and other days you receive shit on a platter.  I have very high hopes for this one.

Wait, what the fuck?

Are you shitting me?  How do you expect anyone to sleep at night when they see shit like this flying around whenever they close their eyes?

I take everything I just said back.  This site is amazing and I'm not even upset about anything anymore.

Holy hell, burn it with fire!  Why, why, why?!

Hey Bro, I hate to say it, but you just aren't practical.

Have no emotions about these things.  I feel like they're just going to go about their business and have literally no impact on the ecosystem.

Bear with me here, but I think I can somehow get a pack of these things to fly around me all day and do my bidding.  They look subservient as shit.

I mean, that wasn't SO bad, right?  Happy dreaming, everyone!

JK, Nightmare mode:

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I'm not going to say Ginuwine is in a crisis and needs all of our help, but something is definitely afoot.  Brotha posted a "Bebe's Kids" iteration of a happy birthday card to himself.  If that's not a cry for help I don't know what is.  Turns out not every problem can be solved by kissing her head and saying "no problem."

He also made "Pony", though.  That means literally all bets are off.  That song was the greatest wildcard, WTF moment in music history and I won't hear another word on that matter.  Put me through puberty, made me throw up in my mouth and raised the stock of miniature horses everywhere. Show me a song that accomplished those three things and I'll show you a guy that lost his mind on Twitter and plans to come back  to Earth in "a few years" as the Angel of Death.

Oh yeah:

NSFW, obviously

Friday, November 8, 2013

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So I went to the local breakfast place this morning to celebrate bombing my morning exam. Because I'm a man's man and don't worry about getting skinny fat (no that picture isn't me, shut up), I went sausage egg and cheese bagel. Classic greasy breakfast choice for any occasion.

Here's where madness struck. The waitress brings me out my sandwich and a bottle of water. I take a look under the top bagel half and what do I see? Fucking  mayonnaise. Now don't get me wrong, I love mayonnaise. I'll slop that shit on subs, eat it when it's on a Wendy's burger or something, hell I'll even have it with chicken nuggets. But what kind of a goddamn psychopath puts it on a sausage egg and cheese? A serial killer, that's who.

So here I sit at the breakfast place, nervously eyeing up this sandwich. I can see the waitress looking at me out of the corner of her eye like Jeffrey Dahmer stalking a victim. This shit's probably roofied or something.

Back me up here, guys. Mayo on a sausage egg and cheese: psychopath or no psychopath?

Thursday, November 7, 2013

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Welp, I did college incorrectly.  Never once did I think to bring a portable griddle into class and that falls on me.  It's an opportunity that I won't get back and I accept that I messed up.  

The question is, did it meet the necessary criteria of "college"?  Basically did cooking bacon and pancakes on the griddle:

1) Get girls?

Yes, absolutely.  Clearly it's not a bad thing to be able to cook.  To top it all off, I'm sure all of those slices of bacon aren't for him.  The pancakes are, though.  No girl is that important.

2) Help you skate through class?

Duh. What professor wants to call on someone while they're flipping their bacon?  Plus they must assume you're a psychopath.

3) Build friendships?

I'd be best friends with anyone right now if they gave me bacon.  That's why men are dogs, y'all.  We respond to repetitive positive treatment.  It doesn't get more positive than bacon.

To say I'm crazy jelz of this pioneer would be the understatement of 2013.