Friday, August 14, 2009

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Eagles Instantly Become Best Madden Team in History

^Back when Mike used to play on the Eagles back in '04.

Fuck. Now I know there was no chance that the Jets were picking up the recently imprisoned former superstar Michael Vick, but a brotha can dream right? Once I settled on the fact that my favorite team will be lead by a potentially metrosexual quarterback, I came to the realization that shit is going to hit the fan. Not just hitting the fan and splashing some unlucky people with poo speckles, I am talking breaking the engine and one of the propellers falling off hitting it.

I’ve been playing Madden football video games since roughly ’93. Up until Madden 97 came out I had no idea what was happening in the game, the basic rules of football, or the fact that the players were based on real living people. Mind blowing experience, let me tell you. Post Madden 97, I became relatively (extremely) obsessed with the game and it became something I needed to have every year there after. I participated in tournaments, wasted outrageous hours molding the 2025 New York Jets (which featured 3 of my future children playing 3 starkly contrasting positions), and basically had the best of times. Today marks the release of the next installment in the Madden series, Madden 2010. First off, Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu are fucked. Next, it is way more realistic, tons of cool features yada, yada. As Madden players, we all know that speed is paramount to all. Power backs suck balls and marginally rated players that are fast can still dominate. Let me inform you about said fecal matter colliding with said oscillating wind creator (?).

Donovan McNabb-always overrated when it comes to speed in Madden.

Brian Westbrook-probably high 90s in speed

LeSean McCoy-got them young legs, you know he’s fast.

DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin-they’re the same person, different names. Fast.

My bad Brent Celek.

And now this....Michael “best Madden player ever” Vick joins that squad. It is effectively a wrap for all players in the game. Wildcat formation, McNabb tossing to Vick, Vick throws to Maclin, Maclin laterals to his clone Desean who (while still behind the line of scrimmage) throws a screen pass to Westbrook, while having LeSean lead blocking all the way to the crib. Disregard how illegal and ineffective that play may be and think of the possibilities.

You’ll see the Eagles in the Super Bowl until 2017 and you will lose. That is most assuredly not how it’ll play out in real life, but Madden is another life..that is..potentially..real?

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  1. Anonymous said... August 29, 2009 at 8:32 PM

    if you wait two years i'm sure plaxico could be fun/recently reformed and ready for the jets. eh?

  2. Anonymous said... August 29, 2009 at 8:33 PM

    / maybe 18 months with good behavior.

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