Thursday, September 27, 2012

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First off, I have no fucking clue what that second picture means, at all. Secondly, "Daily Blow" and "No Abuse" could have been termed a little differently. Thirdly, Smash Brothers.

Let's brush aside the fact that this study was released a smooth 12 years after the last cartridge was ever blown and think about how preposterous this shit is. Games didn't work, we blew them and they worked. Simple as that. Don't need beakers and Bunsen burners to figure that out. Sure there were more extreme methods, but blowing it got it done at least 85% of the time (I've never been more confident in a completely made-up percentage).

Did those scientist know about the "alignment" trick? I bet that wasn't in the lab report. You remember when games wouldn't work unless you angled the cartridge in correctly? Pretty sure Donkey Kong was straight up broken unless it was at a 177 degree angle. Eff what you heard, science is stupid.

FYI, "Extreme Methods" included:

-licking your finger and dusting the cartridge yourself

-involving rubbing alcohol for no reason

-asking Mom to buy Q-Tips

-crying until things fixed themselves

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

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Exhibit A:

-Yes, that's Shawn Carter laying on the ground in post-break-dance pose.

-Dude's worth 500 MILLION dollars and he's laying on a dusty ass floor wearing tongue floppin' Timbs like it's 1999.

-Cocky office

-If they lose every single game, we'll get to see the gravy face on permanent expression:

-Upset that he has Beyonce

Exhibit B:

-Bey infected the fashion design team with a hoochtastic disease

-These bitches look like confused zebras

-Pre-pubescent boys will have no idea who Deron Williams is, but will know the entire cheerleading roster.

-Jerry Stackhouse is pushing 38 years old. Prime heart attack age.

-Within 2 months, Andray Blatche is going to take half the cheerleaders and start a strip club that serves a "Steak and Shake" steak and lapdance special for $21.99.

Hope all ya'll tear your MCL.
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(I guess 7-Up was a black game?)

Were you a cool kid? I bet we'd all like to say yes, but there was no set way to determine whether or not you were a respected individual. Sure you could have been smart, funny, and athletic, but nothing set the bar for cool more definitively than 7-Up and Duck-Duck-Goose.

No one wanted to be the kid left assed-out in the middle of the war zone that was 7-Up. Seeing everyone giggle and make jokes at the end was the worst feeling when you slowly thought to yourself, "Was I the only one that didn't get his thumb tapped?" Obviously you can play the "I was sleep, I wouldn't have felt it anyway" card, but that's just desperate and sad. It just means you have to go home, work on picking up social cues/norms and get 'em next time. A young Dub J saw both sides. Sometimes I was always picked and ran the show like a the cool kid in a Disney movie. Other times I had the coldest, most unattended to thumb in the room. Faked many a nap during the thumb tap drought of '95. If your kid isn't getting picked in 7-Up by the 5th grade, you may have a dud.

Duck-Duck-Goose was basically a game of "Do I like you?", "Do I really know you?", and "Do I hate you?" Nothing more, nothing less. If people liked you, they picked you and everyone had a blast. You never picked anyone you didn't know because you can't run the risk of picking a loose cannon or an impossibly clumsy kid. And sometimes you picked people you hated because you knew they hated running and were too slow to catch anyone. Again, I have been in all 3 spots. As a liked individual, you pick your best friends and chicks you had crushes on--it was as solid a time as a youth could have for 10 minutes. When I wasn't known, it was just a roll of the dice. If I got picked, an olive branch of friendship and interaction was extended and if I wasn't I'd complain to my mom that everyone hated me. And lastly, if I was hated, DDG could easily turn into a fight. When the wrong person picks you at the wrong time and you collide, fists could very well be thrown. I'm like 3-2 in DDG related fights. Some embarrassing Ls.

This blog may have been completely obvious to most of you, but if I could let just one person out there know they were the class weirdo, uncool pariah when they thought they were the shit, I did my job.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

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^Fuck the UK Pig Group

The Mayans won. Santa Claus isn't real. The moon landing was fake. And no one's cat/dog ever mysteriously ran away. They died.

Nothing is right anymore, bacon has been compromised. How are their still the same amount of pigs, but less bacon?! Things aren't even trying to make sense right now. Farmers don't feel like herding? Well, shit, I don't feel like blogging right now and you don't see business plummeting over here.

What becomes of bacon cheeseburgers? Do we have to sell all of our stock in omelettes? So many depressing ass questions and all I can do is seethe in my own thoughts.

If any of you suggest "turkey" bacon, find the nearest roof and leap off.

Monday, September 24, 2012

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Once you get past the lack of sleep, constant contact with poop and urine, random crying, spontaneous vomiting, no quality time with your significant other and utter hatred of people without kids, babies aren't too terrible.

Most of the time they're cute and give you an entirely new sense of responsibility. Add in the fact that you can use them to mop up your mess and their value has increased nearly ten-fold. I mean, they crawl around all day anyway, right? Why not have them learn work ethic and responsibility literally from day one?

I know what you're thinking: Germs. And my response is: Do you see that baller-ass suit this chubby Asian baby has on? That shit just screams hypo-allergenic. Spill all the red wine and apple juice you want now that you have a live-action liquid Roomba in your house.

...Just kidding, this looks like baby slavery. Which is adorably/hilariously cruel.
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Fellow creepers, derelicts, and degenerates, I apologize, but something has to be said.

When the word "trace" is used during standard internet browsing you know something is terribly, terribly wrong. As a proud user of Incognito Mode, I can confidently say that it is used for nothing good. You don't check your bank account in Incognito Mode. You don't go on CNN or MSNBC. Hell, I don't even know if you go on Facebook. It's strictly for the times you want to "get weird."

As an aging creeper, I don't really have much in my repertoire as far sketchy shit goes. I usually keep it simple with the obvious "I'm a dude and alone in my room" past-time and LinkedIn, strictly because of that "These People Looked At Your Profile" feature. I need to move in silence when I judge people's career path. I'm sure some of you readers have tested even murkier waters. I'm not telling you to tell me about them in the comments (certainly encouraged), but I am letting you know that the world is on to you (us?). The jig is up. Buy a one-way ticket to Iceland and buy an IBM ThinkPad from 2002.

This guy:
Says everything that needs to be said about Incognito Mode.

Friday, September 21, 2012

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Did Apple do it again? I think they did. It's like Stevie Jobs Thriller'd his way into the the Apple offices, pushed a few buttons and BAM, super-accurate maps.

Hoover Dam:
Ah, the infamous "Death Dip" at the Hoover Dam. No greater landmark than the 3000ft drop you experience while sightseeing out the minivan window. Apple captured it wonderfully.

The Eiffel Tower:
What everyone forgets to realize is that the Eiffel Tower isn't actually a tower...and it's located near a strip mall and a lot of wind turbines. Once you get past those things, it's all romance, proposals and high society living.

Toronto Airport Looks Good:
Winding, loopy, bumpy, vomit-inducing airport runways is apparently what's hot in Toronto. Looks like the city planner got hopped up on Jamison and amphetamines, played Sim City 3000, copied and pasted that, shouted "YOLO!", and presented this to management. Looks good.

Which Map is Right?
Obviously the Apple Map telling you to turn directly into a restaurant window is right. Duh.

If you're not running into walls and putting yourself in mortal danger with super-fast browsing speeds, you probably didn't download iOS6.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

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The Unusable Pencil:
-No worse feeling in middle school then sharpening your pencil and seeing one half lead, one half wood. The most annoying conundrum to ever afflict an 11 year old. Do I use my finger to brush that excess wood down or do I just tell Mom to stop with the cheap shit and buy some Papermate mechanical pencils?

Perforated Line Disaster:
We've all been here. Fun fact, I did this with my SAT. Just fucked it up right off the bat. Should have received a zero on the spot because "tearing the test" is essentially Question 1. All in all, I persevered and became a successful blogger with tons of fake internet money and a bright future.

I would throw 4 pairs of shoes in this thing's direction and if I found out that it wasn't killed I'd have to take some extreme measures. Leave the house, burn the house, rip my Social Security Card, buy a ticket to the Dominican Republic, open a Frozen Yogurt shop and forget about my past life.

There's a Little Left:
A test of human will. You know that you're straight up out of toothpaste, but you will break your wrist to get just a little sliver. That sliver won't be enough to clean your teeth, but dammit, you won. You survived another day without plague, gingivitis, but you know your breath is still disgusting. Willpower. Humanity. Spirit.

That bug is fucking terrifying. 1046 legs is never the move.

Thanks to Holy Taco.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

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^without a doubt, one of the most important songs of my life

Pokemon thoughts. Add yours in the comments

-Magikarp was about that life
Couldn't see forward, didn't care. He still jumped into battle, took a LEGITIMATE ass-whooping, splashed around a bit and collected his experience points like a blue collar worker. Didn't complain once. A level 70 Charizard ain't no thing when you're mildly retarded and don't understand why you exist.

-How were Pokemon able to have conversations when they could only say their names?

Never made sense to me. Two Pikachus could talk for like 45 minutes saying only the word, "Pikachu." If that's the case, there had to be at least 100,000 inflections, pronunciations, and volumes of that damn word.

-Did anyone try to beat the game with a bunch of wack-ass Pokemon?

Did anyone march out a squad of Rattata, Metapod, Lickitung, Jynx, Tauros, Ditto, Eggsecute, and Nidoran ♂? Just a trash ass squad that lost most of the matches they participated in with the least creative attacks. Lickitung weirding everyone out, Rattata tail-whipping foes until they threw up on themselves and Metapod getting hard as a motherfucker. It'd be a privilege to lose to "The Replacements" of the Pokemon world.

-I lost to Gary in that first match one time

Never admitted this until today. You know that first match where you are automatically set to win? Yeah, I lost that. One time I messed around and decided to use "Leer" instead of tackle two times in a row. Got cocky and felt the burn.

-Remember battling people with the link cable?

Went to school with my velcro wallet that had no money in it, a single key that didn't open any door in my house, my lunch bag and my link cable. I once went 10-0 in one day and had the "Juice" for a little while.

-Jynx was a racially insensitive, black-transvestite prostitute

-I walked around the Casino and pressed A at least 100,000 times.

You know what I'm talking about

-Misty though?

-Safari Zone
Sometimes you have to charge it to the game and throw the Master Ball at a Tauros. Caught Mewtwo with a Great Ball. #Swerve

-I watched this video "researching" for this blog

.....I fully understand that if you didn't like Pokemon, you will probably never read this blog again.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

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I know I wanted emotion out of that hilariously complacent monkey below this post, but smiling lizards is where I draw the line.

I don't think anything has needed to die more than this smiling lizard. Sure, people are going to be like, "But Dub, it's SO cute." Eff that noise. Lizards can't smile. What's next? They learn the ability to reason and develop posable thumbs? Nah, I ain't trying to be around for that.

Smiling lizards begin and end with:

Anything else is just silly and unnatural.
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Why the....regular face, bro? Did something completely average just happen? I'm so fascinated with this newly discovered monkey, it doesn't make sense.

Like, I want to entertain and disappoint this monkey more than anything in the world. Just ellicit some kind of emotional reaction from this son of a bitch. Don't look at me like you've seen the entire world and are bored with it.

PS. How weird is it that we're still discovering animals? Did one scientist see this thing and scream out, "Oh shit, I just discovered a monkey"? Are there more? If so, how average/standard/kinda, but not really underwhelming is the area?

PPS. I want this thing as a pet badly, but I feel like I'd never be able to impress it.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

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Stunning picture.

Use 9/11 as a day to reflect on those that lost their lives, the heroes that risked themselves to save others and the spirit of this great country. Don't use it as an opportunity to hashtag the cheap phrase "#NeverForget."

We will all remember where we were on this fateful day eleven years ago. I hope that each year we continue to honor this day with the same ferocity, eloquence and pride that make the USA the USA.

Proud to live here. Proud to be from New York City.
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Oh lawd, I can't even breath right now. I can barely type without it looking like I just had a stroke. But this is THAT SERIOUS. I got a free fucking burrito. How many people can go through their life and say that? Obese southerners would literally kill for the opportunity I just had. Hell, this is going on my fictional wall of fame along with being SICK at Super Smash Bros. and being worth $3000 fake internet blog dollars.

So do I buy like 25 lotto tickets? Should I start wild'n out on the street? I think it's in the bylaws that if you acquire a free burrito via the credit card machine being broken and you not having cash on you, it is basically diplomatic immunity. I already robbed a Best Buy and a Coldstone.

Sweet baby Jesus! We made it in Americaaaa

Thursday, September 6, 2012

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Wait, the ocean has giant jellyfish that eat dudes now? I've never been a fan of the vastness of the ocean and those terrifying prehistoric fish that live at the bottom, but this is officially ridiculous. It gets realer than real when giant spaghetti mushrooms are eating scuba divers. Done with the ocean.

PS. Are jellyfish the garbage bags of the ocean?
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^Quite possibly the most disgusting and offensive video that I have ever seen

I have no words. I expect this out of the North, but the South? Come on, ya'll. I'd like to think you were above dump-taking dolls.

(Pictures with what this gaseous monstrosity probably said)

"Hi everybody! Oh, don't mind me, I'm just taking a shit! Lol :)"

"WHAT IS MY MOTHER FEEDING ME? And why is one of the poos pleased and the other so disappointed?!"

(Editors Note: This bitch is REALLY saying bye to her poop right now)
"Bye poo!! I will miss you!!"

"WHY IS SPECIAL K W/BERRIES GIVING ME SUCH BAD GAS? Why aren't there any cartoonish plastic Tums? :("

"Why'd they make Kong Suni?"

South Korea doing North Korea-like things. Concerned.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

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What the hell, Syria? I'm just out here trying to produce some poorly written, tasteless jokes to make people's lives suck a little less during the week. Who are you to rain on my parade? If anything, I aim to provide refuge in a wartorn country. Unite people. Instead of fighting, death and destruction, you all can go home and complain about how much WMD sucked tonight or that I forgot to punctuate something.

Don't go on CNN and bash me. I'm trying to build a brand and you can't build a brand without taking over the Syrian market first. That's Marketing 101. Now I have to start from the ground up, print some blogs, staple them together and book a flight to Mesopotamia. It may not look it, but being the 6742nd ranked blogger in the world isn't all sugarplums and rainbows. Sometimes you cause political unrest and get called things like, "The reason WW3 might start." Day in the life.

PS. Don't think I don't see you lady. With your fake hair, gaspy expression, and exaggerated map behind you. Get off your high horse.

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Anytime you can spend close to 100 million dollars on some VERY scary off-brand Teletubbies, you have to do it, right? It's common economic knowledge that grossing .0075% of your total expenditure is a recipe for continued success.

Great golly, this movie looks like hot garbage mixed with sad puppies. Plus it has Jamie Presley in it, which is always bad news. Chick hasn't turned down a movie role in like 10 years. Should have gotten out of the game after "Not Another Teen Movie." It's tough being an ambiguously raced, huge headed, monster-like creature trying to make your way in this world, I get it. But don't ride around bikes like everything is ok. It's really not. An average of TEN people went to your movie per day for like 9 days. You ended careers. You were somehow THREE TIMES the budget of Magic Mike.

So if there is one thing to take away from this is that you can give .0075% at work today and everything should be alright.

Monday, September 3, 2012

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If you're between the ages of 20 and 26 you have to be balling your eyes out right now. I don't even know why I posted this, but I'm almost positive that this quantifies all of the bad things that happened at different points in my life.

Mufasa's death is still unwatchable for me anytime Lion King is on. I always "have to go to the bathroom" or "heard the doorbell ring" when the stampede starts. Ash getting turned to stone straight up didn't make sense and that made it even sadder. I had the same "What the fuck?" look that Pikachu had on his face. And lastly, Steve from Blue's Clues. While I was getting a little old for that show, I used to most definitely sneak a few eps in when I got a chance. To this day, Steve is the most effective, practical drawer I have ever seen. Made a vacuum cleaner a two-pencil-stroke operation. When he left, we lost someone special. Blue is so confused.

WMD, where your childhood goes to die.
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It's like Steve from Blue's Clues got twisted on crystal meth and drew all over some sleeping dude's chest.

Pretty sure this is offensive to the following demographics: religious fantatics, kinda religious people, non-religious people, artists, Seth McFarlane because this guy stole the Peter Griffin nose, bloggers and mostly the guy that got tatted. Cot damn this shit is hilarious. So much detail on the towel, but he quickly veered off the side of the road with this little mishap:

Just a small, wishbone shaped line to represent a diety's midsection. I have to respect him for continuing though. The guy proceeded to throw the idea of symmetry out the window and started to have fun. Oblong torso, 8 fingers on one hand, 4 on the other, and the ill "(" sad face. It doesn't get better because it can't get much worse.

Love the rounded points on the cross. So detailed.