Wednesday, June 3, 2015

// //

Video Game Lessons That Didn't Transfer To Real Life: Eating Food Off The Floor Isn't The Move

I kind of pushed this one to the back of my mind since I've become an adult and the overall trash-ness of adulthood has managed to destroy some of my most prized childhood memories - like eating random food off the ground in video games.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Ground Pizza


Look at them.  They're perplexed as hell, but will ultimately decide that eating that ground pizza is a fantastic idea.  Plus Leonardo is injured.  He'll quite literally die if he doesn't eat from that generic pizza box on the ground of a construction site rooftop.  Their hands were tied.

Streets of Rage: Ground Turkey/Cupcake



First off, if these things are drawn to scale, that's either the biggest cupcake ever or the smallest, most disease-riddled turkey of all time.  Either way, something isn't adding up.  But, ya know, when the Streets are "Of Rage", beggars can't really be choosers.  If you got beaten over the head a few times by a random henchman with a lead pipe, ground turkey (WHERE DID THE PLATE COME FROM THOUGH) is likely your best option.

Crash Bandicoot: Ground Fruit (with no fruit tree in god damn sight)


I might let this one slide because Crash was a fucking savage, but yo, look around.  None of those trees are bearing sparkly fruits.  The homie Crash is running like that shit is the antidote or something.  Nah bruh, just another piece of ground food that inexplicably provides you with health or super powers in video games.

Super Mario Brothers: Ground Mushrooms


Speaking of super powers, much of Super Mario Bros. was spent chasing around smiling mobile mushroom in order to more than double in size.  Why did this happen?  No one cared to ask.  We were just like, "Oh, word?  None of that makes sense." and kept it moving like dumb little children.  Our parents definitely hated us.

Moral of the story: video games pointedly taught us to eat shit off the floor to gain strength, health, and supernatural powers and no one thought that was weird.  I urge you to think back to a time that a pizza fell on the floor and it made you excited because you thought eating it would improve your overall health profile.  Adulthood.  Trash for a myriad of reasons.

Bonus:

Has nothing to do with ground food, but remember when you attacked a chicken in Legend of Zelda and after awhile it'd tell its chicken crew to come through and fuck you up?  That was great.



10 Reactions to this post

Add Comment
  1. shariq khatri said... March 31, 2017 at 2:26 AM

    Even though Intelliflix does not plan to take over the game rental industry, they do plan to offer families the ability to rent for all their household member entertainment needs within one established group.
    Larry

  2. Cherry Berry said... May 18, 2017 at 10:47 AM
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  3. Cherry Berry said... May 18, 2017 at 10:48 AM

    suspicions about the motives of others, and demonstrates violence as a method to deal with potential conflict situations, that comprehensive analysis of violent interactive video game research suggests such exposure increases aggressive behavior, thoughts, angry feelings, physiological arousal, and decreases helpful behavior, and that studies
    CybertronPC Patriot fan blog

  4. Shiney said... August 24, 2017 at 3:47 AM

    Your companion may have distinctive desires in a computer game framework however it helps on the off chance that you see theirs first to know whether you like it.
    hack4clashroyale.com

  5. Ben said... August 26, 2017 at 4:00 AM

    HAHAHAH.I can't believe i just read that. You are amazing man xD.

  6. Nick said... October 7, 2017 at 5:28 AM

    I traveled with a companion for a week and we spent the whole week in the arcade playing this amusement and the main diversion on my rundown (I won't uncover the name now!). It was extraordinary compared to other recollections of my youngster years! InsaneSparrow

  7. Muhammad Burhan said... October 29, 2017 at 5:23 PM

    I will always remember this blog as a master piece.
    http://forgeofempirescheat.com/

  8. Alex Jhon said... November 10, 2017 at 12:47 AM

    Cheat codes can be valuable if you get through particularly tough areas of a certain point in the game.
    http://paladinspromocodes.com/

  9. Empire War Z Hack said... November 10, 2017 at 5:36 PM

    Hey there, Last Empire War Z Hack is the reason I am here, these are some really great tips. Thanks

  10. EverWing said... November 19, 2017 at 4:54 PM

    WOW! Great Article man!

Post a Comment