Wednesday, June 3, 2015

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Video Game Lessons That Didn't Transfer To Real Life: Eating Food Off The Floor Isn't The Move

I kind of pushed this one to the back of my mind since I've become an adult and the overall trash-ness of adulthood has managed to destroy some of my most prized childhood memories - like eating random food off the ground in video games.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Ground Pizza


Look at them.  They're perplexed as hell, but will ultimately decide that eating that ground pizza is a fantastic idea.  Plus Leonardo is injured.  He'll quite literally die if he doesn't eat from that generic pizza box on the ground of a construction site rooftop.  Their hands were tied.

Streets of Rage: Ground Turkey/Cupcake



First off, if these things are drawn to scale, that's either the biggest cupcake ever or the smallest, most disease-riddled turkey of all time.  Either way, something isn't adding up.  But, ya know, when the Streets are "Of Rage", beggars can't really be choosers.  If you got beaten over the head a few times by a random henchman with a lead pipe, ground turkey (WHERE DID THE PLATE COME FROM THOUGH) is likely your best option.

Crash Bandicoot: Ground Fruit (with no fruit tree in god damn sight)


I might let this one slide because Crash was a fucking savage, but yo, look around.  None of those trees are bearing sparkly fruits.  The homie Crash is running like that shit is the antidote or something.  Nah bruh, just another piece of ground food that inexplicably provides you with health or super powers in video games.

Super Mario Brothers: Ground Mushrooms


Speaking of super powers, much of Super Mario Bros. was spent chasing around smiling mobile mushroom in order to more than double in size.  Why did this happen?  No one cared to ask.  We were just like, "Oh, word?  None of that makes sense." and kept it moving like dumb little children.  Our parents definitely hated us.

Moral of the story: video games pointedly taught us to eat shit off the floor to gain strength, health, and supernatural powers and no one thought that was weird.  I urge you to think back to a time that a pizza fell on the floor and it made you excited because you thought eating it would improve your overall health profile.  Adulthood.  Trash for a myriad of reasons.

Bonus:

Has nothing to do with ground food, but remember when you attacked a chicken in Legend of Zelda and after awhile it'd tell its chicken crew to come through and fuck you up?  That was great.



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