Wednesday, May 30, 2012

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No One Tells You What To Do When The Novacaine Wears Off

So I just came back from the dentist and I am straight up in bad shape right now. Fighting off tears, banging my head on my desk, and still composing bomb Excel pivot tables. I do it for you guys. Don't forget that.

Here's the deal: I haven't gone to the dentist in roughly 50 years and when I went in for my pre-screening last week they treated me like I had AIDS in my gums. Called my teeth "remarkable" despite the "tragic" situation in my mouth. And they somehow explained that I was in a state or purgatory with gingivitis. Basically had it, but didn't officially have it. That brings me to today where the actual procedure went down.

Apparently it's in the dentist handbook to throw a cute hygenist at you with a very mousy voice to tell you that everything will be ok. Lies. It's not ok. They STAB you in the mouth with drug juice and your face strokes out. Then they ask you questions while your lips are drooping and drool is falling all over the place to purposely make you look like an asshole.

"Does this give you any discomfort?"

"Uarggh oufff arggg"

Ok, you're such a trooper. I'll proceed"

Then after a mish-mash of water, spit, compressed air, chiseling and tons of blood, it's over. Much like the silence of gunfire after the end of battle, the hygienist handed me a prescription for mouthwash, undoubtedly muttered "sucha bitch" under her breath, and told me to have a great day.

When you're numb you think, "that actually wasn't that bad." You look in the mirror, see some bloody, mildly fucked up gums and think you're god damn Hercules. That shit comes to a sudden HALT when the novacane wears off. You revert back to a 4 year old that scraped his/her knee and lose all sense of reality. I made two trips to the bathroom strictly to compose myself (and nap a bit, of course). No blogger joking intended, this shit hurts. It burns, stings, aches, and itches all at the same time.

The thing is, I wouldn't be the 6435th ranked blogger in the world if I didn't play through the pain. I'd be doing a disservice to all of you if I didn't post about me being a real nancy bitch and informing you all about how much the dentist sucks.

2 Reactions to this post

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  1. Anonymous said... May 30, 2012 at 4:56 PM

    Your strength and courage to compose this blog will not go unnotticed. I have noticed it.

    I also would like to point out that I recently used novacain for a job interview. I did not get the job. I am now homeless, typing this on an ipad at a mac store.

    I will continue to read your blog, regardless of my state.

    -John Saunders

  2. Unknown said... August 9, 2012 at 5:21 PM

    Funny how you'd say a hygienist will stab a patient with all these brouhaha techniques. I'm glad that was not the case with the houston dentists when I experienced a similar case a few months ago.

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