Thursday, April 23, 2015

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Downloading The "MyIdol" App Was Fun Until It Exposed Me For The Visually Displeasing Monster That I Really Am

It was all supposed to be all fun and games.  I was supposed to download this silly Chinese app, toss my picture in there, and have a few lighthearted and good-natured laughs.  As you can imagine, that didn't happen.

Yeah, sure.  Whatever you say, language I don't understand.  Usher me into an abyss of self-consciousness and facial-image issues with your whimsical aura of sunlight and vegetation with no sense of remorse.

Let me upload some pictures and see how realistic this can get.  I mean, what are the odds that these things can even capture my face and likeness, right?

Oh sweet Jesus no.  What flimsy-wristed, nut-hugger jean-wearing creature have I created?  How swaggerless is this cat?  Like, I might get beat up by association with this dude.  Let's try again...

Apparently the side profile view does not change my apparel.  This is bad.  This is very bad.  On the bright side, my teeth are so white they believe that #AllLivesMatter.  One more try...

FUCK.  If this creation could talk, it would beg for me to kill it.  I know it's an avatar I just created 5 minutes ago, but this dude just wants to die.  Came into the world, saw it's existence, and wanted nothing to do with life anymore.  

Initially, I blamed the app.  Like, why is this overseas-based web application trying to play me like this?  But then I realized that the key problem was the variable aka the person taking the picture aka me.  I'm the problem.  Guess I have to flee the country, change faces, and reappear to try this shit again at a later date like Nic Cage in 'Face Off' ™.  

The app portraying me without a penis all three times hurts the most.

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