Thursday, May 31, 2012

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Welp, this sucked for everyone. The sheep obviously, the truck, the drivers on the highway, the paramedics, me for blogging it. Fucking errybody got the raw deal here.

This brings me back to discussing the morning commute. Sometimes you get stuck in traffic. Sometimes the weather sucks. And sometimes 400 sheep smash your car to pieces. Imagine making that call into work:

"I'm not really sure how to put this, but I'm going to be a little late getting into work"

"Well, what happened?"

"Umm...I think 375 err, wait no, 379 sheep just fell out of a truck onto my car. I have to wait for AAA to sort this out."

"Come to my office when you get in"

"Sheep fell on my car" is the new "The dog ate my homework." On that note, were dogs really crushing social studies assignments like that? They get a pretty bad rap for eating multiple sheets of paper. I digress.

RIP Sheep.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

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NFL Offseason must be a weird time. You're kind of just sitting there with millions of dollars to spend, countless admirers, and so much time to spend on Adobe Photoshop. Personally, I'd be surprised if DeSean didn't photoshop a dead rapper and a dead terrorist leader together wearing sports jerseys.

DeSean may have opened up Pandora's Box. Completely inappropriate dead famous-figure-pairing Photoshops may be what's hot in the streets:

1) Mother Theresa and Princess Diana selling quilts on the Home Shopping Network

2) Rick James and Aaliyah playing a game of Connect Four

3) Michael Jackson and Gary Coleman making pancakes

Come on DeSean, I'm just spitballin' here. Good start, but I'm expecting more from you in the future, brodie.
// //

First things first, that's hot chocolate. If not, it's the weakest cup of coffee, I've ever seen. Tan as shit. So much half-and-half. If this is real, the nerd in me is impressed and undoubtedly has an erection. The detail on that Koopa Trooper is Nobel Prize worthy.

But let's get to the real issue here. Super Mario Bros. level fucking one. Was it just me or was the start of this game abnormally difficult? Really put you in a pickle. Like, "Do I get the five coins/mushrooms in the brick and risk death via this turtle with anime eyes?" I'm not going to even front. I remember coming home all excited that I had a Nintendo and Super Mario--popped in the game, pressed "Start", went for the coins, died, and cried for the rest of the night. I literally had to be consoled because my plumber hero got brutally murdered by a lethargic turtle. You can probably see why I ended up being a blogger.
// //

So I just came back from the dentist and I am straight up in bad shape right now. Fighting off tears, banging my head on my desk, and still composing bomb Excel pivot tables. I do it for you guys. Don't forget that.

Here's the deal: I haven't gone to the dentist in roughly 50 years and when I went in for my pre-screening last week they treated me like I had AIDS in my gums. Called my teeth "remarkable" despite the "tragic" situation in my mouth. And they somehow explained that I was in a state or purgatory with gingivitis. Basically had it, but didn't officially have it. That brings me to today where the actual procedure went down.

Apparently it's in the dentist handbook to throw a cute hygenist at you with a very mousy voice to tell you that everything will be ok. Lies. It's not ok. They STAB you in the mouth with drug juice and your face strokes out. Then they ask you questions while your lips are drooping and drool is falling all over the place to purposely make you look like an asshole.

"Does this give you any discomfort?"

"Uarggh oufff arggg"

Ok, you're such a trooper. I'll proceed"

Then after a mish-mash of water, spit, compressed air, chiseling and tons of blood, it's over. Much like the silence of gunfire after the end of battle, the hygienist handed me a prescription for mouthwash, undoubtedly muttered "sucha bitch" under her breath, and told me to have a great day.

When you're numb you think, "that actually wasn't that bad." You look in the mirror, see some bloody, mildly fucked up gums and think you're god damn Hercules. That shit comes to a sudden HALT when the novacane wears off. You revert back to a 4 year old that scraped his/her knee and lose all sense of reality. I made two trips to the bathroom strictly to compose myself (and nap a bit, of course). No blogger joking intended, this shit hurts. It burns, stings, aches, and itches all at the same time.

The thing is, I wouldn't be the 6435th ranked blogger in the world if I didn't play through the pain. I'd be doing a disservice to all of you if I didn't post about me being a real nancy bitch and informing you all about how much the dentist sucks.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

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And that's the internet in a nutshell. As soon as you think you saw everything, it hits you with 6 different species of monkey from all over the globe playing electronic dance music.

Call me crazy, but half these monkeys looked like cats, two looked like monkeys and one of them looked like a lizard. Shit was kind of bizarre and a tad unnerving. Regardless of what these "monkeys" actually were, they couldn't play the synths to save their lives. Please refer to this for true electronica magic.

Part of me wanted the monkey things to dominate the synths, so dubstep/electronica/David Guetta would fade away. Real talk, I'm just super jealous that a guy like Guetta is famous and not advising me that a self-checkout machine just opened up in the local CVS.
// //

Once you go ATM in your kitchen, you truly can't go back. Makes me jealous as hell that I don't have one. What do I do when I need quick cash while I'm putting together some chicken parm? Can't just call my bank and ask them to slip money under my door. As weird as this may sound, I kinda resent all my kitchen appliances right now. Like, "Yeah, you're a blender and pretty good at making smoothies, but can you give me $400 right now?" Nothing can answer "yes" to that question except a kitchen ATM.

Good luck cooking meals for the rest of your life now that you know what you could have had.
// //

Can a brotha watch an NBA playoff game without experiencing symptoms of epilepsy anymore? Take it very easy, movie.

I'm sitting there watching games hoping that the players play perfectly, commit zero infractions and none of the coaches call timeout so they don't go to commercial. Commercial break=one, possibly two Prometheus trailers=my body going into fight-or-flight mode=I'm embarrassingly scared. Not a good look for a 24 year old male watching the NBA on a Monday night.

And what the FUCK is up with the "sound" that starts at the 0:43 mark? I can't even call it music. Either way, I'm pretty sure it's the sound you hear right before you die. I'm done with this shit.

I feel you, bro:

// //

^it's like those movies where the cool jocks come to ruin the nerd party and drink all of their beer. Except with cows and hicks.

They drank ALL the beer? In the words of the great Ronald Burgandy, "I'm not even mad; that's amazing."

Back in my college days when 400 underage kids crowded a 10x10 foot enclosure, beer was in very short supply. Kegs got tapped in 5 minutes and bottles were blatantly stolen out of fridges. Nowadays, every "party" we have has about 15 wounded soldiers (partially drank beer) and capless bottles scattered throughout the house. To the untrained eye, it looked like a wild party went on, but in reality, no one really drank that much. We're just getting old.

Back in the day it took me 10-12 beers to get pretty drunk. Now that number varies severely. The other night I had TWO beers and was borderline incapacitated. Three mixed drinks and I'm liable to throw up before the night's over. Add in the aggressive hangover and I'm basically a shell of my former self.

So drink on you alcoholic fucking cows. Get it in while you can because before you know it, you're going to take two sips of a beer you clearly didn't want to buy, look around sneakily, and put it down on a table where your friends or bartender couldn't see it.

PS. Can we stop calling cows, "bovine?" I'm so against things having two names that I am legitimately going to write a letter to Congress.

Friday, May 25, 2012

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Light day at Animal Rescue, huh?

I can picture a bunch of dudes in crudely designed animal-related polo shirts half-sleep sitting around one red telephone.

::Phone rings and a startled/shocked Animal Rescue team member answers::

AR: Clears throat, "Um, hello?"

Caller (clearly very old): "Hello, officer. There is a duck wandering the side of the pond and I'm not quite sure it's ok"

AR: "Ma''s a duck. How can you be sure if it's ok or not?"

Old Ass Lady: "It just looks really tired and confused. It would be best if someone came and took a look at it"

AR (mumbles, "Jesus Christ" under his breath): "We're on it, ma'am."

After much explanation and swearing, the Animal Rescue team goes off in search of a presumably "out of it" duck, citing, "Hey, it beats the hell out of pulling cats out of the tree and removing raccoons from garbage cans."

At least that's how I saw this play out in my head.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

// // --I almost want to call this "Levels Pt. 2"

Seriously, when do the checks start pouring in? When will my track be used for the latest Michael Bay movie trailer? And WHEN can I stand in front of millions of screaming, drugged out people and get to play "next" on my iTunes?

These are the questions I need answers to, because I think I just burned my eardrums and seared my retinas with this track. You think I know what an oscillator is? Nope. Plus, I'm convinced an envelope is something you use to mail things and has nothing to do with music. Either way, I'm a DJ now. And I'm pretty sure my nationality instantly became Swedish once I pressed the triangular "Play" button on the Google-Piano-8-track player.

So what's next? Do I call Akon and let him sort this shit out? He seems like he knows what to do in these situations.
// //
^if that picture doesn't make you instantly laugh, I don't think you have a soul. Just a zebra and a macaw freaking out, praying that they get this expunged from their records.

Back when I was a single-lad, my wingmen sucked. We were far too competitive and had such a every-man-for-himself attitude that no one ever found success. Every phone number was a struggle and every conversation was c-blocked. Well, I can GUARANTEE none of these problems would occur if I rolled in with a zebra and a macaw.

A certain tone is set when you walk into the local watering hole with exotic animals. The jukebox record stops, people stare you down, mouth agape, and the bartender has a drink ready before you can even sit down. I can't see too many things more baller than asking three chicks if you can borrow their chairs so you can create a secure enclosure for your fucking zebra. And I'd 100% make sure that the macaw is on my shoulder at all times.

Just kidding, I'd freak the fuck out if a dude rolled into a bar with these monsters. Zebras are all fun and games on the Discovery Channel, but I'm not trying to get my glass kicked out of my hand if it becomes startled. And what the fuck is a macaw, seriously? If it's not a parrot or the birds from either Lion King or Aladdin, I want nothing to do with it. I'd arrest the shit out of this dude in a second.

Tried desperately to make a "We Bought A Zoo" joke, but there just wasn't an opening.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

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Someone had to say it. Summer is a gift and a curse. A wonderful time of sun and high spirits, but also a time when people fucking expect you to do stuff.

I'm a creature of habit. Love my Saturday and Sunday midday naps. Any time that's disrupted, my entire life falls off track. Summer loves to disrupt. There's always a friend that's like, "You can just sleep on the beach." Uh, no. There's sand there. And crabs and shit. Can't get into my REM with a pincer on my balls.

Let's dive into things that are "expected" of you in the summer, but sometimes you just don't want to do them.

1) The beach
-As I've said before, people just want you to live your day-to-day life out on the beach. "Do what you'd normally do at home" is what I hear. What it boils down to is: a) jumping into water that's entirely too cold because you're rushing it and want to be cool in front of everyone b) getting sand EVERYWHERE on your body and in your bag for the next 8 months.

2) The park
-Dogs and babies are cool for like 3 minutes when they have no relation to you. Believe me, I love to people watch with the best of them, but let me do it at my own pace, summer. The first 80 degree day, I'm attacked by people that want to chill at the park. Why? So I can stare at chicks and throw bread at ducks? That ain't me. Unless there's a pond to skip rocks at, I'm probably out.

3) The city
-This is the most confusing. Girls mainly like to do this one. While most of us work, interact, and go out in the city majority of our weeks, it becomes THAT much more appealing when it's nice out. Why are drinks on a deck 1000x better than drinks 2 feet to the right inside the bar? I'm a victim of this one too, but it's mind boggling. I foresee at least 8 window shopping excursions in the next 3 months.

4) Sports you don't normally play
-"Anyone up for some frisbee?" What the fuck is a frisbee? I'm sweating just thinking about being "up" for anything in the summer. Put the god damn bocce set and croquet mallets away and watch the Star Wars marathon they're showing on FX.

5) Grill shit
-None of you motherfuckers know how to grill. You just like the idea. We're twentysomethings who sat around and pranced around while Pops semi-burned some steaks and Mom got some corn on the cob ready. What are you going to do with 8 raw chicken cutlets, some Lawry's chicken seasoning, a propane grill and no propane? Order out and eat outside. George Foreman.

6) Anything else that's not: alcohol games, concerts, fishing, real sports, and staring at chicks
-Summer boils down to moderation. You can't go super hard into any one activity or you'll hate yourself and everyone around you. Treat it like a buffet and sample everything. Don't play too hard, avoid sweating, don't sexually harass anyone, and DO drink daquiris.

Summer is coming, Winterfell. Summer is coming.
// //

My man looking like a Geico caveman out here. I ain't mad at him one bit either. Frankly, it's a miracle Adam Morrison hasn't developed a tragic addition to heroin/crack/meth/JJ Redick voo-doo doll stabbing/pain-killers because that seemed like one of the easiest bets a few years ago.

What would you give to see Jay-Z giving motivational courtside pep-talks to Adam "He's Somehow Gotten Uglier" Morrison? A kidney? A pinkie toe? I honestly can't think of anything funnier than seeing HOV barking orders and Beyonce shielding Blue Ivy's eye's from Morrison's entire body. "Nets can go 0-82, and I look at you like that shit gravy"--No you won't Jay. You'll panic and resign.

PS. Did that reporter quit right after the interview or the next day? When you're interviewing cave-dweller, Adam Morrison, your career is in a weird spot.

Friday, May 18, 2012

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Does MIB3 suck? I'm not one to analyze a picture (pretty sure 98% of WMD is me analyzing pictures), but Will doesn't seem like a happy camper on premiere night. Lucky for him, he can do no wrong in my eyes.

I can absolutely see where he's coming from though. I'm 300% not trying to get kissed by a Ukranian dude reporter. But Will, don't you have like seven 6'9 350lb dreadlocked-out bodyguards that can come to your aid at a moment's notice and erase this non-glasses-wearing Stephen Colbert looking motherfucker off the grid? You made "Big Willie Style" and we forgave you for Hancock, you deserve a bit more respect and protection for this.

On a very real note, is getting slapped the most disrespectful thing that can happen to anyone? I think it is. In medival times, dudes got decapitated and hung as a result of getting slapped. No coming back from that. Toss some Johnson's Baby Powder in your palm, swing, and potentially ruin someone's life forever.
// //
^easily the most misguided garbage-chute hiding attempt of all time

Hiding might be the scariest experience in the world. You're just sitting/standing there in a cramped space trying to adjust your breathing so you don't make noise/pass out. One of your feet is undoubtedly going to fall asleep, so be aware of that when you try to move so you don't break your face. Then there's the self-doubt, like "Is this even a fucking hiding spot?", "Are my feet exposed?", and the ever popular, "What if no one finds me/everyone forgets about me?" You can figure out why I absolutely despise Hide'N Go Seek. Way too many, "Oops, sorry Dub, we stopped playing and forgot to tell you to stop hiding"s in my life.

Toss in a pissed girlfriend, the fire department, the jaws of life, confused/ridiculing neighbors and you might as well take me out back and put a bullet in my head. No more hiding. Just stay where you are or straight up leave.
// //
(tasteless image choice)

It's like I've always said, any time you smuggle more than 4 roasted fetuses into another country, you're probably there for a reason.

While I'm not well-versed in the roasted-fetus smuggling game, I can imagine that this dude had to be involved in some sort of business transaction. A few roasted fetuses for a hologram Charizard Pokemon card? Maybe a Furby? Unsure how they translate currency-wise.

::Reads story further, throws up, redacts every previous word written::

Yikes. This is some next level fucked up stuff, that even my piss poor moral compass can't dive into further. Ground up, disintergrated baby pills? Nah, that ain't me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

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....Is by changing the entire structural design and turning it into Monopoly. As long as the entire cast of Friday Night Lights, Rihanna, Eric from True Blood and the immortal Liam Neeson are still fighting "aliens" that look eerily like Transformers, I'll probably see it. Plus, anytime a movie is made by the same company that made Connect 4, you have to go.

And can we please recognize that the original OG 1%'er is the Monopoly guy. My man rocks a monocle AND a cane. With no back or leg problems. That's a level of baller that hasn't been seen since the Great Depression.

Sorry Jay, I think Rich Uncle Pennybags invented swag.
// //

It's agreed that the Pandora app sucks, right? You pick an artist's "station" then skip 3 songs because they're not even close to the type of music you chose and then a commercial about Honda Civics comes on. Next thing you know, you wasted 5 minutes and your phone battery is drained roughly 25 percent. So you can imagine how I feel about combining this bullshit with marriage.

The idea of marriage is bad enough. I was barely able to ask anyone to prom, so I'll probably have a combo aneurysm-heart attack before I get down on one knee for some unlucky lady in the future. With that said, how much of a cop-out is asking your girlfriend's hand in marriage via a Pandora commercial. Your girl is just trying to get her Lady Gaga fix in during the morning commute. Don't burden her with the most important question of her life when she's already pissed that she had to skip through 2 Ke$ha songs and Katy Perry's "Firework." It just lowers your chance that she's going to say yes.

There is NOTHING worse than overly creative wedding proposals (except that dude that somehow proposed via Super Smash Bros.). Just go to the fucking park, take her on a chariot ride, get a glass of red wine in her so she'll be kinda drunk, and blast the bling at her. If you're not a dick/rushing things, she'll say yes. Add Pandora commercial to the terrible list of asshole proposals that include: flash mobs, Youtube videos, songs, jumbotrons, Airplane Exhaust, in the sand, spelled out with inanimate objects, bands, Tim Tebow, internet memes and putting a ring in a glass of wine.

PS. Real talk, the two most important Pandora stations I have are the "Symphonic Orchestra" and "Disney Soundtracks" stations.
// //

If you don't think the Ticket Oak is the most electric, charismatic commercial personality to come along in decades, you sir/madam are out of your mind. And probably a terrible human being.

My man is just content as hell to sit there and wait for people to request tickets to their favorite shows. Sure, his eyes may be a little wonky/wildly misaligned and he may have a glaring learning deficiency, but god dammit if he's not working his ass off growing Justin Bieber and Miami Heat tickets out of his ticket-leaf-fro.

And yes, the Ticket Oak's owner is most certainly a serial killer. Ryan probably didn't make it to that show.

Friday, May 11, 2012

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Ok, guys, I narrowed it down to a few gifts that I'm going to next-day-air Mama to virtually ensure that she'll disown me forever. Let's give them a scan:

"Hey Mom, thought you'd look great in a ironically Japanese Lucha Libre mask. Just kidding! It's actually a facial exercise mask that squeezes your nerves and improves platelet regeneration--whatever that means! Love you, Mom!!!"

"Hey Mom, I know the racial atmosphere is a little dicey and people routinely get shot/killed for mistakenly having a gun, but fuck it, here's a gun purse! It's a purse shaped like a gun. It'll be so funny when you go to places like the bank and airports. Love you, Mom!!!"

Real talk, my mother might actually like this and this borderline might be the perfect gift for her. I'm halfway through inputting my credit card number as we speak. Is this a sign that my Mom's a weirdo or that I'm wildly incorrect and will immediately be dropped from her lineage. Only one way to find out I guess...CONFIRM PURCHASE.

Get yo' Mama a card this weekend. She birthed you.

PS. Without us, our Mom's wouldn't be mothers and thus ineligible to celebrate "Mother's Day." In a sense we make this holiday for them. It's true, but don't you dare say that to them.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

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Looks like I found the new surefire way to become the cat's pajamas on Facebook. Nope, not posting a "professional" model picture. Finality. People fucking love the end of anything. Tell them you finished finals--328 likes, 98 comments. Law school done? Everyone's servers might as well explode. Unfortunately, I have literally NOTHING of importance going on, so I might have to fake it.

Social experiment: What happens when I create a fake status that says I finished EVERYTHING? Legitimately every type of school and I could possibly take.

Here's the status:

While I fell short of the "like" amount I thought I'd get, the fact that this received any reaction (sarcastically or not) is fascinating. For a span of roughly .01 minutes, I was the king of Facebook. People saw the word "finished" and three exclamation points and a switch flipped. No one questioned how one man could complete 20 years worth of school in 3 years--it was just pure recognition of accomplishment. It's moments like this that I think the world is going to be alright.

PS. Patting myself on the back for the precision I applied to blocking out my name.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

// //

I get offended by any image of Hitler and Nazi Germany as much as the next guy, but this shit is absolutely hilarious.

Clearly each of these pictures took about 3 months to complete. Anyone who has played "Draw Something" knows that the game is borderline impossible to carelessly play. You either put your ALL into it or you run the risk of looking like an asshole. I'm one of those assholes. Once I realized that game requires diligence and precision, I was out. And you can't fucking do anything without the color green, which costs like 2000 coins. My dickish attitude ended up resulting in me becoming "that guy" and spelling the words out after constant erasing. No one likes to play that guy.

Then again, who wants to be the guy to erect childish iPhone app masterpieces? That's like being awesome at the Etch-A-Sketch. Yeah, in some sectors of the world you can be considered "talented", but 98% of the population hates you and thinks you're a nerd.

Kidding. I'm just really jealous. Draw on inexplicable Hitler drawer, draw on.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

// //

There are good ideas and then there are great ideas. Hiring a stranger to dress up as a killer clown to stalk your child, leave terrifying notes and ultimately hitting him/her in the face with a cake on their birthday is as perfect as it gets.

I was such a pansy when I had birthdays. Age 6 was a weak affair all around. My mom came into my first grade class with cupcakes and lizard toys and brought me brand new basketball sneakers. I was such a bitch. Way too much smiling and laughing it up with all the other kids being genuinely happy. That's not how it should have gone down. Mom should have called Dom up, paid him his fee, and watched the fireworks ensue. Sure, I'd probably be a serial killer or socially inept, but let me tell you, I'd be such a badass. There is literally nothing in life that can possibly scare you after you had a homicidal clown stalk you for 7 days while your mother did nothing but giggle. And to top it all off, you're probably heart attack proof for the rest of your life after you get a cake smashed in your face by your clown stalker. Your aorta will permanently be hard as a rock and slightly inefficient everyday thereafter.

Reading this quote right here: "If at any point the kids get scared or their parents are concerned we stop right there," he said. "But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless."--virtually ensured NO black parents will ever be purchasing this service.
// //

Run for the hills, call the FBI and get a new identity, kill yourself? I don't know, but I have never had the unfortunate pleasure of being involved in such a terrifying ordeal.

You have to tread lightly when you deeply involve yourself in the creeping process. Sometimes you find yourself lost in May 2006 and are haphazardly perusing photos. Well that carelessness can get you burned. Accidentally "liking" a bikini picture from roughly 6 years ago is social media suicide. Might as well pack up your profile and move to Antarctica.

There is the magical, yet mysterious "unlike" button made exclusively for people who fuck up. I've accidentally liked some low-risk statuses before and immediately clicked unlike after. Because the stakes were so low, it ultimately didn't matter, but I can't imagine the scenario if it was someone I barely knew. Does the red notification thing still come up? Does the unlike make it go down? Questions we may never get answered.

Worst Case Scenario:

"Susie Q is now single"
::You don't know Susie and accidentally like this status::

I honestly don't see how you don't climb the highest structure near you and jump off. That's truly my best advice

Monday, May 7, 2012

// //

You see, kids, raves are all fun, games, and sex until dolphins start injecting heroin into their dorsal fins and having their ear drums explode.

See, this is why I don't do drugs. Never have I had the urge to inject a dolphin with heroin. Maybe I'll get shitfaced and pee in an alley, but that's the extent of my debauchery. Can't kill Flipper.

Now the dolphin that died because of noise--that shit's an entirely different story. That dude was a bitch. This: "Shadow - an eight year old dolphin - was found dead after becoming disoriented and distressed following the huge techno event." is not a good look, bro. Disorientation and distress is a daily occurrence for me. Get a coffee and pick it up, don't go ahead and die like an asshole.

On the ultimate realness, how crazy was this fucking party? Dolphins dying of noise and heroin? Glow sticks and shit? Wild.
// //

By reading that title you'd think I was exaggerating, but if you watch the entire video that's about as accurate as I could have gotten.

Sure, this guy in the astronaut suit was most likely arrested for coercion and drug-related loitering on school grounds shortly after this was shot, but there is no denying that this motherfucker can jam. In some sectors of the world a sick dunk completely alleviates you of abduction charges, so I guess he has the right idea going with this one. And I love the subtlety of the astronaut suit. It's SUCH blatant pedo-wear that it probably threw everyone off the trail.

But in all seriousness, this is my roommates' band Stereo-Drive By and this is their latest music video "Astronaut." No children were harmed during the making of this video (I hope) and most likely one of them will grow up and work for NASA or be in the NBA.

SDB loves the kids.
// //

Is it just me or does every Facebook newsfeed these days feature at least a few, "Six 14-year old girls get into brawl. WEAVE EVERYWHERE LOLZ" and "Cletus tried to jump his bike. Look WHAT HAPPENED" videos from one of these apps? I mainly blame the fact that when you turn 24, the world passes you by at an astonishing rate, but I can safely predict no good can come of this.

You know how many uneducated, irresponsible people own a smartphone? Roughly a zillion. The other day I saw a link to a video from SocialCam that said, "Giant Snake Eats Security Guard." What the fuck? As a blogger, I racked my brain for hours wondering if I should even investigate such a stupid, blatantly fake video. Like, what kind of asshole lacks so much wherewithal and agility that he gets eaten by a snake? And if so, how can anyone stand there and film it without doing anything? That's when I realized the apps won. My IQ has been depleted and I somehow ended up blogging about them.

Hell, I'm inches away from downloading them both and live-blogging to you guys every night. Just me crumpled up against the wall in boxers and glasses with some NesQuik and a questionable TV show on in the background.

Friday, May 4, 2012

// //

Big shout out to the pregnancy prom dress. Some asshole somewhere is receiving real-life currency to outfit pregnant scallywags. Find a market, attack the market-Entrepreneurship 101.

My train of thought is: if you're pregnant, you should probably skip out on prom. You lost that right when you chose to ruin the life of that unfortunate kid you're about to have. But hey, maybe I'm the idiot and continuous dancing, potential alcohol consumption and unprotected sex can help the baby. I'm no doctor, just a simple blogger.

Wonder what happens when they start playing the slow jams. Is it just this chick and a bunch of kids from the AV-club remaining? Sounds depressing.

This picture is flat out disgusting
// //

First things first, Austin Powers is a very funny movie. The scene when the dude starts screaming when the steamroller is 50 feet away is still a Top-5 comedy moment for me. With that said, we all gon' die.

What are we doing, world? I get that it's cool and profitable to talk about unrealistic shit like this in movies. A "fucking shark ate" Samuel L. Jackson in "Deep Blue Sea" and that was hilarious, but no one is clamoring for highly intelligent super sharks. Can't imagine going for a dip in a hotel pool and having a smart-ass super shark MacGuyver it's way in there with me. Toss a fishbowl full of water on it's head and an astronaut suit like it's Sandy from Spongebob. And it'll genuinely suck to die via shark laser. Cool heaven story, not a cool way to go.

PS. 100 Billlllllion Dollars, pinky to mouth.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

// //

Talk about embarrasing, huh? After that one penguin made it look super easy at the 0:05 mark, shit went DOWNHILL fast.

What had potential to be a fascinating video about penguin life style quickly turned into a bunch of flimsy ass birds wildly ignoring every possible aspect of physics. Half these things were literally jumping in the opposite direction. Were they hoping the wind gently blew them to their destination? I'm not going to lie, this is kind of concerning for me. As some of you know, I have a weird obsession with penguins and hope to own at least 7 before things are said and done. After this video though, I may have to drop that number down to 2.

What I'm most concerned about is this guy:
Like, what are you doing, bro? I've truthfully never seen a jump go so poorly. Newsflash: jumping 1.5 feet out of the water won't get you up that 10 foot glacier. Just a cocky move on his part.
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No shame in your game Nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. Just flat out saying, "if you don't fuck with hay, own less than 18 cowboy hats, and have aspirations of going to college, this site isn't for you." Got to respect it.

The only farming experience I have ever known was through "Harvest Moon" on GameBoy. Quite possibly the most boring, strangely addicting game on the planet. I just sat around for hours planting digital tomatoes, tending to digital cows and budgeting fake money. If I didn't manage to make any friends or get good at sports, you'd probably find me out in East Bumfuck, Wherever herding sheep and wearing Wrangler jeans. In another life, I'd probably create the most prolific FarmersOnly profile that ever graced the site.

1) Have hair so nappy in my profile pic, that you'd legitimately think I don't know what a hairbrush is.

2) Have the real-life cast of Charlotte's Web in my photo with me. Except Charlotte for obvious reasons.

3) Feature buzz-words such as: overalls, Brett Favre, republican, lasso, and shed

4) Country lyrics everywhere.

5) A subtle hint of my affiliation with any of the following: NRA, KKK, NASCAR

6) Terrible Grammar

At that point, I think it'll be fish in a barrel. Me and Betsy Sue riding horses into the sunset with our combined 10th grade education.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

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^move over Youjizz and Pornhub, there's a new sheriff in town.

Well folks, I've made it. Without a doubt, this is the peak of my blogging career and potentially my life.

When I started this hunk of junk almost three years ago, I didn't really know what would come of it. Once Mom declared, "I'm not reading anymore because you swear too much and it's not that funny", I thought it was a wrap. When I got emails from my best friends saying, "Please take me off of your blog Email-blasts. They're annoying." I was borderline depressed. But all of that was worth it for this moment. I can officially say that I run a pornographic website.

On a serious note, I have no idea how or why my site is classified in the "porn" category. Did I get drunk and accidentally blog a picture of my balls? That's something I would definitely do on a weird night, so it's not completely off the table. My last posts were about Facebook, some asian toddlers, and a guy in a bear costume, so I guess if you combine all of that into one central idea, you might be able to come up with porn. Either way I'm not going to spoil this party with logistics. It's time to pop champagne and bask in my new-found smutlord glory.

Thanks, JR. I hope my blog served it's "purpose of arousing."

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

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It goes without saying that I'm going to rip this to shreds. Being a "good" Facebook friend directly correlates to being a social miscreant. Science is really stupid sometimes.

1) Respond to posts-
It's 2012. Posting on people's walls is played the fuck out. Posts should be strictly limited to birthday posts from people you haven't spoken to in years/will never speak to you again, funny videos/links and compliments. Anything else is just a waste of everyone's time. These are the only posts I'd possibly respond to and even the odds of that are slim. Send me a creepy message if you want to chat. Or use fucking Facebook chat. And if you invite me to Farmville, I'll find your address and do my best to ruin your life.

2) Cool it with the photos-
Pfft, I saw a funny looking pigeon on the ground, of course I'm going to post that. I work in a sick office building--obviously have to post that. And if my socks are mismatched, you BEST believe that's Facebook worthy. Now babies and pictures of food are an entirely different story. No one gives a shit about a baby unless it's their friend's or relative's and absolutely NO ONE cares about what you ate for dinner. Too much drooling and spaghetti on Facebook.

3) Wish acquaintances a happy birthday-
Yeah, ok. If you weren't with me shooting in the gym, you aren't getting any birthday wishes anytime soon. My Facebook Happy Birthdays range from: hilarious and scene stealing to "Happy Birthday, enjoy!" to the ever insulting, but kinda meaningful "HBD, bruh." I don't even know what an acquaintance is in my social life anymore. At age 24 you more or less have your friends for life with a bunch of assorted characters. No room for acquaintances.

4) Don't get too familiar-
I straight up don't know what this means. I think it's saying "don't be a creep", which is more or less saying, "don't be who you are" to me. You're telling me I can't awkwardly chat anyone I want at any given hour or send messages with a 0.04% chance of being replied to? What kind of communist social media landscape are we trying to create? I'm going to keep going on Facebook, continue to friend people I haven't met and continue to look through all of their "Spring Break '09" albums. Thank you very much.

Rules are made to be broken. Especially when they're made by nerdy ass scientists.
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Random Asian pop, Tokyo drifting AND a toy car that's undoubtedly a Honda?! You rarely see such a cataclysmic combination of stereotypes all at once.

I don't know how this could be much worse. Maybe have both of the kids fly out of the car "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" style and have a karate fight? Not sure, but this shit's racist. What's the black equivalent? Two black kids playing basketball against each other while freestyle rapping with fried chicken in their hands? Just another pure example of Worldstar doing what Worldstar does.

PS. This kid can drift like a motherfucker.