Wednesday, May 28, 2014

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If you've been living under a rock, you would have missed the startling news that a serial tickler is ravaging Boston College campus.  Now I'm not saying that there is a direct correlation between there being a tickler on my alma mater's campus and the fact that my college reunion is this weekend, but I feel like people are giving me the shifty eyes out here.  I mean look at this chicanery:

Granted, breaking and entering into people's homes solely to tickle them is definitely my M.O., but I wouldn't be dumb enough to get seen.  Come on now, bruh.  You're breaking into homes dressed in Mark Cuban's black people uniform of dark clothes and a hoody and you think you're not scaring people.  Add some pizzazz to this shit.  Dress like a Power Ranger or Count Chocula.  Make it more about what you're dressed as than what you're doing.

I'm just saying, this is what I would do IF I was the Tickler.  Not that I AM the Tickler.  Just pointing out that these two things are a big difference, FBI.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

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There are facts, there are unequivocal truths and then there is this picture.  Shit deserves a Nobel Prize or a Pulitzer or that new award for impressive Twitter photoshops that doesn't exist yet.  Either way, recognition needs to be distributed.  I can't eat these anymore solely because of the catastrophe that occurs as soon as you open one.  As soon as you rip that wrapper open, you have to buy a vacuum cleaner and you're left hungry because you only end up eating roughly 1/1000th of what you expected to eat.

Shout out to Nature's Valley, though.  They've been ripping up people's complaint letters for years and have just kept it moving.  Not a care in the world.

"Scared money don't make money, bitches" - Nature's Valley CEO, probably

Monday, May 26, 2014

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Bet you didn't see this coming?  Fake Omarion reading fucking National Geographic was so preposterous and unexpected that I almost cried the moment I saw it.  And Hood N***** #3 was a spectacular touch.  Like, what became of #1 and #2?  The fact that it's left up to interpretation is absolutely wonderful.

Needless to say, if this was the actual premise of "Full House", this shit would not have made it off the cutting room floor.  The pilot alone would have set black-white relations back roughly 5 decades. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

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You know that girl that you've been in a relationship with for awhile?  Yeah, hide her.  I don't care where.  Just make sure that she has no access to the internet and doesn't hop on to WMD.  Oh, who am I kidding, who can resist WMD?  Your girl is about to be robbed by this swaggerific future gigolo.

The first time that I wore a suit was one of the worst days of my life.  And that is why I have no swag.  This kid is miles ahead of the game right now.  Sure, it'll lead to countless illegitimate children and a couple curable STDs, but hey, what a ride.  Dance on, little man.  Dance on.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

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*The number next to the name represents how many kids have been named that this year*
And just like that, we have set ourselves back roughly 50 years.  Kyndle?! With a fucking "y", man?  This might be the worst thing ever.  You think there is a future for your daughter that doesn't involve spraying glitter lotion on her body and gyrating on a copper pole covered in hepatitis if her name is Charlemagne?  Do you, in your heart of hearts, really believe that your son Jceion will not beg you to take him to a Chief Keef concert?

God damn.  Subaru might be the most frustrating name up there.  Five people actually named their son after the car they drove to the hospital.  That kid is going to be dead or in jail before he gets to middle school.  Xzaiden sounds like a Mortal Kombat character and all but ensures that the kid will never be able to spell his name correctly.  My word, these kids are absolutely screwed.

I absolutely HOPE to read "Teenaged Girl Named Pistol Arrested on Knife-Charges" in 2028.  That will officially mean that we've made it.  And by "it", I mean we all get sucked into an abyss and black people have to start all over again.
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This is what happens when

Gahhhh-leee, man.  In a span of two pictures we just saw a woman age roughly 16 years.  She transformed from innocent-fake 15 year old Charity Johnson to arrested-real 31 year old Frank Henderson in the blink of an eye.  Another example of when a beautiful bird flies too closely to the Sun, I suppose.

More importantly, shit was THAT bad at age 31 that you wanted to go back to high school?  Imagine being in high school at age 31.  There is literally no benefit.  Just about everyone is a better athlete than you, you very well might be dumber than you were at 15 and if you even think about hooking up with someone, you're going to jail for 10 years.  I guess I can't throw stones, though.  26 is not exactly a walk in the park.  I pretty much have a dream/nightmare about being back in college every other night, so I'm not really functioning all that well either.

Who knows, maybe Charity was about that pizza-party-every-other-Friday life or liked being ostracized by the popular girls while she ate her lunch alone in the corner.  We'll never know.  All I do know is that 31 might not be the best age to attempt this, especially when you look like Bonecrusher without the X-Pro filtering.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

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Yeah, I'm attracted to a carrot, so what?  That's where I'm at in life right now.  I call it "evolving", but my attraction preferences aren't the point here.  The issue at hand is the fact that this deformed carrot is stuntin' on you ladies very aggressively right now.  If this isn't a kick in the butt that summer is finally here, I don't know what is.  You don't want to go outside knowing that something from the produce aisle has it put together better than you.  No pants, slut boots, chillin' with no makeup on, that's the way I like my veggies, I hope that you don't take this wrong.

PS - This is likely NSFW, but if this isn't safe I never want to be safe again.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

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But why does THIS cat have to get kicked out of Home Depot?  Huh?!  The streets demand answers, WTOC.  Profiling this black ass cat like he was trying to steal a chainsaw or something.  Newsflash: cats don't have thumbs, ya racist bastards.  

This is some bullshit, especially when you see how white cats are treated inside ACE Hardware:

Dude is passed out in a fucking box for crying out loud. Oh, you wanted to buy the $0.69 item?  Too bad, I'm sleep, buy something else.  

Unbelievable double standards for different color cats in hardware stores.  Downright disturbing even.

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Reef jerky, naturally.

The true irony is that this was a draft I created in February, and forgot about till now. It's because I was eating the jerky and not sharing it. Dub should fire me for that.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

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Greetings, Facebook users. I'm pushing a dusty hand through the dirt of the underground hole I've been living in to tell you how annoying you probably are.

Last night I took a break from hustling about to have a relaxing drink with a friend. When she went to get more drinks, naturally I grabbed my phone because we can't allow ourselves to ever be truly alone in public. When she went to the restroom, I grabbed my phone again.

Here is my Excel graph of how interesting your Facebook posts are in proportion to how much I'm drinking. And I'm a lightweight, so this is a pretty fast graph.

I like your new profile photos, and your baby's 14th "Week 3" photo, your self-righteous "Other 98%" captioned photo, the nasty hotdog from 7-11 you're about to eat that you've somehow deemed necessary to share, and how grateful you are for your grandma's vacation. You'll notice that after three drinks, I'm too drunk to like anything. After four, I would dislike things if possible because it's all enraging. Keep it up. I'm deleting most of you.

Monday, May 5, 2014

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2014 has already proven to be a very weird year.  We straight up lost an airplane, an owner of a team in a predominantly black sport hated black people and pigeons are about to take the rap game over before our eyes.  Truly special times.

Now the question that I have is this: are the Ryde or Die: Vol. 2 pigeons the same pigeons that were having a "secret" meeting inside of a local Arbys a few months back?

Just hob nobbin' away about what label they are going to sign with, when the mixtape is dropping and what Instagram model they're going to coooo at.  You know, rapper stuff.  Either way, like most music, if it bangs it bangs.  I'll crumble up all the Wonder Bread in the world if they drop the album of the summer.