Monday, November 12, 2012

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You're A Huge Prude If You Don't Steal The Smoked Tabasco Hot Sauce From Chipotle Every Single Time You Go

Some people call it petty larceny, but I call it a way of life. The way I see it, I'm just doing my part to continue the time honored American tradition of thwarting Monopolies. Because if you say you have seen this hot sauce anywhere but inside of a Chipotle, you're a liar and disgust me.

True fact: I have never stolen anything in my life until I stole my first Smoked Tabasco Hot Sauce from Chipotle. It just never seemed worth it to me - not until now. That shit is so good it's petty larceny. The combination of being flavorful, not oppressively hot and versatile just can't be beaten. It's good on: burritos, any meat/seafood, pizza, rice, noodles, bread, cheese, probably Pop Tarts and most definitely eggs. It basically tastes like your favorite team winning the Super Bowl in your mouth.

With that said, you're a pansy, merit badge holding, certified bitch if you don't at least consider stealing it every time you're at Chipotle. Take off life's training wheels and live a little. If you're scared to do it, here's how:

1) Take a shit load of napkins so the "grab" motion everyone sees seems natural.

2) Throw all sorts of things in your bag and look a little confused like you're just grabbing forks, spoons and straws for the hell of it.

3) Slyly (and I stress SLYLY) grab the Smoked Tabasco Flavored hot sauce. If you accidentally grab another flavor, may God help your soul.

4) Wink at the other person attempting to steal too and give them a mental air dap.

5) Walk out of Chipotle. You won...until next time.

PS. This all applies to Baja Mountain Dew, but with less enthusiasm and slightly more confused disgust.

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