Thursday, August 29, 2013

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So apparently Dave lost it on a crowd in Connecticut tonight.  While the tweets don't lie, I'm going to have to side with the funniest person of my lifetime on this one.  Hartford, Connecticut kinda sucks.  I'm not offending anyone.  Hartford knows what it is like a fat dude knows he needs to lose weight.  At a comedy show, the audience plays an integral role in the experience.  If everyone is expecting Dave to come out with some "Killing Me Softly" stuff right off the bat, you may be a little disappointed.  He probably threw out a few B-B+ ranged jokes and the crowd became restless and agitated.  Not the response one of the greatest comedians of all time expected, I'm sure.  We all know Chappelle is a sensitive dude and slightly unhinged.  Probably best to thread lightly when it comes to his big return to stand-up.  You fuck around and you might end up spending $50 to sit in a crowd and watch a dude read a book.

Dave probably shouldn't have acted like this to people that paid good money to see him, but the crowd should also show more respect.  Don't bring a match to a gas fight, Hartford.  Dave's going back to Zimbabwe for sure.
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Fucking New Zealand right? Just churning out criminal masterminds like it ain't no thing. Guy's crawling around the meat section at Raeward Fresh Food on all fours and shit. Like "Cousin Gary? Uncle Rick? We gotta get you guys outta here" and stampeding the hell outta that store like Rick Ross out of a GNC.
I mean come on though. If you're security at that store there's no way you're going near the most likely crack-addled homeless guy sprinting through your store with an armful of steaks. Fucking master plan on cow-bro's part.
P.S. Love the police spokesperson coming through with some comedy gold. "The offender was probably not intending to look like the beef they were stealing". Sign him up, Dub. Sign him up.

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He doesn't look tired.  Not one bit.

Basketball's different now because Ross basically said so.  You think I'm jumping the next time I shoot a basketball?  Pfft, obviously no.  I'm not a nerd like the rest of you guys.  The air is for the planes and the birds.  I'm completely fine with the land, thank you very much.

Going to buy out the odd numbers at Burger King this weekend so I can get started on my training regime.

PS. Reggie Miller, Ray Allen, Rick Ross - the 3 Rs on Jumpshot Mt. Rushmore.
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Since everyone's got Breaking Bad fever right now, and there's some kind of war going on with the other bloggers, I decided to post this nonsense. What was Aaron Paul doing between 1998 and 2008? Apparently, a shitload of TV movies and guest appearances on shows like CSI and 90210 (the original 90210).

I don't know how I feel about celebrities on game shows before they were celebrities. I don't trust this dude's enthusiasm for The Price is Right. I don't even think he was that excited to meet Bob Barker.
"Act like you're thrilled to be there," his agent said. This fake asshole and his serial killer glasses can stay the fuck in the 90s. I'm glad he didn't win the car. Spoiler alert...

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

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Apparently my newest co-blogger Smeesh has been lobbing unwarranted Justin Timberlake/blackness related grenades at me.  Not shocking.  When you see the throne, you want it.  I get that.  Odd play to attack the guy that everyone has been reading for over 4 years when you've been around for like a week, but I digress.   Unfortunately, I have to "Ether" you (that's "black people talk" for "shit on your last blog").

Real talk, I might be the first black person that Smeesh has interacted with.  I can sense that he's one of those types of dudes that just begs to touch black people hair.  He probably watched Game 7 of the NBA Finals this year and the last 15 minutes of "Boyz in the Hood" on VH1 and developed his assessment of all things black.  Probably sitting around his dorm room cycling between Pornhub and refreshing WMD, wondering why I haven't blogged about liquor stores, the new Jordans, Kool-Aid, and Basketball Wives yet.

Come on, bro.  Your name is Smeesh.  You live in the glass-est of houses with a racially ambiguous shitty name.  The blog moniker that YOU chose is the sound people make when they sneeze and get snot on their shirt.  

Also, the fact that your first blog opened with:

a fucking LYRICS-ONLY version of the wildly accessible "My Name Is" video says everything about the name Smeesh.

What I'm most disappointed in is the fact that the kid couldn't decide if this was hot or not:
At the very least, WMD is breaking barriers and hiring Smeesh as the first asexual blogger to hit the web.

PS.  Impromptu feud is over.  Back to blogging about the important things in life.

PPS. This blog > "Hit Em Up" > "Ether" > "Takeover"
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Not so much a blog as this is a quick response to Dub Jeezy shit'ting on me in my own blog post last night. Apparently I offended him. To which I have to respond "DOOOOOOOOON'T CAAAAAAAAAARE."

However, also apparently, Dub Jeezy is black. The fuck? Since when?

Let's take a look at his last 5 blog posts:
1) Breaking Bad
2) Lady Gaga
3) Drake Album Cover
4) Gaga
5) Spanish Beach Dragons

This is what black people write? I'll tell you what it sounds like to me.
1) White
2) White
3) Super White
4) Still White (secret crush on Gaga much, Dub?)
5) Asian

These are the facts. I would throw a GIF of a mic drop in here but I'm white. And I at least admit it.

P.S. When I first heard the name Dub Jeezy I thought of a 13 year old on Xbox live trying desperately to convince everyone he's black.

Monday, August 26, 2013

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Any time that you watch a video that combines Walter White and the Pied Piper of R&B, your day just became the greatest day of your life.

This is 100% me in a nutshell.  Someone somewhere knows what makes me tick and has basically invaded my DNA.  Really have no other choice but to become best friends/kill this guy ASAP.  

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Seriously. I look away for 5 seconds trying to decide whether Miley Cyrus is still hot or not (strangest boner ever) and everyone hops on Timberlake's dick.

Is it because he did a few songs with Jay Z? Or is it because people are calling him "JT" now? Has to be some combination of the two, right?

P.S. Cocky move giving yourself a nickname just because you did a song with a black guy. Is that all it takes nowadays? If so, I hope the wrong numba guy is available. Smeesh is a good nickname and all, but I'm not sure it's black guy cool.

DUB JEEZY UPDATE: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.  Wow. Whoa.  A brotha can't go to get a burrito for two seconds without some of the most unwarranted/borderline psychotic Justin Timberlake slander.  It's clear Smeesh is a serial killer.  That much is known.

I don't believe I have to do this (on MY OWN blog, mind you), but I'm going to rebut the shit out of this.

1) Miley dished out zero boners last night.  A real JR Smith game.

2) I've purchased all Justin Timberlake solo albums and I literally have the best taste of music.  If that's dick ridin', myself and like 800 million people are the Lone Ranger.

3) Justin became JT because he reached the pantheon of being a white male singer accepted into the black community.  Get the respect of Pharrell and Timbaland, and Jay-Z will come to you.  Not many people out there that can say Jay-Z sought them out.

4) And Smeesh missed the wide open "black people association" joke by not referencing that he writes a blog with me, a black guy.

5) Can't blame him, the kids like 19 and is probably on Team Jacob/Belieber/Mahomie(?).

It may take months years for Smeesh to recover from this, but when puberty sets in, he'll appreciate this:

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Just when people are starting to like your butt you, you have to go back to your old self and start acting like an asshole.  Frail Hands McGee just couldn't muster up the energy to deal with the simple car door mechanism.  I mean, frankly it's a miracle that a mermaid is walking on land at all so we should all be impressed, right?  That's what you want us to think, isn't it?  That you're a fucking rich mermaid and that rich mermaids shouldn't open SUV doors for themselves.

On a very real note, these guys get to look at her butt wait on her hand and foot and probably collect a sizeable salary.  Putz around on Excel all day or open the door for assholes that legitimately pretend they're mermaids?  Decisions, decisions.

Friday, August 23, 2013

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From the Burger King Turkey Burger (which brought us Creepy BurgerFest Guy), to the Dunkin Donuts Turkey Sausage Egg and Cheese sandwich, to this Carl Jr. somehow-different-turkey-burger, fast food companies are trying to pass of turkey as a healthy alternative to some of their other products. OK, fine. Americans are pretty fat and we could probably use a break from all the fat that comes with normal fast food. I get it. But who has ever gone in to one of those places looking for healthy food? I mean, honestly guys. do less.
First of all, burgers have no business being healthy. I've never once thought to myself "I'd like a delicious and nutritious meal. I think I'll grab a burger." Clearly no one buying fast food burgers cares. There are 2 rules to peddling fast food burgers: 1) Make them taste good 2) Don't tell me what's in them. I don't care if you make it with exclusively donkey ankle meat, if a burger tastes good I couldn't care less about any of its other qualities.
Second of all, you stay the fuck away from my breakfast sandwiches, turkey. 99% of the time I'm eating a breakfast sandwich, I'm viciously hung over (because as we all know, 1 part breakfast sandwich + 1 part Gatorade + 1 part advil = 1 perfect hangover cure). The last thing any poor sap just trying to get his head back to normal is thinking about is how healthy his morning-after breakfast sandwich is.
So turkey, from all of us. You own Thanksgiving, hell you knock out Christmas a lot of the time. But you leave our fast food alone, ya hear me?
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All we need is a dried tear drop, a transposed image of him in a wheelchair, a transcript of the latest "this ain't you" voicemail that he left for a stripper and the Toronto Raptors mascot for this to be the greatest album cover ever.  Drake just owning up to being "that guy."  

Instead we got this:

I feel like every high school had that kid in art class that no one really knew/understood, but could draw and paint his ass off.  That kid created this album cover.  I'm not saying it's good or bad, but I'm 100% certain that this was the case.  This was created solely from angst and constant introversion.  I'm just saying, you could do better.
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I would have posted much sooner, but I was trolling around online and found this magnificence from the 80s and have been watching it obsessively ever since. I'm guessing that someone in this band's brother was a film major who finally agreed to shoot their shitty demo video for a class project. He happened to know someone in the music business who watched it and said, "It's kinda catchy, I guess, but the thing is, we don't really need another Michael Jackson..."
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This was never meant to be a "thing."  It's just so happens that Lady Gaga likes to do assholish things frequently and I have a blog to make fun of her.  Simple math.  My burden - now it's yours too.

Exhibit A:

Hey, wait a second, she looks kinda...not bad here?  I don't like it.  On to the next picture before I start feeling stuff.

Exhibit B:

There we go.  Back to her old tricks fiddling around with the homeless and generally bothering people.  I mean this dude is HOMELESS and he looks miserable to be hanging out with a mega-star that is probably going to give him money.  Things are starting to get back to normal.

Exhibit C:

And we've come full circle.  Went from being a little bit into her to being annoyed to being genuinely upset.  Not many people can swing the asshole meter with such volatility. You have to give her credit.  No one asked her to do this.  She's like the Michael Jordan of being a dick.  Going above and beyond the call of duty and rubbing paint on her face and showing off her wrist tattoo because it probably has a "message" on it.  

Standard statistics.  No matter how weirdly hot this asshole looked, she will always revert back to being an asshole.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

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Spain, you're fucking up.  Plain and simple.  Yeah, maybe the U.S. has to deal with oil spills and the occasional mutant rat from time to time, but at least we have decency to not have mythical creatures wash up on our coastlines.  Also, don't play dumb and act like you don't know who this is:

Looks like Falcor finally got tired of dealing with the day to day bullshit that comes with being "The Never Ending Story" dragon.  The pages keep turning and eventually you wind up dead as hell off the shore of Madrid all crumpled and shit.  

PS. This was 200% a suicide.  Can only teach lessons and give rides to so many introverted assholes before you fly directly into a mountainside.
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Imagine life sucking so much that you need to be incarcerated so you can get your jollies from stealing walking talkies and fondling convict-balls.  Hey, maybe I shouldn't throw stones.  Blogging hasn't been around long enough for scientists to develop any trends.  For all I know, blogging is step one to becoming a jail fetishist.  I could most certainly fuck with a walkie-talkie because they're basically high-powered local cell phones.  God knows I love impracticality.  

But alas:

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

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Dad?  Nah, I ain't your daddy.  This little green anime bird thing is your daddy now. The lifelike movement and emotions of this plastic simulated animal can more than replicate what I will be able to offer.  Essentially, we're weighing my ability to parent via the couch and slightly inebriated versus the abilities of a electronic fucking penguin.

As long as this thing can reiterate, "Wear a condom", "Strip Clubs are not the play", and "Leave Daddy/That Dude Sitting In The Basement With A Beer alone", then we are in good shape. Don't worry about the academics and what not.  That's not really that important in the grand scheme when the kid will inherit the WMD empire that should be estimated at $3,478.45 in 2057.  That's enough for like 2 months rent.  I'm a great dad.
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Found this Huff Post article about a dog trying to avoid taking a bath. Running away, playing dead, all that stuff. Just generally avoiding its Asian owners.
Wait, a dog? Taking a hot bath? Asian owners? Run, little guy, run!
Love how these guys are just laughing the whole time trying to calm their dog down. Like "No we're not trying to eat you. We don't even like dog in this part of the world. Where would you get that idea?" No dice with this smart little fucker though. He's heard the stories. He's lost a few distant relatives. Gonna take some more effort than that to take Sparky here down.
P.S. Why are you playing dead, bro? That literally makes you easier to cook. Dog stew city. Might wanna keep that trick in the old back pocket on this one.
P.P.S. Cue the racist "r's replacing l's" jokes.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

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Code red city right now.  Absolutely knocked off my feet.  THIS is the type of game that works for dudes out there these days?  Not fair.  

That conversation didn't even make sense.  The girl just comes off as a confused idiot and the guy comes off as a predator.  Is this where "LOL" gets you in 2013?  I thought that shit went by the wayside when "Haha" came into town.  Nope.  I'm just a completely wrong, out of touch old guy.  LOL is apparently the gold standard segue into throwing your pecs and genitalia into cyberspace.  More power to kids these days.  It's not their fault that guys like me had to spit throw-up-in-your-mouth-midway-through game over landline telephones.  I was from the a/s/l era and you guys are from the "lol=boobs" era.  It's the circle of life.

You pretended to be a girl in lesbian AOL Chat Rooms in an effort to get pics?  Nah, Dub did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.

Monday, August 19, 2013

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Well I didn't get up early enough to post this in the morning and to those of you who would complain I say fuck off. This is my first weekday spent outside of my cube since what feels like 'Nam. You're lucky I'm even writing at all today. But since I know you're not gonna spend the day searching the internet for your own nonsensically entertaining bullshit, here we go.

Without further ado here are Smeesh’s Monday Musings, your Monday morning time-killer, good/bad/ugly style:

The Good – Apparently prostitutes accept payment in change now. According to
this Huff Post article, some guy in Greenwood County, South Carolina banged a hooker and paid her with a $10 roll of quarters. Obviously not a great look for Larry Collum getting caught, but this is a major victory for guys everywhere.
Honestly, I have no clue how I was late to the punch on this one. Total Pontiac Game Changing Moment. Do chicks honestly expect us to pay top dollar for drinks at overpriced bars when this option is on the table? “$50 dollars on drinks for a chance to awkwardly dry hump later because you wanna pretend you have morals? No thanks, babe, I’ll just grab the change from under my couch cushions and have some sex.”

The Bad -  

A-Rod is finally embracing his role as the comic book supervillain of the MLB and I absolutely love it. Shit. Triple H ain't got shit on A-Rod. The fist pump. The pitcher stare down. The pause on home plate to goad the fans. Just redefining the arrogant asshole game.

The Ugly – As a Philly guy I feel obligated to mention Charlie Manuel’s firing. Look despite the dentures gif, Chollie was probably the least embarrassing part of the Phillies’ awful 2013 season. The man wins us a World Series and 4 division championships and Ruben Amaro Junior sees fit to kick him to the curb, not even letting him wait until the offseason to start dusting off his resumé. I don’t want to bore you and a million people have done it already so I won’t even get into the numerous reasons why Manuel’s firing is horseshit. Just wanted to pay respects to the man. Good luck Charlie, the fans will miss you.

Follow me @SmeeshWMD

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I see you, old man in the top right corner.  All scared and shit wondering, like all of us, why that dog looks so much like an insecure boyfriend.  I feel you.  Even though it's a picture, I'm still scared to look at it on the off chance that this dog can see through .JPEGs and into my soul.  There's a distinct "Aw, he's mimicking people" line that was just crossed in the most terrifying of ways.  Undoubtedly the least out-of-the-car-window-holla-rable woman in the game right now.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

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Canadian authorities have rescued 40 distressed pythons from a motel room where they were being improperly held in plastic storage bins, police said on Friday. Police found the snakes, ranging from 1 foot to 4-1/2 feet in length, in a motel in Brantford, a city about 100 km (62 miles) southwest of Toronto. The snakes are expected to be fine, local police said. No one at the Brantford police or at the SPCA were available for comment. - Reuters


What the fuck, Brantford? Look I get that it's boring as fuck up there, but I'm not sure the whole "40 snakes in a motel room" route is the best option for spicing up life. North America already has one Florida too many. Not really eager for another.

And how about the stones on whatever local police officer made that statement? Like fuck public safety. Fuck whoever is staying in that motel. Fuck the fact that we may have some Canadian psychopath cornering the black market on pythons. What the people really want to know is how the snakes are doing. Buddy, approximately nobody is sitting on their couch right now letting out a relieved sigh because "the snakes are expected to be fine."

The next time something like this happens in Brantford the place should absolutely be nuked. Just flat out no need for another Florida. At least the real Florida made Natalie Martinez. Last time I checked Brantford hasn't given us anything of note. And they're in fucking Canada, so who cares about them?
Not me, that's for sure. Nuke city.

Follow me @SmeeshWMD

Friday, August 16, 2013

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First things first, I need, at the very least, 12 of these things running around my apartment.  Pure FAFs*.  Sure, maybe they're dangerous, poop rampantly and have short lifespans, but those are things that you deal with when you make irrational impulse decisions.  It's like all the benefits of a tiny bear without the added drawback of dying a terrible death.

My ownership of these creatures is not the point of this blog, though.  The point is that scientists decided to call these things "Oliguito"s.  You'd think we were naming a chain of family friendly Italian eateries and not furry little pettable monsters.  Listen, scientist bro.  You can't just name an entire species after your great grandfather.  Probably the least cute name in the animal kingdom.


Fur Demons

That's it.  All you had to do was name it something childish and it would've worked.  Hate scientists.

*Furry as Fuck

PS. Oh, they're in the raccoon family?  Please, please, please tell me they do this

Thursday, August 15, 2013

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Can't tell you how many times I've accidentally stumbled into a racist Chinese park when I was just intending to go to a non-racist park.  I have always said, "We need signs for this shit" and good lawd, it's finally happened.  No more costly prejudiced mistakes.  If you're racist, you play your racist frisbee in one place and we'll play melting pot themed tag in another place.

First Ipads, now this.  China is running circle after circle around us.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

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For the life of me, I can't even come close to telling whether 2 Chainz is serious or not. Like is this guy just pulling an elaborate long-con style troll or does he actually think he's good at rapping?

"Karate chop yo mama

Karate chop the car

Top off nigga…bow

Bow bow bow" - 2 Chainz

Look, I get that rappers aren't exactly known for profound commentary on the human condition or any of that shit. I also get that it's not easy to freestyle. But is it unrealistic to expect that someone who literally makes a living off or rap music can't, I don't know, rhyme coherently? Even for a few bars? Like I'm pretty sure Tity Boi (even bigger troll of a name) and every industry rep he's ever worked with has to be losing their shit laughing at everyone who buys his music or boosts his ratings or whatever.

On the other hand there are some pretty fucking stupid people in the world. It's not out of the realm of possibility that 2 Chainz is one of them. Some producer easily could have said to himself "Hmm, do I think that stupid people will buy recordings of some moron yelling on top of over-produced, generic beats? You're damn right I do!" Meanwhile 2 Chainz is too busy drinking, getting robbed, and just generally being an idiot to realize that he's not actually good. Probably thinks he the Hendrix of the new millennium.

What do you guys think? Is 2 Chainz the world's most successful troll? Or is he legitimately trying his hardest?

Follow me @SmeeshWMD

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

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Big Sean dropped an unreleased track from his upcoming album yesterday. It had Kendrick Lamar and Jay Electronica on it. Sean's verse was meh, because he's Big Sean. Jay Electronica's verse was solid, because he's Jay Electronica.

And then there's Kendrick. He's the best in the game right now, and that almost isn't debatable. How do I know this (other than the fact that Section.80 and GKMC are both dope as fuck)? Kendrick dropped three lines on this track that back me up:

1) "I'm Makaveli's offspring, I'm the king of New York."

Alright. Every rap fan knows Kendrick gets compared to Pac a lot. The first part isn't too shocking. But that second part? The king of New York? Holy shit. Kendrick's from Compton. Imagine Kobe saying "I'm the best player on the Knicks." That's about the best comparison I can come up with. And it's not good enough, because Jay-Z and Nas are both from New York. Two of the G.O.A.Ts and Kendrick says he's better than them (I think, I'm not 100 percent sure because I'm white).

Hey, speaking of Jay and Nas...

2) "I heard the barbershops spittin' great debates all the time.
Bout who's the best MC?
Kendrick, Jigga, and Nas.
Eminem, Andre 3000, the rest of y'all.
New niggas just new niggas, don't get involved."

Kendrick straight puts himself into the "who's the best MC?" convo with Jay, Nas, Em and Dre. He cleans up for it a bit by saying they shouldn't get involved because he's talking about the new guys, but still. He put himself in that conversation. Does he deserve it? I dunno. That's for you to decide.

3) I'm usually homeboys with the same niggas I'm rhymin wit, But this is hip hop and them niggas should know what time it is. 
And that goes for Jermaine Cole, Big KRIT, Wale. 
Pusha T, Meek Mill, A$AP Rocky, Drake. 
Big Sean, Jay electron', Tyler, Mac Miller.
I got love for you all but I'm tryna murder you niggas. 
Tryna make sure your core fans never heard of you niggas."

Let's get this out of the way: Kendrick is on a different planet than J. Cole, Wale, Drake, Big Sean, and Mac Miller. And I think he's definitely better than K.R.I.T., Meek, A$AP, Jay, and Tyler. Really the only guy who I don't think he blows away is Pusha, because Pusha is awesome.

But guys. He called out Big Sean on a Big Sean track. The track featured Jay Electronica, and he called him out, too. Imagine if the first thing I did when I came to WMD was call out Dub, saying I'm better than him. Then multiply that by like 65,000 and that's what Kendrick did on this track. It's like when Stan Van called out Dwight, only much more delicious. It's great. It's all great. Kendrick is great. Now go bump that track.

// //

Or dying*.  Either or really.  If the story is true though, we've all been here.  I can spot that laid out, hoping to die look anywhere.  All you need to do is toss a burger wrapper, an open laptop littered with questionable videos and a phone with a halfway completed text to my girlfriend regretting the burger purchase to form the Dub Jeezy drunken Bermuda triangle.

Fucking vodka, man.  Flashback 8 years ago and I would punt the shit out of this squirrel for a sip of that disgusting nectar.  Too many blurry memories of gagging through warm shots of $9.99 vodka to count.  Let's just hope this squirrel was trying to impress chicks as much as I was.

*If the squirrel is dead, this might be the worst video I've ever put on the site.

Monday, August 12, 2013

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What can I say?  This dude (could be a chick) loves bags.  Not a shocker that a bag was option 1a to play the role of du-rag.  Sure, maybe his waves aren't going to flourish, but he played the hand that he was dealt.   It wasn't raining outside and it wasn't particularly hot or cold - just another case of carpe diem taking over.

PS. My fake-text picture game is currently on point, but not nearly on the level of this dude.  Pop Tart selfies are what's currently hot in the streets.  Everyone has been put on notice.

// //
Another weekend come and gone. As I type this post I can't breathe. Not sure whether it's my murderous allergies or the weakened state of my immune system thanks to a weekend in Ocean City, Maryland. Probably some combination of the two. Oh well. 

So let's get back to it. Only 5 more days til next weekend, folks, and we all know the right first step to help get us there. Without further ado here are Smeesh’s Monday Musings, your Monday morning time-killer, good/bad/ugly style:

The Good - I was late on the EDM train. Was one of those guys who thought it sounded less like music and more like robots in a gladiator-style battle royale to the death. Victor Niglio is changing my mind though. So what if he looks like Rafi from The League's white cousin? Everything the guy touches is straight fire flames. Saw him at the Starlight Ballroom in Philly a few weeks back and have been bumping his stuff ever since. You can check out his SoundCloud here.

The Bad - This 1967 KFC commercial is the stuff of nightmares.

What the actual fuck was that? Leaving aside the fact that each and every woman in this commercial looks like she came directly from the set of "Gremlins" this is still scary as hell. It looks like the torture is gonna start any minute now; Colonel Sanders' voice is the creepiest thing this side of a Uwe Boll movie; and I'm positive the camera they used is primarily employed making snuff films.

Also, the Colonel's face at the end = Never sleeping again. 

The Ugly - Some chick in Florida spent time the other day panhandling. Not unusual in itself. But Christina Andrews was looking for money to fund breast implants. And I gotta say I can't knock the hustle either.

Put yourself in Christina's shoes. You could spend your weekend off watching Family Feud re-runs, not making any money, and dreaming about how much better life would be with a new pair of silicone sweater puppies (Is sweater puppies a great nickname for boobs or the greatest nickname for boobs?). OR you could roll up your sleeves, make a sign, and start turning your dream into a reality.

P.S. Why does shit like this always happen in Florida? Never change, Florida, never change.

Follow me @SmeeshWMD

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

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Sicheng Wen, you magnificent bastard.  You just won the World Championship in an activity that makes people contemplate murder on a daily basis.  You're the proud owner of the worst after school activity of all time.  You'll probably grow up to be a serial killer.  Or you'll cure cancer.  Quite honestly, you're capable of anything if life bored you so much that you sought solace in Microsoft Excel.

You're only supposed to use Excel when life forces you to use Excel.  I had absolutely NO idea what Excel was or what it was used for until roughly 2007.  That's 20 years, Sicheng.  Two decades of accidental clicks, mild confusion and utter disinterest.  Not until one of my business classes backed me into a corner and forced me to use that grid box did I learn what I was doing.  Also, we are taking the term "learn" very lightly here.  I know the BARE minimum of what it takes to do any given task.  No more, no less.  Got some formulas down, a fair amount of shortcuts, but do you think I took one second to branch out and try to learn more?  Absolutely not.  That's what Google is for.

Relax, Sicheng.  Have a beer, watch some X-rated material, I don't know, fight a dude.  Live a little.  The rest of your life will be on Excel.  Excel brings zero groupies.

PS. Truly shocking that the winner of the Microsoft Excel Championship was of Chinese descent.  I'm bewildered to say the least.

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This is just trademark Ron Artest. Dude takes a break from vicious attacks of fans and celebratory elbows to James Harden’s face to write a children’s book. Commendable really. I mean who better to teach our kids how to act under pressure? If going Rambo on the crowd at the Palace and still making millions in the same league a decade later isn’t American I don't know what the hell is.

On the other hand do you even cover art, bro? I feel like you're eye-fucking my soul every time I look at this thing.

99.99% sure that the only reason “Metta’s Bedtime Stories” exists is that Ron Artest (I REFUSE to call him Metta World Peace) threatened to beat the living shit out of the publisher if he didn't promise to print this abomination (masterpiece?). It’s the only way I can justify its existence.

P.S. Best Malice at the Palace highlights can be found here in case you're extra bored today.

P.P.S. This is a children’s book. What’s with the Shawn Marion air jerk on the cover? Clean it up, Ron.

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It's nice that this cat's owner tried to distract it from humiliated fantasies of suicide by bringing a duck into the mix. I'm just gonna ask the question you're all thinking. The question that made it almost impossible to watch this entire video (speaking of distraction). How did this cat get into a shark costume? I don't know about most people's cats, but I have to force-feed my cat liquid Vicodin and wrap her in a towel just to jam her (softly) into the carrier for the odd trip to the vet. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't need to wrap her in a towel after liquid Vicodin. That's like throwing a grenade on a burning building.
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So I guess Smeesh was right?

Bet no one questioned it either.  People probably looked down, thought "Oh, that's most definitely a dead shark." and picked right back up where they left off in Candy Crush.  That's what I love most about grizzled public transportation users.  They've had their souls crushed by a diminishing view of civilization and just keep it moving.

Props to this shark too.  This dude is dead as hell.  It died like one of those actors that try to over-dramatize a death scene.  Fins slumped to the side and belly-up so you can see the pronounced "I'm dead" face in full display- overall a great product.

PS. What the fuck is up with Shark Week?  It's starting to become the measuring stick of people I do and do not want to hang out with.  Here's the formula: 

1)  Great Whites, lots of them.  They haven't changed since the prehistoric era - you're watching the same shit every year.

2)  Surfers that lost a limb to a shark bite, but won't let it stop them from surfing again.  Sidenote: it's 2013 and a black person has still never been bitten by a shark.  A definite "pro" in the swimming stereotype.

3)  Nerds talk about shark bites.

4)  Make up some shit about a prehistoric shark (e.g. Megalodon) 

That's it.  You're a lemming and a sheep if this is something that you look forward to every year.

Monday, August 5, 2013

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It's Monday morning again. Well, shit.

Our weekend ritual of binge drinking to forget the work week is over. Alcohol has been consumed, shit has gotten weird, and state fairs have been attended (by Dub at least). But don't start off working too hard this week or you'll strain something. Take a few minutes, kick back, and tap on your keyboard so your boss at least thinks you're working.


Without further ado here are Smeesh’s Monday Musings, your Monday morning time-killer, good/bad/ugly style:

The Good - Puppies. Because I'll be damned if this isn't exactly what I needed to start the week. It's okay to admit you need it to start the week too. Let's be in this together.

The Bad - Alex Rodriguez. Need I say more? Yanks detractors and baseball purists alike will rejoice when A-Rod's lengthy suspension (thought to be rest of this year and all of the next) is handed down. The Yankee third baseman's struggles with performance enhancing drugs have been well documented (namely he can't stop cheating) and many people believe this will be the final chapter in the lengthy career of a talented star turned much-maligned fraud. But hey, if he's healthy when the suspension is handed down (which is likely) he's guaranteed the $34.2 million left on his contract. So I think he'll be fine.

In other news, A-Rod has once again successfully defended his crown in the "Most Punchable Face in Major League Baseball" competition, bringing his reign to an unprecedented 19 years.

The Ugly - I was right. And you assholes said I was lying. As I so sagely predicted on Friday, we're staring at the business end of a shark land invasion. Boats are being attacked in Africa, Snuffy the Seal was taken from us moments after his rescue, our pets heads are falling off. This whole thing is going downhill fast.