Tuesday, October 27, 2015

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I'm Going To Say Some Things About The "Hotline Bling" Video

We've all seen the memes, the gifs, practiced the dance in front of the mirror like no one was watching, cried when it was over, watched it again, etc.  But, like, let's talk about it.  Seriously, let's square up, look each other in the eye and have a good ol' fashioned blogger to productive human conversation about what really transpired.

About a week has passed since the video came out and changed everything we know about music, dancing, Timberland boots, and turtlenecks.  This has given us all time to decompress and assess what the fuck just happened.  

1) The memes, fam.  The memes.

I'm as millennial as the next inexplicably entitled artisanal cheese lover, but god damn these memes have been too much.  My brain can't process them.  One second Drake's tossing pepperoni's on a DiGiorno and the next he's playing Wii Tennis with Doug the god damn Pug.  I mean, I laughed, but the volume was downright troubling.

2)  Dancing is different now. Forever.

In my mind, after like 3.5 drinks I'm a top 5 bar/wedding reception dancer.  Welp, I don't even know what dancing is anymore because whatever Drake did was kind of transcendent.  Like, you know those crackheads you see on the street just dancing their crack-filled ass off despite their Coby headphones being attached to nothing but air?  It was just like that, but substantially less depressing.  We just needed someone to capture the innocence and jubilance of a person addicted to crack without all of that messy crack involved.  Drake cracked the code.

3)  Where do Timberlands stand now?

As an avid and proud Timberland boot wearer, I don't know what has become of my boots.  Their value is all over the place from a socioeconomic standpoint.  It's nothing new that a rapper is wearing Timbs, but has a rapper ever worn them with a turtleneck and sweatpants, while doing something resembling a molly-fueled cha cha slide?  The answer is fuck no.  As a result, I've been staring my Timbs directly in the laces everyday for like 5 minutes just hoping that they'll one day learn to talk and provide an explanation, or some guidance for that matter.  Do I throw them away?  Do I buy a shit ton of turtlenecks?  Questions everywhere.

4) The song's fire

It's been fire and you know Drake used some sort of complicated algorithm to determine the best time to release the video.  I know that because he brought a fucking lint roller to a playoff basketball game.  Because lint loves nothing more than high stakes basketball, Aubrey.

That's all.  Just had to let the dust settle a bit before I figured out what I needed to say.

(When you drop a fire thinkpiece, but include a meme essentially contradicting everything you just wrote, but also are you going to finish your fries yes those fries?)

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