Thursday, February 13, 2014

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Lil Kim Is Pregnant And Somehow Found A Way To Look Different Again


Lil Kim version 16.0 17.0 17.2 is finally here.  It's like one of those AOL packets that kept showing up in your mailbox in 1999 that you never wanted except this one kinda hurts.  I have a history with Kimberly.  "How Many Licks" thrust me into a world I couldn't possibly understand.  She straight up took my puberty away and for that, I owe her.  I think?

So obviously this begs the question of "Why?"  Lots of whys.  

Why did you get pregnant, Kim? You look like a bootleg Madame Toussaud version of yourself.  

Why did you impregnate her, random guy?  Unless it was planned (it wasn't) this is an all-time "Safe Sex" practicing night.  When you convince yourself that you are going to have sex with Lil Kim, you have to also have a tangential agreement with yourself that you have at least 50 condoms/dental dams/saran wrap related products on your person.  Remember Bubble Boy?  Yeah, like that.

But when did we start losing Kim?


First things first, this is the most bonkers number organization that I have ever seen. Disorienting as shit.  And it's safe to say that we never really "had" Kim in the first place.  She was just kept in check better at certain points than others. 

She temporarily turned white in 2004, got fat-faced in 2005, lost her cheeks in 2009, turned white again in 2011, turned Asian in 2012 and died once in 2013.  It's safe to say she's transformed a bit.  It's 2014 and we're onto "she's growing a life inside her now" mode.  

Let's pray this baby doesn't come out looking like fucking Ivan Ooze.