Wednesday, December 31, 2014

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In case you missed it, 2014 was a dumpster fire. Super trash.

We lost TWO planes.  But, you know,  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.  Donald Sterling brought racism back to the NBA because, my god, did we miss it.  No one thought "Redskins" was offensive.  Ebola happened, then we all Googled it, and got scared about pooping blood.  Oh, can't forget those crazy ISIS bastards.  Horrible.  And then, without fail, racism happened again.  All of sudden, police officers started killing black people like hotcakes.  Hotcakes, I say!

Iggy Azalea and Macklemore are also the songbirds of rap.  Drake got smacked by Diddy and also did this:

On the flip side we got Bobby Shmurda, who almost single-handedly saved 2014 with the Shmoney Dance:


But then we realized "Hot N***a" was the highest charting murder/gun storage confession track of all time and we lost our hero.

Cheers to another great year of random blog hiatuses, overt racism/sexism/everything-ism, violence and disaster.  All in all, it was hot basura.  Luckily we get another one tomorrow.  Let's try not to screw up 2015, guys.  Plus I promise to blog more.

Friday, December 12, 2014

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Good lord, man.  These ambiguous blobs of nitrate-free "treats" have set an almost unattainable level of whiteness.  Even Whole Foods would scoff at this like, "Oh wow, we..we just can't sell these."

But you know what?  These are a great way to set the bar EXTREMELY low for children.  Basically perfect for when you want them to have a childhood, but you secretly don't love them/care about their happiness.

Very curious to know what a gingerbread woman even looks like.  Boobs or nah?  Just trying to ask the important questions out here.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

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Mike Brown

Mike Brown's family this past Thanksgiving without their baby

Clear, vivid, and disturbing image of Eric Garner getting choked to death by the NYPD

Eric Garner's last words.

(Let's take a break from the dick jokes, cute animals, and strange, yet hilarious, banter.  The world is turning into a terrifying place right before my eyes.)

Look, I don't hate the police.  I was raised to revere them - to love them.  My father is a retired law enforcement official and still holds the spot as the best man that I know.  Although life was not great for him, he made sure that he raised a pragmatic and intelligent son.  He kept me safe, but not sheltered.  He made sure to teach me right from wrong, but, most importantly, he pulled back the curtain.  

For years I wondered why my father always told me to keep my wallet in my front right pocket (I'm right-handed).  At first I thought it was just a comfort thing, but then I slowly realized it was a precautionary measure.  While attending high school in a predominantly white area, I asked many of my friends where they kept their wallets. Most said they kept theirs in back because that's the only way they've seen it done - a respectable answer, but also a privileged answer.  Their fathers didn't have to worry about their kids getting shot when they were reaching for their wallet because the cop thought it was a gun like my father did.  They also didn't have to worry about walking alone on the street late at night.  Or being deemed "suspicious" for wearing certain clothes.  For awhile, I was naive.  I thought that if "I stayed out of trouble" and "kept a low profile", everything would be alright.  
Every day is a dice roll for every individual that walks the planet.  But, for me and others that look like me in the United States, the die are a bit more weighted.  After the recent events that have taken place in Ferguson and NYC, it has become abundantly clear that my life's value is much lower than I thought it was.  Again, naivety.  Like many others, I thought "WE MADE IT" when President Obama was elected.  I thought racism (overt and subtle) was on the way out.  It's not.  It's just reformulated and re-purposed.  Even though I've stayed out of trouble and kept a low profile, I can be dead tomorrow.

I'm not a lawyer and I'm not going to pretend to be (same goes for you, fake Facebook political analysts - newsflash, you all look like idiots), but lives were lost and repercussions were not administered.  A family was without their son and children were without their father this past Thanksgiving.  Trayvon Martin's parents had to spend another year filling that void in their hearts.  Legal system aside, that is some sad shit.  Imagine your dad, brother, friend not being around this Thanksgiving/Christmas and every holiday thereafter.  It's heartbreaking.  And I know that could have been and still could be me.  I wear hoodies, I listen to rap music out of the car, and I'd attempt to break up a fight if I saw one on the street (barring the situation).  But preconceived notions, man.  I'm a SERIOUS threat because I'm a reasonably stout, young black male and there is no way that I can shake that.

Please, everyone that reads this, take note of what I'm saying here.  Don't hit me back with "All Lives Matter"  (that's like running into a random funeral and yelling that you've experienced loss, too) or comment any stupidity on this post because I won't be having it.  Just read and absorb perspective from the other side of the lawn.  Ask questions.  Reach out to people and say "hey man, how are you?"  Shit like that goes a long way.  I implore you that this is not the time to argue.  Lives were lost, families were destroyed and cultures have been rattled.  It's bigger than all of us now.  

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

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First off, why is a hot dog rolling onto the court in a wheely cart at Cameron Indoor?  Just doesn't seem like the most logical move.  But obviously that's not what we're getting at here.  This hot dog has some SEVERE problems.

What's more American than wrapping an American flag around your body and cannibalizing yourself in front of thousands of teenagers returning from Thanksgiving break?  Honestly, I can't think of anything.  With that said, dude is determined.  He even has that biting-my-lower-lip-because-I'm-working look going.  He really wants to make sure he's delicious before he tries eating himself.

All in all, none of this makes sense and, frankly, I'm a little disturbed.  Regardless of what happens on the court today, little Timmy will always remember his first basketball game when a hot dog accessorized itself with condiments before eating its own body.

(Using a push cart to wheel your suspiciously phallic lower body is kind of a beast move)

Monday, November 24, 2014

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About two weeks ago, there was a 4.8 magnitude earthquake in some of the flyover states (sorry, coast or die). As most people know, earthquakes are the price California residents pay for dramatic ocean views and beach access, in addition to crippling mortgages and rents, and extra taxes and regulations.

Since the rise of fracking, earthquakes have been driving people in other parts of the country into doorways and under desks and tables, thanks to the shoving of water and chemicals into the ground with enough pressure to decapitate a dinosaur from 18 miles away. Because we're running out of energy sources and [many more politically inflammatory comments about money, Big Oil, government, and why not throw in OPEC, too]. 

So, since people outside California (and sometimes Washington and Oregon, I guess) don't have the involuntary earthquake detection factor, it's shocking and nobody thinks to be prepared. Certainly not the people in Kansas and Oklahoma. Someone called 911 after his recliner moved eight inches across the floor. 

Another resident reported that every ornament on her Christmas tree shook. This was on November 12. This is the real story: someone had her Christmas tree up and fully decorated by November 12. Is that a thing people do? Are we all supposed to have our trees up before Thanksgiving? I guess I'll start counting down to 2015 right now. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

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Egads, yo.  This is what happens when you have too much time and far too little chill.  Dude put a hamster sized toilet in his mouth and confidently walks out of the house every morning. Crumb-believable, I say!  So, how did we get here?

Just your typical, shaggy-haired white boy with a ton of inherent privilege.  Probably owns a skateboard, hates his mom because she didn't correctly microwave his Bagel Bites, and has VERY colorful language in Call of Duty online play.  You know, standard stuff.

Uh oh.  He bought his first a Slipknot CD.  After committing some random acts of petty theft, he probably put up a couple ironic "Caution" street signs on the front of his room's door and got some equidistant piercings.  Conformity is super wack.  And whoever "the man" is, fuck him.

Welp, he finally hit the"phase" where he expresses himself, doesn't shower, uses a Sharpie on his forehead and inserts a hamster toilet in his mouth.  It's truly that time to experiment and find yourself. We've all been there, though.  High school amirite?

YASSSS bitch.  Look at him coming in looking exactly like that uncle you're not supposed to be left in a room with while unattended. I mean, dude is a platypus.  It's uncanny at this point.



Monday, November 17, 2014

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Curving is an epidemic. Now that the Ebola scare has died down and all the thinkpiece dust has settled, it’s time to tackle the most underserved problem in the social media community.

“But Dub, WTF is curving?” Glad you asked. Curving is the swag term for getting rejected or shut down. Any time you’ve been bamboozled, hoodwinked or straight up played by a member of the opposite sex, you most likely got curved. For example: ever get a text from someone that just said “K” when you said that “you guys should hang out at some point?”

The curving breakdown starts and ends with some iteration of the list below:

The main problem is that no one can accept that they’ve been curved. I once convinced myself that all cell phone towers were down in my area due to seven mph winds and that’s why a girl didn’t respond to my texts. When you start creating wildly implausible scenarios, it’s probably a strong indicator that you got GOT.

Other “You got curved” situations include:

-Repeatedly checking your phone because you thought your thigh vibrated and she texted you back. She didn’t.

-Completely and knowingly immersing yourself in the friend-zone because, gosh darn it, you’re a good enough guy and that will eventually show.

-She tweeted 230 times, but has not responded to your texts

-She crafts wildly creative/disrespectful excuses not to hang out with you, i.e.: “I’m sick, but I also have to cook lasagna. So definitely not tonight.”

Now that we are in a social media age where people don’t know how to talk to each other in person, a lot of game is kicked online. Especially Twitter. From my vast and intensive research, there is nothing worse than attempting to slide into those DMs only to realize that you got picked off by the cutoff guy.

At least that was short and sweet. Got in and got out like a revolving door. Sometimes, though, things get a bit dicier in those harsh, harsh Twitter streets.

This is like getting dunked on in the playground, except it’s on the internet and will likely be there forever. Look, I get where this dude is coming from. He saw an opportunity, albeit an unlikely one, and took a shot. Too bad that shot was thrown wild inaccurately into triple coverage, but it was a shot nonetheless.

But, yo, shooters gotta shoot. Adele got curved so bad that she dropped a diamond album, so it goes to show that even the most battered phoenix can rise from the ashes. Or something.

Keep slidin’ in those DMs!

Monday, November 10, 2014

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Look, I'll put it bluntly.  The streets NEED a Smarf spin-off.  Sure, he died a gruesome death and has the weirdest skill-set in the game, but that's all in the mystery.  Is he a wise-cracking piano teacher with a heart of gold?  Maybe he's a cat that was born with Care Bear powers and has to maneuver through society as an outcast?  Is that a vest?  I don't know, but I want to know so badly.

Sidenote, I made the horribly amazing mistake of watching the full "Too Many Cooks" video while very drunk on a Saturday night.  For a guy that has never done peyote, it was a fairly perfect alternative.  With all that said, RIP brother Smarf.  Hopefully some genius TV producer repurposes yo' dead ass.

Full video:

PS. If they play this song at the club, I'm not NOT dancing to it.  Just sayin'

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

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If that's not a "Welp, guess I gotta ride this whole 'being stuck in a manhole thing' out" look, I don't know what is.  Just a donkey that realizes his current circumstances are not ideal.  Dude looks exactly like I do when I sit at my desk at work.  Pure indifference.  How'd he get into the hole?  No clue, but since this could very easily happen to me, I have to assume a smartphone was involved..

Yeah, there's a manhole 5 feet in front of you, but these tweets aren't going to send themselves.  Rule #1 of 2014 is making sure you get these tweets off by any means necessary.  If you fall in a hole, you fall in a hole.  

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

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Let's not get hasty here.  I don't want some young rapscallion to run in there with a gas canister and a match.  This needs to be thought out strategically.  And by "strategically", I mean military strikes, drones, Terminator-style robots, and potentially a trained army of grizzly bears.  

The fact that this exists is terrifying for so many reasons.  Mainly, EW.  Secondly, these spiders might figure out how to mobilize.  The odds that we have a "Caesar from Planet of the Apes" type of spider in there is alarmingly high.  

Let's get on it, super-soldiers.  We're wasting time here

Thursday, October 30, 2014

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Before we dive in, it would be irresponsible of me not to mention that Teddy Bend-her-ass-around has put on a few El-Bees. Not saying there's a causation, but there is, perhaps, a correlation.

That being said, I almost cried during this downright shocking rendition of "Buy You a Drink." It was probably the most beautiful song that I've heard in 2014. And, yo, I've heard Taylor Swift.

PS. Almost slipped up for a second and got seduced by T-Pain. Like, "Alright, I'll accept a drink from you, but you will NOT take me home. OK, I'll go back to your place, but we're JUST going to hang out" and you know how that goes. I'm probably never clicking "Play" on this Youtube again.

Monday, October 27, 2014

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20 years from now you'll remember where you were when you realized that Grammy Award winning RAPPER, Macklemore, was actually Tobey from The Office.  Little did we know that the GAWD emcee, responsible for such hits as "A Few Little Jokes About Being Cost Efficient", "That Song That Was Groundbreaking For Homosexuality" and "The Dude Singing The Chorus Should Be More Famous Than You" was also a legendary comedy foil.

Just goes to show that if you work hard enough writing rhymes during your lunch break in the HR department and ignore your boss constantly berating everything you do, you can become the best RAPPER in the history of the Milky Way Galaxy and reverse age yourself 15 years.


Monday, October 20, 2014

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Introducing the Goliath Birdeater spider - he will steal your wallet, smack you in the face, threaten your family and spit on you before he walks away.  We almost have to think about the mathematical implications here.  The less rain forest devastation = an increase in spiders that will mug us on the streets.  I'm not saying we need to start the ignition to these bulldozers, but I am saying that we should at least get Hagrid on the scene to confer on what needs to be done here.  I guess what I'm trying to stress is, I'm not trying to get fucked up by a spider.  Is that too much to ask?

(I'm SHOCKED that the person's hand in the picture is of the Caucasian ethnicity.  SHOCKED.)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

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We've all been in this dilemma, right?  No, not the person dying, but the person taking the picture.  Perhaps you see someone getting their chest cavity crushed by 235 pound metal, but feel the need to save them is at priority level 2.  Ya know, since you got to get these hilarious tweets off and save the best one for an Instagram photo later.  Odds are he'll live anyway, so what's the point of squandering 100 likes to save a life that most likely doesn't need saving.

The downside to this whole thing is that the person will probably remember your face as "that guy that chose to take pictures of me dying instead of saving my life" and will probably try to seek murderous vengeance on you until the end of days.  But man, 100 likes is 100 likes.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

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Lil TerRio was at the BET Hip Hop Awards tonight and let's just say he didn't look..thin/well/healthy/like a 6 year old should.

So, with all that said, I gave TerRio a new nickname.  Introducing the GAWD of the clouds, Yung Cumulonimbus.  You know, because 1) that white shirt didn't stand a chance and 2) he's the closest thing we have to a cloud in the rap game.  Genius, I know.  Thanks.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

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Can't quite figure out what that metaphor is, but I'm sure one exists for this video.  In a completely shocking scenario, the cat was NOT about that action.  In fact, the cat seemed like it hated life, but such is the life for cats.

You: "Hey, let's do something fun!"

Your cat: "Nah, I'm good"

There was the tan-ish cat that tried to play along, but generally had no idea what was happening.  I'll be honest, though, why are you walking cats?  A main benefit of owning a cat is to ignore their general needs because they can solve their own problems.  Buy a cat, enjoy the kitten days, begin to develop disdain for one another and co-exist for the duration of time.  Simple as that.

Found the metaphor: the black cat getting dragged is every dude that has to go apple picking with his girlfriend in the fall.  Nailed it.  

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

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You're excited. You've crossed out all of the days leading to October 7th.  You sprint to Gamestop to buy your copy of NBA 2K15.  You read the back of the game and see that there's facial recognition software built into the game that allows you to upload your likeness into  Create-A-Player mode and today is basically the best day ever.  You rush home, pop in the CD, set up create a player, take your picture and.....your fucking eyes are on your chin.

Gaahhhh-lee.  Shit like this will start to make you reevaluate your entire life.  You'll start questioning every single instance that you took a picture, wondering if you look as ghoulish to your friends and family as you do to the 2K Sports servers.  As far as I'm concerned, the NBA 2K15 camera actually takes a picture of your soul and shows what you actually look like on the inside.  For that reason, I will not be participating in the facial recognition technology and sticking with "Generic Black Guy Face #5."

Monday, October 6, 2014

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We've all been in the Facebook game long enough to have a couple spam accounts request us every now and then.  Today was my most interesting spam request yet.  For one, the person was clearly using pictures of the only black male model in existence, Tyson Beckford.  I know that blasian mug anywhere, plus I literally know zero people with abs like that.  Shrewd move spam bot, shrewd move.  

At first this was an automatic "delete", but then I thought, "Wait, whoever this person/bot is chose pictures of Tyson for reason.  I might have to investigate."  Plus, the "Also from Bronx, New York" is an excellent touch.  What this bot doesn't know is that the Bronx already has a fake Tyson Beckford and he's a crackhead on East Tremont that bears a striking resemblance to DMX.  

To be continued...

(Outchea like)

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Now, more than ever, is the time to develop an R&B caliber voice.  I've been saying it for years.  An R&B voice just makes life a little bit better.  Sun shines brighter, birds chirp louder.  It's like wearing glasses, but through your voice.  Wear glasses - people think you're smarter.  Sound R&B'ish - people will respect you/think you're hilarious.  Win/Win.

That being said, this video is indicative of most relationships in 2014.  Perhaps this lizard dude broke up with his lizard chick via text message and the lizard chick didn't think they ACTUALLY broke up since it was via text and she thought he respected her more than that.  Perhaps.  Regardless, I'm pretty sure this is how dudes and chicks interact with each other.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

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Got to hand it to the person that drew this comic - they went all in.  Probably realized that no one is reading print newspapers anymore and threw up a YOLO comic.  Hey man, we've been there.  A lot less overt racism and crude artistic depictions of world leaders, but we've been there.

Like, yeah, we get what you're trying to say with the intruder bathing behind Barry's shower curtain, but the other stuff was up to a bit of "artistic interpretation."  Aside from the obvious toothpaste jab, the monkey ears move was a "eh, I'm probably getting fired soon, let's get REAL racist with it."  I'm not even that mad about this because at least it wasn't another black dude getting shot at by a cop. Any time that doesn't happen we have to chalk it up as a win in 2014.  On a sidenote, I'm completely ok with the racist foods associated with black people.

Watermelon?  Refreshing and delicious.  Fried Chicken?  Possibly the best thing to ever happen to food.  Grape flavored beverages?  Tell me you won't do horrible things for a Welch's grape soda and I'll call you a liar to your face.

Good thing Boston's not known for having a rich history of racial unrest or anything.  Really dodged a bullet on that one.

Monday, September 29, 2014

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30 days, everyone!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

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Welp, cuddling is back, I guess. I don’t know how or when this happened, but obviously this is terrible news. It goes without saying that cuddling sucks. We didn't need this. I’d even go as far to say that people are living in a Golden Age of easily accessible, non-committal ass. Someone invented Tinder and people are able to arrange random sex with strangers from the comforts of their own couch. Then Cuddlr happened and it pooped all in the punch bowl.

But, since I’m all about that creep life and take my journalism seriously, I did the damn thing and downloaded the Cuddlr app to see what it was all about. (Spoiler: I got freaked out and almost immediately deleted it)

So I opened the app and instantly got hit with some bullshit:

Couple red flags:

1) Nah, yo. These egg people are giving off some troubling vibes. And by “troubling”, I of course mean “come back to my place so I can chloroform you, dump you in an ice bath and remove your kidney.”

2) An hour to accept? Someone who looks nice? What does any of this mean? If you’re going to cuddle with an organ harvester, you better dive face first into the act. Make that decision in 10 seconds or less.

How do you find a fellow cuddler, you ask? Apparently the same way you found enemy trainers in Pokemon Red.

Do we just cuddle right on the spot? Do you rent a motel? Should you get drunk first? I have no idea how this works. Either way, you might have to deal with the ramifications of random erections.

Wait, what? PG? I don’t feel comfortable using an app based solely on rubbing genitals if random erections are not socially accepted. Can you see the egg people’s hands in that picture? Exactly. Definitely some yolky funny stuff going on there.

Simply because I’m a competitor, I would strive to be the world’s greatest Cuddlr even though cuddling is fundamentally stupid and pointless. If that means working out less so I get fat, doughy and more cuddle-able then so be it. Perhaps I need go on eBay and buy a CD player so I can create cuddler-specific mixtapes for each of my meetings. There’s being a good cuddler and then there’s going the extra mile for that ‘thumbs-up.’

Now that I’ve pretty much transformed cuddling into a sport, let’s see what the deal is:

Ah, the old “we need your Facebook info so your girlfriend and all of your friends can see that you’re using an app to cuddle with strangers” trick. Not going to fall for it this time. With that said, it’s still worth poking around and seeing what the clientele is looking like. You know, for experimental reasons.

Let’s call a spade a spade - lots of dudes, including two infants. And a picture of two ninjas fighting each other with fences. It’s safe to assume that this app has a few kinks to work out in the user department. Shout out to Evie, though. Her phone battery must be hot to the touch with all the cuddle requests that must be rolling in. Basic only-chick-at-a-sausage-fest economics right there.

It may come as a surprise that I deleted the Cuddlr app about 45 seconds after downloading it, but it had to be done. They were asking about my government name and wanted to make me into a social pariah. Plus the egg people were VERY off-putting. Other than that, I can see this app going through some real struggles. Zero dudes actually want to cuddle, we all get erections, and, to be honest, we generally don’t smell awesome most of the time. The market is going to use this exactly like they use Tinder and that’ll bring about some hilariously horrible results.