Wednesday, November 14, 2012

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I'm Not Positive, But I'm Pretty Sure Getting Tweeted At By TUMS Means My Life Has Just Hit Rock Bottom

Probably going to start spending my Saturdays at Home Depot and start going to bed before "The Tonight Show" comes on with the rate I'm going.

A little context behind my initial tweet. As soon as I turned 25, the clock to "when Dub is going to eventually die" officially started to tick. My knees hurt whenever I just consider playing a sport, if I stay up ONE minute past midnight I start to become instantly sick and I'm starting to figure out what a "savings account" actually means. All startling things. The most startling thing has to be what happens to my body whenever I eat food. At first I thought it was when I ate shitily, you know, things like burgers, subs, pizzas, etc. So I tried to eat healhy and the same result occurred. I don't want to dive into what happened, but in summary it's basically everything that the TUMS bottle says it'll cure.

So as a dude that's entirely too comfortable in his own skin and with a slight God complex, I decided to tweet to the masses about my new affliction. Ya know, maybe snag a retweet here and a Twitter HJ (aka "Favorite") there. All was well and good until I woke up today and saw the most startling, life-affirming tweet of all time. The fucking verified TUMS twitter account tweeted me and not only did they tweet me, they made fun of me. Droppin' wink faces and hypothetical past lives on me like it was nobody's business. Almost made me start crying and shit. Well, jokes on you TUMS because the Smoothie flavor tastes like disgusting and a Smartie had a terrible, terrible baby.

This is an open, childish ultimatum for TUMS. Unless you plan on sponsoring A Working Man's Diary, stop being so mean, guys. C'mon.

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