Tuesday, July 8, 2014

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Millennials Prefer Their Smart Phones To Wearing Deodorant. Um, Duh


I ask you this, old people: Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant get these tweets off?  Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant set the bomb filter to this magical sunset?  Can my Old Spice 'Pure Sport" deodorant say stupid shit via text messages and try to make up for it by sending topically hilarious emojis?  No?  Well then, I rest my case.

With all that said, I hate millennials.  I hate the idea of millennials.  According to the timeline "definition" of millennial, I am one so essentially I hate myself.  As a well known hater, I find it an intriguing challenge to hate a category that I, myself, am included in, but I'll make it work.  We're entitled dicks that expect $200k salaries after 2 years of menial excel mashing, we mistreat each other to the n'th degree, and we've become so jaded socially that a majority of people need to resort to online dating to find a life partner.  It's crazy. Not knocking it at all, but it has absolutely become the norm based on how things are out there.  Hot chick with 5000 Instagram followers won't give a dude the time of day because she has "for bookings" in her profile.  That same dude will go on to random girls' profile and leave horrible comments about their appearance because he's all mad and shit.  People value themselves way too high/low for a variety of nonsensical reasons out here.  Time is a flat god damn circle.  

Listen, people older than us.  Don't focus on how we much we smell like shit and text too much.  Focus on how to set an awesome example for how people should act instead of standing on ivory towers pointing and laughing.  I know we're dicks, but frankly, we don't know how to be anything else, you enabling motherfuckers.