Thursday, September 30, 2010

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I was at the gym today just not really working out as usual, and I thought about the elliptical. The elliptical is just a frustrating exercise machine. God NO I don't use them, but I observe people on them because..again, I don't really "work out." Way too many big people on them that aren't going that fast.

Here's why this gym is awesome. It'll force you to make some serious changes in your lifestyle, or else, you'll, you know, die--or become really familiar with angling. I can barely fit into that door and I am in impressive shape. Again, don't work out.

Working Man's Diary might need to get in contact with this gym and get some sponsorship/advertising deals done ASAP. Granted it looks super sketch, and may or may not be a gym at all, but we're in. And that's because when you search WMD on Google, you get Weapons of Mass Destruction.
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Keep in mind this is strictly for the quarter-life crisis'd 20 somethings out there. It's fine if you're a "grown-up" and have a house phone. It's practical as shit. On the flip side, it is NOT ok to even go near a pay phone. Those things are like the Dodo bird. Thought to be extinct, but every now and then you see some mirage in the distance that resembles one. On the flipper side, how weird would it be to hang out at your friend's place and hear a phone ringing in the background? You'd initially think it's some ironic ringtone, but nope it's their fucking house phone. A phone specifically for their house.

Imagine being at a bar and you manage to get a girl to exchange numbers with you. How much of a weirdo would you look like if you said, "which one" if she asked you for your number? That "you have the option" move would end that game quickly, I assure you.

Payphones though? They scare the shit out of me. They scare me like Jack-O-Lanterns and Clowns. What are they there for? Who doesn't have a cell-phone? Who does have quarters? And that right there is the reason why it's sketchy. The deadly combination of lack of cell-phone and abundance of quarters gives me the chills like a re-watching of "The Ring."

In summation, I honestly have no idea which one is sketchier. Both are just weird as hell and have equivalent abilities to creep a person out. I, for the first time, am at a loss with what is creepier.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

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So did the "Flavorwave Oven" steal it's name from the "Easy-Bake Oven" or was it the other way around? The flow of both their names is too similar for some sort of collusion to not be taking place. If that's the case (which it is) than Mr. T was in far worse shape than we could have ever imagined. It's one of those moments that can only be equivalent to holding a friend's hand as their falling off a cliff, but you know you can't do anything.

If there's one way to ruin a career, it's going from being a grown bad-ass that blew shit up to a dude that has accepted an assuredly weak check to put your name behind an Easy-Bake Oven.
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Hell, how pumped would you be to go to work if this was the shit on the front door? Just ready to wall-stomp that Green Shelled turtle, grab it and chuck it down the street. I'd probably wall-snag that Star as well and just coast through the workday. Imagine being "invincible" throughout the entire workday. Refusing to send faxes, breaking the copy machine, and spitting in people's coffee would be my M.O. on Starman day.

Of course you have to take the good and the bad though. So you also have to deal with that Goomba behind you, that fireball, and that Red Shell raging face on your evening commute. Basically the equivalent of a dude bumping into you, your shit catching on fire, and tripping over a live turtle during your lunch break.

It's a magical world out there..we just have to have some dude paint a mural of it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

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Another round of G-Chats between me and co-blogger Dub Jeezy during the daily 9-5. The more I read over these the more I realize how insanely stupid we actually are. So let's just get right to it.

Dub J: could be a weird question
but what's the point of a savings account
Craw: that's just the money you have
checkings is my money to spend
saving is what im worth
currently that net worth is low
Dub J: haha yeah it just sits there but what is it sitting there for
Craw: when you get a kid
or want to buy a house
or car
Dub J: oh god

Craw: "The summer was painful. Very painful, very dark," he said. "Not enough time [to forget the Game 7 loss], but we're back and it's good to be back. " - kevin garnett
did kevin garnett ever leave his dark basement this offseason?
Dub J: just a creepy dude
Craw: really creepy
Dub J: will he be ready to stop lebrons drive to the basket
one month from now
Craw: the heat scare the hell out of me
Dub J: me too the magic are going to get waffle stomped
dwight throwing up a weird hook - bosh rebounding - outletting to wade - wade and lebron make serious eye contact - ball in the air - reverse 360 jam
Craw: showtime
Dub J: time out van gundy - the NBA accepts it's fate
Craw: carmelo signs in miami next year for the veterans minimum

Dub J: i'm eerily pumped for Craw sunday dinner because i know it's going to be take out
Craw: if everyone likes chinese thats what i wanna do
Dub J: "guys i ordered 14 crab rangoon appetizer plates"
no soda or additional sides
just a table full of rangoons
Craw: 58 rangoons and 80 chicken wings
Dub J: quantity.

(Friday Night Lights reference)
Craw: just called a lyla on the phone
told her the credit card was declined...i was just happy to say the name lyla
Dub J: hahah ms garrity
Craw: if i had a daughter and named it lyla...would you just shake your head
Dub J: haha no i'd shake my head if you named a son "tim riggins crawford"
Craw: these are my boys, tim riggins matt saracen and smash crawford
Dub J: smash crawford - just a bulldozer
Craw: i would almost craft a name so he could be called smash
Craw: then coach pee wee football and implant the nickname into his respective peers heads
Dub J: so diabolical
Craw: stevey smash
Dub J: it just might work
Craw: it could

Craw: just remembered i took 2 flowers out of one of the pots for me and vince to hand out to 2 girls outside the bar this weekend...the bouncer just laughed and said "really fellas?"
Dub J: my god
what a weird weekend
saw it coming the whole time
(not so proud of that one)
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Fax machines, mouse clicks, printers, phone conversations, keyboards, coffee sips, you name it...the works. If only every noise in the work place could be synchronized to the point where it were slightly tolerable. But who am I kidding this isn't Stomp.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm gonna lose my mind with all of the continuous noise. Now we're getting to that point where everyone's rockin' a cold so enter the constant sneezing, coughing, groaning, bless you's and excuse me's. Of course there's no headphones allowed so it's easier to listen in on the managers collectively heckling up a storm in the owners office. Apologies for the rant on this wonderful Tuesday night.
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Iron Man Dance from Kirby Ferguson on Vimeo.

sang to the tune of "Billionaire"

I wanna be like this Iron Man, so fricken baaddd.

Seriously though, I'm on a bench 95% of my lunch break and the most I do is sleep and stare at girls. It's embarrassing. Another opportunity to make my mark on this world and step up in society. Instead of being "random dude sitting on that same bench staring at that same chick" guy, I can step up and become "that Iron Man dancer downtown" guy. Say whatever you want, that's a huge fucking upgrade. I'll be the bell of the ball out there.

Local celebrity is my short-term goal, and Iron Man suit dancing is the short-term solution.
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So last year was thought to be a success in terms of cool/ingenious Halloween costumes. In retrospect, I sucked again. I essentially wore a vest from the Salvation Army, some Navy pants, spray painted my hair together, and went "The Thong Song" on everybody's ass with my Sisqo costume. The plan seemed awesome because I was hammered and the costume was not difficult to pull off. A) Be black, B) Apprehensively spend $2.99 on silver hair spray, bingo bango.

Now, now?! I have fuckin' carrot man to deal with. Look how much he's KILLIN' it at the bar scene. Can't see a god damn thing and still pulling a not that bad girl. Impressive. This is one of those moments in life where you are really humbled/put in your place. I knew I've never been able to put together a great costume in my life, but I always hovered around the range of decent. Because of carrot man now, I have to truly step my game up. Like I have to come out in a god damn metal suit of armor and be King Arthur to compete this year. Ludicrous.

The Halloween scramble begins.
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The chip on your shoulder routine needs to stop Mark. We got it before. It was cool to date that not-so-attractive girl when you were the up and coming nerd that was making waves throughout the Harvard school newspaper. Now you're worth like $6 billion and still dating this chick? I don't get it.

You're a strange looking dude, I get it, but you have the ultimate equalizer--the $6 billion Scrooge McDuck pool made solely of gold coins in your basement. You have slightly more money than "Arab Money"--is that offensive? Not sure. But anyway, you should be pulling chicks like this. I'm sure she's single. In fact, I know she'll be single the minute you click "yes" to "would you like a receipt" after your next ATM transaction. Step your game up MZ.

PS. You KNOW this is the best this girl can possibly look. If I can effortlessly pick up the exact mold of one of the most powerful people in world's girlfriends at a bar on a god damn Wednesday you know there's a problem. Or I'm really attractive. Or both.

Monday, September 27, 2010

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How weird is it that this disgruntled Goat can hit the exact notes Usher belts out in the song Papers. It's obvious the animals been exposed to the track right? His owners gotta be blasting Usher all day long out in the field...Either way a major talent has been discovered.

What is the deal with Goats anyway. You just can't mess with them. One second they'll spit in your face and the next you'll see them frozen on the ground. Not every Goat can showcase the R&B soul though I can tell you that much.
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...But have some self-god-damn-respect whatever you are. The fact that I'm not completely sold on what gender you are even though your Youtube name is "katiethesinger123" is very unsettling.

Plus, whatever you are, you picked a whore song. Whore songs are limited to hot girls and slopshow 5s. You my friend don't fit the criteria. Just upsetting that this is happening in the world. Won't be able to sleep at night knowing people are sitting in their poorly lit secluded basements making a mockery of my beloved pop music.

It also goes without saying that whatever this thing was, it killed the track. Sounded just like Kesha without the Autotune.
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EMBED-Human Powered Flight - Watch more free videos

This shit is like watching "March of the Penguins." Melodic voices, slow moving devices, and a sunset like no other. Basically a social Tylenol PM. After falling asleep 4 consecutive times in the first 45 seconds I made the effort to watch and listen to what they had to say. It's actually pretty interesting. Your standard, can't judge a book by it's cover moment.

Doesn't this devise look like the lankiest kid you know? I feel like that panning away shot of the bird in flight is like Pau Gasol running down the NBA court? Anyone else see it? No? Ok, maybe I should just probably pop this thing on repeat and fall asleep again.

Friday, September 24, 2010

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^1:32 is one of the best moments in music video history

So this video just makes me happy. Memories being rehashed left in right. Like that stupid, stupid idea I had to start a blog.

God that was dumb..
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^this picture is REALLY creeping me out.

So, this post is just creating a very sketch scene around these parts. By these parts I mean my office desk. If someone walks by and sees me feverishly typing something associated with this picture, they may make some assumptions--main one being, that I would rock a V that deep in public (not the assumption that I'm silly goose!). On the reals though, this shirt is fucking ridiculous. My nips would be cold as shit if the slightest of breezes comes by. Like right now, it's casual-Friday up in the employment location and yes I'm rocking a mini-V. These are respectable to a certain degree. That respect dies when people see that the shirt is salmon as well, but I'm a god damn rockstar so it doesn't matter.

I'm the type of guy that if I don't come up with a cool trend, I will trash, maim, and try my best to make it seem awful until I break down and do it. Like I did with Yo-Yos, Tamagotchis, and fucking Pogs, I did the same thing with V-necks. Now I have like 8 V-Necks that match the spectrum of a Double Rainbow. Am I getting judged? Are these looks that I think are "I want you looks" actually, "look at this loser with his 4th V-Neck of the week..and it's only Tuesday"?

It's fine. The crux of being a stud I guess. I'm a huge hater as well, so it's actually COMPLETELY fine if these looks are pure ridicule. The nature of the universe I guess.

What the fuck up weekend?!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

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As many of you may already know I'm not the biggest fan of animals in general. I had one dog growing up and to this day I don't think anything could beat it. A Husky Samoyed that would just lounge out, eat tons of food and watch TV. Didn't quite have all the mechanics down like Dub Jeezy's Bulldog post but it was almost there.

If you walked into a pet store and saw this thing picking up after his own mess your automatically inclined to get it right? Basically a decent enough looking dog that you don't have to look after. Just feed it and take it for a walk whenever you want and it's all good. A companion who's independent. Sold.
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So with the NBA season just around the corner the Chicago Bulls picked up Brian Scalabrine to join them in training camp. The city of Boston has certainly cherished the celebrations and intense stretching on the sidelines during his five years in Celtics uniform. I mean figure 8's with a towel after a tough finish on the games biggest just can't teach that.

We can only hope that the Bulls keep him on their bench for additional outlandish enthusiasm. Another one of my favorites is when he busted out a few select MJ moves after a huge dunk by Bill Walker. Good luck to you Scal, the greater Northeast region will continue have your back.
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As an amateur social scientist I've seen my fair share of social faux pas. If you've read 1/3rd of any blog on this site, you know I like to get after it more than enough. Mainly during the non-conventional days. Neither here nor there though.

My problem are dudes that by some stroke of God are unable to deal in the bar scene. I understand if you're fat, unfunny, or not cool, but if you're a solid looking dude you should at least be able to hold your own out there. I've been out with a couple individuals during this year and it's just glaring how weird people can be. Like sitting at the bar refusing to order a beer or be near other people. Just Omega males to a tee. Dudes that won't attempt returning eye contact, guys that will get after it via Ms. Pacman in the corner, dudes that will talk a girl's ear off and immediately ruin the attraction. NFL Draft analogy time.

These are the type of guys that for some reason didn't see the field even though they have all the measurables: Good looks, apparently solid lifestyle, and cool (Dub Jeezy) people around them. Some would assume these cats would dominate in the club setting. Then there's the NFL's drug policy, this dude-may-or-may-not-have-killed-somebody type of red flag that is the antisocial-ness. Like whoa, this 8 would probably get with you if you didn't dart to the pool table with only 3 quarters. You know you need $1.50. You KNOW.

I'm clearly a little pissed by this because these people tend to be near me freaking everyone out and creating what can only be described as a radioactive bitty force field that doesn't allow interaction.

When I become a life-coach, you best believe this is the first thing I'm tackling.
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God dammit, I didn't take into account the effect "The Jersey Shore"(though it is a phenomenal show) would have on every facet of society. Like right now for example..I am wearing the "shirt before the shirt" in anticipation of going out. I don't even know what that means, but I will be wearing a new shirt before I go out because of Pauly D and Pauly D alone. But yeah, Halloween is probably going to suck because of it.

Every dude out there has gone through the laughable debate of, "should I get that 'Situation' Halloween Costume with the abs cut out of the wife beater?" We've all laughed..then really thought about it. That's a problem to me. That's the social equivalent of debating murder. Just ain't right.

So I guess you can go ahead and buy the shirt here...
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Wishing I could really look back and document some of these sketchy dreams. So big Craw's been on a diet in the new house. A few problems come in to play microwave...not enough money for more than PB & J sandwiches...temptation all around the house with my four other roommates going to work in the kitchen.

But that's neither here nor there...but the real problem lies within thoughts in my sleep. So last night I had a dream that I was locked in a room made up of food...everywhere. We are talkin' pizzas, wings, nachos, poppers, the works...

Turns out for everything I decided to eat...some form of larva would grow within me and I'd have to pull it out. What the hell is that all about? Gross. Disgusting. Revolting. Really, how does this dream come about? I thought people had bad dreams about getting kidnapped or stranded. You realize you're a fat kid when...Maybe I should just go ahead and treat myself to some buffalo chicken and call it a night.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

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Cover your eyes if need be, but essentially this whale has been fucked since jump street. I don't even know how a whale washes up on shore in 2010. It's like how we don't get polio anymore. Someone stepped up and cured the disease. I have to imagine that happens in the whale culture as well. One enterprising whale had to be like, "Yo, a ton of us are straight up laying out on the beach and dying at a rapid rate. How about we just NOT go near the's not even that cool, it's just shallower water, right?" He'll be like the Abraham Lincoln of whales.

But seriously..shit's gross. It's like a shoddy sub that falls apart as soon as you pick it up.
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Yo, Jenks, what's good man? I watched 1.5 episodes of your show and I went through a roller-coaster experience of liking it and wanting to uppercut you.

You're just that mega-chill Cali dude that believes he can solve all the worlds problems. Hey Jenks, I want to invite you into the life of Dub Jeezy. Think you can deal? Can you manage going to work on a Tuesday hungover as balls from a combination of Four Loko, red wine, and Bud Light? I don't think you can, because I didn't. How about your abilities to eat a needlessly large sub and struggling through the second half of the work day? I can't see you doing that without passing out in the bathroom stall next to me. I'd also like to see you and your HAIR try to get a seat on the god damn T. Not even Jenks can pull that off.

So listen MTV, cut the shit with sending this guy to hang out with a rapper, autistic kid, and some homeless chick (even though that's awesome) and have him roll with Dub "I Got That Itis" Jeezy for a weekend. See if he's the same.

Before you roll through, you best step up your Super Smash Brothers skills Jenks...
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I don't know how to put it...but I just don't like this baby. Can't even come up with a creative little quip to come up with it. It's strictly related to how small the face fits into this baby's head. Just doesn't work at all.

The extensive toys are also causing problems for me. Like, if I get you a shit ton of toys, play with them. Don't force me to get my IFlip and watch as you're "trying" to imitate me.

Bubbly faced babies make me the most upset.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

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Fat Chick Tries To Jump Through Ring - Watch more Funny Videos

Shawty so Precious! But seriously, this is a big girl. Like I'm in incredible/awesome shape and I wouldn't dare test that donut. A lot of variables have to come together for ME to even pull that off. The world has to go through a time warp and end up in bizarro land for this chick to get a limb through that hole. It's essentially the opposite to the "hot-dog in a hallway" theory. This is like a hallway in a hotdog.

See? It doesn't sound right, and if you check it out above, it certainly doesn't look right.
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So apparently this dude-chick was out in the wild just casually searching for her son. Think about if you're the son in this situation. First off, no matter how much hair she has on her face, it's going to be weird to meet your mother after 33 years. To especially salt your situation your mom is in a wheelchair with the ICING on the cake being the legit Ming Dynasty beard going. At least touch that shit up mom. Hit the salon or something.

Can we talk about this little bandana number she's trying to pull? It's not distracting from your Cousin It thing going on.
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^exact image of me at my desk. Dressed as Asian.

Window seats become less appealing, you hear weirder noises than you would from a condemned house in a horror movie, and you have the urge to steal the most shit imaginable. This folks is overtime. Sad part is, I’m about 3 hours from even experiencing this extra period of work and I’m already really dreading it. It’s a serious dilemma.

OT seems like a good idea the week before. You get in that batshit crazy mindset of, “Oh, overtime next Tuesday? I can do that easy” and you’re all about it. Just anticipating that next fat check without thinking of the repercussions. You see, I like to break the day up into halves. Despite what you may think you cannot have 3 halves. Something has got to give. By give, I mean we have to break this shit down into hockey periods, and if there’s one thing I dread, it’s comparing anything to hockey. I don’t know how to pace myself. My bathroom trips have to be extra calculated and my random moments of walking back in forth between the 3rd and 5th floor have a much higher chance of being noticed. It’s like my cloak of slacking has been removed.

Part one of the day consists of zombie’ing myself to productivity (clearly not today), with part two following up strong with slacking, jokes, and the occasional 15 minute sprint sesh of work. Now with OT, do I have to be less of a zombie or more of a zombie? Should I have gotten a little sauced at lunch? I don’t know (actually I do know, and the answer is yes despite how terrible of an idea it is). Could have rode that drunk into the sunset, aka the end of the real work day and fought/slugged through OT.

The kid Dub J has never been the best performer in any type of extra session. Throwing up before OT of HS basketball games, unable to hit that 3rd gear in extended football games, and simply refusing to participate in any type of extra-inning baseball scenario. If you see a building crumble on evening news in Boston tonight, it’s probably me literally bringing the company down.

Monday, September 20, 2010

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Who's this? Oh just co-blogger Dub Jeezy walking on water after a sensational Sunday. It was like he met up with Harry Potter to snatch some liquid luck. I've never seen such a tremendous day from the sidelines.

It all starts around 10:30 am when we head out to our old man flag football game. Dub J gets out the NFL gloves and flashy cleats. I proceed to make jokes...He turns to inform me that I've never witnessed "the quicks." What are the quicks? The quicks...I later found out were his 678 yards and 4 TD's in a flag football game (as I slip, slide and drop passes in my New Balance Sneakers)

We then head back to the house for the highly anticipated Patriots vs. Jets game (what should've been my moment...god damnit). Turns out New York not only racked up more than 3 first downs but 28 points...Another tack on the board for Dub J.

At this point I'm steaming...just livid. I walk into the kitchen (still in my Tom Brady jersey...defeated) where the Kid himself (glowing) is flipping burgers, chopping veggies and blending milkshakes like a pro...just throwing together some family dinner us ordinary roommates. How can I be this jealous while crushing a delicious medium-well burger topped with melted cheese, lettuce, onions and tomato.

Sunday, September 19, 2010...Dub Jeezy's Big Day.
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Prime time date movie right here...that is until the girl looks over to offer some popcorn five minutes in to catch me whimpering and covered in vomit (too descriptive?)

Saw in 3D could either be a complete joke or the most over the top, gut wrenching film ever to be viewed in theatres. Not gonna lie...I watched Paranormal Activity alone in my basement and couldn't sleep for hours. Some of the previous Saw movies definitely dished out some chills...I don't know if the world is quite ready to "play a game." Seems like ten bucks for a heart attack and a trip to the shrink.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

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Dude just straight out smacked his woman in the face and she kept goin' like it ain't no thang. Some would say that's dedication, some would say that's shock setting in and she really didn't know what to do otherwise. Either way, the judges don't score you for how you deal with domestic abuse on the dancefloor.

Their only interest is in whether you can or cannot tango your ass off.
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I've been a bulldog hater for so long now. Within like 2 months they get ugly as shit and have not an ounce of athleticism in their meatball shoulders. Just a terribly constructed animal.

But the one thing that always redeemed the bulldog was their chillability meaning their ability to chill for you dumb folk.

All this son of a bitch needs is a sub and a vitamin water and we are the same person.
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I think so. I mean look how good Stephon Marbury is doing out there. Dudes just promoting sneakers, draining 3's and raking in the millions. Iverson's personal manager Gary Moore is somehow surprised he hasn't received any calls from NBA organizations, saying "we're very astonished, to say the least, that not one team has contacted us with any interest. I just don't understand it."

Well I think AI would have a better shot at the league this year if he didn't throw a fit in Memphis last season when he wasn't starting. It also would've helped if he stayed a few more games after his dramatic return to Philadelphia. Either way, what's stopping him from joining Starbury in a land where fans simply don't know any better. They'll believe he's still in his prime running the show but in a different setting.  Time to sell out and move to China man. Future NBA career is out the window. Bring on the informationals.

Photo courtesy of Katchop

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

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Who's this suave looking character chillin' in the streets? Oh just me enjoying the summer air outside. What you probably don't know is that dull looking blue shirt I'm wearing is roughly three years old, which is clearly one of the many factors to why a handful of people have challenged me to amp up my style.

One particular moment led to my revelation...My buddy just recently threw an extra pair of pants at me and forced me to throw away my carpenter jeans. What the hell man I thought those jeans were alright...Dub Jeezy was also kind enough to chime in and say my fashion sense "doesn't come to play in 2010."

Damn do I just not get it? Should I be sending my application in for What Not To Wear? Do I seek out Rachel Zoe? So what if I wait for Christmas on some new sneakers. So what if I've spilled on roughly 25% of my nice shirts. So what if I sold my iron for a few dollar drafts at the bar one night...Oh God...Maybe it is about that time I take a trip to the mall.
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Well let me stick on this footlong chin and get on my Jay Leno shit right now.

Who steals tires?! Like, an entire ball of confusion with that image. Impressive too. There are roughly 25 tires on this sedan and this car did not look in good shape. Why you don't steal the car and not the tires? Maybe the stereo, or the god damn muffler? I don't know what muffler's even do, but I bet they go for more than a shredded piece of rubber.

Let me tell you about this Chocolate Bunny. Shit's big. You can get an army of candy loving children, two Craws, and me in the background chippin' pieces off and making s'mores and we wouldn't put a dent in this thing. Small towns are all over the wall, so frankly, I'm not surprised at this error. They just don't get it. It's almost endearing.

Moral of the story: society is not in a good place right now. 2012, rapidly approaching.
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Before I touch up on what the fuck just happened there, the video game nerd emerged out of me and you know you never waste ammo on snakes/rats/birds. You knife those things immediately. Only so many bullets out there people.

Chick definitely overreacted with those errant bullet shots. Like the shit was on vibrate or something. You can't get helter-skelter when there's a fairly resilient snake around.

Sub me in and I guarantee I would use 0 ammo, kill the snake, make out with the girl, and make out with that chick all before motorcycle dude came in with the bazooka. Just have him there third-wheelin' holding a bazooka like a straight jackass.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

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So the other day New York Jets players and coaches were "creating an uncomfortable setting" for TV Azteca reporter Inez Sainz (deservingly so?) as she waited to interview QB Mark Sanchez. The media has really taken this one to the bank, with ESPN unnecessarily dissecting as many angles as possible. NFL officials were reportedly investigating earlier today. But the controversy itself never really grabbed my attention...It was Redskins RB Clinton Portis comments that did.

"You put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebody got to be appealing to her," said Portis. "I know you're doing a job, but at the same time, the same way I'm going to cut my eye if I see somebody worth talking to, I'm sure they do the same thing."

My man Clinton Portis tellin' it like it is. Even though he may be right here in the sense that everyone just needs to relax, some things are simply better left unsaid. He clearly just sparked wildfire with feminist groups who will dig up anything to criticize the NFL. His PR guys already got wind of his gems, and after a few collective tears were quick to send out an adequate apology. Portis will continue to visit the local radio station for more weekly dimes.
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Hahaha. I don't get a giggle too much out of this blog because it's a piece of shit, but sometimes my internet hunts bring me to some ludicrous things. Like how concerned would you be if we were pregaming and I decided to pull out fucking John Daphne. Your head would pop off right? I know I would. So many things to discuss.

I guess the Polystation comes with a free loaded pistol? Sweet, if you're into killing and playing the fakest games imaginable with controllers made of gummy bears. I don't care how down on the dumps you are or how out of the loop your kid can't in good conscience buy someone a god damn Polystation.

Imagine playing pickup and a dude in "Ballstars by Monica Sun" comes through and calls next. After you broke 2 ribs from laughing you'd have to assess the situation. I personally feel it'd be the equivalent of playing basketball with a person with two broken ankles. Just some X-Ray shoes that allow you to see the future tears and snapping that are going to take place. Those shits have to come with a Bluecross/Blueshield medical package.

I truly wonder if there is a group of bizarro bros ballin' in Ballstars, after an afternoon of some intense Polystation because they were fighting off their John Dapne hangover.

If this were the "Price Is Right", the total of these 3 products would have to be under $3 right?
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Last I saw this concoction, some NFL lineman and a 6'8 Italian basketball player were having a casual afternoon in some NYC game emporium dancing their asses off. I basically stopped thinking about it after that post (since, let's be honest, that post was wack--so wack that I won't even bother linking to it), but wait, wait this shit is having that same tingling, I-need-to-have-it feeling that Rock Band gave me. We all know how that went. Just several inappropriate times and situations where I can be caught guitaring and rigging the microphone to a textbook/iron combo and having at it in my boxers at like 1 in the afternoon. You know..I got down in college.

So, I'm debating whether or not to get this game. Yeah I don't have a Wii, but I feel like this is the type of game that if you buy it a Wii will work it's way to you somehow. I question myself, is this a solid option to practice for the bars with? Like once out of every 20 times, you're just not dancing that well. That's not your fault, it just means you don't practice hard enough. Not enough reps if you will. Well folks, we have your solution.

The playoffs are coming up (aka the start of fall before it gets cold as shit) so this is probably the time to dust off your Wii and hit the practice field.
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Gotta admit it feels great to be back in the living room on Sundays with purpose. Forgot how much the NFL can allow us working men to finish the weekend strong. On top of that we get Monday Night Football to really push the laziness into sheer passion as fans. The hungover hours just turned into an eventful activity.

Wings, beers, football, America. Doesn't get any better than this. Looking forward to the good times ahead. Next Sunday we got my Patriots vs Dub J's Jets. Tensions may cause for one of us to actually lift ourselves off the couch and cheer a bit louder...

Monday, September 13, 2010

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This past Saturday, this guy decided to get a little rambunctious. You know, take some whisky shots, chase it with Hawaiian Punch like the classy kids used to do. We head to this bar that last I heard, a dude died from a bottle shrapnel neck laceration or something. It's fine. I'm basically (...) a celebrity in this town, so no one will be dying on my watch. Especially with my "Popeye's spinach" concoction of whisky-HP. As I'm undoubtedly heading to the bathroom with a piss-in-the-next-8-seconds-or-your-night-is-ruined mentality, I catch out the corner of my eye a dude that looks oddly like this character on my guilty pleasure Fox Family television roller-coaster ride.

Since this piss took what felt like 14 minutes, I thought about how to attack this situation. Dealt with the whole, "this is a real questionable show to get all worked up about in a bar situation" thing and just said fuck it. It's a D-list celebrity--aka Dub Jeezy (...), how weird would this process be. First off, dude was like 5 foot zero. I felt like god damn George Muresan next to him. And I had some significant issues with the exchanged dap. It was wayy too clammy and uncomfortable. But dude turned out to be cool. About 17% of the bar knew who he was and he wasn't too creepy around all of my female friends (they may or may not exist). DISCLAIMER: None of this could be true. I was blacked out at like 12:43 that night. Needless to say, I asked him how easy it was being an D-list celebrity that 17% of the random bar population recognizes. His response: it's ok, big perk is I get Chinese Food. What?! Sign me up. I'll work for peanuts these days, peanuts being that combo platter of General Tsos, boneless spare ribs, and pork fried rice. Granted you won't get much work out of me and new bathroom investments may be need to be made, but I'll "work" nonetheless.

I'm going to reiterate the whole "I was HAMMERED thing" by saying I was staring at my fridge for 10 minutes having an anxiety attack debating whether to eat week old McDonalds breakfast. Yup, that drunk.

Didn't eat it, don't worry.
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Looks to me that some nerds contacted a bunch of nerds via what I can only imagine was a World of Warcraft message board and said, "hey, I know it's Saturday night and all, but do you guys wanna hit the aud and film a rendition of Pac-Man?"

They all said yes. Most of them with bells on. Seriously guys, this was legitimately cool, but I am concerned that this actually took place on a Saturday. They have a weekend hop in their step. The only way I'm out there doing that is if there was some promise of money, food, or women. Believe me, you can get me A LOT of places if there was a sandwich hour promised at some point in the future. Maybe even bagels.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, you guys need to probably link to another video showing the food, booze, models, and bags of money luring you into doing this. Then I'll consider respecting you.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

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Does it make sense for me to set my alarm earlier so I can just hit that snooze button a good three times or so? Maybe..but nothing beats those extra 15 minutes before getting on with the day. Literally feels like an extra 8 hours.

Dub J once told me he even sets his alarm to like 3:30 just to wake up and go back to sleep...I don't know about that but whoever invented the snooze should be making millions. It'll come in handy when the alarm sneaks up tomorrrow morning after crushing a handful of beers for the Saints Vikes game that's for sure. Enjoy your Thursday night.
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Always been wary of Captain Planet and the various other superheroes that wear tights and are still effective. That doesn't happen. I'd be rearranging my business mid-air completely ignoring that the villain shot like 4 rockets and the series would be over 11 minutes into the first episode. But really? This show was out in like '93. Shows could pull all of those semi-racist/controversial/offensive stuff back in the 40s and 50s back when the country was racist, controversial, and offensive. I undoubtedly saw this episode because I was a nerd that stayed in and watched cartoons instead of going outside to play (with the exception of digging for bugs in the backyard). I bet my Mom poked her head in my room while I was watching this, dipped out, and just washed her hands of the situation.

Nothing like explaining why one of the most diabolical men in history was just chillin' with the Planeteers.
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As much as I would kill to have a Dub Cheesy bed (and the accompanying chick on it) that shit's simply not realistic. You can't lead a respectable life if you have a burger bed. Rule number 1 of post-graduate life.

But for serious, my bed is stupidly large. The terms obnoxious, absurd, and "why?" have all been used on a consistent basis to describe my living standards. It's literally a big square. No side bigger than the other with two box springs, AKA ballerific. People always ask me, "why do you have a king sized bed when you're built so delectably slim?" My best response is, "why not." What man or woman with no bed would turn down a new free bed, especially a king sized one? If you're one of those people, you're probably a serial killer, or have no friends, or both. Just a red flag surrounding you the rest of your life. Shit will get you on, "How to Catch a Predator." People always wonder how I sleep on it too. What a weird inquiry, right? How about I go up to you and ask what your shit schedule is like. That'll end a convo real quick. Basically I sleep whichever way is convenient for whatever I'm doing, which could mean diagonally, which is a mindfuck. I wake up after sleeping in that spot and feel like I'm in Narnia or something. Just Centaurs and Fairies telling me my life sucks and I have to go to work.

All I'm asking you guys is to stop judging the guy that has a king-sized bed. He knows it's ridiculous, but he will never give it up for the life of him. Believe me, mine is right up there with my unborn first child. I, one time (sober) stated that all I care about in the house if it were to be robbed was my computer, TV/PS3, and my bed. No individuals, important documents, or furniture. Bed made the cut though.

Get off your high horse, full size.
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After shedding light on the number of inevitable summer issues I thought I'd share what to prepare for as the fall season approaches. Why am I quick to point out the negatives? Well because it's simply what I do. So everyone loves the idea of autumn in the midst of September, but let’s see where you’re at when you get wind of some of these problems.

Additional sneezing...Once you thought the allergy rush of summer has finally ended...time to enter in a whole new world of coughs and grunts among other generally unpleasant noises. I think I've sneezed a total of 450 times over the last two days. How am I supposed to sit at my desk for nine hours when I'm dealing with the constant running faucet of ooze that is now my nose.

Getting out of the shower...There's no escaping it. Every morning before work you have to clean up, but the fall brings that cold morning air that makes you cringe as you scurry to throw layers on. You know what I'm talking about. Only gets worse come January. You could always leave the heat on all night, but not when you live in an apartment with four other dudes that make no more money than you do.

Daily commute...Almost doubled. Enjoy getting stuck behind school buses as the kids pile on one by one.

Shorter days...A subtle flaw but definitely present. Another sign that the dreadful times of winter are upon us. So enjoy the foliage and crisp air in the next few months, but you can't say I didn't warn you when shit starts to hit the fan.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

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Listen, I apologize to any of you who watched more than 15 seconds of this. I will send a fruit basket to those of you who watched 30 seconds. No one should have been subjected to whatever that was.

It was like watching "The Blob" run on a treadmill with a tank top and pigtails while trying to drink a gallon of milk in one minute. Just a measurement of your ability not to throw up in a "your probably going to throw up/should throw up situation." The new college kids these days should include the ol' "Watch this Hippopotamus kill that overplayed Katy Perry Song and chug this fuckin' milk without throwing up" game in the list of stupid stuff they do because "their in college."

Basically, this is that time of year where I really, really miss school. Jokes aside, I went back to school last weekend for our first football game and the band played "Dynamite." Fuckin' Dynamite. Come on ref, can I get a call?
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So these are pics from what I believe was ONE recent night out in London,England some weekend. I had a slight idea, but Jesus do these guys get after it out there. Like Cloverfield just happened to about 4 select people on the streets.

Granted, I can see a couple of my roommates (including Craw) appear in one of these images in a few days years. But damn, are these people really dead? I've stumbled in some questionable websites in my day and have accidentally seen some real life dead people. These guys fit that bill. Head all tilted, people staring, and not giving a shit. All the tell-tale signs these people are deadzo.

So, I'm probably going to head over to the ol' US Airways at work tomorrow and just check what the prices are like to London because frankly who doesn't want to get "dead" drunk?
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We all knew Jones Soda was a little weird, but this is a whole new level of batshit. They should have just stayed in the shadows with their strangely priced Pomegranate soda, but nah, they decided to get ambitious and hit up flavors of sodas that NO ONE would have ever thought about requesting.

I've never been sipping a Sprite and thought to myself, "man, this would be sweet if it tasted like bacon...wait..better" If that's not a stoned college kid thought I don't know what is. I don't even know if these are cold beverages. Would they be better hot? Do I have to pour my fuckin' Bacon soda on a skillet and put it on the stove?

Talk to me when you get some egg and wing flavored complementary flavors Jones, if you're still in business.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

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School a la zombies? I'm in, you in? You better be in because this blog is like 45% centered on the zombie game. Just me accepting 2012 happening and you guys shaking your heads disappointed/upset/confused. That's basically the point of this blog. To disappoint, upset, and confuse you. If I'm not doing all three of those things every post, I'm straight not trying.

But moral of the story is this "Zombie 101" class that's going down at the presumed fake Baltimore University. Talk about college classes that I wanted to take. Like "What Not To Do In McDonalds 101" and "Bar Etiquette: Long Island Iced Teas" are pretty much the only classes I'd see that'd be more efficient or better. Learning how not to throw up and avoiding McGriddles.

Zombies, McDonalds, and Bar Stories..that's what WMD does!
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I'm confused about the whole, this chick got shot by a harpoon and survived thing. Aren't harpoons some serious weapons? Like if you shoot a harpoon gun, you have a good chance of dying.

So needless to say, this chick is probably not going to "diet" ever. Basically she's going to keep breaking barriers for fat people. On her way to becoming a habitual line-stepper. "Oh I survived a harpoon? How would I do around explosions?" Long story short, we're going to have fat people fuckin' around with TNT and A-Bombs.

With my steady diet of Dub Cheesys and newly instated Chicken Teriyaki, you best believe the kid will be dabbling in explosives very soon.

Monday, September 6, 2010

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I wonder how many calls these studs received after the ladies popped their tape in the VHS. Forgot how weird things were before social media kicked in. Notable lines include...

1) Hi, I'm Maurice...I'm an executive by day and a wild man by night.
2) I do consider myself a refined valley dude
3) What I'm not looking for is some big, overgrown monster that's always thinking about food.
4) I like to wear bright socks, and I'm a Cleveland Browns fan.
5) Life is a playground and I want somebody to play with.

At this point its a wash fellas.
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Just when you thought the world was a whole bunch of gum drops and sugar cups, there's a unfortunate case of female anatomy being showcased on TV, a "gay-demon" possessing a dude, and chicks that couldn't go that extra mile and hit CVS for a can of soda.

Some random thoughts:
1) What if the "Last Exorcism" was about this gay-demon? I'd see it on the count of it being 100x less scary.

2) It had to be a crisp, ice-cold can of Cherry 7-Up for this girl to have sex with this kid right?

3) Does anyone have "Goodnight Vagina" on DVD?

Still wiping the dust off, bear with me folks. Haha
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Remember I wrote that post like 6 days ago when I said, "The kid Dub J will be back in full force tomorrow"? Yeah, wow, just kind of really lied on that one. Like looked you in the eyes, told you one thing and did the other.

Well, here's the good news. Craw and I are a tandem force. No more of me yelling at Craw via text message to get on the god damn blog. I can walk down stairs, ask him to put up a post, and have him give me a "fuck that plan" look and politely decline. It's beautiful.

Time to shake the rust off because we're back baby.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

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Good to see the Boston Celtics re-sign Delonte West, which completely solidifies the 2010-2011 roster as most interesting group of people the NBA has ever seen.

This is my philosophy on how it all went down...

We've now figured out that secret agent D-West is back from behind enemy lines and ready to openly compete alongside his fellow assassins. In 2007 it was Delonte battling in Boston before the major construction of the Big 3. As the Celts took home the NBA title in '08, we see Delonte struggling with the talented yet unsuccessful Cavaliers organization. But, as the Cleveland lineup grew stronger the following season, it was Celtics president Danny Ainge that stepped up to hold a secret meeting with his former glorified role player.

In that private discussion in the depths of the TD Garden they came up with one solution to put a stop to the force that could haunt the franchise in the years to kill the one they call King. Soon after...Delonte was pulled over while speeding in his Spyder Roadster with a shotgun in a guitar case strapped to his back (yeah...this actually happend). Needless to say....mission aborted.

The next plan of attack was to mess with his emotions...thus, finding a way for West to hookup with LeBrons mom. It's evident the plan followed through in light of LeBrons dismal performance in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. Now that James has joined forces with Wade and Bosh in Miami, the Celtics have called upon West to join them back in Boston for a shot at Banner 18. Delonte's been bleeding Green all along, it just took us this long to realize he's still on our side. Stay tuned for additional chaos.
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It was a long hard journey, but it appears that we are all moved in and in one piece. I literally have nothing creative or cool to say--not that I ever have, but tonight, I bid you farewell. The kid Dub J will be back in full force tomorrow.