Wednesday, February 5, 2014

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Based On This Girl's "Boyfriend Rules", I'm Not A Great Boyfriend

What does this girl know?  You can't take anyone that writes on a napkin with a purple gel pen seriously.  Plus, this chick inexplicably stopped this list at 31.  Not 30.  Thirty fucking one.  All in all, I'm going to take this with a grain of salt, but according to Dr. Drew over here, I'm a pretty shitty boyfriend.

1) Nice handwriting - Yikes, tough start. 


2) Cuteness - Easy money.

3) Likes Parents - And parents like me

4) Not living with parents - Check.  This is starting to sound like the first verse of "No Scrubs"

5) Good manners - I put napkins in my lap at dinner and stick my pinky out when I drink wine.

6) Good artist - The first time I colored outside of the lines I wanted to jump off the roof.  Retired after that.

7) Dresses well - Own two tie clips, so I think so.

8) Takes you to nice places - Quite possibly the only thing that I'm sure of on this list.

9) Nice place - I'd give it a B-  in decor and an A in location.  

10) Likes children/Wants Children - Love kids.  I think they're legitimately idiots, but they're great.

11) Nice jewelry - Livestrong bracelet circa '05-'08

12) Listens - Wut?

13) Don't pick your nose - Can't stop, won't stop.

14) No kissing on first date - Hitch method.  I go 90, you go 10.  You're the one doing the kissing.

15) Marry someone who respects you - Hard not to get behind this.

16) Smart - Almost too smart.

17) Good cook - I contributed heavily into making Jambalaya recently.  

18) Has a good job - I write blogs and work for the "man", so probably?

19) Always happy - I'm very gay, most of the time.

20) Clean - At 7:50 am on weekday mornings.  Any other time? I can't make any guarantees.

21) Respect different religions - I'm on Team "Whatever gets you through the day"

22) Last name not weird - I have the most basic, slave-times last name ever.  I think we'll be ok here.

23) Very fun - I own a Playstation, c'mon.

24) Makes you laugh - *Checks name plate* *Sees "Dub Jeezy"* *Gives thumbs up*

25) Eats healthy - I have a customer rewards card to three separate burrito establishments. So umm..

26) Takes care of body - I'm jacked for someone who has a customer rewards card to three separate burrito establishments.

27) Doesn't Tattletale - Snitches get stitches.

28) Brushes teeth and floss - Literally bled profusely for ten minutes after flossing last night.

29) Likes your job - I like blogs, but don't like the man.  Neutral.

30) Take care of pet - I look at pictures of puppies on a daily basis.  I'd probably be a shitty puppy dad though.

31) Doesn't smoke - Gross.

Overall, not too bad.  Somewhere my girlfriend has realized that she made a huge mistake.

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