A Field Trip to Friendly's Is In Order

My first thought when I saw the new Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt was how soon can I get one...I used to think the KFC Double Down was badass before eventually identifying it as nothing more than a fried sloppy cordon bleu. This masterpiece trumps the Double Down judging by the picture. Don't sleep on the restaurant where "ice cream makes the meal."

Friendly's describes the new creation as a "thick and juicy 100% Black Angus Big Beef Burger between two whole grilled cheese sandwiches, complete with lettuce, tomato and mayo." This thing is packed with 1,500 calories, 97 grams of fat and 2,090 milligrams of sodium (don't let the minor details intimidate you).

Big ups to Friendly's for going out of their way to get innovative. I appreciate their ability to work against the standard practice of what it is to construct a burger/sandwich in order to please the common fat man. Too bad I couldn't feast during 4th of July weekend because this thing IS America.

Dennys Bringing out Cheese in Cheese on Cheese

Allow me to introduce the latest food project to take the overweight U.S. population by storm: the Denny's Fried Cheese Sandwich. Sort of a lighter selection compared to the Friendly's Grilled Cheeseburger Melt, but will still serve to provide the rush of greasy goodness you desire.

So the creation as depicted can be described as four savory fried mozzarella sticks and the finest American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread....for four dollars. Yup, certainly getting your bang for your buck on this one. The Fried Cheese sandwich will go down on the revamped $2 $4 $6 $8 value menu at Denny's (this is awesome). Also featured on the bill will be the Nacho Salad and Bacon Chipotle Skillet. Now if you'll excuse me I've got a date with Denny's.

Automatic Doors Aren't Opening For Me Anymore

I guess my soul ran out of juice. Clearly something very important within me expired and now I can't get through automatic doors.

A real chunk of your manhood gets blasted away when you straight up run into an automatic door that was supposed to open. The other day I was crushing someone in Words With Friends when all of a sudden my life flashed before my eyes. I made square contact with the auto-door at my work and hit my face right on the glass. Easily had a mild-concussion and a sprained MCL. Luckily no one was around when I did it, but regardless I had to take the revolving door like a defeated mule. The next day I watched a countless amount of people walk in and out of that door like God was sitting on a lawn chair with a glass of lemonade and a fresh grilled cheese giggling at my misfortune. "Oh Dub, that just sounds like a random unfortunate malfunction." Nope.

Walked out of the grocery store yesterday and crushed another fucking door. Smashed it. At that point I had to ask myself, "Why are you darting into automatic doors with reckless abandon in the first place?", but then I realized it's an automatic door and I should never have this dilemma. The person behind me definitely laughed, made sure I wasn't crying, and proceeded to walk through the door no problem. What's really good with that? Do I seriously have no soul? Do my sneakers not have the proper rubber to trigger the auto-sensors? Am I straight up a bad person and is this my punishment? If that's the case, it's an outlandishly bizarre and straight up cruel method of torture.

I'm not much of 'say your prayers' kind of guy, but tonight I'm definitely going to be getting my hymn on.

I Think The Pizza-Cone Won

Not quite sure what it won, but it did. The buzzer rang and the pizza cone just kicked the shit out of America 100-19.

I want one bad, but at the same time I never want to be in the same room as one. It's a conundrum and a half. Purely a logistical nightmare. No doubt in my mind that the hand in the bottom-right picture got burned clean off. Where does the sauce go? Can't stay in the cone forever.

All in all, I'm going to end up eating this at some point. It's the sad truth. Didn't think I'd eat the Double-Down at KFC--had like 14 of them. I couldn't get to Denny's to grab the triple decker grilled cheese, so I made one myself. I'm a veteran in the disgusting food game and K! Pizza Cone is calling my name.

Going out on a limb and assuming this a Japanese establishment because of the anime-looking K, the random exclamation, and the whole idea of a fucking pizza cone.

Burger King's Sandburgza Oddly Tops Them All

Words can't even begin to describe the sandwich/burger/pizza on the revamped BK menu. For $12.99 you can savor what looks like six whopper patties doused in cheese topped with pepperoni and a sprinkle of...is that tarter sauce?

What is the deal with these fast food joints trying to reinvent the construction of a sandwich. As if the Double Downs and Grilled/Fried Cheese Melts weren't enough. Now we're throwing the idea of pizza into the fray. Even if  The King is getting a little overzealous on us I'm willing to give it a shot.

I Need Someone To Sit Me Down And Talk To Me About The Doritos Locos Tacos At Taco Bell

I'll open the proceedings with a swift, holy shit. I don't even know what to think about this combination. Not a clue what emotional direction I'm swaying.

To be honest, I don't even remember the last time I had either a nacho cheese Dorito or a Taco Bell taco. I tapped out of the Dorito game after high school because the residue managed to stay on your fingers for like 7 straight hours regardless of how many times you washed your hands. And Taco Bell tacos were legitimately the thing you wanted least on the menu. I went to war with Grilled Stuffed Burritos all day erryday. That said, I'm wildly intrigued by the combination of the two. It's like pairing a bow and arrow. Alone they are useless and unappealing, but together they create a devastating weapon that will cause you to 100% shit your pants.

In a very weird way, this is like when the Flintstones met the Jetson via some plot-driving time warp. Except it's a popular triangular chip meeting a fart-inducing fast food option.

Somewhere, the Mayans are cracking up.