Friday, January 31, 2014

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Producers might as well burn their studios down right now.  Up and coming artists should throw their Macbook Pros out of the window before they finish reading this sentence.  It's all over.  IceJJFish just broke the game, put it back together with Elmer's glue and flipped it upside down.

And don't think about coming at him, because...

He'll steal your girl.  

What a day for him, huh?  Rearrange the idea and general concept of music and steal thousands of girlfriends.  Where does he find the time?  If you didn't delete all of the music in your iTunes library and immediately add this as your only song I have to say, with utmost confidence, that you're doing it so very wrong.

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I've conducted an unscientific study that revealed 80% of Acura drivers are jerkfaces. According to the data, Acura drivers are more likely to:

1. Cut fools off

2. Tailgate

3. Fail to signal an uncontrolled left turn

4. Refuse to abide stop signs

What's behind this shitbaggery?

Primarily, an Acura is like fourth-string luxury. Consider that first strings include Rolls Royce and Bentley, your basic $400,000 vehicle, while Mercedes-Benz and BMW are second string, lower-priced model Mercedes-Benz and BMW are third strings. As we've known since like 1989, Acura is just a more expensive Honda. So they've got something to prove.

And who can forget the apology Acura had to issue after its casting call for a "not too dark" African American actor?

Famous Acura-Driving Assholes*:

Tom Cruise
Larry Ellison (from Oracle -
Joe Montana
Charlie Sheen
Vanilla Ice (shocker)
Suze Orman
Scottie Pippen
Mark Zuckerberg

*Can't guarantee they haven't sold it

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Hey guy, what's your deal?  You're like a combination of every animal's worst feature, yet you somehow look really pleased with yourself.  Shit's admirable.

Ugh. Mexico can you please, for once, get your shit together.  I feel like we have to tell you this every 6 months or so.  Whether it's swine flu or rogue water salamander birds, we always have to check you guys when you get out of pocket.

Important question: What do you do if this thing just rolls up on you?  First things first, I'd give it all of my money and credit cards.  Let it know that I'm down to comply with any and all demands.  Next play is your choice.  Personally, I'm folding immediately.  If it wants to lick my face, it can lick my face.  Maybe that's because I'm a bitch, but you walk your own plank.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

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I spy with my judging eye: a company car parked like a dickhole. Aside from crimes against children and animals, nothing twists my kidneys more than bad parking. But it's a wonderfully rare opportunity when it happens in a conspicuous ride like this.

Whoever parked the Heroyk SUV worse than Bill Buckner's 1986 World Series debacle should officially be on notice. Maybe they should stick to walking in those self-important shoes they're selling before someone sets that beast on fire. 

#Oakland #ShittyParking #annoying #hashtag #for #every #damn #word

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

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Keep 'em on their toes, Tony.  Every now and then, as an NBA player, you have to act like the MonSTARS stole your basketball ability.  Let people think you're super wack and have too little tricep strength to hoist that 7 pound ball to the basket.  Once you lull them to sleep, flip the switch and act like you know how to play again.  That's basketball 101, folks.

Strategy.  Popovich is the puppeteer and we're just the audience.

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For those that don't have internet access or a television, Atlanta is a warzone right now.  Two, maybe three inches of snow fell and the one plow/sand truck that the city had was completely overwhelmed.  Some good happened, but mostly a lot of inexplicably bad stuff happened.

The Good:

You can't drop almost one quarter of a foot of snow on Atlanta and not expect someone to make a snow Jordan logo:

A baby was somehow born in a car on the side of the road.  They named her Grace because she was born in a car on the side of the road.

The Bad, But Not Really That Bad Because It'd Be Kinda Cool:

People slept in a CVS.  I think I'm the only person that would find this pretty sweet.  Sure, getting stuck in a mall would be awesome, but we're not kids anymore.  Can't just chill in a KB Toys and call it a day.  We have to be practical.  Have to come to grips with the fact that all I need in this world is Gatorade and contact solution at this point.  
I see you, sleeping on Maxi Pads.
The Bad:

Giant sleepover in the school sounded like a great idea until it actually happened.  Not the best night to try to hold little Susie's hand.

Mayor Kasim Reed is is going with the classic "wear a leather jacket to distract and deflect any possible criticisms that people may have with me and how I handled this situation" approach.

The Ether:

Al Roker hates weather information ineptitude.  Literally the only thing that bothers this jovial bastard.  Well, Atlanta, you done fucked up now.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

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Well, shit.  I don't know what to say other than that we've been hoodwinked.  Froot Loops were a lie.  Years 5-13 of your life might as well not exist at this point.  Hell, I even PICKED OUT the yellow ones because I'm not about that lemon life.  I can't even look at myself in the mirror today.

And you...
The ring leader behind it all.  We looked past the fact that you could talk.  We even ignored that fact that you ran a highly successful cereal conglomerate even though you're a bird.  But when you start fucking with the psychological process, that's when you make enemies.  I'm boycotting Froot Loops*.

*Until I go to the grocery store and buy a new box.  But I won't be happy about it!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

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Amazing.  Michelle Obama should run for 2016 Presidential office based solely on this gif.  Obviously we all wish Bron put that hoop behind Dwyane's head, but that wouldn't have flown well.  Wade would have needed a wheelchair and the FLOTUS would have been fined 100k by David Stern.

That doesn't discount the fact that she had it all, though.  The swagger, the posturing, and the uncomfortable stare down of the camera.  I'm shocked we're still talking about Richard Sherman when the First Lady just dunked on all of our collective faces and made fun of all of our existences.  

If this doesn't inspire you to eat an apple and jog in place for her "stop being fat" campaign, I don't know what will.

Monday, January 20, 2014

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From an engine-not-turned-on perspective, this plane is pretty cool.  Like, it does ACTUALLY look like a beluga whale.  But this begs the question: Was anyone asking for a beluga whale shaped plane?

If this plane could talk, I bet it would beg someone to kill it immediately.  It's like the Little Engine That Could except that it's a large beluga whale plane that most likely couldn't.  And by "couldn't", I mean this plane probably couldn't get in the air/stay in the air/protect people/not crash.  

Hey Beluga Plane, do you.  The fact that you were made is a gross miscalculation on the part of a lot of people, but that's not your fault.  You didn't ask for this, so ride it out until the inevitable inability to take off occurs, they break you down for parts and take an expensive L on the project.

Friday, January 17, 2014

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Do you like your days?  Well that sucks, because they are about to stop happening.  Hellfire and brimstone are literally going to be the only things hot in the streets after this.On the other side, we are days away from honoring the memory and impact of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  So I guess we've "made it", huh?  

You ever try to cook something and have it come out of the oven not quite how you expected it to come out?  That's basically what happened to Dr. King's dream.  It cooked, was edible and people ate it, but it didn't quite look like how it did on the box.

Since, ya know, we are appropriately honoring his memory:

Thursday, January 16, 2014

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Not going to delve into politics, though.  I'm far too dumb/don't care enough to discuss that.  What I can dive into are my Top 5 favorite emojis complete with their appropriate names.  (Full disclosure, I only use one emoji and it's ranked #1)

5) "Cool Story"
Easily the most disrespectful emoji in the game right now.  If someone sends you a funny story or a story that they think is funny and you hit them with this, your friendship might be over.  You have their mind doing somersaults.  They don't know if they were funny, if you were being a dick, or both.  Dangerous, but amazing at the same time.

4) "Brews4Bros"

Those yellow polygons mean that shit's about to go down.  In actuality, I've never seen beer glasses that look like this, with the beer pouring down the side, but somehow not getting all over your hands.  This emoji means you're going to go out, have like 3 beers, say you're getting tired, grab a burger and go home before midnight.

3) "I just saw some shit"

This could apply to the following: someone said something outrageous, boobs, witness to a death.  Whenever you send these out, the other person has your undivided attention because something serious went down.  Can't send this out for your typical zany comment.  Shit has to be racist.  And the boobs can't just be any boobs.  Sofia Vergara.  Lastly, only confirmed homicides - not taking any natural causes bullshit.

2) "The Creeper" also "Mexican"

This can be used in a multitude of ways.  I can imagine using it here and there just to keep people honest and on their toes.  Like, "Hey, why did Dub just send me this emoji? He must be up to something."  It can also be used when you discussing creepy stuff.  If the other person is your friend, they'll know exactly what's up.  Also, this can be used to straight up describe a Mexican man.

NOTE: There are no "Black People" emojis so we have been relegated to this: 
I'll bet a thousand dollars that this dude has never been confused for a "Tyrell", Apple.  

1) "Smiling Poop" 

Without further ado, I present the only emoji I ever use.  The poo emoji has taken the world by storm.  The regular smiley has been locked in a basement and forced to cook meth like Jesse Pinkman.  It's arguable that the poo emoji means you're the happiest you can possibly be.  I mean, the thing is literally a piece of shit, but he's not letting that slow his game.  Stinky exuberance trumps everything.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

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Exhibit A:

Ever accidentally walk into a girl's bathroom?  It's arguably the worst thing that can ever happen to a man.  You instantly go through the 3 stages of "Aw Shit": 1) Where am I?  2) I'm going to get arrested  3) Run.  

It's like clockwork.  Last time I did it, it took me awhile to figure out.  I knew things weren't right when the first thing that I saw was a fucking couch. Staggering information.  You guys have couches.  The gender divide starts and ends there, but that's besides the point.  The moment you recognize that there aren't any urinals and that it smells not awful is panic time.  Abort any plans you had to use the bathroom and take off towards the door since there is a more than solid chance you can actually be arrested.

Exhibit B:

One of the great dickhead moves of our generation.  This is the definition of slightly inconveniencing someone.  What was once a simple poop has turned into an intricate puzzle game involving holes and cylinders.  This is not how you want to spend your time on the toilet.  There is too much Candy Crush/texting/tweeting/Instagraming/Facebooking/reading/napping to be done.

Only a true maniac would attack a person when they are, quite literally, in their most vulnerable position.  If the movie "Saw" was real life and scaled back A LOT, I can imagine my first "challenge" heavily involving pooping under duress.

For the record, Exhibit A wins.  That's 5-10 and a blip on

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

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I liked the Wizard of Oz when I was a kid.  Does that mean that I was kinda homosexual when I was little?

Let's break down each classification, shall we?

High Intelligence:

Thunderstorms -  I hate them.  So scary and loud.

The Colbert Report - Does it count if I occasionally watch clips of it if (and only if) at least 10 people post the link on my Facebook/Twitter newsfeed?

Science - 

Curly Fries - Yes, yes, a million times, yes.

CONCLUSION - I'm half highly intelligent.

Low Intelligence: 

Sephora - That place is scarier than thunderstorms.

I love being a Mom - This doesn't even make sense.  If you're a mom, I'd hope you love being a mother.  Sucks for women.

Harley Davidson - Motorcycles are stupid.  Valid.

Lady Antebellum - They had that one jam, but you are a certifiable fool if you legally downloaded and purchased any of their music.

CONCLUSION: Phew, not dumb.


No H8 Campaign - Not positive what this is, but I can get behind that message.

Mac Cosmetics - Again not positive.  I hate the idea of make-up, though.

Wicked The Musical - Never saw it, but you know my (apparently gay) thoughts about The Wizard of Oz.

CONCLUSION: Not homosexual.


Wu Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M is legendary, but I was never a huge fan.  Don't get me wrong, I liked what I heard, but never wanted to hear that much.

Shaq - Mixed reviews on Shaq.  Can't understand a fucking thing he says, but he was a dominant force in my favorite sport.  

Being Confused After Waking Up From Naps - Ding ding ding!  If this means that I like the opposite sex then ladies watch out.  You'll never find a more disoriented/disgruntled living being post-nap than this guy.

CONCLUSION: Very heterosexual.

FINAL VERDICT: This thing nailed it.  I show signs of high intelligence, but I'm not that smart.  Fortunately, I'm also not dumb.  I like girls, but can get down with what homosexuals are interested in from a theater standpoint.  The make or break was the Nap Confusion predictor.  
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Because it's such a fucking loser and every time you fail the bar exam or blow off your child's birthday party to snort lines in a grocery store parking lot with your coworker, you're still doing better than this shit-ass cleanser. Say Yes to Carrots Exfoliating Facial Cleanser is an insult to cruelty-free cleansers everywhere. Washing your face with goat urine is likely more effective. If this slime doesn't even rinse off, how dare it identify as an exfoliant? Someone's got some explaining to do. I blame a scientist who went on break and forgot to tell her lab assistant (why can't the scientist be a woman?) to add .15 ml of [something that does anything at all - I'm clearly not a scientist].

In case you were wondering, I've been busy for the last month or so, surviving adult chicken pox and trying to wash off this Everlasting Gobstopper of cleansers. Furious tears streamed from my burning eyes as I rewashed my face with battery acid in a fit of rage, or, technically, Dr. Bronner's mild baby soap.

Just Say NO to Say Yes to Carrots.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

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Now I'm not saying pre-braids Stevie wasn't blind, but he was definitely more "aware" of his senses.  You don't just dodge the greatest boxer of all-time's uppercut like that and land a clean shot on the chin without knowing what's up.

Hey Stevie, you better not be lying to us.  The picture better have taken 2.5 hours and a pulley-string system to make happen.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

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It's not the most important news nor is it the most surprising, but I think it's pretty cool anyway. I mean it was only a matter of time before the OG of stoner comedy made his way to Colorado. Hell, anyone who can make a career out of getting outrageously high is doing something right. So light one up, everyone, this one's for Cheech and Chong.

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Jameis Winston just concluded arguably the greatest college football season of all time. As a redshirt freshman, Winston won the Heisman trophy, led the Florida State Seminoles to an undefeated season, and won the National Championship after throwing a touchdown on the game winning drive. Unfortunately, that didn't stop people from attacking his post-game speech.

Let's call a spade a spade, racism had a strong 2013. It was everywhere. No matter what channel you turned on, the subject of race in America was being discussed. Why not ring in 2014 the same way by dividing groups of people based on a one minute speech by an impossibly excited 20 year old?

We can all sit on our couches and harp on proper diction with a beer in our hand, but walk in Jameis' shoes for a second. Interview a lottery winner thirty seconds after they realized they hit the jackpot. Hell, speak to someone that just Plinko'd their way into a Subaru on The Price is Right ten seconds after they won and listen to their speech. Do you honestly think their articulation is going to be on point? It's low-hanging fruit for the "You mad?" crowd to snatch and it is wildly unfair to a young man that has already had a rough year off of the field.

As for Jameis, the dude is country. He sounds like anyone you meet that lives below the Mason-Dixon line. Despite what the Twitter grammar police think, dialect does not equal intelligence. It is a social construct that you pick up if you are constantly surrounded by it. The Dee Dee McCarrons and Katherine Webbs of the world will always exist, but it is necessary to understand the ignorance rather than sweep it under the rug. Jameis could have easily let this slide, but it is encouraging that he responded and quelled the fire, especially after the year that he has had.

All in all, he is a champion and that is all that matters.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

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Confidence.  That's all I see here.  I'm familiar with the phrase "playing possum" and the Florida State fans that walked into oncoming traffic via message board were playing some serious possum.

You can't knock the varying degrees in which these fans crumbled either.  They went through the five stages of grief right before our eyes.  

1) Denial:  "The fix is in", "the refs aren't calling anything"

2) Anger:  "wtf.....joyner sux"

3) Bargaining: "Cheering for a FG try"

4) Depression: "Jimbo contract = BIG mistake", "I'm signing off.  See you after th."

5) Acceptance: "its over fellas"

That's how magic happens, folks.  Imagine a little girl wishing upon a star for a new doll house except replace that thought with grown ass men groveling all over their computer keyboards.  Sometimes a divine force sees your pathetic whining, poor grammar and lack of confidence in your undefeated football teams and tosses you a break.  

Like players suddenly getting "cramps" during important kickoff coverages:

Or not being tall enough on the most important play after playing near perfect defense all game:

I know veiled confidence when I see it, and you, Florida State fans, had it in spades last night.  In related news, I'm legitimately worried about the "I'm signing off.  See you after th." guy.  Does anyone know him?  Can you verify that people "saw" him living after the game?  Thanks.

Monday, January 6, 2014

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You ever have that moment with a friend, family member or loved one when something significant happens and changes your relationship forever?  You still love the person, but things are just...different.  Well, that's what happened when I clicked this link and a fucking screaming goat popped up in the middle of Beyonce's chorus.  The relationship I have with "Drunk In Love" is never going to be the same.  

I'm still going to listen it when I wake up/go to sleep/before I have to make important decisions, but the relationship has officially evolved into something else.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

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Hey Pants, get off my back, man.  Yeah, I had a couple of beers last night, that's no reason to give me that look.  That skeptical "I don't know what you're doing" look that makes you automatically feel like an asshole. 

If you can't trust pants, who can you trust anymore?  Family?  Friends?  Pfft.  Everything begins and ends with what my pants think about my choices and if that bond is broken, the world is officially flipped on it's head.

Friday, January 3, 2014

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h/t HuffPost

Hate it when this happens. You're working your Facebook game with some girl, throwing out the usual "I'm a great athlete" and "Yeah I totally just got back from the gym" lines. You know, completely normal stuff. You're thinking you might even get your sext on in the near future.

Then out of nowhere she unfriends you and that's no good. Can't take it lying down. Shit's like The Wire, you gotta come back on her, right? So you drag a boiling pot of water down the street and pour it on this chick's face. Gotta establish dominance. Now the cops are looking for you like you're some sort of bad guy? Bullshit. Let he who hasn't poured boiling water on a 15 year old girl's face over an online dispute cast the first stone, that's what I always say.