Monday, June 30, 2014

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*It occurs to me that there might be people reading this blog that actually enjoy soccer. People who are aware the sport exists for more than a few week period once every 4 years and who (correctly) turn elsewhere for their news on the beautiful game. So until the World Cup is over I will be covering all the action in Brazil in a vain attempt to write about something that people care about (in between blogs about cats and dick jokes and whatnot). So without further Freddy Adu (get it? ok, i'll stop), here goes WMD's first non-sarcastic soccer blog.

Scouting Belgium

Belgium may not have had the success of a Spain, Brazil, or Germany on the international stage, but due to a plethora of young talent and a shockingly easy list of group stage opponents Belgium was picked as a dark horse so much leading up to the World Cup that it would be unfair to actually call them a dark horse any more. Proven Premier League performers Marouane Fellaini and Mousa Dembele provide a reliable platform in midfield while Kevin Mirallas and the always-dangerous Eden Hazard offer a strong threat from wide areas further up the pitch. Starting striker Romelu Lukaku has yet to score his first goal of the tournament, but is a mountain of a forward at 6'3" 220lbs and scored 16 goals in all competitions for Everton this year.

Similarly bad for the USMNT is the presence of a strong backline and a world class keeper in between the posts. Thibaut Cortois is probably already a top 10 goalkeeper in the world at the tender age of 22. It's no surprise with a backline featuring Tottenham star Jan Vertonghen, Bayern Munich veteran Daniel van Buyten, and Manchester City stalwart Vincent Kompany that Belgium's defense has only leaked 1 goal thus far in the World Cup. In fact, their defense is so good that Arsenal captain Thomas Vermaelen only managed to play in one group stage game.

USA Chances

All of this means that Belgium has a stronger team than the United States on paper. Yet somehow, for all their attacking talent, this Belgian squad hasn't quite gelled and only managed 3 1-goal victories against arguably the weakest group in the tournament in Algeria, Russia, and South Korea.

Look for the U.S. to start out cautiously and try to avoid another early mistake. Belgium will control possession for large portions of the match and the Americans will look to counterattack following any sloppy play by the Red Devils. If unsung hero Kyle Beckerman and his dreadlocks o' freedom can jam up passing lanes and force turnovers, counterattacks launched by Michael Bradley and featuring Clint Dempsey (and a potentially healthy Jozy Altidore) will pose a potent threat to Belgium's goal. 

WMD prediction: Heartbreaking 2-1 Belgium win in extra time

However, there is still reason to be optimistic. If the USMNT can take down a rising soccer power in Belgium, there is no reason to think they can't make even more noise. So skip work, get drunk, be rowdy. Tomorrow could be just another early exit in the World Cup for the USA, but it could also be the dawn of a new day for soccer in America.

Friday, June 27, 2014

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Having a rough day?  Weekend plans not coming together like you thought they would?  Well, at least you didn't get your head stuck inside of a dead buffalo's asshole.  

I mean, it is VERY evident that this poor bastard is going through it right now:

Doesn't know which way is up, how he got in there and has no idea how he's getting out.  Things are not looking good at all.  Love his family, too.  Just like, "there's  junior getting his head stuck in between some buttcheeks again."

PS. Obligatory "white people being WAY too close to dangerous animals for no reason" shot:

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

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Look at this.  What in the FUCK is going on here?  Two Asian eggs hanging out with a Mexican bird that has a gunshot wound in its head?  I've never done acid, but I have a good idea what it's like based on this picture.  In other news, Google is wild'n out.  I get it.  When you have a trillion dollars in the bank, you can throw semi-terrifying images/gifs on the homepage and not really care what people say.  Google has also created some bomb-ass homepages in the past that had the power to turn a crappy day around instantly.  With that said, all the goodwill Google has built with me is being slowly destroyed by these World Cup themed pages.

(Yo, did anyone know the World Cup was a MONTH long?  Holy hell.)

"Oh my god, they NAILED my office.  All we do is watch the World Cup at work when the boss isn't around.  SOOO GOOD!"

I'm fed up, man.  I was offended by this and I don't even know why.  Felt unpatriotic for some reason.  Like, why is our bird hovering at a pace a millisecond slower than that other bird?  Yeah, that may not be true, but when you're fed up you look for shit to make you madder.  It's the curse of being a hater.  

All in all, I'm craving for that simple Google homepage.  Just the word Google.  That lovely trillion-dollar company that mines all of our personal data and will soon take over the world Terminator 2 - style that we all know and love.  I want you back.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

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Oh, you thought it was just a relaxing casual Thursday?  Nope, a dance party started - my bad.

What lead this to happen?  I can only assume that Hot Topic just had an unbelievable door buster sale and they just couldn't contain themselves.  Or they were about to sit on a stoop, smoke some cigs, make fun of jocks and look genuinely disinterested with everything.  Can't really tell.

PS. Gucci Mane makes everything better.  Legend says that if you're sick and take NyQuil while simultaneously listening to Trap House III, you'll become instantly healed*.

*addicted to codeine and have slurred/borderline illiterate speaking patterns

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

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So close, guys.  Almost had it.  Just kidding, you guys fucked up badly.  But look on the bright side, at least it was hilariously bad.  I mean, this is basically LeBron James if you decided to scribble indecipherable tattoos on him, exaggerate his hairline to the point that all of his hair disappears, and make sure his lips got stung by like 8 bees.

Yeah, it's kind of exaggerated to the point of almost being racist, but the effort was made.  This was the absolute BEST that someone could do.  The NBA Live franchise has taken roughly a 10 year hiatus and this is the amazing trash they presented us with.  Keep toiling away, guys.  Excited to see what things look like when you really start getting rollin' in the development room.

Friday, June 13, 2014

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So yesterday I tweeted this:

(FYI, if you have a Twitter and don't follow me, you are missing out on the musings of a psychopath genuinely hilarious person)

Back to the topic at hand.  "Lean Back" is, like, the weirdest song ever.  For starters, it was one of the first songs of the modern era that white people can sneak a veiled n-bomb in and claim, "I was just singing along!", so racial-bridges were being crossed whether we wanted them to or not.  More importantly, the remix happened.

To be honest with you, the song isn't even THAT good.  Yes, it let us know that Pastor Ma$e was not sleeping under an overpass near the Hudson River, but as far as big-time rap songs go, it's not really on the list.  But if you look closely, you can see why this song has the staying power that it does.

I remember the first time I heard Lil Jon scream in my ear the same way I remember getting accepted to college.  Shit was life changing.  Yeah, my eardrum kinda ruptured, but what I gained was WAY more important than the decibel-hearing range that I lost.

So, why do I say that the first 8 seconds of "Lean Back" are the most important 8 seconds in music history?  Because there is no greater dice-roll in life quite like having BOTH "Lean Back" and the "Lean Back" remix on your playlist and having zero clue which one is playing.  You just have to wait through the longest 8 seconds of your life to get a definitive response.  Personally, it lets me know that I'm alive and still have blood flowing through my veins.  

If you're like me, you've convinced yourself (at least 50 times) that there are small idiosyncrasies in the beat of the remix even though you know in your heart that isn't the case.  Sure, you're disappointed any time you hear Fat Joe belt out "YEAH!" instead of Lil Jon, but that's why you play the game.  That's why you pop the headphones in each and every morning commute.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

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Hey bro, that's a doorstop, it's not going to attack you.  Or is it?

Maybe you should flick it and see what happens.

Oh no, that wasn't good.  But it was also pretty cool.  You should flick it again.

Wait!  Maybe you should bite it now.

Oh god, oh god, that was scary.  I think you need to investigate why it was so scary.

Ok, looks like you investigated it, but didn't get anywhere.

Well, that sucks, buddy.  I'm just going to leave this camera here and live my life while you continue being cute and eventually earn me some passive Youtube dollars.  Find me when you have to take a shit or something.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

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FYI: I don't know soccer, watch soccer or really understand soccer, so most of this is offensive, ignorant trash.  Enjoy!
It has come to my attention that your game that shares a name with another very different game is making its return at the end of the week.  The wacky sporting event with the feet, overt racism and loud crowds that occurs every four years is finally back.

It's time to throw on your eerily comfortable, ok-to-wear-in-public jersey that is riddled with foreign advertisements and risk unemployment by watching them kick that ball on the ground into large nets on weekday afternoons.  Most importantly, it's time to represent (via jersey wearing and uninformed discussion) a place that you never visited and think your great-grandfather immigrated from because of scheduled patriotism.  

It's crunch time, so get your shit together.  If y'all don't have your dissertations on why/how soccer is taking over the United States sports landscape ready by the end of the week, you're basically not even a fan of the game.  

PS. You guys forgot to mention that the mascot bought it's forehead from the Rihanna store

Thursday, June 5, 2014

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"There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others," said Randall in Clerks.

Second to that is snapping a turtle shell on a fool in MarioKart. That shit is like crack, and I'd trade all the Rainbow Roads in all the games for that. Hardly worth it, but crackheads aren't that smart, and it's all about the short-term. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

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We've all been there.  You have a nice date night set up.  She deserves a nice night out so you drop a few hundred bucks on dinner and drinks.  Hell, you might even splurge for the Uber Black Car.  Then you get home and think the night is going to continue and as soon as you go in for a kiss, this happens.  In the amount of time it took for you to go to the bathroom and take out your contacts, she managed to get into pajamas, get under the blanket and fall asleep for the last 5 minutes.  Once you get past how incredible it was that she managed to fall asleep within 32 seconds of walking in the door, reality begins to set in. 

(That look at the end just SCREAMS "Welp, looks like it's time to log in to Chrome Incognito Mode")

Monday, June 2, 2014

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Add this bear in a hammock to the list of bears that are scaring the shit out of me.  Someone was like, "Oh wow, honey, there's a bear in our backyard.  And he's in the hammock!"  Put the iPhone away and call a zoologist, asshole.  I'm using this blog as a PSA to alert everyone that we are about to be overrun by bears.  Like, literally taken over by bears.

Exhibit A:

Bears are out here dealing with some real significant shit.  We can't cast this off to the side as normal.  We also have to assume bear psychologists exist too.

Exhibit B:

Super polite.  Trying to lull us to sleep.  I've fallen for the "Oh, hello. I'm a bear" routine quite a few times (I've laughed at this video at least 1000 times), but now the jig is up.  I'm on to you guys.

Exhibit C:

Can't forget the Michael Jordan of "Bears are gonna fuck us up" videos.  This is the OJ's glove of bear videos.  They lied about not having posable thumbs for pretty much 1 billion years.  Obviously impressive, but still VERY concerning.