Monday, July 28, 2014

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The internet has been around for awhile now and I can say with total confidence that this is the worst thing that has come out of it.  I've been to the deepest, darkest regions of the information super highway and have seen some shit that I definitely shouldn't have seen, but goddamn, this is extremely horrible.  

In all seriousness, I've become less funny because I watched this 6 second comedic travesty.  It's like a MonStar from Moron Mountain came down and absorbed the humor from my fingertips as soon as I heard "broom, broom", man.

Hey snuff films and inappropriate imagery, you  just got put on notice.  Disgustingly unfunny vines that have ironically high amounts of views are the new sheriffs in Internet Hell.
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First thing that I thought of when I saw this picture was:

Like, what is Phil Jackson even doing right now?  When you have an athlete of this caliber standing among regular civilians at a destination wedding with no NBA contract, someone is making a mistake.  Yeah,  I know she's a female, but the WNBA might have to refinance 50 of it's loans in order to pay the contract that this girl would be demanding. 

What do you do if you're her boyfriend?  Just get dunked on all day?  Imagine if every time your girl had a rough day at the office, she'd come home and ask you to stand under the hoop in the backyard so she can throw it off the backboard and emasculate you before dinner.  Call me old-fashioned, but I'd be pretty steamed if that happened to me.

Friday, July 25, 2014

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Oh ho hum, dad's being a dick again.  Let's gang up on pops one more time for trying to add a little flair into your life, little girl.  What's dad's role in the toddler stages of life anyway?  Provide some shoulder rides here and there? Make sure you don't die?  Playing court jester when Mom is fed up with taking care of you?  Maybe nose larceny isn't our "best" option, but as you can see, we don't have much to deal with.  Grow up, baby.

(Disclaimer: Getting your nose stolen was the worst thing that can happen to you when you were a dumb, stupid, little baby.  Completely sympathize with this girl.  Horror show scenario)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

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Can't peruse the internet anymore these days without stumbling on an article telling me that I'm going to die faster than white people.  At first I thought it was a joke, but then:

Well, damn.  Thwarted by "New Study" yet again.  Guess I have to work harder at having a more awesome day than Smeesh because I don't have as many left.  Life is straight up hitting me harder than him.  Looks like I have to perform a "newer" study to get the jump on the game.  It's like chess.  One race releases an age study, then you have to counteract that with an even newer study before anyone knows what happened.  At least that's how I think it works.  

Study time --> *consults Twitter* --> Posts results:

New study finds that female white child stars age much more rapidly than female black child stars.  Olson twins are out here looking like vacuum sealed bags while Tia and Tamera are looking like they are in the beginning stages of becoming proud, fat, black women.  See?  If you do a brief "experiment" with little to no tons of research, you can really prove any point that you want.

PS. Hey Newser, I saw the pic you guys used on your site:
Using "a black woman prays in church" even though everyone's first thought is that she's most certainly having a heart attack is a shrewd move.  A shrewd move indeed.  You out internet'd me today, but there will be other battles.
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So Roy Halladay has been retired for the better part of a year now and appears to be trying his hand at The Twitter. Upon some weird greenman/horse guy/thing playing bucket drums on the street ol' Doc thought he'd tweet about it. Harmless enough, right?

I think so at least. But some Reds fan saw it and just had to talk some shit on my Phils (as if we don't have it bad enough right now) because apparently the Reds are some powerhouse franchise that is universally acknowledged as great?

To which Roy promptly brandished his pimp hand

And that was that.

Friday, July 18, 2014

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h/t HuffPost (background story here)

Ok, so I can't write this blog without first giving the inventor of the Selfie Toaster his due. Because you know there's no chance in hell this is some hipster who wants to see his face on toast. No what we have here is a perfect example of a savvy businessman noticing yet another popular trend, making a stupid spin-off product, and cashing in. Boom, capitalism all over your face.

Now to the matter at hand. I've never been a selfie guy, I've probably been in a group selfie at some point but I can't say I've ever actually taken one. Maybe I'm just not trendy, maybe I'm ugly, maybe I just think they're the dumbest result of modern technology. Regardless, if you're the kind of person who thinks this is cool I don't want to know you. It's bad enough selfie was the Oxford Word of the Year in 2013 but now it's coming after our breakfast food? Get the hell off of my lawn, selfie. I've had it with your duck faces, your songs, and now I've had it with your fucking toast.

Now sing it with me...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

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"My Captain America is black, my Lambo is blue"

Look, I'm not a comic book guy.  I'm barely a book guy.  So while I have no horse in this race, I have to say that this is probably a terrible idea.  I'm not saying that because of the way it will be perceived within the media (even though white people HAVE to be fed up - first Thor's a chick and now this).  I'm saying that because of the black ass storylines that Cap is going to be involved in now.  He's going to get caught up in some real ignorant shit.  For example:

Monday, July 14, 2014

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Think this pup cares that it has a veer-right perma-penis on his back?  Nope.  As long as the neck rubs keep coming, nothing else in life really matters.

Tattoo a giant white penis on my back and life is effectively ruined.  No more pool, beach, or narcissistic flexing in the morning.  I'd have to rent a studio apartment in the back woods of Bumfuck, USA and become a recluse.  This dog just keeps on trucking, surviving purely off of the love of human contact. 

PS. We simply cannot discount the fact that this is an awesome penis.  

Thursday, July 10, 2014

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Snake it til you make it, sir.  Girls love private jets?  Just find your best "super casual" picture, delicately cut it out on Microsoft Paint and plop that sucker on a runway next to a private jet.  Done and done.  Oh, they need proof that you are actually ON the jet itself.  Pfft, they don't even know that you took an Adobe class in the 10th grade.

BAM!  Changed the game in all of these haters' faces.  "Don't think this jet is mine?  Well, jokes on you because here is me photoshopped ON a jet that you have to assume is the jet from the previous picture, bitches." 

Oh, what's that?  I can't hear you because I photoshopped myself onto a private jet:

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

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I ask you this, old people: Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant get these tweets off?  Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant set the bomb filter to this magical sunset?  Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant say stupid shit via text messages and try to make up for it by sending topically hilarious emojis?  No?  Well then, I rest my case.

With all that said, I hate millennials.  I hate the idea of millennials.  According to the timeline "definition" of millennial, I am one so essentially I hate myself.  As a well known hater, I find it an intriguing challenge to hate a category that I, myself, am included in, but I'll make it work.  We're entitled dicks that expect $200k salaries after 2 years of menial excel mashing, we mistreat each other to the n'th degree, and we've become so jaded socially that a majority of people need to resort to online dating to find a life partner.  It's crazy. Not knocking it at all, but it has absolutely become the norm based on how things are out there.  Hot chick with 5000 Instagram followers won't give a dude the time of day because she has "for bookings" in her profile.  That same dude will go on to random girls' profile and leave horrible comments about their appearance because he's all mad and shit.  People value themselves way too high/low for a variety of nonsensical reasons out here.  Time is a flat god damn circle.  

Listen, people older than us.  Don't focus on how we much we smell like shit and text too much.  Focus on how to set an awesome example for how people should act instead of standing on ivory towers pointing and laughing.  I know we're dicks, but frankly, we don't know how to be anything else, you enabling motherfuckers.
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Wouldn't call this the "ideal" scenario, huh?  

I'm no scientist, but it is a proven fact that any time a girl puts a "peace sign" emoji next to their father's name in their contacts, they are officially the property of the internet.  That means sexts, webcams, generic inspirational Instagram quotes, and ho-like tendencies are all in play here.  That also means that, at this present moment, this father is either dead or in jail.  I don't see any other option personally.  Either he killed somebody, got arrested trying to kill somebody, or jumped off the roof.  

But because you have to hear both sides, I'm here to offer young nyyy nyyy (and internet hoes everywhere) some crucial advice.  If a dude you're sending nudes to has "Da" in the first two letters of their name, you have to change his name to something else like "Xena Warrior Princess."  Can't risk Pops seeing you stick popsicles in various orifices.  He worked too hard to buy you Beanie Babies and shit.  

I  can promise you that I'm not not reviewing this extensively:

Monday, July 7, 2014

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You're telling me THIS guy went on a rant?  The guy with the bedazzled face mask had some crazy shit to say?  Color me shocked.

Listen, I get it.  Sometimes you need to toss on a mask, offend nearly everyone in attendance, and alienate yourself from one of your target demographics.  It happens.  As always, you could have done this a little better.  Like, there were some very valid points about media perception and diluting creativity sprinkled in the batshit here.  

At this point, Kanye is basically the kid that plays with Legos for an hour, makes something genuinely awesome, and demands that people acknowledge how awesome it is every hour on the hour or else he will die.  

(Jokes aside, this is currently the Halloween costume front-runner)

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

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You know what?  It happens.  You see a spider, toss a shoe at it from 15 feet away, convince yourself you killed it even though there is absolutely zero evidence that it's dead and then you feel like something is crawling on you for the rest of the night.  It's a story as old as time itself.  Instead of dealing with uncertainty and living in constant fear, this lady was proactive and started over.  Yeah, maybe she didn't fully pay the mortgage and this whole sequence may be classified as a "terrible financial situation", but hey, no more spider, right?  

Seriously though, I completely agree with this move.  Can't live your life worried that a vengeful spider is going to lay tons of eggs on your tongue.  Just dip into that 401k and focus on making sure that shoe toss counts next time.

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This is probably the least I'll ever feel like saying this, but I told you so. The United States national team put in the kind of workmanlike, gutsy performance that we've come to expect from them. However, they were outclassed from the beginning. This game could have easily been 4-1 if not for the heroics of keeper Tim Howard and the U.S. quite clearly did not deserve to win.

The USA Defense: Great and Terrible

Matt Besler and Omar Gonzalez were immense at the back yesterday for the stars and stripes. This cannot be overstated. Gonzalez was terrific defending set pieces (corner kicks and free kicks for the uninitiated) and making last ditch sliding challenges while Besler constantly cut out crosses from the run of play (everything that isn't a set piece) and closed down the space in which the Belgian forwards could operate. That being said, they put themselves under more pressure than they needed to with their distribution.

When the U.S. was losing near the end of extra time we saw the U.S. defense, Besler especially, not only winning the ball but keeping it. Instead of booting the ball upfield or out of play, they would make a short pass or a simple turn on the ball to retain possession and start an attack. I understand that earlier in the match they made the "smart" and "safe" plays by just clearing the ball and regrouping as opposed to risking a turnover near their own goal. But at what point do these plays become less "smart"? The United States backline was under near constant siege in the second half and it was evident that they were growing more and more tired. Making positive passes to their midfielders and allowing the U.S. to pressure the Belgian defense, though it would technically be a more risky option, would have offered Besler and Gonzalez much more of a respite from the ultra physical Belgium attack that wore them down.

Cameron or Beckerman, Who ya Got?

Many were surprised by, and even critical of, Coach Jurgen Klinsmann's decision to deploy Geoff Cameron in a holding midfield role as opposed to Kyle Beckerman. Critics can rightly point to Beckerman's ability to read play and break up opposing attacks as well as the way he helps the team as a whole keep its defensive shape. However, Klinsmann decided that Cameron's height (6'3" to Beckerman's 5'10") was more valuable against a very tall and strong Belgium team in set piece situations, of which there were plenty. So who was the right choice?

In my opinion both. Or neither. Or whatever. With Belgium you really have to pick your poison. You can try to counter their smooth midfield build up and interplay with Beckerman or you can go the Klinsmann route and opt for Cameron to help on set plays. Belgium really does just have too many ways to attack a defense, one of the many reasons they are such a threatening international force. Let's not forget that Cameron has experience in the holding midfield role and is quite adept at breaking up play himself, though maybe not quite as much so as Beckerman. With Klinsmann's track record of preferring European based players to MLS players (Cameron plays for the English Premier League's Stoke City while Beckerman plays for Real Salt Lake in MLS) this decision should have come as no surprise to U.S. soccer fans.

Player Ratings (1-10, 5 being average)

Tim Howard, GK (10) - As mentioned above, Howard was gargantuan for the USMNT. Set a record for most saves in a World Cup game with 16 including keeping out some golden opportunities for Belgium. Cannot be faulted a single bit for yesterday's result.

Fabian Johnson, RB (6) - Defended well though didn't get forward down the right as much as usual before coming off with a pulled hamstring in the 32nd minute. Given that he was one of the best U.S. attacking options in the World Cup, it's tough not to wonder what he could have produced if he had been able to play the whole match.

Omar Gonzalez, RCB (7) - Had a shaky moment here and there as he always does but made a number of last ditch sliding tackles and blocks. Was massive for the U.S. as he was the main reason they successfully defended every set piece.

Matt Besler, LCB (6.5) - Has really established himself as a top drawer defender and played a brilliant 119 minutes out of 120. However, he'll have nightmares about how easily Romelu Lukaku shrugged him off in the build up to the opening goal.

DaMarcus Beasley, LB (6) - One on one defending was great early and constantly probed down the left flank looking to get behind the Belgian defense but his crosses left a lot to be desired. Was clearly tired by the time Kevin Mirallas entered the game and was beaten on the dribble by Mirallas on more than one occasion.

Geoff Cameron, CDM (5.5) - Relished the physical battle with Fellaini in the middle of the park and was great on set pieces. Actually looked to play through Belgium defensive pressure on occasion unlike his midfield teammates.

Jermaine Jones, CM (4) - Almost completely anonymous in midfield. Seemed to think he could recreate his Portugal goal at will as he popped up a few times late in the extra period with some wasteful efforts from long range.

Graham Zusi, RM (3.5) - Poor showing from the Sporking KC man. Lucky that his lack of defending in the first half didn't lead to anything. Looked to tuck infield to allow Johnson/Yedlin to overlap but nothing of real attacking substance came from his flank. His delivery on corners was pretty good before being replaced by Wondolowski in the 72nd minute.

Michael Bradley, CAM (5) - Was his usual harrying self as he looked to put the Belgian midfield under pressure when the U.S. lost the ball. Showed flashes of brilliance with his assist to Green and a few balls that sent Beasley into space on the left but struggled to consistently make accurate passes, especially in the mid-range, and couldn't get the U.S. attack going.

Alejandro Bedoya, LM (4.5) - Put in his usual solid defensive shift but really needed to offer more in attack. Occasionally involved in some decent combination play with Bradley but Beasley offered the much more potent threat on the left side, and as previously mentioned Beasley wasn't all that threatening. Removed in favor of Green for the second half of extra time.

Clint Dempsey, ST (4.5) - Starved for service and didn't do all that much with what he was given. Was more effective when he dropped into midfield upon Wondolowski's introduction. Will be disappointed he couldn't corral the pass that sent him through on goal following a brilliant piece of trickery from a U.S. set piece.


DeAndre Yedlin, RB (6.5) - Came on following Johnson's injury and looked to get forward often down the right flank. His confidence in defending the dangerous Eden Hazard belied his age (20) though he seemed to run out of ideas a few times on the attack. Played in one particularly dangerous cross that would have found Dempsey's head in front of goal but for a savvy piece of defending by Daniel van Buyten.

Chris Wondolowski, ST (3) - When he actually got on the ball he held up play and reminded U.S. fans what it's like to have a target forward on the field. Also worked his socks of helping out on defense. But his game will be remembered for the glorious chance he spurned in second half stoppage time. With the ball dropping to him in the 6 yard box and only the onrushing Courtois to beat he skewed his half-volley high, wide, and about as handsome as Franck Ribery

Julian Green, LM (7) - Did about as much as could be expected from him in a 15 minute cameo and injected some energy into the attack. Great run and even better volleyed finish for the only U.S. goal.

Sorry for the essay, follow me @SmeeshWMD