Tuesday, July 16, 2013

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Working Man's Diary Racial Draft: Round 1

Welcome, to the first annual Working Man’s Diary Racial Draft. Stealing the concept from Chappelle’s Show (duh), Dub and I are each making a pick for each race, then providing brief and slightly offensive commentary. The draft order stays the same (Black Delegation, Jewish Delegation, Latino Delegation, White Delegation, Asian Delegation). No trades, which sadly means the epic Colin Powell/Condi Rice/Eminem for OJ trade can’t happen. Don’t think I’m missing anything. We’re going 5 rounds. Here’s Round 1:

Black Delegation, Round 1, Pick 1:

Flip selects Tiger Woods --
He’s still the highest paid athlete in the world and one of the most famous. No need to get cute with anyone else.

Dub selects Justin Timberlake --
Big time oversight from Flip there picking Tiger Vonn with JT on the draft board. FutureSex Lovesounds was the blackest R&B album to come out in the last decade. And he’s on tour with Hov. Franchise player.

Jewish Delegation, Round 1, Pick 2:

Flip selects Jerry Seinfeld --
Did you see how much cash he brings in yearly? The most famous Jewish person in the world, no reason to let the White Delegation snatch him up.

Dub selects Amare Stoudemire --
Perfect pick for the Jews. Old man Stoudemire is a) Jewish b) 3rd highest paid player in the league c) can be the greatest Jewish basketball player of all time. Maccabi Tel Aviv B.C. just got a lot better.

Latino Delegation, Round 1, Pick 3:

Flip selects Selena Gomez --
Maybe the easiest pick of the 1st round. Young, attractive, can sing, dance, designs clothes, does a ton of charity work. A slam-dunk pick.

Dub selects Louis CK --
Bet you guys didn’t know Louis CK is fucking Mexican. Steal of the draft! The whites did NOT see this one coming.

White Delegation, Round 1, Pick 4:

Flip selects Barack Obama --
Mostly a troll move by white people who refuse to accept that Obama is black. But still, this means we’ve never had a black president other than Bill Clinton. YOUR MOVE, CORY BOOKER.

Dub selects Olivia Munn --
The whites were backed into a corner here and could not afford to lose one of their hottest ambiguous girls to the Asian delegation. More of a value pick than a need, but it had to happen.

Asian Delegation, Round 1, Pick 5:

Flip selects the Wu-Tang Clan --
Still a great pick. They would receive approximately 182 people, since everyone is in the Wu-Tang Clan. Plus this makes 36 Chambers the best piece of Asian music since the Qin dynasty.

Dub selects Tracy McGrady --
It had to happen. Tracy has been Chinese for the past 8 years and no one talked about it. Him and Yao BBQ regularly on Sundays. Yeah, that’s probably not true, but you don’t trust yourself enough to challenge me on that.

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