Friday, March 29, 2013

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Got any plans this weekend?  See the family?  Go to church so you could feel good about yourself and the poor decisions that you've made since the last time you've gone to church?  

Well scratch that, because we're about to go in on a giant fucking gummy bear.  We are just going to sit on the couch, continuously chomp on this beast, and occasionally check our blood-sugar to make sure we don't have diabetes.  Weekends don't get more magical than this.

Elephant in the room: What's going on with this thing's stomach?  Is it pregnant?  Are we eating a pregnant gummy bear?!  I'm not trying to sound like some kind of monster here, but that is a helluva deal.  Spending $150 on a corn syrup bear becomes completely different when you find out you're eating corn syrup bear(s).  

First order of business for anyone who decides they want to do this: donate $75 to the blog, I'll cover the other half, you come over to my place, we'll watch Willy Wonka and other candy related movies and possibly play Candyland to get jazzed up, and then we'll sit awkwardly until it's delivered.  THEN. IT'S. ON.  

If you're down, hit me up at  Thanks.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

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Ah, the ol' "I'm going to rent a yacht, so meet me there and I'll kidnap you forever" play.  Haven't seen this move used in while, but when you're desperate, you're desperate.  And folks,  Aaron Carter is absolutely FUCKING desperate.  Dude would probably sing in your living room if you gave him a pack of Swedish Fish and a futon to sleep on.

But seriously girls, if you're visiting Miami on May 19th, DO NOT GET ON THAT YACHT.  You'll probably die with a 100% chance of never being seen again.

Ever took a look at meth-crazed Aaron Carter?

It ain't pretty.  Those are kidnapping eyes if I've ever seen them.  But hey, maybe it'll work out and you'll have an awesome time doing meth and hooking up with Aaron Carter.  I'm not a psychic, just a guy that's been around the block a few times.  Good luck, ladies.
// //

You know how big of a power move it is to make your first tweet a cocky, possibly drunk, possibly butt-dialed statement about how you used to be awesome? Transcendent.

Pretty sure my first tweet was coherent and a complete sentence. Such a dweeb. Zen master doing Zen master things.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

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We're approaching year four of the blog.  Crazy, right?  While that factoid simultaneously makes me feel proud and depressed, it really has been an enjoyable ride.  I truly love doing this shit.  

"What do you mean by 'this shit', Dub?"

This shit is exactly what it looks like.  In-depth, Calculated, Fact-based, Lazy internet research to write funny blurbs to help people get through work/school/taking a dump.  Over 1900 posts and over 1 million total views.  It really is insane.  And to think that this thing started when all of my college roommates tried to stay in touch via email and one of them suggested that I turn my emails into a blog.  But enough rambling, we trying to get paid in this bitch!

I added a Paypal donation button on the right side of the page.  It's kind of a big deal because I never went for money on this thing until recently when I have put ads up.  I very much appreciate the ad clicks, they are definitely helping.  While I don't need the money, I do see WMD as a second job.  Despite all the nonsense that I say, I work pretty hard on it and try to make sure everything is good enough for everyone's humor palette, proofreading aside.

I know we're technically still "in a recession", but I'm not asking for a lot.  $1 a week.  Actually, that's insulting.  Make it $1.50, or if you're feeling like the Loch Ness monster, you can donate $3.50.  The world is your oyster.  Any of my high rolling friends that read this daily could even donate $5.  Who knows?  I don't.  I'd just be grateful for anything.  No pressure to donate either.  I was able to go 4 years without even thinking about making money from this thing, so if you ain't got the funds, I'm cool with it.

Guilt Trip Time:  Things that you spend $1 on

-McDoubles, or is that just me still?
-Strippers - I know a ton of creeps read this blog.  I ain't mad atcha
-Tips for awful bartenders that got your drink order wrong
-Homeless people?
-Sometimes you accidentally drop a dollar
-One of you also accidentally bought a Black Eyed Peas album.  Jesus
-Someone else that you like a lot less than me

Also, some of you have mentioned that you'd like to have a beer with me.  Well let's have one.  Send me a .gif  of a person drinking a beer when you send your donation.  It'll be crazy intimate.


Monday, March 25, 2013

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First things first, fucking Tyga, man.  Hate him.  With that out of the way, let's talk about AI for a second.  The man has hit some very hard times.  Every other day there is a news story about him evading the IRS, disputing Las Vegas casino charges and divorcing his wife.  It's all pretty sad stuff really.  While all of this information can't be completely confirmed or verified, one thing is for certain:  Allen Iverson thinks it's 1998.

1) The Fitted:
I still own a fitted, but I only wear it when that team plays a game.  I'm a shell of myself, but I'm a man of the times.  I saw the writing on the wall and knew fitteds were on their way out.  AI didn't.

2) Large White Tee:
Still swimmin' in his shirt like it ain't no thang.  Again I had these shirts too, but like most urban-fashionistas, I knew when it was time to get out.  AI went from 6x to 3x.  Progress.

3) The Answers
Allen is in some seriously alarming denial here.  These were some ugly ass shoes that were made strictly of plastic and the tears of poor labor workers.  Stubbornness continues to prevail.  AI leads the league in "Sir, you're unable to enter this club with sneakers on" post retirement from the NBA.

the worst fucking sneakers of all time.  

// //

This guy is an asshole.  He knows for a fact that he's slowly ruining my life and straight up doesn't care.  Just keeps fluting like people are actually watching him and care about what he's doing.  Bro comes straight out of his job where he's most certainly an obnoxious overachiever, whips out his flute, and terrorizes the general populace before taking his dickish talents home.  

Boston, someone please stop this man.  Or send a threatening letter to break his flute.  Either one.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

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Exhibit A:

This picture is depressing.  Nothing else to say about it.  Makes me feel old, wrinkly and decrepit.  Shawn Hunter looks like a pedophile and Eric looks like a guy that tried to start his own business and watched it fail.  I remember wanting to BE Shawn Hunter and Eric was a top-5 funniest guy on TV in the 90s.  Sad.

Exhibit B:
Real rollercoaster ride with this picture.  On the one hand, Rachel clearly had some plastic surgery and actually looks better than she used to.  On the other hand, Mr. Feeny looks like the Crypt Keeper.  Not a shade under 93 in this picture.

Exhibit C:

Eh, I'm probably in.  11 year old me is so riled up by these pictures it's not even funny.  

Thursday, March 21, 2013

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So I'm 25 and at a super weird point in my life.  All I do is research crazy schemes, talents, and animals these days so I figure  that adopting an orphaned polar bear is par for the course.  

-It's cute as hell
-Doesn't seem to know it's a polar "bear" yet
-Potentially the illest companion you can have
-Better than a guard dog
-Will view me as a mother-father hybrid
-I will name it Ashy Larry

-Bears get really weird around Charmin toilet paper
-Picture 2 makes me very nervous
-It's a bear and will eventually realize it's a bear
-Climate/General maintenance issues will 100% cause it to die
-He doesn't look like a good problem solver in picture 3.
-The novelty of owning a bear will wear off fairly quick and then I'll just be stuck with a bear

Ok, fine, I won't click "send" on this lengthy email explaining why I'm an ideal candidate for bear adoption.  Frankly it's irresponsible of CNN to post these pics without knowing the lengths that a quarter-life crisis'ing blogger will go.  I was inches away from buying an IGUANA for pete's sake.  Iguanas are basically plants 2.0.  Fuck would I do with an iguana?  

Be good little polar bear, thank all the bear gods that you didn't stumble into my life somehow.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

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If there was ever a "Oh shit, I have tattoos all over my face and body" realization I could have watched in real-time, it would have been this one.  It has to be difficult walking out into society with off-brand pornography websites on your face.  But hey, people grow up.  One day I bought a dresser and threw away my plastic bins.  Hostgator decided that Hostgator Dotcom is a fucking ridiculous moniker and that he needed to turn his life around.  Same things really.

I mean, one night I had a few drinks and wore this outfit:

You don't think I woke up the next day and said, "Shit, why is the boa in the toilet?  I have to change things up in my life."?  Well I didn't because it was college, but I wish I did.  So change your life Hostgator and get Minka's bootleg-ass porn site off your forehead so you have visiting privileges to see your children again.
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I’m no expert, but I’m pretty certain this wasn’t the best course of action. You can’t knock the stabber at all in this situation. If someone has the audacity to challenge you to stab them when you were ultimately planning to stab them you, um, have to stab them. All of your credibility as a mugger flies out the window the minute you don’t stab this dude. With that said, the guy that got stabbed might be the dumbest dude in the game. Probably watched too many sitcoms and was waiting for the laugh track to bail him out. Nope, you were wrong and now you’re bleeding out.

OBSCURE JOKE ALERT: from “My Brother & Me” – “I said, “Hit me!” “So what happened?” “I got hit.”

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Louie Anderson diving 23 feet in front of a live studio audience in a leather Under Armour moo-moo is why people hate us.  Like dropping a softball into a medium-sized bucket.

RIP Water. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

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Playing high school basketball in the 80s must have been so god damn foolish.  You basically went out there, exposed all of your genitalia, jheri-curled your hair and chucked bombs.  The NBA wasn't as big of a deal as it is now and being "good" at basketball didn't matter that much.  All that mattered was looking fly-er than the next dude and fending off a cocaine addiction and AIDS.  Everything else was gravy.  

Oscar winner Jamie Foxx, ladies and gentlemen.  

Monday, March 18, 2013

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Getting banned from a library is like getting banned from a Blockbuster Video these days, so life ain't too bad for Mr. Carter.  If he can dodge that year in prison and the $11,000 fine this a net-zero transaction in my opinion.

I understand that you're homeless Tyree, but in 2013 you can manufacture a better way to get your rocks off than works of literature.  The quote didn't read, "Officers found him with his head stuck in a Playboy", the report said you were reading a god damn book, man.  If it wasn't one of those Nora Roberts pseudo-erotica books they sell in CVS that look crazy alluring, I would lose the little respect that I had left for you.

Also stop looking so much like him:
(shout to Kenan for turning that career around)

But hey, you got banned from every library on the PLANET.  Church.

// //

Made a mistake and want to speed this up so I can get back to my bread and butter of blogging about absolute non-sense and things that bother me. Here we go with the speed rounds:

2) Kenan & Kel vs. 7) America's Funniest Home Videos

-Dumb match-up. Obviously Kenan and Kel.

4) Ducktales vs. 5) Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

Ducktales wins, but C&DRR is a jam. Gadget was also bananas-level hot:

3) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. 6) Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers

Battle of shows with the long-ass-names that I sprinted home to watch daily. Nostalgia. Nothing beats the guitar solo in Power Rangers though - it advances.

2) Pokemon vs. 7) Tiny Toon Adventures

Pokemon might be able to challenge the Fresh Prince if I don't decide to nix this thing. Someone could have gotten pregnant to this track in the 80s.

4) Doug vs. 5) Captain Planet

-Doug was probably the inspiration for so many rappers and they don't even know it. The chick that was wind could also get it. Doug wins.

1) Family Matters vs. 8) Malcolm in the Middle

Carl Winslow was my father. Dub for Urkel.

God, this needs to end soon.
// //

Yup, shots are still the worst thing that can happen to you. I basically typed this post with one-hand while my other arm was completely incapacitated. Some call it, "blogging through the pain", while others will choose to refer to me as a warrior.

Observation 1: Bedside-Manner is gone

The lady basically hurled me into the seat, asked for my name and DOB and barely listened to my response. Could have told her my name was McLovin and that I was born in 2010 and she wouldn't have skipped a beat. Also, I'm pretty sure they upgraded the needle from "terrifying" to "impossibly fucking scary." I asked her if their office was using newer needles and she flat ignored me.

Observation 2: I'm a looker

I like to stare death in the eyes. And by death I mean the needle whose size I greatly exaggerated. I think people that look away from a shot are legitimate crazy people and probably need to be locked up before they cause any real harm. Sneak attacks aren't my game.

Observation 3: It still hurts

Yeah I'm 25 and I'm not ashamed to say when something hurts. When they take gallons of blood out of your body right in front of you, it's hard to react other than secretly wanting to cry. You're thuggin' hard on the exterior, but on the inside you can't reach to your phone fast enough to simultaneously call your mom and girlfriend so they can make it better.

Observation 4: No mention of lollipops or cookies

I was basically bloodless and in dire need of some glucose when the crotchety nurse lady stared me down and uttered, "You're done." I'm pretty sure I had my (working) hand extended expecting a treat. I was going in with low expectations. At the very least I was looking to get one of those no-name lollys that they give you at the bank. Actually scratch that. The VERY least they could have done was to give me one Nilla Wafer. It'd be borderline insulting at that point and arguably worse than getting nothing at all, but it's the thought that counts.

"Stop being a baby/bitch, Dub", blah, blah, blah. Stop it. Get off your high horse atop of your ivory tower and think clearly. Shots suck, they've always sucked and they always will suck.

Friday, March 15, 2013

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Africa desperately needs some good PR.  All I hear about is hunger, wars, penis stealing, and disease.  Wait, penis stealing?  How did that get in there?  Oh yeah, I forgot.  People are fucking stealing dicks in Africa for the organ trade now.

As far as diabolical things go, I think "stealing" a dude's penis might be ranked number 1A.  I put stealing in quotes because that shit doesn't make an ounce of sense to me since my penis alerts me of the slightest shift in air pressure.  No way you can slyly unhinge a man's member from him without there being some conflict.  And what is the market for another guy's dong?  How much is mine worth?  All very important questions.

Well if there wasn't enough that we had to worry about out there, make sure you hold onto your penises gentlemen and make sure it's accounted for at all times.

PS. For the record, I hope mine is worth >$85.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

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There is nothing more brash than coming out and saying, "Hey, I know you just picked up cat food and some grapes, but do ya'll motherfuckers want a TV too?!"  Some next level audacity.

Keep in mind, this TV was $149 about 3 months ago. So a "committee" had to have a meeting to discuss what direction they were going to take with their elephant-in-the-room 19-inch flat screen televisions.  Questions like, "Should we put them near the tampons or the bug spray?" were probably presented.  If you're really quiet, you can probably hear American capitalism and pricing strategy trying to kill itself outside of your window.

Let's talk Proscan for a second.  Is this the biggest underdog story in the history of stories?  When you're out here unable to acquire a position in the back corner of Radioshack, you need to reevaluate whether you want to stay in business.  But they persevered and kept on chugging.  Who knows if this is the end of Proscan or if some foreign company wants to take an extreme gamble on a 99 (not 100) dollar tv.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

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Neither of these are legitimate Theme "Songs" by any means.  "Salute Your Shorts" was probably the most disrespectful track of all time.  Everyone just making fun of Ugg when he's trying to take a bunch of asshole kids off the street and give them a safe and fun establishment to spend their summer.

(apologies for the quality - the internet was tough with this one)

Ugg got torn apart.  Couldn't even get an ounce of enthusiasm from anyone.  And they dropped the fart-bomb on him.  Completely cuckholded by way of theme song.  And I'm not trying to be a stickler, but finding out that Donkey Lips is currently NOT ok may play a factor in my vote:

Friday Night Lights arguably shouldn't be on this list, but it evokes so much emotion and genuine nostalgia that it may be the Cinderella squad we were looking to emerge.

Friday Night Lights Theme (intro) from mmuussttaaffaa on Vimeo.

I don't know if I will go to war with Donkey Lips or that genuine dickhead, Bud, but I would take down a nation Risk-style if Tim Riggins even broached the topic.

Also, this: 

So, yeah.  FNL wins.  First upset of the tourney.  Landry came off the bench and dropped 25 pts and 8 rebs.
// //

America, we're in trouble.  Sinkholes are the Osama Bin Laden of the ground and they are doing everything they can to destroy us.

They already got China:
Poor girl literally just fell into the ground and disappeared forever.  And she definitely hit her head on the way down and didn't finish her phone conversation.  It sucks to see someone die via falling forever, but it was always something I thought wouldn't affect me.  Shit officially got real when CNN found out about sinkholes and dudes were falling into holes while they were sleeping. That's when it turned  into national news.  That's officially when I started doing Wikipedia research and learned how best to protect myself.

According to this diagram:

it's a god damn crap shoot.  Just a "hope I don't live on a sinkhole" type of situation.  It's like a 10 year old, hopped-up on Mountain Dew and Nerds played Sim City with Earth and forgot to put dirt in certain spots.  I'm super startled, you guys and I don't know what to do.  

Eh, fuck it.  If you can't beat 'em, join em.  Sinkholes: ∞ Us: -100

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

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First match in the long awaited Theme Song madness and  we have a doozy on our hands here.  Can Darkwing Duck do the impossible and knock off The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?  Probably not, but for shits and giggles (weird phrase, right?), Let's. Get. Dangerous.

With such a classic line like: "When there's trouble, you call D-W" you can imagine Darkwing putting up a fight for like 8 minutes:

Pretty real situation.  I've always wanted my arch-nemesis to be someone dressed exactly like me but with different colored clothes.  And obviously this guy:
was pretty sinister.

Butttt there are videos like this: 
that let you realize why this:

is the easy favorite to win this entire tournament.

Will sprayed spray paint in his underarms for us.  That was so important.  And this might be the most known rap song in history for white people.  That's also important.  Bridges gaps and even your Mom knows the words.

Final Score:  Fresh Prince 89 - Darkwing Duck 66

Monday, March 11, 2013

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Does it look like dog shit?  Absolutely.  But it's done.  The wildly overrated and controversial bracket has been completed.  Sure you may be upset at some of the seedings, but this blog is bred from a God complex and these are my Top 16 theme songs.

We will get into it throughout the week, but let's discuss some intriguing first round match-ups.

Three "games" I'm super excited for:

4) Ducktales vs. 5) Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers

- I may pop a blood vessel picking this one.  I won't be able to live with  myself regardless of whatever choice that I make.

3) Salute Your Shorts vs. 6) Friday Night Lights

-I played the FNL theme song a minute ago and almost started crying.  Upset city.  Donkey Lips needs to put up numbers if they want to advance.

2) Pokemon vs. Tiny Toons Adventures

This will just be a fun game.  Lots of star power on both sides, but Tiny Toons have been known to slack on the defensive end.

PS. Hey girlfriend, don't break up with me after this.  Thanks.

PPS.  Took everything in my soul not to choose this song, but I think I was the only person that watched this show ever:

Sunday, March 10, 2013

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Tonight we lost Brandon Knight.  21 years old and forced to lace 'em up.  Absolutely tragic, but honestly I see no other choice for him after this.  Once you get dunk-slammed on, it's hard to really exist as a functioning person in society, let alone a basketball court.

No more words, let's just pray for Brandon and take a look at his short career statistics:

Also this picture of Simba trying to will him back to life:

Friday, March 8, 2013

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I'm usually not on board with puppets, but  this isn't your ordinary puppet.  For one, it's Angolan AND white.  Go figure.  Secondly, this demon creature can move.  Some hip movement that can get someone puppet-pregnant if you're not careful.

Nerdy-White-Angolan puppet just changed the game and gave me permanent nightmares at the same time.  Dust off your waltzing shoes and amp yourself up.  It's almost time to punch in for the weekend, ya'll.

PS.  I'm buying a puppet immediately and naming it Jub Deezy.  

Thursday, March 7, 2013

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C'mon, man.  How can you be SO dead yet SO disruptive at the same time?  I'm over here trying to tune out the shit work day and listen to my music, but I can't concentrate because I keep seeing your dead, glazed over face right next to me.

What's my course of action?  Turn around and hope I don't see one of those "People let dead man sit on the train for over 12 hours" stories in the newpaper?  I think that's my only choice here because as we all know that if you touch a dead guy, you instantly get demons in your life.  Just a pack of asshole demons that try to inconvenience you any chance they get.  Maybe I don't understand how death works or have a screwed up belief system, but it's not worth the risk.

RIP, Creed.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

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Since I'm the unofficial Prince of Social Media and such, I felt the need to discuss the phenomenon that I have noticed on Facebook recently: people discussing their lives falling apart in real-time.

It's absolutely fascinating.  Picture a pretty terrible movie that you only watch because it's so bad.  Then picture that movie as someone's life and remain unfazed. Now we're on the same page.  Most of the time it's someone that you friend'd years back and have no continuous contact with, so it's fine.  If it's your friend, you are a negligent friend.  Also, if you don't notice this on your newsfeed, you're probably the culprit.

As Prince, my updates start and stop with blog posts and "trying really, really hard to be funny" statuses.  I have standards, people.

If you don't notice any of these activities, it's you:

- Intense, day-by-day updates of your subpar relationships.  She can be "awesome" or a "slut" in a span of 72 hours.

-You post memes and only memes.  None of them are funny.

-You deep dive into your personal business.  Got fired?  Broken up with?  Hate Obama so you said a bad word to a black person and don't think you're a racist?  These might be my favorite.

-Fake activists.

-Babies.  We get it, you have a kid.

-Insecurities such as posting blogs daily because your emotions hinge on whether people find you funny or not.  The worst kind of scum.

I'm probably missing some, so feel free to add some in the comments.  Facebook, the NASCAR of social media.  Just watching for the crash.
// //

Don't know how I feel about this.  On the one hand, IT'S THE REMIX TO IGNITION HOT AND FRESH OUT THE KITCHEN, but on the other hand it's convicted child rapist R.Kelly stamping his legacy on American history for the foreseeable centuries.

Pretty torn here.  While iTunes can tell you that this petition can easily get enough signatures within the next 2 minutes, it's the moral obligation.  Despite what Chappelle said, Kellz doesn't fall under the same "He made Thriller" rules that Michael Jackson tip-toed the line of - he peed on a teenage girl...and made chapters 5-200 of "Trapped in the Closet."  Both condemnable offenses.  Another positive in R.Kelly's case is the fact that he chose to stand by the nickname, "The Pied Piper of R&B."  Not an ounce of historical reference in his bones. The audacity of a man to maintain a nickname that essentially means "child creeper" while being a alleged child creeper is almost admirable.

Got my vote.

Monday, March 4, 2013

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1000% the dumbest thing I have ever concocted.  Thought I'd get flashy on a Monday morning and embark on something super ambitious.  Bad idea.  I don't even understand the idea of making a bracket.  What goes where?  What do I call it?  All very confusing.

But I do know that I'm a TV Show/Opening Credit Theme song aficionado.  I know them embarrassingly well.  My analysis would make a nerd lose his virginity on the spot.  I don't even know what that means, but it's pretty potent.  With that skillset, I never really had a choice but to make a bracket.  I put the poll on Facebook and got a meager response, but I got some good ideas with my own genius brain.

Here are some pre-bracket thoughts:

- Yes, Fresh Prince will be a 1 seed and it is the overwhelming favorite.

-There are going to be a lot of cartoons on there, so be ready for that.

-My hardest decision currently is: Do I include VR Troopers, Beetleborgs, and Superhuman Samurai Sybersquad separately, or combine them into one sure-to-lose 16 seed?

-The mixture of black shows and white shows may create a bit of a race riot which I'm thoroughly excited for.

-I will have some costly omissions since I was a 90s kid and didn't eff with anything pre-1990 except for season one of Family Matters and Wonder Years.  So don't expect many shows from that era.

-Reboot will not sniff this fucking bracket

This ongoing post may be the end of WMD or the start of me being a billionaire creative thinker.  Either or really.