Tuesday, April 29, 2014

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I know what you're asking yourself and, yes, I thought about it too.  How can you live with yourself if you turn down an "ASS" bracelet?  Knowing my luck, I'll turn down the ass bracelet right before ass bracelets become the "it" thing to wear.  Don't know if I can miss my shot at fashion immortality.  

Has a "slavey" vibe to it, but ya know what?  I kinda dig the diversity.  If everyone's a slave, no one's a slave, right?  No?  Shit.  Maybe not this one.

I know boob necklaces when I see them and this right here is a boob necklace.  I'm not saying that nipple-less Barbie boobs are influencing my decision making process, but I can verify that they are definitely not helping.

This is nightmare fuel.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  It's vile, disgusting and I'm pretty sure that I'm offended by it.  With that said, I think there is tremendous use for this as a coaster.  Imagine hosting a dinner party and really shaking things up with this on your table.  Your friends will REALLY think about whether or not they want to be your friends.  So if you're trying to filter out people in your life, this will make a great holiday gift!

If Donald Sterling wanted to make a preposterous power move, he'd buy this right now and wear it tomorrow and every day thereafter.  Like they always say, the best way to prove that you're not a racist is to wear a Black Ken - White Barbie interracial necklace.  Worked for Don Imus, Bill O'Reilly, and Tommy Hilfiger, so it's your turn now, Mr. Sterling.  Prove us wrong.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

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Yikes.  Let's be honest here, there may have been fatter babies born, but this baby is doing her best to look as fat as possible.  Like, this is the face you make when you try to hold your breath under water when you were a kid except this is a one day old baby just struggling to fit into society.

Fat or not, we all know you can't throw stones when you live in a glass house:

Clearly Lil' Dub did NOT hate food, so this other fat baby is completely cool with him.  Although, you need to up your outfit game though, Missy.  Can't wear a sock on your head and call it a hat.  Rule #1 of being fat - draw their eyes away from your body and have them stare at your dazzling outfit.  Is that hat attached to the overalls?  Who knows.  At least you forgot how fat I was.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

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Dudes fighting in the locker room.  Roy Hibbert's literally and figuratively turning into a ghost.  This is your number one seed Indiana Pacers, guys!

But seriously, if I was one of these dudes and I went on the internet over the past few months I might shed a tear.  What I do regret, though, is not coming up with the completely ludicrous and nonsensical team picture idea first.  

Thursday, April 17, 2014

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Yeah, um, what the fuck was that?  Did that robot monster just turn itself into a ball, roll down the hill and try to act like nothing happened.  We saw you, you scary bastard!

But seriously, why?  Why did someone say, "We most certainly need a robot that can turn into a ball at a moment's notice"?  I will wait the rest of my life to get that answer because I really don't see the point. It's all fun and games until someone gets their ass whooped by a robot roley-poley.  

We made a robot soccer ball, but my train to work essentially caught on fire this morning.  Priorities, people.

Monday, April 14, 2014

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KFC has gone and done it again.  The Colonel messed around and effectively changed prom night forever.

It goes without saying that I'm super jealous.  Borderline seething.  I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that I almost threw my cell phone across the room when I read this story.  Why do these kids get to chew original recipe chicken off their dates' wrists when I couldn't? 

This is going to become my version of "back in my day, I had to walk 10 miles to school" except it'll be the fat person version.  Drugs, alcohol, sex?  Nah.  The only prom advise that I'm dealing out will have to do with "grilled vs. original recipe" and what kind of dipping sauce you need to go with.  I'm going to be an awful awesome dad.

Friday, April 11, 2014

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Nothing, and I mean nothing, will teach you the intricacies of sign language faster than a couple of Jehovah Witnesses telling deaf people to stop masturbating.  The gold standard.  I mean, all of this transcends language:  

Reasoning, execution, shame and forgiveness.  This guy nailed it.  No need to take any expensive classes or spending hours learning when you have Curtis Jackson and a few overenthusiastic Jehovah Witnesses teaching lessons on Youtube.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

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RANGE of emotions here.  Initially you're confused.  Then you're very excited.  Then you're terrified.  Then you're intrigued.  And finally, you're confused again.  

This is clearly voodoo magic and I need answers.  Lots of answers.

(I also need the fake Emma Watson face/boob costume for Halloween)

Monday, April 7, 2014

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No?  You didn't want to see that?  Well, you're here now and it happened.  You saw one of our Presidents eat popcorn that was too buttered and let out a fart in front of 10 million people.  That was your Monday night.

We see you, Bill.  He's got that "If you don't think I'm hitting on that blonde via inception right now, you're out of your mind" look on his face.  Basically calling us idiots for thinking otherwise.  

True Detective: Season Two?

Friday, April 4, 2014

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It's no secret that I have spent most of my blogging history/life bashing babies for being idiots.  They're very, very stupid creatures.  If there is one thing that I can't blame them for, it is their fear of shadows.  As a little kid, nothing about shadows makes a lick of sense.

How do you look a 3 year old in the eye and tell them the definition of a shadow?  Shit's not worth it.  You just have to let them deal with the phenomenon on their own.  Young Dub J, for example, had some severe issues with shadows in the early stages of life.  For a solid year, I tried to race my shadow.  Thought I was the fastest kid in the world, but was never able to beat that asshole.  Every time I thought I was going to win, it would disappear like the punk bitch that it was.  So yeah, I cried like 4 times once about it, but  that's what you get when you're an idiot kid.  Living and learning.

First life lesson I'm going to teach my kid: sometimes you eat a penny you find on the ground, throw it up and learn not to eat pennies anymore.


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

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I'm not going to lie to anyone here.  I can't stop staring at this lounging ass dog getting snacks dropped on it's face.  It's mesmerizing.  Why is the dog sitting like a person?  Is dropping snacks on a dog from a short distance considered "cruelty"?  I need answers.  Fast.