Friday, August 23, 2013

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Why is My TV Trying to Force Feed Me Turkey?

From the Burger King Turkey Burger (which brought us Creepy BurgerFest Guy), to the Dunkin Donuts Turkey Sausage Egg and Cheese sandwich, to this Carl Jr. somehow-different-turkey-burger, fast food companies are trying to pass of turkey as a healthy alternative to some of their other products. OK, fine. Americans are pretty fat and we could probably use a break from all the fat that comes with normal fast food. I get it. But who has ever gone in to one of those places looking for healthy food? I mean, honestly guys. do less.
First of all, burgers have no business being healthy. I've never once thought to myself "I'd like a delicious and nutritious meal. I think I'll grab a burger." Clearly no one buying fast food burgers cares. There are 2 rules to peddling fast food burgers: 1) Make them taste good 2) Don't tell me what's in them. I don't care if you make it with exclusively donkey ankle meat, if a burger tastes good I couldn't care less about any of its other qualities.
Second of all, you stay the fuck away from my breakfast sandwiches, turkey. 99% of the time I'm eating a breakfast sandwich, I'm viciously hung over (because as we all know, 1 part breakfast sandwich + 1 part Gatorade + 1 part advil = 1 perfect hangover cure). The last thing any poor sap just trying to get his head back to normal is thinking about is how healthy his morning-after breakfast sandwich is.
So turkey, from all of us. You own Thanksgiving, hell you knock out Christmas a lot of the time. But you leave our fast food alone, ya hear me?

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