Friday, November 2, 2012

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Top 10 Candy Power Rankings


After my unexpectedly polarizing Halloween candy post, I figured that I would take it one step further and do an entire list. I may disowned, defriended and broken up with because of this list, but candy needs a definitive ranking:

#10-Kit Kats
An unsung hero in many respects. It's always in your candy jar and you're never that upset about it. Sure, you're not thrilled, but at any given moment you can probably crush like 17 fun-sizes in a half an hour.

#9-Hersheys Milk Chocolate Bar
While Hersheys Milk Chocolate Bar WITH ALMONDS is probably the worst candy ever, the original is as solid as solid gets. Versatile and effective in so many different ways. Will never wow you, but it will always pick up the tough yards you need. And smores, can't forget smores.

#8-Skittles
Skittles lead the league in making me sick and almost suffocating me, but I will never leave them. Just a straight up abusive relationship where I love the punishment. Sure, maybe they come out of the bag at 75 MPH and there's a 100% chance they'll get stuck in your teeth, but love is love.

#7-Twizzlers
My first sexy pick on this list. Twizzlers are the hot chick with zero personality in the candy world. Flashy as shit, terrible wrapping situation, and all around a weird eat. I respect the hell out of Twizzlers.

#6 Butterfinger
One of the most flawed candies of all time. Basically the Michael Vick of candy bars. So much talent, so much potential, but too many glaring flaws to ever be considered the best. HOW COME EVERY TIME I OPEN A BUTTERFINGER IT'S BROKEN AND CRUMBS GET EVERYWHERE AND IT GETS STUCK IN MY TEETH ALL THE TIME?

#5 Sour Patch Kids
Just a good time. Since I'm lame as fuck, this is as close to Molly and Ecstacy I'm ever going to get. Pixie dust on top of gummy children. Throw on some Dubstep and let's crush some SP Kids.

#4 Snickers
Much like Skittles, I think I'm going to die every time I eat a Snickers. Without fail I always choke on a rogue peanut bit that gets lodged in my esophagus. No shame in my game. Snickers is cocky and they know it. Just throwing anything they felt like into a pot, mixing it up and making a bomb ass candy bar. Don't even care that it's the most homoerotic candy bar out right now.

#3 Hershey's Cookies and Cream
This shit is like a unicorn. Any time you have it, you eat it so fast that you don't remember what happened. You black out, see weird wrappers all over the place and are left confused. Aside from that, there's no stopping white chocolate, choco-bits, and the swagger of a Hersey bar.

#2 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
If you don't like Reeses and have no allergies, you should be immediately catapulted into space. It's the simplest, most effective taste orgasm of all time. It has a downright foolish design, melts in anything over 32 degrees Fahrenheit and doesn't give you enough portion-wise. And with all that, it's still one of the most dominant candies to exist. Whatchu know about Reeses Puffs cereal?! (Seriously, I've never had it and would genuinely like to know)

#1) Gummy Bears/Worms/Sour Gummies
Gummies win this in a landslide. Not even a contest really. Show me a gummy bear from any generic pack of gummy bears and I will show you the best candy on the planet. The formula is so potent that it just gets better regardless of the creature. Why we decided on bears and worms, we'll never know, but whoever figured this out should win at least 5 Nobel Prizes. Now someone pour some sour dust on these things and turn on the fucking Dub Step!

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  1. Anonymous said... November 2, 2012 at 7:07 PM

    Snickers are homoerotic?

  2. Dub Jeezy said... November 4, 2012 at 6:47 PM

    they have a vein-y look to them

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