Thursday, March 21, 2013

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Is Adopting An Orphaned Polar Bear The Correct Play At This Stage In My Life?




So I'm 25 and at a super weird point in my life.  All I do is research crazy schemes, talents, and animals these days so I figure  that adopting an orphaned polar bear is par for the course.  

Pros:
-It's cute as hell
-Doesn't seem to know it's a polar "bear" yet
-Potentially the illest companion you can have
-Better than a guard dog
-Will view me as a mother-father hybrid
-I will name it Ashy Larry

Cons:
-Bears get really weird around Charmin toilet paper
-Picture 2 makes me very nervous
-It's a bear and will eventually realize it's a bear
-Climate/General maintenance issues will 100% cause it to die
-He doesn't look like a good problem solver in picture 3.
-The novelty of owning a bear will wear off fairly quick and then I'll just be stuck with a bear

Ok, fine, I won't click "send" on this lengthy email explaining why I'm an ideal candidate for bear adoption.  Frankly it's irresponsible of CNN to post these pics without knowing the lengths that a quarter-life crisis'ing blogger will go.  I was inches away from buying an IGUANA for pete's sake.  Iguanas are basically plants 2.0.  Fuck would I do with an iguana?  

Be good little polar bear, thank all the bear gods that you didn't stumble into my life somehow.

2 Reactions to this post

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  1. Kyle said... March 26, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    Con #1 is the only one you need. Very insightful. Last thing you need when you have a lovely lady friend over is for her to think you're some sort of neanderthal who doesn't anticipate running out of toilet paper.

  2. Dub Jeezy said... March 26, 2013 at 11:07 AM

    my worst fear is that my girlfriend and polar bear cub don't get along

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