Monday, August 31, 2009

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Too many good rappers on this song. Obviously a song of this magnitude has to be connected to the upcoming LeBron James documentary.
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You guys have to bear with me here on the frequency of posts as I am currently moving out of my wonderful summer residence into a new spot not very far away. Oh the memories. The bonds made and the insects killed will not be forgotten. Now back to this NY trip.

My two buddies and I were pretty irritable at the point when we met up with our other friend at the bar. It was a long walk, we were wet, and a bunch of people looked like they were genuinely having a better time than us. We called up another one of our friends from school and finally got to a place called “Calicko Jacks.” Hearing that name rang a “this may be a weird spot” bell, but we were willing to give it a try. Our buddy apparently “won” a happy hour? I personally didn’t understand the concept of winning an hour, but again, we gave it a try. We must have looked like the biggest nerd balls on the block because as soon as we tried to get in, one of my friends was denied for wearing a white polo. Keep in mind, white polos are like the bar uniform in the United States and during this arguing period about 6 other guys wearing white polos just strolled in. A strategic change of clothes occurred and we finally got in. It was not worth it. Being in that bar was the equivalent of playing running back in the NFL. I fumbled like 4 times, suffered bruised ribs, and had to be taken out of the game due to exhaustion. Time expired and the final score ran, Calicko Jacks-35, Bro-izards -7 (the one score being we got drunk for cheap).

Moving along, we got to this other bar that had a dance floor. I was more than ready to cut a rug, but I was also ready to encounter an NYC bitty. 4-5 beers later, the rug was cut to pieces and there was no bitty on my arm. Oh well. It is a little hazy from here, but I think we went to another bar where the beers were like $12 and I felt like I was being filmed on an episode of “The City.” We got our asses out of there with the quickness and headed back to Yacktown, NY. I proceeded to crush food, fend off vomiting and pass out dreaming about how many touchdowns Mark Sanchez was going to put on the G-Men.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

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Immediately following my quitting of work yesterday, two of my main bros and I made the pilgrimage to the great times mecca known as New York City. Naturally, spirits were hilariously low. Following a long 9-5 week, everyone was tired and miserable, basically not wanting to sit next to some shady character for 5 hours.

I get on the bus and strategically place myself behind the hottest girl, just hoping for the chance that she'd feel some weird seat to seat connection and be my girlfriend for the weekend. That didn't happen. We got in a traffic jam, it started raining, and my big ass audiophile headphones were really hurting my ears. I was complaining like a bitch for quite some time. After an ass numbing trip we get off and see all the lights and sounds of NYC. That happiness got trumped with the quickness. Rained began to fuckin' pour. I'll even go as far to say, it was raining cats and dogs. The logical move was to acquire an umbrella and luckily Duane Reade (the CVS of the city) was right across the street. Umbrellas, $10.99? Damn. We are no longer in the market of buying an umbrella. One of my buddies has an umbrella and is living like a king while me and the other bro were shivering our god damn timbers. Good thing we were in NYC though, because a street urchin emerged seconds later and sold us some wack ass 'brellas for $5.

After parading around the city for awhile we met up with our buddy, ready to introduce us to the city bars for the first time. Oh, how the hilarity ensued. NYC bars...
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Wild Friday guys. It was probably one of the bigger days of my life in terms of things accomplished and aggressive moves made. I got to work, decided I was done with that shit, and got up and quit. It wasn't that badass, it was more about me just being a great interviewee. I went on an interview for an all-around better job on Thursday and on Friday I got a job offer. Once I got that job offer, I knew I had to immediately leave my current place of employment. I got up, went to my three bosses and laid down the scenario. My nuts expanded from grapes to grapefruits. And just like that, it was over. My stuff was packed up and my desk was cleaned up within minutes. I'd be lying if I said I was actually sad about leaving, but shit was weird.

So for realsies, I am no longer a working man until September 14th. I didn't let that slow me down because it was a Friday with no prospect of work in the coming weeks. While I will have no steady income for a while, I have a shit ton of freedom. You will never see a kid play more video games than me, wake up later than me, or attend more Northeastern classes while not having an enrollment in Northeastern University than me.

To all the kids out there, I am a terrible example of how to live your life after graduation.

Friday, August 28, 2009

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Hayley lookin' fooiiinneeeee.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

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-CNN Reports: Boston Resident, 21, rearranged an entire weight room, killing 6 innocent bystanders.

In general, I have always been a physical specimen, but things have gone over the top with my recent purchase of the terrifying supplement, N.O. Xplode. This is not a review by any means, but more of a warning. Now let me tell ya, I am not really "that" guy. That guy is the one who goes to the gym with a wife beater and sweatpants with like 3 shaker cups filled with god knows what. Don't get me wrong, I crush weights, but I don't really make a scene or attract too much attention. Hearing all sorts of wild reviews from my friends basically forced me to buy it, especially with various online web sites just giving it away. I mean, I just had to do it.

It was like Santa Clause came down and graced me with an impossble to open gift. Aptly nicknamed "The Splooddeeee", the container has at least 7 warnings (that I know about it) on it, with one stating that it can cause "atmospheric dispersion." Now what the fuck is atmospheric dispersion?! It should say it causes cocaine to happen to you. I've never taken cocaine before, but I can only imagine 2 scoops of N.O. Xplode is worse. I know because I took two scoops the other day and was losing my mind. I took it at 4:45 (aka during work), and proceeded to blow several gaskets. I was pressing my mouse buttons extra hard, screaming at people, and laughing at the idea and the overall concept of sleep. I felt like creating a sport where fighting, motocross, and a colliseum were involved. Needless to say, seratonin and dopamine levels were a little out of wack.

Bad things quickly started happening. I felt like I was in the gym for about 6 minutes and then saw the clock and it said I was there for nearly 2 hours. What the balls is going on? How am I lifting this much? Why is all the equipment rearranged in the gym? Why is that gentleman dead over there? These are all questions that you will have to answer after your first day of sploding.

It is just a matter of time before we are all going to be trying to get 8-balls of the splode.

"Come on man (while scratching his face), I just need to crush weights mannnnn, I'll suck your..."

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All you lucky bastards out there that are saying "Oh my god, I am sooo not ready for college. I don't want to leave home yet!!", shut your god damn mouths. I'm tearing up a little bit every minute knowing that my undergrad career is officially over. The days of straight up not going to class, taking toilet paper-less shits, and the daily schemes of how to find my future wife are over. I was on the T today and saw the BU (sucks to be you) orientation going on. I nearly lost it. It was like one of those flashbacks from the "Wonder Years" or something. Memories were a flowing.

My first day at college was awful, but I would trade my best day this summer for that feeling back. A day of getting yelled at by my parents, sweating profusely, and not seeing any other freshman. Oh, the realization of living in a sophomore dorm when you are a lonely freshman. I was a bright eyed, bushy tailed, cute-ish bastard with so much promise. I look at myself now and see a weathered abused soul that, while still handsome, has had his innocence ripped away. Those great days of getting the same exact meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Unforgettable nights sneaking into upperclassmen parties and throwing up on their rugs. And we can't forget those Facebook friendships that we formed the first week of school that failed to materialize by the 3rd week of classes.

Random Hot Girl: "Hi, my name is Shelly Mo-"

Facebook Creep Bro: "Shelly Monroe right...uhh"

RHG: "Uhh.."

FCB: "Uhh...yea, well? Yup"

RHG: "I gotta go"

I'm depressed. Mr. Jeezy is head over heels in a quarter life crisis. I'm probably going to get a gold tooth and a Huffy bicycle to deal with it. If you're new to college, have a great fuckin' time and for those of you like myself, I am not even going to sugar coat it. It's over. We are just pretty much waiting to die.
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-that's swine flu

I was not going to post about the swine flu because "people are dying and that shit ain't baller", but things are looking grim out there. Granted, CNN is losing their minds a little bit spouting outlandish predictions about 1/3 of the United States contracting the disease and over 90,000 people dying. Stuff is getting a tad bit crazy though and through my impressively manly figure, this guy is a little scared. I don't react well with colds, injuries, or any general imperfections, so I have a legitimate concern that swine flu will give me the business. Sure they say that only the very old and the very young are highly susceptible, but I was that kid who had chicken pox for like 2 years and baffled the doctors with how poorly my body reacted to a 100.1 degree fever. This shit is coming for me and I am in no way prepared.

Here's a scary fact that you guys may or may not know about: roughly half of the Duke football team has swine flu. I can't imagine that the dudes on the Duke football team have the best immune systems out there, but still. That shit is going to spread throughout Duke, some Duke girl is going to visit Boston one weekend and undoubtedly fall in love with me...BAM!, I got swine flu, i'm dead in 3 and a half hours. Seriously, where the fuck are all of our tax dollars going? No cures for shit, my paycheck's keep dwindling, and I am going to die from the swine flu. Until that moment happens though: you will never see anyone eat more pork rinds, bacon, egg, and cheese, ham and cheese, and bacon cheeseburger sandwiches, than me.

I will make it my goal to personally take out as many pigs as I can before the inevitable happens.

P.S. I'm just kidding PETA, you know I love ya'll

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

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I feel like Texas has to leave one of it's offensive players off the field the entire season because the referees need to account for his mustache. I can't tell you what the official definition of the word awesome is, but I am fairly certain it is in cahoots with this mustache. This thing is probably equivalent to a stud freshman recruit. So much hype, cocky as shit, and most likely gets tons of ass. It is definitely a known fact that Florida is winning the national championship now. Way too many egos in one body over there at Texas. Colt's going to want to get his stats and of course the 'stache is going to put up some numbers. Can't win a title with that much attitude behind center.
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Well, for those who know me well enough, you must know that my willpower is piss poor if not non-existent. That being said, I have quit (put in my two-weeks last friday) my current job and applied to a shit ton of varying positions ranging from male model/actor to an assistant in a morgue. I got big dreams, believe me, but right now I just need to get something that'll pay my rent and buy me a gross amount of hot pockets.

Now to the title of this post. I have an interview tomorrow in the middle of the day (during my other work's hours). Naturally, I lied and said I have a doctor's appointment at that time, so it is all good. Also, for the first time ever since working, I got let out early. For those of you have attended college/currently in college/about to attend college, think about getting a class cancelled and multiply that by about 1000. It was how you all could have pictured it. I go to take a shit/nap in the bathroom (standard play) and I groggily rolled back to the office and saw that no one was there. It was like some "Children of the Corn" shit, but in a hilarious feel good comedy sort of way. One of my mini-bosses came out and told me that I could go and that the servers fucked up. To my knowledge, you can't fix a server between 5pm and 8:30am, so I may not have work tomorrow all together. Cross your fingers and i'll give you a shout out in my dreams tonight.

So guys, until I am officially re-employed, do I have to change the name of the blog? I'm a stand up guy (haha) and I can't live a lie. We'll see, the layout is pretty sweet, and i'm pretty lazy. A deadly combination to get nothing done.
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please let this be a joke...

There were Einstein, Galileo, and Sir Isaac Newton. To join the ranks of this illustrious crew of geniuses has to be some random marketing guy from the KFC Corporation. His life changed the moment he blurted out, “what if we make a sandwich that replaces the buns with chicken patties and the chicken patties with bacon?” In fact, all of our lives changed.

We all knew that when the McGriddle came out, it wouldn’t be a sound decision to eat one, but we did, and we endured mind numbing stomach pain for it. This shitwich will push what happened with the McGriddle one step further by pretty much streamlining the whole “get sick and die” thing to just straight on killing you. This picture a) makes me have to take a shit and b) alerted my heart to alert my brain that it’ll refuse to work if I ever consume this. I don’t see my life expectancy being that long. McGriddles were like a bad joke. You eventually recover and live to see another day. This presumed “Double Down” chicken sandwich not only references gambling, but it also closely resembles the food version of an NC-17 movie. This shit needs to be edited and reedited before it can be displayed to the public.

So, now we officially have terrorism, global warming, swine flu, and the “Double Down” shitwich out there trying to kill us. What a wonderful world….

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

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I'm either incredibly late for this, or judging by the 13 million views+, I am right on time. Haha, he also looks like one of the zombies from I Am Legend. Someone look into that, I swear he is the lead zombie.
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Oh, really?

Give me a writing job, seriously. What is up with the jankity site too? Diet-Science? It initially sounds as if this site is legit and will give you tips on how to diet and take care of yourself. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that my site is better organized. Keep in mind, I composed the layout of this site with a double cheeseburger in one hand while watching Malcolm in the Middle.

Though this rank ass site is most certainly not credible, I will consider what it is saying. Fatty foods will make you lazy, tired, and stupid? Really? Damn, I thought the reason I haven't picked up a basketball in roughly a month was because of the long (4 minute) walk I have to take to Ringer Park. This diet science is on to something. They have also said that running in the sun makes you sweat. That's some progressive thinking. Since these guys are way before their time with these ideas, you'd think they'd be able to piece together some semblance of a graphical design. I should cut them a break though, I hear they are on to this crazy theory that beer gets people drunk. These guys..
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This shit was outrageously long and very disturbing. It really hit on everything in a commercial that you are not supposed to do. Graphically killing people? Check. Killing hot girls? Check. And lastly, the coup de grace, did the commercial kill a baby? Check. What a messed up commercial watching experience. I did not enjoy that at all and I doubt that people were legitimately affected by it. This is gross, unsettling, and I apologize if you were offended by how graphic it is.
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I preordered like 35 of these shirts in extra medium because I am not close to being afraid of the 1 in 175,711,536 odds. Because like Kevin Garnett said, "ANYTHING IS POSSIBBLLLEEEEE!!"

I have already acquired a lawyer, an accountant, and a 6'9 bodyguard named Winslow to deal with the rush that is going to come at me in a few hours. Guys, I have already changed my phone number so don't call me, I'll call you. I already purchased a bus ticket to New York City so I can get to my inevitable Today Show interview, Conan O'Brien appearance, and SNL hosting job quicker. All my friends out there, I will take care of you all. My plan is to essentially steal the Entourage lifestyle complete with filming my own personal rendition of the intro-theme so that every time I open the door to my mansion I recognize how awesome I am. It's going to be sweet, I'll see you guys in Malibu.

Monday, August 24, 2009

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-there really is no bad picture of her when you scan google images...

It has been announced that Megan Fox will host the 35th season premiere of Saturday Night Live on September 26. It's not a big deal that I took out my phone, went to the "reminders" option, and put three reminders in for that episode right? Every joke she drops will be an absolute knee slapper. What crazy bastard will sit in their seat and stone face Megan if she drops a bad joke on stage? That guy/girl would instantly be removed from the studio, banned from New York City and live a life that is constantly followed by a rain cloud.

There is something special about this girl. Yes, she is hot, but there have been/are other hot girls around. It is unknown whether or not she is a good actress because no one is really listening to what she has to say and if you were one of those poor souls that saw the Transformers sequel, I am sorry. It may be because she controls the demographics (like Tebow does) and always has an answer where other hotties just stop. Dudes sometimes ponder, "I wonder if Jessica Alba has a tramp stamp" and Megan Fox will whip out the ultimate tramp stamp. Some girls think, "Hmm, it'd be sweet if Giselle was kind of into girls"--Megan Fox hits that one out of the park. She is a step ahead of every guy's deepest quandry and that's what makes her special. Let's toss up a hail mary here: I wonder if Megan Fox plays video games. Oh, she does, and she loves it.

It kind of makes me feel like I may be witnessing the next big thing, but for the first time it's not sports related. We've seen LeBron James, Tiger Woods, Usain Bolt, Dub Jeezy, and now we can add Megan Fox.

Tune in September 26th for perhaps the greatest episode of Saturday Night Live ever.
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This is potentially one of the least believable videos of our generation. Being a FREQUENT bar go-er, I have become quite observant and while the video did display many aspects of the bar scene, there is no way you can convince me that a Keri Hilson, Asher Roth hook-up could ever surface. Not in a god damn Buzz Lightyear. She seems like the ultimate ice-queen and people like Asher Roth (and myself) are the type that ice-queens feed off to fuel their bitch-o-meter. Also, is Keri Hilson like 6'4? She has been the tallest person in every video that I have seen her in. I kept making excuses like, "oh you know, Kanye's a short dude and Ne-Yo and Asher Roth are too, and Timberland, and Lil Wayne, and Usher, she's just around the shortest dudes in the game all the time", but it finally dawned on me that this chick might be TOO tall. I'm near 6'0 and I can't be wearing those posturepedic shoes when we are on a date Keri. It's not you, it's me, I am sorry.
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Don't really know how I feel about it. There is a 1000% chance it'll blow up though, so I guess it'll be atop my "Top 25" Itunes playlist in a week or two.
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I feel like God got lazy and just filed me as another default design. Kind of like in a video game where you go to the create a character screen and that blank dude comes up that you need to accessorize to your likeness. I never have that problem. I just change his skin color to black and ta-da, I have myself a created character. If you tried hard enough, you can probably confuse me for most jacked, handsome, wealthy black guys. Anywho, what I am trying to get at here is that this kid is me from 8 years ago. Another one of the default black characters out there. The likeness is incredible. I'm pissed. If there was an Apple Store around when I was 13, I would have been doing that shit. Good for him seeing how Apple is probably going to fill his non-existent checking account with a multi-million dollar deal and feature him in like 4 trendy, colorful-ass Mac commercials. Straight jealously is surging through my veins. Oh well, I hope people mistake me for him on the default guys have to help each other out.

Yes, I am 21 and he is 13. I fully recognize that and still would love to be mistaken for him.

Friday, August 21, 2009

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The middle rung of the NBA talent pool displays it's other talents.

Have a good weekend!!! I'm going to get drunk.
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-Just leaves a sour taste in your mouth
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Since living in my house for the summer, I have lost all connection with basic ideas of responsibility. Out of the 19 items I own I had to have straight up lost 13 of them. It may be a mild form of retardation or just plain old absent-mindedness, but something needs to change. I can't be growing up losing shit like cars, wedding rings, or babies.

I went on Ebay today in an attempt to solve my problem. Putting myself into a time machine, I warped back into the fall of '98. Meet younger me: a stud, going into 6th grade at M.S. 180. Holding a piss poor record of about 180 career lost items, myself and my parents saw that a Tamagotchi was the absolute answer. I kept that shit in pristine shape. It was never hungry, always clean, and just disturbingly happy with how it's life was going. I'd see other people's and theirs would have poop clumps all over the place, an overalll depressing scene. During my Tamagotchi phase nothing was ever lost, I was excelling at everything, and things were set on the right path. Thennnn, I left it in my pocket when my Mom did the laundry. Needless to say, my life's been going downhill since. Flashforward back to me today on Ebay searching for a Tamagotchi and you can see the reasoning for this post.

If you have a Tamagotchi in one of your old treasure chests, can I have it? It'd at least save me the embarassment of my parents seeing their credit card bills and having a Tamagotchi charged to it.
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-Berlino, get the fuck out of here!

Our friend Berlino, the Track and Field World Championships Mascot Bear (T&FWCMB?) can't seem to catch a break lately. There are more videos of his clumsy ass on the internet than the actual events from the championships. He has some sort of Urkel complex, but without the laugh track in the background. Granted, Berlino is more adorable than those fuckin' Pokemon panda things from the 2008 Olympics, but like your typical cute face, he doesn't have much substance to him. I know everyone wanted a piece of Usain Bolt after he broke the 200 record, but Berlino would not detach himself from his nuts. He not only forced Usain to take several pictures doing the "arrow pose", but he grabbed up the Jamaican flag and waved it around before giving it to it's rightful owner. It was damned insulting. Then he participated in about 1/8 of the victory lap with him, before his emphysema set in and he trailed off to terrorize someone else.

-Berlino, clearly drunk, crashes into some sort of vehicle on the track and nearly ruins this runner's victory and potentially her career.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

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There is just too much going on in this picture for me to form a concise opinion.

Yes, there is a baby in his hand in the place of a football, yes he is wearing Florida colored Crocs, and yes there is a man in the background that is potentially wearing a Purple Parrots shirt. Where to begin? It is clear that Tebow doesn't give a shit about matching his clothes because as any red-blooded American knows it is common knowledge that hot chicks flock to him like an ant to anything in my basement. Now he's got babies on his side? It's a fact that we lost a lot of good heterosexual men out there during Tebow's undeniably awesome speech. All we had left were the babies. I'm a Tebow fan believe me, but I don't sweat him like I am currently sweating all of my garments right now. He's a good, well-spoken dude that routinely performs missionary trips, all while being the most dominant college quarterback of all time. Fully deserving of some kudos.

I guess it's official..Tebow finally snagged every demographic. Female, male, black, white, old, and now, the very young. Babies everywhere are pissed off that they weren't hanging out with their parents when Tebow reached into his bag of tricks and pulled the old "Heisman a baby pose." The guy has everyone rooting for him, even the babies, so just skip the hoopla, and award these Gators a national championship in 2010.
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Put this at the top of the list for "ridiculous story of the day" because this shit is outrageous. I honestly thought I was getting textually Rick Roll'd by this story, but upon contact with my extremely legitimate sources, it actually happened.

The synoptic of the story goes like this: a police officer stops this unfortunate guy for a standard issue case of "riding dirty", but things quickly twist when the officer then accused the gentleman of chewing on crack know, because chewing crack-cocaine is the go-to method of using these days. Anywho, the officer follows up that ridiculous accusation by arresting the victim, fabricating a plethora of bonkers stuff, and stuffing the guy in jail, while they decide if that life-saver he was eating was actually cocaine.

What crack (pun intended) team of scientists do they have in Kissimmee (Kiss me?), Florida? Fuckin' Dr. Frankenberry? I'll admit, I love myself a good mint here and there, I would even go so far to say that they are addicting, but you don't see people out there suckin' dick for a Life-Saver. They're too plentiful. Plus, they're usually on sale if you have your CVS card.

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

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-Caster SeMENya

I recognize that this story was beaten to death by the blogosphere today, but I have a different spin on it.

This man (I'm not even giving it the chance that he's a chick) made one of my most outlandish ideas a reality. Keep in mind, my idea involved a wig and a half-hearted tuck. That's why my idea rightfully sucked. This dude-chick, man-bitch, took it to some outrageous level. I had the same idea too man, I wasn't exactly in your shoes, but I saw them on the ground and acknowledged that they were your shoes. I used to be the 7th best runner in the state 400 meter, but I recognized it was time to hang up the shoes after that. Sure I watched some Olympics and thought, "oh, I would have placed 2nd in the woman's 400, sweet." That's where the thought died. This dude saw my idea, jumped the route, and took it to the crib. Seriously, he didn't even get a wig and apparently went the whole nine yards and got that special surgery down there. That's dedication.

I think people should just chill on the whole, "this freakshow is disgracing the sport and the female gender" and see it for what it is, a story about following your dreams. As strange as it was, no one was hurt and no damages occured. This individual took a shot at what he really wanted and when it comes down to it, I can't knock it
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Oh snap ya'll, Fantasy Football is back. I'm not one to brag, but.....

For like the 4th straight year I have added to my, "best pre-season teams that will most assuredly fail come Week 7" list. It's almost as if some heavenly body keeps trying to tell me that my teams are too unfair and would easily coast to championship after championship.

I guess it is always for the best though. People would stop inviting me to leagues if I keep winning championships. It's like that really incredible athlete that's way better than everyone else, but is never gets in games because he is too good. That's how things worked with me in fantasy football. Everyone in online drafts are saying stuff along the lines of, "Shit, Dub picked yet another great fuckin' squad. I don't even wanna do this shit anymore. randombro24 leaves draft room." My bad guys, I put in the research. Since I am literally putting in my best efforts to get fired these days, I have been logging some serious carpel tunnel inducing hours attaining the best knowledge on how to continue my pre-season dominance. '09 is here mofos and that means it's time for my inevitable 3 injuries to starting players and various "why does he have his worst career year as soon as I draft him" moments. See you on the field.
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Is Jay-Z going down the fuckin' phone book or something finding guest rappers on this album? I didn't get the call, despite the fact that I moonlight as a rapper. Oh well. As we all know from "Renegade", Jay-Z doesn't necessarily do well in collaborations with comparable stars. Kanye also proves this same point in "Run This Town" in which his verse is clearly the best. I'm worried about Jay here. I can realistically see him getting killed by Alicia Keys, Young Jeezy, Drake, Pharell and Kid Cudi. I don't really know much about Mr. Hudson or J. Cole, but it can only spell disaster for Jay's career if they kill him on tracks too.

But Jay can also be going in a different direction. The, dare I say, Shaquille O'Neal direction. The role in which he has already established himself as one of the best ever, but remains in the game to assist the new generation of stars. He's clearly won the game of life, along with Tom Brady, Justin Timberlake, and the dude that's married to Jessica Alba (solely for being married to Jessica Alba). The GAME OVER screen flashes when you are living the life of luxury, amassing worldwide respect and being married to one of the most beautifull women on the planet. I've put so many god damn tokens into the game of life and I am potentially still on level one. So maybe he's trying to raise the status of some lesser known rappers in the process of putting some more dollars into his checking account. That'd instead make him a great dude I guess.

You know what Jay? I take it back. You probably know what you are doing with this album being that you are one of the greatest rappers ever, I was just freaking out. My bad.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

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While watching the 2009 World Track & Field Championships, I realized again why I love women's track.

Her name's Allison Stokke, by the way.
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Here is Michael Jordan vs. Chris “The Ghetto Bird” Young, a decidedly more lopsided matchup than the Sloan vs. Ashley matchup (come on E). For those worldly individuals out there, you should know that “The Ghetto Bird” is one of Slamball’s most talented players. What is Slamball you ask? Slamball is the deformed lovechild of the historically rich game of basketball and a trampoline. It ranks high in the “incredible to watch the first time but terrible to watch every time thereafter” scale. I’ve watched so many “first” episodes of a Slamball marathon it’s ridiculous. Before I get sidetracked, let’s recognize what is happening here.

The greatest basketball player in the history of the game is playing against potentially the 4th best player in a faux basketball league that may or may not exist anymore. How does this shit happen? Can I at least grab a Penny Hardaway rebound? I feel equally if not more qualified than “The Ghetto Bird” to be on the court with his Airness. By the way, MJ is still awesome. That fadeaway is the deadliest move in the history of basketball. I had so many dreams crushed by that shot. It was excruciating to watch Mike just dismantle my hopes and dreams, but I realize I took that shit for granted. Yes, we have LeBron, Kobe, and Wade, but nothing will ever be like Mike.

Like Mike, if I can be like Mike.

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-what i saw when i looked out the window today.

Alright, shit’s getting ridiculous. I sneezed last night while sitting in my house and started sweating. I sat in front of several fans, and was sweating. I was in an ice cold shower and the parts of my body that were not directly touching the water were, you guessed it, sweating. I know its summer and this is what is supposed to happen, but there is no way I can get used to this. The pool can’t even defeat this dastardly haze. People have resorted to just staying in the pool and allowing their bodies to prune to dangerous levels out of fear of getting out and immediately sweating. I’ve always been that guy who preferred to be very cold over being very hot. You can fix the cold, but when you’re a broke ass post-grad living with other broke ass post-grads, you can’t fix the heat.

Walk with me for a second. I go out to lunch today bracing myself for what’s about to go down. Two steps out the door I go partially blind, can’t decipher where I am or what I am doing, and am inches away from vomiting everywhere. I sprinted back inside my air conditioned building (in a rare instance I want to be at work) to regroup and game plan for whatever the fuck was happening outside. After splashing my face with water, I reentered the concrete Sahara. It looked like the aftermath of an interspecies war outside. In my long walk of one city block I saw: 1) a dead dragonfly (?) that looked as if it were from the prehistoric era, 2) a dead pigeon/sparrow/bird thing on the side walk, and 3) a hobo that was most assuredly dead, lying in an alley. Following the carnage, I proceeded to eat the grossest, sweat-inducing pizza of my life and struggled to make my way back down that long city block into my building.

You know it is a legitimate problem when you are sweating in areas that you previously thought did not have sweat glands, like the wrists and the top parts of your feet. I give kudos to any of you that can stand this heat because this shit is actually making me want to be at work right now.

Friday, August 14, 2009

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^Back when Mike used to play on the Eagles back in '04.

Fuck. Now I know there was no chance that the Jets were picking up the recently imprisoned former superstar Michael Vick, but a brotha can dream right? Once I settled on the fact that my favorite team will be lead by a potentially metrosexual quarterback, I came to the realization that shit is going to hit the fan. Not just hitting the fan and splashing some unlucky people with poo speckles, I am talking breaking the engine and one of the propellers falling off hitting it.

I’ve been playing Madden football video games since roughly ’93. Up until Madden 97 came out I had no idea what was happening in the game, the basic rules of football, or the fact that the players were based on real living people. Mind blowing experience, let me tell you. Post Madden 97, I became relatively (extremely) obsessed with the game and it became something I needed to have every year there after. I participated in tournaments, wasted outrageous hours molding the 2025 New York Jets (which featured 3 of my future children playing 3 starkly contrasting positions), and basically had the best of times. Today marks the release of the next installment in the Madden series, Madden 2010. First off, Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu are fucked. Next, it is way more realistic, tons of cool features yada, yada. As Madden players, we all know that speed is paramount to all. Power backs suck balls and marginally rated players that are fast can still dominate. Let me inform you about said fecal matter colliding with said oscillating wind creator (?).

Donovan McNabb-always overrated when it comes to speed in Madden.

Brian Westbrook-probably high 90s in speed

LeSean McCoy-got them young legs, you know he’s fast.

DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin-they’re the same person, different names. Fast.

My bad Brent Celek.

And now this....Michael “best Madden player ever” Vick joins that squad. It is effectively a wrap for all players in the game. Wildcat formation, McNabb tossing to Vick, Vick throws to Maclin, Maclin laterals to his clone Desean who (while still behind the line of scrimmage) throws a screen pass to Westbrook, while having LeSean lead blocking all the way to the crib. Disregard how illegal and ineffective that play may be and think of the possibilities.

You’ll see the Eagles in the Super Bowl until 2017 and you will lose. That is most assuredly not how it’ll play out in real life, but Madden is another life..that is..potentially..real?

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I am setting the Over/Under at 2 pounds of shit this gentleman has sitting in his drawers right now. Actually, scratch that, I am upping it 4 pounds. Does anyone see that hand gripping his shoulder? Nuh uhh, not for me.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

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Baby Penguin Walking

If you haven't noticed, I have finally learned to embed videos into this formerly shitty blog. Now I get to put the most ballinest, potentially irrelevant videos into this thing and raise blog interest up for the masses that are reading....

So, penguins are awesome. Nothing to say further about that. While I am lacking the important (some say necessary) knowledge to take care of a penguin, I would deem myself a competent owner. I'll get a big ass air conditioner to alleviate any "ooo i'm cold" issues and I will even play father to their eggs. Cut an individual holder out of an egg carton and leave Jr. in the fridge until he's just about ready to be birthed. Saves time for my penguin, me, and the baby because he's not risking life and limb chillin' on mom's feet.

Also, if I were to make a dirty south song that featured poor lyrics, egregious screams, and a catchy dance, it would most assuredly feature something close to a "Crankin' Dat Penguin" type of dance. It would obviously...wait what? Are you kidding me? It fucking already exists?! God Dammit.

Of course my idea would be better, not steal Soulja Boy's shit...and feature Lil Jon and Pitbull.
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When I get rich I am going to do so many things that I know only I find hilarious. It's one of the luxuries of making bank.

I can see what 50 is thinking here though. Some dudes make a blog about all of the weird shit that comes to their head and some dudes make an aggressive track whilst dressed like a clown. It's your world Fif, do what you gotta do playa.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

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--a true American hero

For all you news-less cats out there that aren't yuppie enough to have CNN as one of your bookmarked sites, there was a story yesterday that caught my eye. Keep in mind, I don't really read stories thoroughly, and the majority of this can and probably is wrong.

So, two Asian-American reporters were out in North Korea (the bad Korea) doing, um, reporting I guess. As we all hopefully know, North Korea is seriously not the move right now much like going downtown to Faneuil Hall is no longer the weekend move. Needless to say, these bitches got caught doing whatever it is that they were doing and we assumed them lost to labor camps for 12 years. Damn. Oh well. Obama was like, "can you send these chicks back" and North Korea was like, "Nah." It was an accepted idea that it was a wrap for them. I guess we kind of gave up on them pretty quickly, who's to say really.

All of sudden, Bill Clinton, sensing that there are two young Asian-American women in need, sprung into action. He emerged from the Bat Cave and everyone (at least I) knew things would turn out alright. This motherfucker was in North Korea for about 20 minutes and these bitches were on flights back to the United States. Dude even got the thought to be dying Kim Jong Il to cheese with him in a picture. Simply incredible. Of course everyone is wondering how the wily old veteran Clinton was able to swindle KJI and make him change his mind. With Bill Clinton, weed and prostitutes cannot be far behind, and that folks is my hypothesis. They just sat in KJI's office, bong equipped, and had like 23 mildly attractive prostitutes settle the differences.

I've determined Bill Clinton is a lot like Popeye. Exchange spinach and weed/prostitutes and you basically have the same person. They even have the same "why are these studs with such ugly hoes" complex. I'm talking to you Hilary and Olive Oil...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

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Too many wheelchair Jimmy jokes can be made from this. It is too easy. The chips have not been falling in place for Drake “Drizzy” Rogers (Not even his real fact Rogers is not even apart of his name) as of late. With the whole freestylin’ off the blackberry thing to a hilarious spoof video, it is safe to say that Drake is not having the best week ever. I’m not gonna lie, I will continue to bump him, because the kid does spit reasonably hot lyrics. He also may be dating Rihanna. Thus he’s cool in my book.

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^a gear grinding experience.

You know what grinds my gears? People that walk up the god damn escalator. This angers me more than it should, but come on. These people have no idea that I will Tiger Uppercut the shit out of them. After a long and winding T ride, I join the rat race that is the revolving gate. A dangerous contraption in itself, the revolving gate has the ability to ruin a work day before it even starts. This woman one day got not only her bag caught in the gate, but also her Ipod, and she ended up dropping her phone. The battery was under some dude’s foot, she may have had a dislocated elbow; it was safe to say her day was a wrap. If you are somehow lucky enough to fend off the revolving gate, you soon encounter the second mini-boss in the difficult level of South Station in the “typical workday” videogame.

Oh, escalators. You seemed like such a good idea at the time, then all of sudden, dumb ass kids who either lacked any coordination or just accepted their fate, were being maimed by escalators. I’m talking peg leg maimed. Maybe Americans became wary of these death carousels and began picking up the pace. Nahhh. We are traditionally lazy. We live with luxuries…including, but not limited to, the fucking escalator. Get off your high horse Mr. “I am going to walk up the escalator to firm my glutes” or Mrs. “I am going to walk up the escalator because a little boy in Belize does not have an escalator.” Keep in mind, I am exhausted and trying to lean up on the moving railing to further minimize energy use. So back up off me and stop giving me that look. The “I am holier than thou” look, you know, the universal asshole, smug mofo sneer. Just stop. Let me be. Take the stairs. If not, I will not hesitate to Tiger Uppercut you.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

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“Somebody better tell em that we in this bitch like an unborn baby”

-Said lyric is rapped by Fabolous in “Everything, Everyday, Everywhere.”

Now I will be the first to come to bat for Fabolous. He has been my favorite rapper and will forever hold the title of “the first person to have their CD purchased legally by me.” Rap has had many a questionable line, but some are just like..what?! This is one of them. Sure, it makes sense. Fabolous is a punch-line rapper and that’s what punch-line rappers do. I cannot put my finger on it, but something just is not right about that line.

First off, the line opens up the second verse of a hot song, so the listener is fully invested in what he is about to say. He just comes out and says it in his typical braggadocios sound that you just let it roll on by. Then you think…what the hell did he just say? What kind of lackey would alert the club, the room, or an IHOP that Fabolous is there much like an unborn baby is within a woman? I am sorry Fab, you may not have much luck there (if Fabolous hired me to do that for him I would instantly quit). It also puts a terrible image in your head. My image was a fetus rockin’ a fitted and a platinum chain, chunkin’ up a swag filled deuce. Strange I know. Fabolous songs should not illicit such thoughts. Fabolous, don’t worry, I am perfectly content with thinking about how sweet your life is when you talk about your black card, multiple ménages, and constant drug use. No need to throw fetuses in there. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it playa.

Download: Loso’s Way--Fabolous

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Sorry for not updating at a good frequency. Life has thrown me for a loop as of late. I feel like a big change is going to occur soon. I don’t know with what or what I mean exactly, but hopefully it’ll be good. Ok, without further ado…part two of the day in which I exist. It really is not worth all the waiting, but it allows me to post other shit because I pigeon holed myself by making a "part one" to something. Blogging 101, shit.

5:00—Think whether or not to go to the gym or go home.

5:02—Mull it over with a Red Bull (most likely my 3rd or 4th of the day).

5:03—Freak out and get aggressively angry at myself for even considering not going to the gym.

5:05-6:05—Crush weights.

6:15-6:45—Sweat on the T Ride home and make uncomfortable eyes towards the honey in the sundress.

7:00—Play God’s dice game of “Will he immediately go to McDonalds again?”

7:10—Either eating McDonalds or drinking a protein shake fortified with vitamins and minerals…you decide.

7:20—See whose around. Have scary urge to consume alcohol.

7:21—Scour contacts for a friend or friends that would be willing to indulge.

7:22-8:45—Chill. Play video games hard.

8:46—Shower while blasting nothing but top 40 hits, eminem and the backstreet boys. Say something.

9:00-9:08—Get stupid, mad, funky fly.

9:30—Wait for friends, or friends already present. Venture to a bar.

10:05—Regret bar decision. Immediately regret not staying in and getting much needed sleep.

10:10-12:16—Drink out of sorrow, anger, confusion, and the need to acquire female companionship.

12:20—Too drunk to acquire female companionship. “Oh god, please don’t play the Cupid Shuffle. Fuck! Well I just gotta dance to it.”

1:00—Sweating from the continuous string of hits the DJ is playing. This guy does not smell very good.

1:30—Cab home with whatever bros were unable to acquire female companionship.

2:00—STRUGGLE to take out my contacts. Brush teeth.

2:01—Pissed that tomorrow will be exactly the same.