Thursday, December 31, 2009

// //

I want all you out there to have a happy and SAFE new year. Keep in mind, I am saying this knowing full on that there is a 75% chance I am going to legitimately die this weekend. Like, go to New York City during NYE with no definite sleeping location. Nah, but seriously guys, be safe out there. Drink only the recommended amount of alcohol for your size and weight or else you'll be black out by 10:30 and "miss" the celebration for the 4th straight year. Wait, that was just me? Damn. Life reevaluation starts in 2010 folks.

Again, I have a 25% chance of meeting 2010, so if I do make it, I'll have a shit-ton of resolutions starting with...wait for it...getting a new site. Gasp!

See you guys in 2010!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

// //

Frankly, it's cold as shit outside and I made the stupid decision of buying the local 7 Eleven out of all of it's White Castle Cheeseburgers. It's a terrible decision on make on a weekly basis. Normally, I make that play on a drunken night after getting out of the cab and realizing there isn't a god damn morsel of food in my house. When I am making it on a Tuesday mid-evening, things are not good. My judgment is a tad clouded so that made this trailer even more confusing to me.

From what I gather, Leonardo DiCaprio is trying to steal a dreidel that makes water tilt to the side. That's it. I'll pay the $10.50 though since Leo never ceases to deliver. He does the damn thing in all front of life. I've seen the guy hit the 25 point shot in "Rock'n Jock" basketball for crying out loud. So Leo, whatever crazy movie you got planned, I am probably going to watch it. You have reached Andre 3000 status in that whatever you put out will be gold.

Hopefully I'll be there one day. If I ever reach that point, I will test my staying power by coming out with a song (with an accompanying video) titled "The Morning Routine." It'll chronicle the hardships of hearing your alarm, debating suicide, showering, and eventually getting dressed. If the song is anywhere in the Billboard Top 100, I know I am on that Leo and Andre level.

Monday, December 28, 2009

// //

(What I loved best about this is that the first video in the "related videos" section, was "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga)

I thought this would be an easy one for Mario seeing how Pac-Man is basically a one-trick pony. This Russian interpreter, for some reason, took away Pac-Man's blank coked out stare and gave him a vicious mean streak. Frankly, I feel like Mario won on a technicality because Pac-Man brought the ghosts in. I thought the ghosts and Pac-Man weren't down like that, since, you know, Pac-Man eats them and turns them into points. Points! I digress.

I didn't like how gruesome it got. Sure it was Russian, but I didn't think it was going to end with an impaling and a decapitation. I'm sure things could have been resolved with a star-man or a large orb. What do I know though.
// //

I was too busy getting sauced and greeting loved ones to make a post. "My Bad"

For the loyal four people that are still reading this ol' hunk'a junk, I'm back ya'll.

Monday, December 21, 2009

// //

-Doesn't look like this at all..

Maybe it's where I currently live, but I feel like Christmas is being half-assed. I see some piss poor Christmas tree lighting down the street and maybe 2-4 street lights in the whole area. How am I supposed to get enthused? This is currently my 5th year in Boston and each year presents the same problem...winter. Granted, I am from the Northeast and snow has been commonplace my entire life, but these are my formative years. Can I at least go to the bar without walking in with my nose running?

I live atop a can imagine the problem that presents. While I am a tremendous athlete with near superhuman balance, you can't expect me not to have a few "close-calls" out there. Close calls meaning that slip where your foot kicks up a little higher than expected off the ground and you mutter a soft, yet terrified "whoaa nelly" (everyone does it), recover yourself, and look around to see if anyone saw. Of course someone sees, you then play it off, try to walk, faster and do it again. I hit the vicious circle on my god damn walk to work. And now, to get my Jerry Seinfeld on...

What's the deal with snowflakes? I've never seen one that looked cool. They are, in fact jagged. It's not fun and games when snow falls and one of those sharp bastards kamikazes into your retina. Now you're having close calls, blinded in one eye. Not a good look.

It's cold as balls out all the time. Like no breaks. If part of your arm is exposed under your coat, you are weighing the pros and cons of death. That's not a way to live. This leads me to my next point. Girls. The female "uniform" emerges. As my friend, and fellow blogger Andy stated, "every girl looks the same in a North Face." It's depressing, but true because 97% of girls connect mentally and say, "let's all wear our North Face fleece, black tights, and brown Uggs and act like we're warm and still hot." Doesn't work. If we have to have snot come out of our nose, you guys lose your individuality. Tough shit.

There is plenty more to gripe about, but I am attempting to pound out season 4 of Dexter, eat a sandwich and post at the same time. Something's gotta give.

Good night.

// //

Kudos to you if you can speak words after watching this. Hell, kudos if you made it through the entire video. I was in when that old school started playing, but I was quickly out when the creature that only has one pupil with a surrounding eyeball ate the remote. What the hell is wrong with the Wii? First that very questionable "Beat Up The Guy That Jacked My Protein" game and now this Furby-Gremlin hybrid?

Wii execs are kind of like that guy who has been on such a hot streak with ladies. He brings hotties on the regular and knows that he can say and do no wrong. The fishing-with-dynamite concept. Wii brings home a couple dimes (Wii Fit, Mario, etc), then thinks, "you know, I am already an established stud and I don't really want to put in the effort tonight..ehh, I'll take home a dog."

While that analogy was long-winding and possibly made no sense, we are watching you Wii. We saw you create this game. You can't chalk this one up to being too drunk either, because you fucking thought long and hard enough to create a game where the remote (?) eats..the remote?

I have no idea what's happening. What happened to Duck Hunt and Battle Toads?
// //

If you put a gun to my head and ask me all of my memories of this year, it'd pretty much come down to celebrity deaths, and winning my first intramural championship, and, oh yea, crying like a bitch on my graduation day why parents and onlookers pointed and laughed..ahem. This video sums up why this year will get about 13 good minutes on VH1's eventual "I Love The 2000s"(or I love the 00s?, those marketing guys are shitting their pants). What a dud to end a pretty huge decade.

I'll remember 2009 as the year my life effectively ended. It'll also go down as the time I blacked out for 7 months and wrote a blog. Oh well, cheers to 2009 anyway.

It's like that shitty child that you're obligated to love since it was a big part of your life, but in the greater scheme of things, was still really shitty.
// //

This is like some shit off the "Reading Rainbow." A lot of colors and strange things happening, with terrible, god awful acting occurring in the background. Kevin Garnett commercials are becoming more and more unbelievable. There is no way KG can interact with another human(s) without dropping a few mother-f-bombs. It's unrealistic, like some one shot him with a tranquilizer dart and gave him some blind instructions. I was also convinced Derrick Rose couldn't speak.

It's clear here that Adidas is desperate to compete with Nike, so they enlisted the help of the craziest man in the league and the NBA's version of Brick. Can't knock the hustle, but you'll never see Dubby McJeez rockin' the stripes.

Friday, December 18, 2009

// //

I wish I was like Ron Artest and Kid Cudi. I could just punch all my problems away and drink Hennessey in the bathroom during halftime of my work league games. The world don't work like that. So, it looks like Cudi is off that Lady Gaga tour (aka the tour that would have made him a lot of money) and he will now be deemed as a violent rapper.

The stoner-psychedelic music of Kid Cudi will resonate with a man of violence, while The Game can rap about getting shot even MORE times than 50 and be seen dressed like this (rappers don't marry the girls they impregnate...duhh).

2012 is upon us.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

// //

Clearly, I got nothing on this tiger. He looks to not only have the Penny Hardaway shoes on, but he's rockin' the Sperrys in case he has to get on a boat soon. "Oh, don't worry about finding a set of keys the get the shotty goin', I gots fangsss"

Sweet shades too. Guy gets tons of ass. Merry Christmas Bro-Tiger

// //

Can't tell if this is the nerdiest thing I have ever seen or the coolest thing. That's never good. I can tell you that in some circles this family is the shit and for others, they are officially black-balled from all neighborhood functions. Whatever though, any publicity is good publicity.

This reminds me, I used to play Rock Band like all the time. Really, all the time. In boxer shorts, glasses, with the microphone dangling from a shelf held up by the weight of a clothing iron...I miss that game.

If you can't sense it yet, it's Christmas time. Break out the mistletoe bitchesss.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

// //

-I think they are waltzing? Definitely have to get on my shit and stop booty scraping all over Boston bars and nightclubs--what up Juiceman?! Haha

Let's break down the middle school dance sociology for a second. Of course we are going to break it down from the perspective of a young, suave, 8th grade Dub Jeezy.

I wake up the day of the dance in a cold sweat, near the point of pissing my pants, because guess what? I have to dance with a girl that night. Who prepared me for this? Damn sure wasn't Cinemax. School is just a god damn minefield on dance day (D-day? Normandy? I'll stop), with most of the kids walking on egg shells, rethinking their dates and shit (and realizing that you don't have a date because you would have thrown up if you asked her). While I was the man, I was definitely unable to put together a snazzy outfit. My mother re-edited my digs like 4 times. Just straight disappointed in her kid, fearing for her possibilities as a grandmother. I then loaded on some awful cologne, got there and definitely blacked out.

That is like a memory I can't recall for the life of me. There was no punch to spike and still there is no recollection of the events of that night. I vaguely recall accidentally touching a butt and getting the hell out of there. It was the fuckin' Civil War out there. Guys manning one side and girls running this town on the other. Obviously you had the weirdos sprinkled in there dancing their asses off, but they didn't represent a blip on the radar. It was a problem then and now that I realize it, it's a problem now.

While I have improved my women skills over the years, one thing is still for certain. Guys will always be on one side and girls on the other. Always has been that way, always will. First girls had cooties (which I fully believed to be a real disease, check my 3rd grade journal), then girls were hot, but your feet were made of stone so you couldn't walk to them. Next, girls recognized their attractiveness and used it to their advantage, making us (guys) jump through hoops/buy expensive things/act a damn fool for them, now guys and girls at my specific age have a force field around each other so neither side knows what the hell to do. It's like a prison break at this stage. Some make it out and some just stay in the prison walls. I'm currently the guy digging his way out of his cell with a plastic spoon. No expectations just hope out here in the concrete jungle. Sure one day, I'll have a breakthrough, but overall, early 20s is the fight of your life. There's no telling what's around the corner and you have to make things happen or they won't happen at all.

Needless to say, I have a metal spoon now, and I have been pounding through DVDs of Oz. Night ya'll.

// //
(The French writing makes me more likely to purchase from them)

In the "I swear I am not gay" defense of the year (not that anything is wrong with that, I just don't want to deter my adoring (LOLZ) female fans) I spent an inordinate amount of time perusing and making several purchases from the H&M store.

Before you toss the purple flag, you must realize that I have never been to one of these stores during any part of my grand existence. Frankly, I thought it was a women's store. It's not far off. Walking in you see mostly womens clothes, a strong majority of gay men, and (strangely) old women that look confused just being there. Myself and my buddy were in the strong minority. My apprehensiveness was instantly removed by the playing of the classic party romp "Just Dance." That's when everyone bonded and let their guard down. We were all just customers at that point, with some of us liking V-neck shirts and skinny jeans more than others. I think the store brought everyone to a solid metro-sexual level. The gay guys became a little more straight and the straight guys..gulp..became a little more gay.

Say what you want about that establishment, but you show me a place where I can get 2 quality T-shirts, a nice scarf, and some gloves for like $18. Don't give me that CVS or Dollar Store bullshit either. Three Wendy's meals=my purchase (It really is sad that I base my life purchases on fast food meals, i.e.-I was going to buy a video game, but thought to myself "man, that's like 12 Big Mac meals, I probably should hold off." I am going to die young). Where was I? Oh yea, H&M. Good store, go in there with an open mind and you may come out surprised with a little more change in your pocket for let's say...a...Quarter Pounder?!

I feel like this should be a permanent disclaimer, but I am not drunk. And no Lance, I'm not gay!

Friday, December 11, 2009

// //

EMBED-Outtakes From Bill The Fishing Guy - Watch more free videos


My company's holiday party is Saturday. Next time I blog I may not have a job due to my actions on said evening. Anywayssss, have a great weekend everyone and try to stay warm.
// //

Tell me this video doesn't give you chills. Frankly anything with this song tied to it will get some tears in my eyes. Teletubbies scenes with this song, tears. Watching the theme song to "Family Matters" with this song..waterworks. God damn symphony orchestras, they get me every time.

A.I. is back in a 76ers uniform and I couldn't be more happier.

Probably the most epic basketball highlight video though:

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

// //

If you haven't seen this yet check it out. The Shy Jeezy video will be videotaped this Saturday at my company's business party. Just wait until the pretty girl leaves the room, then it's SHY JEEZY, BITCH, STRAIGHT RUNNIN' SHIT.

Uhhmmm...just check out the video.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

// //

I was never great with Legos. I swallowed a bunch of key pieces and things never really came to fruition after that. I had my moments with those "ship" shaped Lego's re-enacting the Battle of Normandy and sweet shit like that. Never have I had a moment like this.

Where were my Hummer pieces though? I feel like George Mikan runnin' shit in the NBA in the 50s. Take me out of the early 90s and throw me with the modern Legos and I'll crumble. I'd try to lodge the Hummer Lego down my throat and inevitably die. That's why some players (people) are meant for certain times.

...I rarely have an idea what I am writing.

Monday, December 7, 2009

// //

At first glance this video is pretty sick and revolutionary, but when you let it sit for a few minutes you have to be a little creeped out.

Search "Dub Jeezy" on Google and who knows what real time search results will bring up. I'm like 24020100 steps away from being a trending topic on Twitter and that scares me. I don't want the whole world knowing how many girls want me and how many guys want to be me. We have to leave something to the imagination Google.

Google aka Skynet, I have my eyes on you.

DISCLAIMER: I didn't mean anything I just wrote in the event that you would ever offer me a job doing anything within your company. This includes, but is not limited to cleaning keyboards and the insides of computer mice. If you don't ever offer me a position in the future, the post stands. So there!
// //

From what I gathered through the frantic Japanese rambling, the game's premise follows 4 muscle clad protagonists chasing after a presumed football player. The reason? The football player stole their protein powder. A killable offense by all accounts, but do you really make a game out of it. That's kind of something you handle on the down low.

Now tell me, for real, is this the wackiest game you've ever seen, because it sure is for me.

The game does create a great new adage:

"If you can't make the pose, you can't run through the wall in front of you"

...err something.

Friday, December 4, 2009

// //

My theory has proved incorrect that Zydraunas Ilgauskas actually contributes to the team socially. Who would have thunk?

Have a great weekend everyone and pretend that white stuff we see coming out of the sky isn't snow.
// //

When I started up this crazy idea to make a blog, some people were telling me it was a good idea and some were telling me it was a terrible idea. Two of those people that liked what I was doing and enjoyed reading what I had to say took the initiative and made their own blog. It is a great feeling to know this rag tag idea inspired people to really go out there and chase what they want to do.

Blog #1: My Domain My Claims--Focuses primarily on the sports and entertainment world with a humorous tone and in-depth analysis. Here's an excerpt:

What can you say to Ron Artest..The guy has done it all. He once pulled down Paul Pierce's shorts mid-game because he couldn't stop him. He punched out fans after an altercation escalated between him and Ben Wallace. He took a seat in the stands after the Rockets won over the Trail Blazers in a playoff series. The list just keeps going...So here's to you Ron. continue reading

Blog #2: Spellgirl--This blog chronicles the day-to-day experience of a freshman college girl attending Saint Lawrence University in Canton, NY. Excerpt:

Last CBL day was today.

I have to say, I was kind of sad to leave. But I got a big chocolate bar for helping out, so I wasn't too upset. Also, I did a good deed by dropping one of my passengers off at the dorm (our dorm, Reiff, is across campus from where I have to park, so I was nice enough to drop her at the dorm before parking the car... Secretly, it's because I don't like having to walk back across campus with people awkwardly, haha... unless it's a cute guy, then maybe I'll make an exception, haha). continue reading.

--These two were instrumental to me getting this far in my blog and I want to show my appreciation for what they've done for me. Check 'em out.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

// //

Pure genius. I'm marching my way up the hill to get on their level.
// //

If I had the resources, I would do a live webcam eating of this sandwich for you all to see. Ok, you got me, I have the resources, but I don't want you guys to watch what would happen as I attempted to eat a triple baconator. I once ate the regular baconator and missed Tuesday-Thursday of that week. Shit is no laughing matter.

If I were to do this, I would need a few things:

1) A toilet--I don't want to explain.

2) Defibrillator--Just to play with, I think these things are sweet. Pfft, me have a heart attack? I'm in awesome shape.

3) 32ozs of Fruitopia--nothing tops off saturated fat like high fructose corn syrup.

4) My Mother--If I cry, it's all good.

5) The Wendy's equivalent of the Burger King crown--If i'm going to do this shit, I will need some sort of memorabilia to showboat to my children before my untimely heart related death in the year 2022.

The coolest form of suicide this way of the Mississippi, ladies and gentleman, the Triple Baconator.
// //

Come on. I can't make a Sour Patch Kids wrapper in the garbage 3 feet away from me and LeBron's throwing footballs in hoops from 90 feet away.

In the game of life, I feel like I am getting Tim Donaghy'd.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

// //

If that were me in high school I would have gotten the rebound and not shot it because that'd ruin my shooting percentage and that ain't baller. Jokes aside, I wouldn't have been able to do a one arm chuck from that distance and even have it close to drawing iron. I'd have to do some running, borderline traveling two handed heave to even have a chance (I did hit a shot from the opposite 3 point line in a game before).

This kid literally has a rifle for an arm. I don't know how it's even conceivable that this kid is not dating the homecoming queen/hot cheerleader/both. This is what living the dream and where "living in the past" develops.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

// //

Waffles McFuckin Butter, where the hell have you been all my life? Why hasn't a cartoon been made about your misadventures with various other breakfast sidekicks? Sausage Linkskin and Bacon O'Slice sound about right. Am I drunk? No. I am just a man with a vision.

I don't get Dubs McB at all though. He's wearing a Santa hat and apparently a blue speed suit that wraps around a waffle-shaped body. Tons of confusion coupled with a bunch of joy and happiness basically sums up my boy Waffles. Imagine going to a bar with this guy. No chance for you to pick up a girl.

Once I learn how to draw and handle legal issues with the person who created Dubbie McButter-man, expect to see my name in connection with the creator/producer/guy in the McButter suit in the credits.

The future is coming. And his name is Waffles

Monday, November 30, 2009

// //
Pretty much the same exact videos...


// //

Women. You say that word to any stranger on the street and they could tell you a tale and a half. They fluster us, make us look and sound stupid, and most of all, embarrass the shit out of us.

I am at the gym minding my own business, trying to get my swell on and put a few shots up when this girl comes by to disrupt my flow. I've determined a really good/creative name for this type of girl: a disruptor. She's plays the real life equivalent to that big ass pog that's only role was the fuck shit up. The disruptor is generally really really hot and wears clothes you know he mama wouldn't let her wear to the gym. She walks by and I start sweating. Keep in mind, it's like 49 degrees in the gym.

Everywhere I walk I somehow ended up in her path doing that "are you going right, because I am going left, wait you're going left? Shit I better go right" awkward thing. I'm flabbergasted by what's just happened here. I walked over to the dumbbell section to get away and regroup. The girl is on the other side touching her toes in my direction. What's a fella to do? I mistakenly stared until I burnt a hole in her butt. Again, I am flabbergasted and beside myself, so I don't realize that she is seeing me staring in the mirror. Here's where I pull the "Diddy." I stand there and keep staring. If I walk away that means she wins right? What? God dammit. She had kind of a blank stare on her face as I got the hell of there. It was more of a "I just saw a car crash" look. I proceeded to the locker room, put my clothes on in 17 seconds and turned my Usain Bolt on.

Needless to say, I am going back to the gym tomorrow to stare again...
// //

Three of my family members pronounced me dead several times this weekend because of turkey-induced coma, but alas, I am alive. Well rested and generally miserable to be back in Boston, I was able to make several observations over the weekend.

--How was Shrek the float this year at the parade? Didn't that movie come out like 8 years ago? 85% of the kids had no idea what that float was or they got the cheap extra shitty experience of watching it on DVD in the back of the mini-van. Coach Spongebob just threw the red challenge flag.

--I feel like I was blacked out drunk during both the NFL games on Thanksgiving. No idea who played and what the scores were. All I know is that I thought it was a good idea to sit Miles Austin. Shit. Keep in mind, I drank no alcohol on Thanksgiving. Damn you turkey-induced coma...

--Finally saw the "Notorious" movie. I simply couldn't buy Tupac being played by the guy who got killed by Eminem at the end of 8-Mile. It went from tragedy to comedy in an instant.

--Attempted Black Friday. My phone read 12:39 when I woke up. I feared for my mother as she braved the storm..

--I ended up watching the "Videophone" video like 28 times. Number 28 was definitely the best time.

--Got some embarrassing Call of Duty hand injuries. It's fine.

--Tiger Woods proves that the hoe-er the berry the sweet the juice. I literally have no idea what that means. Again, still catching residual effects of that satanic turkey-induced coma. He must have popped in Ludacris' "Area Codes" and embarked on a countrywide search. It looked like he broke Luda's wireless provider's range and got some Australian Ho-bag Skankaloon. The sketchy ass "Tiger's wife rescued him from the crash with a golf clubs and Tiger only had face lacerations" excuse did not fly with this guy. I called up the gumshoes and we did some investigating. Actually, TMZ did. Can't fault you Tiger, in another world (this one), I would do the same thing.

--Met the girl of my dreams on the trip back from Boston. Literally a perfect match type of situation. Talked to her for literally 8 hours about nothing. I would have sold my Playstation and got a shitty wedding ring on the spot. Then she told me she had a boyfriend. Damn.

...then again, it could have been another one of those blackout dreams created by that son of bitch turkey induced coma. Good to be back guys.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

// //

I am on a Greyhound Bus right now with the pissest of poor Wi-Fi, so I wasn't able to watch the video in it's entirety. From what I saw though, it was on some next level shit. Just when you think those crazy muppets were comfortably spending their retirement money along the water in Florida they decide to wow us again.

Kudos to you Muppets, kudos to you.

Monday, November 23, 2009

// //

I ask the question of why? 90% of these falls warrant that reaction. Like, why did that kid run into the bushes?

Why did that kid not notice there was a ledge when he was riding his tricycle?

I'm not going to lie here, when I have a kid I will keep a video camera on hand at all times because by default, he will be dumb. I'm trying to win that $10,000 prize on "Which Kid is The Dumbest" aka "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Friday, November 20, 2009

// //

No, I don't read Twilight, but I do know people that swear by it (spellgirl?). It's the hottest thing since cocaine apparently. I'm not going to lie, I saw this trailer and got that warm fuzzy feeling I usually get when I know a movie is going to be good. --This fuzzy feeling is legit, Rotten Tomatoes monitors my fuzzies like it's the god damn Taliban--

I am not going to read the books or familiarize myself with the series at all, but I'm probbbbably going to see this movie 1-4 times.

Enjoy the weekend "Team Edward"....see I'm hip guys.
// //

Thought of a great idea for life and work while I was just enjoying a rousing game of NHL 2k9. I thought about lulling the defense to sleep (wearing casual clothes all the time) and then hitting them with the bomb (wearing a nice outfit).

Basically, since I started work and I realized there is not a strict dress code (yes, it's a real job) I have worn the bear minimum requirement to not get fired. Shirts and the same jeans for all 5 days. It's awesome. Due to a combination of laziness and laundry detergent, I only had my "big gun" shirts remaining. Backed into a corner, I unknowingly put together a pretty snazzy outfit. You know those scenes in shows where the jukebox stops when some significant character walks into the bar? Picture people not really reacting, but noticing me in a nice shirt. Girls fumble their words and the guys ask me who my stylist is. That doesn't happen. It does feel good to actually look deese when I walk in the office though.

Before you think I'm rambling hear me out. In any facet of life you can run the play action on people. Life is about the shock and awe. Get yourself noticed. Break away from your norm and go deep to the wide open receiver in the corner of the me it'll pay off.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

// //

Little Girl Toy Dog Show Fail - Watch more Funny Videos

This may be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I especially like how she crumbles following the hit. You initially think she's dead, but then you see she is just mortified and crying, so it's cool to laugh again.

Drugs, Alcohol, and a stripper pole are going to play a large role in this little girl's now ruined future.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

// //

Fair warning: Sequels have a history of sucking.

Animaniacs: I hated the show, but during lunchroom conversation in elementary school, I pretended I liked it. Life is all about fitting in during opportune times.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Obviously a tremendous cartoon program. Can we talk about the lopsidedness of the weapons. Leonardo had a sick katana, but Donatello is stuck with a stick? Raphael was rockin' a couple of undersized pitch forks and Michaelangelo's stoner ass had some nun chucks. They only had one sword in stock. I bet Shredder would be destroyed in episode 4 if they all had swords.

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: I distinctly remember this show starting at 2:30 when school ended at 2:15. You never seen a kid force his mother into so many near-miss speeding violations. Tantrums were thrown and basically you were not involved in any insightful conversation on the playground if you didn't see Power Rangers the day before. The show though, did teach people about stereotyping. Red Ranger-A before-his-time white bro (of course he had the sword), Blue Ranger: wore glasses, thus a nerd and the science guy of the group, Black Ranger: black, could dance, great at basketball, should I go on? Yellow Ranger: Asian, Pink Ranger: Hot. So many subliminal messages.

Doug: Great show. One of my all time favorites. Another show that made race a non-issue and created characters of all colors..literally (even though Skeeter was definitely meant to be the "black guy").

Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers: Is it weird to think that chick mouse-thing was hot?

Beast Wars: Couldn't wrap my head around the idea of 3-D at the time, so the show didn't get a fair chance with me and was deemed shitty.

Magic School Bus: Great show, but bad because it gave kids a false representation of what field trips were going to be about. Fuck the museum, I want to go back in time far enough to make an appearance in the "Land Before Time" DVD.

CatDog: Another show that I still know all the words to the theme song despite not really watching the show. Strange.

Tiny Toon Adventures: A wayyy better version of that busted "Looney Toons" shit the previous generation watched. This is one of those shows that inspired me to get into a bunch of schemes. Schemes like putting the salt where the pepper should be and hiding the orange juice in the oven. I wasn't a very creative kid.

Darkwing Duck: Let's get dangerous. Pretty bad-ass show that actually followed up on it's two and three parters (X-Men!!). I could respect when a show ropes you into a mini-series and actually comes to an end. Ahem. I was Darkwing Duck for 2 straight Halloweens. No one knew who I was.

Bobby's World: This show may have been responsible for several scoldings and potential spankings. I mean, Bobby's parents (Howie Mandel's crazy ass) didn't give a shit if he rode his tricycle around the house. Why should mine? Exactly. I demand an apology mother.

Dragonball Z: The creme de la creme of all my 90s shows. I've never cared more about a show. I skipped practices, faked sicknesses, stayed up absurd hours, to watch this show. It had everything I wanted in an action cartoon. I'm a sucker for outrageous super powers and this show had that and a great story to back things up. It one of those match made in heaven moments where the puzzle pieces fall into place. To date, my favorite show of all time, and if they showed an updated version of it, I am not ashamed to say that I would watch it.

I'm done.

Judge away people.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

// //

-I totally don't dig the 90s dude, but this picture is so rad. (Could be 80s? Mehhh)

Great Decade. Great Shows. Great Associations. Round 1....Fight! (Street Fighter? 90s Game. Get it??)

Pinky & The Brain: The premise of this show essentially parallels my bar conquests, but instead of the focus on taking over the world, my focus is on women.

Johnny Bravo: Responsible for at least 16% of the world's future rapists.

Pokemon: Remember everyone thought it would be sick if Pokemon were real. It wouldn't. It would probably lead to the apocalypse with life as we know it being completely over.

Batman the Animated Series: I was way to young to watch this shit. Mature Themes.

Ren & Stimpy: Still don't really know what was happening in this show. Again too young to watch it. To my knowledge, the show centered around fart jokes and booger picking. The bio-cartoon version of my life?

X-Men: The Animated Series: The most frustrating show of my youth. For anyone else who watched this, wasn't every episode the first or second of a three parter? The next day you'd scrape your knee because you were violently sprinting off the bus to catch the start of episode 3 and they show another part one of a completely unrelated three parter. Fuck you X-Men.

Spiderman: Ditto. I blame Fox programming for another brilliant showing of ineptitude.

Freakazoid: Teaching the children the effects of cocaine abuse.

Scooby-Doo: For some reason I still know the words of the theme song. Definitely not a 90s cartoon. More likely 1970's (note the Mystery Machine). Don't ask.

Reboot: Sucked balls.

Hey Arnold: The unofficial guide to pre-pre-teen boys. It taught you how to be chill and level-headed before those were even considered concepts within society.

Digimon: A strong role-player in the Japanese-Pokemon-Tamagotchi American takeover. Kind of like a Horace Grant.

Monday, November 16, 2009

// //

Boston. Not well represented despite the fact that this may be one of the biggest hoe/slag/skankaloon habitats in the country. I don't know if Ludacris reviewed his census statistics because my numbers read off a different tale.

I essentially judge women by the "Safari Zone Theory." Yes, Safari Zone from Pokemon. Before you get all "man you a nerd Dub Jeezy" on me, hear me out. Getting women is pretty much like catching a Pokemon in Safari Zone. You are only equipped with a pokeball (to catch it), food (to make it comfortable), and a rock (to show aggression). The guy equivalents of these would be a combination of looks, charm, money, possession, and chillitude (combo of chillness and attitude). One of Luda's aforementioned "hoes" doesn't care about the food or the rock. You can just throw a pokeball and they're caught. Now what's the fun in that?

Get your facts straight Luda and update your mapping code.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

// //

This is one of those "can't wait til Monday" posts. I saw this and shrieked. Yes shrieked. And I reiterate, I'm straight. Shrieking just happens sometimes. Enjoy the track as well as the rest of the weekend.

Friday, November 13, 2009

// //

I just realized I had a creepy 2 cat posts in a row thing going on and needed to add some hotness and freshness to these things.

Well, hopefully this song can provide both Hotness and Freshness (Editors Note: Hotness and Freshness was the name of my fake rap group in high school, that's why I keep saying it). Andy Bernard is absolutely hilarious in this.

Have a good weekend!
// //

As you may know from my various posts, I miss my cat Sammy. Only the most special of felines could fill the void that Sammy provided. This guy is not only special, but as the sign says, he is awesome. I can settle for awesome.

I do however feel that this cat is of the prehistoric era, but fuck it, it's the holiday season. Isn't this the time when miracles happen. I also feel like this cat could beat me up. Not scratch or bite me, but straight up rock me in the jaw a couple of times. You know, put me in my place a little bit. I can respect that and that's why I hope that there is a moving cat shaped gift under my tree this year.

Get on it Mom.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

// //

It's been a wild and strange ride so far. Mostly strange. Aside, I would like to thank you all for checking this wacky site out so often and reading all the ridiculous things I have to say. You all have made this a lot of fun for me and I appreciate you guys.

As always, I will keep writing if you all keep reading. Hell, I'll probably write even if you don't read it.

Thanks again.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

// //

How boring was the previous generation? Better yet, how sad was the previous generation? Why did the advertisers think this would be their breakthrough toy?

Way too many questions and not one answer. I am legitimately speechless from this.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

// //

Oh yea, the Yankees won. Despite my lack of true baseball fanhood, I was born next to Yankee stadium and I am proud that they won.

I am also proud of where I am from and what shaped me into the shit blogger that I am today. Preach Jay, preach.
// //

-He looks how I feel.

I thought moving away from the Allston area meant no more fast food restaurants and three meal a day McDonalds binges. The area I live in has no major fast food joints except for Subway. Despite this, I am still managing to eat way too many burgers per day. I thought about it. It is currently Wednesday and without even realizing it, I have eaten 16 patties of meat so far this week. Yes, I am counting the week that begins on Monday.

How does this happen you ask? For one, I am the sneakiest fat kid you will ever see. I plow through food, sit on the couch, fall asleep, and wake up only to eat more food or ice cream. Oh, and I drink beers (woo college!). I still remain a chiseled (meh) 175lbs. Sure I have a gym membership and participate in athletics on a reasonably regular basis, but when BK drops that $1 Double Cheeseburger deal, we stop the fuckin' presses at Jeezy Co. To you readers, I am revealing myself. After every gym trip (BK and the gym are right next to each architectural designing bastards), I make a stop at BK to get two Dub Cheezy's (double cheeseburgers) and some fries/onion rings depending on how I feel. Workout negated. Time wasted. Palette satisfied. Those past three sentences essentially define my life to this point.

As a pre-New Year resolution, I want to mark this week as the last week I will eat fast food (unless there is no other option) for the next 2 months. I want to really try to do this. If it means dying to prove to myself I can beat two beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese then so be it. I'll be a martyr for all the sneaky fat kids out there and let them know there is a way to do it. God dammit, I am going to try.

There is no chance this is going to work.

Monday, November 9, 2009

// //

In one of the bigger "wildcard" moments of my life, I scour the web and find out that the JJ "Trey Bombz" (get it? Trey Redick is making a rap album. Throughout this blog's history, I have brought up instances where apocalypse is probably upon us. This may be the most pressing and urgent of them all. Forget all of the natural disasters and lightning losing it's god damn mind. JJ Redick is coming out with a hip-hop/rap album. Somewhere a kitten just died. It didn't want to live in a world where they just give anyone a mic.

December 23, 2012. Mark your calendars. If JJ's album is number one at that point, you're probably fucked.
// //

I simply have nothing to say. When it rains, it pours in terms of genius products. We got fire, electricity, the wheel, the Snuggie, and now the Dreamie.

I couldn't think of a more creative and ingenious name to give this item. Ad geniuses out there in the "As Seen On TV" department of Hollywood. When it's all said and done on Christmas morning, I should have like 6-7 Snuggies and hopefully 2-3 Dreamies.

A brotha needs his recommended 8 hours.
// //

Lakers are winning, Kobe's scoring from all over the place, life is good in La La land. It's cool to stop playing midway through the fourth. And according to Kobe's face, it is also cool to fart. Somebody (ahem..Magic) has to take these guys down.

Friday, November 6, 2009

// //

-the funniest analysis of Sesame Street I ever heard (some bad language, but screw it. I swear all the time)

One of the most formative cartoons for the youth. Shit, I couldn't start my day without "The Count" informing me of what the hell a number was. Seriously, at age 2-3 you have no fucking idea what a number is, or anything for that matter. Another reason why babies are stupid. I digress. Sesame Street was a tremendous show for the fact that it just tricked the balls out of kids and extremely high adults. I would listen to anything those strange puppets said.

Even though Chappelle made it pretty evident, I never questioned why a 6 foot Yellow Bird was running shit on the block. I accepted things as they were.

"Whoa, what? There's this terrifying blue monster that constantly performs B&E's stealing people's cookies?

"Chill mom, it's cool. Ugh! You'll never understand."

What I did question was how the humans seemingly integrated completely fine with these large puppet creatures that spoke great English. Again, it was a great show. Taught me how to count, listen, judge, and manipulate. Pretty much all you need in this crazy world we live in.

Have a great weekend everyone!!
// //

Huh? Remember when the Cavs did cool stuff? They were creative. They won a shitload of games (going 39-2 at home) and looked like they had a great time. Now Shaq is coming in with his tired, borderline sexually strange introduction. Anyone see how pissed LeBron is that he isn't being introduced last. This team dynamic is all sorts of effed and it all starts with the jackass who thought it was a good idea to give Shaq a wooden spanker (?) before the game.

Come on guy, did you really think he'd put the ass spanker to good use right before the pre-game warm-up? Damn.
// //

Seriously apparent British girl? Rule 101 of dealing with your boss as a friend of Facebook is not bad mouthing the job. Duhh. You just make a blog with an outrageous alias like, I don't know, Dub Jeezy and you don't invite them to your Facebook group. Simple as pie darling.

If anyone has seen the movie "You Got Served", this is a biting example of how one gets served. The two ways you can get served boil down to either getting the shit danced out of you or someone ripping your soul out with the power of words. Needless to say, this skankaloon probably doesn't have a Facebook account anymore..

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

// //

I open the box, no ghost. What the hell? I won the bid and I expect what I paid my good hard earned direct-credit-card-because-the-user-does-not-accept-PayPal money for.

Can a playa get a ghost one time? How else am I going to gain experience for opening up my own ghostbusting agency. Wait..there were already Ghostbusters? And one already had my name?

// //

You know, you have to respect Reebok here. They see that Nike is kicking the shit out of them in just about every department and they pull their trump card. Sure, marketable athletes and high quality products are great methods of advertising, but what's the best way to get a guys attention?

Food and primal sexual urges. I don't see a 64oz steak in this commercial guys. Kudos to you Reebok!

Monday, November 2, 2009

// //

This vid is all over the web like I am all over the gummy bears at work. Greatness in the form of a video.

If there is one thing I love, it's mass confusion. That's what happens here. If you look closely, Dejuan Blair (6'7 2000lbs) is absolutely terrified. I would be too, but he is 2000 pounds. Is there anyone other than Manu on the Spurs that you thought would try to grab the bat? Exactly. Tony Parker, Tim Duncan, even Matt Bonner, are far, far away from the action. A haymaker death blow on a bat mid-basketball game. You gotta love it. Sneaky weird moment though. How and why did Manu know immediately where to go with the bat after he demolished it? And who was that guy? Things don't add up.

This shit has to be taken into account when the league votes for Sixth Man of the Year.
// //

Christopher Walken Performs Poker Face - Watch more Funny Videos

Some people have Michael Myers, some have Freddy Krueger, others have the Bogey Man (Gucci Mane?)...I have Christopher Walken. Anything this man does terrifies me. You have never seen a song ripped from a workout mix (ahem..) faster than "Pokerface." It took everything I had to post this video because I know he will be in one of my nightmares tonight.

Why does his voice sound like that? Come on
// //

The planned looked great on paper. I got some white pants, some white gloves, some silver hair spray, and a good attitude. With all of this going for me, I felt like my streak of terrible Halloween costumes was finally going to come to an end. The results varied...

First off, the white pants I purchased were "sailor" pants (no they weren't gay pants) that had a wide bottom, similar to bell-bottoms. I was unaware of this at the time of purchase, but when it was time to put them on, that fact became glaringly clear. Another thing about sailor pants (...not gay) is that they are extremely tight at the waist (a little gay). Constriction and partying don't really mesh well. Next, I almost passed out from the fumes of the coloring spray. Granted, I just came out of the shower and the bathroom was still very steamy and condensed, but I almost passed out mid-spray. I am absolutely positive that the spray I inhaled will have a detrimental effect on my life-span. Anywho, I get the costume on and it looks surprisingly good.

My roommates are with it and after extensive study of the "Thong Song" music video, I feel reasonably confident I can do the dance (not including the one-handed cartwheel). I'm feeling good. My roommates dressed as characters from "Anchorman", but with there being no prominent black character in the film, my options were limited. So, the channel 4 news team and Sisqo rolled off to a ballin' ass movie wrap party together.

An hour one mentions my costume. I thought this was my god damn year. It was supposed to be my time to be king crab. We get to the party and one of my buddy's bosses looks at me and says, "your Jamie Foxx right?" That had to be the most confusing unintentionally racist thing I've ever heard. What? Jamie Foxx at no point in his career had silver hair or at any point wore an outfit resembling what I was wearing. The night went on with more failed attempts from random onlookers. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt since it was a movie wrap party and the average age was about 32, but come on. One girl called me the "thong song guy", which I accepted and ran with. It wasn't until I was drunkenly stumbling about in an area in Cambridge alone in search of a cab (don't ask) that I realized my costume worked.

While walking past a large group of people in the rain, I heard one kid tell all his friends to stop. I thought I was going to get jumped by the California Raisins, a couple of office skanks, and Gumby, but then the unthinkable occurred. He said, "You're Sisqo! That's the best costume I have ever seen."

Halloween was awesome.

Friday, October 30, 2009

// //

While not being smart, Derrick Rose is an elite athlete.

Message here (and one I will teach my kids in the future): Teach your kids about sports and athletics. Nothing in math will get you an $15 million contract. Straight protein shakes and creatine out the womb for Jeezy Jr.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

// //

Is this some sort of joke? If you're going to rob a store with some drawn on fucking masks have some class to it. This is blatant disrespect to the revered "lucha libre" masks.

I can't distinguish if this is one single black sharpie or shoe polish. I'm ashamed. If you see Dub Jeezy robbin' banks with a drawn on masks you best be damned sure he is going to make a trip to Blick, drop about $82, buy some pastels, some brushes, and a god damn ruler. None of this busch league, "we were desperate and all was lying around was the marker on my dorm rooms' dry erase board." I ain't tryin' to hear that. If I did this crime, CNN would be having the feds at Rey Mysterios house in 2 seconds. My mask would be that good. I'd even pull a back flip off the top rope for good measure.

You don't have to tell me my plan is comparable to that shit you saw in "Inside Man." It's fine, I am not about the pat on the back. I just hope my words resonate to those that try drawing on their faces to rob banks. No more jankity, weak ass attempts.

Get your Blick rewards card to save up to $5 on your next purchase.

// //

I miss college. I miss not having to wake up early everyday. I miss my former cat Sammy. And I miss Vince Carter.

I know Vince isn't dead, but he just kills everything around him. Good players turn bad and bad players (opponents) turn unreasonably good. Now that he is on my favorite team and we are legitimate title contenders, I am freaking out. I would like to trade this bizarro Vince that exists to us now, for the Vince of yesteryear. The one who is sprawling in that picture. We are currently 1-0, but Vince usually turns it off around the 60 game mark.

Remember when he was wowing us during dunk contests? Jumping over 7'2 Frenchman?

I do. And I hope these last 6-7 years have all been a figment of my imagination and the "old" Vince never left.
// //
Left to my own devices once again on Halloween. I've made it abundantly clear multiple times that I am unable to do Halloween correctly. Now look what you guys made me do...I am going with one of the biggest hit or miss costumes in the history of Halloween. Granted most people in my age group will know who it is, but that comes as a double edged sword. Sure they'll know him for one of the catchiest tunes of the 90s, but they'll also know him for his potential homosexual (not that I'm against that) tendencies and poor style. I'm just trying to have a good time. So don't blame me if this is a terrible costume since, you know, I asked you all for an idea like 10 god damn times!!!!

Taa daahhh:

Now I just have to learn how to do one handed cartwheels and levitate atop on my fellow dancer's hand.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

// //

Listen to this beat. Your first reaction is Akon, maybe David Guetta, but then you see Weezer. That's the point where you will reconsider all music knowledge you had in the past. Was it real? Where am I? Is Lil Wayne an actual human or a digital sound byte that the music industry created to increase sales?

I have too much god damn pride to be dancing in a club to this song with a long island iced tea (god dammit) in my hand. I can't have this shit in my life, I won't stand for it.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

// //

Another A. Samberg joint. There really isn't any flow to the track, but it got me chucklin'.

Oh god, just got tagged in 18 Facebook photos...I should probably tell my mother that she shouldn't get an account.
// //

Can Adrian Peterson KILL you if he is running full speed and you are standing completely still?

I'm not saying that he hurts you pretty good after the hit, potentially bloodying your lip. I'm saying you're no longer alive and someone is calling your mother saying that you stupidly stood in front of NFL running back Adrian Peterson daring him to to take your life.

I asked that question to all of my friends and there was a unanimous yes answer. We all agreed we would die. No gun, knife, or pads. Just a guy straight up running into you and ending your life. Dude's a beast.

Monday, October 26, 2009

// //

Due to the fact that I work near several parks, benches are in a heavy abundance. There are nice benches, shitty benches, and benches covered that are covered shit (stark difference).

Where am I going with this you ask? Oh, I am about to take it there like Sean Kingston. I sleep on a park bench during my lunch hour. Gasp!! No, I am not on my bum shit, like the fellow in the picture above, but I do get like 34 minutes undisturbed. I bring a relatively intelligent looking book (usually about the economy or world events) whilst wearing a hoody. Stay with me here. The hoody drapes over my face when I slump my head down to (you guessed it!) cover my eyes.

Chill out when you see that old, smelly, decrepit man lying on the bench. He's getting it in. I respect that. Hopefully, if all goes well, I can remedy the problem of being tired during lunch breaks following my time in Southern Cal....
// //

While a great video, one question came to mind: is this song offensive? This is like the bizarro reverse version of a white guy watching American History X with a black guy. A lot of "clear your throat" and "I'm going to grab a soda, you want one" moments during this video.

On the other side, this can be one of those bridging the gap type of songs. Integrating the ever so distant white and black party divide. The beer pong vs. dance party debate can have a mutual agreement. By God Duece Poppi, you might be on to something.

Ps. Props to Flatbread Sammy for the video

Friday, October 23, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

// //
I'm soundin' off right now from 11 Mount Hood. I'm giving a shout out to my boy Matty Dangles on his 22nd bday (a much less important birthday than mine) and I hope you guys that re friends with him said what up on Facebook.

Speakin' of Facebook, I hope to get the most "out of the woodwork" Facebook birthday posts tomorrow. I expect them from fake elementary, middle, and high school friends. Kids that don't know me, but are friends, go and post away. Parents, family, and randoms are free to go as well.

I love you all, thanks for reading. It's you guys that are going to make this birthday special.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

// //
Every time a birthday rolls around I use that time as an evaluation period of where I am at in life and where I am going. Seemed like every year I was going down a path. I learned to walk, read, go to school, play sports, get into a good college, and get a good job.

At 22, are a mortgage, wife and kids the next move? I will quote Eminem's "Forever" verse in saying: fuck no, go for broke. I know what I don't want to do, but I don't necessarily know what I want to do. I guess the next bunch of years are going to be dedicated to a lot of trial and error. Thinking back to this time 2 years ago, I was actually excited to be 20. 20 meant being a man and making your own decisions. It meant leaving the confines of dependency and walking the treacherous tight rope of responsibility. It's not a scary tight rope. At this stage, if I fall I will fall into a Fantasy Factory-esque ball pit to get up and try again.

What am I supposed to do though? Keep trying to move up at work? I hate work. Seriously, the job I have is pretty sweet. I just hate the idea of working. Ironic name for a blog, huh? My evaluation has taught me that there is no longer a path to follow anymore. Once at this stage in life, we have to create our own road or path. Sure, we have people pushing us in directions and swaying our thoughts, but ultimately the choice is ours guys. Create your own path, do the things that you want to do.

Strangely inspiring track. Says all the things I've been thinking with a punky/rebellious tone. God dammit, I have the 22 year old version of angst.

// //

Nate Dogg orrr Glenn "Big Dog" Robinson? You decide...

While having a spirited discussion about straight tracks at work today I brought up the fact that Nate Dogg had the ability to raise the likability of a song with a single chorus. I even went on a limb and said he was the chorus master or master of the chorus, or a level 75 chorus mage..hmm, my co-workers think I'm hilarious by the way.

As we are in this debate, one guy says, "sucks he had a stroke and is paralyzed on the entire left side of his body." I nearly hopped out of my seat, but I checked with Dr. Pedia and it was confirmed. Here I am all this time thinking Nate Dogg was kidnapped and hidden away somewhere by Akon and T-Pain. What the hell happened? I keep my ears to the streets. I got my arms on some grapevines. I fucked up. If you check Dr. Pedia yourself you can see that this allegedly (my new favorite word) happened in September of 2008. Let's face it, I don't even remember September 2008 (collegeee, wooooo).

Well Nate, I hope you are doing alright. I am secretly hoping that you chorus up a new track, similar to "Through The Wire", but more pertinent to a stroke. Mehh, borderline's a track!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

// //

Ok, you caught me. I watch the Today Show every god damn day and I am proud of it. It brightens every morning and puts a smile on my face. Ahem. They are currently running this segment about women's role in society changing. It's a good segment. They are showing women as CEOs, dominating figures in entertainment, and powerful authors. My mom's a woman and my daughter (before I give her away) will be a woman. Butttt, this picture sets women back a solid 10 years back when I was in grocery store trying to cop those lunchable 'roni slices.

Seriously though? "My Cleaning Trolley?" What is the guy equivalent to this thing? "My Pay The Mortgage?" "My Tell The Wife I Am Working Late, But Instead I'm Going To The Bar?" The kids they pick for these focus groups must be real as hell. No more jump ropes or games of tag. We are dealing with those real adult problems.

I guess it makes's a recession.

Monday, October 19, 2009

// //

Got to embrace those simple pleasures. Don't dwell on the complicated things right now and just kick back, lift your arms up, and get tickled a little bit.

Friday, October 16, 2009

// //

This has all the tools to be a club banger. Absurd lyrics, popular mega-star singing the chorus, powerful beat. If I hear this song tonight I will lose my mind.

Note to self: no Long Island Iced Teas. Even though they are the best drink in this economy, there is no reason for my last 189 Facebook pictures to exist.

P.S.--Props to Worm for the idea.
// //

Bears attracted to menstruation? That's fine. Not the usual means of attraction to a human woman, but to each his own. But bears sprinkling haterade all over mini-vans and pick-ups? That crosses the god damn line. It doesn't add up. Are bears trying to turn into the male social compass? I just don't understand. Mini-vans aren't cool vehicles for a guy to be associated with, but that doesn't give you the right to scratch up the exterior. What happened to the days of hunting pic-a-nic baskets with Boo-boo? If we leave the baskets outside or we are chillin' with them in a field with our girlfriend, it's fine. We are fair game. It has been established that people should not have picnics in a bear habitat and it's completely fine if they get mauled and brutalized, since they were dumb.

That gives these bastards no right to invade our vans and pick-up trucks to forage. These scientists are "baffled" at why the bears invade mini-vans more than other vehicles. Let me put my Bachelors degree to use right quick and make a bold hypothesis. Mini-vans. Driven by soccer moms/moms/boring women/nerd dudes. All of the above love a good picnic. They keep their food in the van. Bear hates picnics and wants to stop the issue at it's source. Simple math people. Didn't even need to bring my TI-83 out for that one.

It's Friday and if some of you decide to make that trek up to Yosemite, please heed my aforementioned warning.

I care about all 4 of you that read this.