Wednesday, August 5, 2009

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What Grinds My Gears?

^a gear grinding experience.

You know what grinds my gears? People that walk up the god damn escalator. This angers me more than it should, but come on. These people have no idea that I will Tiger Uppercut the shit out of them. After a long and winding T ride, I join the rat race that is the revolving gate. A dangerous contraption in itself, the revolving gate has the ability to ruin a work day before it even starts. This woman one day got not only her bag caught in the gate, but also her Ipod, and she ended up dropping her phone. The battery was under some dude’s foot, she may have had a dislocated elbow; it was safe to say her day was a wrap. If you are somehow lucky enough to fend off the revolving gate, you soon encounter the second mini-boss in the difficult level of South Station in the “typical workday” videogame.

Oh, escalators. You seemed like such a good idea at the time, then all of sudden, dumb ass kids who either lacked any coordination or just accepted their fate, were being maimed by escalators. I’m talking peg leg maimed. Maybe Americans became wary of these death carousels and began picking up the pace. Nahhh. We are traditionally lazy. We live with luxuries…including, but not limited to, the fucking escalator. Get off your high horse Mr. “I am going to walk up the escalator to firm my glutes” or Mrs. “I am going to walk up the escalator because a little boy in Belize does not have an escalator.” Keep in mind, I am exhausted and trying to lean up on the moving railing to further minimize energy use. So back up off me and stop giving me that look. The “I am holier than thou” look, you know, the universal asshole, smug mofo sneer. Just stop. Let me be. Take the stairs. If not, I will not hesitate to Tiger Uppercut you.

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