Thursday, September 9, 2010

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So, I Have A King Size Bed

As much as I would kill to have a Dub Cheesy bed (and the accompanying chick on it) that shit's simply not realistic. You can't lead a respectable life if you have a burger bed. Rule number 1 of post-graduate life.

But for serious, my bed is stupidly large. The terms obnoxious, absurd, and "why?" have all been used on a consistent basis to describe my living standards. It's literally a big square. No side bigger than the other with two box springs, AKA ballerific. People always ask me, "why do you have a king sized bed when you're built so delectably slim?" My best response is, "why not." What man or woman with no bed would turn down a new free bed, especially a king sized one? If you're one of those people, you're probably a serial killer, or have no friends, or both. Just a red flag surrounding you the rest of your life. Shit will get you on, "How to Catch a Predator." People always wonder how I sleep on it too. What a weird inquiry, right? How about I go up to you and ask what your shit schedule is like. That'll end a convo real quick. Basically I sleep whichever way is convenient for whatever I'm doing, which could mean diagonally, which is a mindfuck. I wake up after sleeping in that spot and feel like I'm in Narnia or something. Just Centaurs and Fairies telling me my life sucks and I have to go to work.

All I'm asking you guys is to stop judging the guy that has a king-sized bed. He knows it's ridiculous, but he will never give it up for the life of him. Believe me, mine is right up there with my unborn first child. I, one time (sober) stated that all I care about in the house if it were to be robbed was my computer, TV/PS3, and my bed. No individuals, important documents, or furniture. Bed made the cut though.

Get off your high horse, full size.

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