Wednesday, July 31, 2013

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I've never been to Oklahoma, but I've met people who are from Oklahoma. I'd argue that about 84 percent of the white people down there are racist to some level (except for Jim Ross, God bless Jim Ross).

I've been to Florida a few times. It's not that racist, but it's the weirdest fucking state ever. They just let a latino man get away with killing a black kid who beat him up. Shit, just look at @_FloridaMan if you're on the Twitter machine. Last update: Florida Man Taken To Police Station For Driving Without A License, Urinates On X-Ray Machine, Detention Officer. It's weird. Really weird.

I've been to Philly a few times, too. I also go to Penn State and am surrounded by Philly people. Philly is terrifying. The people are assholes (Brotherly Love isn't real in Philadelphia), they whip out the phrase "I'm from Philly!" every chance they get like it's an 11 inch dick and they can be horribly, horribly racist.

Mix that all together, and you get the above video of Oklahoma native Riley Cooper, who played college football at the University of Florida and plays for the Philadelphia Eagles, saying he'd fight "every *REDACTED BECAUSE I'M WHITE* here" at a Kenny Chesney concert. Apparently, black people listen to Kenny Chesney. Which is unfortunate. Kenny Chesney sucks.
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Just a silly mashup of Denzel Washington guaranteeing shit in different movies. I feel like some of those guarantees fall short. I don't think I can trust all of his guarantees.

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That shit clearly says "Cnh."  Two of the letters are lower-case and only ONE of those letters is an initial in James Harden's name. Absolutely shocking that he said, "yeah, we'll go with this one" on millions of these basketballs getting shipped out.  To add insult to injury, he couldn't even sign it with a black marker.  He had to go with the very specific, very disrespectful Sisqo hair color.  Plain and simple, there are a lot of factors coming into play that make you not want to play basketball anymore.

And obviously you never want to make your rain-making hand tired:

Don't know how things like this fly.  I get signature anxiety every single time I sign something.  With each passing check or receipt, my signature becomes more assholish.  Maybe James and I aren't so different.

McGriddles.  #TurnDownForWhat

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

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Just kidding.  That's a flamingo going through a very real panic attack because it's probably trapped against its will and not out doing flamingo things.  Shitting his pants for 30 straight seconds.  We've all been here before.  Ever pop into a room and immediately knew something was wrong?  Well basically this flamingo with less RPMs.

PS. What's good with "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by the way?  The internet tells me that cotton-eyed means either: lovesick, an STD or bug-eyed.  For such a cheery song, we all forget that Joe has to deal with an eerie combo of being an unfortunate-faced creeper riddled with a series of STDs.

Monday, July 29, 2013

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(Haven't done a Friends Ask Dub segment in ages because I forgot that I even did them.  Function of getting old I guess.  Oh well, they are back until I forget again)

As a man, one of the worst things in the world is being expected to do "guy" things.  I BARELY know how to use a screwdriver so if something breaks, we have to buy a new something. You can also get the fuck out of here if you think I'm facing off against a rodent or insect - if they make it inside the house, they won and we have to move.  I've been in zero fights, so I probably can't defend anybody.  Overall I'm a C+ dude.  Take away WMD and my diminishing athleticism and I devolve into a high-maintenance 12 year old girl.

To answer the question: Yes, it's the worst.  What could she possibly think is going to happen?  You're going to wake up spry just aching to defend your home?  Nope.  You're going to struggle to get up, you won't be able to open your right eye, and you may cramp up in your calf muscle.  You also have no idea where the bat is.  Quite literally the easiest target for a robber or murderer.  Like, "Hey honey, I'll gladly get hacked up so you can hear my screams, scramble around the bedroom, hide in the closet and get hacked up yourself."  Overall a tremendous time waste.  Just lay there and scream at Siri to do something.  She won't but you can at least feel like you tried to do something.
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Yeah, that's an orange peel.  Pure opulence in the rawest of forms.  

I went out to DC this weekend for an engagement party and obviously felt like I had to step my game up in all facets of life.  Sure, maybe the result of me "stepping my game up" resembled getting too drunk, twerking to "Baby Got Back" in front of the parents of the future bride and groom, and eating 2 pounds of chili, but the silver lining might be my impeccable brunch drink order.  Every dude was trying to be a hero and suffer through a Bloody Mary even though exactly zero of them liked it.  Being the forward-thinking, societal trailblazer that I am, I ordered the brightest, flimsiest looking drink on the menu solely because the word "pomegranate" was used.  Fuck if I know what a pomegranate looks like or even if it's a fruit or a vegetable, but I'm going to order it every time it's associated with a cocktail.

Moral of the story: you're out of your mind if you think the Crimson Fizz is a chick drink.  It's 2013.  There is no such thing as "chick" or "guy" anything.  Have you seen sunglasses, v-neck shirts, capris, and tank tops lately?  Androgynous is in.  I'm just trying to get you all hip to things before you're the lame standing in the corner drinking a Bud heavy because you don't know how to live your life.
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In what I hope becomes a regular feature here on WMD, I’m taking a quick look at a few things that have been on my mind this past week.

Without further ado here are Smeesh’s Monday Musings, your Monday morning time-killer, good/bad/ugly style:

The Good – Everyone’s favorite part-rapper-part-singer-all-weed-enthusiast Kid Cudi has announced “The Cud Life Tour 2013” featuring Big Sean, Tyler the Creator, and Logic. The Fucking Walking Paradox is a favorite of mine and I’m interested to see how much of Odd Future he brings with him. I've never heard much from Logic, but anyone who can seamlessly incorporate 6 Batman characters into 4 lines (as he did on his verse in C Dot Castro’s “World Wide”) is good in my book.

The Bad – You’ve probably heard it by now, but we haven’t covered it. Dennis Farina died last week at the age of 69. I've always felt like he was one of those great actors who never quite sprung to mind when thinking about “top 10 actors” lists or any of that noise. Underrated for sure. Anyway, it’s sad to see him go. Ray Barboni will always be one of the best characters in cinematic history.

The Ugly – I’m always going to be proud of my Philadelphia fandom.  But it’s hard to get excited about a team that not only starts Delmon Young regularly, but used him as a cleanup hitter more than once over the past week. The Phils have now dropped 8 in a row and will almost certainly go into seller mode, jettisoning their valuable pieces (i.e. Chase Utley and Cliff Lee) for promising prospects. As a eulogy of sorts, here’s .gif of Young, Delmon plying his trade in right field. I think it may just encapsulate the 2013 Phillies season perfectly.

Maybe toss a follow my way? @SmeeshWMD

Saturday, July 27, 2013

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Happy Saturday, y'all. I'm dog sitting for a friend, so ain't nothing goin' on but the internet. I saw this robot video that my lazy, dumbass brain read as "T-Rex Robot" and I thought, "fucking YES!" Robots are the shit, and the Tyrannosaurus rex is the lord of badass dinosaurs, if The Land Before Time taught us nothing else besides tree stars. Incidentally, I watched 11/12 of that movie's sequels one summer, so I'm kind of an expert.

As it happens, it's RHex the Robot. And, my razor tooth dreams are shredded. This is still pretty rad, if you think about physics and whatnot, and what it could mean for the future of vehicular movement. But I'm still a little disappointed. Now I'd like to share that disappointment.

Friday, July 26, 2013

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Smeesh. Yup, Smeesh.

I believe I was put on this world to talk sports, make dick jokes, and post cat videos. And I thoroughly plan on living up to my destiny.  On second thought, that might just be something I thought of when I was drunk.

Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway.

I’m the new guy over here at WMD. Dub was nice enough to offer me a chance to be his free labor (wait, what?) and I took it. God knows why. I’m from Philadelphia so I think I can offer a new perspective. I’m crude, antisocial, have the career prospects of a young Mork Encino, and I've been told I have very effeminate features (sup ladies).

So if you see me here at WMD, don’t be scared. Come up and say hi. Pat me on the head. I won’t bite. Well, okay if it’s Monday I might bite, but is that not understandable? Nonetheless, any other day of the week come and chat. Maybe we can share a quick bite at Arbys, The Rainforest Cafe, Gary Busey's house Captain D’s.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

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George. It's George.

You can go back to your own life now and enjoy the sweet breeze of closure for something you probably gave no shits about in the first place.

I wish it was named after the most important George of all.
George Costanza

But in reality it was probably a George like this. This is King George VI, known as "The Reluctant King." There's a Reluctant Baby joke in there somewhere.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

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Shawn Carter.  Rap Superstar.  Mogul.  Sports Agent.  Impossible To Identify

Why you ask?  Well, someone drew this fucking picture of him and thought they did a great job.

Just Young Hov looking like he has an extra two brains.  This super-smart, "Mars Attacks" version of Jay surpassed "Ether" as the most insulting thing that has ever happened in his career.  

Hopefully white people can apprecia....wait...

Looks like another mildly-racist case of "all black guys look alike" struck down at a local Gold's Gym.  Glad this guy just went with it.  Reminds me of any time that I leave the country and I automatically become 50 Cent, Kobe Bryant and Denzel Washington.  Lets you escape for a second.  Who knows.  This guy could very easily be a regular accountant who gets no satisfaction in every day life.  Sometimes you need to have people legitimately think that you are married to Beyonce to let you sleep at night.

Like I heard you went to Gold's Gym, nah, Hov did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.

Monday, July 22, 2013

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Now I'm not going to say grabbing the raccoon and hucking it down the stairs was necessarily my option A, but I respect the hell out of the move.  Bet the raccoon didn't see this one coming.  One second you're gnawing on a poodle's face and the next you are somersaulting down what appears to be an endless cavern.  Not the greatest turn of events.  

Couple of things to address:

- The dog is named "Toaster."  Awesome name.  Love naming animals (and my future kids) after random inanimate objects.  100% naming my first dog "Toilet."  We'll let the chips fall where they may after that.

- Toaster got his ass kicked.  No other way to put it.  Bro couldn't even stand his ground for a millisecond before he was getting waffle-stomped all over the pavement.  A real evaluation moment for a dog and owner after this incident.

PS. At least an 86% chance this video is fake.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

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Exhibit A:

Incredible. Everyone nailed their role while dealing with a lot of moving parts. Felt like I was watching Mouse Trap or something. And he broke the hoop. Tough act to follow.


Exhibit B:

The pass off the curb and the dunk were the best of the two. No disputing that. That kid can probably dunk off a 10 foot regulation hoop, but was just showing off on an 8-footer. That said, the creativity wasn't there. Just an outlet pass, some taps off the backboard and a lackluster oop from behind the hoop. Again, the dunk was fantastic.

Verdict: Exhibit A wins. Classic white kids v. black kids, pool v. pavement story. All that matters with these kids is the love of the game and nailing the video recording on their smart phones. Sports uniting people as usual.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

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I could go on about road rage, and brake checking, but I won't:

Almost better than that video is this one, which was second on the list of Youtube's suggestions:

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You know what?  I'm not even mad at this picture.  The internet brings us so much good that we just have to roll with the punches when shit like this happens.  Yeah, maybe the sun, the sky, the grassy knolls, the tree, the leaves, and the apples are all composed out of Snoop Dogg's face, but what did you expect? You can only get so much good out of the internet before it reminds you of exactly what it is - a cesspool of information, puppy videos, pornography and pictures made entirely of Snoop Dogg.  I'm not surprised and you shouldn't be either.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

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Welcome, to the first annual Working Man’s Diary Racial Draft. Stealing the concept from Chappelle’s Show (duh), Dub and I are each making a pick for each race, then providing brief and slightly offensive commentary. The draft order stays the same (Black Delegation, Jewish Delegation, Latino Delegation, White Delegation, Asian Delegation). No trades, which sadly means the epic Colin Powell/Condi Rice/Eminem for OJ trade can’t happen. Don’t think I’m missing anything. We’re going 5 rounds. Here’s Round 1:

Black Delegation, Round 1, Pick 1:

Flip selects Tiger Woods --
He’s still the highest paid athlete in the world and one of the most famous. No need to get cute with anyone else.

Dub selects Justin Timberlake --
Big time oversight from Flip there picking Tiger Vonn with JT on the draft board. FutureSex Lovesounds was the blackest R&B album to come out in the last decade. And he’s on tour with Hov. Franchise player.

Jewish Delegation, Round 1, Pick 2:

Flip selects Jerry Seinfeld --
Did you see how much cash he brings in yearly? The most famous Jewish person in the world, no reason to let the White Delegation snatch him up.

Dub selects Amare Stoudemire --
Perfect pick for the Jews. Old man Stoudemire is a) Jewish b) 3rd highest paid player in the league c) can be the greatest Jewish basketball player of all time. Maccabi Tel Aviv B.C. just got a lot better.

Latino Delegation, Round 1, Pick 3:

Flip selects Selena Gomez --
Maybe the easiest pick of the 1st round. Young, attractive, can sing, dance, designs clothes, does a ton of charity work. A slam-dunk pick.

Dub selects Louis CK --
Bet you guys didn’t know Louis CK is fucking Mexican. Steal of the draft! The whites did NOT see this one coming.

White Delegation, Round 1, Pick 4:

Flip selects Barack Obama --
Mostly a troll move by white people who refuse to accept that Obama is black. But still, this means we’ve never had a black president other than Bill Clinton. YOUR MOVE, CORY BOOKER.

Dub selects Olivia Munn --
The whites were backed into a corner here and could not afford to lose one of their hottest ambiguous girls to the Asian delegation. More of a value pick than a need, but it had to happen.

Asian Delegation, Round 1, Pick 5:

Flip selects the Wu-Tang Clan --
Still a great pick. They would receive approximately 182 people, since everyone is in the Wu-Tang Clan. Plus this makes 36 Chambers the best piece of Asian music since the Qin dynasty.

Dub selects Tracy McGrady --
It had to happen. Tracy has been Chinese for the past 8 years and no one talked about it. Him and Yao BBQ regularly on Sundays. Yeah, that’s probably not true, but you don’t trust yourself enough to challenge me on that.

Monday, July 15, 2013

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Just when Monday thinks it has us all down, a fluffy puppy going HAM on some watermelon comes through and lets us know that we've won this round.  So much fur, so little practicality.  At 10:40 am, it's safe to say we are off to a good start this week.

Friday, July 12, 2013

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Tried to write for Barstool Sports: Philly in a paid blogging role, saw that Round 1 was best of 3, won Match 1, lost Match 2 at the buzzer (large conspiracy theory on this one), and will probably lose Match 3, found out that the paid blogging role is now unpaid, got friended by my competitor on Facebook because the Internet, liked the kid, and will probably add him to the WMD team if he doesn't win.

Ok, with that said, I'm back.  Sorry for the disappearing act.  

Let's get back to weird stuff like this unfortunate duck picture: 

The fact that one survived is actually pretty impressive.  Who knows, maybe those ducks will meet a wily, old rat-sensei named Splinter and start fighting crime.  TMND.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

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(I'm excited, there's no way this isn't the shittiest piece of shit ever and it's going to be AWESOME)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

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Yeah, this photo looks like it was taken by someone with a Nokia from 2002 while he may have been having a seizure, but it made my blood run cold just the same. It's like she sees me. If she does, she's saying, "Stop being such a fucking loser with your celebrity gossip sites and maybe finish reading your 12 unfinished books already. Keep eating your Trader Joe's knock-off version of Honey Nut Cheerios."

Monday, July 8, 2013

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Probably the calmest black dudes in the 1960s right here.  Not a care in the world.  I mean, neither of them are even looking for the KKK out of their peripherals.  Their main concern was apparently to not-so-subtly show their nuts and rock the blandest headbands available.

Ain't mad at 'em one bit.  Can't make hits and fight for equality 24 hours a day.
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* They keep laying eggs
* They're loud
* They're messy
* They're expensive to maintain

By gosh, chickens are still laying eggs?!  Fucking preposterous.  

Hipsters up to their old tricks again, I see.  Always trying to one-up each other in the "uniqueness" category.  It's all good up until you get smacked in the face with the unique quality of owning and tending to a god damn chicken.  Probably cool for the first 4 hours, but once you realize there's no one around to tell that you own a chicken, unique is probably not too fun.  Chickens can literally give two shits about your impractical wooden bicycle, your herb garden or your $150 tattered jeans.  They just want to squawk, pop out some eggs, defecate and eventually die.  That's it.  It's your responsibility to make that a smooth process for them.

PS. Scrap everything I said.  This tetrahedron super-playground looks fun as hell.  They're getting treated so well.

Friday, July 5, 2013

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If you missed Part 1 of the most important thing I've ever written, here's the link. Not gonna waste any time getting into Part 2. There will be hyperbole. Let's go.

10) Mad Real World - This skit mixes Tron and a Charlie Murphy character. Somehow, I didn't mention Charlie in the first post, but I have a general rule: Charlie Murphy makes things 500 percent better than they actually are. His character in this, who is #1 on the list of "People You Would NEVER Want To Live With You," may be his best non-Buck Nasty character. He's the best.

9) Fear Factor - Tyrone Biggums goes onto Fear Factor and does a bunch of Tyrone things. He naps in a coffin of worms and bugs with a newspaper. He walks on hot coals and screams, "MY FEET ARE STRONG!" He gets way too excited when he's about to eat elk penis in a light cream testicle sauce. He buys his girl a massive crack rock. Joe Rogan is in it. It's great.

8) Black Bush - Black Bush was funny when it came out. It has my favorite line in Chappelle history ("Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad"), and it features Jamie Foxx AND Mos Def as Black Tony Blair and the Black Head of the CIA. And there's some black dude. It was all funny...and then a black man got elected President, and the thought of him acting like Black Bush (even though there's no way he does) makes this skit 100x funnier.

7) The Racial Draft - A reminder, for those who don't know: The Black Delegation drafted Tiger Woods. The Jews drafted Lenny Kravitz. The Latinos drafted Elián González. Whites drafted Colin Powell, who wasn't white, but the Black Delegation gave him away. And Condi Rice. And they let the whites keep Eminem, as long as they got OJ Simpson. And then, when it couldn't get any crazier...the Asians selected the Wu-Tang Clan. The outtakes are awesome. We're done here.

6) The Niggar Family - It's a white family whose last name is exactly what you think it is. Watch it. Their milkman is Dave and he has WAY too much fun with their last name (there are terribly offensive jokes about pork and paying bills). It's Dave's most brilliant skit, aside from #1 on this list. It was also on the second episode of the show. Dave has balls, man.

5) Rick James - It gave us the most famous line in the show's history ("I'm Rick James, bitch"), but that line also semi-ruined Dave's life. While the skit is great, it's Charlie Murphy's bizarre story telling that makes this so fantastic. And the fact that, you know, based on Charlie's story, this happened.

4) Pixies - Just kidding. This skit made Dave quit the show. It's evil and I hate it.

4) The Player Hater's Ball - The intro. Ice-T. All the insults. The photo flip, where Dave/Silky Johnson says Rosie O'Donnell wears underwear with dick holes in 'em. It has Patrice O'Neal *pours one out*. It's a magnificent work of art. I laugh harder each time I watch it.

3) Wayne Brady - If Wayne Brady was replaced with, say, Charlie Murphy or one of Dave's rapper friends, this skit isn't funny. At all. But Wayne Brady -- who, according to Paul Mooney, makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X -- transforms this skit from "funny" to "life-altering." He has hoes, he gives Dave PCP, he makes someone utter the phrase, "OH SHIT, IT'S WAYNE BRADY, SON!" before Wayne guns him down in cold blood. It makes Wayne Brady look like a hard ass mother fucker, which is the skit's greatest accomplishment.

2) Prince - Again, it features Charlie Murphy. But Dave dresses like Prince. He talks like Prince. He plays basketball. Micki Free is in it. He makes everyone pancakes. Like Rick James, this skit is 100x funnier because it's not a made up story, this (allegedly) actually happened.

1) Clayton Bigsby - This is easily the most absurd premise of any Dave skit, but it's a surprisingly simple one. A character that's a white supremacist, a hero of the KKK...only he's black and doesn't know it. He says the most disgustingly racist things I've ever heard. He takes his hood off at a KKK meeting and a dude's head explodes. He wrote four published books, each one with terrifyingly racist names. He divorces his wife of 19 years for being an n-word lover. It's perfect.

But most of all, it's that this skit balanced social commentary on race and humor perfectly than anything before, during or after the show's run. Dave made it ok to discuss race this way, and he made it hilarious. It is his My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy: a brilliant work that will define him for generations. This was also in the first episode. The last skit in the first episode was Clayton Bigsby. Wrap your mind around that. It's the best debut since Illmatic.

With Clayton Bigsby, Dave burst onto the scene. He took things like political correctness and shit all over them. People have tried to replicate Dave over the years, and all of them failed. There will never be another Dave Chappelle. Now make season four, dammit.
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Did you guys know that we're slowly creeping up on the seven year anniversary of Chappelle's Show going off the air? No, seriously. I can't believe it either. The funniest and most important show in terms of social commentary of my lifetime has been off the air seven years. YOU NOW FEEL OLD.

Luckily for us Chappelle fans, Dave is somewhat making a comeback, in the form of a stand-up tour (hit me up if you're going to the show in Camden). But it's not the same. Nothing can compare to the genius of Chappelle's Show. I'm looking at you, Carlos Mencia.

But one thing I've noticed about WMD: Nobody has ever made a definitive list of the 25 best Chappelle skits. Luckily, I'm the biggest (white) Chappelle fan on the planet. Here are his 25 best skits in reverse order. Much love to his musical guests -- especially Wyclef -- they didn't make the list. 25-11 now, 10-1 later today or tomorrow. (NOTE: this list is entirely subjective, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't adopt my opinions immediately. Also, all the skits are hyperlinked because I love you guys):

25) A Gay World - Just because of this guy. And Don King. And Dave providing analysis between jokes.
24) Samuel Jackson Beer - Dave and his horrible Sam Jackson impression are pure magic.
23) The World Series of Dice - Ashy Larry is my favorite TV character ever. MARCY SON. WHAT?
22) Dave Gets Oprah Pregnant - Dave's drawing of the nude model was the first pair of boobs I ever saw. The drawing. Not the actual model.
21) Tyrone Biggums Crack Intervention - The 5 o'clock Free Crack Give Away and Tyrone's $450,000 crack party are the most wonderful concepts ever.
20) Nelson Mandela's Boot Camp - Like Sam Jackson, Dave's (even worse) Nelson Mandela impression is pure magic. And Mandela smoking weed. That too.
19) The Time Haters - "Hitler mama got one big titty, and one little titty, and they call the bitch Biggie Smalls."
18) Reparations 2003 - This skit gave us two of Dave's most underrated characters: Chuck Taylor and Tron.
17) Making the Band - Dylan, Dylan, DylanDylanDylan. And Dave as P. Diddy asking for the breast milk of a Cambodian immigrant from the Bronx.
16) Jury Duty - Just listen to Dave's analysis of Michael Jackson's penis again. "That piss was digital." And some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.
15) Piss On You - R. Kelly's Doo Doo Butter. dripdripdrip.
14) Law & Order - FIF.
13) Kneehigh Park - A child thinks Dave is Chris Rock and there's a song about herpes. And crabs. And gonorrhea. "I beat my dick like it owes me money."
12) Trading Spouses - "What the fuck is a parsnip?" "Who the fuck is Rene-Zel-Weg-uh?" Amazing.
11) Cribs - Dave has two dinosaur eggs. He cooks one. The other hatches. Dave chops the head off of that dinosaur. Plus his coat, his chandelier, the shoe God. Dave is a genius.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

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So it is deemed - Long John Silver's offers the worst, most unhealthful meal in the U.S.: the Big Catch with Onion Rings. Guess they should throw it back because it's gonna blow your heart's ass up with its 33 grams of trans fat, 19 grams of saturated fat and 3,700 milligrams of sodium.

Warnings aside, don't get me wrong - I dig Long John Silver's sometimes; especially their hush puppies. And I'll eat almost anything at least once, like a bologna sandwich with a chocolate graham cracker slipped in, or one of those Costco Chicken Bakes the morning after I passed out next to it (that did me in for about a day). I'm even debating whether to eat cooked bugs someday when I travel to a land where they're a delicacy. But the intricate labyrinth of my gastrointestinal tract can only handle so much. Something like the Big Catch, for me, is saved for moments of heightened stress or self-hatred. In those instances, make it a double.

Not the Big Catch, but close (it's missing onion rings)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

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Probably the most mislabeled video in Youtube history.  Straight up the opposite of "LOL."  

This video shouldn't have been a video because the right play here is to get the fuck out of there, push your slowest/weakest family member down so the bear gets them, and quickly find a hot air balloon.  Figure out life later, you're a fugitive now.  That's how it was SUPPOSED to go.

Nah, this group just giggled and pointed while a bear stood on it's hind legs and picked the lock to the backseat of their car.  Even if you paid me $1000 dollars for everything I found funny in this video, I would come out with zero dollars.  We can't have this shit, ya'll.  They can run faster than us, smell us from 5 miles away, climb trees, swim incredibly well and they're fucking bears.  No other explanations after that, family.  So push your fat son down, turn on the jets and take happy ass pictures like this:

PS.  I like this one though, he's friendly
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Ho hum, nothing to see here.  All we have is a racist little kid who's probably not even sure why he's racist holding a probably-racist pug.  Standard fare for the internet these days.

Well damn, KKK.  You're really going for something here.  The brain trust must have had to pull a few all-nighters before this was put together.  The ol' "throw some Christmas trees in the background even though it's July" play is mighty clever, I have to admit.  And the pug...THE PUG.  Classy.  Who doesn't like pugs?  Lastly, we have Andrew.  The confusedly racist star of the show.  Kid hates race mixing because it fucks up his frosting.  'Nilla for life, right brah?

I'm downright upset that the "new" KKK is using a VHS camcorder to make Youtube vids out here in 2013.  It's like I can't even make fun of them until their tech game is on point.  Couldn't even afford a seasonally appropriate background.  

I'll let you guys build up some funds, learn how technology (in general) works, and teach that racist-ass kid to stop reading from the paper.  It's unbecoming.  Pug's cool though - he can be as racist as he wants as long as his eyes keep hilariously bulging out of his head.
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Your girl may not make as much money as you, and she's not yet caught up to you in the cheating scoundrel category, but she's more likely to cheat on you than she was 20 years ago. Why? Because she's got less to lose now, due to the fact that she likely has her own job and more independence than decades past, so y'all men better be better and nicer unless you want your sorry asses ditched or cheated on.

Monday, July 1, 2013

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We here at WMD enjoy Canada. So much so that in honor of Canada Day, we're listing all the things we like about our neighbors to the North:

1) They gave us Steve Nash.

2) Maple syrup.

3) G.O.B.

4) I'm not a Rush fan, but they're Krieger's favorite band. So Rush.

5) Jim Carrey and Pamela Anderson, before they went crazy/got weird boob jobs (I'll let you guess which one is which).

6) William Shatner and his rendition of "Rocket Man."

7) People apparently like ice hockey. I don't. But sure. Go hockey.

That's it. Probably forgot some but whatever. Happy Canada Deh. 'Merica.
// //

No idea what to make of this.  Obviously this is the most Kanye thing ever, but on the other hand I think I'm being trolled.  Thoughts and questions:

1) Lolwut?

2) Can someone ever be "have an iconic figure exhumed from the grave just so you can puppeteer their hand into writing a signature" rich?

3) Those signatures look like the same exact handwriting.

4) Shout to 'Ye for still using a desktop computer in 2013.

5) Another shout out to Woz for being so Woz:

PS. If this becomes a trend, I'm pretty amped:
(give Wilt a break, it's tough to have good handwriting when you're all decomposed and stuff)
// //

I'm not scared of black men. I'm scared of ALL men. I've almost punched my boyfriend's ear because he snuck up to my car at night to surprise me, and I thought he was a prowler, mugger and rapist. I'm wired to fear all strange men so I can keep my appendages on and my holes intact. I also want to avoid having to cancel a bunch of credit cards and file police reports, and clean the poop off myself if I make it out alive.

This fictional workout wouldn't fit my particular sensibilities because my defense against potential attackers is vomiting and dry heaving. This guy tried to get fresh with one of my boobs when I'd had too much to drink once, so I threw up on his arm. Sometimes you find a strategy quite by accident.