Tuesday, December 7, 2010

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Did Elementary School Math Teach Us How To Deal At The Bars?

Talk about scary realizations huh? Elementary school was the gateway drug to the downtown Saturday nights we've all made so popular these days. One second you're getting yelled at by mom that your lunch is bagged and the bus is outside then next thing you know you're struggling to do the math in your head on those Soco-Lime shots.

It hit me the other day when I saw this "$3 Vodka Special" drinks deal. I had four friends with me and was going to get a round. Next thing you know, I'm crunching numbers in my head like Gordon Gecko, and thinking about drunken efficiency divided by vodka tonics. Doing shit in my head like, "If friend A is pretty drunk, should you exclude him from the round even though friends B and C are fairly sober?" Then you think to yourself, "this is what elementary school was for"--situations exactly like that.

You'll instantly know that five of those "Vodka Specials" are $15 plus a reasonable tip of $2. Tips are calculated through a careful mix of "baller-ocity", "will I regret seeing my balance Sunday morning", and "I just want to make the total amount end in a zero." My favorite being the last one--not for myself, but one of my friends tips simply to make the overall total end with a zero. So if the total is $11, this guy is tipping $9 just to make sure it ends at $20. Stupid as hell, but hilarious. Like no concern when he hears things like, "Bro, that's like an 80% tip."

You know life's at a troubling point when I'm sitting in the bar waiting to get the bartender's attention that I think it's a profoundly clever idea to jot down in the memo section of my phone: "Matht aT BaR" for a post idea.

This blog is essentially made from a pile of dirt and excrement.

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