Saturday, July 31, 2010

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So the new spot is gonna take me within a mile from work. Catch me on a good day and I'll be moon walkin' the streets like my man Max shown in the clip above. Okay so maybe I won't be this smooth, but best believe I'm feeling good due to the fact that I won't be wasting time in traffic for two hours a day.

Anybody need a new car come September? Got a real prize piece just waiting to be sold.

Friday, July 30, 2010

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When the Boss is away the employees will play...

CEO Dub Jeezy is currently at a camp site somewhere upstate in the woods near the cornfields. I took a pass on this trip due to family obligations. Despite my legit reasoning for not taking part in these outdoor activities, it wasn't necessarily the most difficult decision to opt out. Assuming Dub makes his way back by Monday, he'll be able to fill you in on every wrong turn that undeniably and unequivocally took place on this camping trip. Until then I guess the blog is mine, and to start I think it's only appropriate to dish out a list of top 5 'fuck this' while camping moments...

1) When mosquito's attack: What are the odds that one of the six in the group remembered bug spray during their time enjoying the New England summer outdoors? I'm gonna predict the bugs are in for a treat.

2) Setting up the tent: Should cover the first hour or two...maybe three. Sort of like what you see in road construction where one guy pulls his weight while the handful of others look on with blank stares.

3) Starting a fire: This will be an all night struggle no doubt. It probably rained the night before so there won't be a dry log in the joint. The site will then charge for wood which is just completely absurd. This will result in dumping gas on the flames every 10 minutes or so (that's kind of fun actually).

4) Wildlife: Who knows what's prowling around in the wilderness. Worms, snakes, skunks, bears, the works. It's a survival of the fittest attitude out there.

5) Sleeping arrangements: Somebody is getting kicked out of the tent. Fact. You might have thought you came prepared with two warm blankets and a pillow to start, but by morning you're left with nothing but the shirt on your back...only to find the bastard you originally kicked out got his revenge, stealing your shit before you could even react in the early hours.

Think any or all of these factors play a role on this weekend getaway? I'll say four out of five with confidence. I guess we'll just have to wait for the Boss himself. That said, maybe I'm still missing out on one hell of a time...
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I have really backed myself into a corner with this one. It’s literally the worst thing when you don’t have the internet at your disposal at all times. Society comes to a halt, you start sweating, and you start fighting within yourself whether or not newspapers still exist (they don’t right?). Plus I wouldn’t be able to write this blog, so you know that’d lead to mass suicides throughout America, some parts of India, and one house in Antarctica—what up you sly Eskimo motherfuckers. It’d be like if the oil spill happened on land, except, like 3 times worse. Sad thing is that I would most certainly deal with this experience rather than seeing Zac Efron beating up black dudes, turning two with a ghost, and sailing around the world for 110 minutes.

I mean, my God, this movie looks legitimately bad. The guys over at the Razzies are sweating bullets writing this movie down in roughly 29 categories. It’s almost impressive really. The producer of this film single-handedly destroyed my love of children (they’re dumb, but I love them), bar-fights, the song “Airplanes”, romantic-comedies, dramas, comedies, and reaffirmed my hatred for all things water-related. Pretty effective if you were trying to commit movie genocide. Just have a straight land fire shit right here. Movie makes me want to vomit in my own pass out.

Have a splendid weekend. I’m sick as shit, but I’m still going to rage in the backwoods of Upstate NY.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

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For those of you who don't already know...I work for a ticket company during the day to bring in the extra dough when I'm not busy writing gems for WMD. Dealing with these other sales dudes requires me to stay on my toes. When you're about to make a call...a delivery must be in place with prices prepared to be taken seriously. If there's any sense of hesitation, you're walking away shorthanded like Milton passing along his slice of the birthday cake.

Today I just figured out a tactic other businesses are using before I'm able to pester them with my usual questions and favors...Hold Music...How easy is it for them to just pick up the phone and throw it on hold knowing its just another broker trying to get at their tickets for a good price. I gotta say hold music is sort of a secret weapon...An X-Factor if you will...Sets the tone for the entire conversation.
Sometimes I'll just get a string of commercials from the agency I'm on hold with. That's just like running the offense and never getting a shot up - I've already won with my patience on D and ready to attack on the other end. It's not uncommon to hear some generic 80's pop instrumentals but that's also playing it safe. Sometimes you'll even get the light-hearted Jimmy Buffett or Jack Johnson...still not phased.
One specific call to a Nevada broker around 2:30 PM today was certainly out of the ordinary. I was preparing to make a rather large Arizona Cardinals order when I was first forced into the directory. A minute later I was in the hold cycle and they hit me with the Michael Buble...Fucking Michael Buble...Not fair man. Usually I'd just change the song if it were on the radio or something (yeah, whatever) but you're waiting for someone to pick up the phone, so what else to do but listen...intently...
It only took about 15 seconds for me to leave the office and find myself on the dance floor with the prettiest dame at the jazz club. There I was swinginin' and swayin' just running the joint...until my cubicle flashed right back in front of me along with a thanks for holding how may I help you? Delivery: out the window. Prices: out the window. Entire reason for calling: out the window. I did manage to pull it together and get my order through. When my manager asks why I settled on the price I guess I'll just have to come out with the truth. They had Michael Buble as the hold music and I froze...God damnit.
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If it wasn't the Turbo-Nintendo controller bling around his neck, it had to be the Power Glove that did it for you. I almost feel like this is an I-Spy for all things Nintendo. Just taking me back to the days where my parents wouldn't buy me those unnecessary accessories. I PROMISE you that I am going to hug those two birth-givers so damn hard because they didn't allow me to end up like this kid.

All seriousness, who took this picture? I know a parent didn't do it because they would have been stricken with disappointment, so it had to be a friend I guess. This is wrong as fuck if this was taken by a friend. About the equivalent of letting a friend drive hammered through a field of trees. Actually the exact equivalent. Ehh, maybe worse.

So the question is: is this kid dead yet? I'm pretty sure he's floating somewhere in some strange river OD'd off of Flintstones vitamins. Sorry nerd-dude.
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Yeah, I know I've titled like 19 posts "God Dammit", but it genuinely is not my fault. There is just SO much stupid shit out there it makes my head spin and my fingers consistently type my sentiment of God Dammit.

So, about this mindfuck of a picture here. It's a real life mousetrap constructed in New York City. While NYC is completely great and the best city in the world, it tends to do some odd stuff at times. I can understand the whole, "when you have it all, what else do you want" concept, but come on New York, I almost feel like you're just messing with me. Mousetrap was EASILY the worst game of all time. I never ever got to play it because I was so phased out of the process because I always lost the fucking trap. It ended up becoming a third tier bathtoy or some shit. Plus the mouse created A LOT of issues for my cat. As I was sweating with my dad struggling through the instruction manual, I could just see Garfield perched up on the couch just grillin' us clearly wondering what that red mouse was plotting. It made for a tense situation.

With that said, I'm completely down to be the mouse in New York City's version of "Mousetrap."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

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Found this little bugger on the internet today and let me say, I am fucking confused. Just mind blown on about one million levels. I feel like this picture is a Family Guy joke. Just came out of nowhere. I'm almost mad that some dude was calmly using brush strokes on a canvas of...wait for it...ok, Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel, while holding what appears to be a crossbow, killing Nazis and what appears to be 1940s Germany. You read that, imagined it, and saw this picture and realized that is the best god damn depiction of that event imaginable. Dude killed it on the pastels.

I won't be getting over this picture anytime soon, so prepare for some random references to this pic down the line.
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Take four monster truck wheels, throw 'em on a smart car and what do you get? The most counterproductive piece of machinery in the history of mankind. Is the ultimate goal here to be efficient with gas on the rally tracks? Is it a matter of shock resistance? Easier to pick up speed? Regardless of the reasoning behind it, my final say is that this thing is fucking awesome.

It's like the Nate Robinson of motor vehicles in light of the smaller appearence with the capabilities to soar over all others...Like eating champion Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas taking down competators 3x her size...The 2010 Little Engine That Could...Too Far?

Smart Car Monster Trucks. Simply another victory for the little guy.
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EMBED-Cute Girl Sliding Falling Down The Stairs - Watch more free videos

Struggling out on these streets huh? All a big joke until you're face planting in front of the BF and having your friend gingerly walk over deciding between calling 911 and laughing their ass off. Was it worth it girlie?

Can I talk about wet shoes on a metal stairwell for a second? Not these carpeted, clean hand-railings that this girl's staircase has, I'm talking rush-hour post rain storm frantic stair climbing. Babies, old women, blind people, you name it, they are falling.

That's where the flip camera should be used. 9:03 during the morning commute. Blood, guts, and glory on display.
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^in honor of Jersey Shore: Season 2 starting tomorrow

So I guess this is the slag that is going to replace that steaming pile of bitch that was Angelina. I don't like it one bit. First off, aside from Snooki's failed attempts to get ass and getting stanky drunk, she really sucks. Next, she's exceptionally gross and roly-poly. I know I'm being harsh, but someone has to stop beating around the bush.

The key is to not bring in an exact clone of Snooki, but a polar opposite instead. Like a hot girl, that's cool, and gets tons of dudes, but is still a Guidette. Wait, that chick doesn't exist? Dammit. Well still, don't bring an exact replica of Snooki.

Same height, same look of undeserved entitlement, and undoubtedly the same odd but warranted love of pickles.

Those things are pretty good (no homo).

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

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Welp, we had a good run folks. To be honest, I thought the run would have ended like 3 years ago, but he definitely milked these last few years to the fullest. He's essentially a social zombie. Not an effective basketball player and no longer funny..just a human going through his finally days of relevance.

I mean J. Bieber is big, but I didn't see you rolling out the red carpet for N'Sync or BSB Shaq. The blatant double-standard is a tell-tale sign that you are phasing out big guy.
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Dub Jeezy covered a bit of Ron Artest on the Dodgeball court the other day. Just when you thought WMD would take a break from revisiting his crazy antics he comes out with this shit. Ron Artest interviewing Ron Artest. The best part about this clip is that it's under the ESPN page. What better way for our most trusted sports network to add on to their Brett Favre and LeBron James coverage. So lets give a few highlights, and keep in mind that the more you watch the more and more confused you'll be.

First we learn that Ron's favorite movie is Titanic because "I was at a point where I just had my baby. Well leading up to the scene that hit me the most, when the baby was in the water, frozen...I was like, wow, that really happened and you know. I just love that movie...great movie."

Ron would most like to collaborate musically with Celine Dion because he was such a fan of her work on the Titanic Soundtrack. He just recently released his new single Champions. Take a listen, hopefully it's worth it. You think Lakers owner Jerry Buss could pull some strings and get Celine on the track?

Ron would like to visit Pluto over all other Planets so he can ice skate.

Ron is a math wiz (what the hell is going on). That was the best explanation I've ever heard for choosing a number. He still aspires to be a Junior High School Math teacher, which would certainly make for an entertaining class. Keep at it Ron, WMD is greatly appreciative.
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No, Michael Jackson wasn't playing. No, I didn't have any groceries in my cart. Yes, I did look absolutely baller.

I'm just kidding. There is no way in hell I have moves like that. Chris Brown would be struggling in those conditions. Not many people can moonwalk in Sketchers like that, while eying that last bag of Oreos from the peripherals. Impressive.

Monday, July 26, 2010

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All I wanna do is Rollerblade the city of Boston without looking anything like these clueless bastards. Is that too much to ask? There's a few things these people could do to make themselves look a bit more acceptable. First off I wouldn't be caught dead in those elbow/knee pads. Secondly, my man in the short shorts getting smoked by his girl should reassess a number of problems...Way to match your shirt with her spandex dude.

But anyway, sooner or later I'll eventually build the courage to start cruisin' around...maybe even blade to work once in a while. If anyone feels as though I should be stopped before taking serious action, please don't hesitate to speak up. But what the hell man, how awesome would rollerblading be if it didn't look so god damn ridiculous?

I think everyone should pay attention to Keenan in D2 when he taught the USA Ducks how to handle their business in the school yard. The way he delivered the "me and my boys can take you anytime anywhere" line while skating over was pretty impressive. Arguably one of the coolest scenes ever...done on rollerblades. With this I can only hope to avoid catching doubtful looks when it's time.
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EMBED-Model Falls Through Runway - Watch more free videos

There is a lot of unexplainable shit going on in this video that I will just refrain from getting into. Ok, I will. What in God's name was that samurai mofo doing in the beginning of that. I've been to a TON of high-end fashion shows (?) and this was never on the menu. Plus he fell extremely hard. I still don't know if that was a joke or not. Or if that guy was even supposed to be there. Maybe he was just some drunken spectator who decided to take out his machetes and terrorize the crowd? I don't know.

Listen chick, I am SURE there was some clamor in the back about some wild ninja type dude that stormed the stage slicin'and dicin' who inevitably broke a model-sized hole in the walkway. Sure of it. No way that doesn't make it to the dressing room. Where is her coach on this? Rex Ryan needs to come out and give her the simple direction, "Just avoid that conveniently you-sized hole in the walkway created by some Purple Drank drankin' bushido blade dude and you will be fine."

Just people dropping the ball left in right.
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One of the best shows on TV is hitting a pivotal 5th season this fall, and let me tell you, the trailer is looking good. I still get the chills after seeing that season 4 finale. We'll see what's up come September.

In the meantime, enjoy the sneak peek.
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Jesus Ron, clean it up out there. You throw a dying duck out there and hide behind Ronnie-The-Fat-IT-Guy-That-Plays-Volleyball-On-Wednesdays-Exclusively-For-Exercise-Purposes. I'm appalled by this. Not appalled by that chick in red shorts..just you Ron, just you.

To be honest, I think dodgeball might be sneaky best sport to win a girl's heart. Sure there's baseball, basketball, and football, but don't sleep on dodgeball. Talk about a sport where you can step up and be the hero. Ron, take some notes brother.

Go in there, make a joke towards the chick in the red shorts, then explain how you're rich as shit, have an NBA championship, and may or may not have a dog for a wife (scratch that last one). Allow everyone on your team to get knocked out except for her. It shouldn't be a problem because you're a fucking pro-athlete. Proceed to take out all 17 of those nerds on the other side and make sure she's protected. Give her a wink after you win and she jumps in your arms.

Bingo, Bango, Bongo.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

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A simple and genuine case of making it work with the resources around you. No buckets necessary with the bricks, poles and street signs readily available. I gotta admit I'm slightly embarrassed due to my my inabilities to lay down phat beats like this on a real drumset. Dude should be touring the world like a rockstar...

Friday, July 23, 2010

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Seriously, though? One year--$0 to show for it. I thought I'd be living on a yacht blogging from Tahiti at this point. Instead I'm chillin' on a half-couch-type-thing that's questionably stable, blogging while absolutely hammered. Truly a night and day dream/real-life scenario. Like I couldn't be more opposite from that yacht, Scrooge McDuck dream sequence I have every night. Every single night. No nightmares or strange transcendent dreams like normal people, just Dub Jeezy acting out the title sequence from Ducktales replacing Scrooge as he dives into a pile of coins. Now that's something I'd like to address. My man Scrooge was taking a 30 foot dive into some coins. Coins don't have much give or take to them, so if that was a realistic scenario of a well-dressed duck getting tossed into a pool of coins, the duck would be extremely dead. And let's not even address the issues of taking all of these coins to the local CoinStar. We all know the government secretly put a ban on buying things with coins.

I digress. Back to how no one is clicking the fucking ads. I know they are as poorly placed as can be, but I ask you to scroll down, click the ad for Terminix and give me an opportunity to feed my kids out here. I don't have kids, but I really want one, but not for serious. If you understood that you should work to get me a child without going to jail or impregnating/being pregnant with one. To be honest, I don't even know what this post is about anymore.

I'm drunk and you should be too. Have a spectabulous weekend. Spectabulous. Buzz word of the next two days. Use it and Pee-Wee's Playhouse shit will definitely start happening at the bar you are at.
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Yes. That shit is made of sand. Mufasa and a mouse just hangin' out in the sand. Not my first choice for a sand castle, but damn this is good. I was under the assumption that the only way you can make sand "castles" was with buckets and maybe some crazy larger-bucket type contraption. How do you make this? I am legitimately looking at methods of sand castle building in a Google Search at 12:45 at night.

Sometimes it's best to just hang up the buckets and accept you won't be that sand castle builder. Hopefully Brett Favre is reading this post and getting the picture...
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Had to scour the Japanese Youtube for this one, but god damn it was it worth it from an absolutely terrifying standpoint. For those of you that were immediately out for this video, I'll briefly describe it (for what I was able to watch). Apparently there is this shark out there terrorizing the game with an unorthodox approach to doing things. Dude appears to have an extra mouth, a permanent snarl, and a face that appears to have seen a lot. I'd feel bad for it, but in all honesty, I think it feels plenty bad for itself.

Do your thing Goblin Shark. Oh yeah, it's called the Goblin Shark. Your life is pretty much a wash if your name has "goblin" included in it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

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Just being modern thinkers, that's what these guys are doing. It's like when Henry Ford created the car, and when Steve Jobs decided to make Apple Computers. These guys said, "Fuck kites, we're putting donkeys in the air." I can't get mad at the attempt. Sure people may be a little put off by tossing a donkey in the air, but you best believe that I will be tossing my baby on a parasail with the quickness. I have to get a jump on the "Baby in the Watermelon" people soon or else.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

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Will Smith said it right...Then he himself became a dad and this is what happened. Could be a first hand tale of the case that parents just don't understand (or maybe not, just more so wanted to link a pair of Will Smith videos). But anyway I'm about to take it a step further and say that kids now a days are dealing with a hell of a lot more than curfews and allowance disputes. In this day and age they're addressing more questions than ever and it's all technologies fault.

Gotta love the parents, but at what age do people decide to completely shut it down in regards to following all tutorials...I say 45-50. We have to take into account that recent inventions are automatically used improperly by anyone around this age and up. So how about a Top 3 list of things kids simply don't want to explain...

1) iTunes: I don't know about you but there's always an ipod/tunes issue at least once a month in the Craw household..."I just got my new Rod Stewart CD, think you could help me plug it into my computer?" Insert disk and upload music 30 seconds later..."oh thank god I've been stressing about that all day."

2) Controlling Facebook: I knew it would happen...
when old people get wind of facebook and use it poorly. Love the support but its somewhat embarrassing to post something on your wall to receive nothing but a thumbs up button from your mom and no one else. Still have aunts and uncles out there with no pictures up and writing on their own walls with the impression that I check everything. If I don't respond to these messages it becomes a long conversation and overall big mess at the next family reunion.

3) Other Ways of Communication: Facebook developing chat on the bottom right leaves a solid 9 different ways the rents can potentially reach me at work to ask if I want a red or blue fleece for Christmas...Texting creates a whole new ballgame. I always feel inclined to answer due to the fact that there was so much effort put into the 5 words typed on the other end.

So at what point will I not be able to figure shit out?
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Well obviously Shark Week is coming, and you know who's pissed? Corporate Shark there in the left corner. Fucking pissed off. I don't blame him to be honest. Dude is stuck inside crunching numbers, napping in the bathroom, and going to meaningless meetings while there is an inflatable shark outside getting everyone amped up. Sharks everywhere are wild'n out while Corporate Shark is just trying to live a charmed life. His analyst job is great and all, but sometimes you just have to get out there and get after it.
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Where my baby at? I could have sworn that about 9 posts ago I asked for someone to deliver on my pretty simple request of getting me a baby without me actually having one or any illegal acts. I've been failed by the readers of this blog once again!

I'm getting beaten to the punch on every single opportunity to expose a baby in a disturbingly hilarious situation. I have to think fast or all my ideas are going to be scratched off the board.

It's like a player you coveted in a draft type scenario getting scooped up before you get to pick them. I'm running out of options here.

Monday, July 19, 2010

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So I have a girl roommate that watches "The Bachelorette" incessantly. It's really not my cup of tea and doesn't fit my standard for dating television which by these titles--Flavor Of Love, I Love New York, For The Love Of Ray J, Rock Of Love, and Those Two Washed Up WRs Looking For Love--is strictly VH1. Because I am stricken with laziness from the hours of 8-11pm, I have to watch it if I'm on the couch. Let me tell ya, I would not be cut out for that stuff.

I am not what a woman would call "romantic" (emphasis on the quotes there, actually I better bold them) or "romantic." I've become all sorts of wack in terms of dateability over the years. When I first got to school I was a dating machine. You best believe the Friday night dinner-movie play was still in full effect with a young Dub Jeezy terrorizing the scene. Years went by, I learned the way of the party hook-up, and the rest is history. All opportunities for relationships died and will probably be dead for the foreseeable future. Here's where the point of this post comes would I do on the Bachelor?

First off, my lifestyle is where the problem lies. We're going to go out to some lavish function where myself and my V-neck tee will not be welcome. Then instead of Cascada and Major Lazer blaring on repeat, I'll probably be hearing a symphony orchestra? She'll be sipping red wine while I am struggling at the bar trying to understand why they don't serve Bud Lights. Even outside of the night scene, everything involves water--ALL THE TIME. Check a random Bachelor scene. They're either on a boat or a beach. Like clockwork. Dub J doesn't mess around with water. Plus the production crew does not have the money and time to be wasting on me when I catch the inevitable -itis and pass out beachside like a sexy motherfucking whale. Don't even get me started on how early these people wake up. I'd be forced to casually jst slip into the elimination room, toss my rose away, and leave without a trace, saving myself the embarrassment.

It'd just wouldn't work out. Plus, I'm black (if you didn't figure that out by the lack of swimming/-itis references, step your mild-racism up) so you know I don't have a chance.

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It's looking like 2012 in these streets.... Not too long ago I was sitting back eating a casual dinner in front of the TV when a Tornado warning hit the screen. While most people would panic, I didn't hesitate to dish out a few weird looks and prepare to make fun of this shit to anyone that would listen...luckily to all but me there was no one in sight to hear my opinions on the weather forecast.

So fast forward to the present moment, I decided to follow that god damn warning and hide out in my basement as bombs drop all around my house. Every so often a lightning flash will hit the room like a Men and Black memory wipe. Tornados in MA...A summer of sweating, bugs and storms...and a genuine happy Monday from WMD.
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Straight up gruesome pic right here. Almost as gruesome as the Sharktopus thing below. I have to be honest here. I still hear the Tetris theme song in my head throughout some days. Yeah, it's weird as shit, I know, but that shit was a JAM. Absolute hit. Back to how I still hear this song everyday though. You know those moments where you just have a blank head and are straight zoning out on your Excel spreadsheet? Those are the moments that the Tetris song is guiding me through the day.

Yup, you just read a blog about someone strangely hearing the Tetris theme throughout the day, by a guy who hears the Tetris theme throughout the day.
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Hmm..I casually saw this on the internet throughout the day and just brushed it off as another bat-shit crazy movie attempt by the guys over at SyFy. Then I kept looking and still thought it was really stupid. Finally I came to the conclusion that the movie was so ridiculously fucking stupid that I had to post it. Seriously. I would be doing a disservice as a mediocre blogger of all things cool/weird/unnecessary if I didn't put this up.

Friday, July 16, 2010

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If you don't think I'm bringing my sunglasses out and crankin' that Ray Charles at some point this weekend, you must be outside your mind. Shit is catchy. Also, everyone can get involved: young-old, black-white, blind-unblind--this dance has a flavor for everyone.

Have a good one.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

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Ok, I can respect some simple practicality in the world. When my soda spills, I put a cap on it. When we have a leaky faucet, we put a cap on it. When my girl roommate continuously guessed it, we ask her to politely be quiet because we are most likely watching jeopardy and can't hear the question.

Moral of the story: caps solve most of the world's problems--except for women, exclusively, they'll always be a problem.
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Hey Carter, of course it's not wrong to pee on a cat if it's by the toilet. Hell, it''s even not wrong to piss on the cat in general if it's a shitty cat overall. You know those cats that scratch you for no reason while their under a chair? Yeah, that cat. It's completely cool to pee on that cat. Don't pee on any cats that lounge their ass off though. Those are my boys/my cat/me/Craw/everyone that lives in my house.

If you piss on that cat, that means you're pissing on me...
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In what can only be described as a day off for the CEO for a multi-dollar corporation, I missed a day, so what. Craw picked it up. And by picked it up I mean he posted a shit ton of sports related posts that are semi-related to pop culture. That's his thing and I can't knock it.

Currently, I'm venturing into his realm here. A good ol' fashioned facial on an NBA All-Star. Can't say I've done that myself. The closest thing I've done was dunk on a fairly drunk hispanic gentleman ranging from the age of 32-45 on a 9 foot rim. Life's all about the small victories.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

First TO and now Ochocinco...VH1 has been trying to build themselves back up since Megan Wants a Millionaire took a turn for the worst. I guess Chad's show will simply involve 85 women fighting for his love. This might actually be interesting due to the fact that Esteban is just about as insane as he is entertaining. What more can you ask for in regards to shitty reality television...I mean the dude is also currently promoting his own brand condoms where you're guaranteed to "catch everything your Johnson shoots."

Let's look at the other off-field projects #85 has been involved with. OCNN was a delight along with his run on Dancing with the Stars. I do have to say I don't think anything can beat his autobiography Ochocinco: What Football and Life Have Thrown My Way.  Here you'll be able to read Chad essentially throw a number of NFL co-workers under the bus while discussing other personal life challenges. Here are a few excerpts.

Taking on other sports: "F*** yeah, I could play easy" (on joining the NBA before diving into professional boxing). "I don't know what my contract says about boxing, but I don't care. You know why? Because I'd be worth millions in just one fight. Serious, I could make $15, $20 million easy to fight somebody like Mayweather."

Family Life: '"They know who I am." (What more could a kid want...) "I don't spend the time I should with them. I haven't grasped the concept of what being a father is."'

And after he conquers reality TV, he'll likely make his way into theatre since clearly stating that he "should be in a Broadway show. I'm that good." Also for a quick laugh make sure to check his twitter page. Keep it coming Chad, everyone except for commissioner Goodell is definitely appreciative.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Highlights from Today's British Open news conference...

Question: "Tom Watson has said you need to clean up your act on the golf course. He's gone on record. Many of us over the years have heard you use the F word, we've seen you spit on the course, and we've seen you throw tantrums like chucking your clubs around. Are you willing to cut out all those tantrums this week and respect the home of golf?"

Woods: "I'm trying to become a better player and a better person, yes."

Tiger's response to relations with Canadian doctor and steroid supplier Anthony Galea: "I can't go into any of that because of the fact that it's an open case so far."

Tiger's response to his impending divorce: "I'm not going to go into that."

BOOM! I see you overseas media dropping bombs with no regard on the best golfer in the world....It was nice to see the aggressive British reps at St Andrews really punch in and go to work. I appreciate the fact that there wasn't a clean cut ESPN columnist leading the flow of questions for once. The only thing that would've made LeBron's "Decision" worthwhile would be for the guys at the Open to conduct the interview. They would've had him crying changing his mind to re-sign with Cleveland on the spot
// //

Hold the mothereffin' phone people. This dude was truly driving with the TV Hat on. I've seen it all. They really didn't transition at all there. It went from a chick on a beach, to jacked dude working out, to a split-second shot of a dude at his camp, directly to the dude obstructing his vision on the road with the TV Hat.

I mean it's awesome because I can lounge with the best of them, but I can't see this going over well in the law enforcement field. First it was Playstations, then cell phones, now we have TV Hats to ban.

We have reached the bat shit crazy level of the no-fun-zone indeed.

Monday, July 12, 2010

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What a stellar performance by David Ortiz in the 2010 HR Derby. Everyone thought he was too big to keep his stamina for the final round. 11 bombs later the analysts are praising him as one of the best hitters in the game, looking back on their notes when they dubbed him washed up back in April.

Good to see Ortiz having fun tonight. It's been a tough ride lately between his early slump, lack of nightlife creativity and steroid accusations.  It's clear that he's back in full swing heading into the second half of the regular season. And as for the marketing schemes...they aren't all that bad...hopefully tonight's W will lead Big Papi's En Fuego
hot sauce to increase in sales.
// //

So I own a cat and a turtle. Both unfortunately on their way out and this is strangely the interaction I forced upon them. My cat almost completely mirrors my personality, so he was not really feelin' what my turtle was offering. Turtle was just trying to get involved and bridge the gap between the king of the land and the king of the sea. This translates to a young Jeezy locking both in the bathroom and forcing their interaction. Once both realized they were screwed and had no real chance of escape, they gave it a go. My cat ended up on top of the ceiling somehow with the turtle completely meeting the turtle-stereotype struggling upside down on his shell. Lackluster performance by both Leonardo and Garfield..

You guys decide which was named which.

PS. I was not a creative child.
// //

Pretty cut and dry huh? Had no reserves left after that entire inappropriate endeavor. Thing that made the video spectacular was the fact that the dog didn't even know what happened. Like he blacked out mid-stuffed animal assault came too and reacted just about how I do after leaving the Thanksgiving table. People talking to me, not responding, stumbling and collapsing on the couch, having my Mom chillin' with 911 on the speed-dial.

Me and you hump-crazy-narcoleptic-dog, we're not too different.
// //

What up nostalgia?!

If you've read one post on this blog, you know that I am a shameless nerd/borderline alcoholic/the effing man. This post is clearly focusing on the nerd portion of me.

If you walk around anywhere in a city, you can't go down a block without encountering a person wearing a "Save The Children" poncho, just getting all up in your grill. They break into that perfect gray-area of sales pitching and accosting you. Matching you step for step, asking you where you're going, occasionally bumping shoulders. You don't know whether you have to fight or pull out your debit card to get them to shut up. Why I chose the Pokemon picture above is obvious for anyone who has played the game. In the game, there would be other "trainers" just POSTIN' up in random spots throughout the game. When you get in their range of vision, they stop you, come up to you, and make you do something you don't want to do: battle Pokemon. What do the Save The Children people do? They force themselves into your range of view, stop you, come up and tell you something you don't want to hear. In most events, you have to make a move to get out of there aka beating the shit out of their Pokemon or stumbling your words and accidentally spurting out, "I don't like it" about an organization that saves children.

I'll say it...I hate you people. Get an internship or be a fuckin' Starbucks barista for pete's sake.

Friday, July 9, 2010

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It's been 3:57 PM for like the last 45 minutes. Shit is starting to get ridiculous up in this piece. Also, since it's this kid's last day and because I haven't seen the boss in what feels like 2 weeks, people are getting ICED at work. Yeah, I thought it was dead too, but apparently the zombie version of icing decided to come back and terrorize me at my place of work. Granted the kid dealt with the awesomely gay situation like a champ--said, "Fuck you guys" and drank two Smirnoff smoothies in about 6 seconds, then reopened his Excel sheet. I shed a figurative tear.

Even after typing all that, I think it's STILL 3:57 PM. And my stapler is broke. Broke to the point where it has become a certifiable weapon of death and destruction. Device is shooting 3 staplers at a time at roughly 450mph. It even set up a hilariously devastating "That's What She Said Moment" for me. Kid down the way saw me wielding said destructor stapler and said the faithful words, "I'm scared I am going to get hit in the eye." His face sunk as he was saying eye, because he knew he was about to get megatron spiked with the best TWSS people have heard in weeks. It was like I won the NBA championship or something. Needless to say, it's still 3:57 PM and I am realizing that I have to type at a clip of 700 WPM.

Is Ginuwine inappropriate? Because 10 years later with a full understanding of these lyrics I truly wonder what the fuck I was doing going to FYE and buying the Ginuwine CD when I was like 12.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Ladies and Gentleman....Introducing the revamped Miami Heat

A while ago I had a revelation where I saw a direct correlation between LeBron James and Anakin Skywalker. Am I nuts or has King James been acting against the Jedi way? For those who don't follow Star Wars just bare with me. You may find this somewhat entertaining.

Revenge of the Sith primarily features Skywalker and his desire and need for greatness. He took every wrong turn possible to the point where his entire existence was completely altered to the powerful Darth Vader. Before learning the wonders of the Dark Side, Anakin was respected as one of the Jedi greats and viewed as the Chosen One. Because the council wouldn't grant him Jedi master, he grew mad while influenced by the Sith Lord Chancellor Palpatine (sorry to all true Star Wars fans for that garbage synopsis).

But anyway...before I had Chancellor Palpatine as Jay-Z to influence LeBron to join the New Jersey Nets. Tonight it's come to my attention that the real Sith Lord is Miami team president Pat Riley. The construction of the Death Star is now in full motion. Together James, D-Wade, Bosh and the 12 role player clones in place will battle together when the time is ripe while taking in all the endorsements. The main question is...who's ready to step up and bring balance to the force. Here's my prediction, but only time will tell.

"The Internet's completely over,” said Prince in a recent Newspaper Interview. “I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won't pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can't get it.”

That's cool Prince. You can go to the papers and your statements can just be translated to the Web from there. As far as your music goes, if anyone is required to take a trip to Newbury Comics or Virgin vs. hitting up iTunes...95% of your sales are out the window.

He also went on to preach that MTV has been dead for years now. “The Internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you."

Maybe the community should just go back to landlines, board games and Newspapers. You wouldn't be reading my words that's for sure. I'll be sure to keep you posted when His Royal Badass has more enlightening things to talk about. In the mean time here's a little something for your viewing pleasure if Prince had you second guessing yourself.

// //

When this moment happened to me, I knew what I had to do. Stuart Scott and Scott Van Pelt were immediately ringed to quickly schedule an ESPN 1-hour long special. The special of course, would be to find out what bar I am going to tonight.

There has been much speculation throughout the local media. A lot of he said/she said moments that I truly want to shed the light about. I’ve been around the city, hearing people chirping, “He only goes to bars that serve $2-$3 Bud Lights. He’s definitely hitting the local scene.” I have also heard, “Please, Dub J, gets paid on Thursdays and rent has been paid…the kid’s going to want to ball out.” While it is always interesting to hear the speculation, it’s best to hear what is going on from the man himself. Before I get into it, I’d like you all to focus on the advertisements that I have laid out specifically for this post. Don’t worry they all go to charity, so feel free to click them MULTIPLE times.

Many things have been true and many statements have been misleading, but 100%, truthfully, on the record, seriousness..I am going to go out to the bars tonight. That much is certain. And to that gentleman in the brown suit that speculated that I would be going to a fancy bar because I got paid, all I have to say to you is, you don’t know Dub “King” Jeezy that well. I will be attending the local bars tonight and the bar of choice will be “Flann O’briens.” I generally have a dece at best time there and the girls range in that gettable level of 5-7. They have somewhat cheap beers and are in close proximity of 7-Eleven and home.

Basically it was the only choice I had. I look forward to drinking at Flann’s tonight and I really appreciate everyone’s enthusiasm for the entire event. It has meant a lot to me that the fans of WMD would start.

PS. I truly wish that really existed.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

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About time. Finally a bum-sauce that I can truly see myself emulating in the highly more likely scenario that I end up homeless. Based on the fact that I am balls deep in a bender right now, odds are that I will probably be fueled on beer by 2011.

Why lie? This blog is strictly used to attain beer money.
// //

A feel good story amidst all the heat and confusion of this sad, sad week we've been dealing with. They're definitely breaking it down.

Question I draw from this: is Kesha the most applicable dance song of all time? Literally it can be used for ANYTHING. Simpsons took it. I saw it being played during a "serious" part of the Hills (ahem...), and now soldiers are dancing their asses off to it. Chick is like an 80 billionaire.
// //

My first thought when I saw the new Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt was how soon can I get one...I used to think the KFC Double Down was badass before eventually identifying it as nothing more than a fried sloppy cordon bleu. This masterpiece trumps the Double Down judging by the picture. Don't sleep on the restaurant where "ice cream makes the meal."

Friendly's describes the new creation as a "thick and juicy 100% Black Angus Big Beef Burger between two whole grilled cheese sandwiches, complete with lettuce, tomato and mayo." This thing is packed with 1,500 calories, 97 grams of fat and 2,090 milligrams of sodium (don't let the minor details intimidate you).

Big ups to Friendly's for going out of their way to get innovative. I appreciate their ability to work against the standard practice of what it is to construct a burger/sandwich in order to please the common fat man. Too bad I couldn't feast during 4th of July weekend because this thing IS America.
// //

The most recent purchase in the world of Craw is a ukulele. Actually it was gift from mom...never even asked for one she just heard me talking about it a few weeks ago (how awesome are moms by the way).

So yeah...nothing but good times ahead with the new 4 string project. Before you know it my tan self will be chillin an Hawaii (cool shades and all) just making a living catching rays and strumming the uke. Beats the daily 9-5 that's for sure. We'll see how long this particular pipe dream lasts. Any Predictions?
// //

Need to have a baby, STAT. I mean, I won't be very good at feeding it or taking care of it in general, but how baller is a baby attached to a baby strap? I'm just here to break barriers guys.

The little (I hope to GOD) guy will just be smiling and giggling for no reason because there isn’t an ounce of knowledge in his eerily soft head and I will reap the benefits. Let’s talk about the big decisions though. If I wore the baby on my back like a Northface there is risk of him just getting straight up stolen while I am taking a nap on my lunch break...or accidentally squishing him. Front end brings about the risk of vomit, which is just plain gross. I ain’t trying to get that Tide pen midday and waste valuable McDonald’s time.

Main reasons why I love these things: 1) The baby is just dangling, I find that hilarious. 2) I can say any joke, good or bad, and have the baby congratulate me via high five. 3) Ladies love babies dangling off a dude, probably a top 5 turn-on.

Problem is, how do I acquire a baby without going to jail or actually having one?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

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There have been a few requests for updated Google Talk convos between Dub Jeezy and I as we kill the required 40 hours a week at our respective desks. The last list of gems highlighted web messenger freestyles, life counseling and dance floor strategies. So back in to the archives I went to collect another best of...hope you enjoy.

Craw: someone just brought out cake in the office
ive never been so pumped about surprise cake
chocolate with peanut butter ice cream
Dub J: nicee
Craw: just wolfed down at least 20% of that cake
Dub J: already?
Craw: well im eating it now
but i definitely took a slice that turned some heads

Dub J: a-crawford, selling tickets, and making things happen
cant get enough of it
Craw: Dub Jeezy, say you want the law - i got the INFO - presenting the facts and
getting - the - job - done
Dub J: Mark Jackson at his best

Craw: still got chills from "O"
Dub J: haha good flick
Craw: i wish i remembered the book
so i could match characters
Dub J: could still read it haha
Craw: haha nah
itd be great if it was an assignment though
Dub J: that would
a legit fun college assignment
Craw: "the human condition proves to be relevant no matter the era...blah blah...with the natural feelings of envy, love and raw emotion..."
Dub J: A+

Craw: still on the 15 minute text delay?
thats a huge pet peeve of mine, whenever a big question comes up
girls love to wait on it
Dub J: its currently at 4
it took me awhile to send it
Craw: yeah
i guess we do it too
you dont know she might be struggling on constructing a perfect response
or she just doesnt care at all
Dub J: yup
the wait
the mating dance

Dub J: just playing "billionaire" on repeat
praying that it happens to me
Craw: not gonna lie i played the lotto twice this week
Dub J: i need something to happen
just hope to hit a 2 million dollar jackpot
Craw: yup
dont have to do anything but cool shit for the rest of your life..
// //

While these shoes make it look like you DEFINITELY have a house arrest bracelet, you can't knock the value here. I'll deal with all the creamsicle-related jokes with my "I'm never bending down again" rebuttal. Once you're able to deal with the stares and the laughs, I think you can resume a solid standard of living.

Hey, don't dare walk in the rain or else you are most definitely electrocuted.
// //

^I'm the one that's upside down and dying from direct contact with a fireball.

Looks like my life is winding down. Went to bed last night and straight up assumed I wasn't going to wake up today. It was simply too hot. My life flashed before my eyes and everything. I saw 4 year old Dub Jeezy recording the international smash hit, "I'm Peeing" on his tape recorder (it literally was just me spitting nonsense while using the bathroom), 12 year old Dub killing it at freeze tag, and 21 year old me regretfully opening up and starting a blog. Pretty awesome life if you ask me.

Things are looking especially grim with this heat today though. I know it's not a ballerific trait to complain, but DAMN. I've been consistently hallucinating and seeing mirages since Saturday. Granted, some of that can be the steady combo of Four Lokos, Mike's Hard Lemonade, and Busch Light, but either way, seeing shit is rarely good. Last night I could have sworn that my fan stared at me, shook it's head, unplugged itself, and then jumped out the window. Made me think I was in some alternate reality or something where normal day temperatures top out in the mid to high 300s of whatever the HELL(emphasis on hell) it is outside.

What I'm trying to say's been a good run. Psych. It's been a marginally terrible run, but a run nonetheless. When my body inevitably disintegrates into the sky, please just make sure "Dub Cheesy" is included somewhere on my Tombstone.
// //

This fake segment that I am going to introduce (and most likely kill) today is about those times in life that you experience a brief, yet satisfying period of bliss without dishing out the deserved credit. The moment that I am going to highlight today is the end of a long car alarm session. Think about it. You’ve never once recognized how happy you feel when an unknown, loud-ass car alarm just finishes going off. Usually it’s when you are sleeping, napping, at work, reading, having an intimate moment, or watching something on television. Basically things you don’t want to get interrupted from. I am here to pay homage to that moment when the honking/beeping stop and you can resume your regularly scheduled shit. It makes you appreciate how much you enjoyed doing what you were doing before you were interrupted. It’s one of those rare moments that you are excited to get back to work.

Cheers to you moment-following-the-end-of-a-long-car-alarm-sequence, because without you, we would surely appreciate things less.

Monday, July 5, 2010

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Remember Ben Stiller in Heavyweights as Camp Director Tony Perkis...He may have been too hard on Goldberg and the other the fat kids at camp but I think I could handle his methods. As a matter of fact it might just be the best thing for me to get back in shape.

For those who don't already know...I'm not what you would call a good "self-motivator." Doesn't help that my thought process for dinner starts roughly 45 minutes after lunch break is over. It'd be much easier to focus if a frustrated Tony Perkis was waiting outside to hit the gym everyday after work.

Definitely one of Stillers top roles by the way. Glad to see this movie still gets the occasional 2 pm filler slot on a hungover Sunday/Monday. Stay tuned for a productive work week ahead.
// //

I'm a simple guy. I like long weekends, McDonald's, and bat-shit crazy basketball announcers that compare marginal players to centuries-old sculptures.

Let me get some Bill Walton gems for you guys from

“You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him.”--Vlad Radmanovic's stats last year: 6 ppg, 4 rpg, 38% FG

If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he’s going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo.”--Hmm, his stats read off with a career average of 7 ppg.

Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game.”-Damn, I thought Pat Chewing was pretty decent.

On Larry Johnson’s lackluster performance in the NBA Finals: “What a pathetic performance by this sad human being. This is a disgrace to the game of basketball and to the NBA. He played like a disgrace tonight. And he deserved it.”--Jesus Bill.

Wow. I recommend you check out the rest of those quotes, but yea, I'll see you bozos back on the 9-5 grind tomorrow. Don't forget your cyanide pills.
// //

OK, we get it North Korea. We at WMD are waving the figurative white flag. I've been consistently wondering how a country the size of a pinpoint on the map can have so much power. Plus their leader looks like a huge lesbian. On the outside, they really have nothing going for them, but then you dig deep and things start to make a little more sense. There have to be roughly 5 nukes per city block. It's like Starbucks down there.

My friend played this for me and I thought it was fake/only 30 seconds long/terrifying. Chick/potential dude definitely breaks it down.

Friday, July 2, 2010

4th of July. That time where us Americans get together and crush beers, burgers and french fries as we light shit up and watch the sky sparkle. At the peak of independence day BBQ activities, don't be surprised to catch me inside on the couch watching the most thrilling and underrated event of the year...

The Annual Nathan's July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest

Last year Joey Chestnut represented the U.S. well, downing 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes to stand alone at the top of the record books while earning his third straight title over Takeru Kobayashi. The Japanese phenom may opt out of this year’s contest due to a recent "injury." New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg shared his opinions on the matter, saying "well, you know what they say: If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen."

Despite the clear advantage going to Joey "Jaws" with Kobayashi out of the picture, look for Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas to step up and pose a threat. The 98-pound garbage disposal is the number five competitive eater in the United States, ranked sixth in the world with 29 world titles. As always, our friends at ESPN will be providing the coverage in Cony Island. Happy 4th from WMD.
// //

In just a few short hours, workers everywhere are going to snap. The most worth-it long weekend of the year is slightly upon us. I was telling co-blogger Craw that even within my office shit is just not getting done (hence the post). Dude I’m sitting near just decided to stare down a healthy stack of files on his desk, open his drawer, and toss every file into the drawer. While I was in awe I didn’t completely lose it until I saw his next move. The bold son of a bitch decided to just open up a game of Text Twist. Granted, he’s been here longer than me and has accomplished a lot, but that’s just mailing in a workday because as we all know, you can’t play just one game of Text Twist. The next move he can possibly make is play the game with the sound on. That’d just be ridiculous. A sign that he may quite possibly be hammered. I’m reasonably sure I heard him mumble that he was going to a bar for his lunch break.

Didn’t think he was serious. Any who, it’s going dizzown tonight!

PS. Yes, that is a still shot from the "Tipsy" music video.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

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In light of the chaos that's about to ensue this NBA offseason, I figure it's only appropriate for me to draw up a proposal for LeBron James to consider working under WMD. Every NBA organization has to be throwing some kind of offer towards the 2X MVP, so why not get in on the action. Without further ado, my pitch to King James.

LeBron, as an entry level young professional, I'd be willing to offer an unpaid internship with a potential salary later to be determined within the next two years.  Can't promise the best health insurance or dental plan, but the work environment is better than sub-par.

Before we continue, it's vital for you to be proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel. Get familiar with blogger templates and draft up a few design ideas. We're highly aware of your marketing capabilities. Social media would be you're biggest focus. LBJ@WMD facebook, twitter, squidoo, the works. Overtime work will consist of accompanying Dub Jeezy and I around at the bars to give us a better chance at the females. Take it or leave it.


Working Man's Diary Corporation

But honestly though, if I was a multi-billionaire why not offer one of these mega-free agents a max+ contract to take care of my busy work for fun. Carlos Boozer - would you mind faxing this over for me? Thanks bud. Yo D-Wade - what's good with lunch? Dirk - on your way out can you grab me a case of beer...much appreciated. Just another reason why the world is better off while I still have no money.
// //

Always a big day on the diary when we get a Rock Band related video AND a shit ton of animals fighting. Just different animals from all over the place fighting in strange locations they don't normally live.

Can bears beat anything? I'm pretty sure they're the most awesome animal in the game right now. A buddy of mine is considering a tattoo. Stick with me here. He wants to get a tattoo titled the "Heart of the Bear." Basically just a picture of a bear's face on his heart. Yeah...