Thursday, December 30, 2010

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Thought about it and gave myself a quick timeout. I should probably chill a little bit in the opening of 2011. Last year was a fucking problem.

I'm not going to New York, I'm not getting a cool open bar deal with bottle service, and I'm damn sure (hopefully) not throwing up. Call it maturing, call it saving money, call it not trying to get in a fight. I'm just going to be a loser and not get after it. Fine with accepting that. I'm ready to go into the new year with a clean bill of health for the first time since '03. Shit'll be a revelation. I may commit to a god damn resolution. May make my first million in 2011. May find the cure for some shit. Maybe WMD becomes a legitimate website? Haha, nah, we're not dreaming to big here.

Just kidding. I have a girlfriend and that makes the entire New Year's idea an awfully expensive reason to get a kiss that I could have gotten if I had crumbs all over my face.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

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Like come on man, I could make an exception if you had your mask on or something, but you saw that clear and blue. The cap was like 75% on and the overall idea had a minimal chance of working.

Most of the time I respect attempts of the unreasonable, but this one is just upsetting. The only thing holding this video together is the fact that this guy gets that he looks like a jackass. Purely defeated after he coughs up the cap.

PS. Soulja Boy at the end?!
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Sometimes you don't really need to write commentary for vids like this. They just write themselves.

My buddy states that she sounds like Mario jumping, but I think it's more of a "Frogger" sound. Perusing through cars and drinking beers--WMD is just here making the connections that everyone's afraid to make.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

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Well its about that time to look back on 2010 before we officially ring in the New Year. Always enjoy the annual DJ Earworm mashup. Really makes you feel like you've lived - Although....the only time I ever really heard these tracks were in traffic heading to work or while jamming out wasted at the bar (weird mix). Regardless, here's to the successful road trips and dance circles that ensued throughout 2010.

Monday, December 27, 2010

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For all you know this is an actual shot of me en route to my daily 9-5, losing all hope and consumed by the weather all around me. I learned very quickly this morning that even if a tornado/earthquake hits the area or hell freezes over like's still in my best interest to bundle up and find whatever alternative route possible to punch in on time.

I get a call from my boss early in the a.m., which led to the belief that the office might just be closed on this particular day. I mean, when the government recommends to stay home then there's a chance right? I don't think so. Instead I get the..."hey glad you're up, there's a spare key behind the dumpster in the parking lot if you can open up the building. Everyone else seems to be running late."...Right...

So there I stood gazing out the window as if I were about to embark on a dog sledding journey through Alaska with my coffee in one hand and Lean Cuisine in the other (those things never do the trick by the way). Today, however was a great day not to be a car owner...can't even imagine the struggles others were dealing with. On the other hand, no one else in the greater Boston area was aimlessly digging around in the snow-filled parking lot for a spare key to get into work...Has winter past yet? Happy Monday.
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You know, gifts are sort of like sports teams. There are obviously the star players (i.e., clothes, dvds, games, money), but the only way the team is going to win anything is if there is a good supporting cast. The unsung heroes if you will.

Christmas was full of the standard electronic devices--I re-upped my video game collection as well as my sweatshirt status. All seemed well and dandy, but I knew I was forming a Miami Heat-type of lineup. All stars, no hustlers. I'm not trying to go for flash, I wanted to go for championship rings. That's where this little gem came in. It came in a wildly deceiving box that made me think it was either a misdirected watch or necklace meant for someone else. Nope. It was a Brookstone Alarm clock. I yelped at such a high pitch, no one around could hear me, because I was god damned pumped. No more listening to the same jingle every morning, while miserably waking up for the grind--now I'll be listening to a oddly high pitched but soothing chime that will brighten my day before I even take the morning pee.

Guys, I beg you to look back on your gifts and think to yourself, "what gift made the biggest impact on you this year?." It damn sure wasn't the Blu-Ray of "The Town" despite it being good.
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So, I'm still in NY because the Northeast legitimately forgot how to effectively deal with snowfall. Shit's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed.

The main culprit for this embarrassment is the Greyhound driver. Everyone was giving their ticket to the driver and putting their stuff away--everything was basically going smoothly until it came down to me. Guy saw my ticket, immediately gave me the 1990s "hand", and started giggling at me. Thinking it was commonplace, I started giggling too trying to figure out what was up. Turns out Boston doesn't exist anymore. At least not in the basic way of thinking. Jobs have shut themselves down, people can't get out of their doors, and like usual, it's ass-bitingly cold. Not the combo I wanted to go back to, especially when there is an added "Day After Tomorrow"-this-place-might-actually-not-exist-anymore element tossed in there.

Kudos to you Mr. Driver, for playing me to the point where the only thing I can relate it to is getting "served." Can add you to the list of people that have no business laughing at me, but have actually laughed at me.

...reallllly wanted to make a "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" joke somewhere in here, but like my trip, it just wasn't in the cards.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

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This is my first real go around during the Holidays at a 9-5 office, so I didn't quite realize the mass amounts of gift baskets that roll in before Christmas. Let me tell you...Your buddy Craw's true colors really shine through when free food/drinks/miscellaneous shit come through on random occasion.

I couldn't of been more thrilled today in the midst of a hard days work. Hell, even the angry FedEx dude came in with some fresh coffee and bottomless muffins (which absolutely just blew me out of the water)...But it didn't end there. Seven cookies, nine lindt truffles, four cups of coffee and two bottles of wine to take home later and I'm one happy man.
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This is how he spends his time with an ankle injury? If you don't think I'm jealous as shit, you are outside your mind because I'm fuming with envy. When I sprained my ankle pretty bad a few years back time's were fucking hard. It took me like 15 minutes to get up and down the stairs, lost my independence, and I was playing NORMAL video games. No Wave Race 64 dominating the scene in my room. Just my piece of shit PS3 with my piece of shit HDTV. No bells and whistles. The way I see it, if my game doesn't have a pedal, a brake, steering wheel, and a section to insert coins even though I don't have to, it's not a game system at all.

If I was in the league, I'd put the most butter on my shoes pre-game and just hope I sprain my ankle. If life with an injury is like that, I don't want to know what it's like to be a "reliable" player.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

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Pure laziness and all of the glory. That's what I'm talking about house next door. Really showing those dicks next door that mass light purchases and arrangements just don't cut it in 2010. Wittiness does. That's why WMD is thriving in this tumultuous economy. Myself, Craw, and G are going to be swimming in gold coins Scrooge McDuck style when it's all said and done solely because we're witty.

That's why all the honks in this neighborhood will be directed at the "Ditto" guy instead of Overcompensation Family of The Year.
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These big head commercials are some of the bubblious commercials in the game right now. See them on a gloomy day and guarantee you'll be smiling.

Another idea I have to jump on. Is there a facebook app to big head ourselves yet? Because I guarantee I'd untag a billion less pics if I can just enlarge my head while I keep my drunken expression on. People would just giggle at it and refrain from judging me.

I mean this idea is really a pic your poison. Video games made it pretty cool, but think if you're watching that new Dexter episode and all of a sudden the main villain has a big ass head. Much less threatening. Could probably toss it on porn too. Make it a helluva lot weirder.
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So Conan O'Brien has been relentlessly mocking Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark (new musical on Broadway) by depicting the actors fighting each other in wheelchairs and neck braces (actors have been getting hurt left and right making this monster of a production). People have been getting kind of mad about Conan's mocking, but I'm here to tell you it's 100% ACCURATE.

 We were going to NYC when Poppa G snagged a few tickets because he is a nerd and so is my entire family, so naturally we want to see a comic book superhero in a musical written by Bono. We end up spending a few hours of our lives watching crazy Cirque De Soleil situations in which Spiderman thrashes outrageous looking, sometimes blow-up, super villains and jumps into the balconies above our heads repeatedly. 

In the last ten minutes of the play, Spiderman goes after Mary Jane to save her from falling off a building. He falls off a building and down a trap door. Problem is, immediately afterwards I hear screaming and someone yelling 'Call 911!" Apparently Spiderman was NOT supposed to fall off this building...

Audience is immediately kicked out... (no seriously, they were just like "Leave now") as an ambulance pulls up to escort the fallen Spiderman to the hospital. His tether broke and he got seriously injured falling 30 feet. All I can say is, "Did that really just happen? On BROADWAY?"

I'm sure director Julie Taymor had the best intentions, but you know what they say about the road to injured-actors disappointed-audience bad-press hell. Hey, maybe there's a reason action movies aren't musicals after all! Weird, right? I always thought Iron Man and Transformers would be better with singing...

So Conan, thanks for letting us know the error of the Spiderman musical ways. If only we listened to you surely the world would now be a better, safer, place. And that might be the scariest thought of all.

Monday, December 20, 2010

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As much as I didn't want to, someone had to post this picture. I've been in fear for about a week as I thought about putting this up. Thought a bolt of lightning from Zeus himself would strike my laptop or some shit, but alas, it's here. The sports picture to end all sports pictures.

Like, good God. What is Wade doing here? His foresight to what's happening behind him is astounding. He dumped that pass to Lebron four seconds ago and just began to spread the wings to any and all onlookers. That dude behind Lebron on the Bucks is perhaps the most defeated man I've seen in months. Looks like his puppy got run over by a steamroller. I'm still not drinking any of the Kool-Aid the Heat are offering, but shit like this is unsettling.

This picture would be at least 1 million x better if LBJ clanked a layup or something. Good thing this team is so cocky that the odds this exact picture is taken like 8 more times throughout the season are pretty high.
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In what looks like an apartment complex...whoever constructed this isn't so shy about running up the electric bill this month. How upset is the disgruntled old man who presumably lives in the top floor of the building five feet to the left? Just trying to get some early shuteye only to peer out at the carnival downstairs...Can't be good.

Listen I'm all about holiday decoration but as soon as somebody decides to plop down a blow-up Santa Claus next to his mailbox...well that's simply the end of the line for me. I recently saw a life-size light-up Nativity set en route to the mall and just didn't know how to react.

Deck the Halls with Danny DeVito wasn't made for kicks...There are people out there crazy enough to build power plants in December with goals to be widely recognized on Google Maps and that's just scary. I'd like to knock on some of these doors and maybe hand out a few job listings or club invites. The only thing remotely funny about this is when June rolls around and you can still spot Reindeer on the roof.
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Not really sure what color that jersey is, but dude is killin' it. Just wailing like there is no tomorrow with some of the poorest accuracy ever to be displayed in a fighting scenario.

I'd feel so confused if I was the guy in the white. It'd take me back in the day to those times where'd you be fighting with your friend/sibling/cousin and they'd pull the ol' "I'm just going to start punching and if you get in my way, it's your fault" play. A completely powerless moment, because no matter what, you're in the wrong. Wait a second...the guy in the white is doing the exact same thing. God dammit.

That's soccer ladies and gentlemen. Shit's ridiculous.
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Granted it's not "bro your car's frozen" level, but it's cold as hell out here. I'm generally outside for 10 minutes at most during different points of the day and I probably had a slipping incident occur a least 10-15 times. It's like my equilibrium is off or something. Or I'm drunk.

Let me tell you the worst part about this. Once you get past the whole "Winter Wonderland" thing everyone goes through on the first snow fall, you're probably going to get hit in the eye with a real jagged snowflake. Happened to me today. In a solid effort to soak in all that is winter snow, I looked up in the sky and not .0001 seconds later there was a Ninja star shaped snowflake in my eye debilitating me on the street. That leaves me looking like a vagrant with tears pouring out of my eye. Anyway, I'm just trying to make it through the harshness of winter, you know? I'm not trying to end up like that car on my lunch break out here.

What's really good with that peacoat that has the same mechanism as the electric blanket? I'll risk the obvious fire hazard.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

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1) Don't get obscenely shit-faced and offend people. No one forgets "that" guy at the holiday party.

2) Do crush the hor d'ourves. The host laid them out there for a reason. You will not look weird if you strictly eat those and not talk to anyone the entire night. Trust me, it's worked for me for years, and I have tons of friends.

3) Don't abuse the "alcohol is a social inhibitor" principle. Debbie from accounting knows you've been waiting for this day and she has her sexual harassment dress on just for the occasion.

4) Do request Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" if it hasn't been played. Also request it again if it has been played one time. I was in a bar last weekend and they played it twice. Pretty sure the second time was better (I was drunker/it may not have happened?).

5) Don't be that guy that requests the "Yule Log" channel. Shit's boring. Toss on "A Christmas Story" or at least Home Alone 2. But just like the last 15 minutes.

6) Do make a scene when you go home for the holiday break. As a working man/woman you're probably home for like 3 days. Make a fucking splash.

7) Like Craw said, don't be that person with the mistletoe hat. You people reek of desperation and are the scum of the holiday party world.

Happy Hoe-Lidays!!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

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Warning...The clip above displays nudity...Sorry mom...Hopefully I'm not blocked by the admin page by tomorrow morning but talk about seizing the moment here. A common model type intercepting the pass and firing one past the goalie in front of the 100,000 in attendance. If this wasn't fake it would be the most fantastic play in all of professional sports.

I'll be at the Celtics Hawks game tomorrow night and after watching this clip I might just follow suit...not naked of course. I'll spare those who have the game on TV with their respective dinners in front of them...but if I could sneak down from the balcony, get passed security and look to Nate Robinson for the rock the possibilities are endless.

Who knows...I could hit a trey bomb nothing but net and look to Doc Rivers from the baseline and say I deserve that 15th spot over Luke Harrongody. At the end of the day we all know that I'd definitely be too slow to make it past the food stand before I could even think about it. I'll just grab a few brews and leave it up to the big boys...hoping something similar to this will actually go down.
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This may be the first instance where an idea grabbed me, slapped me in the face, and called itself terrible. All around bad news bears when it comes to this killing machine.

So obviously when 2012 comes, there's going to be some major apocalyptic event. My guess is still zombies, but coming in at a close second is the entire "Terminator" plot where the machines take over. Not weird at all to think that, so stop judging. You can probably see my fear here with machines such as the "Ham-Boner" being created. If this device was in the wrong hands it could legitimately fuck someone's world up. Like between this and a woodchipper, I don't know what will maim/destroy you worse.

So 2 years from now, I don't want to hear anyone talking about how Dub J was lollygagging, not informing anyone of the imminent Ham-Boner threat. Do we really need ham cut that precisely? No thanks, rather keep my limbs intact.
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Clear gusto here folks. Mark Wahlberg is just proving to himself via the use of about 40 actors/puppets/cartoon characters, that he can make it. Don't know what "it" is persay, but I'm damn sure not going to find out by seeing "The Fighter."

This video had me rolling when they showed the old dude at the 17 second mark. He just had a "come on man" look on his face that I straight up sympathized with. Either way, if this AND "The Happening" don't get this man some Oscar nods, I don't know what's up with the academy.

Because we all know, Marky Mark kills it when there is a "The" in the title of his movies.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

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No question here. Desean Jackson was/is the biggest douchebag in this battle. He's possibly the biggest d-bag in the NFL, but that's completely fine with me because the dude's exciting.

First example is purely a Rock Bottom. Yeah, the Rock Bottom from "The Rock" the wrestler. Shit must be 100% illegal, but I respect the hell out of it. Just really took it to the next level there and clearly did not care.

Desean down in the second example decided to make a mockery of everything. Everything. I was offended, confused, and laughing at the same time. Simply a reaction that I never thought I'd see when someone made it to the end zone. D. Jackson, just a guy killin' it on the field who, four years down the line can be arrested for ANYTHING and I wouldn't be surprised.
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Here's the complete list with my opinions of course.

Top 10:

1. Bed Intruder Track: Probably one of my favorite tracks of the year. What's more concerning: the fact that this dude is wayyy richer than me or the fact that this song is steady climbing up my ITunes Top 25?

2. Kesha "Tik Tok" Parody: We can safely call this the year of drunk and overall disorderly bitches. Some rando piggybacked off said "year" and made out like a god damn bandit. Can only tip my hat to this chick.

3. Greyson Chance "Paparazzi": Welp, found the cure for my Bieber Fever (which was crippling by the way) and it's this charismatic youngster. The kid literally has chicks unfurled up in their seats. My only hope is that my blog posts do the same.

4. Annoying Orange Wassup: Never has a video title been so accurate. I'm just going to go ahead and advise you not to click this link. You're 1000% going to be upset.

5. The Man Your Man Can Smell Like: My opinions on this video are pretty much best represented through various "Halloween 2010" Facebook albums featuring me shirtless and holding a bottle of Old Spice. Drunk.

6. Giant Double Rainbow: Hey, knock this all you want, I just wish I could be as excited about anything as this guy. Sometimes I pop on Super Smash Bros. and get something like this, but it's just not the same.

7. OK Go "This Too Shall Pass": We get it guys, you make weird videos. You should probably go about a different approach, like make a crazy video, get on the map, then make normal videos. This shit is clearly cutting into your studio time.

8. Twilight Saga Eclipse Trailer: Saw this coming to be honest. It's like lying to your parents about something and knowing it'll eventually come back to bite ya. This is the Youtube equivalent of getting beaten to the point of Social Services arrival.

9. Jimmy Surprises Bieber Fan: A fairly disturbing video. Never saw it before and that was probably for the best. Add this to the list of reasons not to have a daughter. Can't imagine walking into my daughter's room and seeing life-size Bieber cut out.

10. Ken Block's Car Show: Just another car riding the rails like it's a skateboard. Kidding, I didn't watch this video, it's 7 minutes long. That's about 3 minutes over my Youtube attention span unless you got some sick sports highlights or chicks in bikinis.

Exhausting post. Time to put up some pictures of football players doing outlandish things.

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I guess if we all thought of our light switches as independent and horny entities, maybe we would be less likely to go around turning them on so indiscriminately all the time. Next time you're flipping that switch: Am I really ready to settle down and spend some slow, magical time with this light bulb? Yeah, that's right. Think about it.

Or don't. Because that could get weird.
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Probably the scariest, craziest thing I've ever seen in my 23 years on this planet.

So my friends and I took a little road trip to Philly this weekend to get involved in some weird stuff, when suddenly the trip hit a snag. And by hit a snag, I mean one of my friends was so hungover he was vomiting profusely outside of the vehicle. That is not where the problem lies though. Because said friend couldn't keep his shit together, we were kind enough to offer him some Altoids to help get through the trip. Thinking nothing of it, I saw the window roll down and he tossed the Altoid out the window. WHAT?! For some reason that hit a cord with me. The brain didn't register that you can actually do that. How much of a psychopath do you have to be to think to yourself, "Man, I'm so hungover, this Altoid is just TOO much. I'm going to toss it." Is the curiously strong mint treat really going to be the straw that broke the camel's back and send you over the top. I've been DRUNK before, and believe me, there's always room for an Altoid.

You can show me Hostel, Saw 1-8, and The Hills Have Eyes, and I would still say that this was easily the scariest thing I've ever seen with my own eyes.

Monday, December 13, 2010

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Just a total bells and whistles operation. Really flashy without any substance. Essentially, this eyesore is the Kim Kardashian of snowmen.

Story goes: a ton of "bored" Polish folk decided it was a fantastic idea to spend 6 days creating a pretty shitty snow man. Call me a traditionalist here, but I liken a quality snowman to my boy Frosty. Dude was compiled of three perfectly sculpted snow spheres made exclusively from the waters of Lake Minnetonka, with Louis Vuitton buttons/scarf/top hat, and the most organic carrot imaginable. Classy all around. He had children on his coat tails, dudes trying to be him, and women wanting to be with him. That's how I envision my snow men. This thing above folks, is possibly the most opposite you can be from my description.

Apparently, they're pumped that they had the "ingenuity" to make his nose a traffic cone. Yeah, amateur hour would probably give you a round of applause, but not Dub J. To really get my attention you need to AT LEAST find the world's biggest carrot and use that as a nose--not a cone, shit's a joke. If I can see the laziness of your country in one picture, you need to step it up. Maybe bend physics a bit and make some sphere like objects instead of just dumping snow on top of other snow. If I had 6 days, a bulldozer, and a snow machine I would have absolutely crushed the Snow Man scene in Poland.

What is that, a fucking oil drum on his head? Ludicrous.
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Believe it or not...times are still hard within the confines of LA's other basketball franchise. Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has apparently been heckling guard Baron Davis on the court for being out of shape and generally sucking. Davis, who has three years and almost $42 million left on his contract (damn) recently spoke out on the issue: "You just get to this point where it's a fight every day. It's a fight. You're fighting unnecessary battles. I'm fighting unnecessary battles."

I can't feel bad for anyone who's raking in millions of dollars for decently contributing to the NBA's worst franchise but that's just embarrassing. I couldn't imagine the owner of my company looming over my desk and taunting me while I'm trying to handle phone calls to the best of my ability. Clippers fans...enjoy Blake Griffin while you can. Only a matter of time before he leaves, gets injured, or has to deal with this kind of shit.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

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Sometimes things just aren't supposed to mix. Namely, electricity and water. That's generally a profoundly bad idea. So you can probably see why I think this new fangled electrical outlet will probably end a few lives this holiday season.

First off, this picture just ain't selling it for me. It looks like it's made from the same makeup of the famed Slip'N Slide--just water sprinkling from out the woodwork. No rhyme or reason where that shit's coming from. Secondly, there's a fucking night light attached to it. Night lights request like 14 watts of electricity. Attach two Sub-woofers, a E-Machines desktop, and a god damn space heater, and pretend fireworks won't be occurring. And by fireworks I mean, people are fucking dying. Left and right. Hellfire and brimstone flowing from places you don't even understand.

That's what you're going to get from the "waterproof" outlet folks. Death and destruction.
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Let's just say I hit the god damn goldmine in the realm of trained animal tricks. Oh, you can make your dog fetch a ball? Your cat can play with yarn? Well I got news for you, I got a cockatoo up my sleeve that will make me rich as shit.

Unfortunately the cockatoo pictured isn't my future cockatoo (because apparently it's hard as hell to teach one of these to rollerskate), but it will be extensively trained via this site. Trained in the art of panhandling and grab-bagging like those bums you read about. You best believe that within 15 minutes of walking my neighborhood's change riddled streets, my cockatoo will have my pockets janglin'.

Let's talk cockatoos for a second. These animals are sneaky incredible. Like, Teddy the Rollerskating cockatoo for example. This mofo can rollerskate AND dunk a basketball. Two things I straight up cannot do. I have to consult a fucking cockatoo for information on how to maintain equilibrium in a roller rink. If I summarize everything compiled here, I am going to need to 1) buy a cockatoo, 2) train a cockatoo to pick up change and put it into my pocket, 3) convince said cockatoo to train me to rollerskate and dunk a basketball. When it comes down to it, the student actually becomes the teacher.

Truly folks, the circle of life.
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With all of the Holiday parties brewing better watch out for that mistletoe above because it might just not be your lucky day. It's implied that if you're in the midst of conversing or walking by another and a mistletoe makes its way into the kiss. Possibly the best or worst idea anyone's ever worked into a Christmas event. Romantic (creepy) Craw would say "why not attach one to my Santa hat, set up shop and rake in holiday pecks all night." Conventional Craw will explain in depth why that's not such a good idea.

1) Girl X is not enthused - In the moment you find the girl of your dreams under the mistletoe and she either...A) dips out. B) grabs a handful of the nearest appetizer. C) turns the cheek - I can assure you the night won't be so festive anymore. Speed up to an hour and a few more shots of whiskey and you're no longer the nice friend but instead the guy who fell, knocked over ___insert expensive object and forced everyone out.

2) Running into that outrageously inappropriate friend who rolls with it - On a given night we all have a buddy who is ready to take whatever's happening to the next level. That friend is...A) too wasted to care. B) not feeling the love from anyone else. C) really wants to piss you off. No tone will be set from an incident like this.

3) Getting stuck at the family party when the crazy aunt/grandmother pulls you in with a mistletoe of her own - Sneak attack. Nobody likes them. Which old lady is having way too much fun and decides to pinch her nephews cheeks and...A) abuse the ruling with multiple pecks. B) yell from the mountain tops about how much you've grown so everyone else can point and laugh. C) catch you on the way out when the damage has already been done and you're just trying to get your coat and bounce. If you're respective siblings avoided the chaos it's within their rights to make sure the embarrassment level stays high.

4) 'Good-humored' friends set you up with the one you've been avoiding all night - Not the most likely of the scenarios but could definitely make its way into the scene. There's a girl at the party who likes you. You're blocked by the guys on the right and her friends on the left...everyone's waiting for the magic to unfold. That's when you play out the tactics of scenario #1 and...A) dip out. B) grab a handful of the nearest appetizer. C) turn that Cannot and will not play to your favor. Girl upset...Friends upset. Speed up to an hour and a few more shots of whiskey and...well you know the drill. Some may be in search for some mistletoe action and so will I...but for a number of reasons.

Best of luck on your merry excursions.
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Is this a Boston thing, or a national epidemic? (Or I guess an international epidemic, since apparently this book and movie are "international best-sellers." Can someone in London get on the tube and get back to me with some investigative research ASAP?) 

Either way, I can't really take it any more. Every time I get on the T, (for the past 3 MONTHS) there is some man, woman, or child reading this neon book, with it propped up in front of their eyes, so we can all see the cover, like we should all know that they're reading it, like this should tell us something.

Where did you all get this book? Do you usually read a book on the T, or is there some subversive hidden message in the first page which forces you to not only read it, but to read it as publicly as possible? Every time I think maybe I'm being silly about this theory, I'll glance to my left on the train home and BAM... The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I finally forget about it and go for a run, only to be shocked as I pass a bench... The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo out of nowhere.

I mean, I might read this. I might even redbox the movie one day. But I'm not going to be PROUD of it, and I'm not going to be on the T. In fact, it's going to be a secret, like watching the Jerry Springer midget fight yesterday on Youtube. And I will not tell any of you until the day I die.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

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All I want for Christmas is a Jet Pack...too much to ask for? I feel like Jet Packs have been floating around behind the scenes for quite some time now, and frankly I just want to make it apart of my daily commute to work. Walking is okay for the time being but I wouldn't mind parking on the roof every once in a while.

Let's go technology we gotta get it together...Wasn't Lance Bass supposed to be in space by now?  P Diddy (not Diddy Kong) apparently swooped into an award show in style years ago so what's the hold up? Guess I just need to wait for those millions to come in...Once WMD hits the big time you know what my first purchase will be.
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So everyone's got an opinion on the NFL hit policy that is fining dudes billions of dollars if they hit someone in the head with their helmet. I find that ridiculous. Not because of the message, but because of the money people are getting taken away. Saw James Harrison got fined $125,000 this year for a few hits. Also saw his coach defend him with the ol' "He's got two kids excuse." Though it looks absurd from the NFL player standpoint, let's think how it'd be if regular guys and gals like you and me were getting these types of punishments..

My roommates and I joked the other night about how each James Harrison fine was essentially our salary. Like, "Yo man, keep your head on a swivel at work tomorrow." Because no one wants to see a disgruntled Craw walk through the door shaking his head saying, "So I dropped a piece of paper on the ground and bent over to pick it up, when all of a sudden my boss bent down to pick it up at the same time. Needless to say, we bumped heads and I got fined my entire years salary." That shit would be awful. I can see it now. Running late for a meeting or need to hit a tight deadline, you can probably see me somewhere between a brisk jog and a full out sprint. If Becky from accounting decides to leisurely stroll around the corner while I'm in full stride, we can have a situation on our hands. If by situation you mean I'm fined $50K with the added kicker of having to still come in for work. I'd be super salty.

We can break it down further too in the realm of penalties: One guy going for another guy's office crush=pass interference. Accidental boob tap=offsides/encroachment. Applying a paper clip to a document=clipping.

Take a timeout guys and grab yourself a coffee.
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Talk about scary realizations huh? Elementary school was the gateway drug to the downtown Saturday nights we've all made so popular these days. One second you're getting yelled at by mom that your lunch is bagged and the bus is outside then next thing you know you're struggling to do the math in your head on those Soco-Lime shots.

It hit me the other day when I saw this "$3 Vodka Special" drinks deal. I had four friends with me and was going to get a round. Next thing you know, I'm crunching numbers in my head like Gordon Gecko, and thinking about drunken efficiency divided by vodka tonics. Doing shit in my head like, "If friend A is pretty drunk, should you exclude him from the round even though friends B and C are fairly sober?" Then you think to yourself, "this is what elementary school was for"--situations exactly like that.

You'll instantly know that five of those "Vodka Specials" are $15 plus a reasonable tip of $2. Tips are calculated through a careful mix of "baller-ocity", "will I regret seeing my balance Sunday morning", and "I just want to make the total amount end in a zero." My favorite being the last one--not for myself, but one of my friends tips simply to make the overall total end with a zero. So if the total is $11, this guy is tipping $9 just to make sure it ends at $20. Stupid as hell, but hilarious. Like no concern when he hears things like, "Bro, that's like an 80% tip."

You know life's at a troubling point when I'm sitting in the bar waiting to get the bartender's attention that I think it's a profoundly clever idea to jot down in the memo section of my phone: "Matht aT BaR" for a post idea.

This blog is essentially made from a pile of dirt and excrement.

Monday, December 6, 2010

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Keeping it neutral here because fellow blogger Craw is a stupidly huge Pats fan like I'm a stupidly huge Jets fan.

Gonna be a fun one. Tune in at 8:30.

Oh yeah, if the Jets win, you best believe I'm going to post some outrageously obnoxious cocky post immediately after. If we lose, you won't be hearing from me for awhile.
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A real life depiction of Luigi working the phone as Mario stares aimlessly in search of Peach...These dudes have to be on the receiving end of a number of weird looks and comments right?

Were any of their kids kind enough to say "hey dad, maybe change up the colors or lose the stash so you don't strikingly resemble Mario on the job." If this is the usual get-up then we could have ourselves a reality TV show in the works real soon. Hopefully they'd be able to bust out the Karts once and a while...

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So I'm still recovering from the shattering of all my childhood lust for Kel of "Kenan and Kel" now that Dub Jeezy dropped the bomb of "Orange Soda Boy" all over it. Seriously, I'm kind of heartbroken. Because he's right, Kel was hot, and though insane/possibly actually retarded, just generally such a better person than seemingly smart and conniving Kenan.

But now, all I have to say is that Kel has become a TERRIBLE person, his "new" dance is awful, and all his underdog sex appeal has been irrevocably blocked by rip-off Kanye West tacky orange plastic lined sunglasses combined with a cheap imitation Soulja boy arm gesture. And that I would be a thousand times more likely to break it down in any club (or just sometimes listen on Youtube) to this old school "I Dropped The Screw in the Tuna" remix than to any new copycat Kel productions.

Kel, you may have been my first love, but now I feel like everything was all a lie. Do you even like orange soda?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

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I can imagine the typical American worker is pretty stressed during the morning and evening commute (because hey, It's A Working Man's Diary), but imagine how extra stressed you'd be if you got hit in the face with a remote control airplane right before you walked into your office building.

This is, "today is the day that I snap and probably get fired" worthy. We wonder why things like that happen to people. We like to dig way too deep into it. Like what music the person listened to, their daily routines, and what not. How about wondering what happened to the person before they got to work. I've had a bird poop on my shoulder and I thought that was my last straw. I can't say I wouldn't have taken it to an even more extreme level if some douchebags on top of some random building had it out for me and flew a remote controlled plane into my grill.
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As a parent, if you buy your child this shirt you deserve to get forcibly placed into a time capsule and buried deep underground to never be seen again. And once you're found, there needs to be some sort of sign with a picture of this shirt and an explanation that you purchased this for your child.

A fate worse than death if you ask me. But really consumers? A kid's shirt with boob tassels? You can't give this shirt to a little girl because that's just offensive and in bad taste, so your only option is giving this to a little boy. It's the biggest lose-lose situation since LeBron James to the Miami Heat (ba-ZING). You got your boy looking like a bad joke with tassels on his chest just giggling like there isn't anything wrong.

Oh there's something wrong, son. Wait until you see those photo albums like 10 years from now. It'll be one of those awkward moments when you knock on your parent's bedroom door with that weird face on--that combination of concerned/scared/confused. You'll go in with picture in hand, and Mom and Dad will have nothing to say. Nothing. They'll be speechless for about an hour and will eventually apologize.

I see no other options as a parent. But as the saying goes, "If you get your kid a $600 nipple tassel t-shirt for Christmas, you'll probably end up buried in a time capsule."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

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So this remarkable shooting clinic has to run parallel to Larry Legends All-Star performance is that too much of a stretch? I don't know how well this mini-hoop assassin can contribute on the parquet floor but befriend her in the arcade and you're undoubtedly walking away with the best prize behind the counter.

How did the girl who casually walked by not stop dead in her tracks to be a witness? What's with the guy stretching on the side and subbing in for a round immediately after...Relax dude, your girl has you beat. Hopefully she's hustling anyone sick enough to bet on arcade ball...If not it may be about that time to put the game down.

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Props to that baby for having the dexterity to hold a beer bottle. I can barely do that shit at the bar let alone while being a baby that dad's haplessly carrying with one hand.

So consistently drunk singer Pink has come up with the non-life-scarring idea of naming her first born child after Jameson whiskey. Usually I make an effort to find a silver lining in a lot of the batshit crazy ideas out there, but this one is pretty tough. Coming from a kid with a bad first name, I feel for this kid. Like, everyone has that conversation with their Mom about where their name came from. Pink will NOT want to answer that question. She'll be fumbling her words and trying to change the subject. Probably drop a smoke bomb and disappear into the night or something. Because the truth would sound a little something like this, "Yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed getting all sorts of piss hammered prior to and during my pregnancy with you, so yeah, Jameson made sense."

Some scarring stuff if you ask me. I was pretty shaken when my Mom broke down and told me that I was named after "Winnie The Pooh", the overweight vagrant bear, that routinely stole honey and destroyed bee habitats. Not a cool thing to be named after. Name me something like "Falcon" or "Fox." Chime in Dad. A name like one of those would be weird on the come up, but around the high school and college years, you best believe I'll be a chick magnet. Didn't think ahead guys. Didn't think ahead...

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Believe me, I wasn't doing too well when I saw Dumbledore die at the end of "Half-Blood Prince", but I wasn't in a poop-filled toilet complaining about the dankness of the weed I smoked. I may have teared up a bit, but that was the extent of my antics.

Come on now, why are you getting inebriated for Harry Potter? The ride is magical enough for you to need drugs/booze. Granted, I would have LOVED to see "The Expendables" hammered with the guys, but it just wasn't in the cards. Some movies I deem it appropriate. Not HP. They're playing quidditch, fighting dragons, and apparating and shit. I think I'm set with that.

Seeing Dobby, the emaciated House Elf dominate the shit out of the Deathly Hallows is my Anti-Drug.