Wednesday, March 31, 2010

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So, for those of you that don’t really know me, a lot of weird physical things happen to me on occasion. You know, how I don’t have big toe-nails, or I chip my teeth on a regular basis. Well, today’s medical mystery is my really, really, ungodly cold right ear. Just my right ear. Not my cheek, nose, or left ear, just my right. I’m currently wearing half of my wool hat right now (why am I wearing a wool hat in damn near April you ask? I DON’T KNOW.)

As I sit here, freezing at one ear, tonguing a specifically bothersome chip, and walking sans big-toe nails, I genuinely wonder if I am going to make it to stop the impeding apocalypse of 2012.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

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"Hey Jill. Can I call you Jill? No? Ok. Whoa! I'm sorry, please take the boxing gloves off. Nooooooo"

Sure that's how the typical conversation might go between us and I am fully aware that this barely 5 foot mynx could create the finest of knuckle sandwiches, but she confuses me in a good way? I know I sound confused and am turning sentences that don't seem like they should be questions into questions, but I am watching "Biggest Loser" right now and my hormones are like the god damn stock market. Not because of the fatties (kiddingggg, this shit is inspiring)..ohhh golly, not because of them (seriously, it just went to commercial and played uber-dramatic music when a chick was going to climb like 4 stairs..ok I'll stop). It's because of my girl Jill(ian) that's why. Sure she has some man-ish aggression issues, but she looks pretty good to me. Plus I like a woman that can shape me up. Not physically, because I gets my swole on from time to time, but shape up my lifestyle. A woman that will slap the Dub Cheezy out of Dub Jeezy.

Basically a woman that'll rattle the cage a little bit.

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Oh man. I have distinct memories of sitting in fourth grade class doodling some shit in my spiral notebook and putting Power Rangers stickers on my book bag, when all of a sudden, some high ranking official called my teacher out told her something outside, and it was on. By on, I mean she immediately turned on the television in the classroom and we watched a white Ford Bronco speeding down the highway to what felt like eternity.

Yes, the only thing we watched in class prior to that was "Reading Rainbow" (click that please..thanks) or some Scholastic News type of jib-jab. My two career classroom TV experiences were Reading Rainbow and the OJ Bronco chase. Ah, the NYC public education system. If you looked around the classroom, you can see like 20+ 8 and 9 year olds just sitting there confused as balls, but ultimately content with the lack of teaching and the teacher watching intently like her whole life rode on this moment. I was flabbergasted.

I'm glad to see that the white Bronco still commands some respect in 2010.
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^all sorts of awesome

I nearly shed a tear watching this. In another life I would most definitely be in an acapella group that specialized in 90s anime. Without hesitation. But, I am in this life and that shit is nerdy as balls. I can't do that to my already fragile post-graduate rep. I'm barely making social ends meet these days.

I see you fellas in the back just going through the motions. If you're in it, you're fuckin' in it. There's no, "Yeah, I was in the Pokemon acapella thing, but I half-assed my way through it. That's cool right?" in this world.

I'm disappointed in you guys. You sell that shit all the way, poppin' blood vessels and stuff

Monday, March 29, 2010

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Like Video Killed The Radio Star, this Freestyle Killed The Pop Star. You got 1000 testicles and are watching Nick Jr.? I don't follow bro. There was no type of rhyme scheme or flow. Just questionable lyrics and recognition of his exploitation of today's youth.

"My name's Justin Bieber and I got my first pube"

Your name is Justin Bieber and you won't be heard from in 2011.

PS. This was an April Fools Joke. Thanks to poor comedic timing and my lack of recognition of what day it is, this has to be executed early. Here is what you guys were actually supposed to see. Pfft. Like I could be mad at J. Bieber. April Fools!!

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It's probably not a rubik's cube. Probably something so horrific and disturbing, that this cat is going to be scarred forever.

Imagine if you were Chat Rouletting and saw this cat gaze at your face and immediately make that expression. How bad would you feel about that? Like, "is my face that awful, that I made an animal not of my species extremely disgusted." That's some discouraging stuff, especially for the ugly people of the world. Must suck. Being ugly. Ew.
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^Sometimes pictures and titles are matches made in heaven..

Here at WMD Enterprises, we don't make things up (blatant, blatant lie), and I am not shitting you when I say, CNN strikes another gold mine in hilarious real-life action/drama situations.

Basically, some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge...wait those are the lyrics to "Stan." This dude actually was hammered, saw a friendly (fiercely scary) woodland creature incapacitated on the side of the road and said, "Hey, I'm not certified or anything, but I think I can safe this little critter", and starts passionately making out with this dead possum. Now I know the difference between drunk CPR and being wildly, ridiculously lonely to the point where you get your jollies from making out with roadkill. Shit ain't cool man. I'm surprised the cop didn't start vomiting on site.

On a more positive side-note, I'm glad that sunufabitch possum that took extended residence in my basement finally got what's coming to him. What worse of a way to go out than already being dead and having a drunk guy making out with you? That's rock-bottom and you can't tell me otherwise. It's like being up in possum heaven and having a possum-angel telling you, "yo dude, I don't want to not tell you what's happening hear, so in an effort of full disclosure...there is a drunk dude making out with your lifeless body."

Rock-bottom. Shouldn't have left poo pellets in my basement...
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^full screen it...

Damn. I was a huge hater before I saw this video. I played the whole, "meh, he looks decent, I don't think he's #1 pick level though" game for awhile, but this video legitimately woke me up. No matter what level of basketball you play, if you are dominating at this level, you are a god damn force of nature. And I know about nature because I live in fucking Boston and experienced like 6 seasons (yes 6..some Mars level shit) in 2 weeks.

Either way, I'm off the Evan Turner bandwagon. I promoted that dude like I was Don King, but it's time to see the light. I know I'm late as hell, but John Wall is the m'effin truth.
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Herpes, Schmerpes. If I have the ability to teleport, you best believe I am getting a prescription for "Herpex." I won't go into in-depth details about how I will acquire said prescription, but know I could be teleporting into your living room during reruns of Extreme Home Makeover crying my eyes out right next to you.

Who knows, you can be sitting down for a quiet dinner when BAM!, Dub Jeezy is taking the last double cheeseburger out of the bag (a punishable by death offense) and disappears into a cloud of dust. Eh, herpes, is a solid reason not to get a prescription for Herpex, but the pros clearly outweigh the cons here. This leads me to time travel. Saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" (great movie) this weekend and it got the ol' noodle a'stirrin'. I'd completely fuck shit up if I got thrown back into the crisp year of '87. I'd undoubtedly meet all the wrong people, get into a bar fight with my future father, and mistakenly tell my future mother that I am her son and grow up to be a wildly unsuccessful blogger. Shit is best kept for the movies, because if it happened to me, I most assuredly wouldn't be here.

But clearly, the world would be a much, much, shittier place. Netflix and Reese's Pieces probably wouldn't exist, and no one wants to be alive in such a world.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

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Lets give a warm round of applause to the New Jersey Nets. Why? Well because they officially will not stand alone as the worst team in NBA history after defeating the Detroit Pistons 118-110 last night at the IZOD Center. Just days ago CEO Brett Yormark reamed out a fan for wearing a paper bag over his head. The organization is now walking a bit taller, collecting their 9th victory of the season while starting their first win streak of the decade...

If the Nets manage to lose out for the rest of the year, they can do no worse than the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers, a team that concluded their dismal run at 9-73. Players and coaches alike need to capitalize on this moment due to the clear lack of celebration all season long. "We're smiling," said point guard Devin Harris. "It's good to get two wins in a row, but we're not satisfied. We want to continue to be better and finish the season on a high note."

In my opinion fellas, its okay to earn maybe one more win and hang up the sneaks from there. You're not the worst ever. The goal has been attained. All you can do now is wait for the draft and hope to attract more than 1,000 fans per game in 2011. So rest easy NJ, it gets better from here.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

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Tim Wakefield and Daisuke Matsuzaka...a pair of pitchers some consider to be hit or miss for the Boston Red Sox looked outstanding in today's 6-4 spring training victory over the Florida Marlins. Wakefield underwent back surgery during the 2009-2010 offseason, not to mention the sheer fact that he's 43 years old. After practically lobbying to keep his spot two weeks ago, he's done nothing but produce in spring training to keep any doubters from speaking out any further.

Including his five of six scoreless innings pitched today, the 17-year veteran has earned a 3.6 ERA while racking up 10 K's in 20 innings. Keep fluttering the knuckleballs in looks as though it may just work again in 2010.

Moving on to Matsuzaka. Is it too ambitious for me to predict that Dice-K is about to have his most successful MLB campaign to date? I know, I know, the gyroball isn't real. But the entire Japanese population didn't buy Red Sox jerseys for nothing. Dice-K let up a run in 2 innings work in relief this afternoon...Not so bad knowing he's still not fully recovered from neck and back ailments.

Manager Terry Francona is looking forward to a great season with the 2x World Baseball Classic MVP, saying "I thought the biggest thing was that he got out there and he stayed in his delivery. I think you're going to see more come out of his arm, I certainly believe."

So this concludes my rant. Josh Beckett, John Lackey, Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, Tim Wakefield, Daisuke Matsuzaka. Just wanted to make clear that we currently showcase the best string of starters in the MLB. Debate if you must..and If you simply don't care, I wouldn't be offended either.
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Shit looks magical. I'm not necessarily down with all the snow imagery, but I can look past that, much like I can look past glaring flaws on otherwise hot girls. I'm superficial, but only in regards to fantasy worlds that will take me out of the harsh reality of experiencing the steady grind of the work week. You can't come to the office and decide, "oh hey, I'm just going to grab the Firebolt and head to Dunkin'. Anyone need anything?", people are too sad, and most likely wouldn't even laugh at my hilarious HP reference.

Back to the task at hand. Yes, I'm 22. Yes, I know it'd be tough to explain to my employer why I am taking an entire week off to attend a "business meeting" he never assigned. These things are for me to worry about though. It may seem grim from your end, but I have a glimmering beacon of hope to guide me. The beacon being the faces of those little snot nosed kids as I am the first bad-ass to enter the WWoHP. Sure, they'll ask their parents why a certified adult (that's right, adult) is getting on all the rides before they can. It's because I want it more. I read the books before you can read junior and juniorettes. I'm going to be the guinea pig for all of these (potentially faulty) rides while you guys stand on the sidelines with your sippie cups wondering what could have been.

It took roughly 85 days, but I finally have my first New Year's Resolution..
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^funny thing is..he's probably dead.

Apparently Cali and Canada are the only places on the ball with the fact that bees just haven't been around for past 4 years. I kind of noticed a couple of years back, but I attributed it to global warming, like most of everything that goes wrong in my day. On a sad note, I've never been hit with a "don't know what you got until it's gone" like this in awhile. Granted, I hate the shit out of bees with a fiery passion, but they've been some pretty solid staples in my life. This is a thorough preparation for me when Shaquille O'Neal retires.

Nothing will be able to replicate the sheer terror I felt when I bee comes relatively close to my living space. The fact that I've never been stung before sums up the terror, but the thought that I won't have much of a challenge these days kind of puts a damper on my day...

It's like when Tupac died and Biggie realized how dumb their feud was. Yes, exactly like that.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

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^what's the matter Steve? That reefer blur your vision?!!?!

Haha, I love the NFL. 1/3rd of the first-round prospects tested positive for weed. If I hazarded a guess, I'd say Braylon Edwards did a ton of weed because he, bless his heart, could not catch the football to save his life.

It's not the player's fault college is becoming the frattiest bro-lair around. When your lifestyle is revolves around not going to class, getting Bs, practicing, partying, and women, it's hard to be surprised that they smoked some weed. Not many restrictions for the star football player. I just find it hilarious that literally 33% of the "best" players entering the NFL are due for at least $75,000 in fines and potentially 30 days in jail each.

Don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty pumped for the future of the NFL.
// //

I'd immediately get on one knee unlace one shoe, remove it, unlace the other shoe, remove, it, take off my jersey, give a large peace sign, and politely remove myself from the arena/roster/basketball society.

I've been swatted, not jammed on, crossed-over, but I most certainly have never had my shot caught/grabbed/corralled like that. Granted, I stopped basketball after high school varsity and was playing in a not-that competitive league, but still that shit is absurd.

Where to go from here as a basketball player? Definitely a serious crossroads...
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I don't even know what to say about this. I initially wanted to go with the idea that it was fake, but that was a legitimate old lady. Moreover, it was most likely someone in that crowd's grandmother. How scarring would it be to hold up your grandmother doing a keg stand?

Personally, I don't think I could come back from that.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

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Just thought I'd show a few seconds of Stephon Marbury punching in at work for the China Basketball Association. The former Minnesota, New Jersey, Phoenix, New York, Boston and now Shanxi Zhongyu Brave Dragon netted 30 points to lead his squad to victory in the league All-Star game this past weekend.

Not only did Marbury easily earn MVP rights here...but he did so in a way involving a trio of half court shots with a side of no look alley-oops. "I didn't expect anything before the game," he said. "I just wanted to have fun here. But I do think I made some impact on this game." Good to see China experience a different type of role model in their lives. Every kid on the street better own a pair of Starbury's after witnessing that kind of performance.

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Listening to "Say Aah" today, I blacked out a little bit and pretended if I was in the situation of one, Trey Songz. Instead of it being him, it was little ol' me at the bar saying the lyrics to a woman. This is how it would go....

Me: Shawty, you the baddest, and to meet you is an honor (lil mama?).

Bar Girl: Excuse me? What did you just say to me? Did you say "lil mama" under your breath in question form?

Me: Err...umm.....I got a table waitin', what you think about a convo?

Bar Girl: You don't have a table. This bar doesn't even have a VIP section. What are you trying to pull here? You have to answer at least one of my questions before we can even begin having a "convo."

Me: (Shit, shit, shit) And if you like it baby we can take it to the condo? ::in a wildly uncomfortable tone::

Bar Girl: Smacks me.

Me: And if you like the condo..

Bar Girl: You are really starting to freak me out right now...You keep mumbling stuff under your breathe and you're just a weird person. I'm not interested!!

Me grimacing: We can move the party to the bedroom? I'ma beat your body like a congo....

Bar Girl: I'm going to tell the bouncer to kick you out of here and then I am going to call the police. You've accosted me, propositioned me, and overall treated me like a piece of meat, all the while rhyming as you do it like it's a game. I'm disgusted and hope that you get help you sick depraved bastard!!

Moral of the story: every hit song's lyrics are lies. Lies that lead you down a path to sexual harassment and prison.

Stray away from such tracks and leave it to the professionals people.

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As soon as the slightest hint of rain decides to fall, the sky becomes blackened with the decent of millions upon millions of seagulls. For those of you that really haven't encountered a seagull, I'll paint the picture. These things are assholes. To be an asshole, you have to know you're being an asshole, and these bastards certainly know the deal. Oh, you're walking this way? How about 17 seagulls block your path and flap their disease filled wings all over your new brown shoes. They know what they're doing and they're damned proud of it. I walked out of my office building for lunch and low and behold a seagull clips this women's umbrella, sends it into a tailspin, umbrella is destroyed, and the woman nearly got hit by a car. I could have sworn I saw that flying bastard grinning as he went on top of some building.

Another thing I realized is the fact that seagulls are big as fuck. Like seriously. The seagull and the pelican are definitely closing the gap on each other in body size and bill size. They also shit like a boss too. No run of the mill pigeon poop that'll kind of mess up your day. Seagull shit have sent men and women over the edge. Ever heard of Charles Manson? Ted Bundy? Rita from Power Rangers? All of them got shat on by a seagull before they lost their minds. Direct correlation, no need for a graphing calculator on this on. Ok, that's not true, but their cackle did make me want to knock over a peanut cart (because who in their right mind is buying peanuts from the peanut cart mid-afternoon?!).

Fine, you got me, the real reason why I have a hate/fear of seagulls is because they fucked with me on my home turf one fateful summer night. I couldn't have been more than 8, enjoying some dinner outside with my family at some nice little seafood restaurant, when I get a little curious and want to walk around a bit. Naturally, I bring my fries with me, because Dad can get a little grabby. I go to eat my first fry and all of a sudden, the god damn queen of all seagulls descends upon me and jacks me of most of my fries. Needless to say, the evening was a definitive wrap. I was confused, covered in snot and tears, and overall defeated by the heartless, malicious bastard that is..the seagull.
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-props to the Juiceman for passing this video my way...

I've never seen a guy define the odds in more ways than Kurt Warner. From grocery bagger, to Super-Bowl, to decent looking wife, to kind-of-hot wife. It is extraordinary. A rags to riches story in every facet of life.

Think of what's going through Kurt's head at this point. Most would think, "oh snap, Kurt is simply out of his element here and that ref is killing him right now", but Kurt is just watching, looking for this guy's week point. He's clearly too overzealous and Kurt goes for the kill by slowing down the dance and virtually out-smoothing the guy to victory. It was like watching someone get dunked on in an "And-1" mixtape. Everyone just ran off the field. Truly spectacular.

We've found that he has a calling post-retirement.

Monday, March 22, 2010

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LeBron James just recently became the youngest player to reach 15,000 career points (beating out Kobe by 2 years). After hitting the milestone in Chicago he shared a bit more information to the press in regards to his upcoming free agency period.

"At the end of the day, it is still a business," said James. "This isn’t high school basketball anymore. You have to do what is best for your family and what is best for yourself. I’ve always said I love being in Cleveland. But for me as a basketball player, no matter what happens, I love to play the game. I play it with a joy and I love my teammates."

In other words, LBJ is thinking in somewhat of an empire state of mind. New York Knicks fans have already bought in to the idea in light of the 1,800 new season ticket orders for next year (franchise record). But no one can deny that LeBron's staged press conference to announce his team in 2011 will rack up more ratings then any presidential election...and maybe even American Idol (gasp).

Either way, these Knicks fans better settle down. I don't know how I'd feel if I dropped 3 G's hoping to see the King all next season, when in reality it's just David Lee, Bill Walker and post-injury T-Mac running out of the tunnel to represent the "mecca of basketball." Stay tuned for more hype.
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I know you guys have seen that water-skiing squirrel on the fictional (but I wish was real) ESPN 8 "The Ocho." Squirrels are sneakily the second smartest, coolest, and most resourceful creatures aside from humans.

I played it over and over in my head and I've come to the conclusion that, if put in the same situation, I would not be able to recover those pellets. Those jumps were too risky for my frail ankles and feet sans toenails.

Cudos to you my furry faired better than the frogs we posted a little while ago. Those poor bastards...
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Every now and then you're sitting in class, obviously not paying attention to what the professor is saying, and you notice that person in the room that looks as if they are intentionally annoying you. They key into your number one pet peeve and put a figurative spotlight on it and you. It's fine because this class is almost over..right? Only like..55 more minutes?! What the hell? This twisted bitch better chill out before I create a god damn scene up in Macroeconomics. Chuckin' washable markers/laser pointers tossed everywhere, and magnetizing laptop screens. I know it doesn't take like 400 chews to put down an apple slice. How does no one notice this shit? Only..55 minutes..still?!? Did I go back in time or is that clock broken?

After my brief bout with PTSD, I have to say I full support everything that this girl did in that classroom.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

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I'm sure the little guy knew this wasn't a good idea. Right?

Murder-Streak Monday here we come...
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Tiger Woods just recently sat down for an interview for the first time since his highly publicized Thanksgiving evening. "I'm excited to get back and play, I'm excited to get to see the guys again," he told ESPN's Tom Rinaldi. "I really miss a lot of my friends out there. I miss competing"

Woods plans to stage his comeback Thursday, April 8th at the annual Masters Tournament in Augusta, GA. Well...I know one thing's for sure. There are definite mixed emotions going on right now in regards to his return. Certain PGA Players are kicking themselves due to the short amount of time left for them to earn 2nd-rate checks and trophy's.

Golf is experiencing somewhat of a Michael Jordan effect the NBA suffered in the 90's. The league became wide open after Jordan decided to take swings and chew seeds in minor league baseball. The Houston Rockets prevailed, only for MJ to lace up again and solidify himself as the best to ever play the game.

PGA owners couldn't be more thrilled to have Tiger back. The 2010 Masters without a doubt will be the most watched golf tournament ever. Simply put...people enjoy witnessing greatness, and people love to settle in for a good comeback story. It's time for Woods to regain his spot at #1. To the others in the field succeeding through his absence...Sorry fellas, honeymoon's over.

Friday, March 19, 2010

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Let's do this Syracuse, it's only Vermont. Save my bracket!

Have a great weekend everyone...
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Do you get some sort of prize for getting every pick wrong? While I knew I was doing ok in my main bracket, I decided to check my other brackets. One of them is basically on life-support begging me to pull the plug. Sorry for that morbid statement, and that suicide hotline picture. It just seems to fit a little bit. When I saw this bracket, it was looks like I went to the future, saw everyone who lost, and put them on this bracket like one big joke. I need to take this off of immediately. I don't want to be featured on Dateline NBC a month from now as the kid that picked literally every game wrong. People sending me letters and shit hoping I could get help. Nuh Uh, not the life I am looking forward to.
// //

^the position your body will be in if you encounter either of these situations. Please believe that I am dealing with both of these right now.

1) Hangnails. Suck. WebMD among other opinions tells you to leave them alone and they will take care of themselves. You on the other hand naturally have that "fuck that" pulsing through your veins. It doesn't look like that much of a hassle. It's kind of dangling out of there and gives a great spot to bite it off. Easy money. You go in and all seems good and calm. Then you notice your trajectory is off and you're biting right next to the hangnail, thus making a larger hangnail. Now it becomes a snowball effect of trying to get that shit out of your finger. Do you give up and deal with the pain and let nature run it's course or do you keep trying because you're stubborn as hell? I took the latter. Needless to say, I can't really type right now and there is some casual blood rolling out.

2) Wearing the wrong color shirt than you thought you were originally wearing is just embarrassing. There is just nothing you can do. A mental pain that will last the entire time that you are out. My outfit combination rested solely on the shoulders of my shirt selection. It was paramount that the shirt be black or else I'd be on some clown-level Junior-Varsity work outfit shit. It took until I was sitting on the T that some old lady was grilling me hard. When I doused the possibility that she wanted me, I realized the scoop. The mofo'in shirt was navy blue. The day was ruined before 8:30. People respected me less in the office, no one took my opinion seriously, and overall I couldn't get into a flow. I was tripping on the most cracks on the street. Pedestrians were wondering if I was some random vagrant inebriated off of some sort of crippling substance. Not a good look.

When they both happen in the same day. That's the worst. Question answered.
// //

No, not because I get told I look (and play..haha, that's just a joke) like him all time, but because dude can maximize his free time. If I just had a knee surgery that sidelined me for months, you best believe that I am shacking up at the crib with the most models, video games, and McDonald's all day. I most assuredly wouldn't be making surprisingly funny parody videos.

I guess that is where the line is that divides the bloggers and the pro basketball players huh?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

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In case you missed it, here's the March Madness spectacle of the day. Somebody get Danero Thomas a beer because this guy just hit his peak. But wait a second..who the hell are the Murray State Racers? Is that horrible of me to not be able to confidently boast about they've been underrated this whole time? Was there anyone crazy enough to advance this 13 over 4 in their brackets? Hold up right there...

ESPN reports: "President Barack Obama must have been onto something picking these revved-up Racers (31-4) to get past the first round. It was the school's first victory in the NCAA tournament since a 78-75 win over North Carolina State in 1988." Figures. Just another 10 dollar donation. For those out there who made this pick through pure research: I'm impressed, but screw you. This is what I get for playing it safe...again.
// //

^oh, catchy t-shirt slogan, but I am!

Seriously though, hasn't it been a long time since I left a legitimately drunk post. On a Wednesday no less. I've just been straight up disappointing my one reader continuously with all of these "sober" posts that make sense and have a direction.

Well, fret not my reader, for I am drunk as shit right now and I'm proud to say it. Yes, my mother reads this blog and I am sure that I will receive a call for my Wednesday antics. It's fine. She's miles away and there's always a "Call End" button (sorry Mama, love you). Anyways, this mofo got a little faded tonight. I got a tad bit dumb tonight and reached a level of unsobriety that no man should reach at the rich time of 4pm. I also realized that I should probably run the New York and Boston marathons all at the same time. I think I can win. Know why? Because I walked across Boston today folks. Granted, it's a small desolate little city, but I did it. Myself and my trusty ally Dick Palmer, waged war on these streets and mainly the bars like two post graduates with nothing to lose can. We drank harder than hard, and walked harder than Dewey Cox. It was a true test of resolve and spirit. My liver played the role of the "Little Engine That Could." Damn near brought a tear to my eye how inspiring that shit was. Needless to say, I went slag surfing, recovered a number (though it wasn't of my doing?) and achieved a Digiorno at the end of the night. I no doubt doused that shit in hot sauce. The kid ain't playing tonight.

So anywho, I'm sorry for the coherence of this post whereas I am actually drunk, but am simply too baller to allow myself to type sloppily. It's in your honor.

Enjoy the morning everyone. I know I won't.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

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Sometimes you know when you shouldn't be playing a video game or watching a movie.

I'm a manly guy by all means. Damn near piss excellence. But some shit just ain't right. I bought God Of War 3 today in high anticipation because the first two were the best games that I have ever played. Granted I played the first two for PS2 and not on a high-definition television. Things changed quickly when the PS3 and an HDTV became involved. Basically, the game is about dismembering as many characters in Greek mythology as you can. And by dismember, I mean slaughter. By slaughter, I mean eviscerate. On the PS2 the polygons, pixels, and whatever other shit that was involved did not create the actual recreation of killing something for real. Keep in mind, the game gives you like 75 warning about playing the game, basically asking, "are you sure you know what you're playing?" "you positive you want to get into this shit man" "I know you, you're better than this", pretty much cutting to my core. Seconds into God of War 3, I realized, that either I have a really good TV, or this was getting realer than real before I had a chance to even understand. The first 5 minutes offer breathtaking visuals and all the other artsy stuff. I was amazed to be honest. Next 5 minutes, I wish I could have been prepared for.

You get into a fight with Poseidon (where you at T-Pain from "I'm On a Boat"?) and yada yada yada, you have to kill him as most typical video game battles end. Let me stress again, the graphics are awesome. You basically execute the guy in the most brutal way possible. Ripping limbs off, punching him in slow motion like it was Fight Night, and there's blood everywhere. It's genuinely uncomfortable. Then to top it off (graphic alert), you have to gauge out his eyes as you rip off his head. I was fucking speechless. What happened to the days of Ms. Pacman and Crash Bandicoot's zany ass? I felt like I legitimately took a life. Poseidon's no less. Wasn't that the dude that was Ariel's father in Little Mermaid. He had an awesome beard, that's no way for him to die. So basically, this game is going to be a test of my character and resolve. Pretty much weighing in on whether I have testicles or not.

Not for the faint of heart people. Or people with great TVs.
// //

Looks like the Baddest Man on the Planet Kid Dynamite is taking on a new hobby...thats right ladies and gentlemen...former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson is next set to spread his wings and take flight in pigeon racing. He'll be featured in a reality show next year called "Taking on Tyson," which should closely follow his ventures through this "intenely competative and bizzarrely fascinating world."

This may become one of the most entertaining and compelling shows in reality TV history. I mean this is Mike Tyson Pigeon Racing!!! Here's how

I remember Tyson (WARNING: EXPLICIT MATERIAL). But apparently he's been raising pigeons his entire life. What? Expect Iron Mike to be assisted by a "colorful team" of pigeon experts as he competes with the five to six other bird racers existing in the world.

Monday, March 15, 2010

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^While I wish I was talking about this juice, sadly I am not. I'm literally just talking about juice. You can stop reading now if you want.

At the very least, 8 times, someone will chirp, "do we have any juice?" throughout my apartment. That is usually followed by a "no" and a resounding "fucckkkk." Then usually an argument about who brought in the last batch of Sunny D, or some Saturday cartoon variety juice product. Think about it. When you were little, the fridge was stocked with more juices than your heart can imagine. Some shit you didn't even understand. Like, what is pomegranate juice? Either way, you were in a surplus. Odds are, you aren't now. You'll be lucky if you have soda in your fridge.

I knew something had to happen. I'm thirsty at least 94% of the day. It's definitely an underlying health problem that'll show itself when I'm in my 50s, but now the only thing that'll fix it is juice. At school I had the dining hall, and when I was too lazy to do that, I had "drank." Drank was the drink mix that happened to be on sale that week at the supermarket (sooo college) and was composed of either, kool-aid, lemonade, iced tea, or a dangerous combination of all three. It was enough to keep me alive. Now, I have to shop for juice on the reg and shopping ain't baller..well unless you're purchasing baller shit.

What I am trying to say in this rant is that juice is soo good. You don't need to slum it with tap water. I just got a gallon (literally) of Minute Maid Fruit Punch for $1.75. Sure, there's probably spider eggs in it or something crazy, but that's a TJ Maxx level deal, and I don't pass those up.

On that note, good night America. I warned you not to read this.

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What a wack start to a wack day. It's been raining cats and dogs, and in my case, rats and possums. Actually, we haven't seen the possum around in ages, we can only assume it drowned in our currently flooded basement. I digress. I made the most frustrating, buyer-regret filled purchase today. With gale force winds I thought it was a good idea to buy an umbrella from 7-Eleven. I know it's my fault to even make that move, but it was early in the morning and I am essentially drunk before 10am anyway. Needless to say, I spent $10, walked outside and it immediately reacted to the wind like the human body would react to a grenade. Really put a damp damper on my morning.

Just when I thought they'd ax the NBA Jam project, they release a bonkers trailer that frankly looks pretty scary. The players looked like they all had "Big Head" mode going. And sure, I'm pumped to buy this game after Carmelo and Lebron's publicists made quotes up for them. Sure, it was fun for our sugar/Mountain Dew induced generation. We played "Jacks." I'm pretty sure a ball of yarn could have kept our attention. This generation is full of bastards, with their Iphones and "next-generation" consoles. I don't like it. I don't think the new youths will like it much either.

Listen to me Midway, I'm here for you. Basically because I have nothing else to do.
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I've seen a movie preview or two and this one, simply put, is just bad. Not one thought of a laugh for me during the whole thing. I had to watch it a couple of additional times to see where the jokes actually were.

You had me during Shrek 1 and 2, but after forcing myself through part 3, I became privy to your attempts at stealing away my $10. You won't get me this time Dreamworks.

You didn't even recast Justin Timberlake. That's just basically telling me you put a shit effort forth.

Friday, March 12, 2010

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Confused, cold, and linguine-like. That's what appears to be my future after what appears to be a heavily alcoholic weekend.

A trillion Jack&Cokes will replace the blood in your body. Bones need blood? Bones disappear. I know science and that's definitely how it works. Since I love getting new jobs, I might as well hit up Monster and Career Builder to see what's up in the "Plastic Dude In A Box" occupation. All I need are some deese benefits and a gym membership.

May the weekend be good to you all.
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I haven’t seen a decision this dangerous since the Taco Bell Shrimp Taco experiment of 2010. Wait, that’s still being sold? Jesus.

I got off the train today, casually walked past the old watering hole (watering hole for me means Burger King) and had to do a triple take. You can imagine what a triple take looks like at 8:30am in the middle of a crowded walking area. It was like a poorly produced skit from “All That.” Did I just read BK brunch? It was like the most cryptic thing I’ve ever read, basically hieroglyphics. What does this “brunch” entail? Oh, it looks like they sell a breakfast bowl, filled with everything that would normally be on a breakfast platter. Hmm. After I threw up in my mouth, I began to consider what a forkful of pancake, processed egg, sausage, and hashbrowns would taste like..for the perilous price of $1.49. This shit is either the most unsafe item on the market, or I will be doing a disservice to the decision making team in my brain for not giving it a shot. Needless to say, I’m writhing in pain right now wondering what the hell just happened. I feel like that dude from “Momento.” Permanent amnesia, loss of basic cognitive functions, and a thirst for revenge (because I didn’t get an orange juice..dumb me).

Because my body isn’t exactly what we call “smart” I will probably fall down this path at least 15-48 more times in the coming months. I’ll chronicle each attempt in detail each time whether you like me to or not, because this is my blog and I’m feeling giddy (or sick) because it’s Friday.

PS. The brunch menus stops at the 10:30...the same time breakfast stops. What?!
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They "told" me to bring my laptop to work today haha. Suckers. Now I can post to my hearts content. Video is bizarre. I want the Lady Gaga from the "Eh, Eh" video back.

Gaga should never be on the same screen as Beyonce. She's wayyy to hot and Gaga is wayy to polarizing. Doesn't make for a good combination.

A quote from Fabolous:

"Told her we could be a dream team like Kobe & LeBron. Only if you gold, I never do the bronze. If you could have Beyonce would you take Solange?"

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

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Just looking at this made 9 year old me cry and grab my mother's leg. His little legs picked up some real speed, real fast.

So back to my borderline creepy idea of purchasing this kid and grooming him into a future NFL star. He has the potential, but I bet his parents are all like, "worry about school and eat your vegetables." Eff that. Muscle Milk, chicken, oatmeal, steaks, charm school, and the most non-height stunting steroids available. It's too important for me..and him I guess. When you're running a 4.9 40 yard dash at the age of 9, you should be insulted that no one bought you, turned you into a meatheaded linebacker that got a 1200 on their SATs (new version), and earns $8 million a year.

So, call me. We'll start negotiations right away.
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Casually perusing through my on-demand music menu, I saw this video and thought nothing of it. Then I reviewed my mental log of Lady Gaga hits and an error screen kept popping up. Never heard of this "Eh, Eh" track. She's hot, it's not a hit, and she looks relatively normal. I feel like I am walking over a random grass patch in the middle of the concrete road. I'm eventually going to fall in..right?

This video is confusing. Don't let her lull you into a false sense of security.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

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Stock up at Shaws and get your TiVo ready...March Madness is here. Honestly my knowledge in regards to college basketball is minimal. I'm one of those guys that fills out 10 brackets and if one succeeds...I can just act all nonchalant like I knew what I was doing the whole time.

So now that I've confessed...There's nothing more I want then for the NCAA tournament to expand from 64 (65) to 96. Hell why not go for 128? It's time to dismiss all negatives and think of the possibilities. The process is already too much for anyone to handle, why not increase the insanity?

There's been a lot of talk about why certain high profile coaches are interested in expanding the bracket. Most people believe coaches are pro-96 to take the pressure off...As long as they get in the tourney its all good...I say different. The first round under the new system would further weed out the pretenders. It may just add some pressure to these hot shots if a no name team were to step in and shock the world. It's bound to happen with so many opportunities. Let's set up some more underdogs... Bigger is better. If you disagree with actual valid points then big ups to you.

Monday, March 8, 2010

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Sorry Boss, I am back...

#2.) Am I attracted to Na'vi Blue people?

Note to self: Don't take a girl to see Avatar

I'm just going to say Avatar is a trip. Had a great date going, few laughs, little hand hold action, but somewhere in the 3D virtual world I was living in for over 3 hours I lost focus. I really liked the movie... maybe too much. I most certainly would've been all about pulling down some big blue alien ass if I had the chance... anyone else?...just me? Anyway the date ended with walking her home and gettin a goodnight kiss but I gotta admit my mind was elsewhere. I think the first step is accepting when you have a problem. I see nothing wrong with my attraction to Neytiri.

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The thing I'm surprised about is the fact that there are casinos in Detroit. I thought that place was on some barren wasteland shit. Kind of impressive, I guess.

Iverson, Iverson, Iverson. We all knew you were destined for a downfall, so this is not shocking to say the least. Everyone played the whole, "He's been doing it his way for years", "He never wanted to be part of the corporate NBA" card. He'd get into some spat with the coach, leave the team for like a week, come back and everything would be fine again. Just Iverson being Iverson. Oh, he threw his wife out of the house naked in front of his young child. Nah, that's what, um, everyone does...I think? What I am trying to say is, someone should have helped this dude a long time ago when the warning signs were apparent. Now he's well on that path to being that creepy guy at the bar playing video blackjack and talking to himself. I may be on that path too, but for different reasons. I loved A.I. back in the day. He was exciting, fearless, and played like a warrior. Plus he hogged the shit out of the ball, which I loved and emulated accordingly.

Stephen A. Smith, for some reason, I think you're the only person that may be Allen Iverson's friend. If you're reading this (like I am positive he is) please refer him to this blog. There are over 300 posts of mind-numbingly pointless things to read for hours on end. Most of it not making sense. It is a cheaper, less alcoholic alternative to gambling, and, well, alcohol. I still care as a fan A.I. and I write this blog to help people (LOL), so please, just give it a read.

PS. "" may be the greatest domain name of all time.
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Damn you Dick Palmer, damn you!!!!!

I hire you for one fucking week and you wimp out on me. You think I am paying you in beer and pancakes for nothing? Shit. Being CEO is harder than I thought. I just thought it was about coming in late, leaving early, and collecting my bonus. I guess I have to use "motivating tactics." A lure to bring D. Palms back out of his 24 day bender hibernation.

Well here's my go at it. You're going to find out something that women have been wondering for decades (2 to be exact). The way to win my (or any self-respecting guy's heart) aka. the idea of pluses (+++) in a woman. Get your notepads out ladies if you want my heart or want the heart of a much more dateable person than me.

Be: funny, outgoing, low-maintenance, down to hang inside on a Saturday yet be borderline alcoholic, fight fo' yo' man if he needs assistance with a random slag yo' man happened to spill his drink on, be completely in with the idea/concept of Netflix, pretend to be remotely entertained with once a week men's league games, "stop acting like a bitch...dawg".

Smell: good

Eat: meat, whatever food you want while maintaining your figure (not asking a lot here)

Drink: beers, assorted vodka related mixed drinks, "drank", Hawaiian Punch, water after you killed yourself on the elliptical for 1 hour and 45 minutes,

Don't: take up bed space, snore, cry during movies because I'll probably cry too, complain about my lifestyle/life-choices, cheat, talk about other dudes unless you're mentioning they're worse than me at something, be on the UConn Women's basketball team, be taller, have dated a professional athlete/anyone cooler than me, like more than 2 shows on "Bravo."

And that's it ladies. Simple if you ask me. If you're relatively normal, not 6'5, and psycho, you stand a reasonable chance for dating/marrying a good person that's less than or similar to me.

Basically, this was a cry out for Dick Palmer to resume his post as the advice man for the realm of relationships. I swear there's 7 beers and a chocolate chip pancake in your future.
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Big game coming up? Check these 2 minutes of greatness for all the inspiration you'll ever need. Why be limited to one speech when you can have Al Pachino, Mel Gibson, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L Jackson, and Emilio Esteves (to name a few) put you in your place all at once. I was sold during the climax when it cuts from Free Willy to Angels in the Outfield to Cool Runnings. How pumped am I to crush the elliptical before 10:30 pm shut eye? Can't wait.
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I'd classify myself as an "AV" kid. There will always be a part of me that will be connected with video games. I'll definitely be that guy playing games well into adulthood. Whether that has a direct correlation with me having a girlfriend/getting married or not is irrelevant.

Hey kid, I've been there. Donkey Kong Country 1, Winter of '96. That god-damn mine level where you had to make those timing jumps every two seconds. They made the first 56 of them really easy, but that last one required the skills of a ninja with telekinesis. Let me tell ya, Mom was not happy. I essentially locked myself in my room, missed lunch, dinner, breakfast, and potentially a second lunch because of that shit. Showers were absolutely out of the question. So what if a couple tears came out, it was for the love of the game. "Built character" if you will. But come on bro, you don't throw another guy's game.

No matter how frustrating the game is (Mega Man 1-12), you always have the off-switch or the quit option. Plus you're like 17 dude, diversify your bonds playa. I'm pretty sure you could have at least been chucking a Playstation or a Sega Saturn at this point..

Sunday, March 7, 2010

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Lakers small forward and top personality Ron Artest decided to get creative en route to LA's third consecutive loss in Orlando. Earlier he reached out to his followers on twitter, asking how to write "Defense" in Hebrew and India...We all saw why this afternoon when he introduced his new hairstyle to the thousands in attendance at the Amway Arena. Turns out the languages picked out in bold purple were Hebrew, Japanese and Hindi.

But what's the point of writing defense if no one playing can read it? I know Vince Carter couldn't translate as he went on to net 25 points. Dwight Howard controlled the paint with 15 points while collecting 16 boards over Pau Gasol all day long.

Some of the Lakers apparently dubbed the Magic as "puppies" before the game, calling out their "soft" style of play. Howard had a few choice words following his dominant performance, saying "Alpha dogs usually have the big bark. But since we're so-called puppies, we won't bark as loud."

Lesson learned for Ron Artest and the LA Lakers: Spend more time preparing on the court over the hair salon so you don't lose three in a row. We'll see if Artest keeps the look for their next contest against the Raptors Tuesday night.

Friday, March 5, 2010

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EMBED-Guy in Chicken Suit Pranks Wrong Class - Watch more free videos

Leave it to a teacher beating the shit out of a guy in a chicken suit to really bring me back to the good ol days. Gone are the days I would bring my laptop to class and watch episodes of Greek 24 in the back, see my aced midterm exam and walk out.

Also gone are my opportunities for dudes in hilarious farm animal costumes to surprise and amuse me in the middle of a most assuredly boring lecture. That shit doesn't happen in the office! Just bad jokes and agreed upon misery. That's it. Live it up this weekend, because each day I die a little more.

Okay, okay...wayyy too depressing. You know the kid Dub Jeezy will be out there losing his mind making a fool of himself and ruining shots with respectable women all weekend. Pfft, nothing can keep me down.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

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Winter fun is almost over...well that's if you had any. I caught my first real breath of spring air yesterday and I couldn't be happier. So this is fair warning to those who need to get in that last run before April weather hits.
The video provided proves the flu season to be somewhat valuable. Looks like a hell of a time if you can snowboard like that, even if King James arguably gets more hang time on the court...See for yourself

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

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Cracked out Octopus picture aside, am I missing something? Chick basically said she was passing up beers and debauchery for coloring books on the weekend.

According to my debit and credit cards, coloring might be the best option for these coming weekends. This girl must be rolling double-cheeseburgers and contemporary t-shirts...or a Hello Kitty lunchbox collection. I don't know, she's clearly bat-shit crazy, but she's away from all the chaos and stress that is the bar scene.

Let's go back to coloring books. The most frustrating item of my childhood life was the coloring book. I'm a perfectionist and things kept messing up my masterpieces. If any part slipped out of the lines, the page was ripped out. That shit wasn't worth putting on the refrigerator. The fridge demanded perfection, aka school pictures, good test scores, and schedules. My coloring book picture would need to figuratively piss excellence to make it. For my 3 years of extensive coloring, maybe 2 or 3 pictures met my standards of making the fridge. I'm pretty sure they were all of Garfield too. And I named my cat Garfield. I guess I have a problem, but that's neither here nor there.

By the way, when I am a dad (hahahaha LOLZ!!!) and my kid tries to bring some half-assed effort to me for fridge consideration, I am going to crumble it in front of him/her. It'd be the picture crumbling equivalent of swatting a hapless lay-up in a father-son basketball game.

Don't go up with that weak shit, son/daughter.
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What we know:

1) a school bus managed to land (completely totaled) on top of what appears to be a Mexican barrio.

2) place is dirty as hell

What we don't know:

1) why the bus has no wheels

2) how many children are in the bus

3) how many frogs are in the bus (because they've been having a shit week anyway)


Apocalypse. That shit is coming at a pace none of us were ready for. Mad earthquakes, tsunamis, snow-hurricanes, volcanoes erupting, buses in barrios and news that they are in production for Transformers 3. The proof is in the pudding folks. We're screwed and I don't know what's going to take me out.

I'm pretty agile, so I can probably evade earthquakes and volcanic eruption, but tsunamis will probably mess me up a smidge. If buses are floating about, that can present a problem because I, like many people, don't want to turn the corner and get hit by a bus. It all comes down to me inevitably purchasing an overpriced ticket to the most over-advertised movie of late fall, Transformers 3. You can't go to that movie without being prepared for a spell of murder-suicide to come over you.

And please people..don't forget about the frogs. It's effecting them worse than us.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

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And video day comes to a close.

This video is insane. These guys just come out with one song/video every 3 years to support themselves. Sweet life I guess.
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EMBED-Pogo Stick to Shovel Nutshot - Watch more free videos

This one is easy. Clearly the guy on the trampoline has worse friends. The larger gentleman in the lower video knew what was happening. Dude up top is dangling from the hoop screaming in agony while his little ratty friends are laughing. To top it off, the kid continues to scream in a heap on the trampoline with his friends and the camera man still laughing.

The fat kid might be dead though, you don't come back from hits like that. What do you guys think?
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Gilbert Arenas, after pleading guilty to a felony gun possession seems to have a lot of time on his hands in light of his current NBA suspension. Maybe he doesn't have all the time in the world, but he recently had room on his schedule to make an appearance at a PETA event...What?

When reporters likely gave a distinct what the hell? look towards Arenas, he made clear: "It's just like anything. When something happens, everyone flees away. So I already knew all that was going to happen. But PETA, they stayed behind me, they stayed with the cause, and that's the reason I came."

Well Gilbert, glad to see that PETA has your back, cause the Washington Wizards, the National Basketball Association and the American Law are certainly keeping you under close watch. When asked whether he was worried about a possible jail sentence, he simply shrugged his shoulders and said "If the judge goes off with the story the papers write, then, yeah. But if he goes off the actual real story, then I have no problems with it."

Later during his talks with the press he came out with another gem. "Basketball is basketball. I don't think people realize that. No matter what city, overseas, D-league, park league - I just want to play." No, no...There's most definitely a difference between the NBA and shooting around at Ringer park. I thought Arenas was a little smarter than that...but maybe its all the same to him because he periodically loses his weekly checks betting online at the Verizon Center. But hey, as long as he's got PETA I guess it's all good.

Picture found at
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Just when you thought that bouncy frog-toad thing has it rough, I just read this story on CNN that says a common weed killer is chemically castrating frogs and turning them into females. Now is that the most effed up this you've ever heard. As a guy, imagine eating a salad and midway through realizing you have no balls anymore.

That is a fate worse than death in my eyes. I am in no means knocking the female gender, it's just that after 22 years of being a dude, I kind of love this shit. Peeing standing up and jumping high, you just can't beat that. A lot of bad things are happening in this world with the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile among other things. Before we notice how bad our lives are, let's just give a quick moment to realize that in less than 48 hours we have seen a toad fall down a mountain, a frog completely wiff on a dragonfly, and the utter realization that a whole bunch of frogs are losing their manhood.

It's a hard-knock life, for them.

Monday, March 1, 2010

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President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper each put a case of beer on the line for their respective countries Sunday during the Men's Hockey Gold Medal game at the Vancouver Olympics. Young phenom Sidney Crosby was able to find the net in OT to put his squad up 3-2, solidifying the W for Canada while forcing a beer run upon our nations leader. Harper is currently waiting for his 24 pack of Molson.

I urge you all to be on the look out for our President as he makes a trip to the packy. It's been rumored for him to make time between his 12:30 health care appointment and 3:30 youtube broadcast. Honestly though, how far down are you at the White House to receive the beer run assignment..."So yeah the Canadian Prime Minister, if you could send him a 24 pack of Molson that would be great. Fed Ex overnight preferred of course."

Now turning my attention to the actual game...That had to be one of the most epic contests in quite some time. I don't even watch hockey but I was glued to the screen for three periods yesterday. Canada nailed the post twice two minutes apart at the start of the third and kept the pressure on. It was unbelievable to see the U.S. stay alive through the block, giving Zach Parise the opportunity to net the tying goal with under a minute left in regulation.

Canada eventually claimed victory and the home crowd went wild to conclude what may go down as their most celebrated win in history.
Enjoy the brew on us Prime Minister.
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Blow this shit up on a projector, get some glass to break, and get ready to snap.

Wait, these are the guys that sang the song that essentially shaped my life? Those three chicks and the dude with the mullet...really? I'm sorry guys, you can turn off your projector, put the mirror back in the bathroom.

Show's over folks. I've been living a lie.
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What a crazy ending. If I was in the stands (I'd be drunk) there is a 100% chance I would have either a) vomited in excitement b) accidentally elbowed a girl in the face, or c) been displeased and wouldn't have cheered because I was jealous.

Either way, congrats to this guy winning the game as a senior on senior night. Congrats to the crowd too. Shit was electric.

You are definitely going to watch this at least 3 times.
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St Louis Cardinals hitting coach, former home run king and steroid God Mark McGwire is extremely upset due to the fact that his brother Jay is set to publish a book in regards to their use of PED's through the years. "You try to be a good person, you try to take care of somebody, be a good brother," said McGwire. "It's sort of sad. It's a sad day for my family. I don't know how a family member could do something like that."

Damn seriously what kind of a sibling would do that?? (maybe a jacked up bodybuilder I don't know). My assumption is that they're wealthy enough to get by...So how greedy can you become and how many more drugs do you need before you pop? I guess steroids haven't been the only issue at the McGwire family picnics.

The Associated Press states: "The brothers haven't spoken since 2002. They fell out after Jay McGwire's stepson, Eric, tickled Mark and caused Mark to spill coffee on himself. Mark then swatted Eric on the backside. Jay's wife, Francine, then refused to attend Mark's wedding." (Way to tell it straight AP). But yeah...Wow...Best of luck to anyone tangled in their lives right now...
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Inside the head of the pebble toad:

Alright, for some reason God just decided to make me the only fucking frog-toad thing that can't really hop. It looks like it'll take me quite some time to reach the top of this mountain. Why am I climbing a mountain anyway? This is a struggle and a half. I'm positive there are bugs on ground level, but I am 2 1/2 feet up, so there's no turning back I guess......

Eh, this trip isn't too bad. Wait..was that a tarantula? There is no reason that a tarantula should be at the top of a god damn mountain. Like I said, bugs are at the ground level. No, no, nooo. You're being dead serious that this is a Pebble Toad eating tarantula? It looks like I was born automatically receiving no whistles in my favor. Can't hop. Check. Shorter than normal arms. Check. A tarantula that specifically eats you and only you. Chickity Check. Well, it didn't see me I don't think. I'll just speed this whole thing up, get my grub on, than bounce my way down. Oh wait. I can't speed up because my body is anatomically inferior in every way. Shit. I'm a downer today, wow. Hopefully I'll bounce back tomorrow (ba-zingg).

Ok, almost there. Hey tarantula, can you skooch over real quick? I didn't take into account that you have double the amount of legs I have and god doesn't hate you. Explains why you're fast. Welp, had a good run.

--After bouncing down--

I hate my life.