Tuesday, May 6, 2014

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You're Boring When I'm Sober

Greetings, Facebook users. I'm pushing a dusty hand through the dirt of the underground hole I've been living in to tell you how annoying you probably are.

Last night I took a break from hustling about to have a relaxing drink with a friend. When she went to get more drinks, naturally I grabbed my phone because we can't allow ourselves to ever be truly alone in public. When she went to the restroom, I grabbed my phone again.

Here is my Excel graph of how interesting your Facebook posts are in proportion to how much I'm drinking. And I'm a lightweight, so this is a pretty fast graph.

I like your new profile photos, and your baby's 14th "Week 3" photo, your self-righteous "Other 98%" captioned photo, the nasty hotdog from 7-11 you're about to eat that you've somehow deemed necessary to share, and how grateful you are for your grandma's vacation. You'll notice that after three drinks, I'm too drunk to like anything. After four, I would dislike things if possible because it's all enraging. Keep it up. I'm deleting most of you.