Friday, July 29, 2011

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^not the best looking crop..

Do you remember back to your prom season? That was easily one of the most nerve-racking times of my life. Throwing up in my mouth when the girl I wanted to invite said, "Good morning", debating going stag and being a huge loser, and most of all the actual asking process.

Back in 2004 we didn't have any of those fancy Youtubes or Twitters that the kids use today. We had to use grit and determination and an ample amount of whatever cologne we got for Christmas to con girls into going with us. No joke the moment I asked my date to prom, I had a stroke/heart attack/aneurysm at the same time. Just hit the ground slumped against a locker. Obviously threw up in my mouth too. Now I see these marines spending about 3 minutes to get their buddy to videotape a couple jokes and some "I fight for the USA" jazz then next thing you know they're going to Marine Prom with Mila Kunis. Then some overzealous swagger-jacking chick asked Justin Timberlake, who obviously said yes, because the dude just REFUSES to go back into the booth.

Shout out to Scarlett Johannson for straight up declining some herb who thought he could get a piece of the pie. Sorry bro, you work in military IT? Not gonna cut it.
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Wait, this cat lost weight? He's been working out? This is one of those cases where I write the post title without looking at the details. Oh well, what's done is done.

I'm a rare breed. I like cats, but I'm not a girl, lonely, a hoarder, or all of the above. It's tough not being ONE of those things and having a genuine love for them. That's why seeing this cat just brings joy to my heart. These things can get so fat, that they just refuse to move. You have to bring food and water to them or they'll just die. And be cool with it. I'm pretty sure that's baller. My cat's legitimately going on 16 years old which makes no sense at all. Not even trying to get emotional, but homie should have died in like '05. More power to him because he's just getting fatter and fatter and refusing to do more and more. When I go home I just watch him, a) to make sure he's alive and b) to see if I can get a read on what's going on with him. Maybe he's so old he's tired of the grind. Tired of jumping on tall things and being too scared to jump down. Tired of DECIMATING woodland creatures. Most of all he's probably tired of purring up on people to no real reaction. My mom hasn't petted him in easily 7 years. That shit weighs on you.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

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I live off $10 a day, blah, blah. I dumpster dive through dirty diapers to eat moldy half-sandwiches yet it appears I have pretty solid dinnerware collection, blah, blah.

I'm so tired of these pretentious assholes that actually LIVE in expensive NYC apartments, but somehow can't pay for them. You maybe make $10-$50 a day bro? Landlords won't take the whole, "Sorry dude, subway music hasn't panned out this month, can I...not pay this month's rent?" Jigs up, we know you got Dad's accountant on speed dial so you can keep up the charade.

Just can't get a read on hipsters. They're just like 14 steps ahead of me at all times. Rich as fuck, but refuse to acknowledge it? Being a dude, but kind of dressing like a chick? You're look down on everyone, including yourself? Don't get it. Don't want to get it. Can't wait for this kid to get cut off from Daddy.
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Quite the steal if you ask me. You know how much it costs to buy a TGI Friday's? Over $3 million. I was previously drawn to the idea of starting up a Coldstone Creamery for $300,000 but the town is where it's at right now. Sort of like the adult version of Blank Check. With this plot of land the possibilities are endless.

They stated that the current population in Scenic, SD is under 10. The handful of residents there may very well be the most interesting people in the world. Town meetings gotta be efficient that's for sure. Really wanna check out the dance hall and see what that's all about. So I got $500 ready to go. Give me a shout if you want in. Seriously.

Sidenote: Love the reporters Clint Eastwood quip.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

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My man Alex just couldn't get out the blocks today. After an undoubtedly rough day at the Jeopardy podium hating life, all this dude wanted was to order room service and chill out for the night. Next thing you know, a 56 year old white female barges in his room, steals thousands of dollars and a priceless family heirloom. Wait, what?

That's like my Mom rollin' up and robbing people. And beating them in footraces. And subsequently causing them to rupture their achilles while they tried chasing her. All seems pretty outrageous to me. Like I know you're out of your prime Alex, but come on, she shouldn't have beasted you that bad. In the dark, I know I would catch this woman moving at a brisk walking pace. No way any 56 year old chick is blazing the corridors with my Mom's bracelet. She's probably no spring chicken herself if she thinks it's a good idea to rob popular gameshow hosts right in front of their eyes. I bet the "Weakest Link" chick wouldn't have that garbage.

Your Mom's necklace and multiple medical bills that I know CBS ain't picking up? My once renowned respect for you has plummeted on some Great Depression stock market crash shit.
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Should be an awesome trip, huh guys? According to this chart I'm going to consume like 30 gallons of urine and tanning oil as soon as I get off the plane.

Not that this is concerning or anything because I fully planned on having homeostasis shut down by time I'm in the air over Vermont. Daiquiri city on Flight 207 out of Boston. So Vegas, give me your best shot. Gross shots-smashed. Piss/tanning lotion in the pool-ingested. Prostitutes-also smashed.

Whatevs Vegas. I'm just hoping to contribute to this chart by the end of my trip. Looks like I have to discover what this "tanning" thing is so I can apply copious amounts of lotion before the trip.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

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This wacky bitch is getting on my last nerve. 11.05 months of pregnancy and no super-baby to show for it? Bullshit. You haven't produced anything (song or baby) decent in like 14 years. People at the bars are still clingin' to the old days bumping "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and "Always Be My Baby" on bar jukeboxes nationwide. It's embarrassing that we still care about you.

I'm pretty sure Nick Cannon killed himself in 2009 two weeks into his relationship with her and the one we see now is a robot with all the same jackass DNA as the original.
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^my man in that first picture is STRUGGLIN'

I'm not the biggest fan of water to begin with. Any slight unrest and I'm outtie. Call me a chump, but I'm pretty sure hundreds of square miles of algae qualifies as unrest. My problem with the dudes in these pictures is that they jumped in fully knowing they were going to get algae in there nose, between their toes, and where the sun don't shine (read: assholes). Algae just doesn't pop up to terrorize people. I'm no botany expert, but I'll chalk this up as one of those moments where you don't think something will be that bad. "Oh, that's just a little algae, no biggie", I'm sure was uttered a couple times. Now what Quan-Ye (pic 1)?! You're assed out in the middle of the Yellow River inhaling more tree than Wiz Khalifa.

Algae. Just doing what it can to help solve overpopulation.

Monday, July 25, 2011

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The Onion once again presented a very informative piece regarding NFL players looking weird in suits. Haven't read anything this true in quite some time. I don't think I could bare another SportsCenter episode flooded with clips of a disgruntled Jeff Saturday adjusting his suit jacket and commissioner Goodell sweating bullets at the podium between women's soccer recaps and as Dub J previously noted, WNBA highlights.

Not gonna lie I was a little scared at the thought of reverting back to A League Of Their Own. Jesus. But with the NFL back in business comes more Brett Favre updates on the hour. Still committed to 7:00 am Saved By The Bell and Boy Meets World re-runs through September. Thanks ESPN.

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This is one of the hazards of cranking out hilarious blogs everyday. Sometimes you come across things that ruin parts of your soul that you can never erase. You think I'm going to play any Street Fighter again? Anytime I face off against Chun-Li, there will always be faint images of this this disproportional asshole terrorizing me.

In all honesty, I'm a huge nerd. Love video games, weird shows, and all sorts of questionable bullshit. Thing is, I hide behind a huge mask like 97% of the day. You think I played sports because I liked them? Shit was the ultimate burqa to block my nerdswag. It's a fine balance I've lived with my whole life, but it's clear that some people don't know how to deal with these things. That's what Comic-Con is. A bunch of customer service reps and IT gurus, overdoing their greatest fantasies in the one place where it's remotely allowed. Like no one would have knocked this guy if he tried to pull of a Guile or a Ryu get up. Similar to what Will Smith was preaching in "Hitch", just stay home man. Don't try anything tricky or elaborate or super gay. Your goals are clear: avoid ruffling any feathers, oogle at the hot girls paid to be there, collect your gift bag and go home.

Street Fighter has been added to the list on things that Comic-Con has destroyed.
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With the NFL not up to speed and baseball being extremely repetitive and boring, ESPN actually had the balls to show the WNBA All-Star game. Didn't even know such a game existed. In my mind it was basically on the same level of realism as a bunch of unicorns playing volleyball or some shit.

Nonetheless, here it is. The play that defines the league and it's wondrous history is something I can do when I was just rounding the bend of elementary school. Sweet play though.

UPDATE: my buddy did some searching and claims that he has this one beat.

Friday, July 22, 2011

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^I guess we are having above average temperatures today?

What's really good with that? I understand if the pole was hot, it'd hurt and you'd probably fly off. Not die. You're giving up fly. I can't feel bad for you if you're allowing a slight injury to literally kill you. That's like spraining my ankle in basketball and just willing my heart to stop beating.

I'm still trying to figure out whether this fly did this intentionally or not. If it was the latter, I honestly couldn't blame him. I'd be lying to all of you if I said I didn't immediately touch it too to see if it would have the same insta-death effect on me. It's been a rough week, I had to give it a go.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

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There had to be a better option than this right? First off, it's not logistically correct at all. His leg is easily 3x bigger than this wheel. Secondly, it's literally an office chair wheel. I'm sitting in one. I looked down, looked at the picture, and looked down again--100% match. Hopefully he has one of those high-end models that don't go rogue and quadruple in speeds when when you back up 2 feet. If he had one of the wheels off my chair, this poor bastard would be slippin' and trippin' all over the African mainland. Predators will feel too bad to chase him.

Despite the photographer's attempt to make this tortoise look remotely badass, you can't look away from the fact that the homie is making power moves on a daily basis with the wheel of that thing the bellboys use to move delicate luggage. No matter how cool you were before this incident, this plummets your swag score.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

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Wow, didn't mean to rip a page out of some LL Bean catalog, but the question has been posed and I'm here to drop my infinite knowledge all over your faces.

Friends are those assholes that sit with you through an entire episode of MTV's "The Challenge" and debate get rich quick schemes 80% the time you are all talking. If you have them now, you're probably going to have them forever, so get used to whatever's happening. That being said, these friends will probably get some unfortunate broad enamored and "in love" and shit. Sucks for all involved, especially the Facebook aspect.

From the start, you have to assess if it's serious or just a one-six time thing. Seventh time means you're dating regardless of what you think. Society just deems you a couple. It's a delicate practice, because I definitely friended a friend's hook-up/on the sly chick and that was just awkward. Chick felt weird and the dude got mad at me. I was just a Facebook rookie and wanted to creep his girl's pics. Nothing weird about that. Then there is the relationship you see that is going a little too well. The one where both parties are REALLY into each other and you know that shit's going to crash and burn in like 724 days. It's almost not worth sending that request out because you know it's going to be one of those, "since you broke up with I have to de-friend her?" situations. That's always tough because those requests tend to coincide with her posting 300 pics of her and her hot friends from various exotic beaches.

The answer is: no. Don't friend request a friend's girlfriend. Let them request you. The only girls you should be actively friending on Facebook should be potential conquests. Girls eligible for the 3am creep attack personal message. Doing that to ya boy's girl will open up a whole new bag of neon super crawler sour worms.

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Globetrotters mascot Globie tearing it up on the hardwood here. Shit gets better and better as the seconds pass. Sort of want to adopt that shake down move he does early on into my own repertoire at the club. Can't pull the head bounce stunt or take the pain of repeated face plants, but if I could emulate at least one thing from this it's a 100% success.

Just one of those moments when you find yourself in the zone you're there to stay. Ref tries to start the game back up at the end...nice try bro. Globie's got work to do.

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Maybe my contacts are foggy, but this looks nothing like a beard. Not sure if the definition of "beard" changed recently, but I refuse to consult Webster on that.

China, up to it's usual tricks I see. Disguising pedestrians in bee suits so they can do..something sketchy I'm sure. We don't know what you're doing yet, but when a wave of bee covered dudes start terrorizing pedestrians in random Metropolis' throughout the country, don't say WMD didn't warn you. When you control the water and bees, you pretty much have a stranglehold on everything. Need help skippin' a line? Just say you can turn vodka waters into vodka-dragon-design and have a thousand bees ready to get shit started.

Odds the person in the pic is dead? Like 75%?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

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God bless the people who have time to put together this kind of shit.  For those of you who have been lucky enough to catch the HP finale you're aware that Lord V absolutely ripped it up through 90% of the film. I knew the dude had some swag but damn...this just solidifies my ultimate hope for the alternate ending that never was.

It's gotta be wrong for me to be on board with villians 100% these days but I can't help it. Anybody seen the Dark Knight Rises trailer...My man Bane is looking pretty badass.
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I want to be on my couch potato shit so bad my fingers are salty, but there's simply nothing to watch these days. Literally all my shows/movies are donezo. I've been non-alpha-male-ishly emotional these past few weeks with the end of two of my favorite things: the Harry Potter series and Friday Night Lights. If you combined the welling up of the eyes from the two finales, you can probably create a quality tear. Not embarrassing at all because they were fantastic, and I think I'd fight you for real if you said otherwise. Legit, I'd look up where you checked the post from (analytics let me do that), search phone books, and use weird creatively sketchy apps to find you and challenge you to a Street Fighter-esque duel. Probs lose via Tiger uppercut, but you'd see that my passion was there.

Netflix is really effing me in the A with their "Watch Instantly" selection as of late. I've been crushing "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" with fake passion, just trying to reignite that youthful fire. Not working. Do I go with "Weeds"? I feel that ship sailed for me. If I didn't watch it within the last 5 months, it's probably not getting watched. Anything else out there? I know "Breaking Bad" is legit, but I'm not ready to get my computer I blog with riddled with viruses scavenging some Japanese torrent site. Should I splurge and get the Blu-Ray? Honest to God, I never purchased a Blu-Ray. I feel like that's one of my rights of passage to be a man or something.

I know no one will comment because of these extravagantly tricky CAPTCHAS, but if you can hit me up via Twitter, FB fan page, or if you're weird email me at: I'm lost.
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EMBED-Rockstar Parking - Watch more free videos

That's what I call grabbing life by the horns. There are people that obide by social constraints and there are people that flip over the guard rail and horizontally park in a vertical parking spot. I'm the former.

Despite the obvious concussion and internal injury that was suffered, he was still going to the mall to window shop some sneakers, hit up a Yankee Candle for Moms, and regretfully devour an Auntie Anne's pretzel.

Monday, July 18, 2011

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When you got Aquaman up in the rafters making dolphins out of water, you know you're in the driver's seat. No matter how bad the economy is or how many baby girls "end up" in the Yangtze River, things will be alright when you can control water.

I've been spilling cups off the table all night, hoping that just one spill winds up being a Venn Diagram or some shit. Frankly, this is more alarming than any time of nuclear weaponry or bio-warfare thing that can happen. Like, we see your tanks and raise you with water daggers and water lightning bolts--can't win that, won't win that.

Yikes, USA. Yikes.
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^oh wait, like 18 of the 20 people I'm going to Vegas with are in a relationship.

You see how many dudes are in that picture? Thousands. While that's super-weird and not a place that'd I would like to be at all, it's Vegas in a nutshell. An uncomfortable amount of dudes vying for a small, but exceptionally attractive amount of chicks. Throw in gambling, buffets, and the occasional trip to the Bunny ranch, and this shit has male written all over it.

Which brings me to the question: what lunatic would consider involving a girl, their significant other in that? I don't get it. My single friends and I are on a strict mission to either be: drinking, eating, in the pooling, actin' a fool on the dance floor, gambling, or hooking up. You will not see ya boy catching a Celine Dion concert (unless "My Heart Will Go On" is on repeat) or a Cirque de Soleil show. That's for when my soul has been ripped out by mortgages and children. Plenty of time for the "fun" stuff when I'm basically dead inside. For now, I will be a villain to the fullest form. A modern day Shredder or Lord Zedd if you will. I will make it my goal to have so much fun, that all my guys friends want to be me and that all the girlfriends will hate me because I'm discouraging activities.

Couples, I'm sorry, but part of my vacation will be making indirect efforts to make you uncomfortable in your own skin at all times. You may be pissed, but if you sit down and really think about it, it's your fault.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

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Our childhood is over.
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Yup, the only black character in the series straight getting no love these days. I mentioned him in two social media outlets and literally no one bit. Someone (who will remain nameless) straight personal messaged me saying, "Is Dean Thomas a rapper?" It's not Ghettopoly level, but it's pretty suspicious that I name a random dude and people just assume I'm talking about a rapper.

Needless to say, I'm going to be at the midnight showing with fucking bells on. Rocking clear eyes, a full heart, and a can't lose attitude. Kidding, I'm going to be tearing up like I'm in a Dubai sandstorm.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

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Serena Williams really kicked things up a sexual notch at the ESPYs. Sure there were hot women everywhere, but everyone was treading water when it really came down to the nitty gritty. Someone had to take advantage. I've never seen a dress get killed like this one. It's like it got the electric chair, firing squad, lethal injection, and stoned at the same time.

No idea who won Best Female Athlete.
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-So here's a segment I'm going to give a go. Throughout my random chats throughout the day, I come across questions from friends that seem like they'd be a decent blog. And no, they don't know about it. Sorry, I'm a dick.

Question: When you get a girl's number, how long should you wait to text that girl?

Dub's Answer: I don't fucking know dude. I'm pretty sure people call me Nolan Ryan behind my back because of how many times I strike out. When I get a girl's number, it's pretty much how a random bystander would react if they see someone get shot. I kinda just stand there, mumble incoherently, and blackout. When I come to, 4 text messages have already been sent, with the last three being variations of, "WHY HAVEN'T YOU RESPONDED?!!!"

Now if I were a sensible, upstanding male in today's society that didn't open up with "I write a blog" at bars, we could be on to something. If that were the case, I'd probably be very casual--key being: be less drunk than all your friends. Sensible and confident=sexy. As always, it's easier said than done, but I'm just giving you the guidelines. Hopefully after following that path, you acquired a number. And unless you guys really connected (read: made out), don't toss her a text until the next day. Anytime you can avoid smelling of potent desperation, it's a good thing. Also, don't text her right when you wake up (unless she texted you, of course) because you don't know what kind of ring tones chicks have these days. Probably "ET" by Katy Perry on volume 100. That'll ensure a no-response. Wait until early afternoon and for Christ's sake, be chill about it dude.

Again, keep in mind, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
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ALERT: Nerd Post
Dub J: haha how did you get that so quick
Craw: just reading something on the screen and immediately looked down
Dub J: That was timely like a mofo
Craw: Getting sharper
Dub J: Craw. The master of the instant response.

You heard it here. It's time I boasted my real-time talents, taking pride in being the undisputed heavyweight champ in regards to online punctuality. Laugh all you want. I consider it a gift. Whether it's my job allowing too much personal time or sheer insanity, I'll hit you with a social media hammer seconds after you pressed the return key with emphasis.

Facebook-wall-message-waiting is out the window. Don't just sit and walk around for 20 minutes so you can mull up something extra clever. Everybody sees the red flag pop up. Everybody is on Facebook. It's about time we put aside the shame and act like we saw it when we did.

Email threads don't count cause that's just playing with fire. Say something remotely funny and everybody in is dishing out their own two cents. Far too witty to bring my A game. Texting has become my new forte, although I've started to notice a trend in people taking my mastery of the art for granted. "Hey Craw whats goin on tonight" "yo we're just here drinkin some beers come on by"  -No response-

Maybe this all can translate to showing up on time for my real job? Who knows.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

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^Gross dude...just gross.

So the big guy has been doing some soul searching on whether to actually get inked up or not. I've been thinking about this for a good five years or so and still haven't made up my mind. To be quite honest it won't actually happen based on the shit I see walking the streets everyday. In light of my indecision here's a hopefully not so offensive top 5 list on what horrible, generic tattoos to avoid.

5) Chinese Symbols Without Confirmation On Exact Meaning: "Nice tat man what does it mean?" "It means Courage. Sometimes I just need that reminder to be strong when I'm going through some hard times..." Whoops, bet you didn't realize that shit's on backwards and it's literal meaning is Big Mistake. Still good work though. Could've been worse I guess?

4) Live Laugh Love: How many chicks out there have this very tattoo on their foot/wrist/potentially tramp stamped? Roughly just under the amount of posters and picture frames hanging in dorm rooms all across the country. We get it. You're arguably happy. You live well, laugh often, love much, and are original.

3) Sports Team Logos: For those devoted fans who think it's only appropriate to plaster their respective team that they decide to watch in the playoffs on their biceps and worse...calf muscles. Sick bro, I'm thinking about getting Microsoft tattooed across my back. Need I say more?

2) GF/BF name: Yikes: I bet Angelina wished she could take that Billy Bob written in bold back immediately after they split. Well the thing is she did. Celebrities get that whole rich, famous and can afford to do stupid shit kind of pass. We don't. So before you get your high school sweetheart tattooed in Comic Sans on your chest when you turn 18...just know that they'll undoubtedly freak out and the fairy tail is over.

1) Anything While Drunk: Sucks to be the dude who blacked out and got Stupid tattooed on his forehead. Yeah he might be dumb but the whole world doesn't need to know. Even if the right idea is there in the process the artist can't be trusted. He could very well ink up a generic plus sign instead of a cross and invite you back to subtract the other arm. Shit ain't right.

All in all, safe to say I'll just stay clean for a while and re-address the idea later.

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Visit for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

If I have a daughter and I opt out of fleeing the country and abandoning her, this has to be the only option right? It's like I'm killing all necessary birds with one stone here.

-This will prevent ANY boys front wanting her. I remember a kinda cute girl punched me in the arm in 6th grade, and I secretly cried in the bathroom right after it happened. Too emasculated to ever approach her again.

-If she gets a well timed kick to the head, she's probably no use to anyone.

- It'll probably make her a cooler person overall. Way easier to tolerate.

- Like a 75% chance she's a lesbian after it's all said and done.

- She's got my back at the bars when I'm wallowing in self-disgust when I realize I'm still writing this fucking blog at 43 years old and still NO ONE wants to sponsor me.

Kickbox away future Jeezy female offspring.
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If that's not one of the most logistically poor constructions I've ever seen, I don't know what is. Leave it to Japan to build things based solely on their effectiveness against Godzilla.

Why would anyone make the sound decision to attempt such a coaster? I wouldn't even trust this shit on a "Mouse Trap" course where no one's well-being was at stake. But hey, whatever floats your boat Japan. I'm assuming this is apart of the grieving period for the terrible nuclear crisis that inflicted the country, but come on, grieve like normal people. Grab some Jack, some hard medicinals and call it a bender. Don't try to get weird with a concept that Six Flags can't even grasp.

Monday, July 11, 2011

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^Rule of thumb: add "Ja" to the beginning of any name and they instantly become fat. Cheers JaMarcus Russell.

He's going to grow up to be obese, probably crush a ton of fast food, and make a mockery of motor vehicles. Nothing really to see here. I think it took me like 3 years to weigh 16 pounds because I was just pure lean muscle, so this is certainly newsworthy. But it's just as newsworthy as that fat chick that was fused to her chair because she was too humongous to get up for 15 years. Football player? Nope. Basketball Player? Eddy Curry at best. World of Warcraft and Buffalo Chicken Pizzas? Dominated.

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It's simply a matter of time before bitches nationwide decide to trade in their 20/20 organic eyes for these bootleg Terminator eyes. I'm going to wait it out until they're able to read people's vitals and potentially offer X-Ray vision. It's not creepy. It's like getting the Ipad 1 and two months later the Ipad 2 comes out. Kinda.

These eyes are going to change the bar game forever. I currently have 871 tagged Facebook photos with about 864 of them being me shitfaced or in the process of getting shitfaced. After one night in a seedy basement dancefloor full of broads with taggable retinas I have to believe that number is sure to triple. Albums will have like 11,000 drunk-ass pictures because no one can adjust the setting on their fucking eyes and anarchy will ensue. Employers won't hire/will fire you because they can easily reference the night you had downtown due to optical evidence. Shit will be like a flip book showing the process of ordering shots, looking for willing females to drink those shots, slugging 3 of them because no girls came, and throwing up in the back corner. Yeah, I wouldn't hire me either sir.

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People just didn't know how to react to this super-vagrant hanging out in the front area of my building today. I certainly did not. But I made sure to do my due diligence for the blog and made sure to instantly whip out my phone and blatantly take a picture of him. Didn't even pretend I was texting. You don't give a homeless that kind of respect.

Top right of the picture, do you see that pigeon? Never has anything before taken so much undeserved verbal abuse. Needless racial, sexual, gender, and fiery avian attacks all over his unfortunate, feathered ass. Keep in mind, seeing a homeless dude and a pigeon verbally battle it out is fucking surreal. It was like I was in a weird episode of a really weird TV show that was not getting renewed for a second season.

I know this post kind of discredits my place of employment, but when god gives you homeless v. pigeon, you make some god damn lemonade.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

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I think I'm in the market for an animal right now. A puppy would prevent me from spending literally 13 straight hours in my bed, attempting to order food, falling asleep before hitting "confirm purchase", and somehow waking up not hungry. Insane.

I'm just trying to purchase a puppy, douse it with a bucket of water, and let his ass run around a meadow field so he can dominate knolls all day. Inches away from Googling, "How to Buy a Puppy."

Friday, July 8, 2011

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Not just my dad, but everyone born before 1980 reacts like this to seeing any form of modern technology. The progression is: fearful, skeptical, reluctant, fascinated, obsessed--in that order. It's the parental process to technology.

When we got our first microwave in God knows what year, I remember my mom refusing to use it. She would literally spend an unnecessary 25 extra minutes heating up a slice of pizza from the fridge. Ok, Mom, you be irrational and I'll enjoy my slice.

Blogging after work on a Friday is like using an electric razor that ran out of batteries and has only been connected to the charger for like 10 minutes. You're just not going to get a lot of of me.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

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Mind boggling shit right here. Never seen such a different approach in regards to education advertising. It's like I'm watching a BK commercial thinking...hmm that could be cool, maybe I'll get a degree today to go with my $1.79 Double Whopper Jr.

Talk about launching your singing career too. Wonder what kind of gigs this chick landed after her break through TV debut. If I were in her shoes I probably would've just told the Education Connectors to dish out an honorary degree instead of a paycheck. Clearly the cash will just roll in from there right?
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If you asked me, "Dub, how do you feel about this video?" I'd say nope like 14 times and douse myself in garlic sauce and holy water. Not answering the question at all, but completely getting the point across. I don't even know what number this would be on the list of reasons I don't want to have kids, but it's got to be up there. Especially identical twins. You best believe one is getting "mixed up" with another batch of babies in another ward. Or tossed in the trash. I'm all set with one.

Grown up twins freak me out, let alone these simultaneously giggling Damiens. Finishing each other's sentences, knowing when they're in trouble, and looking exactly the same just ain't right. Don't give me that, "oh but, George has a microscopic mole under his left ear" bullshit. Two people should not look exactly the same.

Sidenote, was that Dave Chappelle behind the camera? These kids are in stitches.
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^created by David Chang. Go figure.

How did this slip through the cracks? Was this catching dust in some bottom shelf at a dilapidated Toys R'Us in Arkansas? I'm pretty sure the black dude with gold teeth, a 40 oz. and a machine gun should have thrown up at least a mini-red flag for whatever bootleg Milton Bradley company decided to OK this.

Let's go over the logistics. The standard four railroads have been replaced with LIQUOR STORES, because people in the ghetto obviously use alcohol to transport them to and from work. This guy. I almost choked on a fucking Gummy Bear when I read the game pieces. Take a deep breath. Pieces read: a pimp, a ho, a 40oz, a machine gun, a marijuana leaf, a crack rock, and a motherfucking basketball. A basketball? Really? Somewhere in a humid German discoteca Dirk Nowitzki weeps. Ok, basketball may be the only legit one, but don't tell me the ghetto is littered with machine gun and 40oz wielding pimps and hoes inebriated off of weed and crack-cocaine. That's just not realistic. Not even in Grand Theft Auto.

That being said, Ghettopoly retails for $195.99 and I wouldn't be completely upset if it landed on my doorstep one day. Despite it's blatant racism, I feel like it'd be 100% effective in weirding out everyone within a 10 foot radius of me. Perfect to use on a date "that's just not working out."

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

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Look up everyone. Would you want any of those insufferable assholes in your corner for anything? Like if these guys had the cure to some terrible virus I was suffering from, I'd most certainly die awkwardly in front of them. Which ironically, would make me a hipster I think. That's why I hate these people. Forcing their shit in your face.

Imagine seeing these people every day on your morning commute, just creeping up behind you and sighing continuously with their runner's entitlement. One thing I hate more than I runner that I need to fucking pull over for like an ambulance is a an entitled runner. The one that pulls up behind you and loudly sighs so you know that you existing is impeding their workout. Sorry dude, I forgot you ran Cross Country in HS and had exactly zero fans every race and are expressing your bitterness at me on my way to the fucking T.

Apparently you have to rock 60 miles a day for 52 days in order to complete this D-Bagathon--aka impossible, aka you'll get awarded for trying, aka AYSO fucking soccer. I'm pretty sure this is one of those events where the cops allow you to kill people. They just turn the other cheek as you mow the streets clean of asshole hipsters.

thanks MD

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Did they just say that Burger King is going to have a "Whopper Bar" at night? Is Starbucks literally about to serve wine? And Sonic's..just being Sonic? Seriously, I've never even seen a Sonic so God knows what sketchy shit goes on behind their dirty grills.

Let's backtrack to the Whopper Bar. Don't think that slipped past me generic white newslady. What the untrained ear heard was: Burger King is going to be serving beers late night. What I heard: this is going to literally be the easiest, grossest, makeshift bar of all-time. You ever been to a decent bar and it's hovering around 2am and the DJ says his goodbyes? That desperate scramble for ass pales in comparison to the stampede set to occur in and around the BK bathrooms at 2am. I expect nothing less than fat cows, hoodrats, trannys, wankstas, Craw, scallywags, and the poor minimum wage workers just going to war each and every Friday and Saturday night. Some people fighting because they couldn't pick up that 1.5 trash monster chillin' near the soda machine and others bickering because the fryers are simply too concerned for their well-being to keep making onion rings for the homeless people that slipped through the cracks.

That being said, I would cry tears of joy if I could be the one to use the giant scissors and cut the red tape and let all the vagrants of the world in.
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Somewhere, Antoine Dodson's Bank of America account was just credited ten million dollars.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

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A couple weeks ago I had a laugh about creating my own amusing parkour video - pretty much spending an entire Saturday plotting and practicing my moves through the streets. Tonight I stumbled upon this and all my dreams came crashing down within this very 1:03 clip.

Not only did these kids subconsciously break into my head and steal my thoughts from overseas, but also created a product 10 times better than anything I would've ever come up with. The least I can do is blog it and leave the creativity to the young guns. That's what we're here for.  Enjoy.
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I can tell you one thing. If I had this drug at some point during my youth, you best believe I wouldn't be sitting here watching E! Network's 50 Super Epic TV moments. It would have been a one of those depressing one post nights where some of you subtlely worry about my well-being, but then I saw a commercial for Brainstrong--AKA the drug a LOT of kids are going to be dying from in like 20 years.

Aside from the fact that it will infect my body with some sort of super cancer, I would immediately jump on the opportunity to step my intellect game up as a youth. There was no better feeling than being absolutely dominant at random games when you're a kid. I'd be seizing the top spot in: Bop-It Extreme, Simon, Perfection, Mousetrap, 500 piece puzzles, Jenga, Guess Who, Pacman, Team Tag (through manipulation), and of course Connect Four.

That'd literally be worth the eventual megatron stroke I will have in the future. Nothing beats being that kid that just "gets" Connect 4.

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Yikes. I truly didn't want to open up Blogger today. That's never happened before. Scratch that, that happens every holiday after I go on like a 5 day hiatus and forget I have a blog. I literally looked at the tabs on my computer and thought to myself, "What the fuck is Working Man's Diary." That's not good. I legit forgot I ran a blog that I put a shit ton of time in. Guess that shows the weekend that I had.

Maine aka Vacationland aka you're going to get bit by every mosquito in the state is where I was. I definitely came, debateably saw, and did not conquer. The entire state made fun of me because I couldn't swim. Surprise Maine. Good people out there though that made my stay enjoyable. I'll be back, but I'll be sure to bring a bucket of "OFF" spray with extra acid flavored DEET.

Needless to say, I'm going to be a this week. I left a good chunk of my soul and a lot of my dignity up Interstate 95. Whoops.